cold sweats. december 4th.

so somehow i forgot a story last night. it would have been update two, but i'm just going to lump it on with this one.

the last two nights, i've woken up from nightmares flat on my back, soaked in sweat.

the majority of the time, when i'm having nightmares, i'm paralyzed in my sleep, and i wake up flat on my back.

two night ago, it was almost two in the morning. i woke up because of a metal on metal crashing sound. and i guess that, because i was having a nightmare, the following thoughts made perfect half-awake logical sense to me.

i had taken my wall unit out of the window before i went to sleep. there's a draft in my room because of it, it was letting 20-30 degree air in. so i put it on the floor under the window.

and in my waking from the metal crash, i woke up. and thought that someone had thrown a gun or something into my window and the sound was it hitting the unit. there was no glass sound, so i can't really understand how scared i was, sure that i couldn't get up or sit up in bed to see what had made the noise because i either thought someone was throwing things in or was inside my place. for probably five minutes, my heart was racing and i was sweating even more. terrified to move.

it's leftover from that shootout on thanksgiving. but after those five minutes, i knew what the noise was and sat up and verified.

i had put a cake pan of water on the radiator because the dry heat from the radiator had been giving me a sore throat worse than the one from my cold. it had fallen off and behind the radiator while i was asleep. mystery solved.

so today was strange. i got a facebook message from someone i knew in high school, and even though we weren't really friends, we were classmates senior year. she was coming to phila for the day and i'd agreed to meet her for a drink sometime after lunch and before dinner.

i ran errands with kit, and she texted that they were having lunch instead of dinner at my favorite restaurant, and could i meet then. but i couldn't. they ended up leaving before dinner, so i didn't end up seeing her at all.

so kit and i went to lunch instead, and then we watched some episodes of 'the middle' and i came home. sat down, started to queue up a 'buffy' episode, and my dad called me.

i answered, wondering why he was calling. he's been calling me about once a week, which is pretty odd, but i've been going with it. he was calling to ask if it was snowing and if it was super cold.

but then he asked about ever and the divorce.

which became over a one hour conversation. toward the end, he said that he was probably stressing me out even more by making me talk to him about it.

and i had thought that more than once while i was talking to him. but he's really the only person (other than my shrink) that i've talk to about it for any length of time since things have become increasingly stressful for me.

part of the errands i ran today were for mailing the paperwork and second half of my retainer to the lawyer.

i felt sick on the way, and shaking when i left the post office after having sent it off. back and forth between starving (i hadn't eaten yet, and it was about 3pm) and nauseous.

i managed to put it aside thanks to kit. and then came home to dad asking a million questions. most of which i can't answer at all.

and it got me all worked up again.

it's just so stressful right now.

and i know that i could just email ever and say three things and feel differently about it. but i'm afraid to. one, because i have a feeling i know the answers. two, because i don't want him to know that he is succeeding at stressing me out and pissing me off.

i'd tell him i closed the joint account. tell him to pay state farm the $210 he owes them so i don't have to. and ask if he intends to pay the mortgage for last month or this month.

so i emailed my lawyer instead and asked if that was a bad idea.

along with other questions i have with the divorce in general.

i never should have left the house. i know that. and all of this now is because i have no control over him and his choices.

speeding this thing up is going to be expensive. i thought it would be done two months ago. and i can't believe that i'm no closer to it being over, ultimately, now than i was six months ago when i filed it.

kit keeps telling me to make a list, but that chore seems so scary. it's like, if i don't write it down, maybe i won't have to deal with it. or something. avoider tendencies at their best, i supposed.

landlord just came out and apologized for the tone i thought he was taking. but that no one has been paying rent on time and that his bills are piling up.

i told him i'm under stess too and that i don't take it lightly. and said nothing else, so he walked away after saying that he wasn't trying to say i'm irresponsible.

whatever. got that out of the way. without telling him to fuck off. a plus? debatable...

i guess there should be two lists. here i go...

one is what i'm afraid of. what i worry about.

this one is harder than the list of things to do. i wrote that one out first, proving my own point.

i'm afraid of having to pay the mortgage and not getting it back.

i'm afraid that he'll sue me for alimony.

i'm afraid that i can't kick him out of the house, and that i can't move back in even if i have to pay the mortgage.

i'm afraid that he threw the things for my coffee work away.

i'm afraid that, if he didn't, that i'll have to go and get them myself.

i'm afraid that he changed the locks. which doesn't really matter, because honestly, i don't know where my house keys are anyway.

i'm afraid that i'm going to get fucked over in court.

i'm afraid that he's going to drag this out for the maximum amount of allowable time.

i'm afraid that i'll never be granted my divorce.

i'm afraid that the house is destroyed.

i'm afraid that i'll have to go there to paint and do other things to get it ready for sale.

i'm afraid that i'll have to see him in court.

i'm afraid that i'll have to see him at all.

i'm afraid that i'll have to arrange things related to the house with him.

i'm afraid that he'll find a way to stay in the house and make me pay for it.

i'm afraid to email him.

i'm afraid not to. that all he is waiting for is contact from me.

i'm afraid that my lawyer is an idiot.

i'm afraid that i'm confused because my lawyer is confused, not because i'm overwhelmed and stressed and panicky.

i'm afraid that the judge won't file an order to make him keep up with the payments.

i'm afraid that the judge will see this as my fault and award him accordingly.

i'm afraid that my dog is dead or dying, and that he wouldn't tell me.

i'm afraid that i'll never see her again.

or that, if i do, she won't know who i am anymore. or care.

i'm afraid that i'll have to move out of my apartment and lose my deposit.

i'm afraid that i'll have to move home ahead of schedule.

i'm afraid that my parents won't be able to help me financially.

i'm afraid that the roommates moved out.

i'm afraid that i'll have to see them if i have to go there.

there are so many things that i am afraid of. but this is what i'm fixated on, and have been for the last few months.

part of me wants to pay the bills from his account and play dumb.

part of me wants to drive past the house and see what i can see.

part of me wants to find a person who can go there and spy for me and tell me everything.

i'm afraid that he would see me drive past.

i'm afraid that i'll lose a friend just for asking them to tell me things.

i'm afraid that i'll be in florida at some critical point in the court related stuff that i have no way of knowing until i'm already down there.

i'm afraid that i won't be able to get things fixed at the house before it goes on the market. and that i don't have to money to fix things anyway.

i'm afraid that i'll have to get a restraining order against him.

the other is what i have to do.

get tax paperwork together to show his income.

get the mortgage paperwork together to show what was qualified from his income vs mine.

get credit card statements together, in case he denies that the majority of our debt was from his business.

make a list of everything i left at the house when i moved.

make a list of his business equipment and inventory.

find the car paperwork to show what was financed and when.

find the house invoices for everything my parents paid for.

house related to do list (an afterthought)

paint the walls.

repair the bathroom ceiling.

make ever replace the shower in his shop that he singlehandedly destroyed.

carpet the hallway on the second floor.

paint over the chalkboard wall.

shellac the exposed brick.

it's not that it's so much to do. everything for the most part is all in one place. i just have to look through it all and have it in a divorce box.

on the plus side, i rearranged my most recent mix, and took off the songs i tend to skip when i listen to it, and added in some songs that i wanted to add. and it's solid now.

also, i paid all my bills and have a nice chunk of money left over. despite sending the lawyer $500, i still have $1000 that is extra. granted, that might go to the mortgage. but i'm proud of myself for actually saving up that much money. i've never saved up that much before, so i'm making progress as a human.

to the pile of worries, i have all the surgery worries freaking me out.

and now, because it's getting closer to the time of night when i need to go to bed, i have to stop this.

when i told dad that he wasn't stressing me out, and that it's probably healthy to talk about it as much as i think about it, i said that it's okay to deal with it as long as i don't do it right before bed. because then i can't sleep and have nightmares, and get all worked up.

so i'll sign off and watch some buffy and think back to my days at college that first year. how different and great things felt back then. how i ran around carefree and boycrazy.

and not think about how off-track my life got right after that.

leftovers. december 3rd.

so these were things i didn't get to talk about yesterday...

first thing in the morning, robbie came for a visit. which was awesome. we both had a lot to talk about. he hung around for a while.

(i wasn't even busy this morning at all. i've been hanging out mostly alone all day long. goofing off on fb as per the usual.)

marital inventory.

so, the divorce is going to court. already knew this. when this happens, a judge splits up all the stuff for you. it sucks.

the car will be dragged into it, the business, everything we own.

it really sucks, because i didn't want it to come to this.

but ever is being a jackass, so now it is.

i'm actually pretty scared.

i gave everything going in, and now he is going to get half again coming out. why does it have to be this way?

just keep your eyes on the prize, tea. the house will sell. and you can buy anything that you want.

mortgage people.

after checking online to make sure that ever still hadn't paid the bill, i called them to get info.

of course, it went to the collections department. of course they tried to get a payment from me, more than once.

of course, they have been unable to reach ever, despite calling him every day.

of course, my credit is already being negatively affected as far as they are concerned. we're now 32 days delinquent. by we i mean he, but my credit score.

i thought it was delightful when the nice man on the phone offered to take my name off of the account if i was concerned with my credit, since i'm in the divorce process.

i said, 'doesn't that mean that i wouldn't own the house anymore?'

and he said, 'yes.'

is he serious????? what a fucking dolt.

there should really be a way to have rights in this situation. i can't believe that i am dealing with this.


so after that awesomeness, i called my lawyer to pay the retainer over the phone.

and he sent me the emergency hearing petition to look over. it's pretty interesting. what it means is that we're asking a judge to force ever to make the house payments and insurance payments on time.

i hope it works.

i am still insanely confused about how this whole legal process works, and i really do hope that my lawyer isn't the one confusing me. now that we're on this whole hourly basis thing, i know all about rounding up billable hours, and i hope he doesn't fuck me over royally.

i think that the emergency petition is separate from the equitable distribution of marital property hearing. i think this is just to get a court order against him, and that the divorce hearing will be later down the road.

can't this shit be over with already? he's going to take me to the cleaners. fml. let's just get it over with...

onto some things that are a little brighter.

mono lake.

so a while back, i made a list of all the little places from southern california to portland that i wanted to go to on my stargazing road trip.

while i was looking at each place, in an effort to see how far apart the places were, and how many days of driving it would take to really get to each one, i was goofing off on google maps.

and while i was on yosemite, exploring to see where there were roads, and how scary it would be to drive there because it is so far removed from civilization, i stumbled upon this little lake that was nearby, called mono lake.

the water looked cool on the map, so i zoomed in as far as it would let me. and there was this little island in the middle. i don't know. i started daydreaming. is there a house on the island? is there a boat on the map because one happened to be there when they took the images? could i explore the lake?

what i didn't know then was what was going on at mono lake.

yesterday, when i read the first post about the discovery at mono lake, i was trying to figure out why the strange name sounded so familiar to me. about two seconds later, i realized what i was thinking of. i went back to google maps. sure enough.

alien (in the strictest sense of the word) dna was discovered there. at the little lake i stared at maybe a month ago.

what are the chances? the only other lake i've ever done that with is tahoe, and that's only because i'm so familiar with driving around it that i wanted to see what it looked like from above.

all this only a day after another similar incident.

i went to the bar alone on monday night to have dinner. so i took the book i've been trying to read for the last couple months. i don't know why i'm so non-committal about it, but i have had the hardest time making myself read it, even though it's pretty interesting.

so i was at the bar, reading 'awakening intuition'. and i was only reading for maybe 20 minutes. not a lot.

but the chapter was about how our brains store memories. how some people think that every single thing we see/hear/feel/smell/taste is stored in our brains somewhere forever. how some people think that it's all stored, but if it's not accessed immediately, the connection to it is lost. and the role sleep plays, with dreams, to process all of this information. to try out possible future scenarios/outcomes while we sleep. and how it might be a process of discarding things as well. how we'd never remember something that we saw laying on the ground when we walked past it, unless we had an experience that made us remember it (like slipping on a bottlecap).

so the next night, i was talking to kit about dreams. and then i went home. and saw a post about new research talking about sleep and memories. research supporting the very thing i was reading about at the bar the night before.

in my book called 'awakening intuition'. after the dream about snow on thanksgiving morning, to wake up and see snow falling. i still can't believe it.

it's all pretty strange. and i always love those collective consciousness things. they happen in threes, so maybe it's over now.

in any case, it was eerie while it lasted.

and now? i need to locate some food. i'm hungry. and really overly ready to go home. it is so super dead here today. i forgot that fridays tend to suck. and i'm back on monday. woo hoo.

can't hardly wait.

* * *


cleaning up the shop and remembering something that i started to realize yesterday, and came to fully realize today.

okay. so this goes back to the thing with the elevens.

alright. obsessed, right?

so it all started the year i was born. 1977. 77 is a multiple of 11.

my 11th birthday was spent welcoming my sister to the world in our brand new house in a brand new neighborhood. we didn't have carpet yet when i had my party. crazy stuff.

i just realized that i was telling my shrink on monday that i haven't enjoyed a birthday since my 22nd.

my 22nd birthday was spent moping because the excitement of 21 had worn off. i had just moved home a few weeks before from tahoe. i was depressed, and had just retreated to my parents' house after being on my own for a year.

and now here i am, about to celebrate my 33rd birthday. and i'm retreating home again, after being on my own for almost eight years.

it's interesting that this is my 11 year cycle as an adult. move home every eleven years? wow.

i realized this because i was thinking about how 2011 is right around the corner. i'll be 33 for most of '11. and then thinking back, realized i was 22 in '99 and 11 in '88.

i just thought it was funny. and that i should add it to this post.

stressed. december 2nd.

so today was suck store. and after that, a surgery pre-screening.

i tripped out for a while because the girl was screening me for anesthesia. and she's a customer.

and she asked all these questions. and because i'm being completely knocked out, it was like taking truth serum and answering, because i don't want to die.

are you married, divorced, or widowed?

eh. married, but getting divorced.

when was the first day of your last period?

right now. surprise!

(after the first series of questions i said, 'we're best friends now. you know my whole life!')

have you used recreational drugs?


how long ago?

a year. (nearly a true fact - hard to believe...)

which ones?


do you drink?


how often.

one or two drinks a night.

do you smoke?


how much?

five to ten a day.

don't smoke the morning of surgery.

this was a slight improvement upon the instructions of the admissions lady.

which were don't drink or smoke the night before your surgery.

i'm sorry. are you fucking KIDDING me? telling a panic attack ridden smoker that she can't smoke the NIGHT BEFORE surgery? i'm going to have an impossible time sleeping. take my smokes away, and don't hold me responsible for my actions, bitches.

i can't have coffee or anything beforehand, which means killer headache when i come to.

the whole thing was very scary. i know it's not supposed to be.

the only thing that made me feel better was being able to request a specific anesthesiologist. i picked my favorite. even though he'll possibly see my tits as a result. i tried to only worry about that for a few minutes. i just know he'll tell me if i say anything funny and will take excellent care of me. he's been doing this for a few decades. and he totally rules.

but, yeah. scary shit.

you're signing consent forms, and they're asking about living wills. and i'm thinking 'it's just a lump in my armpit. do i really need to have this thing out?' but i do. or i'll spend the rest of my life worrying about the lump in my arm that could be undiagnosed cancer. if it wasn't in such a nerve-laden area, they wouldn't even knock me out. they're giving me anti-nausea meds because more than anything, i really don't want to puke when i wake up and that goes with the territory.

i'm getting my period, and i can't take my beloved motrin for the next week. which also means suffering through the headaches i get when my body goes through this. pisser. luckily, i can still take nyquil. and the daytime meds i've been taking. big relief.

luckily, she didn't draw blood. i was a little woozy at the thought. but she did make me pee in a cup. probably to verify the fact that i'm not currently on drugs.

i was a little surpised that they didn't tell me what this thing entailed. they didn't mention bloodwork. or peeing in a cup. they didn't mention that i had to pay my co-pay. or that it would take an hour. i expected them to verify my insurance and let me leave.

the whole drive home i wondered how many insurance people now know that i smoked weed a year ago. or will exclude me from treatment for something later because i answered yes today. this is what happens when you have anxiety. oh well.

then i worried about if kit will really be able to take me, how i'd get there otherwise, and thought out the morning of, giving kit my smokes and not letting me have one on the way.

stupid shit like that, that i felt necessary to worry about a full week in advance.

what a day. what a night.

i tried to be awesome, and do things today to make my friday easier than it's going to be otherwise. and if it didn't slightly bite me in the ass. goddammit.

turns out i have the wrong version of a file saved, and ever has the computer that could fix it. i made this whole trip out to make my morning and afternoon tomorrow a little easier on me, but it backfired.

luckily, i went to the store i'm usually at, and kit needed a break. so i helped her. and that made it feel a little more worthwhile.

i worry for kit. i wish that, like me, she would start to stand up for herself and tell people who don't help her to fuck off. but she won't do it. and is now spending a very long night after a very long day, to be followed by a very long day tomorrow in the lab, because no one that she helps on a daily basis would help her.

it's so easy when it's someone else. to tell them what to do.

i'm so spiteful and vengeful. i told her that i'd use their exact words when they ask her for help the next time. but she won't. and i told her that i'd tell them she wasn't going to help them until they helped her first. bbut she won't. she'd rather have a shit night than put someone through what they're putting her through.

i'd do it for her, but she'd hate me. and i'd break her boss's kneecaps, but i never see him.

he's such a masochistic asshole. he torments her. and she is helpless in the situation, because she just wants to graduate.

so i had my first drink of the night for her. while i was at staples running that stupid errand, i ran to the liquor store after for smirnoff vanil, which is half as pricey as the stoli i usually buy. i just can't drink all that beer. only at the bar. gotta ditch carbs somewhere, and it's the easiest place to do it.

getting nowhere with atkins was a blow and a half. nothing changed. i felt better about myself despite the lack of change in the way my jeans fit.

whatever. i eat salad as often as possible. and when i was sick and ate ramen, and bored and ate popcorn, i just tell myself that it's okay.

i keep expecting landlord to run into me and try to be nice so i can tell him to sod off, because it's nicer than saying fuck off, and i've been watching brit things lately. i still can't get over him yesterday.

if he only knew what i was dealing with, he would be thanking me for paying my rent at all. whatadouche.

time to try to sleep. even though i'm awake and don't want to go to sleep. it's another day at suck store. and again on monday. luckily a customer told me so today, or i'd have had my usual sleep in driving day, forgetting all about my responsibilities and obligations. an easy day, where i make bank tips for the amount of work i have to do.

honestly, i'm kindof glad for it. being crazy busy for a few hours in the morning will make the easy afternoon so much better.

i will have to write about the marital inventory i did today, followed by the call to the mortgage people, and then the lawyer, at some point in my day tomorrow. it was traumatic. really drives home the fact that the worst is yet to come, and that ever is a fucking piece of shit. i can't write it out before i sleep or i might not. or waste a night of dreaming on ever's dumb ass showing up to torment me in my sleep.

here's to dreams about a new version of life. one that has dna unlike anything we've ever seen on this planet before. i'll have to write about my mono lake experience tomorrow as well. and the awakening intuition experience as well.

turns out that reading this book actually seems to be awakening my intuition, even though i'm skeptical.

seriously crazy shit going on in my thoughts lately. super on point with new research that is coming out. and the book is making me wonder if i've chosen my future life path all wrong.

i'll sleep. and read some more. and then write my ass off tomorrow at work.

because if there's something i know a lot about, it's making up for lost time...

it's DECEMBER? dec 1st.

how many days has it been?

too many. i have to re-read to remember where i left off.


so that was saturday.

sunday was really not much of anything to write about. monday wasn't either.

yesterday, i talked out the issues that i was having, and that situation is resolved.

i'm feeling better, but definitely not 100%. it will be a while still, at least a week from what i can recall of the last cold i had that was just like this one.

the majority of what i have to say is related to ever.

he still hasn't paid the mortgage. now, because it's the first, it's already due again.

he'd better fucking pay. i will be so angry if i do.

i found out today that, if i pay the things he's not, i will most likely not get that money back.

so it changes things for me. my willingness to fix the problems he's making for me.

i got all of my paperwork sorted. signed, notarized, the whole nine. and today kit printed out my newest paperwork for me.

a list of all marital property, to be divided in court.

i really cannot believe that he is letting it get to this.

and who the fuck is advising him, anyway?

i just don't get it. i hope he gets what he deserves in other aspects of his life.

because he is really maxing me out, and i left to not have to deal with him and his bullshit. yet, somehow, nine months later, here i am. dealing with his bullshit.

so tomorrow at suck store will be spent listing all the things i own and left behind.

i had a shrink appointment finally, on monday.

i talked about the issues i was having. mostly talked about ever. and talked about tim and why that happened. and she agrees. that it happened because i was supposed to meet him, or more likely, because i was supposed to realize that i am ready for interaction with boys and whatever comes after that. and to learn not to do that again.

that i don't have to put obstacles in my path anymore to keep myself from having fun with boys.

so that was cool and reassuring.

and at the end, i was talking about the panic attacks i have been having, mostly ever-induced. the kind that i can't bring myself down from as quickly as i can the majority of the time.

and she asked me if i was still opposed to medicine. not the kind you take everyday, she said she doesn't think i need it, and i don't want it.

but she prescribed ativan to me, so that if i'm having a panic and can't calm down, i can take it. or just know that i have it.

and in light of the surgery next friday, and the flight in a few weeks, i am glad to have it. so i filled the prescription, and i have it if i need it.

the shrink was good. she told me more than once that i've done a lot of work in the last year, and in the last few months since i'd been.

i was talking about how every birthday for me is this traumatic time where i think about my life to that point, and what i've accomplished. how every year i'm tired, and feel like i have nothing to show for my efforts.

and how i'm afraid of this birthday. because there's this duality. on one hand, i have come a long way. i am happy i left ever. and i've grown so much as a person. but on the other hand, i'm going to be 33 in one week from today, and i am single, not even divorced yet (i thought it would be done and over with in four to six months), and have nothing to show for my hard work yet again.

i mean, i do. but it's not tangible yet. and who knows what will even happen in this whole court thing.

i could end up getting screwed, which would be about par for the course. he's been screwing me over for years financially, why not go out with a bang?

i'm going to have to think hard tomorrow when i'm making that list.

and you know what happened today?

i mean, i feel bad for him in a way, because he had no clue the week and month that i've had.

but landlord sent me a text because it's the first, and i didn't put my rent check under his door before i left for work like i usually do.

he sent me this text saying that the grace period is a courtesy, and that it's the first and my rent is due.

what the fuck? it was like 4 in the afternoon.

who does he think he is?

i sent him a text back that said i am perfectly aware of the date and that just as soon as i get home from work i'll put the check under his door. that i never pay my rent late. ever.

what a fucking dickhead.


what the shit?

i guess he's pissed that i stopped paying it early. but that's what happens when you bitch to me about your money problems and take your sweet ass time to fix my shit.

you don't get money before it is owed to you.

if he only knew that i am seriously headed for trouble as far as paying my shit is concerned. with the whole lawyer thing, and possible mortgage thing, i am really going to be hurting when i come back from florida.

i intended to pay him jan rent before i left. but now i think i'll just mail it to him.

and i really want to get a new door handle/lock for my apartment door. to see if he says something. because that would mean he tried to come in again. ugh. i can't even let my paranoid brain think about it. what a douchebag.

a lot of anger today. maybe that's because i woke up this morning, with plenty of time to catch a bus to work. i left my place at 805 to catch the 818. and waited until after 845 in the pouring rain, soaking wet and freezing, with water puddled in my shoes. to watch a full bus pass us by, and for the next one to be completely packed. so much that, after our stop picked up, he blew past the rest of the stops, full.

it was madness. i got to work right at 9. and i was supposed to be there at 830, according to the bus schedule. fuckers.

if it hadn't been raining so hard, and been so windy, i would have walked. this is why i don't wait for the bus. because this is what happens to me every single time i do. i could have walked there and back in the time it took for the bus to pick me up.

i should have split a cab with someone. but i didn't. and that was just stupid.

and after being spoiled with a four day weekend, i am pretty beat. work is just a chore to me, and will be until i get home and have two weeks off. two weeks to last until april, when i get more vacation time.

i really need the money from my work for my mileage. i keep forgetting about it, it's my safety net. and now it looks like i'll be needing it. and i'm really fucking pissed off and ready to strangle ever. if he takes that from me, i will never forgive him.