the bribe. august 21st.

so dad called this morning.

and he said, 'pack your bags, grab your bathing suit. i bought a jet ski.'

and started laughing. like a kid.

in some ways, my dad is a big kid. he's just now at that point in his life where he's adding to his toy collection.

and we talked for a bit. and he asked if i could come down for labor day.

and i should. because it's the longest weekend i'll have between now and thanksgiving when it will be too cold to use the jetski.

but i had already determined that i couldn't go home then, which is why i asked chalk up.

i haven't talked to him since we made the unofficial plans, so i don't really know if he is going to come up then or if he has found a ticket.

so i told dad i'd look, knowing i don't have money for it. knowing that work is going to be hectic the week before and after the holiday. and i know that i shouldn't go anyway.

but i guess he thought i'd be able to get away then. because he hung up with me, and called me back like an hour later, asking if i'd found a ticket.

i told him there are a few reasons why i don't think i can make it that weekend. but also that i really can't afford a ticket right now anyway. there are cheap tickets.

but i still can't get one.

so he said, just come after work on friday. leave on monday afternoon. we'll buy your ticket.


i'll see what chalk says. sex here for four days vs a trip home for two and a half. hmm. never had to make that choice/decision before. first time for everything. and of course i can have both, if i time two trips right. but how will the chips fall?

air travel drains me. but more pool/sun/lake time is sure to be what i need. one last hurrah. so long, sweet summer. helllllloooooo, fall.

it's trying to change over here. a couple days ago, it was barely 80. i think phila is ready for summer to be over. even this weekend is cooler than 90, with a delightful breeze.

so i tried to fix iphone again today.

this trip to the apple store was effective. thanks, kit, for forcing me to go, and for not making me go alone.

she made the funniest joke.

i was bitching about not wanting to go alone. and being whiny in general.

and she said, 'didn't you do laundry yesterday?'

and i said yes, knowing there was a joke in there somewhere, but not knowing what it was.

and she said, 'then put on your big girl pants and go!'

hi-larious. cracked me right up.

so he said there were little metal arms sticking to the tray, keeping it from sliding back out again. he popped it out a couple times to prove that he fixed it. and, now if at&t jacks it up, apple is three little blocks away. miss breezy liked the weekend ride with cricket (kit's bike) and got me there in record time. she'll do the same tomorrow.

i have another headache. it isn't beer's fault this time. i wish i didn't have these things all period every period. every day gets kindof annoying.

on a positive note, kindof, i finished all the mixed cds for everyone today. i made probably ten for brownies, and a few for this boy tony who sent me r.e.m. dvds. and burned a couple for nina and two for aubree.

wrote nice letters for each. i missed the deadline for the post office though, in an effort to write out track listings for the mixed cds.

actually, i didn't. but the offices closed early. at 330, which is not to be confused with 4, mine was closed. so i went to the old one, fearing a run in with ever for some shit reason. and the woman was standing by the door to lock me out, but i went in anyways.

and with great phila attitude, she helped me. only i was buying the boxes to ship them in, so they weren't filled out. so i bought everything and left. they'll go out monday. and hopefully get there somewhat quickly.

i love sending music away. as i wrote out the track listings, i patted myself on the back for having mad skills in the mixed cd department.

i hope they like them.

because i love almost all of them.

aside from that, tonight we go out with a friend, kim, to catch up. she wanted to do something different, but for us that means the same old thing, because she wanted to go to the place where we have gone every day this week, just about.

i'll take it. i just won't eat that ginormous plate of nachos tonight. because that was a ridiculous amount of food last night. and the other half today for breakfast/lunch/dinner at 5 was also too much. and now i feel gross.

one day i'll care enough to change my decisions.

and from the balance in my checkbook, with putting some cash aside, i'll be making fewer bad decisions out of necessity.

i hate my end of month paycheck. rent takes up half of it, and bills pretty much the other half. the first of the month check is the sweet one. if i can put double money aside, it will help.

i don't know what to do about going home. part of me wants to, part of me wants florida to come here. i don't want to worry about work from afar, because that is a mental prep weekend for me. and if i go home later in the month, then i won't have a three day weekend to spend there.

decisions, decisions. i sent chalk a note asking how far he'd gotten into his trip planning, but he hasn't been around, so i don't know yet.

i'm sure i'll talk to him tonight after i'm nice and mellow from a trip to the bar.

that'll do. it's all that is on my mind.

payday. august 20th.

so i started my new plan today.

i wrote myself a check for $100. i'll have nine by the time i go home, to use instead of a pay check so i can go without being paid.

and pulled out cash to put in the can for spending money when i go home.

i'm getting excited about chalk already.

once he gets his ticket the countdown will begin.

it makes me okay with being bored and staying in on a friday night.

i did some much needed cleaning around here. and went to the laundromat for the first time in a year and a half, if not two.

it was nice to be done so quickly. this one is much cheaper than the old one. so that was a nice bonus.

cleaning while washing was good, with kit's company. and then the bar while things were drying was even better.

nachos for dinner? not so much. but whatever.

i'm tired of being tired and stressed.

yesterday fixed my head a little and today cemented it. easy day at work, feeling great about my new hire. she's adorable and very animated and the customers seem to like her, too.

even if dan and the ex-manager don't. let's name her, shall we? we'll call her crystal.

new girl is quinn.

i'm afraid that dan and crystal will be mean to her, in an effort to snub her. because, despite being over thirty, they're like working with high school kids.

and today, pam told them that her sister was coming back.

and crystal said, 'even with management? are you sure she's going to be happy here?'

i'm now the only manager.

she reiterated her point several times.

i want to slap her, but it won't knock any sense into her, so what difference would it even make?

none whatsoever.

i think i was hard on myself the second half of this week because of work.

it felt good to snap and make a decision with crystal. and dan's is coming soon.

i want quinn to understand how to do the ordering before i take it away from him, but something has to change, because his numbers are way out of whack.

i don't want to talk or think or write about work. just like i didn't want to at my session this week.

but it's all i could think about this week.

not even ever got that much space in my brain.

and it feels good to retreat from that.

everything at work is falling into place.

there is a certain amount of unexpectedness, but it's all fine. because i'll have two weeks behind me, and possibly a chalk visit under my belt. and a star party at the end of that week.

things are looking up, but i'm not really feeling it yet.

i get excited when i think about the stars and chalk, but it fades quickly.

i think i'm still recovering from nate's boring weekend here last week.

it made me kindof self-conscious, even though i normally wouldn't care.

just like tonight at the bar when samantha asked me where the guy was that i was all lovey dovey with.

i had to say he was visiting from florida, he's just a friend, and that he was my bunny slope.

it made me feel funny, like i was defending him or me, but didn't feel like i did anything wrong.

i guess when they only ever see me with kit there, it was really out of character to see me with a boy who kept kissing me behind my ears at the bar.

and nate telling me how boring this city is made me feel like i was doing something wrong, even though this will be a great weekend. where i lay in the air conditioning and write and make mixed cds. because that's what i do to relax. there's nothing wrong with not wanting to run myself ragged. but he made me feel like there was.

and i don't know why i suddenly have started to care about what other people think of me and the decisions i make. maybe that is a topic for another day.

the recurring theme this week has been the 'kitchen sink' thing.

it's when something goes wrong, and it feels like everything goes wrong. or when you're bitching about something and then start rattling off the laundry list of shit that is pissing you off. or when you're sad about one specific thing, and then about every tiny thing that doesn't even matter.

i've been there for a couple weeks. partly hormonal. partly ever. partly work. each aspect of my life has had its turn.

and i think i'm always that way, but i've been particularly aware of it lately. because, before, it was always about work. or always about ever. but never about everything all at once.

i have been an eeyore lately. and i don't like it. but i also haven't tried to find my way out of it.

depressed state continues on.

and maybe if chalk wasn't coming back. i'd have made an effort to go out tonight to look at boys.

but instead, i had a ridiculously huge dinner at the bar, and stared at the bartender whose name is mikey. every time i see him, he just gets hotter.

but i'm mostly sure he knows he's hot, so he's probably not very nice. kit said, 'him? really? he's a dick.'

but that is precisely what it is about, now isn't it?

he has something i want. and i'm just too drained to even think about doing anything about it. and certainly not doing anything about it with the guy who works at the bar i go to, on average, four times a week.

i'll just sit here and wait for it to come to me.

it fits in perfectly with the whole laziness theme i have going on right now as well.


i'm tired of hear-thinking myself write this all out right now.

waah waah waah.

get over it, tea.

just get over yourself.

and your issues.

quit your bitchin.

and tomorrow, get out of bed and do something with your day.

since you got all the business out of the way today.

and now?

ibuprofen for this killer headache.

and after that?


cause that is what boring people do at 1030 on a friday night.

motivation. august 19th.

things that motivate me:

dark sky park
vacation planning

things that make me happy:

dark sky camping
getting lost in the sky
a trip home not spent in a hospital
christmas with my family for the first time in eight years

it's only a little sad that i won't be there for another four months.

i think this christmas is going to be one for the books.

and every year i say that new years has significance for me.

because i believe that the way i spend new years is reflective of how i'll spend my year.

and new years at home? i don't know how that will be. if i'll be out. if i'll be with my family or my friends. if i'll be at a party. who i'll be around. if i'll be bored. if i'll change my mind about moving home. if i'll feel good or bad or happy or sad.

i didn't really think before i bought the ticket. i just did it.

because they were on sale. and because i wanted to have something good to look forward to.

i had a dream last night that i still remember.

i was with ash, an old employee who i'm friends with on fb, whose birthday was this week.

i don't know why, i haven't seen him in six years, but we were flying to amsterdam together or something. i got this ticket somehow. and we were going to the airport to fly out, and i realized that i didn't have a passport and that i had to cancel my ticket and that meant he was going alone.

it was strange. but i woke up. and i thought 'i really need to get my passport.' kit brings it up about once every couple weeks.

so the shrink was alright. i was struggling to find things to talk about, and she was talking to me more this time, which was good for me.

i think the biggest thing to come from today was when she said,

'you seem really unsettled. from what you're telling me and what i see when i look at you while you're talking.'

and if i didn't use that word before, it's a perfect synopsis.

she relates it to my dependence upon ever, to move forward. because i don't have control right now, and because i don't know what the next step is if he does nothing, it's creating anxiety.

which i'm perfectly aware of having.

this is the most stressed out i've been, and though it's mostly coming from work related stuff right now, ever is a source, too. i told her that i've been sad for a while, but can't pinpoint it. that i've been thinking about ever a lot, but not in a specific way, and that some days i want to go home and some days i don't.

that when it's a good day, i think i'll be bored. and when it's a bad day, i want the comforts of home.

and she thinks that is just because of the support i have there.

i told her that sometimes i just want a job with no responsibility. and she told me that when i get this stressed out about work, i need to ask for help.

and chalk's coming back.

i clarified a couple of important things before asking.

it's like the plane ticket.

i left the session after talking about it. and got in my car.

and got really excited thinking about asking chalk for a visit.

and got home after a productive day at work, and bought my ticket and asked him. well, he made a comment about coming over. and then i asked him.

so i have things to look forward to. and that makes me feel better.

especially the part about going home for two weeks.

it's going to be good practice for living there. and the halfway point from summer to summer.

it should be a good time. even without the pool.

there's always the hot tub...

bald. august 18th.

all of my hair is going to fall out.

if my shower drain is any indication, i'm well on my way.

i read that if my part doesn't widen, i shouldn't worry.

but i still do. every morning when i shower.

it's awful.

i'm worried that soon there will be nothing left.

so i emailed kenna tonight. i wanted her to know where i am mentally, because i just don't have the ability to make things look better than they are anymore.

i'm tired. i can't get enough rest to not be.

i start out tired.

i woke up at 630. got out of bed at like 830.

i think i am in a depressed state. i've been this way for a while.

i had a moment of excitedness last night.

i checked my email after midnight and had the hardest time falling asleep because we got our confirmation for dark sky.

i honestly laughed and cried at the same time for a second when i read it.

i need this trip so badly.

i was sincerely bummed when i gave up hope on getting in.

now that i have it back, i have something to look forward to.

i know for a fact that when i'm there, none of this will matter. at least for two and a half days.

we'll come home exhausted. but enlightened and inspired.

kit needs it more than i do.

but i need the healthy escape.

because the little walks to the bar every night are starting to blur together and saying that i don't want to do it doesn't make it any less likely to happen.

i see the shrink in the am. i'm glad. but i also think i'm going to cry. and that doesn't make me look forward to going.

it's funny. i'm excited to talk about chalk weekend. because it was a success and because i did it and because i didn't go to old habits, and because i am glad i did it. because it feels good to do something different.

and be completely honest in my analysis of it.

with my psychoanalyst.

then work.

next week is going to be a nightmare. and there's no getting around it. but at least cat can put up a sign about closing the sucky store. because i cannot see a way to not do it right now.

it will be better.

i will get over it.

i just hate feeling like i'm not doing my job well, and i am killing myself in some ways, but not having any success with advancing.

manager posted something on her fb yesterday. a quote from the dalai lama about people putting their own interests above others creating a hard time for themselves.

it was very poetic. and maybe it is just me, but i felt like that was aimed at me.

and what's funny is that it is her own selfishness that cost her the job title.

i almost liked it. but didn't want to be so brazen.

sleep is my friend.

up at 7.

i'll have a lot to write tomorrow.

i'm glad that i'm more than halfway to a weekend. it's going to be nice to be alone and quiet and relaxing again.

so last night i found a ticket home for christmas.

$100 each way.

december 20 to january 4.

i want to do it.

eight days without pay.

i have to save up now for it.

and i have to buy it tomorrow if i want the sale price. if it's still available.

i hesitate, on the heels of what i just said about the job i'm doing right now.

i need to smarten up with my money.

i need to save, not spend.

i need to go back on something that resembles a diet so i stop eating fried food at bars every night and start cooking again.

if i ever feel better.

seems like i hit this point about once a month.

maybe it's blood loss.

maybe it's the beer.

maybe i'm just always going to feel like this.

it means that next week would traditionally be an awesome week.

guess that will have to wait until september when things level out a little.

it will be okay.

everything will be okay.

my new old as dirt mantra.

it will all be okay.

in a parallel universe... august 17th.

so i woke up today. on the dot.

turns out all that food and moodiness and bitchiness and sensitivity and headaches were for the reason i thought, just a week earlier than it was last month.

a relief. but also an unpleasant surprise.

it explains everything from this weekend. EVERYTHING.

so i left something out the other night when i wrote. not on purpose. i just didn't think of it while i was writing, since.

when i went to that dinner party with kit, the apartment the party was in... it's just incredible.

it was my third or fourth time there. i think fourth.

the couple who lives there is cool. i wrote about them before, because right when i left ever i went there, and they had a brand new baby and it made me nearly cry.

in any case, they bought a house and are moving very soon. so they were throwing their last dinner party there before the move.

and were asking every person who came in if they needed a place to live.

because they're trying to help the landlord out by getting a quality person in the place.

let me describe this apartment.

first of all, it's in a very posh neighborhood. i'd say up-and-coming, but it's already there.

first floor is an art gallery storefront.

it's on the block with one of the best bars in the city, a bowling alley, and a couple blocks from EVERYTHING in that section of town.

it's prime real estate, put lightly.

up the stairs to the second floor, the front door. you come in, and either go right to the bedrooms or left to the living room.

it's just gorgeous. exposed brick everywhere. spiral ductwork (industrial air conditioning ductwork that is exposed). wood floors.

huge open living room. with a balcony off of it, overlooking main street in the neighborhood.

gourmet kitchen.

maybe it's being stuck with such a shitty kitchen that makes this kitchen my dream kitchen.

dishwasher. awesome range. a bar that faces into the open kitchen.

then down a skinny hall to two rooms i haven't seen. a big bedroom and a tiny second room that they use as a nursery.

honestly, the same is the case for the bathroom. it was just redone. completely tiled out. it's kinda smaller, but has a washer and a dryer in it. and a big awesome tub.

so this is the thing:

for the same amount of money i pay right now, i could be sharing this space with someone. if i could share space with someone. if i could live in that neighborhood, it's on the opposite side of the city. really far from my work, as far as biking goes.

it's like i need a rich boyfriend who can swing it. it's perfect for a couple. it's really expensive, but not for what you get. it's literally double my rent, so i could not do it alone.

but fucking a.

i spent the whole night looking around.

if i could deal with a teeny bedroom and a roommate and moving and biking really far, i could live there.

quality of life.

wanting to be home all the time.

more access to this city's charms (bars/restaurants) than i have now, which is pretty hard to fathom.

stumbling distance to the club.

less than a block to the train.

and went out on the balcony to smoke. and almost finish everything is illuminated.

and just kept thinking about it.

and went home thinking about it.

and laid in bed thinking about it.

and two days later?

yeah. still thinking about it.

it's not an option.

i can't do it.

but it's just that feeling.

some day.

some day i'll love the place where i live and cook and sleep.

and i will live there and cook there and sleep there more.

i wonder if part of the amazingness of that apartment is just the people who live there and go to parties there.

their furniture is awesome, too, and it's not staying, so i can't really imagine it being empty.

maybe there will be pictures that i can post later.

it's really something.

in any case, tomorrow is delaware day. which means lots of driving and thinking and listening to music for me.

i both love and hate office days.

they give me a lot of fodder for bitching. but also a lot of time alone. and purchasing cheaper things like gas and cigarettes. and lottery tickets.

but i'm afraid of the time to think, in a way.

i can't seem to stop lately. and i don't like it.

it's been a lot of what if's.

and when if's.

i don't know what i want.

i don't know where i want it.

and all i feel is sadness right now, but there's no specific reason why.

fifty bucks i don't have says that i know by the end of my session on thursday at 830 with my shrink.

i'm interviewing another girl tomorrow.

taking it easy. because i worked way too hard today. and i think i found manager's replacement. which is a relief. she's not one of us. meaning, a punk in some way shape or form.

but she's good. or seems it.

tomorrow is her shift, we'll see how it goes.

breaking point. august 16th.

so today, i snapped.

i knew it was coming. and i guess if you're ready for it, and prepared for it, it might not really be snapping.

but i reached the breaking point with manager. and i resolved to finish her today. and i did.

demoted. and somehow she still does not get any of it, despite the breakdown.

i don't know. she started with the multiple texts pretty early today. and i don't remember now what it was about. but i asked her if she got in touch with choice number three.

and she sent back multiple more, without saying.

so i asked again.

same thing, multiple, didn't say.

the third time i asked i was already pissed. and she said she was about to then.

and? when i went to demote her a few hours later, she hadn't gotten a call back.

so now we're on #4 pick.

i've set up a few new people for tomorrow. for me to deal with.

i don't know. she gets super upset when i mess with her pay rate.

and what's funny is that this was a trial run for the summer anyway, according to her.

so how she's shocked at this point, i don't know.

but she actually asked me, 'so you're going to manage the store and do the inventory and the schedule and the paperwork?'

to which i said yes.

and then later texted me, 'so you're going to manage it, but i'm still going to get paid the same?'

are you serious?


i can't call her what she is enough to get it all out of my system.

i didn't know that one could be so so dumb.

and now i know, despite giving her another chance born out of my desperation, that she cannot ever do this job. not any way. not ever again.

all she wants is the money. not the responsibility.

and i am done with her.

the fallout will be interesting.

i'm pegging dan for turning in two week's notice. by the end of the week for added bonus. but i think he leaves in september.

and the manager, who is now the non manager? i bet she starts the process of trying to look for a job, and ultimately staying here forever. because she's too lazy to actually try to get a job.

i don't know. if she did, she'd surprise me.

so, fine. i give her until christmas to up and leave. but she tends to do that in the form of moving to nyc or california or florida.

but i'm calling it now.

and if only lauren hadn't been so eager to leave. she's have this in the bag.

but she's young. i envy her freedom. to bike to austin. just a super cool kid. more power to her.

other than all that work bullshit that is both boring and annoying to blog about, what a waste of space, there is not much else today.

i talked to my mom tonight.

after taking a call from my dad last night at the dinner party.

things with grandparents are progressively suckier, so i felt worse instead of better. i've been avoiding them anyway, because i haven't been happy or positive, and it was a super bummer conversation.

can we just stop getting older now, please? because this kinda sucks.

i told nina earlier, when i have a bad day here, i just want to go home. and when i feel like i'm needed there, it pulls on me even harder.

i haven't talked to aubree in like two weeks, which is highly unusual. we just miss each other when one of us can talk.

but it's funny, too, because nate said something this weekend about moving home, and i told him that, right then, it didn't sound so good to me. and that all of kit's talk about moving to new york lately sounds much better.

i guess home sounded bad because i was thinking about how hard it was to find something to do here, and how much harder it would be to find something to do there.

it will be all about making the place where there is something to do there. i'll be making the place where people go to do something.

after the last years of feeling trapped, i don't know that it's wise or smart. that would be a huge commitment. and i don't know that this is the time in my life to be doing that. well, nine months from now.

some day i won't sway so much, so often.

i am assuming that this is p-pms stuff. not quite there yet, but on my way to it. and allowing undeserving emotions have their rule over me.

i see the shrink on thursday morning, early.

i don't know what to talk about. i'm sure i'll have more fodder for her by then.

new/old bad/recurring habits:

smoking more.

drinking more.

laying in bed more.

writing more and reading more.

(which aren't bad, but it means that i'm laying and sitting more.)

eating when i'm not hungry.

living on carbs. again.

baking and eating dessert. all the time.

changing soon. something's gotta give.

all my new vacation clothes are getting tighter now, and that is not acceptable.

after this pms for real is over, it's time to partner up with st atkins yet again.

i cannot believe the will power i have when i'm on it, and the will power i abandon when i'm not.


back to the ice cream, brownies, popcorn, cigarettes, and pbr at hand.

strained and drained.

it's sunday.

i am not ready for the upcoming week.

i am not relaxed enough to start into a monday mentally prepared.

i didn't even manage to forget about ever over the weekend.

there was too much going on with too many references.

what was good was seeing a group of people who were mutual friends.

even though i didn't really feel like going, and completely feared awkwardness there, i took nate and kit with me, just in case. it was near the club, so it was mostly on the way.

but it was great. from what i could tell, everyone was genuinely happy to see me. they avoided the awkward questions.

and i didn't pry for info that i knew they'd have that i'm no longer privy to.

but it was fun. not awkward at all. and my biggest fear was that ever would show up. but i was nearly certain he wouldn't or else i wouldn't have gone.

and i was right.

and i ducked out of there so that i didn't have to see max, the one who quit without notice a couple weeks ago. another mutual friend of the birthday boy.

but it was good. it was nice to see all of them on my terms. and it felt good to do something with them, so they know that i'm not evil or bitter or any of the other things that ever has probably said to them since i'm not there to defend myself.

they all asked me how i was doing, and my smile spoke volumes, but telling them that i'm happy and great probably pushed it over the edge.

i was also relieved to not get the feeling that they thought any less of me for being so happy.

i guess that was another latent fear.

like, if they see ever all fucked up all the time, and then see me so happy, that they'd almost think i was some unfeeling bitch.

but i guess because i own my happiness, and because it shows me that i didn't make a mistake in leaving, maybe they'll see the difference in me. and maybe they will come to the conclusion that i was really tired and unhappy with ever. and maybe, somehow, someday, they'll understand that just because you see two people together, you don't see the threads that make up the fabric of their marriage. or that it's falling apart. or that the threads were polyester, not silk. or that the edges are all frayed and starting to unravel.

or that, in my case, the fabric has been so worn that it's not even really defined as fabric anymore.

i don't know. i hope that they can see all of that. that i'm still the sweet and accommodating person that i always was, just less a husband that was a dick.

and maybe now, after seeing me, they'll think a little more about why i can't see them in the places that i used to, because i'm not 'allowed'.

nate lit into me a couple times about ever. he unfriended him on facebook. and suggested that i get a restraining order against him.

suggested isn't the right word. he yelled at me because i told him i don't want to. and at one point, after a few beers, he said that someday if they find me with a slit neck or something, that at least they'd know where to start if i had a restraining order.

a bit dramatic, yes. but do you really think that i haven't thought it at least once? or that i'm less than certain that i should get one? because i'm sure i should. i just don't want it to effect the agreement and bargaining.

once the agreement is settled, i will get one.

and thank him for giving me the idea.

because i do wonder if he came by when i was with chalk. what are the chances of that timing?

i don't know. but the party was the right thing to do. and i got to see four people that i hadn't seen in six and eight months.

and somehow all seven of us avoided talking about ever. it was awesome.

so i'm happy. i'm glad to re-establish friendships with all of them. especially after knowing that ever had fed me the lie about two of them being the people who instigated trouble via facebook. because i know that he just put it off on them. and after seeing them and interacting with them, i am more certain of that than before.

and i said more than once to be in touch. invite me to things and i'll do the same. because i'm much less of a flake now that i was when i was with him. he never felt like doing anything in those days. and even though now he's mr social butterfly, i'm sure that they can deduce the changes that have made me the person i was before i met any of them.

everything else was mostly covered in the post that spanned a few days.

and now, monday.

what can i say about monday?

i have a lot to do this week. i need to make a list, but the thought of making a work list right now makes me want to vomit. so i won't.

but i've gotten behind again, despite having too little to do during the day. everything requires me being somewhere in person, and i didn't have that luxury this past week. maybe this week. it should be a relatively easy one, actually. not having to be stuck somewhere for eight hours will allow for some panini experiments, and a trip to delaware.

kenna's vacation must be coming to an end soon, so hopefully she'll be back in touch, too.

i don't know. there are a lot of little annoying errands to run as well, so this should be a week of catching up and feeling better.

and making some big changes with my employees as well. the ones that need an attitude adjustment, anyways.

now, a dinner party with kit. with a group of people who are smarter than me, but nice, and a lot of fun.

then, rest.

and, unfortunately, then, work.