will this ever end? nov 27th.

this cold has stamina.

i woke up this morning to the sensation that i can't blow everything out of my nose that is residing in my sinuses. tissue after tissue, it doesn't end.

and now, from blowing my nose so much in the last 24 hours, it's bloody. suuuuucks. and there's that whole chapped face thing which is super hot.

i am determined to do something today and feel better. or just ignore the fact that i don't feel well, and do something regardless.

i feel like going to favorite bar for brunch, but i'm not hungry, and i still don't feel like being around people.

a friend had posted something a few days ago about what it meant that her netflix top recommendation was 'wristcutters'. i told her not to worry, because it was my top recommendation also.

last night i watched it. it was categorized as a dark comedy, so it seemed like a safe bet, but i was afraid it would be morbid.

it really wasn't. the suicide aspect of the movie was made lighter than you'd think, and the movie itself was really really good.

and in watching it, which i only really did because patrick fugit stars in it, i realized why i like 19 year old boyfriend.

it's because he reminds me of patrick fugit.

side by side, not so much. but it's the shape of his face, his hair sometimes, and definitely his mouth, and the look he has on his face when he comes by sometimes that i guess i was recognizing from watching and loving almost famous so much.

so it makes perfect sense to me that i dreamt him last night.

it's been well over a year since i developed this crush on him. which, surely by now, means that he's probably my 21 year old boyfriend. and i didn't ever have a dream with him in it until a couple months ago. i want to say i've had two about him in the last couple weeks.

the one last night was pretty awesome.

we were at my parents' house. only my dad was the principal from buffy instead of my dad.

and he came over to hang out, nothing had happened between us at all. but we both liked each other. he came over and he was going to stay the night.

we were hanging out in the office talking, he stretched his legs out in front of him, put them in my lap sitting opposite him. i was rubbing his feet while we talked.

we were taking smoke breaks together, kindof hatching a plan for him to stay over so we could curl up together and talk some more and fall asleep that way. but i knew i wouldn't sleep. and i was really really happy.

aubree was there, and my brother showed up toward the end of the dream, to be a pain in the ass, as he is in real life.

and i got really mad at myself in my sleep, because i was digging through the dresser trying to find the cutest bra and underwear i owned to change into, under the clothes i was wearing. and he was waiting for me outside, and eventually gave up on me and came back inside just as i found what i wanted to wear. i got mad because i realized that i didn't need a bra to sleep in, so it just seemed stupid.

at one point, my principal dad cornered us in the doorway of the office, he was in front of me i guess, but i had my arms around him. and dad lectured him about staying the night and where he'd be sleeping and totally embarrassed me. but he was cool about it, and we went to smoke outside, and after that, got into bed together. i woke up as we were starting to make out.

what else is new.

robbed, again.

nyquil has been giving me insanely complicated dreams. the one with thundersnow was so crazy. there was so much happening. i could only write notes when i woke up, because i was afraid of everything i'd forget if i made it into the story of the dream.

but it was very vivid, and another end of the world dream, amongst other things.

and i don't know why, but i'm thinking to talk about the lawyer now.

so i got another email from him. and basically, he sent me this form to fill out that lists all of our property.

i'm going to get pretty detailed. all the things that i left behind and had to replace.

i'm going to list the business. even though i don't want to bring it into it, still, after everything.

he still hasn't paid the mortgage, which makes me think that he's just not going to.

and what scares me is that someone might be advising him not to.

he has to be willing to risk his equity to do it. and i can see him doing that, only because he has nothing else to lose, and never had money like that anyway.

i have so much more to lose by him doing it. and he totally knows that.

there's no way, now that everyone who owes him money is back in town after making a ton of it, that he doesn't have it. i guess that's why i'm confused.

the more i think about the why of it all, the more i realize that there's really no sense at all in trying to rationalize it. there's no simple explanation for any of this. because if i just think that it's because he's retarded, i think that someone who cares would try to help him. if i just think that he's ignoring everything, i think that the correspondence from the lawyer would keep him focused. if i think that he's just hurt and trying to hurt me, then i realize that more than anything he could ever do to try to fuck me over, he's fucking himself over even more.

so none of it will ever make sense to me.

not even when it's all over and done with.

at least we're getting closer to that.

at least it is almost over.

at least it is almost behind me.

i know that i transfer feelings from one person to another. and i know that when i'm tired and sick, i think and feel things that i wouldn't otherwise.

i got really really angry last night. and i actually cried. for the first time i can remember without a movie to bring it out of me.

i wrote this really mean letter to get it all out of my system, which is what i do when i'm that angry. i never send the letters, but it sure felt great to write it all out.

because i'm doing it again. it's not with the person i'm married to. but i've been doing the same thing i did with ever. not dealing with things as they come up, so that there's this stockpile of hurt feelings that i say nothing about, and do nothing about.

i don't think i'll ever stand up for myself when it comes to people hurting my feelings. i'll always make excuses for them, or think that i brought it on myself.

and maybe it is okay to blame part of the way i am on ever. because when i would tell him that he had done something that hurt my feelings, he'd consistently say that i made it up, that it was all in my head.

so after years of that, i stopped talking. and started burying instead. but then again, i've been doing this my whole life.

bury things. bury more things. and then one little thing happens. and then the dam breaks. and then things that shouldn't get added into the flood do. and instead of one little thing here and there, it's this pervasive pile of shit to deal with.

so that's what happened last night. i wrote it all out, got it all out of my system. and resolved to talk about it when i wasn't so upset. basically use my letter as an outline for things i need to say and get off my chest.

if i have to repeat myself, maybe that is something i just have to start doing. part of burying things, and leaving things unsaid, is that i know i've said it before and i don't want to nag. i expect people to remember that i'm sensitive to something when i tell them that i am.

and that's also why it feels so bad to go through the same things repeatedly. it becomes a pattern. and it sucks.

because i've already said it.

i know i'm talking around the problems here. but i guess i'm still working things out in my head.

so aside from 'wristcutters' and making it to season three of buffy, i also rewatched 'the neverending story' last night.

it had been years and years. it was one of my favorites growing up.

i had completely forgotten the beginning. in my head, i guess it started with him opening the book. and it was strange to see as an adult. like 'the dark crystal'. i feel like there were so many things in that movie that should have scared me when i was little, the way 'labyrinth' did. but it didn't.

and seeing it as an adult made me fall out of love with it a little. the story didn't get to me the way it did when i was a kid. it seemed like such a wonderfully complete story when i was little, but as a grown up, i guess it lacked transition. so in my head it was a five star movie, and at the end of the night last night, it was more like a three.

i'm convinced that rewatching 'flight of the navigator' will not end the same way. that movie was so funny to me when i was little. i think it will hold up.

i hope it will.

i'm going to get a hot hot shower. and get out of bed. this shit is ridiculous.

i have got to get better. and try to at least enjoy the normal part of my weekend. because the first two days were kinda wrecked by being sick. all i've done is trash my apartment.

it's pretty exciting to have tomorrow off, too. third day off today. i have absolutely nothing to show for it. but maybe that doesn't matter.

23 days until i go home. i can't wait to go home.

future tea. november 27th (technically).


are you happy? are you still sad? are you still lonely? are you still unsatisfied? are you still unkissed? are you still wanting to be alone? are you still up at night, dreaming and writing about the same fucking place in your head you dwell in? and are you still up at night, late, just before fall reminiscing?

one year later. it's hard to believe.

i am not happy. especially not tonight.

but i am happier. so that's something.

i am still sad. i think i will always be sad about something.

i'm lonelier than i've ever been.

but i'm trying to deal with that in a healthy way. and healthy right now is watching like ten hours of netflix a day.

i am unsatisfied. but at least it's not because of ever anymore. now it's just with my life and the decisions that i make. and being aware of it can only help.

i've now been kissed, but it's been months. and i'm dying. DYING. to be kissed again.

it's safe to say that i have been alone, and i'm actually okay with not being alone anymore. i no longer feel the need to be alone until valentine's day.

saying as it's 122 am, i am still up at night writing. and though i've cycled through a few boys, it is mostly about the same place and the same boy.

and i will always reminisce. but now i'm not doing it with the aid of my old journals.

shootout. november 26th.

i woke up in the scariest possible way this morning. after thanksgiving at kit's i came home, took nyquil, and got into bed at about 930.

i couldn't fall asleep. sometimes nyquil has this effect on me. if i am awake past that initial warm sleepy window, then i'm up for hours.

sometime around 1230, i finally fell asleep and was having buffy-inspired nightmares.

then i heard screeching tires, then gunshots. and car crashing sounds. the sound of multiple cars being hit one after another, which made me wonder, as i scrambled out of bed to look out the window, if they were gunshots at all.

i looked out, pretty blind without my glasses. it was 230.

there was a car smashed into another car that was parked in front of my stoop. a guy was outside the driver's side door. i could tell that he was black, and wearing a black jacket. he looked like an older guy, but i couldn't really see.

he looked up at me, and saw me looking at him.

i got on the floor and crawled toward my bedroom door.

i was shaking, and my heart was racing.

if there had been gunshots, and he didn't realize that i couldn't see him well at all, i totally expected there to be gunshots in my general direction. it was a crazy progression of thoughts.

after about a minute of silence, i got up and tried to find my glasses. they were in the bathroom. by the time i got back, and looked back out the window, the car was abandoned, and people were starting to come outside.

cops pulled up right about then, i saw them talking to the people who were outside, and decided to pop a halls and go out for a smoke to try to calm down and see if anyone else had seen anything.

before i went outside, i was worried that the people would come back by and shoot at us, but i guess my sleepy freakout logic overrode that with the importance of a calming cigarette.

i joined the neighbors, there were five of them. all talking and saying the same thing.

a couple had seen this before, like i had. i saw a car hit every car parked on one side of the street from the house once. and i'd heard gunshots in our old apartment.

this was crazy. the story i got from them, as the cops took notes, was this:

a white suv was driving alongside this green car (the one i saw). shots were fired, and the suv pushed the car into the cars on my side of the street. once the green car stopped, the suv drove off.

the guy i saw got out of the car, which was the point i saw him, then got something out of the car, and walked down my side of the street in the direction they'd come from. the green car was stolen.

what i noticed when i saw him was that he wasn't moving quickly. which is why being shot at seemed like such a crazy thing at the time. i thought maybe, like the other accident i'd seen, he just lost control of his car and wrecked into cars, and that there were no gunshots.

but when i came back and saw that he was gone, i thought that maybe he was drunk and left the scene before the cops showed up.

after hearing one guy say he saw the gun, but not the gun being fired, i realized that it was what i'd originally thought.

i couldn't describe anything, and because i'd gotten on the floor, i didn't have any missing piece of the story to tell.

but it was fucking scary.

what's interesting is that kit and i were just talking about our neighborhood being safe yesterday afternoon. and i had just heard an accident at the other end of the block in the afternoon on wednesday, and looked out after a horn honked and i heard the metal on metal sound. it's such an alarming sound to hear. once you hear it, you always recognize it. i was talking about it when i met kit's family that night.

and then this.

and i think the scariest thing was that my neighbor a couple doors down missed the whole thing. he had headphones on, came out for a smoke, i guess, and realized something was going on.

he was freaked out, because he had just come home from 7-11 right before the shooting, and if he'd been a few minutes later, he would've been there when it happened.

and i guess that, waking up this morning and thinking about it, that's what scares me.

this is how innocent people die in this city. being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

i have come home at 230 in the morning more than a few times since i lived here. what if it hadn't been thanksgiving and i had been out? what if i'd had a little too much to drink, and wandered into that whole thing while it was going down?

these people were not from our neighborhood. they were in a chase from somewhere else. but they came to a stop right in front of the stoop i sit smoking on every single day and night.

and when i can't sleep, i'm out there. one in the morning, two in the morning, whatever. doesn't matter.

and who knows what frame of mind that guy was in when he looked up at me. who knows if he even knows where he was when he came to a stop. i don't know if he was the shooter or if the guy in the suv was.

all i know is that it's going to take a while to get over this. i am already on edge and panicky for no good reason all the time, and now i have reason to be. it sucks.

when i came back inside around 3, i knew i'd have an impossible time falling asleep. i was too shaky from everything that had just happened. the cops rang my bell, and i stuck my head out, saying i'd just been downstairs, and that i didn't see anything helpful because i didn't have my glasses on.

they started talking, a total of six cop cars were outside at that point, and i made hot chocolate and took some more nyquil and tried to go back to sleep. i think i probably fell asleep around 4. maybe a little after.

all this after a pretty great thanksgiving.

i woke up and got online, to see that a friend said it was snowing. i thought she was kidding, but i looked out my window and it was snowing.

i'd been having a dream about thundersnow falling in huge clumps. there was a lot of other stuff in the dream, but it was maybe the third thing i wrote down about the dream when i woke up.

and it was snowing in real life. pretty odd. first snow of the year. it never sticks. but it's always so silent and pretty and magical. it snowed for a few hours before it turned to rain.

thanksgiving at kit's was pretty fun. played some wii, helped a little with the prep and helped more with cleaning as we went along. i'm usually pretty picky with food, and thanksgiving is not one of my favorites food-wise. usually at mom's the only thing i eat is turkey, potatoes, and bread. everything else is not on my list of foods i like.

but at kit's everything was on my awesome list. chicken and potatoes and salad and bread and even a savory onion/apple/pear filled pastry, which i was afraid to try, but which was awesome. and double dessert with brownies and pumpkin cheesecake. my favorite.

and beer.

i broke atkins for thanksgiving which was my goal, but need to try to stick to it. i wasn't really seeing any progress to that point, but i know that if i go back to my old ways, it will get worse, even if it doesn't get better sticking to this.

it's two. i'm still in bed. i still feel crappy. and i still have the headache i woke up with at 930.

i should probably get up and try to do something now.

sick. november 22nd.

well, it is happening.

i've only had three cigarettes all day, which is how you can tell i'm unwell.

my throat is killing me. but it seems to go away when my nose is clear, so i'm hoping it's not strep, which kit had last week. and far away in fla, nina had the week before.

it would be fitting if i did have it.

but i really, really hope that i don't.

i'm about to take nyquil and pass out. it almost feels like what i thought the flu was before i had it. i do feel a little achy.

two days of work until a four day weekend. i just can't get worse and have to deal.

i guess today was a little better.

i got the letter back from the attorney. i do have to pay a retainer. which fucking SUCKS. and i found out that the insurance is past due, ever's portion. but the cancellation notice was just a formality from me closing the account. i can still pay the amount past due and have the active policy.

i still hate him. i can't believe that i thought i could help him and be his friend. i am seriously stupid.

and he is seriously going to have to get a lawyer, finally. and it is too fucked up that i will see him next in a courtroom. but that is a fact of life now.

i guess that i'm ready for this to be over. i mean, i know i am, but dread this part of things being in his control, and being forced to take the hardest way out because he is an idiot. whatever. it will be interesting to see what he has to say for himself. if he even says anything at all.

homeless ever. what a moron.

and because i have a one track mind, something funny happened at work today.

my original boyfriend, the 19 year old one came by.

he looked adorable in his scrubs, and was talking to us for a while.

and mentioned something about his band this past weekend, how he was trying to divide his time between friends, but felt like he was letting people down.

i asked him his band's name, and he told me. and said he had a cd in his bag. and that he'd bring it by after class so we could check it out.

and he did.

it was cute. i can't play it on the laptop for some strange reason. so i'll have to listen to it in the car.

but he plays bass. naturally. they are always the ones i look at. the sun, ever, and most bands i like.

so at some point, i'll probably have to go see them play. i hope it's decent and not awful.

anyways, it made me happy, and made me feel better about an otherwise lame day at work.

back to it. november 21st.

so i did re-read wishful thinking.

what i had forgotten was that i wrote it on my way home, or that first night there. last year. on december 2nd.

and my wishes were similar.

the ones that have come true: my life is easier. i do have more money now than i did, even if i'm spending it all on legal fees. i am dancing and drinking more. i did make out and i did get properly kissed. even if it was settling.

yesterday was bad. i am still reeling from it. i knew i had to get out last night, and thankfully kit came to my rescue like she always does. took me to target. i bought two pair of jeans. and a scarf i needed. and a sweater. forgot the hat, but that's okay.

i don't want to go to work. but it's a three day week, and a four day weekend, so that ought to make up for it.

i needed to come home tonight after a movie at kit's. i knew she needed help cleaning, but i just couldn't help her. i watched 'sideways' and needed to go home to eat. so i did. and watched 'the opposite of sex' on nina's recommendation. after i tried to suffer through 'mulholland drive'. i just can't stand david lynch. it was too lame. i gave up after about 45 minutes of obscurity and weirdness.

and i watched a ton of buffy. i'm on season two, about three or four episodes in.

and fringe. man, that show rules. and modern family. and the office. all tv all weekend long.

but i did do all of my laundry, which was necessary. and washed my new clothes. so tomorrow i can go to work all shiny and new.

i don't know. i guess i was mad at myself last night. because i wrote that 'kissing' post and then opened the letter from the insurance company, telling me that my auto and homeowners policies were canceled because ever didn't pay his portion of the bill.

emailed the agent in a panic. emailed my lawyer in a panic, telling him to go ahead with the emergency hearing.

and hoping that he will let me pay as we go, because $1000 upfront is something i just don't want to have to do right now.

i was bitching about sex related things, being all lonely and alone and shit. and then ever's far reaching hand fucked my shit up royally.

it was super unfair. and i've really pretty much had it with his influence over my otherwise peaceful existence.

talked to the fam a lot. talked to kit a little.

and i guess, mostly i felt sorry for myself. embraced being alone, and just curled up on the couch to do nothing other than stare at a glowing box. zoning out. and writing a lot, too, i guess.

i think this is my brain preparing for my first holiday alone.

and because we didn't really celebrate, i think i didn't think about it until just the last few days. kit knew before i did, which is why i get to tag along on her family thanksgiving. and i guess i'd be homesick more than anything if i spent thanksgiving alone.

i just see it as a time to not work, take it easy, slack off, and maybe go black friday shopping, if i find something that i really want.

all i really want are clothes.

maybe a netbook that is small and portable. that i can beat up and not worry about kit's blacktop.

but i can't spend that money right now. not in light of the legal proceedings that are about to take place.

luckily i've been paying down my credit card bills, so there's some wiggle room for christmas back home.

and other general shenanigans.

i can see my breath. and i thought the moon was full last night, but i think that maybe it's tonight.

ever is in for it now. he won't be able to ignore this part. he will have to show up. i will have to see him. and it will be in a courtroom, which unfortunately i feel like i've become all too familiar with in the last year. first ginny, then jury duty, then katie, now this.

i shouldn't worry. my shrink appointment next monday kinda can't get here soon enough.

and yet, if i was going tomorrow, i don't even know what i would say to her.

i miss home. i miss nina. i miss brownies. i miss my mom and my sister. soon enough, soon enough.

yesterday was the 30 day mark. which means that, in 29 days, i'll be at my parents' house, on their porch. smoking and drinking. and talking to my sister. and my mom.

being in that mix. driving around confused and disoriented. trying to find the place the i want to call home.

in thinking about it, i don't know that i can just leave everything here. i think i'll be in a position to move again if i feel like it, whenever that time comes, because of the sale of the house. and because i know that i can't live at my parents', it seems retarded to leave my shit here.

it's not like i have so much. it's not like it can't be replaced with about a thousand dollars if i end up moving far away and not taking my shit with me. or back again, to philadelphia, if things don't work out at home and i realize that i miss the life i have here too much.

ever has sealed his fate now. and i should be happy about that. the house will go on the market. pretty much in the next month, if all goes according to plan.

and i don't even care.

in fact, i welcome that change.

the sooner the better. the sooner it happens, the sooner i can get the fuck out of here. with a nice chunk of cash to get my shit rolling back home.

i have to make the rest of my wishes come true.

i have to do my own thing. and succeed at it.

i have to regret less and doubt less. this summer helped me with that.

i can't go back in time. maybe i still can meet my soulmate, if such a thing does exist. and maybe this time, i won't pin it on someone who isn't. or jump too soon into things with someone who is.

and maybe my love won't be unrequited the next time. maybe it will and i'll be a better writer for it.

maybe i'll find out that someone was holding back with me.

i can't have more wishes. i can't be young again.

and soon enough, i'll be able to travel more. and i'm going to the west coast alone.

i won't be a famous writer, but i would never have thought a year ago that people i don't know in texas and virginia would be spending twenty minutes at a time reading my rantings.

i can't save my dead friends. but i can remember them. and if you'd told me a year ago that i'd have an apple tattoo, i would never have believed you.

and now, i am going to have to sing in front of people.

i don't know. i'm glad that i have changed. both my situation, and as a person.

and it's like i tell myself at work: my worst days now are still better than my best days then.

i'm glad that i left. part of me wishes i'd left sooner, part of me wishes i'd hung in a little bit longer and planned for this in a better way.

but part of living without regret is knowing that i did the right thing. and that settling once doesn't have to mean settling only once and forever. for ever.

i hope that when all is said and done, that he realizes, for his own benefit, that he is an idiot. that he shared more than half the blame for our marriage ending. that all the shit he is doing right now is exactly why i knew he had to leave.

i just hope that the judge gives me what i want after hearing all of it.

i can't imagine that someone in their right mind wouldn't. but i need to ask the lawyer if it's possible that he was advised to not pay for things, because there is a way that he can make me pay.

i can't even let myself think that right now. i just can't.

especially not before bed.

i just want to run away. maybe if i'd been thinking, i'd have bought a ticket somewhere for thanksgiving. i won't put in writing where i want to go. but i'm just saying. i feel like running away, and staying here and doing what i'm doing isn't going to get me any closer to that, or replace it.

i will run away. someday. it will be well deserved. and i guess it doesn't really qualify as running away if you plan it a year in advance.

still. i'll make a dramatic exit.

it is what keeps me going when i have a day like the one i had yesterday. and today, really.

i won't stay home and watch tv all day. i won't stay home and watch movies alone. i will go out, do things. not be afraid to run into ever. and not be limited by anyone or anything.

it will be fantastic.

and i kinda can't wait.

rtw 74. 11/20/10

unforgettable food.

symbolic food:

wedding cake

a loaf of bread and red wine


i'm having a hard time with symbolic food.

much easier time with associations.


with being sick - saltines, chicken noodle soup

with being home - stew, enchiladas, sausage biscuits at grandmas, oreos, cashews, cake scraps (mom's a baker and trims the tops off to level cakes), cheezits, homemade chili, cheesecake, pot roast, ice cream cake

with holidays - sausage and cheese drop biscuits, fruitcake that i refuse to eat, cookies, blondies, homemade dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, ham that i don't eat, sweet potatoes with marshmallows that i don't eat, deep fryer turkey.

favorites - indian buffet (samosas, channa masala, jasmine rice, naan, tandoor chicken, chicken tikka masala, gobi masala), pumpkin cheesecake, chips and dips, bakery cakes with whipped frosting, apple fritters at work, red velvet with cream cheese frosting, grits with real butter, bacon, plain popcorn with real butter, homemade salsa, cucumbers, chicken fingers and french fries, burgers medium rare, hummus and pita, kalamata olives, chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, cereal dry, whipped cream, strawberries

with being broke - ramen, rice and beans, potatoes, frozen waffles

with atkins - pepperoni, cheese, salad, celery, cucumbers, chicken, stoli vanil and diet, mixed nuts

with tahoe - mango salsa, ramen, iced white mochas

with people:

enchiladas for traveling bands and house guests

monkey bread and chocolate shakes with kit

chocolate brownies with nina

blueberry waffles with nate

drinks: ginger ale and sprite and theraflu with being sick, hot chocolate with extra mimi marshmallows on a cold day, blueberry iced coffee and eggnog lattes are a favorite, cheap red wine out of the bottle with being lonely and sad, pbr with being broke, golden monkey as a favorite beer, slimfast shakes and iced instant coffee with college,

rtw 21. 11/20/10

wishful thinking. again.

now, i don't know which wishes will be the same or different.

but here they are.

all my wishes are for boys. boys who end a drought. they always are.

i wish on falling stars, birthday candles.

i wish on 1111.

until now, most of my wishes involved a reconnection with coffee.

but now i think my wishes are growing up. there's a reason why i didn't wirte this last night. i didn't know that until right now.

i wish that ever would fucking GROW UP.

pay the mortgage. pay his bills. stop using the joint account i never closed.

i wish that the divorce was over.

i wish that it was february. not that i wish away december. but i think that being alone this winter might kill me.

i wish that i could just forget.

i wish right now that i'd never even met him.

and that wish sucks because then i'd never have ended up here. and i cannot imagine my life without kit in it.

but nights like tonight make me wish for undoing things.

which is a recurring theme.

i wish that the writer meant it when he said he'd take me to a carnival. i've been thinking of them this past week, brought on by a post from oscar.

i wish that i'd kissed coffee when i had the chance.

i wish that i'd given my number to tim.

i wish that boys didn't scare me.

i wish that chalk hadn't tried to stay. because i wish that i still wanted him around for a couple days at a time.

i wish that i hadn't started drinking, because now i can't imagine not drinking.

i wish that i could just spend my money on ME. i wish that i could be more selfish.

i wish that i worried less. that i wanted less.

i wish that i was happy.

i am happier, i know that.

if i was still with ever, i'd be wishing that i wasn't. because he'd be dragging me through this, only it would be affecting me in a different way.

i wish that i could eat what i wanted and never have to worry about it. i wish that i was permanently one size that never changed, no matter how much cake i eat.

i wish that i genuinely loved healthy food. i wish that i wasn't built to love sweets.

i wish that i had just stayed home.

i wish that intern wasn't so retarded. i wish even more than that, that he wasn't a moral human being.

or that he liked me enough to not give a shit.

i wish that i didn't care about one boy at a time. i wish that i didn't put so much stock in my happiness as it relates to other people.

yes, i'm happier alone, but i wish that i was truly happy being alone. that i didn't need anyone to pull me out of it, and that i didn't get so fucking excited about life when there's a boy to be excited about. or fixed on.

i wish that i could finish projects. that i could play music. that i was a better writer. that i could write outside my life.

i wish that i was a better artist, especially as it pertains to drawing people.

more than anything, i guess i wish that my life was at the next phase, the next level.

i wish that whatever i do, it was the right thing.

because i'm tired of wishing that i didn't make so many mistakes in my life.

and all of them revolve around boys.

it's hard for me to think outside of this, because when ever pulls one of his stunts, this is the effect it has on me.

i wish i could just not worry about things i can't control. and that i could control things so i had less to worry about.

i wish that i was loved. i wish that i was in love. i wish that i'd picked better. that i'd met 'the one'. that i had a different life now. that maybe it involved a kid.

now, i have to stop wishing. because wishing takes away the motivation i need to make things happen without wishing on anything at all.

i wish that i was sleepy at one am.

and i wish that, just once, a dream would come true.

one of the good ones. not one of the ones where i wake up crying.

stop wishing.

start doing.

just. stop. wishing.

they don't come true.

unless you make them.

rtw 137. 11/21/10


i don't think of myself as jealous, yet there are people i am jealous of, and i tend to feel territorial, so i guess that i am.

jealousy. lousy. it's right there in the word.

i think it's easy to see people in a very simplified way and be jealous of them. in a sea of people you might only really know enough about only one of them to not truly be jealous.

the people i'm jealous of tend to be people who look like they're in loving relationships. or who have enough money to live in a way that is enviable to me.

people with nice houses, for the last nine months.

and i wonder if it's really true that money doesn't mean happiness. i know the best times in my life have been times when i didn't have to worry about money. times where the bills were all paid ahead and i didn't have to limit myself to things i need instead of want.

living in an apartment again has made me feel almost sick with jealousy at times, being in a nice house that was what i envisioned my house to be before the reality of what i had set in.

once, it was a perfect apartment, with a great marriage (as seen superficially) and a beautiful baby.

and sometimes it's about age. someone being younger than me, accomplishing more than i have accomplished at my age, and having something to show for their efforts.

i know that i am young, all things considered. and that i have so much ahead of me to do still. but in a very simple way, it's mostly about people my age having things that i want.

it's about people being in a place in their lives that is more exciting than mine. free spirits who can afford to travel and see the world when i've really never left the country and seen what they get to see, on a somewhat regular basis.

last night, it was about people seeing ever in this light where they feel sorry for him or put blame on me for the life he is living now.

and how when all is said and done, all i can do is really leave them here, and go home with my tail tucked, because they will probably never understand what i had to go through being with him. subjecting me to his lifestyle and careless spending habits. irresponsibility.

because jealousy exists only from the outside the majority of the time. i'd be more jealous if i didn't realize how lucky i am most of the time to be alive and healthy and free in my own way.

i try to keep it in check. to realize that there is always a cost. there is always something that is given up to have something else. where there's a nice house, there might be more worry than i could ever experience about making ends meet. where there's a beautiful baby, there's a great sense of loss of freedom. or a faulty marriage. where someone traded a life not being with someone else to have a kid that they want right then. that there was a period of doing without to gain something i am envious of.

nothing is easy. i'll probably never know anyone who really has it made in every possible way.

all i can do is sit back and try to think about what was traded for things that i want.

i could still have that house, but it would have meant dealing with ever. i could have a traveling lifestyle, but it would mean that i didn't have my freedom in other ways. i could have that baby, but it would be a much more difficult road.

and most of the time i think that not having the house and the baby and the traveling is worth the simplicity and sense of self that comes with the life i am living.