if the jean fits... / unfriended. june 5th.


day four = getting somewhere.

it's not perfect. but it is enough to keep me going.

i think the theme this weekend is encouragement.

maybe it's time for new mantras.

i am happy.

i am focused.

i am fun.

i am committed.

i am funny.

i am smart enough.

i am excited.

i am pleased with my life right now.

just promise to make me read this next week when i'm low again. these things tend to be fleeting. i'll ride this wave where it takes me.

right now it's taking me to the bar. for some stoli and diet.

... coffee.write.sleep.repeat will continue in a moment...

monumental day here.

well, night.

today was great. tonight was also great.

just like the other day in the car, listening to rage, today the first thing i played on the ipod was dr dre. again, felt like a badass. i did skip around more than i thought i wanted to. but it was rad regardless.

and i thought it was funny today when kit said she got unfriended by ever.

and i was showing her this thing on his page, something that i felt he was not the author of.

in any case, tonight, i sat down in front of the computer. tomorrow is his birthday.

well, technically now it is his birthday.

today when i got the car ipod jack set up, i bought ever a cd wallet for all of his cds that i pulled out of my cases.

i thought it a nice gesture. and i only justified it because it's his birthday. so i thought i could spend $26 on him.

and tonight, i noticed that his birthday warning was removed from my friend section. and i realized that he had unfriended me.

it was a relief. it did piss me off. but i had thought about it lately.

and i had him all but blocked anyway.

so, i did what any divorcing woman would do who was unfriended by her soon to be ex husband.

i changed my name. i dropped my married last name, so now it's just the first two names that i already had on there.

it was scary. i debated doing it. i really intended to wait until the divorce was filed.

but at this rate, maybe i file a name change first. i don't really know.

i've written about the speed with which i wish to become not his wife. and to no longer bear his last name.

and i'm sure he'll have some smart ass comment about whether the divorce was finalized or not, yet.

i do not fucking care. i sent him a message. it just said '36'.

it's a joke that he won't get. because he could never remember how old he was. so he'd always ask me. and i'd always tell him.

it also let him know that i know he is not my friend. i was going to post that anyway.

and it will also come up as being from one tea vee.

suck it, ever.

and then i watched intervention again. because i hadn't gotten enough crying out of my system today.

it's funny. i knew i'd cry when i watched say anything. and i knew i'd cry when i watched intervention. though they are very different types of crying.

say anything was the heartbroken wistful cry. not my broken heart, but theirs. when she gets into her car and cries. when he calls his sister in the rain. of course, the part with the radio.

intervention is the raw reaction i have to seeing grown men cry, more often than not. and the relief when the people go.

and i always cry at the very end when it says that they've been sober since such and such date.

because it's nice to see that there is hope. for at least a few people.

i should probably feel different.

but i'm supposed to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary.

that's right. the cat is out of the bag.

and now that he's not my friend, it will be pretty neat to see what people have to say. and to not worry about him seeing it. who will even notice, and who won't.

i don't know how long it was between the former roommate's name change and when i noticed it. the silent drop.

in a way it makes me want to be very low key, comment wise.

and in a way, it makes me want to jump up and down.

also, tonight was good because i figured out that my most trusted friend some days, pbr, is only 12 carbs.

suffice it to say that, like a lays chip, i can't have just one.

but knowing that once i go home, i can drink them and not feel bad about it. they even make pbr light. and that's cool, too. i still fear the beer belly. i'll keep it trashy. fair trade.

this time next week, i'll be under the stars. i'll be in a tent i pitched. i'll be happy. i'll feel different. i'll feel smaller. i'll feel in awe of the universe i live in.

this time next week, i'll have a lot more to be grateful for. i'll have a road trip under my belt. without ever. for the first time since new years with nate.

this time next week, i'll have two weeks until i go home.

this time next week, i'll try to have a mediator picked out. i'll try to have the paperwork drafted.

this time next week, i'll have a catering behind me.

this time next week, i'll have a better sense of my place in this world. this universe. on this planet. in this country. in this region. the five hour drive to higher elevation and cooler weather will be refreshing.

i'm too excited to sleep. it's 3 am. again. i woke up at 1230 today. i cannot do that tomorrow.

also, i've been toying with the idea of starting another blog.

i want to have something that is not so top secret.

this will remain my outlet for all things divorce related.

the other can be more for writing exercises and fiction, possibly.

i thought i'd call it one of the funny names i made up when my priorities were different.

good fortune. june 4th.

good day following a rough night.

so for a few days now, i was really stuck on the ever drama. i guess that is what drama is.

well, that and scrabble.

so when i got home from work yesterday, all i wanted to do was plug in.

and i did.

and then checked work email and remembered that i have a catering.

and had a wicked bad panic attack from about 1030 until well after 11. everything i had to do, everything i'd let fall to the wayside. i did something incredibly stupid at work. because i wasn't thinking. not worth getting into mundane details here, but i pissed off the dean of the school that i am working in. and i knew it could happen, and then i let it happen.

really stupid. caught a huge rash of shit for it, too.

figured that out right before remembering the catering.

so i made a huge list. a person one. and a work one. it took up a full sheet of paper.

and i woke up at 530 like i do every day now that i'm on that schedule. and i couldn't fall back asleep.

and i got up and started crossing things off my list.

i had such a good day. great day.

first, i had to take the car in. the service lady told me it would probably be $130 to have the a/c fixed because it isn't covered. they gave me a ride to work which was awesome.

got there to find out that the catering isn't monday as i had panicked thinking. it's tuesday. so now i'm really ahead, instead of being behind and totally fucked.

work was fine. got a lot accomplished. marked off like eight more things from the list.

then came home after waiting forever for the bus. literally, maybe forty minutes. which is ludicrous.

talked to my sister on my way home. while she was driving home to mom and dad's.

then got ready for a night out. a little prematurely. drove kit's car to pick her up, so she could take me to the car dealership.

got my car. bill was ZERO dollars.

fucking amazing.

with air conditioning.

it was so great. i didn't realize how upset i had been for the last months over it. until i turned it on and it worked. i giggled for at least three full minutes. it was stupendous.

we decided in the parking lot to go on a joint adventure to liberties.

so kit followed me in her car, parked my car for the show i'd promised a friend from work that i'd go to. he was in a band that i never made it out to see. but has a solo project that is a german rap parody.

went with her to a friend's graduation party after dropping off my car. then she brought me back.

and the show was hilarious. laughing the whole time. he was really funny. and entertaining. and convincing. it was great.

and i had decided to leave right after him. but the next band was setting up. and they were incredible but i couldn't stay for more than one song.

they're one of those bands whose live show is what makes them.

they had this whole midi sequence of the song 'jump', to the video of david lee roth doing his thing back in the early eighties. it was awesome.

and the whole time i kept thinking they were going to be all hype. and probably disappointing. maybe the fog machine and special lights made me think that.

but they weren't. they had this whole animated intro.


it spelled out their name. it was this little anime girl. they were a two piece. which always wins in my book. do more with less, right?. and the bass was super fuzzy, which i love. it almost sounded like keys.

but the whole thing on the screen while they played music that made me think of the apples in stereo, and which ben nailed when he said flaming lips, just made me think, 'i've had acid trips that looked like that.'

it made me trip out for a second. call it a flashback if you want.

but it was really cool. only my back was killing me. and my tooth was killing me. and i had to leave because i couldn't stand there anymore.

so i bought a cd and took ben's friend home.

see, this thing happened here two nights ago.

i knew something had happened from fb posts from a bar in liberties.

but i didn't know what. and then one of my employees told me the whole story at work yesterday morning.

some girl, almost 21. went to a bar. went to a friend's house after. biked home. was abducted from her doorstep.

strangled with her own bra. beaten horribly. stripped naked and raped. and left in an abandoned lot behind her house.

totally fucked up.

i thought the girl had just been attacked. i didn't know that she had died.

so when i got home today, waiting for kit, i was looking into it. to see if i knew her. the girl who told me knows friends of hers. i didn't know her and had never seen her around before.

anyways, i got kindof entrenched in it. read a ton of articles about it.

the whole city is talking about it. but especially that neighborhood. and where i was tonight was just a few blocks away.

it was really scary. and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. walking around with another friend, she was teaching me stuff she learned in her self defense class.

so when i met a friend of ben's, i told her i'd drop her off at home if we walked to my car together. and then ben walked with us for backup.

on my way home, this guy driving a convertible mercedes was driving all over the road. weaving like nothing i'd ever seen before. he had to have been completely black out drunk. i kept honking at him, because he nearly hit the car ahead of me. then me. then a bus. then a car ahead of me again.

if i hadn't had one drink, i would have called from the road, but couldn't do it. i wrote his tag down and was horrified when he got onto 95. super fucking scary.

came home. watched two episodes of intervention. which i'm obsessed with also. i think because i always kindof wanted to be in that type of work. no junkie wants to hear someone who has never been addicted tell them to come out of it, so i gave up on that thought. but i always have been fascinated with addiction.

so i watched four stories, and cried and loved it.

and then i logged into fb.

dear nina,

you already know that i love you.

but i'd like to take this opportunity to say thank you for starting that game of scrabble with coffee.

you're the best.

love, tea.

because i won that game.

but he started the next one.

what a nice thing to have waiting when i got home from the show.

i guess this is the thing...

i was really afraid to go out alone. so i kept flaking.

and then i sucked it up. and i went alone.

and it was so much FUN! i loved it.

which means that i'm encouraged to do it again. classic conditioning. thanks, pavlov.

and then a sweet reward at home.

got the car fixed for free. which made me happier beyond words.

tomorrow, i go to get the ipod jack installed in the car. because i have waited long enough. and because the road trip to dark sky park is next weekend!!

i'm knocking things off my list, which makes me feel like i'm getting somewhere.

i still have a lot to do.

i will, until i go home.

but taking care of things is good.

and i got paid today.

day three of atkins was pretty awesome. i mean, i'm dying for sweet things. and bread. and chips.

i don't miss the fries as much as i thought that i would.

mostly, sweet things while i'm at work. that damn apple fritter stares me down. every single day.

now here it is. almost three am.

maybe all it takes to put me back into manic mode is one really awesome night.

i hope i can sleep in tomorrow. i have my eye mask now. along with my earplugs i sleep with every night.

it should be pretty awesome.

i'm nearly certain that all of my bills are paid. so i'm going to make a credit card payment. which is great. and i'm also going to do the car thing. and buy contacts. stupid things. but they're on my list.

i love the feeling of freedom. freedom from ever's life. and lifestyle.

i love being able to get things that i want after i work really hard and get paid for it.

i love feeling like i'm already making an improvement to my body, even though it is intense and strange.

i guess the plan is to do atkins for two weeks. then slowly reintroduce carbs a week before i go home. along with going tot he gym. i just needed a kickstart. get rid of the beer belly. then hit the gym. so i'm in that mode when i go home. because mom and aubree both are gym rats. so it will be a great way to hang with them and do something to feel better about myself.

the skinny jeans are still tight. but not for long.

two weeks.

one week. then two weeks. then three weeks.

i am coming unglued i'm so excited.

to see nina again. and to have kit home. to see aubree and my parents.

to be poolside for fourteen glorious days.

to settle something that i've left unattended for too long.

to put it to rest.

though i really want to file before i leave, and feel that slowly slipping away from me.

i think that i will call the mediator on monday.

i have to. i don't like the people i can find online. i'm also waiting to hear from a friend whose fiancee just graduated from law school. he can't advise me because he also knows ever. but he can recommend his lawyer friends. and one of them will probably give me free advice.

maybe the one who i cleaned up after when he had too much to drink at their xmas party. or someone else who was there.

i don't know.

i will need some time alone tomorrow. but also will probably feel pretty wound up.

nate's dancing weekend has been put off indefinitely. and i've been squashing that down for a few weeks now, thinking he'd be here next week for the last few. so now i'm dying to go.

sleep. it is a long lost friend.

i hope i have nice dreams. and that i can stay asleep late to dream them.

but now, i'm tired. and thinking good thoughts.

territorial pissings. june 3rd.


i'll take that DRINK now.

so. this is good... after i responded to that ridiculous email i got from ever, i got one back today.

and i called it that night at the bar with kit. i guess it was two days ago.

one thing i called was that he is blowing smoke up my ass. that i don't believe a word he says. and that as menacing as he's trying to be, i don't think he is actually doing anything. i think he's just trying to scare me and manipulate me.

because last night, i had an email from staples. thanking me for my order of a pack of standard lease agreements.

i was seriously tempted to go to the house today, and ask to sign the leases that he'd already signed last week from the neighborhood property management company without me.

because they don't fucking exist.

the second thing i called was him responding to the joke i made about the lesbians kicking my ass. i said to them, 'you watch. he's going to say he never said that, and that it's all in my head, and that i'm making it up.' because this would be the third time those words came from his mouth.

so i was thinking about all of that today. then got home tonight and checked my email.

and this sets me off more than anything so far, i think.

because it's personal.

he's now launching a different kind of attack. he's territorializing our friends.

i was going to condense the email he wrote me. but i just went ahead and copied it here, changing details for his anonymity's sake.

for your reading pleasure:

'I'm still waiting to meet up with (the realtor).

I don't know anyone who wants to beat you up lesbian,straight or otherwise.

As for the (event) I would really prefer you not go. That would be like me just showing up at (the regatta) to see my in laws instead of respecting your time with them and attempting to make separate arrangements to see them.

Whether it matters to you or not my friends are my family and I am looking forward to having a great time with them at the show and I wouldn't be able to do that knowing that you were there.

You needed your space from me and I let you go without a fight.
All I'm asking of you is for you to not purposely make plans to be somewhere that you know I'll be.


to which i replied:

'oh, you had told me there were a bunch of lesbians who hated me and wanted to kick my ass a while back, when they were taking you out with them a lot. i guess you forgot you had told me that. it was a dumb joke anyway.

i didn't know you were going to the (event) for certain. you didn't go to any for a long time, so i didn't assume that you go to every one now. i didn't realize that i wasn't permitted to go to (events), so i'll make separate arrangements to see jay and matt as you request. or you can tell me if there's (an event) that you know you're not going to, so i can still see them.

or if you go (out of state), just let me know that, too. i can always go there to see them, i will assume you'll never be there.

as for you seeing my family, that wasn't separate from me. i was willing to be a big girl and not worry about how i felt or how it would make me feel, so that you could see the family that still loves you.

and i also tried to help you put it together with them, so that everyone could get what they wanted, even if i really didn't want to see you at all. at least if you'd shown up to the regatta, you could have seen them.

but you aren't interested in rowing anyway, so that wouldn't have made much sense for you to go. it's kinda different from going to (an event) at a bar. but i get what you're telling me, and i guess i should respect that.

let me know what (the realtor) says. and the broker.

and let me know if/when you need to close my email account, so i can get everything switched over.

and staples keeps sending order info and coupons to my email. you might want to change it so it emails them to you.'

yeah. suck it, ever.

i've been sitting on the dating site information for a while, without letting him know that i know. and it fucking KILLS me to try to hold a card.

but the staples leases? that was just too good to let go. i'm dying to make his face go hot. to make him squirm. to let him know that i know that he is full of shit. and all talk.

which i also called. just yesterday in my post, i believe...

what an asshole.

what an idiot.

i've already switched most things over from his email. and obviously i'm not telling him about my new email account.

if he shut it down now, i'd be bummed. but not devastated like i would have been a week ago.

i thought the big girl part was a nice touch. because he's being a big fucking baby.

let's just reflect back to pre-january days. when i was writing about him never leaving the fucking house. never going to any events with me. because he'd get too stoned to pick his fat ass up off the couch and go. much less, clean himself and change his clothes and go somewhere.

so for me to think that he is at every single event wouldn't be reasonable. but i guess that he's changing like i am.

and he can't hook up with girls who are into guys who do what it is that he does, though i wouldn't call it 'for a living', if i am there.

i've never been to that place before. but i'm guessing it's probably big enough that he could be in one place and i could be in another and he'd never even know that i was there.

but fuck him. i don't want to see him any more than he wants to see me. but to banish me from events because he wouldn't be able to have fun if i was there? really??

i'll just go when i visit nate. or drive out of town to see them.

you know, before when we had this discussion about going to events, all he said was that he didn't want to see me with a boy at an event. because that is what he cannot handle.

maybe i start showing up with a new boyfriend who has a dog at the dog park when i know he'll be there.

that's about the only place that i know he goes.

what a shithead.

i'm not even that mean.

i certainly wouldn't use someone just to upset him.

like the way he is using mutual friends to upset me.

leaving feels imminent. i haven't even made it a month in my own apartment before i want to move states away.

nina warns that if i do leave in a year, it might make this whole thing seem like a dream.

i wondered for a minute why exactly that would mean that it would be a bad thing. but she's right.

i do need to own this. i do need to go through it and feel it. and i cannot pretend like it never happened.

just like i can't run away from my problems. figuratively or literally.

i'll just defect to canada next spring when palin announces she's running for president. who's in? anyone with me?


seriously? cigarette.

and after that? a stiff one. drink, i mean...

raging. june 2nd.

today was a strange day. it was a busy day. and there was a lot of running around and driving across state lines for work.

and the highlight of my day was finding the rage against the machine cd in my car.

it had been a while since i'd listened to it.

and did i listen to it! windows down because the a/c is broken in the car somehow (it's only two years old), incredibly loud.

nodding and shaking my head and scream-singing 'fuck you, i won't do what you tell me'. it took me back to high school. when i could barely stand to say the word fuck, but still felt like a total badass for listening to that cd at top volume. in my pimped out 1982 datsun nissan sentra (aka the doo doo brown) with big ass speakers in the trunk.

it was so angry and just what i needed for the drive back in minimal traffic. venting vicariously. it was fantastic.

so today is day one of atkins diet. there's never a good time to start.

though not as insanely strict as it will become in maybe a few days, once i ease into it, i only had two coffees and a salad today so far. i'll have something later, too. i'm not starving myself or anything stupid. i had to come home and eat and hydrate before allowing myself a coctail later this evening.

and instead of buying a couple six packs of beer for the next week+, i got a bottle of stoli vanil and some diet coke to mix it with.

i don't feel like i can make it through a night yet, without at least one drink to unwind. or two. i do realize that to a lot of people, that might be or seem problematic.

but for me, it's the crutch i'm limping along on right now. and i'm not acting in risky ways, or doing stupid shit. for the most part, i have one beer at home a night (like a monkey). or a couple blocks from my home. at my-your or at the bar five doors down. and for the most part, i'm not drunk. though there was one night over the holiday weekend when i had two beers and was pretty silly. but i was under kit's supervision, so... all's well that ends well.

last night was a two beer night. i didn't intend for it to be. but halfway through the story, mine ran out. so i had another.

and they were great beers, for last beers.

but all the beer has been making my pants tight. so it's time to cut that nonsense out. i'll hope that my next beer is back home. i hope i can stay strong. i don't know if i'll make it. i now love it too much.

keep my eye on the prize. that's what i'll tell myself while i'm living on meat and salads. cheese and mixed nuts. sugarfree beverages. and coffee with heavy cream. and stoli with diet.

this is what i get for not just going to the gym. if i could make myself do it, i'd do it. but i suck at it, so i'm gonna cheat.

and for the next two days, i'll be bitchy. cranky. i'll have a headache and a half.

and then, my pants will fit. and then i won't get hungry anymore. and then i won't be eating snacks in bed. like boxes of cheezits and bags of chips and bowls of popcorn.

and as backwards as it sounds, i won't feel as unhealthy. this totally works for me. and it keeps me away from sweets, which have become a big part of my life since i left ever. it will keep me away from beer, which i have also buddied up to. no more oven pizzas and popcorn with extra butter. no more chips. no more FRIES. god... no more fries. what am i thinking???

meat and veggies. mmm hmmm.

meat and veggies and bikinis, i mean.

and booze, too. no denial here.

and new skinny jeans that are just a leetle bit too tight right this second. but won't be in a few short days.

that immediate payoff is like a drug. the immediate change is the best motivation.

and if i owned a scale, the tallying would begin.

this week, this woman at work was talking to us while we were cleaning and prepping stuff. and she was talking about how she lost all this weight. kit says she looks meth-skinny. and she is super tiny. like, a size 2 tiny.

but she was talking about how heavy she was. and you look at her and think 'there's no way'. and she went on to say that she cut carbs out from her diet entirely for just over a year. and lost 180 pounds!

of course, we didn't believe her. and of course, she had pictures to prove it.

made me feel like my little ten pound goal is retarded. but whatever. string bikini with beer belly says otherwise.

in her case, it was drastic, yes. it's unhealthy in some ways, yes. but i would like to think that her heart is happy and her health is better now than what it was when she was a size 28. because that's where she started.


i don't have much else to say. i didn't take care of anything in my personal life today. i didn't call a mediator. i didn't talk to any lawyer, mine or someone else's. i didn't make a shrink appointment. i didn't make a car appointment. i didn't call the dental school.

actually, i realized one in time. i totally have a car appointment. yay me.

yay for a/c in the ninety degree ridiculousness that is our weather this week.

now for the part where i go back to finding a mediator. wish me luck... i think i'll take that drink now...

appraisal. june 1st.

i gotta give the guy some credit.

for being a total dick, he sure has a nice way of making it look like he's doing me favors and being giving.

but goddamn.

i have a splitting headache.

i've been scrambling all night to get rid of anything that is email-attached to him.

he sent me this email, the first line was something about hoping that i can figure out how to be his friend.

sounds nice, right?

then launches into this whole thing about how he has a couple of people interested in helping him buy me out of the house.

i do not understand what he cannot get. he will be stuck at square one. he will not get a mortgage. he was implying that someone in his family will help him buy me out by cosigning. but he doesn't realize that he has to get approved first. what can he not understand about the fact that no one in their right mind would lend to him?

he is basically saying he has investors. where he has found investors and lawyers aplenty i cannot fathom. but, whatever. it's to my benefit, the investor part. because it means that it would happen sooner than later.

so he was asking me for an amount of money; what it would take for me to be off the mortgage. and i know he's trying to get me to put into writing that i want x amount of money from the sale of the house.

so i told him in an email back, get the house appraised and we'll go from there.

i know that the house is worth more than he thinks. and he keeps downplaying it. but i'm not stupid. if it hadn't increased in value in the last year, i wouldn't believe that. but he knows full well that we got shafted on our appraisal. so if he thinks i'm going with that figure, he can fuck himself.

and then i told him to take the money for my parents and the credit card off the top. and that we then split the difference.

and then, in closing, he said that he is working on the website and that he didn't realize i still had my email account through him, and can he close it out.

he knows i use that account for everything. and i told him that i didn't think there was a limit on how many user accounts he could have. but that if he really needed to close it, that i need some time to switch everything over.

so that is what i spent my entire night doing.

and maybe this is all an elaborate ruse to keep me from doing what i should be doing. which is meeting with my lawyer.

but whatever.

i was freaking out, because when he closes my account, the catchall will get my emails. which means all of my email will go to him. which scares the piss out of me.

kit was more pissed than me. and she kept yelling at me (in a nice way) to stop fucking around, and get down to business.

but this is the thing i can't explain enough. to anyone.

all i want is to be out.

and i wasn't in it to make a bunch of money. and he has no money to take.

if i can get my name off the mortgage and get out of debt and never have to talk to him again, then i will be happy about that.

yes, i need to pay my debt off. yes, i need to pay my parents back.

but if i only get a little more than that, i am done with him. and there's no two year attachment. and i don't ever have to talk to him again if i don't want to.

and that is worth something to me right now.

sure, i want to get the money back that i put into him. and sure i want to reap the benefit of all of the work i did on the house, and that my family did on the house, and what we saw in it when we first set foot in it.

but i don't want to pay a lawyer a huge chunk of money. does it really matter who is fucking me and taking advantage of me if someone is literally getting paid? whether it is him or the lawyer, i don't feel like it does. because either way, it's still not me.

i know that this doesn't make sense. i know that any woman in her right mind would sue his pants off. take him for everything, and leave him empty handed.

but i will always feel like i took everything when i left. i took my self, my income, i took his meals and his support system when i left him.

and i know that working on this guilt will help me to regain the desire to have what is due me.

but until then, i just want it to be over.

i don't want to see him looking at me and talking down to me.

i want to be my own person. who can move on. and yes, having a big chunk of cash in savings is how i should move forward.

and really, i should be happy that he is trying to buy me out now.

i just happen to have a clue that it is seriously impossible for him to do that.

or really really unlikely.

is it the millionaire girlfriend of one of his 'employees'? is it the rich doctor across the street who buys real estate for a second living?

who would be stupid enough to say 'this woman left him because of his gross mismanagement of money. i know! i'll give him a bunch of my money because i believe in what he does.'

yeah. welcome to my world, idiots. i believed in him, too. it's a lot like those people who give to the televangelists. blind faith. and like me, most of them can't afford it.

but he's a good salesman. he's a smooth talker. he had me going for years.

i spent this much time saying that he's a good guy, but he's just not right for me anymore. a guy who is a dreamer, and that he deserves good things to happen in his life.

but after tonight, i don't know that i'm so sure.

really, after sunday.

it's like, 'hey. ever. let the shit hit the fan and come down before you fling more up there, dude.'

only no one is telling him that.

i finished off my email to him by warning that i intend to go to a show later next month. and to tell the lesbians who want to kick my ass so they can start getting ready now.

i don't know... it was dumb to make it personal. but he told me a while ago that there were a bunch of angry lesbians who thought i was a total bitch for leaving him. and who all wanted to physically harm me.

and to that, i say, 'how could you even possibly understand what i have been going through? how could you know what it is like to be married to a guy like that? you still have your life. you still have your dreams. you still have your hope. and that is all gone from me now. so fuck you. beat me to a bloody pulp if you want. it's not going to change a thing.'

some sad sucker is going to come along next. and give and give. and he will take and take. because that is what he's been doing his whole life, and what he knows best.

he'll bleed you dry.

you have been warned.

i don't know.

maybe i'm blowing this all out of proportion. but i don't think that i am. i'm really honing in on the angry girl ranting thing right now.

i think that between the conversation on sunday, and what happened tonight, that he is probably pretty serious about what he is saying and doing.

and i think that i do need to play hardball with him. or risk losing more than i bargained for.

but i also know that the harder i come at him, the longer this whole thing will take.

and that the more i try to regain, the more he will fight me.

so, ever... got some more news for you:

you do not scare me. you can inconvenience me all you like, and harrass me, and belittle me.

nothing is worse than being your wife, so it's all an improvement.

if i have to pay some perfect stranger ten thousand dollars when all is said and done, i might just have to do that.

you wanna fuck with me? i'll sell that house faster than you can say appraisal.

you were not a housewife. you didn't contribute to our marriage. so you get nothing that resembles more spousal support.

and i'm taking it all back.

so look ready. remember when you said i declared war on you? well that was just a hint of what you're about to encounter. that was when i still felt like being nice to you. all this feeling bad nonsense is rapidly coming to an end.

it's just an idea of what you're about to go through.

if you want to be a dick, be a dick. but just like it's going to cost me, it's going to cost you, too. lawyers don't pay their bills by helping some 35 year old man child who smokes weed all day, pro bono.

and while you're on your high horse, thinking it's so easy to pay the bills and the morgage, you can fuck yourself. you're only doing it right now because you have two people who are stupid enough to do it for you. lucky you. you did it. for ONE MONTH. fucking quitter.

those people are suckers. god, i feel sorry for them. living with you and your ways. don't worry. it might still be novel. and maybe even kindof fun not being alone. but just wait. that shit will get old pretty fast.

it seems great now, because you're getting them to do work for you, and to pay for things to work on the house. right now, you're winning.

oh, and, yeah. one more thing...

still totally fucking hate you.

it's all glitter, guys. glitter and hype and pomp.

it will fade.

and you'll be holding some scrap of paper, thinking 'but you said...'

just like me.

just wait.

i'll do my best to speed it along. to end the insanity. to get you out of there before you make huge sacrifices, like the ones i made.

i'm going to be fine. as long as i'm not stuck with his last name anymore, i'll be just fine.

and just because i'm hesitating to call the lawyer and fork over a bunch of cash, it doesn't mean that i'm not in a hurry.

we're about to fast track this thing.

just you wait and see.

memorable memorial day. may 31st.

i feel better now than i did yesterday.

i had a great day today.

very mellow.

all of that angry writing got it out of my system, i suppose.

or just the passing of time.

i spent most of the day doing many things at once.

went through our collective cds for the third time. pulling the few of his i missed the first two times out, making a pile for him.

and as i passed things i have missed or want to hear, i imported them and put them on my ipod.

so i have all of this new old music now.

and i got the newer thao cd. just heard that. it's awesome, not the same as the others, but it definitely has some highlights.

and i added about seven more songs to the spring mix. it's coming along nicely.

while all that was downloading and uploading and importing (8 million years on the dinosaur computer), i cleaned the place up. and did the dishes. and then i went shopping.

i wanted to buy the sandlot on dvd. i tried to watch my old old vhs of it last night. i mean, i did watch it. only it was so destroyed, it fuzzed out every three seconds. so i only saw a third of the movie, and heard maybe two thirds of it.

so i went to the movie section. and found it. five dollars.

and next to that? corpse bride and charlie and the chocolate factory. tim burton, swoon... all five bucks each.

i guess the main purpose for my trip was in preparation for dark sky park. i bought my new four person tent. i bought two sleeping bags. though i don't exactly know why. maybe someone who doesn't have one will want to go camping with me? i got a few other things. but i spent $145. and the best part was? it only cost $45.

ever's mom had given me a $100 gift card for best worst christmas. and i had planned and planned to use it for paint for the house.

but when i left, i took it. and i held onto it this whole time, intending to give it to him.

but i guess that after the way i felt all day yesterday, i decided it would be much sweeter to spend it on myself.

so that is precisely what i did.

also, i'd been wanting some new work clothes, since summer is pretty much here now. and i wanted to hit this sale. so i did. and i got a pair of skinny jeans and work pants and two shirts for $32.

i love shopping. i missed shopping. more than that, i love finding a great deal. and i love saving money.

i love guilt-free shopping.

i doubt i'll feel guilt about spending the ever's mom's money. after what her son is putting me through, it's kindof the least she could do, right?


then i baked brownies for a belated birthday present. the pan to replace the pan i tried to set on fire the other night. and they were great.

oh. and the landlord made me a hamburger.

things are looking up.

i am well rested. not that i'm ever ready to go back to work, but i'm as ready as i'm going to be for my day tomorrow.

i'm glad today was awesome. after yesterday, i needed it.

and i'm glad i am starting to let go of some of those harsh feelings. i'm sure in a week they'll be back again, or whenever i have to talk to him next.

but for now, i'm going to eat some grilled goodness, and drink my last beer for a while (fingers crossed), and stare at johnny depp for a couple of hours.

spit. memorial day, technically.

it's a violent shift.

putting coffee and ever on paper. or on the interwebs.

one is someone i don't even know anymore. yet it's all love and emotion and vulnerability and butterflies.

the other is someone i didn't see this side of before who makes me question my judgment and logic. and now that went from love and friendship to hate and spite and bitterness.

once, we had this fight. it was a bad one.

it was before he was medicated. when he was still breaking things.

he got pissed off (i wish i could remember why), and threw a tape dispenser on the ground. a nice one that was filled with sand. it cracked the base.

and then he spit. on the floor. in the apartment. on the living room floor.

he was so mad that he spit.

i'd never seen someone do that before. it was like an involuntary reaction.

and i was so blown away by his temper tantrum that i stooped to his level. i dumped the sand all over him on his side of the bed. while saying something like, 'oh? because it's ultra productive to break shit we can't afford to replace when we're angry.' and then dumped the sand. and then said, 'i feel soooo much better now that i broke things and pitched a temper tantrum!' sarcastically.

this was way back in the old apartment. maybe four years ago? i'm remembering everything except the reason why.

but i'm so angry right now, so bitter, that i want to spit.

just call me manic tea.

because i'm awake. i'm writing multiple posts in a day. i am literally furious, then crying and then laughing hysterically, back to tearing up again. apparently it takes one and a half days to recover from a fucked up 50 or 60 hour workweek. and if i didn't have off tomorrow (technically today), i'd be right back to it.

i can't keep my days straight. or my dates. i'm having the hardest time with countdowns.

it's so strange to me. all week i wait for the weekend. and then it gets here, and i wish it away so i can go home sooner.

to escape.

immediately though, now, the countdown is to the camping trip.

then to thao and mirah.

then home.

you know, speaking of home... i haven't told my parents about the roommates yet. i can't even tell them about today. they will flip the fuck out on me. my mom told me, as soon as i told her i had gotten an apartment, to move back in.

they saw this coming. i told them, 'he's not like that. he is not going to do that.'

but apparently, he is. and he did.

i did some reading today.

do you know that if i go back to the house, say i've had a change of heart and that i'm moving back in, if he doesn't let me, i can get him for abandonment?

isn't that amazing?

that's the law. in our state, anyway. if the judge thought i meant it, i could completely switch roles on him. i could force him to leave.

there's also this other type of abandonment. where i can say that while i still lived there, he abandoned me. which is how i have been feeling.

something about withholding sex and having substance abuse issues and not doing his half of the marital work, for lack of a better word. as in, chores.

isn't that outrageous?

he was choosing weed over sex with me. and i could sue his ass for that. amazing. what would we do without this legal system??

that's what i learned tonight. that, and the vast number of mediators who want to help divorcing couples.

somehow, i want more beer. i want more comfort food. i want to go out. i missed out, too. tonight was supposed to be a super fun dance party. i literally just thought of it right now. i was thinking it was saturday all day because i knew i didn't have to work tomorrow.

and i fucked it up. ah, well.

maybe next weekend.

it's not even beer that i want. honestly, i just want to be drunk. and forget all of this until tomorrow. i want to go to sleep giddy and happy and tired and sleepy.

not lay here thinking about all of my real life problems.

the fake ones are so much more fun. the fluttery heart future scenario ones. that make me smile. not this bullshit that makes my heart pound out of anger.

rtw 24. unspoken exchanges

fuck you. i’m trying to help you because i stopped helping you.

i’m trying not to act irrationally.

i’m trying to let go of all the things you didn’t do for me and all the things i needed from you but never got from you.

i spent the morning hashing the details of our relationship, as if i were telling them to someone else.

and i am numb to that now. i hear myself pretend-telling someone else, and there is no emotion behind it anymore. i’m just stating facts now. because i spent the last years of my life living them.

and i’m smart enough now to know that i can’t look for the things i was lacking from other people. but i’m also feeling enough to know that i will look for them anyway. there is a brain-heart barrier that things are unable to cross. and some things are not able to stay on their respective sides.

all the ways that you failed me, i can rattle them off. but part of me is trying to let go of them all. there’s no reason for you to know them now. it’s not like either of us is going to come back from this thinking, ‘oh. this is precisely where i went wrong. this is what i can do to avoid this next time.’

i can’t even imagine being married again. i can’t imagine ever letting myself feel things for someone that would end up there.

if starting over means letting go, and letting go means that i have to forgive you, then i forgive you.

even though i don’t want to.

because you will never forgive me.

today i was thinking about the way that you say that you were so in love with me and so happy. and then i was thinking about the final six months of our marriage. and how everything you did reflected the opposite of that.

i know that i pushed you away, too. but i don’t claim to not have done that. i’m aware that i did it. i was aware that i was doing it. i pulled you closer before i felt that there was no reason to, and then i pushed you away.

you didn’t sleep next to me. you didn’t act like you cared that my needs weren't being met. it left me feeling completely empty inside. it left me feeling like i wasted some of my best years with you.

you didn’t bathe. you couldn’t put down the joint and just check in with a clear mind. you drowned out my complaints and concerns with countless episodes of tv on the computer. you were complacent. you were not plugged in. you were not willing to apologize for your shortcomings. you were not willing to make the same sacrifices i’d been making for you for years. you were not willing to change a thing.

and fuck you. you didn’t try at all.

in your mind you’re the victim. and i abandoned you. and i’m the bad guy. but the thing is, i was abandoned in our marriage. you just didn’t leave, physically.

and once i start to let go so i can move on, it will be nice to not have all that guilt to contend with. but the thing is... i don’t want to be the bad guy. not to you or anyone else.

do you think for one minute that i wanted to get up and go to work everyday so that you could stay home and sleep in until you felt like getting up, and 'work' in your pajamas? and ten hours later when i got home from work, cook for you, and clean up after you, and then help you run your 'business'?

it wasn’t fucking work. you were a lazy bastard who was content to take what i’d give, for as long as i was willing to give it. and that was wrong. and whether you intended to do that or not, i don’t care. because when i asked for your help repeatedly, you didn’t so much as lift a finger. not a dish, not the dog, not the laundry. nothing.

it is all my fault.

once i come to terms with that, i’ll be on my way. i was your enabler. i let you treat me that way. i didn’t demand that things change. i asked. nicely. and you didn’t give that to me. and i didn't follow through. so it was all my fault.

i knew this day would slip away from me. i knew that i’d talk to you, and despite keeping the conversation on track, i knew that you’d find a way to fuck my shit up. and that you’d find a way to take some of the happiness i woke up with away from me.

and like a clairvoyant, i called this.

twenty minutes of conversation. twenty minutes i’ll never get back. and twenty minutes for you to spin it to seem like the good guy who’s looking out for my best interests. while you detail all the ways you’re going to try to fuck me over during the next two and a half years of my life.

fuck you. i hate you.

and that feeling, unlike the love i felt for you, will not fade anytime soon.

i hate you for stealing my dreams. i hate you for stealing my time. i hate you for making me wait for so long that i forgot what i was waiting for, much less, why i was okay with waiting.

i hate you for changing on me. i hate you for not being what i wanted you to be or what i thought you were. i hate you for not loving me the way that i needed to be loved. i hate you for the way i adapted to your lifestyle.

i hate you for not seeing that I needed help beyond what i was asking for your help with. and i hate you for giving me none of it. i hate you for making me think you were trying. i hate you for injecting your stress and anxiety and recluse lifestyle into my lighthearted outgoing lifestyle, and destroying who i was before i even noticed.

i hate your disease.

i hate that you are already looking.

i hate that you are trying to make me pay now.

i didn’t make you pay. not until the day i left you. and i hate myself for that.

because now it is over. it is in the past. it is water under the bridge. and all i am left with is hatred and bitterness. all i am left with are ideas about what i wanted my life to be. and i looked up and i’m not even in a place recognizable as anywhere remotely near where i wanted to be. i’m states away. and i don’t know how to find my way out. or how to find my way to a place i can call home.

and i think that is why i keep going back to this pedestal-ized person. because i feel like i need to be rescued. like i need to be loved and treated right. and even though i know that he won’t come to my rescue and love me and treat me right, because only i can get myself out of this one, it’s nice to have a distraction.

so i don’t have to think about you.

so i don’t have to think about what i have to do next. so i don’t have to wipe the slate clean and try not to hold your shortcomings against other people.

so i don’t have to call my lawyer. so i don’t have to sit across from you and listen to you, smiling at me like you know so much more than i do, you smug piece of shit.

so that i don’t have to think about the fact that even when this is over, technically, i will forever be tied to you.

there is no easy fix for this. there is no paper to sign that will fix it all.

it’s why i think i’ll be gone in a year’s time. i don’t fucking care where i go as long as i’m not here. but i’d hate to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you ran me off from 'your' city. but i’m also stubborn enough to think i’ll be here this time next year thinking the same things in the same places. just to piss you off.

or go places i know you will be with boys i like. just to get under your skin, because i think that might be the only thing that actually gets to you. just make out for ten minutes. right in front of you.

i can’t stand to be in the same place as you, all of your friends who are no longer my friends. and all of your legal advisors.

yeah, i abandoned you.

you broke me. you knew i was headed for a snap. and you pushed and pushed. and you took and took. and i fucking snapped. in a big big way.

all i want is out. all i want is for you to be the thing in my past that i’m driving away from. i want you and the life i had with you to be shrinking in my rearview.

i just created this little place. i bought all these things i felt i needed. and now it’s just a ton of shit i’m going to have to move again someday.

i’ll make you pay, asshole. i’ll fatten my pockets if you don't stop this. and i’m going to pay my parents what you took from them, too.

and then i’m going to leave. and i’m going to start over. and i’m going to pretend like i never fucking knew you.

it’ll be like winning the lottery you’ve been playing every day for the last ten years. sure, the pot is less than what you have spent playing over time, but it still feels like winning, because you can always forget that you spent all that time paying to play. all there is to recognize is the payoff.

i was also thinking this morning that i loved being 'married'. i liked knowing that i was a good wife. i liked belonging to only one person. i liked knowing that i’d always have my husband and that i'd never be alone. i’m so good at commitment. i’m great with loyalty.

i just picked the wrong person to try to do that with.

and i was so stubborn that i couldn’t let it go once i figured out that you were not the person i should be doing that with.

to think that i almost stayed with you, despite not being in love with you? almost unforgivable.

i have a whole new rash of regrets now. i look back on my life, and i see all these things strewn about. and they started as a few. i was so happy to say for the first twenty one years of my life that i had no regrets. but i wasn’t really being honest then.

because i’d already had a few, though the sentiment was accurate. i didn’t regret because i was happy with where i ended up, and knew my path there was the one i walked in on, regrets strewn along the way.

but now everywhere i look, they are all i can see. the mistakes far outnumber the regrets. and all i want to do is set fire to the place the road runs through. the road with all the things of my past that lay littering.

rtw 50. weather forecasts.


at approximately 11 am on sunday may 30th, the national weather service picked up a huge storm brewing.

it will be arriving momentarily.

take cover.

with this storm, there will be strong winds.

there will be intense lightning.

there is rumored to be football sized hail that will fuck your shit UP.

when it rains, it will flood.

do not let your guard down. there may be breaks in the downpour. but there will be more.

do not stand under trees. seek shelter indoors.

as we have seen while we tracked this storm, the calm that follows this particular line of storms is merely a precursor to the next, progressively stronger storm.

there is a possibility that this storm will wipe you off the face of the map. there is a chance that you won't recognize your surroundings after this storm passes.

cooler weather will follow this front.

be prepared to feel chilled to the bone.

revenge. may 30th.

i spent my day in a little sweet safe haven known as my-your.

luckily kit invited me over. i was on my way to her place when ever called to say we could just talk instead of meeting up.

of course, i was confused by this. i had texted him, asking if he had the info regarding the leases. because i wanted to get to the point and make it fast.

the main point of our meeting was to go over the leases for his roommate tenants and to discuss a mediator.

what he cared to share with me, for twenty minutes, while i walked to kit's and smoked a couple cigarettes was the following:

because i left the house, after 60 days, he no longer needs to include me in anything. it's his to deal with.

without using the word abandonment, that's what he was getting at.

and because he's there taking care of it and managing it, he doesn't feel that he owes me anything.

and because i left, he is only going to buy me out of my half of the house, as it is valued when i left.

which he obviously doesn't know. it was appraised a year ago.

and the kicker:

the rent checks are made out to his business. so it will count as income for him to qualify later to buy me out of it.

as for the legalities of these things, i don't know.

as for my rights, i don't know.

but i was shaking. i was so pissed.

i was really relieved to not have to see him in person.

he can't have all of these things.

he won't get them.

i have given him enough. isn't that the point? i'm done with the giving.

he has friends who are lawyers, apparently. like i have friends who are accountants. if he wants to split hairs with me about how much of the house i am entitled to, i'll fucking take him for every cent i ever let him borrow in my name. i'll show the paper trail of credit card receipts and our account statements that show the way we lived from my paycheck to my next paycheck for the majority of our seven years together.

i'll come and take all the equipment in my name on my credit card that is still on my name on my credit card.

and if he wants to be a dick and go this route, i'll put the bitch on the market faster than he can say appraisal. and watch him scramble to pull together money to try to pay for his legal fees.

i hate that he brings the worst out of me.

it's funny. just like our marriage, i explain shit to him repeatedly. and i don't know how, but he cannot wrap his head around it.

what he cannot understand despite my explaining is that he doesn't have to just come up with my half of the house money. and he won't just have to come up with the half that it is appraised at now.

before he goes adding value to it by painting and adding the deck and whatever other fucking ideas he has, he should realize that it's just going to make it harder for him to come up with the money to qualify for it later.

but it's not my place to tell him that. that's why he has a legal team. i'm kindof shocked he's putting so much into the house when he's going to be walking away from it defeated anyway.

i was fuming. i wrote this scathing letter to him. it's like five pages long in word. it was a writing exercise gone awry.

i mean, it's getting filed under the 'letters i'll never send' tag, but it felt good to write it.

kit had the perfect breakup soundtrack playing all day. i don't know how i didn't cry.

then we had falafel and later we had a beer and even later we had coconut cake.

if i'd been here at my place all day, i don't know what i'd have done.

my usual post-ever routine is: come home, freak out, call someone in my family, cry, write him a letter, and then feel better about the time the sun sets.

i tossed that all out the window today. i felt kindof dazed.

i told him that he can't collect rent, and have me stay on the mortgage without signing the lease, and paying me to stay on it as a rental property. that was not the agreement.

to think about how to proceed in light of that.

and reminded him that he had said $500 a month before.

which i don't think is fair necessarily. but i guess that is half.

oh, and he tried to make it so that he's looking out for me again. and said that he's not trying to be a shyster. that if i'm not on the lease and something happens to the house, that i wouldn't be responsible. that i could claim ignorance.

unlike his approach to life, claiming ignorance doesn't hold legal ground. or moral ground.

the more this thing goes on, the more i feel like he will continue to take from me.

i don't want to be the bitch ex wife who takes the husband to the cleaners. he has nothing to take anyway.

i don't want the situation to be worse than it is.

then he offered to let me sign the leases if i wanted to. but that they don't need to be signed by me. they're already signed and legally binding.

oh. and one of the roommates? is a paralegal.

it's making me panic.

all of it.

and i know that is his point.

he's cornering me. bullying me. because that is what people do when they are hurt.

but he'd really better not fuck with me.

because it might take me a little longer to figure out how to get even, but i'm very very good at revenge. and he will be incredibly sorry.

hear that ever?

fucking watch it.

oh, and if i didn't say it enough in that letter...

i fucking hate you. and what my life is right now, because of you.

just because i moved out, none of that shit is yours. i've got everything in my name to prove it.

if you fuck with me, i'll make you start over like i had to.

i hate that i ever loved you.

you're an asshole.

you're a selfish piece of shit.

somehow you do not feel bad about taking and taking and taking from me. after everything i have done for you.

and i fucking hate you right now.