par for the course. technically may 8th.

just me and a blue moon. almost two am.

tonight i learned the difference between what is known as friday night and what is known as saturday morning.

the bakery was closed. they changed the hours. and friday midnight is not the same thing as saturday midnight.

and my sister's team came from the far flung suburbs just to go to this bakery.

and made it after an interstate exit adventure.

only to find out that it was closed.


before that, i did redeem myself as the cool local, taking them to my favorite indian buffet. all sixteen of us in one party.

and that was a hit. but then they took a wrong turn when i tried to let the taxi who wedged himself between our caravan pass.

and then i had to go in search of them, trying to lead them to the interstate.

it sucked. what should have been a straight shot became a wild goose chase, because they kept moving. and i kept telling them through my dad on the phone that they just needed to park and stay put and that i'd come to them. and they kept moving. and moving.

i love my parents. so much.

but my father is the most annoying passenger side driver in the world. he has something to say about my driving and the roads and the cars and the drivers. all the things that make him so angry and all of the ridiculous things people do the their cars that he'd like to shove up their asses. racist comments about this group's driving and that group's cars.

telling me when to brake.

i was in the car, driving them around for the majority of the day today. and he is relentless. and i think he's starting to lose his hearing in one ear, because he's saying 'huh?' a lot. and talking really loudly.

of all the things my father says, i have two favorite phrases. and if he'd mixed them in today, it would have helped. but he didn't use either.

one is, 'aww...horseshit.' (pronounced 'horse sheeit') and the other is, 'that really burns my ass' which is sometimes slightly modified as, 'that really chaps my ass'.

everything made him angry. nothing chapped his ass.

everything i did was wrong. and i could have gotten over, i could have parked closer to the curb, i could have ignored the parking attendant and parked so we didn't have to walk so far. mom was cold all day, so we rode around in the stuffy car with the windows up. it was SEVENTY.

all of this comes from a place of a spotty three hour nap. i would say that i didn't sleep at all last night, but i woke up when the alarm went off, so i must have fallen asleep at some point.

it was really rough.

also, i smoke when i drive. a lot. and my parents loathe smoking, i don't do it around them at all. and mom is asthmatic, so i never smoke in the car when they're around.

and being in the car all day, stuck in traffic was a recipe for disaster without smokes.

we were in the sun all day. it was nice, i wanted to get a little sunburn.

i wore this shirt i bought maybe four years ago, but never wore. i couldn't fit into it when i bought it. i was at my heaviest, and couldn't get it on over my head.

it's made out of a pillowcase. which sounds rediculous, but it's a spectacular shirt. and it is seventies cotton weighty goodness.

really really nice. ruffly trim and thick criss cross straps with an open back.

so i now have funny shaped sunburn patches. some triangles. trapezoids. and a pink nose.

mom told me a funny story today, from my terrible twos. she kept telling me to put on sunblock. and i kept telling her i don't believe in sunblock, that i wanted a little sun.

but once i got a little burned, i didn't want any more sun, and we were sitting out in the open, watching my sister's race.

and she said that i was stubborn from birth. and that i made her read a book called 'the strong willed child' when i was still an only child, before i was three.

and she would tell me to pick something up.

and i would say no.

and she would tell me again, 'pick it up'.

and i would refuse. and ball my tiny hands into fists. so that i could physically not pick up the thing she wanted me to.

and she would take my balled fists by the wrists, and use them to pick the something up.

and i was cracking up about it, i'd never heard that story before.

and i thanked my father. because that is his gene pool working its magic.

and when i was sunburnt and getting cranky from lack of sleep, mom kept telling me to put on the sunblock.

and i refused.

and without a word, she took my hands and pushed them towards the bottle of sunblock.

so today wasn't all bad. that made me laugh. because at first, i was like, 'what is she DOING?' and then i realized she was trying to make me pick up the sunblock.

but the rest of the day was one snag after another.

everything we were doing with aubree and her team was on the opposite side of the city from where i live.

we were on our way to dinner when aubree called and said that she wanted to have dinner with us. so we went to go get her.

and got pulled into the sixteen person dinner outing.

followed by the bakery disaster.

nothing was easy today. not a thing.

everything had its issues.

tomorrow is mother's day. we don't know what we're doing for mom yet. but we'll do something.

and supposedly, my brother is getting engaged this weekend. he's asking her, anyways.

and i don't want him to.

not because it's not right.

but because i don't want him to end up like me.

because aubree's team didn't qualify today, it means that tomorrow will be relatively simple. instead of watching a day full of races, there is only one to watch and it's early.

so we should have a pretty easy day tomorrow. except that it will start early.

all i want is to sleep.

all day would be nice.

but i cannot waste my short time with my family in bed alone.

at least tonight i made the air mattress. last night was a disaster.

i tried to cram myself onto the tiny couch. and there was no way. so i took the cushions off and moved to the floor. and fought to stay on them, like a life raft at sea all night, sleeplessly. fitfully.

i feel how i felt the night of going out with nate. i feel how i felt the next day. because that day i was up at six am, and in bed at 6 pm. today i was up at five am, and i'm in bed now at 218. at least i feel like i'll be asleep soon. i'm beyond wiped out. the sun soaks the life out of me every time. there's nothing as good as coming home from the beach or the lake tired. because sleep is great after.

i didn't accomplish anything here. i complained a lot. problem solved and troubleshooted none.

not productive.

but further, exhausting.


njosnavelin is the new heysatan. may 6th.

it would be nice to have a day that wasn't classified as rough.

but i think that might take a while.

i feel like i'm constantly two seconds from a panic attack.

i feel like i'm talking myself down all day, every day.

i feel like i can't stop thinking.

and it's not even productive logical thinking. it's brain-consuming wasteful worrying.

and if i'd been worrying about the right things, i wouldn't have gotten a parking ticket.

if i was thinking, i wouldn't have had to make two trips to work today.

'if you weren't thinking, you wouldn't have thought that.'

maybe i'll watch the sandlot with my parents on sunday. that would be nice.

the gang's all here. aubree is off with her team, but mom and dad got in tonight. we had dinner at no gringos. i hadn't been there since before valentine's day, when we split up.

i feel like the waitress was probably wondering why my husband wasn't with us.

but that is neither here nor there.

it seems like i can't stop thinking about how he is processing all of this.

i sent him an email last night, detailing the info from the lawyer. and he hasn't responded yet, which is precisely what i expected.

and i'm afraid that when he does, it will be with a lawyer's advice. i figure if nothing else, he'll know someone who has a friend who will help him on his end.

i don't know. i guess mostly i think about what i know, and i worry about what i don't.

i found out today that despite his bragging about paying the mortgage early and on time, that after that one time that he did, this month he didn't.

he paid it on the third.

and the ways that this bit of information affects me are pretty complicated.

i think he did what i did. i think he was banking on the tax return money being there, and spent too much. just like i did.

and then i think he didn't have it.

until two days after it was due.

but the thing is, if he's already pushing it, the future will only get harder.

i feel like i can't judge him for making the same mistake that i did. but i also feel like he probably has a much better understanding of what it takes to do it. after that first easy month.

which must be why the mystery person moved in.

it must be humbling for him.

and i'm considerate enough to not rub it in his face. but i made a mental note.

and worse, i have to babysit the mortgage account so our house doesn't get foreclosed upon.

and it makes my email have more weight to it now, because i talked about him paying the mortgage on time and that the house goes on the market if he breeches the contract we'll have to set up.

i don't know. i liked not worrying about it. i liked thinking that he was so proud of handling it all.

and i can rest easy knowing that he isn't fucking up my credit. the house is the only thing he is responsible for that has my name on it.

i asked him if he wanted to see my family, if only to say hi. they did show interest in seeing him. more for him than for them, but it is there.

and it will be interesting to see what he does. if he just avoids me until they leave town.

or whatever.

my dad started to get fired up about the lawyer's advice. about the business, mostly. but i made them change the subject because i was driving and fighting tears and i'm so saturated, i just can't take it. and i can't take hearing what they think on top of what i think and what the lawyer thinks and what i think he thinks.

too much thinking.

but having them here pushed me to get the apartment as settled as i could. i could not have done it without my sister. i have said probably ten times that if she wasn't here, i would have just been crying in bed and not doing anything because it is all so overwhelming.

what is funnier is that i needed to be managed.

like a little fledgeling divorcee.

i liked things when they were in vacation mode at my-your apartment. when i had spare time and was writing and reading and doing things i never made time for because i was too busy tending to him and his needs. it was a retreat.

and how aptly i named it my halfway house, that now it is back to reality.

the safe bubble has burst. the easy part is over now.

too bad i couldn't be in this apartment for the easy part.

because i don't want this place to be associated with the hard part.

and it already is.

i was laying in bed last night. wide awake, as per the recent usual. it was probably about three am. and i was staring at the foreign ceiling above my bed. and i just thought, 'how did i end up here?'

and it killed me.

at the precise moment i thought it, that same song that made me cry the other day came on. and i lost it again.

njosnavelin is the new heysatan.

every. single. time.

and i thought, 'but i am afraid. i came through the light, and i AM afraid'. the opposite sentiment of what the song imparts.

and not in the girly, insecure kind of a way. where i feel like i need protection.

i am afraid of what the next six months will be like. i am afraid of what my life is going to be when my family leaves and it is just me. again.

last night when i was still working on this place, i was listening to my workout mix. and i was screaming along to black eyes. i hate that they broke up after only one album. they were fucking AMAZING. the whole album is solid. really great when you're angry.

but i had the overwhelming desire to go the gym. if i hadn't already made plans with kit to go to the bar for cinco de mayo at eight, i would have gone right then, while i had the urge.

i feel it coming.

when the dust settles, i'm going to get back into it.

i'm going to drag either kit or rob with me, because i can usually only stick to going every day if there is someone to hold me accoutable.

i'm ready. when i'm angry, it helps almost as much as screaming at the top of my lungs.

something else happened yesterday.

the girl who was the maid of honor at our wedding tagged us in our wedding pictures, which i hid from my albums right after i moved out of the house.

i have a lot of issues to resolve with her, and most of the time i think it is a waste of time.

i didn't talk to her over the last seven years.

before that, she was my best friend, via telephone for many years.

then, right after our wedding, i forgot her birthday.

and she never spoke to me again.

it was awful. at the time we got married, she lived eight states away, but she was my best friend.

and then it was over. she dropped me faster than i thought she could.

and since then, we reconnected. before the house. it was a fluke. her email account got hacked. and i'd been having dreams with her in them for about a month before that.

so when i got the email that i knew was spam, i emailed her back one morning upon waking.

and we talked over email. saying that we'd always thought about each other, and that despite not ever trying to talk to me, she still referred to me as her best friend.

and one day in the house, she called me. and we talked and both apologized for stopping the talking. and had a cry because we both dicked out on each other. i hear marianne hawthorne saying 'that's her best friend' in my mind. from harriet, when she's reading the part in her journal to the kids, and her tone is so sad.

but every time i called her after that, she never answered. and she would say in text or in email that she would call me. but she never did.

and so i never told her about our problems.

and i never told her that we split.

and then i got home from cinco de mayo beers, and i'm staring myself down in black and white photographs.

white dress and all. flowers. ever in a suit. the wedding party. an expecting nina and my teenage sister. with the guy who married us. who has since gone to jail for getting caught with crack. he was ever's boss at the time. and his life since then has completely derailed.

what a fucking MESS.

it was not what i was expecting.

i've been schlepping around the wedding photo books since i left. obviously, i haven't wanted to see them.

and it sucks. i was smiling. i must have been happy then.

it was so long ago. and i look so young.

and i was so foolish.

what was i thinking?

i'm going to get about a four hour nap tonight.

tomorrow is going to blow.

i have a catering and i have to wake up at five am.

i'm wide awake. because this is my new sleep schedule. staying up until three am every night.

and i'm on the couch, because i gave my parents my bed.

and it's tiny. and i'm going to feel ill tomorrow.

but everything is going to be okay.

mom's three hugs and dad's two hugs already made things a little bit easier.

when my mom hugs me, i just go back to being the scared little kid i was all those years ago.

crying in my mom's arms. scared from the nightmare i was having.

only now i'm twice as big, and the nightmare is my waking life.

it was funny, when i was tucking them in, mom asked if i wanted to crawl into bed and sleep with them. because they'd make room for me.

i told them they should just have sex in my bed, since i won't be using it for that for a while. that someone should enjoy it...

it was nice to have a laugh after my awful day.

i've made a huge mistake.

four dollars a month. i just have to keep reminding myself.

four dollars a month. and when this is all behind me, i will feel so much better. i just want it to be over quickly and painlessly, and that is not going to happen.

'if i ever feel better'

weirdest video, or one of. but that song is so good for me. in my mind, i'm building my spring mix. it's gonna be kickass. i keep thinking of songs and forgetting. maybe i'll put it on here until i have a computer that can build mixes again. in no particular order, i cannot forget:

1. if i ever feel better - phoenix
2. gorgeous thing - thao nguyen
3. chemo limo - regina spektor
4. njosnavelin - sigur ros
5. walters - pinback (i know... it was on winter, but it is stuck on me)
6. vaka - sigur ros (for good measure)
7. when we swam - thao & the get down stay down
8. beat - thao & the get down stay down
9. (track 6) - ida

tonight would have been a three beer night. i'd have settled for two because i have to be up early, and cannot wake up feeling worse than just sleep deprived. but because of the parents, i just had a couple sips of wine. glug glug straight out of the bottle.

and a bunch of water.

i have to try to sleep.

manic mode continues. i feel like i could go on writing forever. working things out. processing via little clicking white keys.

like everything else, it's short lived.

being an adult sucks.

and you never understand when you're nineteen. and everyone is telling you 'these are the best years of your life, enjoy them'.

you never understand how right they are.

until they are behind you. and then you're the one telling the nineteen year olds. and they're floating on, not paying a bit of attention to the crazy 'old' person.

my sister is in that part of her life now. she walks around with about three or four hours of sleep under her belt, on average. i miss those days.

some days lately, i walk around feeling like i just dropped acid. like right now. and like i will tomorrow.

tonight i spent a full five minutes looking for my phone in my bag. i was talking to my sister. on it.

right now, sleeping in the bathtub sounds like a good idea. empty, of course. i don't have a death wish. but just stretching out in it. if i could somehow still float, that would be sweet.

it was a horrible day.

i feel like i've had about all i can take. and now i also feel unlucky. and that is a toxic combination. i keep making five second decisions that have lasting effects. and they're expensive.

i was begging aloud today. i'd say praying, but i really don't pray.

'please please please, no...'

'please please please, let this work.'

about a few different things i was trying to accomplish.

only one worked.

and i can't help but to feel like i'm about to start getting my paybacks for fucking up ever's life, and mine as a result.

i need to work on my guilt issues.

but more than that, i need to try to go to sleep. now.

the only way out is through. cinco de mayo.

i don't even know where to start.

i feel like i was picked up, chewed up, spit out, jumped on, and then run over by a city bus.

the day started off rough. i woke up and aubree was already up, setting up the kitchen. she got a call that changed our morning plans, and that had us rushing around to get places at times much earlier than she'd been told.

which was ok. but i was exhausted, and was looking forward to the last chunk of time i'll have with her before sunday.

and it disappeared rather quickly.

she's been such a workhorse. building things, setting things up, cleaning. while i pace the apartment and try to remember what i was trying to do.

it's been an exercise in breathing. and in saying calming things to myself.

i didn't really talk to myself before. but i do now. because there isn't anyone to say things to the majority of the time.

but i have tried to prevent panic attacks a few times a day lately. luckily, i'm succeeding for the most part. but it's making me want to start drinking and not stop.

so i took her to the place she had to be. and it just happened to be one building away from my good friend rob.

so i called rob, and he just happened to be there. so i went to visit.

i love rob. he was my best friend here for a while. he brings sweet things to my stores, and it became a habit for two years to have mondays with rob. we'd talk for an hour at least, and lament, vent, rally, whatever we needed that week.

i have been missing him lately, and it had been a while since we've had a heart-to-heart. he's going through some heavy shit. i'm going through some heavy shit. so we trade stories, and encourage each other.

so i got to spend over an hour today talking with him. of everything he said, when i was talking about the emotional end of what i'm dealing with right now, he said 'tea, the only way out is through.'

and towards the end, i told him i had to go. because today was lawyer day, and i had to be there in just over an hour, after stopping by the stores first. and i fought tears. because i'm tired. and i cry when i'm tired.

we had a great conversation. his family has built this apartment for him above the bakery. it looks like a luxury suite, it's just incredible. but he has slowly been moving into the place, and now pretty much lives where he works.

so we sat on his couch and talked. we talked only a little business. he went through his personal life, i went through mine. we made each other laugh. we talked about ever. we talked about his ex girl. and how the two of them complicate our lives and make things impossible. i've been helping him through his stuff for a while now, and as i was standing up to walk out, he said that it's time to focus on fixing me now. and to make me smile again. and i smiled genuinely.

he walked me out to my car and i left for work, and for the lawyer. he always gives me a kiss on the cheek and a hug when i see him and when one of us leaves. today when he was hugging me, i told him i love him and that i hope things get easier for him. he said he loves me too, and wished me luck.

it was heartwarming. i need more friends like rob. he makes me feel like a good person, because i have the honor of knowing him.

so i ran my errands quickly, and somehow made it to the lawyer without getting lost. a small miracle.

to set this up, what i went to the lawyer thinking was altogether different from what i left there knowing.

i went there thinking that i was filing for divorce today, and wasn't sure if i was filing for separation before that. the nice lady on the phone had told me that the consult was an hour, $275. which was a tough pill to swallow. but she also had said that when i came in, we could fill out the paperwork, and that the lawyer would only help me with the things i need help with, to save time and money.

so i'm thinking: $275. paperwork filed. done.

this is what i left knowing:

in addition to the $275, i have to pay $300 to file.

in addition to that, i have to pay a retainer. when i pay the retainer, she is going to fill out the paperwork to file for the divorce.

my retainer... $2800.

fuck my life.

it costs something like $50 to get married? $125? i don't remember. it was 7 years ago.

i don't have 2800 spare dollars laying around. i don't have 300 or 275 either.

i don't have $3375.

guess what mom and dad? me again...

i left there knowing that selling the house is the only option. that we can delay the inevitable by signing a contract that says that he has x amount of time until it goes on the market.

and if by some turn of events he can come up with the money by then, then he can pay the full price.

and if not, it goes on the market.

basically, she told me what our marital assets are. i didn't know that we had any.

his business is one. i have to decide if i want to cut and run, and take a chunk of money to sign away my rights. or if i want to stay involved because it is half mine (because it was started in the marriage) and take cuts of what he makes.

i want to cut and run.

obviously, if one of his employees makes it, then i'd be fucking myself royally. and i've always believed that would happen. it's why i invested for so many years.

because he has the house and the business, he has all the assets. because i have the car and the credit card, i have $1000 in marital assets.

the disparity is alarming.

in any case, she is representing me. i had hoped we could use her together, but that's not how it works.

so if he can come up with that amount of money, then he can get a lawyer, too. and his lawyer will probably advise him to get alimony from me.

and if that happens, his lawyer would also advise him to not sign anything and drag it out. because he can collect until the divorce is final. and he could make that take up to two years.

i cannot even imagine having to carry him for two more years, when that was the reason why i left.

my back is broken from carrying him.

there's a lot i'm leaving out, probably because it was entirely too much information to attempt to soak up. seems like i'm getting caught off guard a lot lately. and this was not good. combined with the surprise roommate and the move-in, it's starting to get pretty overwhelming.

i'm starting to freeze up. i'm starting to fall apart a little.

i just got interrupted by a call from rob, checking up on me.

it was funny... at the law office, the nice lady from the phone was talking to me for about 20 minutes, because i got there early.

and she knew a lot of my story from trying to set up the consultation, so she had an idea of where i am mentally. but she asked if there was someone new with a twinkle in her eye.

and i said emphatically 'no' and that there won't be for a long while.

and she asked if i thought i'd be a single mom. and i told her i'd been thinking about it, because of my age and because of this divorce adventure. and that i don't prefer it, but that because of my age that i had to think of it as an option.

and she said that she deals with a lot of adoption cases and divorce cases (family law) and that from talking to me, that she thought it would work for me, if something else doesn't.

i'm so determined. i'm so committed to having a better life.

and if that means a life without a husband and a white picket fence, then so it goes.

i don't want to be alone.

but if i end up that way, then it is what it is.

i have to talk to ever. and i don't want to. it's overdue. and i just don't want to have to deal with him.

it's so much easier when i don't have to.

the only thing worse than making a huge mistake is making a really expensive one.

nina put it so well, though.

it will cost something like $4 a month for the rest of my life to not have to be married to ever anymore.

and that, my friend, is worth it.

permanence. may 3rd.

i learned some things about myself today.

i didn't have a good first night's sleep at the place, as i thought would be the case. i will be tired for a few days, i think.

i don't know if i will recover from the move anytime this week.

my calves are sore from balancing heavy things on them while opening and closing car doors, my trunk, and apartment doors. and trips up and down the stairs.

i could use a backrub. haven't had one of those in a very long time.

worked this morning, then drove to another store to work there. it was quiet, so i got some deep cleaning done.

i saw ever's doctor. who was my friend first.

and it made me feel like a child in a way. 'he was my friend first'.

i have that feeling about a few people. but mostly, everyone was his friend first. and that's why they aren't my friends anymore.

it makes me sad to have lost a big chunk of people that i thought were my friends. but i guess if they were really my friends that they wouldn't have shunned me.

luckily, i got to keep all of the best ones.

so i talked to dr doug. and he just looked so sad, but he did ask me how i was doing, how ever was doing. how everything was going.

and when he left, i felt better than when he walked up to chat.

in any case, something interesting happened. cat told one of my customer-friends that she was helping me because of what i'm going through, and when she asked what happened, she only told her that i left ever.

and she came back, with another nurse, to chat and pick up a cup of coffee. she had left the name of a book with cat that morning. and said that she only knew that little bit of info.

the nurse is also going through a divorce, and she thinks she's headed toward one.

a few christmases ago, she gave me a caramel covered apple.

and now, divorce advice. or support might be the better word. but we just talked, and i fought tears. and they nodded in agreement about things i was saying. she just said that she was there, and to keep my chin up.

it was nice.

i love having customers who are more than customers. i'm so involved with so many of their lives, and while it makes it hard, because everyone asks about ever and the house, it's also nice when they know to learn about their pasts and present and to have an extended network of support.

it felt good.

then i went to my shrink.

and that's when i learned a little more about myself. which is why i go. which makes me very happy.

we talked about permanence. i told her about ever having a roommate that was a surprise. i told her about the new apartment, and how unhappy i am with it.

and what she said, towards the end, was 'that's a lot of permanence for one day'.

it explained perfectly how i was feeling.

my whole existence is changing.

this weekend was critical. going to the house and emptying it. moving into my place, where i'm going to rebuild and start over and live my new life.

and the way she explained it was that i'm now at the place where i'm sitting in the repercussions of my decision to leave ever. and until this weekend, things were temporary fixes. things could have been undone.

but now i'm at the point where there's no going back.

and though i knew it, and didn't even want to go back, it's very concrete now.

i didn't cry. i expected to.

i talked about the other night, the reasons why i couldn't sleep. that i don't miss ever. that i miss the house and the dog. that i hate being a renter and that i love being a homeowner.

and it was funny, too, because i summed up the landlord situation in relation to the apartment.

and she agrees that i need to feel good about the apartment, because it is my starting point, and will come to be very important to me over the next year. and without using the word, said that i need a sanctuary. a place to go when i have a shitty day, to recover and feel better.

and also that i might have a problem with authority, or more specifically, other people's rules.

and this is so true.

it is why i am a manager.

i have never dealt well with people managing me. because i know what to do. i find the best and most efficient way to do it. and every manager i've ever had left room for improvement.

i've had fights with managers at past jobs. because i would try to help them, or better yet, tell them how things could be done in a better way. and it wasn't well received. one of my strengths is that i'm very open to suggestions. and i'll ask my employees from time to time for their take on things, or ideas that they have. and if someone is great at managing, i let them have more space to do things their way, but not lose sight of them.

i hate arbitrary rules that do nothing to help the business. i once got fired from a job i had for three years because i threw garbage in an empty box. because it belonged in the trash can.

three years with one company. never called out. wasn't late more than a handful of times in the three years, and never by much. i was super dedicated, loyal, and i was a great employee.

and he fired me because of a boxful of trash.

fought that one. got unemployment for a year before the wedding and moving here. it was sweet.

so to say that i have problem with authority, in general, maybe isn't entirely accurate. i'm not an anarchist. i do think there needs to be order, especially in business. but i know that there's more than one way to get something accomplished, and to be successful. and shitty rules do not make that happen.

this is all in line with landlord. having to deal with a landlord again is a huge HUGE step backward for me, in my mind.

there are not words for how much i loathe being a renter.

just like at work, i treat everything like it's mine, like i own it. and when it comes to living space, the same holds true. ever trashed every apartment we had with his work. but i tried to minimize the effect always.

so i got somewhere with her today, mentally. and that was reassuring.

then my sister's plane landed, and i left from the shrink to the airport.

having my sister here is awesome.

i miss her so much. she's such a cool kid. she's got it so together for being 21. and we make each other laugh. to tears,

she brought me the raddest housewarming gift.

when i got my camera at home in december, we were goofing off with it at my grandparents' house when i took it out of the box.

and i took all these silly pictures of us, super close up. making funny faces.

and this one picture, we both agreed it was our favorite makes me laugh every time i see it. because it is just how we are when we're together. goofy. fun.

and she had her friend transfer the outline onto a small canvas. and she turned it into an abstracted black and white painting.

and it is AMAZING.

she set it up well, too. she said 'i think i might have outdone myself with this one'.

and she did.

i put it on the wall within minutes of seeing it for the first time. and it's the first thing you see when you walk in the door.

i absolutely adore it.

i love the thought she put into it. i love that she had her friend paint it. i love the picture she chose. it is just awesome.

i worked out some things in the novel about hanging things on walls. and it is a feeling i'm having now.

wanting to make a place feel like my own, by putting things up for people to see that are a reflection of me.

i have a few paintings i made, they aren't up yet. they were never up in the house.

i have a painting nina gave me a long time ago. but it's not up yet.

i'm thinking about how to fix the walls here. whether a coat of white paint will do it, or if i do have to get creative with the fabric and wood and build huge colored panels.

it's probably cliche, but i like having awesome picture frames, hung on the wall empty. with no glass or anything, so it's just a frame on the wall. and that was something i was thinking of doing.

art is just so important to me. it's huge part of my life. and i want my living space to reflect that.

anyways, she told me the place isn't as bad as i think it is. that mom and dad are going to be fine. that it does need paint, and that she will help me to clean and organize tomorrow so i feel better before they get here.

then we went to the baseball game.

it was awesome until i got a headache.

i screamed my head off and paid too much for two beers.

but it was a lot of fun. i'm glad we got to go.

i've been screaming a lot lately. ever since that day with kenna.

it feels great to vent. i don't know why i never did this before.

i am quiet when i'm angry. i think those days might be over.

then we came home and she was on the phone, so i grabbed a box and put things where they go. and separated boxes of things i'd hurriedly packed at the house before i moved out. one box had a blanket, a cake pan, books, and movies. i had a lot of boxes like that to try to make sense of. l

but she was on the phone for a while. and i only have four boxes left in the bedroom to sift through.

and there's a path now to the kitchen. and i broke down maybe ten boxes.

i feel better already.

i like when my shrink tells me i'm not crazy. and when she sxplains the reasons why i feel the way i feel. or at least gives me insight. and she doesn't make molehills out of things that feel like mountains.

today was a good day. i'm beat. it's after two. i'm awake.

welcome to manic mode. i hope it ends soon. otherwise i might collapse.

i get to sleep in tomorrow. and then take my sister to work with me, but only for a little while. and we'll go to lunch. and hang out and talk.

i'm so glad to have her here. i hate that i live so far from her.

i'm so lucky to have her.

and i try to tell her that i realize how lucky i am. pretty often.

and now...sleep.

letter to a landlord. may 2nd.

dear passive aggressive landlord:

see, the thing is, i kinda liked that ashtray.

i was miffed when i saw that you put it in the trash.

didn't read the no smoking on the stoop clause in our landlord tenant agreement.

what with the state of this building, i really didn't see anything tacky about it.

i went to clean it out and pull it out of the trash. and it was gone. thank you for that.

maybe it only cost eight bucks. but it was my eight bucks. and if you didn't like it, you could have said so. i would have put it back at my-your apartment. they were fine with it there. kept all my cigarette butts off the street and sidewalk.

see? i'm passive aggressive too. i want to be heavy footed and tromp around above your apartment all day and all night. bang into your door on my way up the crooked stairs. slam the front door outside of your bedroom every single time i go in and out.

because what can you say about it? keep it down? that wouldn't be appropriate, now would it?

but i'm also pleasant most of the time.

i think that we might have some words. in the not too distant future.

because the walls in here? they aren't even white. i understand that you had people paint the walls lavender and mauve and orange and fucking royal blue. and that they are the reason why i'm not allowed to paint. despite offering to let you approve the colors first.

i wouldn't paint it any of those colors. i like creamy greens and blues. not pastels. just creamy.

your cheap white primer is ugly. and i know the walls were those colors because of the shit cover up job you did when they left.

and i'm going to build wall sized panels to cover what you call spackling. that is really a pathetic attempt at a patch job.

have you ever heard of a sander? this is not what people are talking about when they say that they like texture on the walls. not in the least.

and about the ants that live in the bathroom? how is that even possible? there's no food in there. where are they coming from?

they don't pay rent. they are not invited. i'd appreciate it if you did something about that.

but i bought spray today, because i know that you will not.

i knew when you lit into me about the dog. i knew that i should not give you my money. but i was in a bind.

and apparently, you were, too. only i acted on mine.

and after being here all of a few hours, in and out, in the last few days, i'm going to guess that yours was entirely made up. i can't think of anyone else desperate enough to try to take this apartment. i'd try to sublet in a few months after i get over the initial shock of being here. but i don't know that i could find anyone crazy enough to take the place.

i bet i was the only sucker biting the line. i know that trick, by the way. the 'people are lined up waiting' trick. i've used it once. it totally worked. this must be my paybacks. nine years later...

and it's far too late now. but the rent is too much for what you get.

you should have seen the place that i fell in love with. same price. really really nice place. two blocks from here. same street. awesome wood floors without holes cut around the radiators. a beautiful white bathroom. big tub. tiled walls. thresholds covering the lips that will probably break all of my toes throughout the next year that i'll be stuck here.

the trick about not telling your renter that you live there was also a good one.

how could you bitch about all the work you had to do to show the apartment when i was digesting your words? you live below it! since when is being a landlord such hard work? i doubt you've lifted a finger on the place in the last five years.

i didn't care for the carpet. but it was better than your shit tile job.

i can already tell. you're an asshole. and the worst thing is? you're an asshole who thinks he's a nice guy. a 'cool' guy.

yeah. i saw your shoes. that you made by hand. if only you cared so much about your building.

and just so you know? i'd KILL for access to the back yard. i'd love to have a grill out there. and a lawnchair and my kiddie pool from last summer.

i'd even be willing to dress in head to toe cloth to deal with what is growing back there. i'd clear out the whole thing. to the tens.

and all i'd ask in return is to be able to use it. but i think i already know that it could never happen. so the jungle will stay intact. and neither of us will use it.

maybe someday i'll tell you all of these things.

or maybe you'll hear my dad bitching about it during his stay. loudly. right outside your door.

but until that happens? i'll just write mean blog posts about you.

because i'm more passive aggressive than you.

you'll get yours, sir.

i just don't know what i'm going to do yet.

it'll come to me in about two days.



crash and burn. mayday part 2.

i cannot pull it together.

i can't sleep.

i can't stop crying.

i don't know what it is.

sigur finally broke me down. () untitled 4 njosnavelin, specifically.

i spent a little time, and it loosely translates into 'i traveled through the light, i am not afraid', and 'in this lake of souls, i lose all fear'.

which is kindof funny. because this is all about my fears. i love when things work out that way.

first it was my parents, seeing me like this. this fear i have. i don't want to let them down. i don't want to disappoint them. and embarrass them. i am 32. i have nothing to show for my efforts. not a thing.

then it was a missed connection.

and then it was squeaky missing senor.

i feel like i'm dying inside. piece by piece i keep saying goodbye to things. and burying them. all these little deaths in my life.

and i have a very hard time with goodbyes. and i've never been good at dealing with death, so why would i have any easier a time of it now?

i know that it's because it is my last night here. for real.

it's like how, going home and dealing with this, was like a vacation.

living here was a vacation.

and i just don't want to go back to real life.

the house is killing me.

and i wish it had absolutely nothing to do with someone taking my place there. but it does.

because someone has their little portion of the house, all carved out. nice and neat. sections of rooms of their stuff. cabinets.

it felt really really bad walking into that surprise.

and against our agreement, he did it behind my back. because he didn't tell me that anyone had moved in. it's my house, too. and as long as i am on the mortgage, i am responsible for what goes on there. and he doesn't have the right to rent out rooms without my permission.

i wish it was just the building. which is what it was all day today.

but not tonight. staring at the ceiling.

sometimes when i cry, i don't want to dry my eyes. because i think about how i look with tear streaked eyes. and it makes me even more sad.

i needed to cry all day. to release this welling emotion. and i couldn't do it. i felt nothing. i was sad, but there was no pain.

i wish i could do it in a screaming rant, that i could laugh about for days later. weeks, even.

but it isn't like that.

i really would have liked to have had someone to talk to tonight. and the thing is, if i'm supposed to be alone, then i shouldn't be so disappointed.

i had a few conversations, but they weren't about me, and i didn't want to veer off the road with this mess.

so i didn't.

but just having a friend. a person. two ears. in the flesh. giving me a hug.

that would have helped. immensely.

i was thinking about it a minute ago, staring out the window. instead of writing a whole story, i thought i'd just put it here.

i wish i had learned morse code when i was a kid.

i wish that when i was a kid, i'd lived in a neighboring house, and used flashlights to communicate. like in 'big'.

because i'd love to have someone standing outside my window all these years later, flashing a message in to me right now with a flashlight. beckoning me, down and out the stairs in my pajamas.

it could only be better if it was raining.

it could be the end of a movie, almost.

just flashing 'i am here':

dot-dot, dot-dash dash-dash, dot-dot-dot-dot dot dot-dash-dot dot