a dozen eggs. july 6th.

so there should be a roommate update post.

i showed the house to another person yesterday, a friend of a friend of a friend. and he was cool enough. he wouldn't be a bad choice. and realtor texted me that she knows someone else. and i just remembered that there is another email i got, that i need to respond to, from one of my customers at suck store. a friend of her daughter's, who is artsy and creative, that she thinks would get along well in the house.

and i grew a pair yesterday, and texted shaun about when he's coming to get his stuff, because he never bothered to respond to my text on sunday. i had prompted him to come by before garbage day, to get all of his trash out, along with everything else.

after the texting war where he mis-spouted pennsylvania renter's rights and eviction law at me, and the ten text response i sent back that shut him the fuck up, he had sent nothing. so last night, at around 6, i asked what time he would be by for garbage night. and because he's retarded, he said he didn't know how to take that.

so i asked when he's getting his stuff out, and asked if he expected me to take all of his trash out.

he was pissed, i know, but so was i. and said he'd be by after work. he showed up around 10 and was still there at 11.

but all of his trash went out. and i didn't have to touch it. if he hadn't been such a douche, and had put it in the kitchen, he could have saved himself a lot of trouble. but he didn't. so suck it, shaun. and clean up after yourself.

i am wiped out today. i really didn't want to get up this morning. i was awake last night anyway, but having to be awake to lock the door behind shaun and in case he needed to say something to me meant that i went to sleep a couple hours later than i had intended to.

the texting war with shaun the other day was epic. there was so much i wanted to say to him, because he really struck a nerve with me, but in an effort to keep the drama out of it, and hopefully get at least a little money from him, i didn't say anything i wanted to.

he was basically saying that our oral month to month lease was breached when i didn't give him fifteen days' notice before evicting him, that in pennsylvania, sheriff's sales happen all the time, and that he is allowed to deduct the money i'd make from selling the contents of his room. and that i had better not play hardball with him, because i'm not going to get what i want.

that i called him a liar and insulted him. that he's gone through enough and doesn't need my egotism. what the shit? and that if i go through something like this, he hopes i'm treated with more compassion and humanity.

MENACE. is he on crack?

i was so pissed at the whole thing, i had to slow myself down with aubree and work on a response together with her.

and explain the law he was misquoting, saying eviction starts on the 5th day of non-payment, and that i didn't want to drag him through that legal process. that the reason i waited so long was because he kept telling me he was getting money, and that i didn't want to kick him out. that i didn't 'evict' him (i was super careful to never use that word), and that i didn't call him a liar. but did say i can't believe him, and quoted back all the lies he told me about where and when i'd get money. and said if any of it was true, i'd have my money and he'd still be living there. saying that i'm treating him inhumanely is off point (which is a very nice way to put it - not at ALL what i wanted to say to him). and that if i ever go through what he's going through, that i hope a total stranger lets me stay in their house without paying a penny for a whole month.

what a fucking ASSHOLE.

that shut him up. and when i let him in last night, i said hi and said, 'so you're going to have everything out by thursday.'

i didn't really say it like a question. more like i was telling him. and he said yes, and that he'll call a charity to come pick up the furniture.


fucking a.

thursday night? party for him being out of my life.

i can't believe that i will never get that money. it's so unfair to be shorted $770. and to think about what i would do with that money makes me feel sick. maybe he'll surprise me. who knows? i am overusing the phrase (and have been for what seems like forever), but... i'm not holding my breath.

and yesterday, sometime around noon, i realized that i had just seen quinn for the last time. which is AMAZING. because i'm at suck store the rest of this week, and on vacation next week, i will not see her at work again.

how can i be so lucky?

once i realized that yesterday, my entire outlook changed. i was happy. i felt free. and yeah, she can still attempt to wreck some shit, but if she doesn't? the best thing to happen to this point in my summer: never having to see that horse again.

yesterday, i was done with work at 1. i had to drive all the way home from north phila in dead stopped traffic. once i got home, i did a little more work. and at around 3, i went up on my roof. and i stretched out in the kiddie pool. and flipped myself over dutifully, even coating my skin in a new layer of brown. it was amazing. i was mostly relaxed, except for all the thinking about that guy. i was happy to be up there. and i was there for over an hour before i grabbed a beer. had one, came in maybe two hours after i started. it was fantastic. i couldn't believe it was a weekday.

and then i went inside, and prepped dinner.

mom and dad surprised me with a grill on the 4th of july. aubree and i were going shopping for a few things, and they'd instructed her to use their credit card to pay for a grill. i didn't figure it out until we were almost to the store. she was talking to dad, and she gave me this look, and i realized what they were doing.

i'm not going to lie. i'm so excited about it. i almost had myself convinced that it would be worth it to just buy the thing. it's a big weber, and it has been on sale for a week now, for $90. i didn't want to spend my nina-vacation money on it. but really have been wanting a grill for a solid month now, and wanting to grill everything i eat for about a week.

so we got the thing, brought it home, and set it up on the 4th. but we had leftovers for lunch that day, and it ended up being late, and we were still full, so we didn't even use it on the 4th, which was the plan.

instead, we used it last night. i got all the trash out for garbage day. i picked up the house a little, nothing crazy. and then wrapped ears of corn in foil, and sliced up onions for a foil pouch of buttery goodness. and seasoned up the burgers and put a couple hot dogs on the plate for good measure.

it was quite the feast. and when we'd eaten all of that, i'd also set up s'mores. so once we'd crammed down the dinner, we had dessert. it was amazing.

i don't really know what else to write about. i had a lot of time in paper journal yesterday, thinking about what to say and do when i find myself sitting across from a certain someone. talking myself down, yet again.

it got to me last night. the last time i saw him, i think the reason it is imprinted as so rough in my brain is because he was physically distant. all i can do is dissect everything. and reassemble it in my head, and stare at it, trying to figure out what is missing, what's in the wrong place, why there are extra parts that don't fit, and missing pieces that the keep the whole thing from working.

all the metaphors - there are so many - are practically explaining themselves. the fishing one is the best so far, and i didn't even think of it.

one that keeps coming up, when i talk to nina about the situation, is the one about eggs and baskets.

and i've given it a lot of thought, and i think i know what happened.

i am so fluent in putting eggs in the wrong basket. particularly, ALL of the eggs in the wrong basket. i have done it my entire life, because i've always loved and learned wholeheartedly (and consequently - brokenheartedly).

and because i'm so aware of it, i'm actually very careful with my dozen eggs now. much more careful than i was before. i've spent the better part of the last year protecting these eggs, and not giving a single one away.

but when i met him, i was only a little skeptical. and felt it out, and i think i can say that i put a quarter of my eggs in that basket, within a week of talking to him. caution to the wind style.

and fuck me... when i met him? i think i handed over like half a dozen more. maybe more.

maybe all but one.

maybe eleven. fitting.

it wasn't all my fault. it's like he was telling me how safe the basket was, how it was lined to prevent breakage. how he really liked having the eggs in the basket.

but now, it's like i just watched him trip and fall. dropping the basket and nearly all of my eggs. breaking almost every last one of them.

and looking down in my hand? i've got like ONE left. and the basket now is all covered in yolk, not exactly speaking to the safety of the basket.

and it's going to start to stink soon.

i think that, after the coffee thing, i felt like my dozen was permanently half. i didn't feel like i had so many eggs to give away.

and finding someone again, who is so much better suited for me than he ever was? it was like being handed a replacement dozen to do with as i see fit.

and now, not even two months later? i realize that i have pretty much wasted the gift of replacement eggs that i was given.

and i didn't even realize it, until all were broken except for this last one.

i've got one good egg. and at least now i can see the basket for what it is. i'm holding onto this one. it's all i've got left. and i cannot give it away.

that was horribly cheesy.

sorry about that. i just keep thinking about how the shit all my eggs got into that basket so quickly, and how fragile a thing it is. and i can't help but wonder if i tripped him, or if he just stumbled on his own.

i can't tell yet if i'm kidding myself, or if i actually mean it. but i keep thinking that i'm not settling for him. that i'm not compromising, like kit is afraid i am. i keep thinking that i'm just trying to be patient and ease into this. i keep thinking that i'm just creating a little space with him, so maybe it doesn't hurt as bad.

i wrote before about the height i feel like i'm falling from.

but i think that this is the more important aspect: the difference between gaining faith in something i'd previously lost faith in, and now losing faith in it again, after believing momentarily? that might be the hardest part still.

what does it say about me that my faith is so easily shaken?

what does it say that i am so easily persuaded to have faith in something blindly? or glimpsing-ly is maybe the better word. after no time, either! i mean, i guess that's why, when it does ultimately work, it's okay that it's an instantaneous feeling.

and i want to believe that i have been skeptical enough to not just throw myself at the first thing that looks like something, to see if i stick to it. i want to use that little pile of boys i dated and fucked as some kind of a litmus test. like, 'see? i don't just fall for anyone. this is DIFFERENT.'

but is it? it doesn't feel like it, that's for sure.

shrink will have a field day with me, when nina leaves and i go back for my next visit.

i've become quite awesome at beating myself up. and have perfected the art of second guessing every thought i have.

i remember a time when i used to wish to be hypnotized to be in love with my husband.

you know what i wish for now? to just stop thinking. not in general. it would be a very specific hypnosis. completely boy-centered. just eliminate everything that makes me a headcase when it comes to relationships. either feel and enjoy, or don't. actually, no. just physically enjoy. nothing about feelings, please. all that thinking? overthinking? questioning? doubting?

fuck. that. noise.

i'm over it. i'm sick of reading what i write. i'm sick of writing it.

it's tired. if i was able to think clearly right now? i'd probably stop writing altogether for a while. wait to see what happens next, see what there is to say in a few weeks. because in the meantime, it feels like recycling.

i'm over it. same story in paper journal, too. same old shit. just a different date at the top of the page. and i think the number of written and unsent emails and letters is now approaching seven. which doesn't even include the one i'm tempted to write, right now...

independence day 2011. july 4th.

within an hour of posting yesterday, i was in the kiddie pool on the roof. nina texted me, and i responded with a line about realizing that greg isn't boyfriend material right now.

it's a funny thing to realize at this point in the game. i mean, with joey, i knew the second i walked into his apartment. and with matthew, i knew that he'd be a good boyfriend, just not for me.

but it's a little unfair to think that he was for that first month, and to only realize now that he's not. it's not about loyalties. or compatibility. it's not about monogamy. it's about making time for me. he is just not going to do it. and for me to have a boyfriend? that is a necessity.

i'm choosing to believe that, if he was going to make time for someone, that it would be me. but he's not going to make time for anyone in a relationship sense. and that is the difference - this isn't going to be a relationship. it's just dating. it's a major bummer to realize that matthew made more time for me than greg is, and i'm so much more into greg.

what's okay about it is realizing that i don't need to be with anyone else instead, or be looking for someone else instead, though i'll be honest: i've been staring down the link to dating site on my toolbar. part of me wants the fun and excitement in my life.

i'm afraid of meeting someone else now. because this heartache is bad enough. and the fun is flirting with the line of not being worth it.

i think this is about a long term investment. or most likely, just longer term than this summer. i'm not ready to give up on him, even though i see a lot more heartbreak in my future. i'm really not happy about not being a priority, much less a top five priority with him. but i've accepted that this is how it's going to be for a while, if i decide to stay in this thing with him that lacks a title.

i don't know how i will handle the inequity. i don't know if i can. but i think i have enough information now to know that i'm not going to get top dollar right now, for my investment, and that i don't need to spend days and nights crying over the time i've lost to this point, much less the time i'm going to continue to lose, because i can't shake it off.

and i don't know if i can wait to cash in my stock. i know i need to wait the market out. and see what happens next, before realizing that i'm at the bottom and need to sell before i lose more ground. which could very well be where i'm headed.

i think that, out of the conversation, what i held onto the most was the next to last thing he said, 'i like you a lot, tea.'

and right after he hung up with me, instead of sending the email that i told him meant a lot to me, to get from him, he sent a link to an r.e.m. live performance of 'nightswimming', because i told him i want nightswimming right now. and michael stipe happens to be wearing a tee shirt in the video that says emotionally unavailable. i wonder if he noticed.

i also held onto the part where we were talking about golfing, when i said i really want to go because i've never been, and he said that we'd do that, because he loves golf and thinks we should go together. that he's into the fact that i'm into it.

and the part where he had me read the lottery numbers for him, while he checked his twenty tickets, and said, 'if i win, we'll join a country club. i can golf, and you can play tennis, or whatever you're into.'

it's those lines that get me.

i try to forget the part where i know he's around today, and that if he wanted to spend time with me, he'd ask. i said more than once, 'if you are back, and you have some time, let me know.'

that's the thing. let's have lunch. invite me over for ONE BEER. i don't need an overnight. i don't need an all day affair. i just want to see his face. and makeout. goddammit.

thinking he was perfect for me is a terrible height to fall from. realizing that he's not is a hard pill to swallow. and thinking that he could be, further down the line, when his time isn't so limited that he won't allocate some to me, is where i am now.

i wonder if the feelings will die out before i expect them to. i have a big head start, because of all the anger and sadness i've been channeling over him the past month. it will make it easier to cut him loose, if that is what i end up deciding to do.

independence day? i don't know about that. i feel like it's codependence day.

aubree had to remind me where i was and what i was doing last year.

a year ago today, she told mom about her girlfriend. a year ago today, i cried my eyes out when they had a breakup discussion in front of me, because of the way my mother treated her girl.

a year ago today, kit was in florida with me, and we went to my cousin's house to have a day of fun and sun and awesome pooltime and jetskis and beer and grilled awesomeness, before she flew back to phila.

it seems like an eternity ago.

last summer was so incredible. there were definitely some coffee-tinged dark spots, but a month ago, i thought this summer would top that one, because i'd fallen so hard for greg, and things seemed like they would never be bad.

and if i don't change my attitude soon, i'm going to blow the chance of that being a possibility.

i want things to turn around. i NEED things to turn around. and the only way that can happen is if i decide to make my own good time (thanks, nina) and get over not getting what i want.

this month will be a good one, i know. with things at work changing, and a week of vacation in a week, and two weeks of vacation once the month is over, it will be awesome. it's about to get better, i know.

i can't wait to have nina here, and today, i really kinda can't wait to go home in a month. i wish i was there now, hanging out in mom's kitchen, and being by the pool with family. celebrating independence without feeling independent.

but i am not. i am here. and it's time to act like it.

it makes me laugh at myself a little when i give myself these pep talks. because i can fake it long enough to talk to myself like that. but when it comes down to it? i'll be bummed out again in a few minutes.

the trick is to make the stretches of minutes where i'm tough get longer, slowly.

aubree and i are heading out on bikes to see what the city of independence has in store for us today. free things. a million people in the streets. it will be a good distraction for both of us.

i'm back to being all about distractions... so i don't have time to think about the stuff that is consuming my feeble little brain.

the talk. july 2nd.

yesterday was the kickoff to the holiday weekend, and i knew that i was going to be walking a fine line between enjoying my day and hating my day.

what was awful was waking up at 6 in a panic, after nightmares about greg. i had myself totally convinced that something had to be very wrong. and my crazy headspace had me convinced that he either wouldn't ever talk to me again (thinking he knew things i'd written on here, without having talked to me, and that he was done), or what i was completely convinced of... that something terrible had happened to him.

and when i woke up, i was just as convinced that something was horribly wrong. i hadn't heard from him since wednesday afternoon, when he said he didn't forget me and that he would send the email he wrote when he got back to the hotel. only he didn't. and when i beaconed out, i got nothing back. no text. no answered call.

and because i couldn't believe that he would just NOT respond to me, surely he must be in a hospital or in an accident or dead.

but no. he wasn't. he'd posted something on facebook after midnight, saying he'd bought a new car after hours at a dealership, after work.

my relief was huge.

but emotionally, i was heartbroken.

and after typing congratulations and erasing it six times, i finally posted it. and when he responded to all the comments around 10, saying that he was there when i called and that he'd call me in a bit, i finally felt better.

and carried my phone around everywhere i went all day. waiting.

aubree and i decided to set up the kiddie pool for a day of fun in the sun on the roof. but because she's more responsible than i am, despite the eleven years younger than me she is, she said we had to fix the window before we could fix the pool.

so we took a trip to home depot, and after a frustrating call to dad for advice, came back with the supplies i thought we'd need. and wouldn't you know? i thought of it all!

we put four hinges on one side of the window, and a sliding lock on the other to secure it. doing that meant buying a wood chisel set, and carving out flat spaces in the trim, which i could handle. it took an hour.

i'd never chiseled wood before, but after the first space was carved, the rest moved very quickly. and aubree is the power tool genuis, so she drilled pilot holes and secured screws, while i contortedly held everything in place.

and once that was done, we had to dig out all the nails that had been holding the window in place the whole time, and went about setting up the pool.

i didn't skimp on the kiddie pool. i got an eight footer. i could probably fit three other people in the thing with me. it's pretty awesome. it was hot and after the work of getting the window fixed, we cracked beers and sat in the pool through several inches of filling it with water.

i was drunk by three.

it was around 4 when i started getting angry. what exactly constitutes a bit? and i texted him, 'you're killin' me smalls', a quote from the sandlot that we both overuse, but had never used against each other.

and nothing.

and we didn't get any sun, really, which was our goal. it took so long to set up that we only hung out for about an hour before kim and pam showed up.

we moved the party inside and i went (drunk) to get food for all of us. which took what felt like forever, maybe 20 minutes. came back and ate, telling stories. and i started to feel sick. sick because of the food, sick over greg, and just sick of everything.

i excused myself to lay down for a bit, with my phone in hand. nothing.

got up when i felt a little better, and talked some more.

excused myself again when i knew i was going to cry. and i spent probably 45 minutes in my room alone, crying my eyes out. having this imaginary conversation with him where i basically broke it off.

and got up because i knew if i spent any more time in bed, i'd not stop crying. came outside to write an email i didn't know if i'd ever send. and aubree came out to check on me. i knew i looked awful, from all the crying, and said, 'i can't stop crying. i'm sorry. i don't want you to see me like this.'

and she talked to me for a bit, before i told her to go back inside with the girls, so i could sit and write and be alone. i did stop crying, which was a relief. didn't really finish the email, but got sick of writing it, and went back in to join the girls again.

i think that he finally called me at around 930, maybe 10 last night.

after an afternoon that moodily alternated between laughing our asses off with kim and pam, who came over to hang out and celebrate quinn being on her way out and to play wii with aubree, i was emotionally exhausted. and knowing what i had to say to him, when my phone finally rang, and i answered it, i didn't bother to hide how i was feeling. and said hi, sounding less than happy to hear from him.

i knew the conversation would be weird, and when he asked how i was, i don't remember the word i used, but dodged it, and intentionally shifted the conversation to him because i didn't just want to attack him right off the bat. i asked where he was and what he was up to.

things were worse in my mind when i thought that he was here, at his house. what's funny is that, when he said he was at the beach house, that almost made me feel better.

it's like i forgot that all last week, all i wanted was for him to ask me to go with him. but he was talking about why he was there, and telling me about cleaning the house with his parents, between renters. so i knew why he didn't ask me. he also said that he hates the holidays down there, and just wants to go when the holidays are over to hang out and enjoy it.

i listened to him for a while, and then he asked me a question, maybe how i was doing or how my week was or something. and i took a breath, and started talking.

i said that i was sorry. that i was at a bit of a loss for words. i literally was. i was trying to keep my voice even, and find the words i should really have practiced.

i said that i really wanted to talk to him in person, but that, because i don't know when i'll see him next, that i had to say something things to him on the phone, and that i was sorry if it was weird for him.

i said that the last two weeks have been an intense struggle for me. that not being able to see him has been really hard on me. and he said he knew and that he was sorry.

i said that not getting the email he'd promised was really disappointing. and he fumbled for words, i could hear him thinking. he didn't realize that he hadn't sent it to me. he really thought he had. and said that he knew he'd copied it and pasted it, and i said that i hoped he hadn't sent it to someone else. and he made a joke about 'sorry, mom...'

and i asked him if he'd please send it. that i really needed it, and that not getting it had been a bummer, and said more than once that it would mean a lot to me. so he said he would.

and i explained the text and call to him. how worried i was, and that i'd been having panic attacks for about two weeks now, waking up having them. and that he got lumped into what i was worried about on thursday. and that when i texted him and he didn't get back to me, that i worried more. and that, when i called him, and he didn't answer, it was worse still.

and he apologized for that, too. he said he knows that feeling, and that he was sorry that he'd been in the middle of the car deal when i called. and that he wanted to take my call, but couldn't. and that he got stuck there later than he thought he would be, and didn't call me after that.

and i said, 'you know, that was the first time i'd ever called you.'

and he said he realized that, when his phone rang, and he didn't answer. that he wanted to, but felt like he couldn't. and he said that he didn't like that i don't ever call him. that i should call him, because it makes him feel a little weird that he is always the one calling me.

so i said that i'd call him, but that i'm always afraid i'm going to interrupt something.

i don't know. most of me felt better about it, after he explained not taking the call. and he apologized so many times, saying he understood the worrying, that he gets like that sometimes, and that he didn't mean to make it worse.

and i think that was the point, after a lot of apologizing on his part, that i said, 'you don't owe me anything, greg. it's not for you to be sorry about. you don't have to apologize.'

he spent a lot of time after the heavier bits of the conversation, explaining about work, and how he doesn't know what he's doing most of the time, that he just keeps going where he is supposed to be, without knowing how long he's going to be there. and that he doesn't want to tell me the wrong thing, so he doesn't make plans. that he wants to see me, but that things are just super crazy for him right now.

and all i can say to that is, 'i know. you were very upfront about it before i ever even met you. but it's still really hard. i only got to see you once in june, and it was made worse by the fact that everything else in my life was sucking for the entire month, too.'

and we talked about that a little, he said he gets like that sometimes, too.

i knew all of this already. hearing him tell me again somehow reassured me a little.

and from there, i said that if the one time i'd seen him had been awesome, that it would help to have that as my go-to. but that, because it wasn't good, thinking about that after weeks of not seeing him was rough.

and he said he understood that, too. and i think that was when he started making plans with me. he said that he's going back out of town on tuesday, that he's actually leaving monday night to go back to the hotel, because he has to be there at 8 on tuesday.

and i asked him if he knew when he was coming back from the beach. he didn't. and i said that, if he ended up coming back early, would he call me. and he said he would, but that he didn't think he'd be back in time to hang out this weekend. and worst case scenario, would hang out with me as soon as he got back from his business trip the end of this week.

and also said that things should start to be better for him soon, as far as having more time. that next weekend, he only has a phils game, would i have time over the weekend. funny thing is, i have three weeks of vacation, two of which are in florida. i'm guessing that's when he would make time for me.

it sucks to say to him, 'yeah. i always have time. i have nothing going on until nina gets here.'

i know that most of this problem is my own. if i had money and so many things to keep me busy, he wouldn't feel so absent. i'd be as busy as him, trying to squeeze him into my schedule.

just like i knew that this was coming. i guess the part of the conversation that i didn't have with him is that i like hearing things he says, or better yet, reading things he writes, that make me feel like he wants me when he is away.

after an hour of talking, first about his stuff, then about my issues with him, and then switching back to normal talk, the back and forth of tangents, i told him i was going to go. and said, 'will you give me a call in the next couple days if you find some time?'

and he actually got really weird about it. upset, almost. he said, 'hey. don't say it like that, it's not like that.'

and i said i didn't mean anything by it, but that i would like to hear from him if he has time.

and then said, 'now things are all weird. i don't want to hang up with things all weird with you. it won't help how i'm feeling. bring it back, greg. fix it.'

and so we talked for a minute about other stuff, i guess. and then another whole hour had passed, talking. and when i was hanging up for the second time, when aubree got back from taking the girls home, he said,

'i really like you, tea. i'm sorry that things are so crazy right now. i want to see you. i'll see you soon, okay?'

and i said that i like him, too. and that is what makes this so hard.

i told him in that second hour that i feel like we're one good hangout from being back to how things were, where all the time i can't see him feels worth it to have the time with him. and he agreed.

i don't know. i was able to sleep. we spent plenty of time talking about things and making each other laugh. and so i was less worried about everything when i got off the phone with him, even though we didn't talk about some of the things i know i need to talk about with him. i just want to do it in person.

and knowing that it will be a total of three weeks before i get to, from the last time i saw him, somehow feels less sad today.

i think this week will be different. i think that if i start to trip out, i'll call him or text him and ask for conversation. and that, if i can't get it, or he doesn't respond the way i need him to, that i'll have my answer, i guess.

i want him to be sensitive to it and aware of it, and i want to see if he makes himself a little more available to me. if he can spend a little time, while watching tv or whatever it is that he does in his hotel room, writing to me and making me feel like he is still interested with his actions.

i did also mention at some point that i just psyched myself out, and, combined with the hormones from nuvaring, that it was too hard to not hear from him, not get anything from him. and that i don't want to psych myself out. and he apologized about that, too. saying he knew what i was talking about. and commented that the hormones were fucking with me, too.

i hope it feels better. and i hope that when thursday or friday rolls around, that he didn't forget me. that he didn't forget telling me i'd see him.

i hope he does make some time for me.

and i hope that i can come down off of the hormones in the next month, and have some good times with him. whether it's on the phone, or at least a little more often than last month. and honestly, part of me doesn't want to have to settle for casually dating him, but part of me hopes that i can recover some of that confidence i had before, where i knew he wanted me. where he fed me enough to keep me plugged in an happy, even though he wasn't making time for me then, either.

some of the good feelings came back last night, which i needed. i hadn't had any of those for him in over a week. those are the times when it feels not worth it to me. when i can't think a happy thought about him, can't remember a good time with him. and lose faith that we'll ever make more to get me through the times when he's away.

this is what it will be to try to be with him. and it won't be until late fall that he has so much extra time that he can write me and see me as much as i want him to. well, i tell myself that.

i know that, until i go home, he'll be out of town the majority of the time. and i'm just going to have to get over it.

and hope that the hormones i'm not putting into my body allow me to be okay with it. that i can figure out how to balance everything, and not get freaked out and cry for hours and days every week.

and i know that i said some difficult things to him, that i did it on the phone even though i didn't want to have to. so i hope that i can keep doing that, if things don't change. that i can stand my ground with him, so i don't lose ground. so i don't lose him. and myself in the process.

it's another day poolside for aubree and i. it's a little overcast, kindof humid, a little breezy. and with nothing to do but lay in the sun and kill a holiday weekend, i hope we can both enjoy ourselves enough to not be sad about the long weekend come tuesday when the work week starts back up again.

here's to independence...