fuck june. june 17th.

you know, i am trying.

actively trying not to cry, and failing miserably.

today? i cried on my way to delaware, at the office, and leaving the office. and then kenna texted me and then called, because she was worried about me. and i answered the phone bawling.

i couldn't even talk i was driving and crying so hard. it was not safe. i got to the airport and didn't even remember any of the drive. but i was going slow, in the crawl of i-left-the-office-too-late traffic.

i had one tiny good thing, which i was very nervous about, to look forward to this week. and it got dashed by a sick day. and it was more than i could bear.

asshole tenant woke me up at 7 this morning, 45 whole minutes before my alarm, by telling me that he didn't care whose cock he has to suck, he'll get me my money today.


i think i'm at day twelve of 'i'll pay rent tomorrow'. so far he has offered to pay two months at once, gone to cash in his trust, waited for the bank to handle his trust cash (because you can't just 'pick up 35k'), and borrowed from friends. and somehow? no money for me.

i loathe being lied to.

* * *

about as much as i hate feeling like a sucker. and i have felt stupid for the last two weeks.

i have felt strung along in a lot of ways. and i can't put myself through it.

or let other people put me through it.

why can't people just say what they intend? why can't someone's words have meaning? why can't i bank on what i'm being told?

i am repeatedly disappointed. and i have so much that is wrong with my life right now that nothing feels good at all. even what should be good is a source of stress and anxiety and worry and sadness.

i want to get into bed. and not come out for a week. see if things are any better when i emerge. i have spent more time in bed this past week than i am okay with. i have spent so much time actually crying, not just feeling like crying, that i am having to rethink the hormone ring. is that what is putting me over the edge on a daily basis? when real life problems put me on the cliff, is the ring what makes me feel like jumping off of it?

and fucking WHY go through it at all? i have not yet seen the benefit of the fucking thing, and it's been two weeks of having headaches and feeling like a wreck. for what?

maybe this weekend will change things for me. maybe i'll get what i need. maybe i'll hear some magical words, and maybe there will finally be an envelope of money under my door.

maybe the utilities will consider me separate from ever, and not come after me for the money. maybe i can get my personal finances back on track.

maybe i'll fucking cheat, and get the home equity line of credit. maybe i'll feel like i can breathe again.

because right now? right now i keep realizing in hindsight that i've been holding my breath. in so many aspects of my life. only to realize that it's a stupid thing to do.

no more holding of my breath. i'm having a hard enough time functioning without depriving my brain of oxygen.

what's funny is, this is SUMMER. this isn't winter. winter is when you're supposed to feel like this. when i did feel like this last. and how stupid is it to feel like this when it's not seasonally appropriate?

i'm going to get out of bed. and shower. and help lauren move into storage. and then not hold my breath, and see what happens to the rest of my day.

and even though i don't want to get my hopes up, we'll see if something so wonderful happens that i feel foolish for doubting any of it over the last two weeks.

i have to re-train myself yet again, if that's not the case. because i will not put myself through this. i have come too far. and worked too goddamn hard to lose the ground i've gained over the last year plus.

i'm already trying to re-train myself. i have been for a few days now. but yesterday was a litmus test that proved i've gotten nowhere to this point, in that aspect.

i really hope the pile of failures doesn't grow by one. i have had my fill of disappointment this week. and i refuse to continue on this way.

if i can just figure out how to get out of this hole, i'll be happier on the other side of it. i want the happy tea of one month ago. carefree, confident, lovesick tea. on top of the world tea. cloud ten tea. that problems seemed to roll right off of. tea who struggled with 'how do i deserve this amazingness in my life?'

because mopey tearsoaked tea is more than even i can handle. i've been searching for optimism actively. and trying to tease myself with tiny rewards. only to have them disappear repeatedly.

i will be okay. everything will be okay. i will give myself another week of feeling shitty, and trying to think positive. and shrink will help me on tuesday. i know she will. four days until i get another dose of help.

just... keep... going...

dead beat. june 15th.

this week is proving to be a little more than i can handle, i think.

my body has been shutting down, which never happens. i went to bed at 1045 on monday night, and before 10 last night. i know it's a depressed state of being thing. i really feel like i could get into my bed and not get out for a few days. and honestly not even care.

i kindof just want to hide. and not come out until it's next week.

i've been having nightmares every night for i think a week now.

last night was the first time i didn't wake up stressed, and all i could remember when i woke up was that ever was in my dream. not as my husband, but he was just there as an ex. i don't remember anything else about it. but i didn't wake up wanting to cry or angry, so it couldn't have been a nightmare.

it's a small step up from nightmares of people dying, along with the horrible-work and general being-chased/bad-things-happening varieties.

waking life has felt a lot like a nightmare, and i say that despite becoming aware of being overly dramatic. but it's been fucked up, honestly.

i am beyond broke. which is making me beat myself up. all because i believed that shaun was being honest, and because this could have been completely avoided.

i spent such a retarded amount of money last week, during beer week. i don't know how i went through it so quickly, but i did. it was only after i looked back through my checkbook that i could see so clearly just how much i fucked myself over by spending money because i thought another $525 was on the way.

add to that a missing electric bill. i called to request a copy, and the bill is (of course) past due and over three hundred dollars.

since i haven't gotten a gas bill, either, i called them as well, to find out that ever left a massive balance on that account as well. so now i have to go down to that office, in person, and provide proof that i didn't live in the house when all of the bills were racked up.

what a fucking goddamn asshole piece of shit. fucking $7000 dollars i gave him, and he paid none of the bills? i'm still paying his $400 water bill, because they essentially told me that i am legally responsible for it. despite the fact that i didn't live there or collect money for it.

i wish i could take him to court. the whole reason i got the court order was to keep this from happening. and now? what a waste that was. because, despite having it, he didn't follow it, and now i'm having a hard time understanding how, when he is really gone, he will never really be gone.

i hope there is no legal action coming my way. i really don't know what to do. but i do know that i don't have money to fix his shit.

all i can do is stop spending money. in the case that my asshole roommate doesn't pay me at all, and i have to kick him out, it means that i'm going to have to find another one. and that's about as much fun as looking for another job.

which i also did this morning.

not because i expect to need to. or because i want to.

i basically needed to just look at options. so i can sit back and think about what i've got, what i'd be giving up, or to think about where i can go from here, if i need to.

i can't say how sad it makes me, at 33, to be looking for a different job. because at this point? it's pretty fucked up. i should have my own place by now. bar/cafe whatever. i didn't want to work for anyone else after kenna. i wanted to ride this job into the sunset, and leave for my own thing. but ever derailing that plan so long ago changed what i thought would happen in my life, and i gave that up. i guess that the bottom line right now is that i realize that this job might not be around forever, and because i have no fucking sense when it comes to my finances, i will continue to have nothing to show for the past several years.

and i don't even want to write it out, because i honestly feel like the most fickle idiot, but when i'm having a week like this one, and all i want is an easy out, i start to think about selling the house again.

i guess this week is forcing me to think back to different ideas i've had in the last few years. and i pretty consistently want what i can't have.

the pile of unfinished house projects makes that a distinct non-possibility. combined with a shitty market. i'd literally break even, if i was lucky, to be out of the house. i just can't make that decision.

i kinda feel like screaming. and i also kinda feel like crying. money stress is the absolute worst. and ever did such a number on my credit without my help, that in light of not getting a bill at the house, i'm now fucking up my own credit. i suppose there have just been too many distractions to keep my mind off the more stressful house related things.

but seriously? having to go to the gas company to prove when i did and did not live in the house? it's scary shit. i cannot be held accountable for ever's fucking stunts. i paid the account current before i left him, and paid at least one bill since i moved back in. i don't know what changed. but it makes me so mad that he collected money from the tenants and ultimately from me, and didn't pay any of it. it's just insanity.

if i do see him on the street, my friends might not see me for a while. because i might punch him in the throat and go away for a little striped vacation after that.

it's all such bullshit. i know that karma should take care of it for me, but i just can't help but wishing bad shit on him. again. how can one 37 year old man be so entirely irresponsible? and still be affecting my life after not being anywhere near him for well over a year?

and the fact that quinn didn't email kenna? i don't even know what to make of that. i should feel relieved, maybe? but the thing is, it's like impending doom. i'd rather know what she could possibly have to say to her, and not worry about it any more. instead, i just spend all day wondering if it got sent, and what i'm going to have to defend myself against.

and maybe that was the whole point. to make me worry and stress, but not actually do anything.


and can greg just get back into town already? though i feel like him being away has kept me a little more focused on work, my focus is on the most stressful shit, so having a distraction for at least a little part of my day would be so awesome. and i just don't have one.

all i want is to feel awesome and happy and great for a little bit of time. i can go back to this broken state of being if i just get a little bit of awesome in between the pile of shit.

it's hard to think positive, in light of everything that feels like it's going all wrong all at once. and in a completely different way this week, i feel ill equipped to cope.

how ironic that, feeling like i couldn't deal with my own emotions for the past few weeks, things were so much SIMPLER then. when all i was having a hard time with was feeling too much for a boy?? fucking PLEASE.

this week, i am concerned for my job security, my house, paying my bills, collecting rent, finding a new roommate, how ever is fucking me over still, and not being able to go anywhere or do anything because i am completely broke. oh, and then add that emotional fake problem into this.

because i'm trying to be patient, but i'm having a very very hard time with that as well.

i feel like there is nothing good in my life right now. and i shouldn't say that. because it makes me feel like a spoiled rotten brat.

maybe part of it is knowing that my dad won't help me at all with the house. it came out in a conversation with aubree maybe on monday night. she had been going on about dad coming up and building the deck the whole time she's been here. but the other night, she said, 'i don't think mom and dad are coming up here this summer.'

and i said, 'why not?'

and she said that dad doesn't feel like working on the house, since i'm not selling it. he now sees it as a waste of money, because he can't recoup it.

and why the fuck should he?? i owe him $37k! why make it even more staggering a figure?


it can't be a good idea to take out a home equity line of credit. it just can't be. that would be too easy a solution. but isn't it tempting? just pay everything off all at once, and breathe a little easier? not worry about shithead fuckup roommates? take the vacation i feel entitled to? buy the telescope i want?

it's why i buy lottery tickets.

because reality checks, every so often, prove to be completely overwhelming to me, and crippling, i need an easy way out.

laying in bed for hours, watching internet tv, and drinking beer is not the easy way out. it feels like cheating. and that never feels good.

i just can't get over how i feel like i have so many problems. and how, when real problems crop up, i get annoyed at myself for thinking the previous problems were serious.

can't quinn quit already? i'd have more than enough work to do if i was doing her job. i wouldn't have to worry about where i'm going to find hours to work. i wouldn't be looking for a job on craigslist. at least not this week. i wouldn't be thinking about all of my personal failures that have led me to being in this precise predicament.

can't shaun just pay what he owes? i'd not be thinking about selling the house just to get out of it, or about how much money i owe my dad, or how i'm going to pay all these bills, including some that ever left behind. or about ever at all.

can't i just win the lottery? steal greg away, and never come up for air? nothing would matter, for at least a little while. all my financial crises would be solved, i'd get the vacation, along with anything else i could ever want, and just feel completely overcome by raw emotion and affection, and not in a bad way. in the way that you feel when you've been prevented from having something, and finally get your hands on it. you know - like heroin. overdosing, after relapsing.

for this week, i'd settle for just turning off my worrying brain. i'd settle for rent. i'd settle for an email, or better yet, five minutes of making out. i'm not even trying to be greedy. i just need a little something good.

to keep me moving forward.

because weeks like this are the entire reason that i wanted to move home, originally.

just fucking run away, and let mom hug me, and hide from real life. float in the pool, catch a tan, have drinks with little umbrellas in them. no bills. no rent. no job.

just fucking CHECK OUT, mentally.

i'd take the inevitable boredom.

like i said earlier: i always want what i can't have.

mentally checking out? yeah, right. more time with that boy than i know what to do with? never gonna happen. not feeling burnt out at work and scared? nope.

just two more days until the next weekend, but tomorrow is one of those days, and i don't know how to kill an entire day, so there's that problem.

if only there was a promise of something awesome on the books for this weekend... i've got a lot of nothing to look forward to. if only i felt like that was limited to the upcoming weekend, things would feel a lot better right now.

maybe i need to reconsider taking a pill to feel better than this...

defeated. june 13th.

man. i am having a pretty difficult time, feeling kinda sick to my stomach, and wanting to stick my head in the sand and come out after a leave of absence.

i guess it makes sense that quinn had a lot to say back. and i also guess that it follows suit that she'd ask for kenna's email.

i already told kenna that she thinks she can do my job better than me, that she thinks i don't do anything, and that i knew she'd have a lot to say to her when they eventually meet up.

so i gave her the email address. and promptly texted kenna to give her the heads up. whatever. it will be interesting to hear what she has to say about it.

she did say that she has my back, regardless.

i didn't say anything that i think was out of line. and kenna knows i want to get rid of her, so hopefully she can take an approach to responding to her that makes me feel better about it.

i wish i knew what it is that bothers me so much. i did what she considered attacking her. and she did what i consider to be attacking me.

at least i told kenna about this stuff along the way, so it won't be a surprise.


i shouldn't care. and maybe if kenna plays her cards right, it will make quinn leave.

i can't worry about it.

the only thing she can say that looks bad is that i don't go over there as much as i should, and that's because i hate them so much. not the best thing to be called out on. but whatever.

maybe part of why this day sucked so hard is that i had no distractions. i just had my job to do, all day long.

maybe the other reason is that i don't even feel like fighting her. i feel kinda like giving up. my insurance doubled, i found that out today.

and really? i think that for a while, mentally, i thought i'd have left this job by now.

i write about leaving the job enough. what's ironic is that, when i hired her, i intended to give her my job when i left. i realized pretty early on that i was wrong in thinking that. too young, immature, dramatic, and dishonest to have that be a good decision.

she is one of those people that, when you ask her a question, she looks around instead of looking at you, and you just know she's being dishonest. i think she lies enough that she can't keep her lies straight.

whatever. i can't even think about it anymore today. it's literally making me feel sick.

and i have nothing going on today. so i think i'm going to go to my room and watch a bunch of internet tv.

and try to not think about any of it until tomorrow, when i go to work, and clean my way through another day of dealing with quinn's bullshit. and then talk to kenna about whatever it is that she emails her.


i'm glad that the rest of my employees think i'm a good boss. maybe they think i'm good because i'm nice and helpful to everyone but her. and because i don't do my job as well as i could, being the hardass about the shit i should be a hardass about.

kenna tells me often enough that i do a good job, and that she trusts me. that should be enough, but being called into question, and having someone go over my head is a strange and different predicament.

at the end of the day, with her, i think repeatedly, 'who does she think she is?'

and kenna echoes that sentimentality, along with everyone at the office, and all of my other employees.

and i shouldn't include them in it, but it's one of those things... i feel like i'm taking crazy pills sometimes. and it helps to have a bunch of people tell me otherwise. i'll try to be better and less dramatic.

i'm sure she'll mention her raise. and i'm sure she'll mention that i haven't been over there. and that i'm completely unprofessional, in her own words. oh, and that i do things that are inappropriate.

this feels really bad.