dreams. april 10th.

this week. not a good one.

i think i missed having someone more this week than any since i left.

i didn't miss ever when i finished off my ice cream last night. because that half gallon lasted nearly a month. it would've been gone the first night i fell asleep before him if i was in the house.

and the lone oreo i ate at midnight to get the taste of nyquil out of my mouth. i still have two-thirds of the package left. a month later. again, that might have lasted three days, tops.

and creamer this morning, when i made my coffee. that would've been put away empty if i was still in the house.

so. yeah, i don't miss ever.

i just miss someone being there.

really, it was just a string of a few days, starting with the last post i wrote - that nightmare.

and i don't know specifically why, even.

something about being curled up in bed with someone.

waking up today from a dream that i didn't want to wake up from.

it was the ghost. again.

and i knew it would happen sometime yesterday afternoon.

because i was driving behind a car with his last name in large block letters. and i thought to myself, 'surely this is entering my subconscious...'

and sure enough, it did.

god. the way he held me. and kissed me. i mean, making out in my sleep for hours with him. what was really funny was that he was some kind of a fisherman. or worked for a company where he had to catch fish in the ocean.

in any case, he looked great. and he fit me well. and he kissed me the way i wanted to be kissed. all night long, in my dream, until the morning. i remember being shirtless. and i remember his lips. god, i wish he was still walking around with those lips. and i also wish i'd kissed them when he was.

i woke up sleepy and wistful. and alone in a cold bed.

this is what i didn't want. i wanted to be content with being alone.

and i keep feeling unsettled. and occasionally lonely, but usually only when i'm in bed.

i'm reading 'post birthday world'. it is INCREDIBLE. i agree with nina that every woman should read it.

i can relate to so much that is in it. nina was afraid that the book would influence my writing. and despite the fact that the author inserts a lot of brit into her style, i totally see why.

because she has a different way of stating the things i'm going through. but i'm aware, so i'll be careful.

something about giving up a marriage, whether it's a legal one or not, for the hope of something better, more passionate.

one of the characters says something about the feeling of 'being in love' only lasting a year and a half tops, scientifically. physiologically. that after that amount of time, at a maximum, your body and psyche kinda moves on in a toned down way.

but i know people who are as in love now as they were years ago. so i do have faith in something better than that. but i also know how next-to-impossible that would be to find.

i'll take the year and a half. i'll take it and run with it.

god, i hope i make it to september 6th. and... i hope the divorce is final by then.

i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone.

* * * * * * * * *

(girl interrupted)

so i had to leave earlier. but i wasn't really done yet.

thing is, i keep forgetting what it was that i wanted to say next.

and it came back and went away. not once, but twice.

this isn't it, but i had a conversation with kit today.

about my trip home in july.

because i have gotten down on myself lately about coffee. because, really, i don't need to torture myself further.

the more i think about how unlikely it is that i would ever move back home, the more i realize that i really have no business trying to start anything.

yes. i would love to sit down across from him, say 'i always felt like i blew it with you. and i wish i could take it back.'

but really, is there anything to say after that? why do i feel like i need to know? to do this to myself?

i want to move on. that's for certain. but the thing is, i won't ever REALLY know.

because he'll never know just how much i was into it. and i can't ask the hard questions. and who knows if he'd even feel like he owed it to me to give me a straight answer? i mean, no matter what he said, i don't know if i'd read into it... my poor head.

maybe it's the girl who stands next to him in pictures that makes me want to not say a word.

maybe entertaining the idea that he is gay, and that is the reason he never kissed me, is part of it. i don't want to know if i've been in love with a gay man for the last thirteen years. or if i missed my chance to ever kiss him.

though it would make sense. because i think sometimes that i am a poor judge of character. not that being gay is a character flaw. but as a hetero girl, seems like i would have noticed by now if that was the case.

again. why? i can't convince myself that i'd ever be with him. so why even try?

i'm forever doomed with that one.

and i'm not even 'single' yet. so...WHY??

i think, because i crave companionship, and someone to curl up next to, he fits the bill.

and there's no one i'd rather than him.

he will never be my boyfriend. but maybe i will have one more night sleeping next to him.

if only i could ever settle for just being his friend. i would always want more.

other than that, i don't know what i've been thinking about. i've been in a bit of a daze. i was walking around aimlessly, in circles, at the store today. with my list in hand. i couldn't find anything. and kept forgetting what i was looking for.

so that is my life.

and, because i am becoming a believer in mantras, and because it bears repeating:

i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone.

nightmares. april 6th.

so i haven't been sleeping so well.

i blame it on the fact that i've been pretty sick.

gnarly cough that is super loud and super annoying. really congested and awful.

anyways, i forgot to take nyquil last night.

i tried to sleep with the windows closed. but it was too hot, i woke up drenched in sweat at 2 am. opened the windows.

and fell back asleep.

and i had the most horrible nightmare.

my mom had texted me at work last night to tell me that my 'mean grandma' (dad's mom) had been admitted into the hospital with pneumonia. then texted me later to say they sent her home, because she only had bronchitis.

so that was a relief. and i guess that was the root of the nightmare.

i was dreaming that my 'nice grandma' died.

and i cannot really put into words how close i am to this grandma. she's been unwell for a while, and she's 80 now and talks about dying.

so, i don't remember how i found out or anything.

but what i remember was the funeral related stuff.

i was in a house i didn't know, but i think it was supposed to be her house. and i only remember my mom and my aunt being there.

and i walked into a bedroom and she was on the bed. like, under the covers. but dead.

just laying there.

and when i saw her, i lost it.

i started crying, because it was so real.

and when i came back out into the kitchen, mom was talking about her. and she was sitting next to my grandma at the breakfast bar.

and i asked my mom if she had sprung for the robot model for the memorial, because grandma was there, looking alive, talking, and was responding to conversation.

and i just kept thinking 'she can't be dead. she's right here'. and then i looked down, and saw that her arms were covered in tan/blush colored makeup.

and i knew she wasn't really my grandma, and that my grandma was dead.

and i started sobbing. and collapsed on the tile floor in the kitchen, just inconsolable.

and i was on my knees, hitting my head on the floor and crying.

and i woke up.

and i had been crying so hard in my sleep that i was actually crying when i woke up.

and in that sleepy waking state, i realized how upset i was, and i started really crying.

and i got up to blow my nose and thought, for one fleeting second, that i wished ever had been there to tell me it was just a dream and hold me until i fell back asleep.

(this happens to me a couple times a year. and it's usually about someone dying. and he was pretty good at helping me go back to sleep until he stopped sleeping in the bed at the end.)

it took me a while to calm down. and i had the hardest time falling asleep. all i wanted was to hear my grandma's voice. and know that she was, in fact, not dead.

and when i finally did fall asleep, it didn't last more than an hour.

and then the bird in the tree outside the open window was chirping. and would not stop. so i had to get up and close the window. music on. pillow over my head. i could still hear it.

and then maybe 45 minutes later, it flew away.

and then i was sweating again.

and i just kept falling asleep and waking up. i gave up at 8 and just read until i got up for work.

put lightly, that put a damper on my day.

and the fact that i missed ever, i discounted upon truly waking, as just wanting someone. not particularly him.

work was work.

i was going to take a trip to the house today, but didn't. because i just got too worked up after a phone call to ever to actually go. i hope it's easier tomorrow to deal with him.

i called today to see what time would be better to come over and use the computer for work and to finally finish our taxes.

and he was fine.

'whenever you want. i've got nothing going on.'

and then, flipped a switch.

'you know? i've been dealing with it, and i just can't take it anymore.'

and i think oh, shit. what??

'are you biking over? because your bike seat fucking SUCKS. i want my seat back. so ride your bike over. because i want to swap them back.'

so i said ok. and that i wished he'd have told me before, because i was just at the bike shop this weekend helping kit pick out her new bike.

and then he abruptly said, 'okay. bye.' and hung up.

without agreeing on what time i'd be over. his mood swing completely caught me off guard.

when ever had his knee surgery, he stopped riding his bike. and my seat was the worst. no padding. bruised ass, literally. and i rode to work every day.

so he swapped seats with me.

and then i left him.

and now he doesn't have the car, so he's biking everywhere. and he wants his seat back.

which is fine, really. no big deal. $40 fix.

but he was being so nasty that it killed my mood.

and i was frowning, walking, after i hung up with him. and kit was walking towards me between the lab and the other lab, we just happened to cross paths. i was so lost in being mad at ever, i didn't see her for a second. but it was nice to have a friend give me a hug when i was so pissy.

i don't know.

it was a weird day.

then at ten of five, the bike place called to tell her that her bike was ready.

so i hopped on mine to get the new seat put on so i could give ever his seat back without having to bike over there.

and i raced there on my bike so we could ride back together, while she got her cash and i stalled them with the seat problem.

and she got her bike. and it was awesome.

and i got the new seat. and that was awesome.

and cooking for two is fun. so kit had dinner over. and dessert was awesome.

at least the day ended better than it started. because i didn't have much hope for my day after the way i woke up.

i'll try harder to sleep better and dream sweeter tonight.