the high dive.

and then there's the drop, as you're jumping off the high dive.

the swan dive looks pretty sweet, right before you forget to clasp your hands in front of your forehead, smacking the surface of the water. and the pounding headache follows.

or something like that.

that was my day.

diving in, full force. work first, then personal life, then more work, then more personal life.

work didn't wait while i was gone. i have another full day tomorrow of working on getting caught up.

i'm feeling super productive right now. which is a good feeling.

i'm taking care of things that are holding me back, from moving on with my life. and i was so overwhelmed before i went home that i couldn't even start to do them.

but now it's all different.

i'm trying to move along even when i don't feel like it. and the mini bursts are keeping me going. feeling better for a bit gets me to the next obstacle.

i guess a place to start was my morning. i now have internet thanks to kit. it was awful to be so disconnected from my support system, and she resolved that with one phone call and a morning off from work to wait for the dude to show up.

she took me to get my car from the house. i'd left it so ever could use it while i was away.

he was on the stoop when we pulled up, so i talked to him for a minute.

and he pulled a classic ever divorce move, asking me why i wasn't smiling when i was doing what i said would make me happy.

i didn't have the heart to tell him that before i showed up and as soon as i left, i'd go back to being happy.

i just told him that i dread coming over and talking to him, so that's why i looked that way. told him that my family went as well as it could, and he welcomed me back.

and then he asked if i got the divorce when i was home. i looked at him with a wrinkled brow. he told me that it would be two to six months, depending. so he already knew that this was a ridiculous question.

so i asked why. aka, taking the bait.

and he said, 'oh, because someone said that you took married off of your facebook page.'

really? are we back in high school? who DOES that? i hid it as soon as i did it. but i just felt the same way about that as i felt about wearing the rings when we had already decided. it felt like a lie. plus, i don't want to have to get into it if someone starts talking to me now. people who know i'm married can ask why it changed if they want. and people who don't know that i was married don't have to know now.

anyways, it was a dick move. and i guess it made him feel better somehow? whatever. later that night when we talked again, he asked me to be discreet. of course. who does he think i am? most of the people i know don't know yet. i'm not going to become 'single' or something retarded like that. not until august 14th. which is the six month mark. like how i made it less time than my original september 6th deadline? august is from when we called it quits. september is from when i moved out.

we can wait and see. someone will hold me to one of these.

and then, more classic ever, i asked if he was having people over today, since it's traditionally a day that he does. and he said no. and then someone walked up behind me.

why he thought it would be smart to lie to me when he was expecting someone, i'll never know. i don't even think he meant to lie. maybe he thought i meant later in the day, because i was talking about coming back in the afternoon to chat.

i really hadn't anticipated seeing him that early in the day.

but so it was. and it was just another brick in the pile for me. a brick that reads, 'this is why we couldn't communicate effectively.'

and then i called the credit card company and took him off of my account.

which was the first step in detangling finances. it was smart.

kit waited on the cable guy, and i left and went to work. carting money all over creation. more deposits than i've had to make in a long long time.

but i got it all done, and went to see my shrink.

i kept pausing, hoping she'd ask me questions to pick me apart.

i told her about home. about my grandparents and my parents. about moving out. about the decisions i'd made regarding the house.

and about how i was feeling.

and then i dove in. for the second time today. and started to talk about coffee.

without naming him, i told her that there was this boy from a time when i was nineteen. that we were ever only friends, but that i was completely in love with him then, and how he made me feel when he came to our party in december.

how i felt like it was unhealthy/unnatural to start to think of him so soon after leaving. but that honestly, really, he's been there all along. and that every time i felt bad in my marriage, i'd think of him.

and i told her that i don't like that i do it, but that i can't help it.

i asked her if that was normal or if it made sense.

she said that when you go through something painful, and when you live without feeling that way in your marriage, it's totally normal to want to do things that make you feel that good again.

i told her that i had hoped in december that after eight or so years, i hoped it would be over, and that i was surprised that it wasn't and that i had waited on the divorce because i didn't want that run-in to cloud my judgment.

i told her that i feel like i should be sad. and she said to take what other people say from experience as information, but to beware of things regarding how i feel. because only i know how i will feel. and only i will feel the feelings. i told her no one is really telling me how i should feel. only me. kit pointed it out to me. that i was saying how i should feel. and i think it's interesting that my shrink said to beware of it.

anyways, it was a good day with her. and she didn't break my head open and didn't give me too much to think about. didn't make me feel like i had reason to panic. and didn't ask any hard questions.

so i left from there, went to the shop that is in the same hospital. and then went back to the university stores.

and did more work. kenna called. got kenna up to speed. she told me to enjoy my solitude. and to tell her if i need anything.

and then i went to the bank with even more deposits for work, and while i was there, i got my new checking account. the one i will set up for direct deposit tomorrow. it was great! it made me feel so much better, and only took like ten minutes, so it was a quick fix to something that i'd been too frozen up to do before.

i was proud of myself. even used the word divorce when i set it up. even prouder.

and then i went to pick up business cards for work. and went to the gym, only to tan. it was GREAT. i mean, i'm burned, but wanted to come back from vacation with some sun, and didn't. so i made up for it after a rough, crazy busy day with ten full minutes in the booth.

and it was divine. forced me to be completely still for ten full minutes. in silence. it was nice.

and spent more money on more things i needed. i got a back up hard drive and pulled all my files off of the computer at the house, and a router to have internet, which i'd need at the new place anyways.

and then i came to the apartment with the old old computer - 1997 anyone? but it works regardless, and it was all i needed. brought it in via two trips. even parked on my new block. which is pretty impressive.

and i came inside and set it all up on my own. and i was proud of myself.

and i feel excited, and free, and happy. and i feel like i should be more sad, and mopey, and lonely. but i'm not yet.

and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. because i know that it will.

and every day, i am grateful that it doesn't.

nina said i chewed through my leg shackles, and somehow escaped with my leg intact. so no wonder i am happy and enjoying this. and that six days before my six months are up, maybe then i'll feel sad and lonely just before i cross the finish line. i LOVE that.

i told her that if i make it five months and twenty four days without an incident, i'm totally good with that.

my mom called. i talked to her for a while. then my sister right after. talked to her for a while. chatted with nina for a long time.

it is nice how there's all this maintenance after a trip home. like we were all just talking for the last three days. so why wouldn't i be talking to them all today?

it's great.

i'm excited for this summer. so excited i can hardly wait! i know that it will fly by. i have a lot of big things to tackle in the meantime. so i'll be plenty busy. to have some extra time to spend there.

and my mind wanders back to coffee with this fleeting little thought.

i think i know what i liked so much about things the first time around.

because i'm the type of person who used to be non-stop attached at the hip. i tend to be that way now. and it is something i'm going to work on, what with the whole vow to be 'alone'. but when i liked someone, i wanted to see them and be with them every day.

and coffee was like that with me.

every day. for like a month. that original first go round.

and it seems like if something ever were to happen now, that it would be that way again.

there was this thirst (on my end, i thought on his also) that made us talk for hours on end, for days on end. night after night after night.

it was just this feeling of being completely immersed in someone's life for a little while. and i couldn't get enough. and i think he knew that, and it felt like he was slowly starting to drain the pool. and i just kept trying to swim. until so much water was gone that i was stuck in the deep end, unable to climb out. and that is where i've been flailing for the last twelve years of my life, off and on, with so many distractions, ever since. and he HAUNTS me. i told the shrink that.

but now i have a chance to start again. and my shrink also said that if talking to him is something i still want to do, and never did out of respect for my marriage, that it is okay to do that now. in fact, she actually recommended it.

not in a relationship-romantic kind of a way. but if it was just like a checking in to see what he's up to and to tell him what i'm up to kindof a way.

that it would be healthy. and that it would be a good thing.

how about that? i thought she'd tell me all the ways that fixating on him was completely insane and how i need to completely avoid him altogether.

and she encouraged me to try to initiate a reconnection instead.

who would've thought? i can have what i want. no more deprivation.

i can do as i please. and no one is going to stand in my way.

when i was home, nina said that she talked to kit about him.

that kit was nervous (which she's told me as well), and that she worried about me wanting to chase him again (paraphrasing here...).

and that nina told her that we were a good match, that we were both just too chickenshit to ever do anything about it.

and, as per the usual, this has settled into my head. because she is entirely correct.

i was too scared. and i don't know what his reasons were, but i think it had something to do with a girl in his home town breaking his heart years and years before. protection from a vulnerability that kept me outside. in his comfort zone.

and fuck him. we were a PERFECT MATCH. in my humble opinion.

i've met a lot of people in my thirty two years on this planet. a lot of different types of boys. who all look different. and i have never met anyone who came anywhere near the greatness of that boy.


three states. one south, one west, one northeast. never have i ever. broke the mold when they made him.

there's this death cab song i heard years ago, which was also years after coffee time.

and it's about matching freckles.

and we had matching freckles. i always thought that was some cute little soul mate thing. back when i believed in soul mates. maybe we even had two sets. i want to say one on our hands and one on our feet. i don't know how we would've figured that out exactly, but i have a hazy recollection.

and back to the situation at hand...

i want to get the paperwork going.

i want to be done with it by the time i go home. so i can just swim and enjoy the sun. and have it all behind me. and the pool i'm in, that won't matter. because i've been in a different pool where the water was cold.

and i know that, no matter what, i can appreciate this new pool just for being better. even if it's just filled with clean water, not coffee.

and if three months is the length of time it will take to work on my memoir, then i'd be pretty excited about that. because i want to stop living in the past, in my head. and sometimes i am so overcome with the desire to go back in time, to different times.

i hate it, honestly. just like the way i used to wish i could be hypnotized to be in love with my husband, i'd love to forget everything. so i could live only in the moment.

and i just hope that when i indulge and then finish the book, that i'll be better for it. and that i'll get over it and get on with it.

and one last thing i realized today.

i stopped writing during rough patches. which i already knew.

but i think that it coincided with times when i wasn't being true to myself.

when i was telling myself that i was happy, but deep down, knew that i wasn't. or even on the surface i knew that i wasn't.

and it's pretty fucking ironic that i will have this big thick book, chronicling the funnier and sadder moments of my life for the last thirteen years. and that ever will be a blip on the screen somewhere towards the end.

because i stopped writing when i got engaged to him. until i met the doctor who i crushed on. and then stopped when that ended (when i found out, as per the usual, that he was gay). and then only started back up when i realized that i wanted out of my marriage. and when i didn't care anymore if he read what i wrote about him. because it might only have sped up the process.

and on that note, i will turn in for the evening. try to get some much needed rest.

this is harriet the spy, signing off...

and back again.

traveling back feels a little anticlimactic.

i got nothing other than love from my friend and family.

more frustration with ever than i had expected.

i hate that they don't have the love i thought they'd have for him. but i guess the fact that their daughter is going through this due to his inadequacies is too upsetting to them right now.

i hate to say it, but he kinda called it. not the part about retail therapy. not the part about hate. but he was right about them not really worrying about him. and about them not calling him.


i also return without a chance to rewrite my own personal history with coffee. but what can you do when you only have two hours and no guts to try to make something happen?

it's too soon anyways.

i think that by this summer when i come back, just over three months from now, that it will feel quite different. that i will not be in the same place that i am right now.

that i will be so much further along in this process.

i need to try to figure out my finances. that will be huge.

i need to change everything that is in my name into his, and everything that is in both of our names into just mine or his.

i have a lot of work to do.

i know that.

i have to find a lawyer. i have to talk to my therapist tomorrow.

i have to try to fill out all this paperwork without a lawyer, so that only the house is handled by that person.

i have to get a new bank account and switch my direct deposit into it.

i have to change my name, i think.

i don't want to be what i was before, but i also think that by the end of this process over the next six or so months that i will not want to have his name anymore.

i was so afraid of it for so long. but now, i'm actually not afraid at all.

and the last name thing will kindof signify that i'm returning to who i was. only the better version of that girl.

the smarter, more determined, more independent version.

i barely made it into the car before i told them. because my mom asked 'how's tea?' as i shut the car door and i just blurted out that i am so sorry for this visit, that it's the hardest trip home i've had to make (when my sister had her brain surgery was actually the hardest, but i only realized that just now). that it is over and that i'm so sorry and that i feel like a disappointment. that they were the best example, along with my mother's parents. and that i just couldn't follow suit.

they hated that i was afraid, that i didn't tell them, and that i felt that way. they were pretty much instantly angry.

the first thing my dad said was that he wasn't shocked, or surprised. that they knew it was coming. that they were shocked when i came home in december, but that after that trip, they knew it was over.

they were really just surprised that i had moved out of the house, because they both just felt like i should be the one in it. they don't understand that i don't want that huge house to myself. and that i don't want roommates in it.

i hope that he isn't combative about selling the house. because i now know that it's the only way.

really, i feel entitled to more than i'm taking. because i feel like only giving him maybe $10k to get started. but because of all the work he did on the house, and probably will have to continue to do, i am willing to split the difference.

we should each have at least $20k once it is all said and done.

i just hope he doesn't fucking flip out.

really my family did surprise me. my grandparents (mom's) came out with a couple different comments that he'd made in the beginning of our marriage, that they'd tucked away for later use. basically deciding at that point that he just wasn't ever going to be any kind of a provider for me. because he told them that i'd provide for him. and that his mom had said something about me taking care of her ever.

so there. they knew years ago.

and my dad being my dad... he always quizzed me, and only occasionally us, about his contribution to our finances.

and i did always dodge it. because it was a labour of love.

i believed so much in him, and always just thought that he would come around. that it would make enough money to give me a break eventually.

but i just got tired of waiting.

and that is a pattern.

i'm only now aware that i can always do something to make that happen. and speak up for myself! and that i have always had the power to make something happen. i just didn't do it.

so whatever it is that i decide i want. whether that be trying to pin coffee down and make him squirm for once. ask the hard questions. and get my answers.

and to find the boy that i want to be with. have a kid with. work with. and share everything with.

a best friend of the marriage variety.

and even though it will be so long from now, i just have to believe that i will find it and have it.

because this was only kidding.

it's funny.

mom thought it would be smart to have me watch bride wars. which was cute. i think if i could be anyone, it would be anne hathaway. and i like kate hudson, but not in that movie.

anyways, you start to realize into the movie that one of the marriages isn't what it should be. and i so related to that. because i knew. i knew but didn't have the courage to undo it before it happened.

and i so wish that i had in a way.

but know that my life wouldn't be what it is now if i had undone that. and i wouldn't give up the friends i have now.

i just wish it didn't have to come to this. to end this way.

but it did. and it had to happen now. i had to find my balls and leave.

and now i can go back to square one.

i cannot believe how calm i am. i did have a beer. but i just really didn't cry at all when i said goodbye. i think because i know the point i want to get to. that i want to rush this shitty part and get to the part where i'm happier and where this is BEHIND ME. in my past.

and i want it to be over with. and the only way to get there is to just get back and start knocking shit out. like as in, tomorrow and the day after.

in any case...

mimi was AWESOME. i love her so much. she is my favorite aunt, always had been. she was the coolest mom in my eyes, growing up. i always wanted her to be my mom.

and now, she is just the coolest lady i know. and she's so funny and together and i love that she came to see me everyday that i was home. telling me things that i can expect to go through. telling me that there will be ups and downs. that she remembered feeling the way that i feel now, things i've feared coming here and all.

she has just always been the rock. and for my sister especially, she has asked her all the questions she'd never ask mom and dad. the fact that she's a nurse helps. medical knowlege and sex questions.

i never really used her for that. but i just always knew that her life at my age was probably similar to my life at that age, and i loved her for that. for being an experimenter recreationally, and for knowing what to fear and what not to fear. she's one of those 'don't sweat the small stuff' people.

in any case, she's the best. and she really helped me.

nina came up for the day yesterday. she had to arrange for so many things with her two kids to be able to do it, and she'll never know how much it meant to me for her to do that.

i wish in a way that we could've had time alone, but this trip was too short for that. that will happen this summer.

hopefully with kit in tow. i'm gonna work on her until she caves in and comes to hang with us.

nina's just always been there. and she knows me better than anyone else i've ever known. through and through.

when she walked up to me when she first came over, she just hugged me for so long and i fought tears. even though she's known for longer than anyone else that i was headed toward divorce. it felt so good to have her there.

and same for my sister. she came for the day also, and i would've loved to have had more time alone with her. but we had an intense pillow talk conversation last night that was really pretty great. i was grateful for that.

the two of them just make me feel like they really want me to be happy, and i know that both of them would do anything i asked to make that happen. and even things i don't ask. to try to instigate things to happen. and though here, i'm specifically referring to one coffee, i know that it would be the same answer even if it were someone or something else that i wanted.

it was a desperate measure. and i'm kindof ashamed. and really disappointed.

we went to the bar where he took me that night.

after nina sent him a message asking him where to find the finest beer on a tuesday, to which he didn't respond.

and of course i was there with nina and my sister. and of course all night i watched the door and the bar from above. waiting and waiting for him to pop in.

but what if he had? i mean, really? i don't even know. and i know that is why it didn't happen. cosmically speaking, it will happen when i am able to act on it.

i just can't shake this desire to push him quite literally into a corner and ask him why why why?

and then demand that he take me away and talk to me until the sun comes up.

i wonder if this will take on that pam and jim thing. where the timing is never right. like somehow finding out that i'm married pushed him to want to be, and that now that i'm not going to be anymore, he'd be the severest form of taken.

and what difference does any of it really make? he'd never come to be with me. and i don't know that i could ever go back home. though i'm also willing to admit that he'd be the only thing that could ever get me back there.

therapy. oh, i cannot wait.

wish i could have a two hour session, in a way.

i cannot wait to get everything out. and to chock up to coffee. and to see what she thinks of it.

boarding the plane very soon. empty flight. hopefully that means that i'll have a row to myself. and can down a couple beers before i land.

hells yeah. beer. makes everything easier and better.

kit is saving my ass, coming to pick me up from the airport.

i can't wait to see her. she had a shit time while i was away.

and it will be good to try to be there for her now, because she needs a friend.

home. march 8.

flying home.

i'm more excited than i thought i'd be. i'm less nervous than i thought i'd be.

however, i did not sleep last night.

i literally listened to takk and ( ) play straight through once each. i know i fell asleep long enough to have a tiny dream, because one of the pieces of paper i taped up to cover a window fell and woke me up with a start.

the music was over, so i restarted it. listened to takk, and must've dozed off and had a nightmare about ever telling my parents just before i could. just blurted it out, as if they already knew.

and i woke up from that and started the music again.

and i didn't fall back asleep after that. i got out of bed while the music was still on.

it was awful. i can't remember the last time i had such a hard time falling asleep. or staying asleep.

i was tossing and turning with scenarios playing out in my head of how this whole thing is about to go down.

i don't have my rings on, so if they're paying any kind of attention, they'll notice before i even have a chance to tell them.

and if not, i don't plan to make it very far before telling them. not even off of airport territory.

fifteen minutes of details that don't need to be shared with the grandparents.

i should be more scared. but i think they're just going to understand.

and i can't fathom that i wouldn't be bawling, so that will make it easier to say.

what will i say?

'it's over. and now i don't know what to do.'

too blunt?

'i'm sorry i lied to you both. we decided to end this on valentine's day, and it killed me not to tell you, but i just owe it to you both to tell you in person. this wasn't an easy decision.'


'i don't know what to do. i think i need a lawyer. and i don't want one and i don't want to pay one. i think we have to sell the house in september to avoid being taxed to hell, and i don't want to sell the house.'

and then,

'i just had to break away and start over. i'm trying not to feel like a bad person, and this is not only because of not being in love, because i was willing to work through that. this was just two people who are unwilling to make sacrifices anymore. i have given all that i can give. i am wrung out and exhausted. and now i'm a 32 year old kid starting over.'


'by the way, when i talked to you on friday night and you asked what i was doing, and i said hanging out, that was a lie. i was moving out. i've been in my halfway house apartment for three days now. and i should feel more sad than i feel. i should feel devastated. and i don't yet. i know i will. but i feel free, in a way.'


'going to the house makes me feel sick. i can't deal with it. i will have to go once a week, at a minimum for a while, until i can get a computer and an external hard drive and not use the one i left there. until he teaches his intern to do all the things i do for him. and the thought of doing our taxes makes me want to vomit.'

because i could really use the $2900 i'd be getting back if it were not for him.

i think i should just finish them this week. and then tell him how much he owes for that.

i hate flying days.

i'm so nervous now. it's getting down to it. twenty minutes until i should leave. and that still puts me there a couple hours early. i wish i could do something else for a while. but i am too afraid to.

i was really getting somewhere with my writing last night. it hurt. quite a bit. i was incredible sad. fighting tears even as i wrote it out. and then, of course, after i wrote all that, and after kit left (she dropped off a book for nina), i pulled a classic tea move.

i grabbed the dream journal.

it is not a dream journal, that's just what it says.

it is the journal where i made my three life-changing mistakes.

the one where i turned down the sun. the one when i last spent an evening curled up with coffee. and the one when i met ever.

oh, those weeks in november of 2000. what i wouldn't give for a do-over.

and re-reading it every time makes me feel so sick over things i forget every time.

why was i so stubborn? he had his mouth in the vicinity of mine for hours. and i wrote that he couldn't just put his face there and hope i sneeze or something and kiss him. he kissed my forehead, even.

how could he miss my mouth by so much?

and here i sit. again. rehashing rehashing. maybe writing the memoir won't fix me after all.

in six hours i'll be home telling my mom and dad what my life has become. and now, coffee coffee coffee.

i am one sick little girl.

day two. march 7.

and another day means another way to feel, i guess.

yesterday was the festival. which was awesome. and i do wish that i hadn't been looking for coffee there, because it makes me feel like a special person. as in, short bus.

and i was honestly incredibly glad that he wasn't there.

because it would have only made my heart flutter.

and i do not want my heart to flutter. panic attacks are the closest thing i'll allow myself to that.

i had such a good time with kit, from the time that we got on the train to go, then off the train through a sea of scalpers to a line for the shuttle buses.

and when two old yellow-orange school buses rolled up to fetch us all, we could not stop laughing. i was singing this silly song all morning, 'beeeeer beer-beer, beeeer beer-beer' and cracking myself up.

and then there were the school buses to take a bunch of would-be drunks to the beer festival.

it was awesome.

i could not escape the thought of how tiny the seats were, and how big i felt on the bus. about how the scale of things changes as you grow. i write about it alot, and this was just another example. how badass i used to feel on the bus, trying to sit as close to the 'cool kids' in the back of the bus without getting cast out, sorta standing, with my weight on one knee and my arm draped between the back of the seat in front of me and the one behind me. when i was small.

kit reminded me of the coveted seat over the wheel well. i'd forgotten about that one. and getting airborne over big bumps in the road. speed bumps in the drop off lane upon arrival.

and yesterday, standing in the aisle, bouncing over bumps in the road.

and we got to the line as it was starting. which at first seemed like a bummer, but about two hours in, i think we were glad, and we left before it was over to avoid further inebriation.

so many things to try. and the only thing i couldn't drink was barleywine. everything else was really good. i did stick to lagers and ales and belgian whites/doubles/trippels. it was fantastic.

everyone was so festive and friendly and HAPPY. to be surrounded by maybe a thousand ?? people who were all smiling, and drinking, and happy. in their element. it was great.

every so often someone would raise a glass and yell 'oooohhhhhh', and the whole hall would fill with a resounding echo of the call and several hundred glasses were in the air. it was awesome.

i didn't see anyone i knew. one lady who looked like a customer from work, but that was it.

and we drank. and ate. and drank more. and ate more. chose a favorite, had seconds.

and then it was over. and we were heading out to the drunken school buses.

and the ride back was almost as priceless as the way there, only it was better.

i knew there would be drunken singing, i called it on the way there. and there was.

someone started singing tiny dancer but lost the words a couple lines in. then someone started the wheels on the bus, and it stuck in a big way.

they did the wheels, they did the mama, they did the baby, and when they sang the wipers, the bus driver turned on the wipers.

it was incredible. so funny. so fun.

and then kit got a piece of bad news on the way home from there, and we both sobered up a little. and went to her place and sat in silence doing things online.

and then got the bug to shop.

i spent way too much money yesterday. waaaay too much.

but i wasn't being frivelous. i lost almost everything when i left, so i had to replace some things.

word to the wise: if you need a tv, they have completely stopped making anything other than flat panels now.

it blew my mind completely! there was one old school tv at walmart (i know - i suck - i felt my iq drop like 8098436 points when i walked through the parking lot), and it cost just as much as the cheapest flat panel they had. unbelievable. so we went to best buy and got the super deluxe version...

to have a tv you can see, you have to drop at least $300, which is what i ended up doing, to not take ever's tv from him, and to watch the things i love and to play the wii.

and i'm glad, because it will be so super easy to move in two months. and hopefully i'll have it forever.

so the wii is hooked up. i spent $40 on a dvd player. forgot the vcr at the house. which i'm so sure is also soon to be obsolete. but i have a few vhs movies that i don't want to live without, so i'll have to get that soon.

we were up late, playing scrabble and such. it was fun.

and then i slept. and dreamt of coffee again. two nights in a row.

my dream last night was so sweet. i walked past him in a big room with tables and chairs and he was talking to this older woman. and when i walked past he got up and grabbed my arm. told the lady he wanted to talk to me. the lady got up and left, i had realized this was his therapist, that she was counseling him through something rough, and that i had inadvertently interrupted.

and he was just telling me he wanted to talk to me and i told him i wanted to talk to him, too. rubbed his back through a sweater, and we comforted each other. and just talked.

that's all i remember. i couldn't will myself back to sleep. no matter how hard i tried to get further in with him.

and how am i so completely fucking INSANE that all i want right now is to sit across from him and tell him all the ways that my life went so wrong, and how all i want is to get it back to the point where we were friends who spent a lot of time together, and how i let my life become something i couldn't even recognize as my own anymore. and that i'm taking it back. i'm taking it all back. goonies style.

i'm sad. but more than sad, i'm angry.

and why is it that i feel like a hug from him would fix things? because i am a repeater. because all i want is to drop the line about lake highland, and have him come stare at stars with me.

ever is consistently accusing me of leaving him for someone else. and while that is very incredibly far from the truth, it is true that this boy stole my heart so long ago, and that it feels like only he could fix it. i want to find his doppleganger in a year from now and start over with him.

i really want him. but the logistics are retarded, and i know it could never be. despite the fact that nina is in the back of my head repeating, 'maybe he was waiting for you', and him in the back of my head repeating 'i only write love letters'. because i wish that he was waiting for me. is. that he felt one inkling of what i felt for him. and that those letters were written to me. like the sizable stack of journals i have dedicated to energy wasted on him. and the pile of poetry i have written about him.

he never did. he never will.

but what i wouldn't give for one more chance.

just one more chance.

to start over. to start again. better yet, the time machine to go back in time. but because that also will never happen, just one more chance.

i had been dreaming of that chance for the past few months. and i didn't get it yesterday. and i also probably won't get it in the next three days. and two nights.

i cannot stop thinking about him. the pattern. one boy to the next. who cares about the fact that it was a seven year MARRIAGE after two years of dating? nine years. it doesn't matter. i will always ALWAYS come back to him. and waste no time in the shift.

and i need to address this at my next two therapy sessions, because i hope that my shrink can talk some sense into me. i'm so frustrated with my life and my choices and my patterns.

and that i always come back to him. i hate it. i wish it wasn't me, i wish i was over it.

and what scares me the most is that i'm afraid i will never be over it. i will never get over him. ever.

i just want to shake him. and i know myself. tempting fate. and wishing. birthday candles and all.

and i know where i'll be tomorrow night. and i know who i'll be looking for. all night long. wishing and wanting. thinking 'i'm right here. please just walk past me right now. so i can grab your sleeve, and pull you in. and just talk to you.'

to be drunk-ish and vulnerable and to happen into him. again. like in december. when i had already realized that my marriage was doomed. and then saw him, and knew why.

because all i want in this life is to find a boy just like him to settle down with. and if my payback is that he falls out of love with me and leaves me, then at least i will have lived and loved and spent nine years with a boy that i wanted to spend every waking breathing moment with.

and if i see him, i have to ask him things this time.

why do you look at me like that?

why didn't you kiss me when you had the chance?

why were you so content to let me slip away?

i wouldn't actually ask him that last question, because that says entirely too much about what i'm bottling up inside.

i'd just say that i miss the time of my life when we were friends. and that i wish i could have that time back.

and enjoy it. really truly enjoy it this time.

kit says i'm not crazy or irrational or illogical for thinking about him now. two whole days after leaving my husband.

because it makes sense that after so many years of being so discontent with my life, and thinking about him in the background the whole time, of course i'm going to come back to him and put him in the forefront when it's once again an option. no matter how far fetched an option, now at least it is an option.

sandalwood. pantene. champa. i still remember how he smelled. what he liked. what he loved.

and i only wish that it was me.

i am free.

free to continue to make mistakes.

free to continue to learn from them.

free to try to get an ounce of that happiness back.

i am free.

and i am so so so alone.

day one. march 6.

i don't have words for the way i feel.

all i can do is say what i'm doing, i guess.

first of all, i woke up to birds chirping. it seems that spring is officially here.

so that was both nice and annoying. nice, if it had been maybe 9 am when they started chirping, but i'm nearly positive that i was up between 630 and 7 with them.

then, i was laying in bed for about an hour. tossing and turning in a panic. again. i was thinking about work, but then it switched over to today, and where i am and why i am here at all.

yesterday was the strangest day. it was one of the hardest things i've had to do, but not as hard as i thought it would be, if that makes any sense at all.

i have pretty much been in a state of panic for about a week now. every morning i wake up with my heart racing. too much stress, too much to worry about. i hope i don't give myself an ulcer.

so i came home from work, and started packing and doing laundry. i was moving so quickly, and i was worried that i was forgetting everything, but went room by room and checked each maybe three times before i finally took all the boxes downstairs.

i never thought my life would fit so neatly into about 30 boxes and four milk crates.

but it really did. i left a sizeable stack of boxes at the house. for maybe two months. because i didn't want to have to move them twice and i don't need any of it now. but i still might bring them. just to be done with it.

so i had to clean out the car before i could load the car for the first trip. and ever looked outside, and i caught his eye for a second before he shut the door and went inside. i think he was surprised that i was really leaving.

and the whole time, i just had this feeling like all the neighbors were watching me, and knowing what was happening. i was loading the car in broad daylight. and it was mortifying.

'she's leaving her husband. they JUST moved in here.'

i could almost hear the words. it was embarrassing.

so i managed to load the car at a nice clip. stacked and packed to the brim.

i was dreading starting to pack it, but once i started it, i went as quickly as i could move, just trying to get it over with. up and down stairs, into the car. locking and unlocking the car, opening and closing the front door.

i just kept thinking, if i take a break, or go back inside and sit down, i'm going to stop. and that can't happen.

so when the last box was in, i stood outside the car for a second, looking at the front door of the house. and locked the door and drove to the apartment.

i parked illegally, which encouraged a speedy unload. i was really panicky at that point. i think i started to shake a few days ago and haven't stopped yet. i'm still shaking. my hands just constantly tremble.

so everything was in. my head was pounding, which i only realized this morning was from a lack of hormones, as it was my first day of the week off of birth control (the equivalent of the sugar pills in the pack). which gives me migraines. i only remembered this morning when i woke up with another killer headache.

so. my legs were all wobbly after bringing things down from the second floor of the house, and into the car, and up to the second floor of the apartment.

smoked on the way back to the house, for the second load, which had yet to be packed.

and packed so fast, it was a race, definitely. i wanted to get out. i wanted to be done. i was so exhausted from a physical day of moving stuff around between stores at work, and then with all the packing and carrying boxes up and down and loading. just BEAT.

so i packed and made my second trip's pile by the front door. ever had been hiding out upstairs so as to not have to see what was happening.

i'd told him on monday after kit signed her lease that it was a done deal, and that i'd be out on friday.

so he had plenty of warning.

and every day, with the 'so you're still leaving me on friday?'

anyways, i was packing and he started telling me little things he'd thought of, like taking the ihome for my ipod. we also have a sound dock, which was the one i wanted. so he agreed that i could take that one. and i told him i was taking the alarm clock because i'm used to it and need it for work - he does not.

and he said he was going out with friends, and told me where he was going so i wouldn't go there and bump into him. and kept asking me if i was just staying in and drinking. repeatedly. to which i said, i don't know, but probably.

everything was fine.

then he told me he needed the car, so i was trying to figure out how to get the car there and my bike to the apartment. and today was the festival, so i knew i wouldn't want to deal with it before that.

he was leaving, to avoid what i was doing. i gave him a hug, neither of us said a word.

he said he needed the car. so i told him i'd bring it back.

and then i made the mistake of telling him that i was going to the festival, and that i'd bring the car back after my second trip so i didn't have to worry about it.

and he just kept saying that he can't believe how much i've changed, and that he can't believe how much i drink now, and some random jab about my new 'party clubbing lifestyle' (i go dancing one night a month, and pointed that out).

and i countered by telling him that i have taken a crutch with beer, in the same way that he incessantly smokes weed. and that when i started to drink, i stopped ragging on him about the weed. which i did. i have not mentioned weed since before we decided to end this mess.

and of course, he had nothing to say to that. only that drinking impairs my judgment and that he's worried about me.

and i let it go.

he said that a bunch of his friends (the ones i'm not crazy about) are going to the festival also, i said, 'oh great. my favorite people...i'll see them there.'

and he just shook his head, that i'd decided to go i guess.

and as he was walking out, from the first floor, he called up to me. 'hey, tea?'

and i yelled back 'yeah?'

then, 'have fun at your bro party.'

to which i replied, 'yeah, i will. because that is why i'm going.'

and he shut the door and locked it. and that was that.

once he was gone, i found somehow a higher gear to kick myself into. and went about loading the car.

our dog just watched me, and it was killing me. she just whined while i came in and out with all the boxes.

i cried once on thursday night, the last night in the house, because she'd come in to curl up and sleep with me. and also on friday once the last box was in the foyer. when i told her goodbye i totally lost it. i told her that i was sorry and to be good and to eat her food. it broke my fucking heart.

and it was over.

i checked the house once more, and headed over with the last trip.

unloaded everything by the time kit showed up, and helped with the mattress up the stairs. she brought over kickass tools to make easier work of the ikea assembling.

i actually slept pretty well last night, surprisingly.

and woke up with the birds and the sun, and worked alot around the apartment, organizing, unpacking, writing this...


i'm already doing some pretty funny things.

i keep speaking in terms of 'we'. it's pretty odd. i wonder how long it will take until i shake that habit.

also, i keep thinking/talking about ever in the past tense. the way you do when someone dies. which is really strange and uncomfortable, also. because obviously he's not dead. but the things he has done and said are now a part of my past, instead of my present, instead of my future.

the refrigerator in the new place hums as it kicks on and off. and when it's on, it makes this funny whistling noise, which sounds like distant roman candles.

which is pretty cool. because i love the fourth of july.