four twenty. april 20th. duh, stoner...

i'm not celebrating the way millions (18 million in the us, i read this morning) of people are celebrating today.

i spent the day at suck store. i worked more than usual, because it has gotten busy out of nowhere this week. about a hundred dollars a day busier than the past weeks and months.

it was a great day. i told nina that, getting laid and having boys to be excited about, i am so much better being there now. i'm nice to people. not cranky and grumpy. if people are stupid and annoying, i don't even notice now. whereas before, it was all i could think about and focus on. i'm bubbly and bright. people are noticing.

i wrote some. i wrote a ton since i've been home. i was so fucking backlogged, and still am, but so much less. the huge things that have happened to me this past weekend are now covered.

today's news? i was texting at work. i texted joey. and told him to let me know if he was up for something. we went back and forth for a bit. set up a sunday hangout again. for 7pm. i also texted intern because his doppleganger was at suck store. invited him to the show i was going to on friday. of course he didn't message me back.

(in true stoner fashion this was as far as i got. too much to write...)

parent to children. april 17th, part 2.

so after that whole perfect date thing, i came home like five hours after i'd planned to. i knew after the weekend i'd had that i needed some alone time. some relaxation time. i knew that i needed to be alone and in bed for as long as possible before waking up stupid early for suck store.

i guess i got home from a two smoke conversation with kit on her stoop after my date at around six.

i probably grabbed a beer. the details are foggy to me now.

i probably grabbed a smoke.

and then, i'm mostly positive i called nina to fill her in on everything. we probably talked for over an hour.

then i think i called kit, too. because i think she had some digesting to do, and wanted to talk about it after. i can't remember now. and it was only three days ago! i think kit might have come after i called my parents. maybe nina, too. can. not. remember.

so i called mom and dad, who had called while i was making art on perfect date.

told them i'd call them later, when they were close to the state line. they'd gone to aubree's regatta four states away from hometown.

and i dove RIGHT in.

aubree had told mom about her girlfriend when i was home this summer. and it never came up with dad. but we talked a couple weeks ago, and he was talking about how bitchy mom was being, and how he doesn't know if something is going on between aubree and her girl, but that if something is going on, mom's going to alienate her and lose her.

i bit my tongue. because it wasn't mine to tell. but told her about it. i told her that i thought he was ready.

and two weeks later, he'd had the same conversation with aunt mimi, who also knew. and the two of us said, just do it.

so she did.

so i called. and had him put me on speakerphone. which was funny, because he kept taking me off of it, without me knowing. so i thought they could both hear me, only i was talking to just him for the most part.

and i got right into it. i said, i talked to aubree. she said that she'd told you what has been going on, so i wanted to talk to you both about it.

and for the next 45 minutes, we talked about it. at it's worst, the conversation was dad spouting sodom and gamorrha bible verses at me. and telling me that aubree was just making this decision because she's surrounded by lesbians. that the harder they make it on her to be a lesbian, the more likely she is to correct herself and go straight for god.

i struggled with saying things that i felt i had to say, versus saying the things that i wanted to scream at them.

what i said was: she is your daughter. if you think what she is doing is a sin, then it's the same as my divorce, which is a sin to (their) god. and that they have to love her. and that both of our 'sins' are forgiven. and that i wish that, like when i told them that i'd already left ever, they'd tell her the same thing they told me: that they love me, and that they just want me to be happy.

i said that she is in love. that she is in a more loving, and a better relationship than i'd ever been in, and longer than any i'd been in until i was married.

that christianity teaches that god loves everyone, no matter their choices. that killers and gays and thiefs are all the same in god's eyes. same as people who have a bad thought, if sin is sin.

that (their) god is a loving god, that it's not our job to judge each other. that we should treat each other the way we want to be treated and love each other, not condone hate.

it fucking KILLS ME that mom said she's an abomination to god. that by being in love with a woman, she is spitting in his face. that she is a disgrace. that she's humiliated.

maybe now is the time to drop the atheist religion-hating bomb on them. take a little pressure off. but they might self-destruct with two heathen daughters. which is why i did not. i don't want them to worry with my salvation.

what i wanted to say, but didn't, is that it's all such a self-propagating hate spiral, where they think they're better just because they are a man and a woman. that my failed marriage was better than her loving relationship, because it was between a man and a woman. that i'm somehow better. starting over at 33. that it would have been better for me to have a baby with ever than it will be for her to have a kid someday.

dad said he will be understanding, but that he will NEVER support gay couples having a kid, in any fashion. which is just so fucked up.

mom's breakdown, which spawned this whole thing with telling dad was fucking ROUGH.

she told aubree that she was throwing her future away. that she'll never have a wedding (she will, if it's ever the right thing for her, because thankfully society is progressing toward a more open mindedness about gays loving as much as straights do, or failing as much as straights). that she'll never have a baby.

and, credit to aubree for thinking when mom was spouting this bullshit at her, for saying that she might not get married anyway, and that she will have a kid. to which mom said, 'with a woman? like on grey's anatomy???'

my thing is, aubree is the closest she's ever been to being so far ahead of her game in terms of her future. she had this idea, i can't remember writing it here, to come here for the summer, for her internship to graduate in august. her coursework is pretty much done. one more week.

and because i work in hospitals, and at an ivy league school, i posted a note at each about opportunities. and don't you know that i got her an internship at the ivy league school.

it's equal parts awesome, because she's going to have this huge awesome fucking thing on her curriculum vitae, and that i get to live with her here for the summer. three full months.

i'm so excited i can hardly stand it. and tomorrow i'm (hopefully) sealing the deal. which is just one piece of paper, contractual, between the two schools. and then it will be done. and she'll be here in two weeks.

so i feel like she is so future focused. so future oriented. and mom just sees her as this person who is limiting her choices and her future, because she happens to love a woman right now.

aubree fights the label. she doesn't want to be called a lesbian. and i get that. what she says is that she's just in love with a woman right now. and if it ends, then she doesn't know who she would like next. her mistake was giving mom and dad false hope that she'll 'straighten' out down the road, if things with her girlfriend don't work out.

what i personally believe is that she'll always love women. that her high school boyfriends (one is gay, and one was the perfect boy for marrying, until he went away to college/joined a frat/became a total fucking douche) were a phase of trying to fit in to what the church said she should be doing with her love.

and one thing i did say to them was, 'what? so you want her to fake straight so she can go to church, and marry a man, and look like she's happy when she's miserable?' i named this guy who has always been at their church. who is the gayest fucking gay man that ever walked the planet. who has a wife. and goes to church. you KNOW he loves dick. he walks it, talks it, acts it. and you know he thinks it. but god is so crammed down his throat that he can't be himself.

and i asked if that was really what they want for their daughter. to know that she'd never truly be happy, for the sake of faking straight to make them and their church approving of any relationship she was in.

and i didn't really get an answer. but i planted that seed.

not that anything can grow in a homophobic vacuum. but whatever.

it was an ultimately frustrating conversation. i was so mad, and trying to tone it down, for the sake of keeping the line of communication open with them about it, so they have at least me to talk to about how they feel and think about it.

i felt like i was parenting my parents. like they were the scared, confused, upset little kids. with backwards logic and hate in their hearts. it was awful.

and after 45 minutes of talking like that, in circles about their religion and how i see things differently than they do, but respect what they think and feel (i do not), in an effort to get them to vent to me so i can work on them underhandedly, mom got on the phone.

and she said, 'so what's going on with ever?'

which was a very different 30 minute conversation. from one awful topic to another. from one topic that frustrates me to one that depresses the shit out of me.

and i told them EVERYTHING. how he drank when we were dating. how he was on methadone after being a heroin addict for five years, two years before i met him. how i drove from work for a week and spent the night with him while he kicked methadone.

that he quit drinking then, too. and that everything was fine for years. that he drank on two separate trips home. once when he was bored. once when his grandfather died. that each time he started with a six pack. one time ended there inside a couple hours. the other included a couple bottles of wine. and during his temper tantrum when aubree and her crew were here. and lied about it.

and i'd already told them about the secret weed smoking when we were broke, but added that to the pile.

i told them that ever's story would make aubree's look like a cakewalk.

and i guess it kinda did.

minds were blown. obviously they had no clue. nor that he'd overdosed and been brought back three times. or been to rehab four.

so when i said that he was using heroin again, and that's what i was freaking out about, it all made sense.

mom told me i did the right things. calling his mom, not being involved, trying to get his friends to intervene, trying to get puppy out of there if possible.

and that i didn't do anything i shouldn't have done.

which i already knew. but it was nice to hear it anyway.

between the two halves of the conversation, when i could no longer take anymore, i was completely fucking FLOODED. emotionally, mentally, physically (i chain smoked and drank the whole time in an effort to keep going and to deal, which is a funny thing to do when discussing addictions). i hung up frustrated. upset. distraught. knowing that they will continue on their way home, and have a lot of shit to talk about how casual i am about the whole aubree-being-gay thing. and how i kept such a gigantic secret from them. i didn't tell them about his time spent in jail. that would have been too much to get into. later. there's always later, in the vein of full disclosure.

i got off the phone, with a broken voice, and tears in my eyes. telling my parents that i love them. that i am so grateful that they are my parents. that i hope they'll talk to me if they need to talk. and that i'm here for them.

it was a very difficult conversation. and i had to be up for suck store the next morning, so i was about three hours of relaxing behind schedule. i think that was when i started telling nina and kit what had happened.

and going through it all after going through it all had me so wound up. i couldn't drink enough to turn it off. i couldn't smoke enough cigarettes to turn it off.

and to think that i'd just had the best day i'd had in AGES right before that call was devastating.

i'd come home so full of hope and happiness. and then gone all rock bottom style, talking about aubree and ever's rock bottom. luckily, i did manage to pick up the conversation in the end, talking about their trip up to move aubree and work on the house with me.

so that pepped them up a little. and helped me, too. but still.

i got into bed sick and upset. angrier than i have been in a long time. i wanted to scream. i wanted to break something.

and instead, i just laid in bed. staring at my ceiling. listening to chill music. my new 'makeout mix' which is hopeful. i have yet to make out to it.

and then put on the universe and watched almost two episodes before passing out and getting a quick five hour nap before going to suck store on monday.

it was awful. i won't soon recover. i just hate the situation. i hate that my sister has this whole road ahead of her, where she has to fight for her mind. her heart. her body. everything. against parents, who should be the only people you never have to fight. it fucking BLOWS.

but she's a tough kid. i told them that her time here will be so good for so many reasons. her girl is now out of the country. which is horrible for the two of them, but good for my parents having time to process things. and because i was in a distanced relationship from ever, i can say that it will provide clarity to each of them individually. where i learned about all the bad things about ever and continued on anyway, they will probably realize just how much they truly love each other. and proving that they can survive continents' worth of distance over next six months to a year will speak volumes about how they feel about each other. their love will grow.

because she's leaving florida to be here, where things are so open minded and accepting. and specifically non-religious. or maybe specifically non-southern baptist. she's coming up here to do some work that will catapult her into (hopefully) her top choice school, when paired with her brain surgery story.

not being two hours from parents will let her focus on herself, and will allow her to do what she wants with her time, instead of creating choices between who she spends time with, late night drives back and forth to appease mom instead of studying, and generally allowing her a nurturing environment to grow up in, without being so stifled by god and church and family.

she won't have to answer to them unless she chooses to take their calls. she won't feel like she's under constant scrutiny, because i love who she is as a person, and i love who she is as a grown adult. making adult choices that are not always easy.

and i apologized in advance to mom and dad, saying that two things could happen. either she'll come here and love it, and get the same itch her big sister got, to be free and live somewhere different. or she'll realize that she's a fish out of water, who misses florida (i cannot fathom that this would be the case), who misses seeing her parents every couple weeks (again, is it possible?). i never got along with them until i moved as far away as possible (tahoe). it was only when i returned home, broken hearted, defeated, yet somehow grown up and rejuvenated, that i wanted to go back to school committed fully to it.

i hope that she gains all of these things. it's my job as her big sister. i'm so happy i could help her. and hopefully tomorrow it is finally final, so i can clean the house and prepare the room that she will call home from may until august. when i fly home with her, for her graduation from university.

like a mama bird pushing her baby out of the nest, which is something my mother will fight, because she is the baby, i will only do it when i know she has a fighting chance. when i know that she can do it. when i know that she can do more than just survive.

to get ultra fucking sappy, i'm so so ready for her to take flight. her life is going to change completely, in every possible way, in the next two weeks. and i am so full of love and happiness and excitement for her. i cannot wait for her to get here and be with me. to see that things don't have to be so hard. that life doesn't have to be a struggle when you are who you are, and no one is trying to change you.

man. i love that kid. i can't fucking WAIT!

best date ever. to date... april 17th, part 1.

so sunday was supposed to be nice and easy. short and sweet and to the point. matthew wanted brunch. so i said, fine... favorite bar has the best brunch.

so we agreed to meet there, after a bit of discussion about what time he wakes up vs what time i wake up. i never make plans before 1 or 2 on sunday, because i sleep in, drink my coffee, and wake up as slowly as possible. sunday pace for me is just a crawl. and i usually don't feel like leaving the house, if at all, until hours after i wake up and lay around being lazy.

but i told him i'd meet him at 11, so he'd be hungry for brunch, because he was threatening not to eat. and what is brunch if there's no eating?

i woke up at 8, after a few hours of a nap. it was not nearly enough sleep. and i was a little bit disappointed, admittedly, that i was waking up and getting out of bed for a super early brunch.

but at the same time, i was excited for it. kit was meeting us there for a bit. i biked. he drove. it was another stunning day here.

spring is here. i hope it's here to stay. it felt like it took forever to get this point in the season, and we were having those 'tease' days where it would be 45 then 50 and gloomy, then 70 and sunny, and then 45 rainy again.

but it's been consistently in the 60s for a few days. it's a huge relief. everything is in bloom. pollen is on everything. and it's breezy and beautiful.

somehow, despite being up so early, i laid in bed too long and then had to rush to get ready. i ended up about 15 minutes late, which was fine, because he ended up looking for parking and i beat him there.

so we sat at the bar, and talked progressively more loudly while the place filled up. we had coffee. then food. then drinks. we were cutting jokes and teasing each other, which was fun. sam and the crew seemed completely unfazed that i was there with a boy, and didn't make any special effort to say hi or anything. but that's how sunday brunch goes. everyone is in a wicked mood since jeff left. something is definitely missing.

i made a comment about how spectacular a day it was, and how i was going to hop on my bike after brunch and go look for stoop/sidewalk sales in the neighborhood.

we'd been there for over an hour at that point. and he got this look on his face that funny and cute and sad all at the same time, and said, 'you mean you don't want to hang out with me today? you're leaving me?'

i corrected him, saying that i would, absolutely love to hang with him. that he had said brunch, and that i wasn't making any assumptions about time after that. so it was decided that we would go on an adventure. together. he wanted to go to a record store to look for a few things. it sounded like fun, though i haven't dropped cash on music in a billion years.

he is all about driving, which makes me slightly crazy. and i was all about biking, which he hates. so i said, 'let's walk. it's so nice out. we can't drive.'

and he agreed. he talked to kit for a minute, then her date showed up, and we bailed.

trees were in bloom. leaves were clinging to branches. it was super sunny and really breezy, and i kept stopping to take pictures. he asked to be in one. it's a fantastic picture. postcard worthy, i'd venture to say.

i kept linking arms with him, and i guess we got about halfway into the city toward the first record store, and i grabbed his hand. he complimented my skill improvement, from the first date. i think we spend like two thirds of the time we're together giving each other shit. and because somehow i've become witty since i started dating him, i can keep up. and we can burn each other equally, so one person doesn't start to feel like a whipping boy.

we were just silly and funny, walking quickly, giving each other shit, and bouncing from story to story, topic to topic. things with matthew just flow. it's effortless. we're the same speed, mentally. though he comes up with some seriously witty concepts that blow me away sometimes. i'm not quite that evolved yet.

once we got into the record store, things felt even better. call me stupid, but i guess i don't know what dating is. i think of dating as like dinner and a movie. or dinner and drinks. or lunch. or brunch. almost always a meal. and then, maybe a park or something.

i don't think of it as 'hey, you love music and i love music, and there's something i've been wanting to buy, so let's go to the record store.'

but what happened once we got there felt a little like magic.

we like a lot of the same stuff, musically. the second time we hung out, he had a tee shirt on under a button up shirt, for this band that i JUST found on pandora, and had literally downloaded the night before, called zolof the rock and roll destroyer. i told him about it. it was super random.

and most of the time, i feel that all i live for is writing and music. and asking each other bands and recommending stuff based on that for hours was great. it was so much fun. and a wholesome date without having sex was a welcome change, based solely on necessity. it made me feel like i could be respected. joking.

but he didn't find what he wanted in the first store, and there was another store a couple blocks off. we passed the bar where we went that first night, and he said we should grab a beer after checking out the other shop.

i told him that if we weren't having so much fun, i was planning to go home and have an afternoon alone, but that i was totally into prolonging our time together. it was arts and crafts day at the bar, so i was even more into the idea of going back there specifically.

we were looking through the same sections at the same time, very close to each other in the second store. and i found this cd that was so obscure that i freaked out a little. i know, so hipster-y of me. but really... i've never seen a copy in the eight years i've been friends with half the band. so it was awesome to find it there. like it was planted, and waiting for me to happen into it.

things like zolof and the cd and other millions of little coincidences would have had a profound effect on me. making me super smitten and spouting 'it's meant to be' and 'see? everything happens for a reason' and all that other bullshit drivel.

i'm so glad i'm not like that anymore. now, after a hundred of those things happen, i shake my head, and get a laugh out of it. like, 'hm. that's pretty funny.' and reflect on how insane i used to be, clinging to those things and taking them as signs, instead of just asking whoever i was with.

i mean, there's something undeniable with some things. like finding one of a shirt that is on super sale and just happens to be your favorite size and color. you know, when the stars align just right.

but the difference now is that i'm a big girl. and instead of taking the two of us happening to reach for the same cd out of a hundred at the same time as a sign of being in love, i just get a giggle out of it, and tell him he's cute. i'm so relieved. i really feared reverting back to that girl. and i'm so glad that i am not even tempted to.

i asked him if i could kiss him in the second store, and he turned his face a quarter, i guess giving me his cheek. but i went for his mouth. it seemed strange to spend time making out and kissing so much the first two dates, and to not have more contact than hugs and arm linking and hand holding. we'd been together about three hours at that point, and hadn't kissed at all.

i thought it was cute to ask, and after i kissed him there, i think we were both a little bit happier and more comfortable. after. he made a comment about me being smoky, from just having had a cigarette. i apologized and he laughed, saying i knew it didn't bother him. but that i should spend less time smoking, as i'd already had like six in the span of three hours.

he found a couple things he wanted, and i bought my hipster cd, and we left to go back to the bar.

we ordered beers and talked and joked a lot, while i made cute little crafts for nina's kids. he wrote a song on a page ripped out of a coloring book.

and then we flipped the plastic frogs from first date night into a dish (instead of my cleavage), and played that game for a while.

i don't know.

i came home and thought about it so much. it's just so easy with him. so simple. we just bump along and coexist when we hang out. and there's no pressure and no awkwardness. i don't quite have the feeling that i could say ANYTHING to him yet, but i am pretty close to it. i've pushed the envelope a few times, and he's responded positively every time, and pushing back equally.

had i met him years ago, he'd probably be my boyfriend by now. now being week TWO, by the way. we'd be attached at the hip and smitten and falling in love and spending like every day and night together. all the spare time.

i get that feeling from him for a few different reasons. first of all, we now have a huge stack of like fifteen dates that we want to go on together. not to mention, he keeps inviting me out to meet different friends different days of the week. like, 'you HAVE to meet this friend. on wednesdays we go to this place. oh and you should hang out with this couple i know. we go to this place on mondays.' and on and on. all of my days could be filled if i said yes to everything and put dates on each one.

what's funny is that, unlike before when i was in the dating world, it's not that he's doing all this shit to get into my pants. back when i was a prude (instead of the whore i've become), dudes had to put up with a lot of shit from me. go here, go do this thing, like weeks worth of hangouts, months even! and then MAYBE i'd sleep with them. the beauty of matthew is that he doesn't have to spend any time with me because i took him home with me that first night.

he genuinely wants to hang out. and that feels pretty good to me.

i'm so glad that we're upfront with each other. specifically that he knows exactly where i am, mentally and emotionally and relationally.

because i had my first clue when he asked to see me this weekend, on friday morning when he woke up.

when we left the bar on sunday, the discussion turned on his end, and it has had me in a daze since.

on the way back to my old neighborhood, by favorite bar, where his car and my bike were parked, he wanted to say hi to his friend.

so we did. she was awesome. and her fiancee was really awesome, too. they're great together, and happy and cute.

and they're getting married in two weeks.

two. weeks.

it was the majority of the conversation. stress and planning and plans. the honeymoon. how excited they were, and how ready they are to be married and just have the wedding behind them.

she was talking specifics, and i could relate, so i did. and to be fair, i said i had a wedding once, and gave her some sensible advice.

we hung in their living room talking for a while, before leaving to walk the rest of the way back. our arms were around each other, hands on hips, and somehow he was managing to keep up with my quick pace.

and before we even made it off their block, he had asked me if he had invited me to go to their wedding with him yet.

and i said he hadn't. (i didn't even know about it until i was in their living room)

i said i didn't know if it was a good idea or not, and talked about how ironic it was that i'd just had an entire conversation with dave and ash the night before about how hard it was for me to go to their wedding in september. this huge moral dilemma, an internal struggle. that i couldn't say yes for a month. because i didn't think i could handle it.

and he made a comment about me being jaded and bitter about weddings, because he knows that i have no intention to get married again, much less anytime soon. he didn't mean it like i'm a bitter person, and clarified because it sounded weird. but how he understands not wanting that, and not wanting to be a part of it, right now.

and i asked where and when it was, and told him i'd have to see when my family is coming up. and make sure i could before telling him i would.

it was exactly then that i got a tickle in my throat. i thought i was going to throw up, because i couldn't clear it. there was so much pollen everywhere. i dug in my back after choking on my words for a tissue. i only had one, and said, 'well, now you know THAT about me' when i blew my nose like a grandpa. he didn't think anything of it.

but we walked, and were within a few blocks of my bike and his car. with that fucking tickle. it was making me nauseous. and i wondered how much of it was nerves at the thought of being a boy's date to a wedding.

right now, three days later, i feel excited about it. and i hope it's a daytime wedding, because i have pinback tickets for that night, and am not missing that show. i bought them like a month and a half ago.

i want an excuse to wear the dress i've held onto for years, waiting for another springtime or summertime wedding. i wore it last, with ever, nine years ago at wendy's wedding.

my belly flops a little when i think about dancing with him at the reception. when i think about running from the reception, tipsy, down the street, like the cover of 'paper hearts', to the show after a quick wardrobe change. or in our wedding attendee clothes, which would make us stick out like a sore thumb, but also be fun in a different way.

he hasn't gotten back to me about what time it's happening, so i still don't know if there's anything to be excited and/or nervous about yet.

so we were walking, and talking about that, and a couple blocks later was when the shift happened. the daze one.

i don't remember now what he even said. i guess it was in relation to how the two of them met, and how perfect they are together, and things like that. and he said (as he has said before, last time was following the details of my divorce and marriage hating) that if he met the right person now, he'd be totally into it. he's not specifically looking for it. and he won't force it. but if it happened? he'd be totally ready to jump in. and i said something about thinking it is so strange that i used to feel like that, and that now i kindof feel like i'd try to avoid it if i felt like that was where i was heading.

i said that i make an awesome girlfriend. that i'm fantastic at monogamy. and that there's no way i'm going to be either of those things right now. because it doesn't even sound appealing. that i just want to have fun.

and he said something, in addition to the fact that he is a very good boyfriend.

i don't know. we had a very uncomfortable conversation, and neither of us got uncomfortable. at least, i didn't. i feel like he got a little defensive in a way, that he wasn't saying it about me, just to me.

and i got that, and said that i knew. and that it's how we were even having the conversation. somehow we talked the whole way home about weddings and boy/girlfriends, and i didn't freak out. and he didn't either. we talked in such a way that it kindof removed each other from it. made it totally objective, even though i'm sure we were both saying things to give each other a clue.

i told him that i knew he'd make an awesome boyfriend. i think i said, 'i totally get that' after he said so. and he also followed up the asking me to the wedding bit with a speel about understanding if i didn't want to go, and that was probably why he hadn't asked me to go with him, without realizing it.

as we crossed broad street, a giant gust of wind blew, and his phillies hat flew off his head, backwards, all the way from one side of broad to the other. like seven lanes of distance, tumbling. it came to a stop in front of a firehouse. he ran after the hat, luckily it was sunday so there were no cars around. and i ran after him, in case it blew down the road further.

he grabbed it and we continued on our way. i can't remember now what he said at the exact moment it happened. but whatever it was made chasing his hat all over the street even funnier.

so we changed the subject to something nice and light for those last few blocks. probably talking about what we'll do together next, making plans without specific days and dates attached. i don't really remember. but we got back to my old apartment, which he had parked in front of. and he said something like 'thanks for hanging out. it was fun.'

and i said something back, like, 'that was a perfect date. i had a lot of fun with you today. thanks for walking. so much better than driving...'

and we hugged and kissed like three separate times. and he was into his car and i was onto my bike, over to kit's for a state of the union.

i don't know what to think or make of any of it. i'm letting things settle. it feels a lot like shaking something up for hours. and then letting it sit overnight for a few days. like salad dressing. let it separate into distinct parts. and then see what is going on in the bottle.

i don't feel bottled up. not at all. i don't feel pressured. i feel like we have a stupid amount of fun together. so i wouldn't mind hanging out with him more than once or twice a week.

and then i realize that i feel some guilt already. not specific to him. it's more a generalized fear that is always running in the back of my mind.

as it relates to him, i know that if i wanted a boyfriend, he'd be it. he'd be devoted and sweet and thoughtful. he'd want to be around all the time. we'd want to do all the same stuff. together. and at the same time, we'd have independent time apart, too. and i do think that if i was looking for someone to come home to at night, he'd be an ideal candidate.

but because i don't want that, i have this feeling that is making me feel ways that i've never felt before.

for starters? i feel like a DUDE. i want to fuck without strings attached. fuck without emotional attachments. i just want to fuck. like, all the time.

and second, i feel like a selfish bitch. because i'm going to walk around, i'm going to date, and i'm going to hit on boys, without caring about how the feel. at all.

i think the way i put it last night is that i feel like i'm on the warpath. inadvertently seeking revenge on all the guys who ever fucked me without caring about me, and casting me aside when the next best thing came along.

i don't want to be an asshole. i'm not inherently an asshole.

and it's not in my nature to not care about the person i sleep with. it's something i have to work very hard at. and i guess when it will change, and when i'll let it, is when the deeper care starts to creep in. i hope it's like a year from now. and that i don't hurt too many people in the process.

i guess i just feel very afraid of losing/hurting matthew at this early point in the game. he's so much fun, i don't want him to tell me to fuck off because i'm not even open to making myself emotionally available to him. i don't want my only fuck buddy to stop hanging out with me.

i guess i'll deal with it when some poor boy tells me i'm an asshole.

the reason i think about it so much is because of how, my entire life until now, i've spent the years on the other end of the heartbreak. on the receiving end of being fucked and discarded. of falling for boys who refused to let me in, to be emotionally available to me.

and i worry for the karma that will bite me in the ass in retribution for what i'm doing right now. actively.

i think about hurting these boys on accident. and i commend myself for saying from the very beginning that i am not looking for a relationship. that i want to keep things free and open and non-committal. so it's not like i'm saying, 'i'm looking for THE ONE' and then thanking them for being on my roster.

that's the difference, i guess. well, that paired with the fact that i'm not 21 anymore.

and how that plays in now. which is the other half of the guilt. so i'm 33. and most guys my age are thinking about getting married and making babies. they've had ten more years of being single under their belt. they've had a decade or two of fuck buddies, while i was off being married. so what i'm going to run into are dudes who are over being a fuck buddy, and actually want a relationship.

let me tell you... when i had that revelation sometime yesterday, my mind was completely blown. light bulb style. 'OH! they're ready to settle down.'

and then, here i come, little miss starting over at 33, about to fuck their shit UP.

all in the name of making up for lost time. all for the sake of proving to myself that i can do something for a year that is not in my nature. just like being alone. i'm now in the one year phase of being alone without having to be alone.

it's so strange. it's such a multiple role reversal that i can't quite wrap my head around it.

because i'm on the other side of things now. i'm the one saying, 'chill, baby. let's just have fun. and go with the flow.'

god, i must sound like such an asshole.

i'm trying to figure out how i feel about it. or at what point it will change for me. at what point some dude is going to pull a tea move, and put it on the line. and say, 'i need something more from you. i feel too much to keep going on this way.'

or worse, the move i've pulled a few times, 'i'm in love with you. don't you feel anything for me?'

only to have new me reply back to boy version of old me, 'no. actually. i'm quite happy the way things are. why fuck it up now?'


this is going to be tough...

matthew 2, joey 2. april 15th.

it's tax day.

and this is post number four hundred and seven, since i went back and deleted the shittiest of my original old-writing-to-get-a-head-start posts. i only left my favorite stuff for you, bloggerland...

i'm so proud of myself. it's no small feat. it's only easy when i don't think about who does read this, who could read this, who will read this, or how many anonymous people stumble upon it and either read or dismiss it never to return. it's only easy when i keep in mind that i'm writing for myself, and others are just a bonus. it's easiest when i think of it as a way to let my best and most treasured friends know what the hell i'm up to because i suck at picking up the phone, and struggle to work out scheduling hang outs. i've been on my phone a lot lately, because so much is going on with me, but otherwise, working on that.

i like to keep myself secluded, i guess. first it was my depression this winter. when i drank alone and never felt like going anywhere other than favorite bar or kit's, and regretted favorite bar alone every single time. then it was the divorce. then the house. and now, i'm becoming a shitty friend because of boys. i'm trying to strike a balance. keep me in check.

but don't worry, friends. the novelty will surely wear off soon. and one of the three dating site dates i have set up for the coming week will probably be less than awesome. and i'll learn something from it. and move along with some kind of a bruise that makes it tender to try again with someone else. but i'm in forward momentum mode, and i am smitten with spring and feeling more alive than i have in YEARS.

or i'll settle in with joey, and quit dating site. and get over my crush on robbie for good, and not care that he never tries to hang out with me, or invite me to help him.

(i wrote this a couple days ago, and came back to it. robbie and i hung out for a whole hour today at suck store. i'll probably never get over my running-away-with-robbie-in-a-winnebago dream)

i hope i can find a balance. because boys and work is already a struggle. and mixing house work in, which is physically/mentally/emotionally exhausting, makes for this perfect storm of ups and downs and insomnia and feeling sleep deprived and nauseous. fluctuating between pigging out like i normally do and not being able to stuff one slice of bread down my gullet.

i'm drinking more, because i'm hanging out more. i'm out more. matthew outdrinks me, which (to borrow alice's phrase) has normalized having four or five beers in several hours while we hang around or bar hop.

i'm drinking more because that's what contractor and i do when we work, which has tapered off in the last couple weeks. but we drink about half the time we work together.

and i'm drinking more in an effort to sleep, which just makes me stumbly and awake. thanks to late coffee, and a high energy spring onset insomnia.

this week (last week, technically) with work was good because i tackled so many big problems/issues/concerns, that i felt like i did my job. which made me stress less, even though the stress and workload was so much more. i finished the week feeling accomplished, which is both refreshing and different.

you know... today (friday the 15th) was so great in so many ways. i had that same stars aligning feeling. because yesterday was also great.

but tonight derailed and i'm right back in the pickle i stay in. and? i didn't even see it coming.

i should say, first, that i am exhausted. i worked yesterday (thursday) after cleaning my room while mike hogged the bathroom. i took a five minute shower and let him go. forty minutes later, my room was spotless and stocked with condoms near the bed, to avoid the mood spoiling digging that occured on date night number 1. see? i can be taught! i woke up at 8 and got to work just after 10. my goal had been 930.

i closed. it was dead. i was daydreamy and not in the mood to work. but i did. and i got everything done ahead, so i was ready to roll at 605.

biked home, and cleaned up a tiny bit, knowing matthew was coming over, instead of the two of us going out somewhere to try to watch two games simultaneously.

matthew is a lot of fun. he likes hockey, which, whatever, but he taught me the basics while we flipped between hockey and the phils game.

we drank, we made out, he gave me a back rub, i reciprocated.

then some other things happened which were fun. ordered in. and then we ate our pizza and wings and went to bed, as stuffed as we could get. as mutually agreed upon.

it was so sweet, he told me i was comfortable after he thanked me for letting him stay in.

waiting a week for a warm boy tangled up with me was pretty easy, all things considered.

it kinda flew by.

and it just reminds me how great it is to have a warm body there. i don't know. i have missed it this past year. but i was missing it for so many years that everything feels like forever ago.

he woke up for work at 615 again, and i started my day by having a stoop smoke at 645 this morning (friday). when he drove past and waved goodbye, i was on dating site messaging back alot about our date.

heartless bitch? mayhaps. but i'm glad for another date. in keeping with the whole not-getting-attached, trying-new-things, playing-the-field, seeing-what's-out-there, single life, i feel like i HAVE to.

i came in and got a shower and felt fantastic. i dressed for the weather we had yesterday, where it was upper 60s. and froze all day, because it was upper 50s. and i was lower half of pantlegs and a coat away from being comfortable.

but i felt great and didn't care. i was only cold between the car and the house and the office, and for half of my bike ride. because that's how long it takes for body heat to make you sweat from exercise.

so i went to the office first, and so super early, that i was the only person there besides the guy who owns it. i usually roll in at 12 at the earliest. today i was there before 9. i couldn't even buy beer and smokes on the way into delaware, because i was so early.

got there, did my stuff. felt great, despite a boy-caused lack of sleep. i drank a ginormous dunkin coffee, and got shit done. which was super effective, so much less chaotic with an empty office. i was focused. because i had to leave before 11 to make it to suck store on time. which barely allowed a trip to the beer and cigarette store on my way out of town.

but my sweet ass timeline derailed, as per the usual, when i had to depend on other people in the office on the next to last day of tax prep.

and it was 1115, and i was still stuck there. and then racing to get to suck store. i didn't have time to stop, but literally ran into the cigarette store and back out in about one minute, into beer store next door and back out in under five.

i was on a mission.

i succeeded. and nothing blew up.

i got onto 95 with plenty of time.

and then got caught in a parking lot traffic jam. so stressed on time, but at the same time feeling so great. because it was SO NICE. and my music was so perfect. i was in the best mood from hanging out with matthew. and so excited about joey. and just in love with spring.

and trapped in my car.

and wouldn't you know, as i pulled off the interstate, cat texted me all this 'holy shit! no no no!' stuff. saying that it was next friday.

i pulled over to calm down. which is apparently something that i do now. i guess because it involves my phone. and also because i don't want to think so hard while navigating.

i was so mad that i was so tired because i'd killed myself to get there on time, instead of taking a nap after he left and rolling into work at 10, which would be early for a friday.

and then realized i'd gotten a half day, didn't have to work suck store. my weekend came early.

i went home to unload everything. and i knew in my mind that there was no way in hell joey would go to my store, but felt like biking in the weather. so i went to hang with kim and pam.

i actually did about an hour's worth of work, but mostly gabbed.

i was sitting to eat food because i didn't have time to stop. i spend a lot of time looking out the window next to my store. i see kit walk by from time to time, so i'm always looking. and the running joke is, 'are you looking for that boy?'. whichever boy it happens to be that particular day.

i was so worried that joey thought i had his number, and so determined to make plans and pin him down. but was trying not to stress on it.

and i took a big bite, and happened to turn around and look out the window. and what did i see? joey's fresh haircut, bouncing by...

the store is elevated. unless you're standing, you don't see people walking below. i was sitting on double milk crates, because that's what we all do to take a 'break'. and he's so fucking tall, i saw him.

i banged on the window. frantically, smiling.

kit has never heard me. but joey did.

and he smiled up and waved.

i assumed he was on his way in.

he came around the front of the building, and the girls were 'holy shit' and 'oh my god' and freaking out with giggling tea.

only he crossed the street and kept walking.

pam said, 'he's not coming in!'

and it was like something out of a national geographic nature channel program. i stood up and ran through the lobby to the front door after him.

and saw him turn a corner into a building that leads to a path where i'd never find him.

so i ran through the middle of the street after him. click clicking in my crocs, faster than lightning. i yelled, 'joey', and he didn't hear me. so i yelled again and he turned around, as i said 'don't make me chase you!' laughing.

he gave me a hug and said he was late to a meeting, had to run, but that he'd be back in 20.

i said i was waiting for kit (i was) and that i'd be around for 30 minutes.

he wrinkled up his face, like i'd be gone or something.

so i said, 'it's cool - i'll wait for you.'

and he was off and i walked back inside. fucking WINDED.

i'd already had about ten cigarettes and a twenty minute windy bike ride. it took the full thirty minutes to recover.

kit never showed, and i decided i'd stay until close, talking to the girls, to see if kit made it.

joey returned a bit later.

totally bypassed the food and register, aiming straight for me.

he's just so funny and cool.

and, as i said before, completely random.

the first thing he said was, 'sorry i didn't shower today. i'm kinda funky.'

which cracked all of us up.

i was on the end of the bar, he was standing next to me for a minute, but then leaned back relaxing against the condiment stand, asking me when was a good day for me, and the girls went about their business.

i asked if he was busy sunday. he said he wanted to hang at night, so i ruled it out because i had to be up so early on monday (today) for suck store. 10 pm meetup and waking up at 545 would have been a royal fucking disaster. even i know my limits, and a bad idea when i hear one.

he remembered i had bowling on saturday night. so he stood there for a second, thinking. and i took an excited breath and asked if he had plans that night.

he scrunched up his face again, kinda staring deep in thought. and said that he didn't think so.

so we said 10. it was 330. i was cracked out exhausted, and decided silently to go home to nap.

he put his number in my phone, under his last name. and split out quickly, saying he'd see me later.

the girls had given us some space, but when he was leaving, told him his haircut was super cute.

i reiterated the point, and he was gone.

there was squealing, and jumping up and down, and high fives, and hugs.

way to nail it down, tea. leave no room for misinterpretation. commit. and execute.

then i was on another mission. biking home. take an ativan, drink a beer, and take a four hour nap.

only i had texted my girls that i had a date with him, and spent over an hour on the phone, telling nina what happened.

as i was leaving, kit was arriving. so we walked together. i told her what happened on our way to the bus. she got on the bus and i biked.

it's pretty funny that bikes and buses travel at the same right, when traffic is taken into account.

she got off the bus as i rolled up on my bike. i jumped off, and we picked up the conversation with the details of her day. she was leaving for a family dinner, and i biked home.

i made it into bed at 530, with a pbr ativan coctail in my system. too excited to sleep. and wrote the majority of this post. i'd put my phone on silent and set my alarm for 9, to have time to shower and get ready and bike to his place.

and at 630, i was still awake, and looked over to see he had texted me.

and my heart was all aflutter. and then, broken.

he broke the date. he had forgotten he had plans that night after all, with a friend he hadn't seen in months. wanted to reschedule.

i was so super bummed. understatement. it felt a little like the end of the world. loosely. and i tried to play it cool when i texted him back. saying that sunday day could be fun if he was up for it.

and immediately wrote another text saying i swear i'm not a brat, and that we can put it off until this week, because we can listen to records and drink anytime, when science and coffee allow.

i recovered it well, i thought. and he said that was cool, that he'd taken a nap and sorry for the delay in getting back to me. that he has a huge paper due on thursday.

and said he'd have a lot of free time this coming weekend, after this paper was behind him.

so i agreed, and said i'd accept a bit of information in exchange for breaking our plans. and said hi to apple, and that we'd drink some beer to celebrate the paper being finished.

he hahaha'd me back. and that was the end of that.

not a peep since.

and that's the story of how i came to the bummer night, when i almost made a slew of mistakes, because i'd chilled out thinking i had a date, and suddenly the only boy i wanted to see wouldn't see me...

it was so stark, compared to the way my day went to allow me to turn around and happen to see him.

who knows? if i hadn't, i might have left, and then he would have come by when i wasn't there. if cat hadn't screwed me up, i'd have been in delaware. or at suck store.

it just felt like twenty things had gone right to allow us to plan the date. and then when it backfired, it was the worst feeling.

but i say it often... you have to know the lows to recognize the highs.

but friday? friday was the opposite. i had to know the highs to know just how low i felt. it felt like winter again. it felt like inattention on dating site. it felt like loneliness. impossibility.

and it left me alone with my thoughts. and it wasn't pretty.

i'm fine with it now. i know that things will happen when they're supposed to. and i was so glad when i woke up with my period saturday morning, alone, in my own bed.

because, holy shit. that would have SUCKED.

it will all go the way it is supposed to.

this is kit's birthday weekend. i have plans on friday and on saturday. so here's to hoping that he wants to hang out on sunday. or doesn't mind a birthday hazy slightly drunk tea showing up at his doorstep on saturday night.

he'd better do the right thing. and he'd better get in touch with me soon. i have a feeling this will be the trick to him. i think that his science life is so fucking crazy right now that he can't think ahead. kit and i discussed it. she said he's probably walking around kinda dazed that it's happening now, too, like i am. because we have a pretty good idea of where he's at in his studies. asking permission to graduate, working on his dissertation all hours, doing last minute projects to tie up loose ends, and meeting with committees who determine his fate.

and here comes little tea, asking him out on a date. two years too late. hopefully not too late.

he seems like the kind of dude who would just fly by the seat of his pants randomly. and for a girl who feels like her time is suddenly limited (after having no one tugging at me for months in a row) and who cannot function without her iphone calendar telling her where to be the next day and who to meet with and where at night, i need a little heads up. because this is the one boy i'm clearing my calendar for...

ramen insomnia, with a side of boycrazy. april 17th, technically.

i got overwhelmed today for the first time in a very long time. emotionally. it was the equivalent to the hair on the back of my neck standing up. and i immediately shut it off. literally put a lid on it.

i thought i was ready to handle something. and i was, in fact, really not.

it started innocently enough: matthew knows someone i knew in college back home. it is such a random coincidence (i met this person back home before he ever lived with this person up here). i told him i'd find a picture i knew i had of him, from a time when i was 21, when he happened to be friends/classmates with my ex, the sun.

and i found it. not the night he was here, when we went looking. but today, when i picked up the second album. it was on the first page. it blew my mind a little. and made me wish i'd picked it up then, but i just didn't want to spend time going through old photo albums right then. so when i didn't find it first, i stopped looking and said i'd show him later.

but at the point in time where i picked up the album today, i had also decided (this is where my judgment took a turn for the 'not so much') that i could go through my shoebox full of photos to find the one i was originally thinking of.

i stared at the box, the same way i stare at my old journals. it requires a mini pep talk.

i've successfully avoided the journals for a year and a half, by some miracle. and i thought the shoebox would be so much easier, and so much less intense, and so much better an idea. i know what happens when i grab journals. and the last time i went through the shoebox was when i joined facebook and uploaded all my old pics to tag people i'd reconnected with online.

i guess i was thinking of all my tahoe pictures. my road trip pictures. and all the good times.

first of all, when i opened the box, a picture of chalk was on top.

i don't know why. or how. but it made my stomach turn. it was from the time when i met him, 14 years ago. and i hated him then, everything about him. he was conceited (for no good reason) and obnoxious, and had the standard coffee house pony tail/goatee combo. and the picture was so gross.

i pushed it to the bottom of a pile, and stuck it in the back, trying to shake the weirdness that sleeping with him this fall brought to my gut when i saw the picture from ages ago.

then i grabbed a first little stack, maybe 30 pictures. and they were all tahoe and the grand canyon. and they made me smile. all nature. no people.

i put them to the back.

and i pinched the next stack in my fingers and started to pull them up.

the stack consisted of all the duplicates of my wedding photos.

and ever was on top, in a picture with his mother's old housemate.

without even pulling the stack out of the box, i looked away. and i pushed them back down inside, and closed the lid and pushed the box away from me.

i think the instinctive reaction was because i have been thinking about ever quite a bit. matthew asked the other night, at the craziest possible time (i swear i'm not exaggerating), why i got divorced.

and wanting to explain it to him, i told the simplified version. matthew, who i was so fearful that i would have friends in common with. and he had no clue of anyone that i was talking about, much less ever or the business. it was a huge relief.

i told him the story, following a week spent procrastinating talking to the dudes about the extrication of my puppy, and an intervention for ever.

following about two weeks running, thinking that every day would be the day that someone called to tell me that he is dead. and the whole time i've known about his relapse, contemplating whether i would go to his funeral. it's always in the back of my mind. attention deficit helps me distract myself, and makes it so much easier to turn off.

the funeral question is easy, come to think of it. he won't have one. and he certainly won't be put in the ground. he'll be burned up. just like his father. and won't even have the privilege of being scattered somewhere, because he will not be buried.

he'll sit in a plastic bag in a little box, just like his dad. in a box in a room where his mother lives.

that's his fate.

it is so fucked up.

and i walk around daily, not really thinking of it, except sometimes randomly. smiling. and happy. truly feeling alive and free and wonderful. somehow. and then i'll frown about him for a minute. then go back to skipping along.

well, not really somehow. i guess the fact that i feel relieved and grateful to not be stuck in his mess is the reason why i feel so free of it. because everyone is jumping ship. and bailing on him. following suit. and the funny thing is, i bet they all judged me for doing it. and not that i wish to say 'i was right' because of what he is doing, but i was right. and now they all will see it.

i messaged jay tonight about it. i hope he wastes no time in responding. we'll see. he tends to write with a heavy delay, and he's always short on time.

back to the titular track...

ramen. it's 345am. i'm wide fucking awake.

i came home from a night out bowling with a wicked stomachache. it made me think of this tidbit i just heard, about people getting sick from draught beer taps not being cleaned properly. the beer was watery, which was fine - i only had two and had to drive through a fucking monsoon to get there and home. and then i had a seltzer. and some chicken fingers and fries. with some wing sauce.

maybe it was my late lunch of a breakfast sandwich i bought yesterday morning and couldn't stomach until today. maybe it was the coffee i had up until i left (oh, RIGHT. that is why i'm awake...4 pm coffee time). whatever it was, i felt so sick i thought i was going to puke driving home.

i had two cigarettes on the way from jersey. and i didn't really take much of a break between them. and i had time for a third. but i knew that if i smoked, i would be pulling over to barf.

it's like the cigarette that does you in when you've had entirely too much to drink. it's the one that makes you spin. even though you realize it almost immediately, it's already too late. and the next thing you know? pukefest. only i wasn't drunk. i wasn't even tipsy. but felt that awful.

so when kit asked me to favorite bar, i didn't want to drive in the rain that i'd just driven home in. she'd been about 20 minutes too late calling me. i could have stopped on the way home. but i felt so sick to my stomach that i said i needed an hour. and came inside. at midnight, she gave up on me.

the feeling just went away, at about 230am. when i could finally stomach a mom cookie. and washed it down with a pbr. and had another smoke. so gross.

i uploaded some super cute pictures today, and spent some time tagging them, which i don't usually do. and giving them witty captions, which i always aim to do.

i felt good enough to call it hungry about 30 minutes ago. and just finished a bowl of beef ramen. definitely my least favorite of all the varieties. in fact, i don't know why i even get it.

and i'll regret the potato chips i ate with it tomorrow, no doubt.

i freaked myself out a little today before i went bowling.

i was nervous bellied, and spent my entire day in pajamas, in bed. i didn't get up and brush my teeth/neti/shower until 5pm. it was amazing. i haven't had a pajama day that i can remember since well before i left the apartment. like a month and half or two?

so i felt i deserved it.

and i only got up to go bowling. but with the onslaught of hormones yesterday, i woke up this morning feeling pretty awful. i got out of the shower and dressed, and put on a pair of jeans that were snug just a month ago.

and i really needed a belt.

and i'm three pounds over my scary skinny weight from summer. i don't want to be. i want three pounds over that, and leveled off.

and it's the time when i should be about five pounds over that, from eating everything in sight during pms week.

and i stared at myself in the mirror. and i see a lot of ribs. and those collarbones. and my beer gut has completely disappeared. i shouldn't be complaining. it makes me feel like a bit of an asshole.

i should feel grateful and pleased. but instead, i freaked out a little. because i don't want to not be able to eat. i had a few days there, where i had more than one meal when i was hungry. i ate every time i was hungry. but that thing keeps happening where my nerves take over. and two bites in, i feel pukey and force myself to keep eating, but barely.

it's bothering me. i just want to level off. and i'm not. and what's more, i'm living on carbs. it's not healthy, but it's the sure way to put weight on. and it's not even working.

don't hate me for bitching. i know that 99.9% of people bitch about feeling fat. shit, i do it about 75% of the year. but not right now.

stupid boys. making me think. making me nervous. making me worry. making me sweat. one, literally. the rest figuratively.

maybe it's the exercise's fault. i've been biking from the house, which is twice as far as apartment was. i've been having SEX. caloric reduction. energy output skyrockets. scary skinny tea.

tomorrow is brunch with matthew and kit. i'm excited for them to meet and make each other laugh. because they will. and i told her today, he's nothing like chalk, so she won't hate him. or be annoyed by him.

at least, i don't think she will. i suppose it is possible. but he's kinda like a boy version of me mixed with bryan, so she should love him.

alot didn't write me back about whether we're meeting up monday or tuesday. joey never sent that factoid tidbit i asked for. and sam never called.

it's all okay.

because last night was really not okay.

the fallout from joey bailing on me after the craziest high day i've felt in what seems like forever was ALMOST something to send me into a tailspin.

fucking thankfully nina pulled me out of it. bailed me out of it? took the wheel? pulled back on the throttle. pulled me out of a nosedive, just as i was about to land belly first in a fiery crash, in an ocean strewn with boys.

i almost made some mistakes last night. i almost started going through the boys, to see who might want last minute friday night plans with me, since joey had stood me up. not really. i guess i'm still feeling sorry for myself. more accurately, since joey rescheduled to a time when he has more time, more energy, more brain power to devote to fluff like hanging out with me. sweet gesture. but i still wallowed.

i also almost went for a drive, an hour after taking one ativan and a beer to try to nap. not the state i should be in for a long drive. especially not after getting lost last weekend.

i almost did both of those things. and believe me when i say that there was a whole list of other stuff to do as well.

none of it involved sitting home. none of it involved sitting home ALONE.

none of it involved writing about how it all made me feel, thinking about it, and what i wanted to do about it.

it just made me want to run away with a boy and not think about the one i wasn't running away with.

and nina told me to stay home. nina told me to look at what i was saying to her, explaining what i wanted to do. and nina said, 'see what you just said there? THAT is why you need to stay home.'

i'm so glad she was home and available to help me. she kept me from making mistakes of all shapes and sizes, with names like matthew and sam and alot and dulled down road trip.

and i guess the shocker of it was, just how close i was to falling right back into step with a path i walked from 16 to 25. the one where i get so so sad. and feel so super defeated, that i just can't think outside of the next few hours alone.

but she did save me. and it's okay that i almost did it. because that has to happen. i didn't do it. it ended well, even if i took the most indirect path to get there.

it's 414. i'm toasted. if i was tipsy, it would be so much easier. but this will do.

early brunch tomorrow. it will be super fun. as long as no one else bails on me.