liberation day. may 26th.

post number four hundred and twenty. unbelievable...

today brought only one crying bit. listening to ben harper, in the car.

the thing is, i talked to nina about the question i posed her.

and just like i am trained very well in my own inner workings, she is more well versed than any other human on this planet in what i do, and how i do it. she knows my heart better than anyone else. she knows the way my brain works.

she has seen me break my own heart more times than i have fingers and toes.

so she is my thermostat. she is my gauge. and when i know that i am getting into the deep end of a pool, she is my lifeguard, waiting and ready to throw a life preserver to me when i can't seem to find my way up for air. when i am drowning. when i need help and can no longer find the strength to help myself.

and alice... if you are reading this... do not breathe a word of it, please...

a few things were tossed my way today. after my talk with nina, where she had to say some things that i didn't want to hear, but took with an open mind and open ears, i listened. and she did sort me out, in a way.

i wanted to surprise greg with lunch today. i had a rough night last night, for a few hours, because i had really hoped that he would want to come by after work, even if it was only for dinner or a quick visit.

i had no reason at all to think that he would want to do that. he said nothing about it, except a mention earlier in the week that he would like to have dinner one night, because sunday was too far away.

and because i am quickly learning all of his extracurriculars, i was mostly certain that last night would have been the only chance we had to make that happen.

so when he didn't write or text or call, my hopes were dashed.

and i found myself sitting, waiting, yet again, for a boy. a boy that i really wanted to see. who had said a lot that he really wanted to see me, too. and i did what i do in these instances: i caught my tan, shaved, showered, lotioned up, and put on a dress.

i was ready, in case he should happen to come through.

and i sat on the deck, lost in my daze, and waited, trying so hard not to be waiting. not to be hoping.

and i didn't cry, which was an improvement, because old tea would have lost her shit.

because i knew that, if he could have, he would have. but he didn't.

and when he got home, he sent a note that said he was too tired to be any good at conversation, but that he was sorry and would call and email me today.

and that did make it better. and i settled in to watch the office, which i'd fallen behind on.

and two episodes in, saw the single saddest office episode i have ever seen in my six or seven years of watching the office.

when jim realized that michael was leaving, i cried. and when jim called him into his office, i fucking lost it. and when jim cried? i was crying so hard it was audible.

and when michael cried, i cried harder. and when pam showed up, i cried harder still.

i love that shows like that can have an effect on me. i've watched the show and own five seasons on dvd. it is probably my favorite, based on that alone.

and it ripped my fucking heart out.

and luckily i watched another episode after that, one that was light and hilarious and amazing. because it was looking pretty rough there for a minute...

but i got that huge cry out of the way. which is all i feel like i am doing anymore. but it was a different sentiment then. a sad cry. a heartbroken cry. it was my vessel for what i'd just been feeling and getting over for a few hours.

so today, when nina called, noticing my old habits, and telling me to be cautious still, only for the lack of a read of him, i got it. i knew it. i checked in with her specifically for it.

it was awesome. it took me down a notch, which i needed.

i'd just left the dmv. i'd just gotten my new license. not a big deal for many people.

but for me? it meant that i was back to my maiden name. i'd finally made the time to get the id that makes me officially who i have been since february. i wish i'd done it before, but i just couldn't. i wouldn't. maybe it was honestly because i wasn't ready to. because of what it all meant. maybe i thought i couldn't handle it. maybe i don't want to have to practice my new old signature. one that i haven't signed since 2003.

i don't know why. but i finally did it. and i was on top of the world when i talked to her.

and then i got to work. and i screwed myself out of the possibility of a lunch by misreading the time of the meeting i had scheduled for today, my only time constrained work responsibility before i have a five day weekend, coffee free.

and i got to work, thinking about what nina had said, but still having all the same thoughts and feelings anyway. knowing that the bits that are missing from what she knows are the ones that are making me feel this way, but not being able to express them really. and that being so afraid for myself, i took her advice. and tried to slow my brain down.

but when i got there, i sent him the email i'd written last night. and after i sent it, i checked my email to find that he'd sent one to me at the same time.

and among other things, this is what he said to me...

that he noticed last night that we look really good together, in the three pictures i took of us last weekend. natural.

that he can't wait to see me sunday. that's it's weird to see someone one time and immediately miss them.

that he was busy but wanted to get something to me. not because he has to, but because he wanted to.

and that he feels like he is just killing time until sunday. because his plans until then are awesome, but lower in excitement.

and that it was 11, and if no one had told me yet today that i was awesome, and if they hadn't there's something wrong with the world. and if they have? i should hear it again.

THIS is the boy i have fallen for.

and i left from there to cut all of my hair off. it was the way i started my best summer of my life so far. dumping my high school into college boyfriend, and learning who i was. the summer nina and i were attached at the hip. the summer i was the happiest and free-est i had ever been. the summer i met coffee. the summer that changed the course of the rest of my life.

shedding that last name made the haircut happening today mandatory. i'd wanted to get it last weekend. and found the picture i wanted to use to express what i wanted. and was supposed to call on monday for tuesday, and tuesday for tuesday. and tuesday for wednesday. but didn't.

and how retardedly excited was i when i had a couple hours to kill on campus, and the hair school had an opening for me? and how scared was i walking there, shaking with anxiety about chopping it off? how funny is it that i had a panic attack proper, and popped an ativan in the waiting area?

pretty excited. pretty scared. pretty funny.

but i did it. and kept the hair for a charity to be determined.

and as she cut it from that point, i was scared. i have had so many bad haircuts that just won't do what i want them to do. i was terrified that it would be bad, that the only boy i want to have like it wouldn't. and that it would be some sort of a weekend where i come to terms with wearing a hat for a few months.

but the shins came on in the waiting room. new slang. and goddamn if i didn't know that it was supposed to happen today. that time. this way. right now.

and when i left? i felt like a million bucks. i was covered in hair. and i swear they never style it right. but i walked back to work knowing i'd fix it in the bathroom and be really happy with it.

and i did. and i was.

and i got back to work, and re-read his email with pam and kim. saying, 'see? SEE?' this is the boy i am in love with.

that was the first time i said it. i might have been high on salon fumes. in fact, i'm certain i was or i wouldn't have said it then. even though i've been thinking it since sunday when he left my room.

and nina stopped to tell me that i was right about my feelings for this boy. and that i should take him lunch. but it was already too late, my day had been ruined by that stupid waste of a meeting.

and i wrote him back.

and when i got home and showered and cleaned myself up, i took a bunch of pictures of my new haircut. and i texted him to ask if he wanted to see, so i didn't scare him or shock him on sunday.

and he said, 'yes!!!'

and i sent it. and waiting. and got nervous and waited.

and his response was that it was adorable. and that he wanted to make out with me right then.

too bad he was working, and a state away. but he said he absolutely loves it and that i pull it off.

and since i posted it, about fifteen other people have commented similarly. it goes back to my man complex. i'm so afraid of short hair equating butch and boy that it scares me every time.

so i did what i do: put on makeup, put on a dress, and lip stain. and practiced rocking it.

and we talked for two hours. and when we hung up, he texted me to say that he has a huge crush on me. and that someone has fallen quite hard for me.

while i was at the grocery store. buying camping supplies.

the next couple posts will be about dark sky park, part three. i can't wait to be there tomorrow, even though it's supposed to be a washout.

had we gone tonight, as planned, we'd have been under tornado watches and hail. i'm glad that didn't work out. instead i'm here, writing this. unable to sleep at two am.

and when he said that, if we come back early, after camping in the rain and facing another washout, that i should just come over.

we'd have two full days of being alone together in his house. my brain and heart cannot comprehend that right now. but it is the only thing that isn't making me cry sad tears about the possibility that this will be a starless weekend after waiting a whole year to have stars in my eyes again.

i don't know. i can't explain it. which is mostly why it feels like it is exactly what it is.

i am in love. and i am assuming it will come up this weekend, because he's talked a complete circle all the way around it. and i'll try to move slowly. and take my time and not lose my head.

but my heart is too far gone now.

i cannot wait to have time with him, alone, out in the suburbs, where clothing is optional, and the plans are many. where we get to play house, and do things on our list, and lay around and talk. cook for each other, get sun on the deck together, and do yardwork. it sounds too good to be true.

i cannot say that i will try too hard to come up for air.

i really just don't even want to anymore...

we've got a girl down, ladies. and she doesn't want to be saved anymore.

going into this, i know my heart will get broken. and it's only because i can't see him as much as i want to. but all i can do is hope for the time that we get to be as amazing as the time that we have had so far.

more of that.

i just want a lot more of that.

and i'm setting off, off the grid, to find my way through the milky way to get back to it. full of stories and music and awesome time connecting with aubree, and reconnecting with kit. too much fun for one little weekend.

the next four days are going to break me clear in two.

and if you doubt this, in one of my i-probably-shouldn't-have-admitted-that-on-the-interwebs moments, i cleared my mind three times today, thinking about him. twice in one short hour. and i don't doubt that i'll do it twice more between now and tomorrow morning.

this is what i've been waiting for. the boy who has it all. and the one who will have more than 24 hours to try to break the seven year jinx.

i'm not coming home until he does.

i have a bag packed for that half of my weekend. and boy would it suck to have that bag found. someone would really wonder just what i was up to.

the bag for dark sky is equally awesome, but in a completely different way. i have three national geographic magazines i haven't cracked yet. a book i bought with nate weeks ago that i haven't opened yet. and my pens and sketchbook.

i'm grabbing a new paper journal tomorrow. because the old one is filled enough, and i am thinking that this is the exact moment in time to start on blank pages.

i have a lot to do between now and noon tomorrow. and i am wired awake. on like six different highs. falling from this height would probably kill me, and my parachute has been sitting so long unused that it's probably been eaten by moths.

with a flooded heart, and a swampy brain, i'm hoping for the best here.

crossing my heart like the good catholic i am not. saying a tiny prayer to a god i don't believe in.

just trying to land on the ground on my own two feet.

i'm a free woman.

i'm a new girl.

i am who i was. in every way.

i've waited a long time for this. for the boy. for the milky way. for andromeda. for SATURN.

i'm all packed up and ready, with only two things standing between me and what might possibly be the best weekend of my life to date. getting the deed transferred into my name first thing in the morning, and picking up my two hetero sweethearts after grabbing the last of the supplies on my way out of the big city.

to the hinterlands... and beyond!

overcorrecting. may 25th.

after three days straight of having random tearful weepy crying fits, i think i am starting to understand what is happening to me.

sometime between last night and this morning, it started to filter down, through all of these pools of emotion that i can't seem to think around. or breathe around. or just exist in, while attempting to tread.

after triple cryfest on monday, i drove home and got settled in there.

and i woke up tuesday morning, and drove in to work, making three wrong turns on the way to my store.

and i don't know what set me off, i think it was some nostalgic moment listening to that dog. or weezer or something, driving to delaware. but i was smiling, and singing at the top of my lungs, which is nothing new. but i was thinking about how fucking HAPPY i am, and how lucky i feel, and how i just can't believe that this is happening in my life, that it's happening right now, and how insane it is in every possible way.

i have literally been shaking my head for days. i'll get lost in thought, and come out of it because i was shaking my head about the things i've been thinking.

so there i was, driving and singing. and my phone dinged. and i looked down, and saw his name on the screen, and burst into tears, laugh crying again.

and thought, 'okay, tea. this is getting to be fucking RIDICULOUS. stop crying. there is NOTHING to cry about. pull it together.'

but thinking it made me cry some more. and it must have looked funny to anyone on the highway with me, because my smile was hurting my face, ear to ear. but my eyes were dropping so many tears. and i was driving, contemplating pulling over, because everything was blurry and seemed kindof dangerous.

so i drove to the office. after filling my trunk with beer and cigarettes. and went about my work for a few hours, actually. i emailed him back while we had simultaneous lunches. from what we'd talked about when we sat on the phone for THREE HOURS monday night, and then still had emails going back and forth that morning, he'd said something about wanting to do things with me. like, a nod in the direction of '...and then we'll do this together, and then we'll do that together...'

and i'd already thought it, but i really debated at that point in my drive: do i ask him to go on my west coast adventure with me? we have talked about it enough from afar. he is jealous and all of that of the trip. but holy shit, am i just doing what i do every fucking time? is he about to run away?

and i had belly flips and all of that. which is another part of what it is that is making me cry. but managed to eat lunch. and when i wrote him back, i felt good enough reading what he wrote that i went for it. and i prepped it as best i could, trying to make it sound like not a big deal. but i was scared. i was freaking out. and the only reason that i did it was because i wanted him to have a heads up, for work. it's going to be hard for him to get any time off at all i think, and if i have any hope of doing that trip with him, i wanted him to know that it was an inkling of a thought now.

i am so fucking conditioned. i'm TRAINED. i'm trained and condition to mention things to boys i am smitten with and fall on my face. or it falls flat. or they don't give a shit. or they run away. or they give me reasons why they don't want to be involved with any of it.

and not only is he excited when i say pretty much anything to him, he hits back harder. my feeble little brain cannot handle it, because it's 33 years of doing shit the hard way. of liking the wrong boys and making all the wrong moves and putting all my heart and effort and energy into the wrong thing. 33 years of giving my heart to maybe 20 boys who never deserved it.

and the closest thing i had to a feeling like this? it fucked me up for 13 years. i don't want another 'one that got away'. i don't want another 13 years of that kindof torment. heartache. pain. crying in the bad way. really feeling like i would never love again. like i never should. and building some crazy wall around myself so that i don't ever have to feel that way again.

so my brain kinda goes... 'oh. wait. what? does not compute. is accustomed to crying. cry. heartbreak? crying. rejection? wait. what? HAPPY? SMITTEN??? REQUITED????? does not compute.'

i am really trying to think about things objectively and i just CAN'T. and instead of being able to definitively say 'i have never been in love before', i really can't.

it's all perspective anyway, right? i mean, beating a dead horse. i thought i was in love with coffee. but it was not okay, it was not reciprocated, and i know how dumb it was, but he just had an effect on me. and i think i thought i was in love with the sun. but again, one way street. it just wasn't the real thing. and i certainly didn't feel like that toward ever.

the difference back then is that i forced fucking EVERYTHING with coffee. he'd say he liked something, mention it in passing, forget about it, and i'd show up the next day with that thing in my hands, as a gift for him. i'd jump through 18 hoops to make something happen, and wreck it, instead of just going with the flow and not doing anything irrational or radical. i instigated. every goddamned time.

and now that this thing is happening with greg, and playing out in a way that kinda looks like a tape in a vcr on 4xff, my short circuited brain can't understand that things just are. that they can just BE. that everything just is. it doesn't have to come up with all 17 ways to get through the 18 hoops. it doesn't have to figure out every possible outcome and every possible option to make something that has no business happening happen.

so i think it makes me cry.

yesterday, i got to work. and managed to get everything done before one of the people there asked what was new in my little dating world.

it's funny. sally and michelle love hearing my stories, they're older, and think it is so funny, the things i do and what i get into. so they were expecting some random dating stories, and when sally asked me how things have been the last few weeks, my face lit up. and michelle saw my smile and knew something was going on that wasn't what had been going on before this visit.

and she said, 'oh my god...' all drawn out and dramatic like.

and i said, 'i can't talk about it. because i don't want to cry.'

so then they made this little captive audience, bringing terry into the circle, who is the honey badger guy. and he was as giggly as they were, and michelle made a comment that they all live through me (two of them are married, one is widowed and just dumped her boyfriend).

and i said, 'i met someone.'

and my chin wobbled. and i said, 'i don't want to talk about it, because i get all choked up and have been crying about it for like two days now.'

and they gave me a hard time, like, you can't just say something like that and leave us hanging. and terry was going off about how cute it was that i was so emotional over it.

and when i said, 'i know it's crazy. but i met him. and i think he might be the reason i am here.'

and i fucking lost it. giggle crying, but crying. and they were all laughing and oh-my-god'ding it and saying how sweet and cute it is. and then saw the pic of us from the night we hung out and went on and on about how cute he is, and echoed everyone else's 'he has a job? and a car? AND a house??' line.

and i was wrapping up at that point. i had literally left that for last because i knew i wouldn't get any work done after that or be able to focus at all after that, and i packed up all teary eyed and left to come back to the city.

because i read the email response that told me not to be scared to say anything to him. that he likes me a lot and his brain is going through all the things he wants to do with me, too. and that he hopes he can work it out with work.

and i fucking LOST IT.

and i guess it was on my way home from the office that it started to make a little sense.

this is what i have so far:

i'd been alone for over a year. ever did such a number on me that i really truly honestly had ZERO interest in being someone's girlfriend, partner, anything monogamous ever again.

i'd get frustrated and upset (and probably roll my eyes) when people at suck store and in my family said, 'you'll find someone else... don't worry.' because when you say you are getting a divorce, that is what comes out of their mouth. it's hardwired into people's brains or something. not mine. mine says, 'congratulations' out of habit, even when it isn't appropriate.

the whole thing was, i wanted to have a lot of sex, because i felt like i was making up for a lot of lost time. but i didn't want someone else in my life every day.

and because the stupid boys i was meeting weren't anything deserving, it was easy to keep saying i didn't want someone. because i didn't want THEM.

and i didn't want to be tied down. or have a boyfriend. or have kids in the next five years, much less, maybe never. i never want to be married again.

i believed all of these things, and really had myself convinced of them.

until almost week ago. really? undeniably? until sunday afternoon.

my stomach is sick right now, and my eyes are stinging a little, fighting yet another cry.

i woke up this morning and read the email he sent when i was sleeping, and cried in the shower. that was probably from being tired, amplifying everything else.

but i think my brain is making me cry so much? because it knows that i was WRONG.

i was wrong about all of it. and the thought that i was wrong and that i'm really not prepared for this is making me cry again. right now. writing this out...

when i said that i saw my life flash before my eyes the other day, i was being kindof literal. i saw us. i saw us doing all the things that we have talked about in rapid succession.

i saw us years from now. the thought of having a kid someday doesn't make me want to throw up. or jump off a cliff. the thought of having another marriage doesn't make me want to slit my wrists or run away.

and i probably shouldn't be putting it in writing now. but i am, because maybe i will stop crying once i admit it.

i think this is what it feels like to fall. in that l-word. it's so too soon. the thought of it makes me feel like i'm going to throw up. that word. i mean, i love a lot of people and i tell people i love them all the time. but this is different. this has the word 'in' in front of it.

fuck that shit. oh, it's not okay. it's been a week. it's hollywood. i've been telling myself how completely overrated it is for several years now. that it won't last. that it is scientifically impossible.

that the psychic at the beach that night with kit was right: i will only have one true love. and from then until now? i thought that was a coffee reference.

and now i am not so sure. and now i am TERRIFIED. i am scared. i am excited. i am happy. i cannot stop smiling. and? i cannot stop bursting into random tears.

i am so afraid of feeling something this intense with anyone ever again, because all i have ever known is the downside to it. the awful heartbreak that gave me the best things i've ever written. it's just too scary. and i have been telling myself that i'll take the easy way for a while. fuck dudes and not get attached. because feeling nothing is so much better than feeling too much. especially when it's midirected.

there's no bunny slope for this. i mean, he is the slope itself.

and here i am, careening down this steep hill into something below that i cannot see, because i'm going too fast. i cannot pull a sonny bono here. i can't just happen to not see the one tree on the slope that is going to put me out of my misery when i crash into it.

but holy shit! i'm flying down this hill, and i'm not chasing him down it, and he's not lagging a million miles behind me, unable to keep up with me.

he's holding my goddamned hand! and we're racing down together at the same speed, i'm nearly positive of it. and yeah, maybe the figurative ski trip was my idea. but he inspired it. and he encouraged me to talk about my ideas. and when i suggested the figurative ski trip, he packed the bags and drove us to the airport.

it is so crazy. and i know that none of you can really get it, because i've been spending all of my time reading and writing to him, instead of here. but nina has read the emails between us.

nina. am i right here? i'm not going crazy, right? i'm not making this up? it's not another coffee or any other boy you've seen me interact with?

and other than that, alice would have some perspective, because she has known him for half of her life, all of her adult life.

yeah. so i can't say what i'm thinking. because putting words on anything jinxes it. maybe next week. maybe tonight. maybe three years from now, i'll say it. but not today.

and maybe all the crying is just relief. like the way i sobbed when aubree's brain turned out to be okay.

because this is going to be okay. if i think about how it could all go wrong, i'll freak the fuck out. but i don't have to. i know... enjoy the ride. i know... don't rush. i know... stop thinking.

i've got this. now all i have to do is figure out how to approach the subject with him, because the last thing i want to do is cry on him without warning.

i hope that doesn't happen. ugh...

but in closing, i just want to write that when we spent hours on sunday morning in bed watching the office together, it felt a bit like being hit over the head with a frying pan:

i have found the jim to my pam.

and i am in some kind of trouble.

the big cry. may 23rd.

i knew it was coming for a while now. i've said it to anyone who has been around me.

i have been holding back a cry, against my own wishes, for a couple weeks. i wanted to cry. i tried watching movies that i thought would bring it out of me, but it didn't work.

but, boy, did i get it out of my system today.

as it turns out, greg emailed me at work. after last night, i was feeling very skeptical, very unsure of myself. it was like i expected him to leave and never speak to me again, because of the very short lived pavlovian conditioning i've recently been subjected to.

i'd made this cute test for him, mostly about food. because everything else is the same, i thought he'd love it. and he did. he took it very seriously, turning all the multiple choice questions and true falses into long answers.

and then sent a lovely note after that, talking about the time we spent together.

the test was awesome. we brought up a lot of the same stuff, of course. but he put so much time into it that i was wickedly happy.

and then i got to the end. i guess it was around 11 this morning. and i'd had a busy morning. i had fielded the questions all morning, 'how was your weekend?' and 'did you have a good weekend?'

to which i toned down what i wanted to say, and instead said 'it was fantastic' and 'i had a great weekend'.

and then read what he wrote. and he talked about how wonderful the weekend was. how he didn't care that it was shitty out, that he was in a fantastic mood, thanks to me.

and one of my questions was 'what's your perfect day?' i told him to include details, time of year and weather and everything.

and he talked about his perfect day. and then finished it off, with saying that the most recent perfect day involved the end of the world, perfect weather, beer fest, finally meeting up with an amazing girl, and ending with watching tv lazily in bed on a sunday morning.

i almost fell out of my CHAIR.

and then wrapped up with a paragraph, saying that he couldn't have had a better weekend, that alice was right saying how awesome i am (i love you, alice!) and that he's going to be in a good mood for a while. and that he can't wait to see me.

and the last line?

smitten and enamored.

the thing was, in one of our emails, i asked him about words that he overuses. and i said that two of my favorite words are smitten and enamored. and when he responded, he said that he also loves those words, because they sound like what they are.

and when he regurgitated my two favorite words back to me, about me, as a closing statement, i literally had to look away from it, shaking my head.

and my eyes welled up. and i took off my glasses. and i started to cry.

so hard, that i put up my 'be right back' sign, and went to the bathroom.

i sat in a stall, sitting on a toilet crying my fucking eyes out, smiling and laughing and CRYING. it was shock and disbelief and relief and happiness all into one.

and i pulled it together and lost it again, three times. and finally, i calmed myself down, and went back into the store with bloodshot eyes.

and then had two hours to respond to him in kind, and then close shop.

i swear... i blinked today and it was 11. and i blinked again and it was 2. and then it was 4. and i had my shrink appointment.

and i had heavier background stuff to talk about, but knew i wanted to get into greg for the most part.

and we did. and i talked about how i spent the last few months getting my feet wet. that i felt like i needed to get something out of my system. take my body back and use it for strictly carnal purposes. how i was having fun, but not having an emotional attachment.

i talked about how greg happened over the past few months.

there was just something about him, that i saw when i saw him. i needed to find him.

and then talked about our date and our night. and our subsequent day, and when i said that i had never had something happen like this before (and not because i was being overly dramatic), i started crying. took my glasses off, and cried while i talked to her about why. explaining what i meant. cried and cried.

i have operated, for the most part, in relationships where my love was unrequited. coffee, the sun, and so on. and the rest were all fixer uppers. boys who had my love, but who i wasn't in love with, who became something like a project for me. boys that i had no business being with, who i always found my way to.

and the boys that were the unrequited ones? they were friends first. friends who i tried to weasel my way into a relationship with. and coffee was the closest thing that i had to a boy like greg, but it was just a game, and nothing real.

and since i left ever, i have gotten to be pretty good, i think, at physical encounters with boys that i respect a great deal, or enough, to have sex with. but who i have no interest in being with, in an emotional or committed relationship.

and when i told her i took down my dating site profile, she was surprised. but when i explained to her why, she got it.

and she agreed with what my parents said when i told them 'i met a boy.' and explained how scary it is and how crazy it is and how special it is. mom said, 'you're scared because you met someone that you can see yourself being with.'

because i have attempted to brainwash myself into thinking that i don't need or want anyone around. that i don't want a boyfriend. that i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. that i want to have fun and be free and have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, until i find what works for me.

but at the end of that small pile of boys that i burned through in rapid succession? it wasn't as fun and fulfilling as it seemed in hindsight. because of the lack of emotional connection, the physical connection existed. but what i needed to get off wasn't there. and i kept thinking and saying, 'it will happen the next time'.

and while i haven't yet broken the jinx that ever cast upon me, i feel like it might actually be possible this time.

because there was something so super special happening on saturday into sunday. and part of me wants to put words on it. but out of fear, mostly, i refuse to.

smitten was a big step for me. and everything else after that? it's just too soon. one jinx is more than enough.

but there are so many connections, the two of us struggle to keep up with them all. our brains work the same way, in rants and tangents, and we bounce around off of ourselves, and off of each other, and it's this crazy circle. and having someone on the other end of this, who is feeling the things i'm feeling and thinking the things i'm saying is completely overwhelming to me.

i've never had something that felt like this that i didn't have to work for. and in light of all of my selfishness before right now, i told aubree yesterday that i don't feel like i deserve to have something that seems this amazingly good.

yeah, i know i did my time. yeah, i know i felt deprived. i DID. i WAS.

i have always put boys on pedastals that they don't deserve to be on. and i thought that by paying attention to it, and telling shrink about it (i explained this to her today), that i could keep myself from doing it again. but that's what i've been doing this whole time.

not that i want to run away with any of the boys of the last two months. and not that i want to be with any of them, or think they're the best thing since sliced bread. i managed to keep it in check, to pat myself on the back. i managed to not overdo it. i didn't drown in any of it. i tread cautiously, as i should have.

but just being with them was putting them on a pedestal. and just trying to hang with them more than once was some variation of that.

and i got it both right and wrong with matthew. there was a physical connection. but i thought he'd be boyfriend material with time. because i thought that, if i was with him for months without it, i'd care about him as a person.

and maybe it's the thing about meeting the person you want to be with that brought it to my attention. but i would have been going about it all wrong. and kindof cashing in on his desire to be someone's boyfriend. it wouldn't have been fair to him.

and i think what makes this feel so intense for me is that i'm breaking all of my own rules and crossing all of my arbitrary lines for the right reasons.

or as shrink so succinctly put it: tea, there are no but's with this one.

and yeah, it's very very early. i told her that i'd just gotten the email literally a few hours before sitting in front of her, which is part of the reason why i was so overwhelmed by it in her office.

but both my parents and shrink agree... he doesn't have any red flags. he doesn't have anything that he does that bugs me or sits wrong with me. nothing that concerns me in the least.

he loves his parents. we talk about our grandparents. he has an awesome job that he loves, drives a nice car, owns his own house. he paid for everything on saturday, which isn't important to me, but which is also something that is an indication of what i messed up for so long. because i am drawn to guys who like having me as their sugar mama. but i'm not even that sweet.

he's a MAN by society's standards. but to me, he is just this BOY. who i am really afraid of.

he's this boy that gets me like i've never been gotten before. all the other times, it was all in my head, and even i know that. everyone who has ever known me knows that.

and the fact that this is REAL? completely overwhelming.
the fact that this is requited? completely overwhelming.
the fact that he said it first, but i felt it at the same time? COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING.

i write about opening my mouth and watching the boys run. and i write about being so convinced of feelings being shared, only to find out later that it wasn't like that at all. i write about misreading things that are said all the time.

but this is different, and it's not really sinking in. because i am trained, slightly, in a way, to know that it's not shared. it can't possibly be. i don't DO this. i don't ever get it right. i don't give my heart to a boy who deserves it. certainly not one who has ever earned it. i end up heartbroken. that is what i do.

not this. this can't be for me. it can't be my life.

and i wrote him back after crying and getting all of that out of my system. and i wrote him back with enough me too's to sink a ship.

and went off what he said a bit. and added a little.

and i told him that it's probably good that he is busy, because i can pace myself and not make him burnt out on me.

but i don't want to pace myself. i just want this feeling to last. and i want it pretty much all of the time. and i don't know if that is because it feels so incredible, or if i'm just afraid it's fleeting.

and nina's recommendation of the radiolab 'this is your brain on love' podcast was well timed. and i listened to it after we had a discussion about it, where i didn't know what the science was, but managed to have most of my questions answered. you should stop what you're doing and listen to it.

i was driving home from the shrink today, and had the thought, 'it's like seeing your life flash before your eyes.' and i started crying.

that, and just realizing that my skin is tingling. and my heart is racing.

and when i started this, it was around ten. and i said to nina, 'he's at soccer. he's probably getting home around now. in fact, he's probably reading my email right now.'

and in it, i told him to abuse my number if he wants to.

and not even five minutes after discussing with her whether i should expect to hear something from him tonight, a text, a call, whatever, and after i tried to talk myself into thinking i wouldn't to avoid some crazy disappointment?

he texted me. 'are you awake? is it too late to call you?'

and i felt bad for abandoning nina, because we had just sat down to chat, but took his call.

and just came back to finish this. three hours later.

we talked. for three hours. and it was only ended because he has to get up in the morning. i am pretty much convinced that, if you put the two of us in a room and didn't let us out until we ran out of things to talk about, there would not only be no lag time between lines of conversation, there would be no gap in talking.

and at this point, so early on, i am totally convinced that it would be a very long time, indefinitely even, until one of us came out of that room.

and when he asked, if the camping trip does get shortened like i think it will, in light of the rain, if we could hang out when he's back from the beach on sunday night into memorial day? i said yes.

and when he said that sounds kinda far away, and would i like to get food between now and then? yes, please.

i said that my weeks are usually kinda busy, plans with friends and everything. but that this week is suspiciously quiet, and that i happen to have no plans this week, at all. and said to let me know when he wants to do something, because i am down.

and he said he tore his house apart last night when he got home after leaving here (and laughed at himself, at what it meant to say that to me), looking for the standing room only ticket to the game tomorrow, so he could take me with him. and can't find it anywhere. and that it's driving him crazy and that he is really sorry about it. i was just glad that he wanted to take me to bobblehead night.

i feel like a bobblehead. trying not to drown, quite honestly.

smitten kitten. may 21st.

it's pretty funny that the world was supposed to end yesterday. well, not exactly. the rapture. at 6 pm est.

i was at a beer festival on a first date with greg.

let me say, from the start that i am trying to slow this down and lock it up.

but i told my parents when they called me today, that i met a boy.

my mind is running away from me right now. but it's fun. and the last 36 hours have been worth it, if my heart get broken into a million little pieces.

i had the best 24 hours with that boy, that i have had in eleven whole years, definitely. maybe ever.

and for boycrazy tea? that is saying a lot.

i was afraid. i am afraid. i've spent over a year building a wall. and i chiseled some holes in it, these past couple months. and despite not being attached to them, i still got hurt feelings and bummer moods out of those experiences.

and i know it's retardedly premature. i know this. i disabled my dating site profile today. because i am not looking for anything. not anything but more time with greg.

i was super nervous yesterday. and i think his shaky hands meant that he was, too. because he doesn't drink caffeine, and he was shaking until sometime after one this morning.

and i don't want to write the exploits, either. but know this: i am smitten. immediately. and i really think he is, too.

he showed up and i opened the door, saying, 'you're a real person!'

and he said hi and gave me a nice hug. he came inside while i grabbed a few things, and we were out the door to beer fest. aubree and mike met us over there, after we had an hour head start.

because of the emails back and forth, and kinda leaving the one i wrote late friday night/technically saturday morning, we kindof picked up where we left off, and there wasn't a second's pause where we weren't telling stories and talking about things we'd either only touched on, or agreed to talk about in person.

he is ADORABLE. if i could create a cookie cutter boy? he would be it. hazel eyes, slight, freckles absolutely everywhere. smiling eyes, a sweet smile. just barely taller than me, which is my favorite.

i just can't get over it.

i think he's going to be what makes me quit smoking.

and i will say from this day on, that timing with this one was everything. had i met him last week, or last month on his birthday, it would not have gone this way, because i wouldn't have been ready. i wouldn't have learned the lessons of the last few months. and they were key in realizing what i have found this week.

i don't know. i was afraid he/we would be bored, having most of the same points of reference in conversation and memories and life stories. music and movies and songs and defining life moments.

i was afraid that we'd talked about so much that we would struggle in person.

but we didn't. and weren't. we bounced off of each other wonderfully. and had so much fun, laughing, giggling, smiling, hugging.

my head is so foggy, i can't even remember where he kissed me first. i think in the kitchen, after a day of drinking. getting beers for alice and mike.

it was sweet. we hugged a good bit before that. he held my hand and rubbed my legs in the car. the chemistry was there, right away. which i wasn't expecting. because things with coffee, who i had chalked him up to, were a game, and my desires for him didn't ever include a throwdown.

we met up with alice, and ran around with my sister and mike for a while. and drank entirely too much beer. i did a great job of hydrating, though. and i'm glad for it, because otherwise, i would not have had the amazing night that we had.

it was about 1230, when alice was expressing a little interest in mike, and i was ready for a makeout session with greg.

he went in to go to the bathroom. i whispered 'nudge' in alice's ear. and went into my room with the light off.

when he came out of the bathroom, i called him by his last name.

he came into my room, and said he was glad that i was there. he said he couldn't watch another video and wanted to make out.

so i offered him pjs, and asked if he would like to stay over. and he declined the pj's, asking if it was okay to just wear his boxers. which were covered in bicycles, by the way. swoon.

and i said sure, and put on my super comfy sleep shorts.

and that was that.

we were there for a while, and having a good bit of fun that way, after putting on i heart huckabees, which i'd tried unsuccessfully to watch once with aubree. and one thing led to another. and i didn't see any of the movie. by this morning, it was a running joke. and i saw a good third of it. but there was another another, and i still haven't seen the end. sigh.

and it was just perfect. everything about it. smiling at him, smiling at me. being close. just being and enjoying.

it was exactly right. and i was glad he caught me off guard. because i wasn't expecting it from him. he complemented me at some point, about how i look, and i told him he is ideal. it was cute.

and at around 330, i knew he needed to sleep, but also knew from the way things had just gone, twice, that if i stayed and we cuddled and then made out, there would be another another. so instead i told him i was going to smoke, and put on my makeout mix of sleepy music for him. and kissed him goodnight, and told him i'd be back and to sleep.

and i chain smoked two cigarettes, and emailed nina what had just happened. and how i was completely flooded by it.

and because we'd been emailing each other up to that point, i sent him an email. i thought it would be cute. and when he checked his phone after some more anothers this morning, he said, 'you sent me an email!'

and i said, yes, last night, when i was smoking, i emailed him. he loved it.

when i got into bed after the chimneyfest, he put his arm around me and was the big spoon. and not one time, at all, were we apart. i can't remember the last time i had something that sweet. it is my favorite.

and when we woke up this morning, and finally got out of bed and dressed at around 10, we came out onto the deck.

we talk a lot about san francisco. it is both of our favorite city. and today felt like that, exactly. it was 60 and foggy and cold and damp and dreary. and i was also afraid of the way things change after you share what we had shared. so when we spent 45 minutes telling stories on the deck after four anothers, and kept it the same, i was glowing inside. and out.

and alice came back from brunch with her boy, and we had hangover beers on the stoop at 1030. and finally all felt fine. neither of us could do anything but drink water. and beer was the only cure. neither of us could eat, but i offered to make breakfast anyway.

and the four of us sat out, probably still pickled from our eight beer extravaganza last night, and told stories.

and alice's mom called and said hi to all of us and relayed an i love you to greg, who returned in kind.

and alice went around the side of the house to talk to her, i thought to talk away our loud asses, carrying on as people walked home from church, about the fake rapture.

i am, bloggers, enraptured.

and when she hung up and literaly skipped back over to us, she jumped to a stop at the bottom of the stoop, and said, 'i'm sorry. i told her about you (pointed to me) and you (pointed to greg) and she's happy.'

and we looked at each other, smiling, and giggled.

and they left for their day, and we went back to bed to watch more of the office. or not watch more of the office.

and after five anothers, in addition to the original, we talked some more. and played funny video clips for each other, giggling and hugging and touching. and then it was time for him to go, and for me to get ready for a birthday lunch celebration for pam's birthday, with aubree and kim.

it was just perfect.

i wouldn't change a thing.

and from the texts just sent, i am nearly certain he wouldn't either.

it's so incredible to be so happy.

the episode of the office he chose first was such a good one. the one where jim and pam are hiding their connection, the fun run.

and we were having an another, when something happened on the show. it was jim's talking head about knowing that he was in love if he was. he was defending himself.

and i am not saying that i am in love. that would be stupid. but it made me giggle, which made him giggle.

and i'll fucking TAKE IT.

he said, 'everything feels so good.'

and we cuddled up and did our best to make it through another episode, and failed miserably. we didn't even make it through the opening goddamned credits.

this is one smitten kitten, signing off.

my shrink is going to have a field day with me tomorrow.

and the one and a half hour nap i got overnight, mixed with a most unbelievable taxing of my body, is going to make me sleep like a rock tonight.

and tomorrow? the emailing will commence again, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed that he comes through on the loose plans to take me to the phils game on tuesday. so i can stay over, and start the memorial day weekend off right, at the star party.

which is supposed to be a mega washout. i don't know where i will be or what i'll be doing this weekend, because i will not camp in pouring rain for four days, under a cloudy sky to not see what i'm going there for. i can't say that i won't give it a try. but it was the worst when kit and i tried to make it work before.

it was a wash. and here's to hoping the weather changes between now and then. because if it doesn't, i won't mind being on the grid. i think the hardest thing at the start of this is trying to slow it down to protect myself.

but he's not giving me any reason to want to. telling me that everything feels so right. so good. so awesome. so amazing.

we both overuse awesome and amazing, so from the outside it might sound like we have a very limited vocabulary. but i promise that we are both founts of words, when it comes to each other.

i told him before he left that he was absolutely worth the wait. and we agreed that the timing was perfect. he wants to do a lot with me, that i want to share with him, too. and today, when we couldn't seem to make it out of the bed, i said, 'how are we ever going to make it anywhere?'

and he said, 'motivation is the key. we'll go places.'