heart condition. january 22nd.

i write this, six days before i will most likely have to make a mortgage payment.

dad is sending money. which i will unfortunately have to use.

court is now february 7th, though i don't really see any point to it.

the thing is, a judge can order him to pay everything. but if he has no money to pay it, then what good is that?

then he goes to jail? then what?

all the good that will come of it is him being forced out of the house.

this is only if he doesn't accept the offer, which is not likely at this point.

i think he has now given me enough information to know that he will, in a way, have to.

and if the judge doesn't order him out of the house, then the hearing will be a good thing, because it will force him to pay the mortgage with the rent money.

you know, this whole thing is starting to suck a lot more for me. when i thought he was being a vindictive piece of shit, things were much easier to feel and decide.

and as i said in the last post, i know that is why i'm finding out about all of these things right now.

after the email about his medical bills, on the heels of the news of his grandmother, things escalated further when he emailed me last night, in response to my email of links that i sent to him, about insurance and jobs with health benefits.

this email was one for the books.

in it, he basically said thanks for the info, but that he is being denied insurance because he has preexisting conditions.

he needs heart surgery.

he is going down the road of his dad and his uncle, dead at 41 and 42. that one doctor gave him 4 to 7 years to live, and one gave him 5 to 7. so he has to have surgery to try to prolong that.


turns out we were right about the young widow thing. had i stayed, that would have been my future it would seem. i cannot fathom if i was still there. if i was still acting as his wife. i would have been devastated. heartbroken.

but as it is, it dazed me. genuine surprise. and i thought about it while i washed a sink full of dishes.

i didn't respond. i feel like i can't.

he was supposed to have his walkthru today. and she canceled. rescheduled for monday.

more time passes.

* * *

ever texted me to talk tonight.

i know the funeral was today, so i made myself available, but told him that i was about to leave, so i could only talk for a minute.

just to save myself.

it made my stomach hurt something awful.

but he wanted to talk when time wasn't limited, so he didn't call me.


it has now paid off twice.

to go out when i really don't feel like it. going to a show for the second time, alone, was fantastic.

i collected a bunch of hugs, which made me so glad that i went.

not to mention really fun pop punk music that people actually started a couple circle pits to.

and i was watching, and saw the guy who ever referred to as the one writing the article about the business, and including the divorce.

so between sets, i said hi.

and he gave me a hug and i asked if he's been busy. and he has. dj'ing and writing and show hopping.

he bailed, but it made me feel like i had done something that i was not thrilled with doing (talking to him) to remind him that i'm a good person, and that he shouldn't be writing an article smearing my name, if ever was being honest about any shred of that threat-veil.

so i left that show, after buying a shirt from cat's band, and a cd from the other good band who had a super hot lead boy. and left.

and went to ash's birthday party.

again, alone, and again, feeling like a fish out of water. i knew no one who was going, other than quinn saying she might go.

and i did the thing where i pretend i'm as good at making friends and small talk as i was way back when.

and it worked!

i met maybe four people that i talked with, over the course of an hour and a half.

and that was awesome.

i was definitely uncomfortable for a while.

but beer helped, and ashley was super accomodating.

and her friends were nice, so they started conversations with me.

one girl smiled at me a couple times and then came up to me and said, 'i'll introduce myself'. and we started talking.

she looked familiar to me. like my friend lo, in a way, i guess.

i felt like i had seen her before, but maybe she has one of those faces, because i do not know her, and she just moved her from jersey, so it's not possible.

but after a long time of talking to her, we were talking about living alone with intrusive landlords, and she said that she'd been living with her girlfriend for seven years, and they broke up. so i said i moved here married, same situation. living on my own for the first time at 33. she's in the same boat at 32.

not long after that, a bunch of people went for beer, because none had brought any. and i left when they left. only i didn't go back.

i'd had two beers, and had a long way to drive home, so i didn't want to stay for another. and i knew that if i stayed i'd need another.

about halfway through my time there, quinn showed up. in plaid hot shorts. and high boots.

i almost fell over.

it's like 20 degrees outside, tops.

she's such a hooker.

not really. but she thinks she is hot shit, and i can't stand girls like that.

it's a fucking house party. everyone there was wearing bulky wool sweaters. i was pushing it in my low cut wool sweater. but seriously, it was strange.

and i left and came home.

feeling proud for a few reasons.

one, i went to a show. despite the possibility that ever might be there. and he wasn't. and i knew people who i didn't want to run into. but i did. and they were nice to me.

two, i went to a party where i knew no one. and i got over my awkwardness and fear and started conversations up. not with any boys, but that's okay. one hurdle at a time.

three, i didn't cave to ever or let him ruin my night. i could easily have stopped what i was doing to field a call. and let him upset me, if that was what was meant to happen. i could have run late because i could have talked to him too long. i could have let him bum me out and not gone at all. instead, i made it clear i was going out, and limited my exposure to him and his drama or emotional dump or whatever it was going to be. i told him what i was limiting him to. and he chose not to take it on those terms.

because now, with him, i get to call the shots. and that is awesome.

he can ask. he can try. but my interaction is based on when i want to deal with him, and what i think i can handle.

so taking back some ground from the disaster of the cryfest last sunday was important. and i think i did that.

i look forward to sleeping in. if it wasn't so frostbite cold out, i'd go have one last cigarette. but i just can't make myself put that many clothes back on. it's retarded out there.

i smoked enough today. for not starting until 230, i managed to smoke so many. but it's nerves and social awkwardness i blame.

i decided a while ago to go to more shows. if i want to meet boys who like music like i do, squishy boys who are not from my circle, it's the best way.

and tonight was great. yeah, i stared at the boy onstage more than i eyed the rest of the room collectively, but that is okay. one thing at a time.

one day i'll stop pining for musicians who would never have time for me, unless i was in the band. and movie stars who are really good at pretending.

on the hook and wriggling. jan 20th.

it's just going to be a weird week.

i'm beginning to accept that.

i am overly emotional. i blame it on pms.

and ever.

i am not stupid. i can recognize when he is baiting me.

but at the same time, i feel myself getting caught up in it.

after the huge email i sent him, i guess i expected him to back off and stop communicating with me. maybe that is why i did it.

and after the offer i sent last night, i expected him to tell me to fuck off.

because instead of telling him, 'i'll pay you x amount of money to walk away', i said, 'as i see it, you would owe me 16k to walk away.'

it was a funny first offer to get the ball rolling.

so imagine my surprise when, a few hours after i sent that, i got an email back. but didn't know it.

until this morning at work.

and then this afternoon, getting a text thanking me for talking to his mom yesterday. i called her to tell her i was sorry and that they were on my mind, that i did what i could to get him home, and that my family was praying for theirs.

i did it with kit in the car with me, in case she picked up. i almost couldn't speak when she answered, because i knew exactly what to say when she let me go to voicemail. surprise!

so the thing is this. his facade is coming apart at the seams.

he was so strong before. doing so well. as he would make it appear to me. so smart. so much smarter than me.

and then, now, he's letting the cracks show.

he's admitting to things that he never would have before.

and like i said, i am fully aware that this is a well timed play on his part. and maybe i'm being too kind and too generous by thinking it's possibly subconscious on his part.

but as i'm about to offer him money to walk away, he is telling me about the problems in his life, financially.

he sent this email to me last night, saying that he in his problems because he had heart issues without insurance, and racked up $7k in debt from seeing cardiologists. two who told him to leave their office and go to the er.

and he was saying that when he felt like he was going to die, and the doctor told him that it was likely, he had to take meds and go to visits, and it got expensive.

and that this is the first time he has been able to deal with it. that it probably also took me seven months to be able to leave after i thought of it. that he's been stuck in the failed marriage aspect of it.

and said that if he had any resources he would have used them by now. and that he's trying to pay the mortgage but is waiting on a check to arrive.

which was always the case when i was there.

and which means that, more likely than not, because no one pays him in a timely fashion, that i will end up paying it and make him pay me back.

and, yes, i'd get that in writing.

i had already anticipated having to pay this one. because it is so dangerously close to the foreclosure shit that i just can't imagine him pulling it together in time. or, before this week, because i thought he was doing it intentionally. whatever.


here i am.

i spent the day at work today, thinking about him more. about his family and his grandma, and now about his health.

and it's like he is completely aware that i'm the one who fixes broken things. i'm the one who wants to make everything better.

and it's like he knows i hate him, but at the same time, that came second to my fucking NATURE. to do these things and think this way without being aware that i'm even doing it.

so whether he's playing out a well strategized hand here, or he just happened to get lucky with what he was dealt, by sharing it with me at this point in the road, i keep finding myself wanting to fold.

not literally, with the divorce stuff or the negotiation.

but in the way that i keep wanting to stop being an asshole to him. and the fixer inside of me wants to give him advice.

god, i hate this.

i'm so glad i'm going to the shrink this week. i think on tuesday.

she's going to have a fucking heyday.

and i hope like hell she can talk some sense into me.

this is why i have her.

to keep me on track.

to keep me from old bad habits.

to keep me from falling into the same traps.

to keep me from falling for the same codependent shenanigans.

i hope she can say the magical thing that will make me go, 'oooooooh, riiiiiight.'

i want this phase to end.

i hate feeling weak.

i hate feeling like i'm losing ground.

i hate feeling like the hate is fading and being replaced with sympathy and empathy.

because it's so much easier to hate him and write him off than to feel sorry for him for the problems he has made for himself.

i told nina tonight. i bet he wishes he could go back in time, like me. only he would go back to a couple years ago. when i told him to treat me like a wife. to get a job. to take a shower and to clean up after himself. to start acting like a man. because i didn't want to be a mom, or i would have had a kid.

i bet that now, in hindsight, he sees the error of at least a few of his ways. which seemed like he would never get until years from now.

because if nothing else, he had it fucking made. i enabled him and took care of him. and having to fend for himself without a bankroll and a sugarmama can't be fun. six months in, he's giving up. and it took a year for me to.

i bet it's all so clear to him now.

and the cliches flow. because he made his bed empty. and now he's going to have to lie in it.

and i will hope that i find some backbone. to not cave to how i want to help him. and just let it go.

a novel. january 19th.

yes, it's long. it's another letter, sent this time.

i was trying to accomplish a few things. first, he won't stop calling me. he won't stop calling my lawyer. he's bitching about things he has no right to bitch about.

the novel was my attempt to shut him up, shut him down, and get him to back off. to try to regain control over the situation.

i don't know that i accomplished that, due to the length of the rant.

but at least i know that i explained myself fully. and there's no going back, so i have to embrace it now.

'this is the deal.

i have tried to contact you via email since you started paying the mortgage late, and got no response from you until you called lawyer requesting a mediation.

lawyer sent you letters on three or more occasions asking you to contact him, and you chose not to.

you have had my phone number for the last ten months. and my email address.

and you chose not to use any of those times to try to communicate with either of us.

just because you are able to handle this right now and want to keep your mind off of other things and are ready to open the lines of communication this week, it doesn't mean that i can be there any time you can.

we aren't going to solve this overnight, and because i can't afford to take time off of work, when i was told that the hearing was continued yesterday, i made arrangements to work today, so i wouldn't miss another day of work. because i cannot afford to.

i emailed you on december 6th, asking what was going on, and why you were making the payments late. you didn't respond. you had already fallen a month behind at that point.

three months after that is not the time to admit that you're struggling.

i don't know why you didn't share this with me at that time, or before that, when the problem started.

i am open to trying to talk to you about this, so that we can be done with this part of our lives.

i wasn't going to talk to you until i got the number from my realtor, and she hasn't been able to find comps to give her an accurate listing price as of today.

she doesn't think that the $235k appraisal we had before is too far off, because of the declining market and the condition the house was in yesterday when we walked through, but has not given me a listing price as of right now. without that piece of information, i don't know if i can offer you any money at all. because i know that i thought it would come in higher than that, and i thought i'd be able to offer you something. but if i use $235k, it leaves me with a negative amount to offer you, and i need to figure out a way around that.

you want out. i understand that.

i don't want in, but i'm not willing to let the house go because you didn't communicate to me that you wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage and manage it.

had you told me, i'd have had time to plan for this news that you dropped on me last friday, regarding not having roommates, and not having the money for the mortgage payment. the last time we discussed the house, you were not willing to live there for less than two years, and wouldn't sign an agreement unless you had that much time in the house. you never said that you were willing to leave before the two years was up, or that you were having a hard time making it work, six months in.

i'm doing the best that i can, with the information you're deciding to hide or share with me, and sometimes it isn't honest or accurate, which complicates things further. it's hard for me to trust you when you're not being transparent, which is why i pay someone to look out for me.

you asked me yesterday if i was afraid to talk to you without lawyer being there.

and the answer is yes and no.

i'm not afraid, exactly.

but i also am not going to talk to you on the phone or in person without him there, because it's too hard for us to deal with each other that way, and the story tends to change, and i want someone to have my back.

i don't trust you right now, because you weren't honest about people living in the house. on friday, in front of lawyer, you stated that you had no roommates, and that you were in the house alone, and that was the reason why you weren't able to pay december's or january's mortgage yet. that it was manageable with roommates.

and when i told you i'd come through the house this weekend, you modified the story some time after that to include dude's girlfriend crashing there.

you didn't mention the fact that there were two other people living in there, who have obviously been there long enough to completely unpack, because there were no boxes anywhere. i found out when i walked in unsuspecting, and some random dude was walking around the second floor and you were not there, despite knowing and confirming with me, on the phone, at 345, that you would be there at 430 when i showed up.

it's not like they both moved in this weekend, after we spoke. paralegal's stuff has been there since april, even if he hasn't.

when we spoke in april, i told you to have leases, and to take deposits. you chose not to do that, and this is precisely what i was trying to avoid so long ago. i didn't want you to have to worry about people bailing on you and not paying rent, and i didn't want to have to worry about how you handled the house. rental agreements are there to protect you. and you left yourself unprotected, without a backup plan. without security deposits and last month's rent.

you mentioned yesterday that you have the money for the mortgage payment.

i don't know why you wouldn't pay it if you have it, and if the house is so full of people that you're living in the shop.

i don't want to feel like a fool because, on one hand you're telling me you can't fly home because the money is for the mortgage, but on the other, you're still not making the payment. you last paid on december 8th, and that was for november.

you also tried to sell me on the fact that i could essentially live there for $200 a month for homeowners, because of the two paying roommates. i told you that i didn't want to discuss this with you yesterday, because i thought it was inappropriate in light of your grandmother, and also because it was unprofessional to discuss this in front of my realtor.

what i didn't say was, if it's such a sweet deal, and i could live there and have it so easy, then why aren't you doing that yourself? isn't that what was going on the entire time i've been gone? that was how it was set up when i left and we talked about it.

how is it that you can't make the mortgage payment if you explained to me how i'd be living there for free last night when i was at the house? why are you trying to sell me on something when you can't make it work for you? why should i believe that it will work for me, when the mortgage is 48 days late?

part of the problem with the deal i'm offering you is that you would basically get handed a chunk of money, on top of all the rent you've been collecting since april, to do absolutely nothing else. to walk away, no strings attached and never have to think about it again.

you get to walk away from it and start over. you would be relieved of all responsibility. if you decide not to take that deal, then there's a lot to be done. and because of the time it will take to fix, clean, and organize the house to what it was when i left, it will continue to be more months of paying the mortgage and the homeowners, not to mention paying for repairs. and if it takes six months after the cleanup and repair phase to successfully sell the house, those are months that you would be on the hook for half of the payments. because there's no way to know how that will play out, it's basically peace of mind for you, knowing that it's not your problem. and it's a huge risk for me, because it might not sell for two more years. there is no way to know. but i'm giving you a way to not have to worry about that.

i know you will never see it this way, but i'm actually trying to help you.

if you want to make a clean break and start over, without paying another penny, this is the way for that to happen. i'm not going to get out of this easily. it's going to require spending more money that i don't have, and having my family come up and do more work, despite not being repaid what they've already sunk into it. i'll have to get a contractor to repair the things that ronald botched, and to address the garage and the basement issues.

i haven't talked to lawyer on the phone since before the mediation. and he is my lawyer. you have talked to him more than i have the entire seven months i've been working with him.

it's not appropriate for you to start making demands when the time is convenient for you. we have both tried to communicate with you for the last several months.

i'm really sorry that you wanted to have the hearing, and that it got continued. anyone else would be grateful to not have to deal with divorce hearings under the stress you're under. but instead you were angry about it.

i'm sorry that i couldn't afford to take a day off of work today after knowing it wasn't going to happen. i'm sorry that i can't pay another chunk of money out to my lawyer so you can talk, and then call you because you're ready.

just because you have time that you can pencil us in, it doesn't mean that we don't have other work to do. it doesn't mean that we can stop what we're doing because you had already planned to talk to us. i have to work to pay my bills. and as soon as i knew i could work today, i scheduled myself to work, so that when the hearing comes up, i can take that day off instead.

i told you that we can discuss this further when i have information from my realtor. i wasn't about to schedule a phone conference when i don't even have my offer together yet. there's nothing to talk about yet.

i'm not acting like a wounded animal. i was very clear with you yesterday what the plan was. i said i would call lawyer and ask him about talking to you without him. and that i would let you know what i wanted to do after i spoke to him. and you said you wouldn't call him, in light of the fact that i'm getting billed for that.

you changed the plan and called him and wanted a conference.

i stuck to my plan.

if i want a phone conference, i will save up the money to pay for it, and ask lawyer to schedule one.

or, you, as always, have the option to use your own contacts and resources to set one up with a different lawyer or mediator. and then you can be the person who dictates when we meet or when we talk, on your terms.

you said this summer that you had talked to three different lawyers, and that it was silly for me to pay for a lawyer, because you could get legal help for free.

maybe now is the time for you to do that. instead of trying to work with my lawyer, be proactive and set something up. then if i want lawyer to be a part of it, i can ask him to.

i'm trying to be amicable. and i realized today that you weren't understanding what i was saying, so i reiterated it in writing. i wasn't being bitchy or passive aggressive. i was letting you know why i didn't understand the text you sent me late last night, when i had just had a different arrangement with you five hours earlier. it didn't make sense to me.

i'm sorry if you felt like i was defensive and attacking. i was completely unaware that you even spoke to lawyer today, and getting upset with me for something i don't know anything about isn't going to help us get closer to a resolution. especially when you specifically said you would not call him.

i'm trying to work with you. and maybe the reason why you think i don't appreciate your help is because i didn't see it as being helpful. you changed the plan.

i am in just as big a hurry as you are to get this thing over with. which is why i spent the last seven months taking steps to get further. but you chose to ignore everything that got sent to you, and not respond to any of it.

but i'm not going to make hasty decisions that have huge price tags. we've done that enough to this point.

and if, when i am armed with the information that i need, you don't have a spare minute to hear what i have to say, then that is how it's going to have to be, and i will have to understand and respect that. it won't mean that you're being passive aggressive. it will mean that you have other obligations to tend to at that specific minute. and i will have to trust that you will let me know when you do have a minute.

if you would like to email me with whatever it was that you were eager to discuss today, i am all eyes and all ears. i encourage you to do that. copy lawyer on it, please.

to this point, more than once, you've made reference to seeing my cards without showing yours, and if you have something to reveal, then now might be the best time. if you have something that you want me to figure in while i'm still collecting information, then put it in writing, and i will think about it. if you have an idea that can fix everything, please tell me.

you said something at the mediation, about wanting to see my offer first. it's fine to be that way, but you also have the option of telling me what you're willing to take to walk away, instead of waiting for me to get in touch with you. if you are ready to start the negotiations before i am, then please start.

i just didn't have anything to discuss on the phone with you today, so i wasn't going to waste your time, or lawyer's time, or my money.

if you would like to share your ideas with me, then please send them in an email to me.

i'll send a separate email to you, explaining the aspects of the deal that i'm thinking about, so that if you haven't thought of them yet, you'll be able to sleep on it. if i can do it tonight, i will. but at the latest, i'll send the outline of the offer to you by tomorrow at 330pm, even if there isn't a specific offer price on it. if i have a figure from realtor, then it will have that as well.'

yeah, i know. long and drawn out. what's funny is that i edited that thing like four times.

i think i was tired and pissed. and it's been so long since i let him have it, that it was seven months worth of a bitchfest all in one email.

but fuckin a if i haven't gotten a text or an email from him.

the sympathy has run out for him. i felt bad for a day and a half. don't get me wrong, i feel for his family, absolutely. i have thought about it a lot.

but i have no slack to cut him. i have no patience for him being a pushy bastard.

i have still not called his mom. because i'm afraid she'll answer. i'm afraid she'll either think it's someone else or that she'll want to talk to me. i just want to leave a message that says, 'i just wanted to tell you that i'm thinking about you guys, and i'm sorry, and my family is praying for you'.

it would take ten seconds to say that. and i can't make myself do it.

i wonder if she'll finally move to canada now. she knew when her dad was sick, that he was not to be around much longer. and knew that her mother loved him so much that she'd go soon after. and that is exactly what happened. and she said that when it happened, she would move to canada to be with her boyfriend.

get away from it all, and have no reason to be tied to that town, because she hated it and all the family drama it brought into her life.

maybe she'll sell their house, and run off into the sunset.

she's had a hard life. it would be nice if she could do that.

see? perfect example. she was nothing but trouble for my marriage. she was always stirring up trouble. she was nice only when she went out of her way to be. she was overly dramatic any time she had a chance to be. yet, i still want her life to be easier. i don't wish this on her. i can't imagine losing both of my parents within a year and a half of each other, before i turned sixty. i don't know how i will survive that someday.

ever is a different story.

it's not that i wish this on him. but i want it to be a learning tool for him. i want him to realize that the boat he is in right now is one that he carved out for himself. his shortcuts are showing in the water the boat is taking on. and everything happens to be converging at once. i had to learn the lesson when i lived in tahoe. i was broke and far from home. and it was my great-grandmother who lived with my grandparents. and she died and i couldn't afford to get home, couldn't get out of working two jobs, and couldn't make it in time for the funeral. and i moved home a month later, because it was too hard for me to deal with.

if he would just WORK... he could do it.

i'm not the enemy. i mean i am, but i'm not being as evil as i could be. as i want to be most of the time.

this post is beyond long because of the novel email. but that's where i am today. every day it changes. sometimes between the time i'm at work and the time i get home. sometimes before and after the drive. sometimes between the time i get home and go to sleep.

this emotional rollercoaster is just out of control. i'm glad i have been able to lock down the crying. i just hate that i cried on the phone with him.

head cold. january 18th.

i don't know why i'm so angry and nervous this morning.

maybe because i am sick. fucking AGAIN. sinus pressure and sneezing. feeling shitty and cloudy headed.

maybe it's because i feel like lawyer is letting ever dictate what happens, instead of me. his client.

i made a judgement call based on ever's information. and how things have changed three times with phone calls between the two of them, i cannot wrap my head around. and how i'm now the one out of the loop, i don't get it.

yesterday, when i left work, court was canceled and i didn't have to be there today. today, i got to work and checked my old email account. and lawyer had sent an email there, for the first time ever. so i didn't get it until today. saying that if the continuance is denied, we have to go to court.

what. the. fuck.

i emailed him yesterday specifically to make sure i didn't have to be there today. and because i've already taken two weeks off, unpaid, and i need to work if i can. i'll already have to take a day to either go to court or sign the agreement, whichever the case may be.

so now i'm way the fuck out of the city, and have no backup plan if i have to leave, because i gave cat the day off.

expect the worst? be ready to report to court? you're 'on call'?


mostly, i think i'm upset because everything feels like it is getting all kinds of fucked up.

the house yesterday was unsettling. i mean, it was quick and painless for me, which surprised the realtor, who expected an emotional reaction from being back in a shared space that had completely changed from the last time i was in it. well, in the upstairs, six or seven months ago. it's something that she's familiar with, from going into her old space where her ex stayed. and said it's a very hard thing to do for most people. but not for me. for me, it was angering. to see the house trashed, dirty, junkpiled. it pissed me off.

but things that happened while i was there, things ever said, were unsettling.

for one, he wasn't there, so i saw some guy walking around, after he had said one girl was crashing there sometimes. when ever did walk in, he was carrying this clear plastic bag of food and was drinking an iced coffee, which really surprised me.

i was totally distracted by the bag. by what was in it, because i couldn't tell.

but when we made our way into the kitchen to discuss the lawyer (in front of the realtor, i might add), he started unloading it. and because i work in a coffee shop, i recognized it as being the food that gets thrown away at closing.

i had explained to the realtor that he is really good at getting something for nothing. and apparently, he doesn't go to the grocery store. he goes to some cafe in the neighborhood and takes their old food home to eat.

i understand it.

it made me sad for him.

and maybe that was part of his plan. without saying a word, he said 'i have no money for food, so i brought home this free food that was going to be trash'.

point taken.

not my problem.

that's the thing... so much could be avoided for him, if he would just fucking WORK. if he would just get a job. and work for a living.

i went out last night, after a phone call to my parents that ran way over, and i stopped writing. when i came home from dinner out with lauren, i went straight to bed and couldn't keep my eyes open, i was so tired.

so that's why the post i started ended so abruptly.

i had a lot more to say about it, and i knew that today i'd have time to write things out.

part of this is because i feel like he decided to wait this fucking long to talk about shit. and that is his fault. he had so many chances to call lawyer before now. he's been trying to get him to since july, then august, then september, then november, then december.

and why he waited until a few days before the hearing to talk is beyond me.

and i guess that now that he is talking to me, he just can't shut up. just because he called me after emailing lawyer and calling lawyer, he has now called me every day.

he waited six months to speak to me. and now he is calling every day?

i understand that we have things to talk about.

but that is why i hired a lawyer.

to do my talking for me. to deal with ever's shenanigans because i'd had my fill by the time i went home this summer.

and because of ever deciding he wanted mediation, and my wanting to get the shit over with, my lawyer retainer is gone now. so $1900 later, i'm still at a standstill. and i have no clue how the fuck i'm going to pay more money, and he's asking for it now.

i want ever to pay the fucking mortgage. so i don't feel like a retard for getting the continuance and offering to pay for his ticket home. for having a heart. despite the fact that he doesn't appear to have a heart, and thinks there is nothing wrong with ignoring the fact that she died, and that this is the best and most appropriate time to negotiate our divorce.

what else was there to write about from yesterday?

before we went into the kitchen, when it was just the two of us talking, he was trying to sell me on this aspect of taking over the house.

and i had already told him i didn't want to talk, like five times. but he just kept talking.

telling me how, now that the paralegal is back in the house, and willing to pay rent for 9 to 12 months, and now that he let the new guy put his stuff in the house without paying rent, to secure that he would be staying there, that i'd be collecting $1075 a month in rent. so for $200 a month (homeowners) and a third of utilities, i could live there or not live there, and be completely covered.

he was trying to tell me how wonderful it was. and because i was trying to be considerate, i didn't say 'if it's so fucking great, than why don't you want to make it work for yourself? how can you not have the money for the mortgage payment if everything is covered and living will be free?'

i just really think he is losing his mind. or that he did already. between that, and his whole 'i'll let the house go into foreclosure/not intentionally/don't care about the money/it's probably not going to be enough money to accept the offer' production, i just can't understand any of it, or his logic.


court got continued. so i didn't have to jump through 85 hoops by some miracle.

robbie brought a delivery here today, so i collected on my two hugs, two cheek kisses, and thanked him when he told me i smelled nice.

he was so tired that he was leaning on the counter while he talked to me, propping himself up. and the ice storm overnight wreaked havoc on his deliveries, so we really didn't get to talk too long, and i felt bad for thinking about asking him to take a picture with me.

i'll have to do it at the bakery, after he's had some sleep. someday. someday, i will prove that he is not a unicorn. that he is in fact a real person who is as wonderful as i say he is...

i am pretty much over the writing out of this thing.

i have now talked to kenna about it, to robbie about it, to kit about it, to lauren about it.

i think i've overprocessed. kinda like winding up with straw for hair after a bleaching session.

i think i'm done.

you know. until later today when the communicating starts.

then i'll have a whole new rash of shit to deal with and think about and write out...

the boy who cried wolf. january 17th.

i wondered when i was trying to fall asleep, what i would dream about.

and i don't know all of the dream now, but what i remember is that i met adrock from the beastie boys, and he became smitten with me, and hung around after a show that was in a back yard somewhere, with me, and then kissed me. only he looked like a cross between adrock and adam sandler. in any case, i had a cute famous jewish boyfriend in my sleep last night.

and saying as i haven't heard the beastie boys in a good long while, i have absolutely no idea where it came from.

so, today. suck store. sans lunch again. i really hate when i work here and forget my lunch. i get bored and want to eat. i'm really wanting food right now.

and i fell asleep and woke up and showered and got ready and drove here, all thinking about last night.

all thinking about everything kit had to say about it, and my mom had to say about it, and my dad had to say about it in the background, and nina had to say about it.

about the fact that he has lied and manipulated me so many times that i have a harder time believing him when he is supposedly being honest. he might actually need help. and though it is not by place or my problem to help him, i can't know for certain that he is telling the truth this time.

the emotional reaction on my end couldn't be helped. i couldn't squash it down. and in the moment, i wasn't even trying to. and i know that he has tried to make me cry on many occasions, by saying things that were awful and upsetting, just to get a reaction.

but for whatever reason, i feel like grandparents dying is like an untouchable thing. say what you want about friends and parents. say what you want about yourself especially. but faking a grandparent being on their deathbed? i just don't even know how a person with a conscience could do that. even ever.

if he is lying to me, i will physically harm him. kick him in the balls. punch him in the throat.

i understand why it's suspect to everyone else, and even to a lesser degree, to me.

i understand how he could be using this at this specific time to get out of court even if it is only temporary.

to delay the accepting or refusing of the agreement, to make my offer less hardhearted.

whatever. i get it.

i know how different i felt about him last night for that window of time when i was on the phone with him. and how i felt immediately after. and how i feel walking around today.

luckily kit got me out of my apartment. and had a beer with me. and warned me a million times over.

this morning on my way driving here, i thought of something. i remembered last night when we were walking toward each other, i was crying before i could tell her what was even wrong with me, and saying 'i just got off the phone with ever'.

and it reminded me of brownies using that exact quote to talk to me about all the times when i was dating him and she would hug me when i was crying because i had just talked to him.

it seems i've come full circle? right back to where i started with him.

last night, i said that i was pulling a bush. fool me eighteen times, shame on me.

and yes, it is possible that he is playing me.

and yes, it is even more likely that he could be exaggerating a situation to get an emotional response out of me, to make things easier on him.

and more likely still, it is possible that he is lying about something. it could be one of many aspects. that all the money he has is for the mortgage payment. that he doesn't have money to go home.

i know that other stress can create a false sense of grief conveyed through talking and silence. but he seemed so distraught. he had the sound in his voice that is reserved for genuine panic and anxiety, from a tired person who hasn't been sleeping. i know it well, from spending years with him.

and like i said, if he is acting or lying or exaggerating or pulling one over on me, he is doomed.

i think i know why i believed him last night.

i felt like he was confessing things to me last night. telling me that our friend drove him to the mediation. that he was sorry that he wasn't acting himself and that he was distracted. that he hadn't slept in days. that he didn't know what day it was. or when exactly things had happened with his grandmother. his voice when he finally said the words, and his silence before he spilled them out. telling me that she has 72 hours to live and that court was in 48 and that he didn't think he'd make it, but that he knows he can't miss court.

he didn't ask for anything. he didn't ask to postpone. he didn't ask for help with the ticket home. he didn't ask me not to come by today with the realtor. he didn't ask me to take care of the puppy if he goes.

but a few of them are things i offered to him.

i felt so bad for him that i said we could try to delay the hearing. that i would put his ticket on my credit card if his mom couldn't borrow the money. that i could check on the puppy if he needed me to.

and when he said sorry and when he said thanks, i believed him.

* * *

so as i was closing up at suck store, he called. and i answered. again.

he said that he didn't want court to be canceled or delayed. but lawyer had already filed a continuance. so whatever.

i guess i got short with him. because he was upset that it wasn't happening tomorrow.

and i don't remember the chain of conversation, but he said that his grandmother died this morning. the funeral will be saturday.

he said that he was blown away by my offer, and that in trying to talk to me now, he's just trying to think of the reasons we got married in the first place when he talks to me. and that my offer reminded him of how compassionate i am.

he asked if we could talk after the walkthrough with the realtor.

honestly, i don't want to talk about divorce negotiations on the day his grandmother died. and i guess he just is trying to stay focused and busy to not think about it. that dealing with his mother right now is too much.

and i said that i was riding there with her, and that i didn't want to talk tonight. and certainly not in front of her. i asked if he and puppy would be there, and he said yes, he wanted to tell us some things while we walked through.

i got off the phone with him saying i'd see him in a little while.

and we went.

and he wasn't there. but some other guy was. interesting, right off the bat.

so we went through, and it looked the same as when i was there before.

he came home as we were walking out.

so he said that, since we all took time off of work tomorrow for court, we should meet up then.

but i had already scheduled myself to work once i knew i wasn't going to court.

but didn't tell him that.

just said that i could talk to him in the afternoon after i talked to lawyer.

he asked if i was afraid to talk to him without the lawyer.

i am not. but i am also not wanting to get into the numbers without him around as a witness, if nothing else.

and he said that lawyer sounded burnt when he talked to him on the phone today.

i also found out that i have to pay $340 more asap, because the retainer has dwindled down to $160 after all the talking and mediation. which i knew. i actually thought it was already gone. but whatever.

so now, on top of that, i have to figure out that piece.

and i explained that he's not burnt out, but that he is probably trying to protect my money and keep things short with him because ever is spending my money by interacting with him.

he got mad because he didn't know that. and i only found out at 11 today, so it's not like i could have told him.

so he said he wouldn't talk to him, because he didn't know that.

i don't know.

it's so easy when i'm here alone, not seeing him. knowing exactly what i want to do.

and the kicker was, when we were about to leave, he started talking to me, and realtor left the room to take notes or whatever.

and he said that he had some ideas, and started explaining the situation with all the people's stuff that is in the house. despite saying no one was there.

whatever. his stories are great. i'll repeat them here.

so the girl has only been there a couple nights. he gave up his room for her and her kid to stay in while she works things out and mostly stays at her parents' house.

that he hasn't taken any rent from her.

the guy who was there is willing to sign a 9 to 12 month lease if that is the route i want to go. he let him move his stuff in before he paid rent because he wanted to ensure that he'd live there.

and the third guy just buried his dad, so he's been in kentucky dealing with that instead of living in the house.

whatever. it doesn't compute.

we'll see where tomorrow takes me. us. me.

numb again. january 16th.

it's hard to say what i feel, except to say that maybe i feel nothing.

perhaps a little sad, but not really. and not for any reason at all.

what i can say is that pandora modest mouse channel fucking rules.

i have had radiohead 'just' in my head for days. all because ever did this to himself.

i don't have to do anything, because it will take care of itself.

but in addition to that, i was listening to pinback last night during my sleeplessness, thinking of which song to put on my next mix. pandora picked 'good to sea'. and that is also all too appropriate.

not to mention, reminding me that i need matt & kim. and this song by someone named matt nathanson that was awesome. and throwing in mia was a nice treat, even if it didn't fit the mix. and then 'here comes the sun' which will always be nina teaching me the beatles in 6th grade, making a handdrawn filmstrip about zeus. and band of horses, whose singer's voice makes me swoon. and built to spill who i only ever saw live once, with modest mouse. one of the best shows of my life. i drove from florida to atlanta for that show. and it was worth every second and every penny.

the winter comp is coming together.

the fall mix has been done but not shared.

in talking to kenna, she said something about listening to music on the way to the mediation that prepared me.

and i already had set that up. i was listening to the dark sky mix. and when tori 'sorta fairytale' came on, i sang at the top of my lungs on the interstate, and fought tears because of how that song makes me feel, but how fantastically relative the words are to my situation. this sadness that comes from a place of thinking that things would be okay and permanent, and then realizing that the silver lining is quickly disappearing in the sunset of a relationship.

mostly my words, not hers. but the sentiment is there. absolutely.

and i knew, leaving the office in wilmington on a drive that should have taken an hour according to the pin i dropped, but that i was smarter than, knowing it would take an hour and a half, that i would have time to start my fall mix.

and that i knew that when i finally made it through germantown to the office, that 'it's my life' would be playing.

and sure as shit, it was.

i think that last night was the way it was because of a few things. it stems from the place where everything is on the right track. where i'm being proactive and doing what i need to do. where the stars align, even when i can't see them in this big city. and where i feel better about all the choices i have made and will make.

i get this energy, i don't know where from, because i am always tired, that is unstoppable. and yes, the fact that i tried to limit myself to only one beer last night was really probably ultimately to blame, i am back again. in the manic phase. where music is perfect and strikes a fire deep inside my head.

and if i had written not a post, but more of a short story, i bet it would have been fantastic, because when i'm in this phase, writing just happens for me. and there's a lot of it. as can be deduced from the fact that i've been posting two a day for the past couple/few days.

i fought it, though, in an effort to try to sleep. and i tried to turn my brain off by watching a retarded amount of shit on netflix. dexter mostly saved me, but also made me a little extra alert to the sounds of my neighbor coming home and making noise that sounded like it was coming from inside my apartment. that delightful paranoia that defines me.

and yeah, i could probably do without the food i just made for myself, only because i'm not hungry. but i've had such a lack of appetite the last few stressful days that it seemed like what i should be doing. i ate lunch when i wasn't hungry, so why not dinner, too?

and today i made up for the time slacking that i lost yesterday. i laid in bed for a while, got up and got dressed for a smoke. and watched a few dexters back to back and then started the slaughter rule to stare at ryan gosling's delicious self. sometimes i wish i was an actress, just so i could star opposite him. because everyone knows that even actors forget sometimes that they're acting. on screen chemistry becomes real life chemistry. and it usually never works. but i'd love to give that a whirl. even if it didn't last through the premiere.

* * *

and one phone call changes everything. one phone call makes me feel ways that i didn't think possible.

one phone call makes me change things in an instant.

ever texted me and said he had something he needed to tell me on the phone and could i please call him.

my heart sank.

i thought he was going to tell me that my puppy died.

and when he answered it took so long for him to say what he had to say that i really thought it was about her.

but it wasn't.

i guess in the way that timing is a fucking bitch, on friday, his grandmother was moved into hospice.

she gave up on living because his grandfather died last easter and she didn't want to live without him.

she fell and went to the hospital. and caught pneumonia. and has maybe three days to live.

and he can't get home because he doesn't have the money.

i am crying my eyes out. was on the phone, then to my own mom, now while i chat with nina about it.

it's this shift from hate to empathy. completely overwhelming.

court on tuesday, which will probably be the day she dies, and i don't even want him to be here for it.

yeah. he fucked up. he's a dickhead who can't handle his money. but i guess the part of me that thought he was just holding out on paying shit now knows that he can't even get home to say goodbye.

what's even more insane? if i had it, i'd fork it over to him. in a heartbeat. because if i couldn't say goodbye to my grandma over money? i'd fucking flip out.

you can't take this back.

not to mention, it's just now hitting me. but his family would hate my fucking guts if he didn't get home because of my hearing.

i don't know.

i know that i should just be tough. keep saying what i've been saying. he did this to himself, and he is sitting in it now.

had he told me he needed help instead of being secretive and trying to prove something, he'd be able to take care of himself.

and leave it to me to think that i can help. that i can swoop in and fix this. that i can make something better for him.

what a 180. seriously. 30 minutes ago, loathing, seething. now? i'm still weepy about it.

it's just so crazy. to not see him for however long, seven months. then the bank. then the meeting. and now this.

his poor mom. they've always had a rough go of it. his dad, then his sister, then his grandpa, now her. she's the last one left for him, and he spent a lot of time with her growing up.

man. i can't shake the weepies.

kit's on her way to meet me at favorite bar. i need to get out of the apartment. but i don't want to cry at the bar.

whatever. i'll snap out of it.

it's just surreal and overwhelming.

offering to help might show him that i'm not trying to fuck him over, i'm just trying to get us out of the situation we're in. that he got us into.

i just want out. i've been saying it for months. and now having to go through this shit at the same time is really going to suck for him. but it cannot be helped.

i have got to get up.

i have got to move.

sticky eyes. january 16th, technically.

something happened. just before midnight.

i was digging in my backpack for a lighter to go bother landlord and have a late night cigarette.

and i ran into my work phone. and because i don't work on the weekend, i don't know what possessed me to pick it up and look at it.

but i had two text messages. one from kenna checking in on me post mediation.

and the other from cat, who works at suck store.

cat is in a band. i have yet to see them, because they usually work with people that ever knows, so i feel like it's off limits.

but cat texted me to tell me that my friends miss me.

the ones that ever was just telling me yesterday don't care to speak to me because i jumped ship.

and my eyes started to sting. and i thought, 'i'm going to cry'.

and it passed, but the feeling didn't.

because it's midnight, and despite the fact that she's probably totally awake right now, on the road and nocturnal, i just sent her a message on fb instead.

and i thanked her. and i started to cry.

i typed through blurry vision. telling her that it meant a lot to me. that it actually made me cry. because just yesterday ever told me that they don't care to communicate with me.

it's an old lesson that, like the worm on the hook, i refuse to learn.

ever is a fucking liar.

and when he says that people say things about me, or that people don't care, or that people have chosen sides, i've learned enough in the past to know that it's always something he wanted to say himself, that he made come from the mouths of other people who didn't say the words at all.

i've gotten so mad at people, because of what he has told me. only to find out that it was misdirected anger.

and tonight is just one more example of that.

because i lack the self esteem necessary to rise above his bullshit, and to basically ignore what he says and find things out for myself, and because i don't want to put anyone in the middle by fact checking ('ever said...'), i do nothing. i say nothing.

and the way that i feel the majority of the time about those people is completely not based in reality.

it's the reality that he wants me to believe exists.

so i walk around feeling guilt, when really, i should feel better about myself and my decisions, and have a little faith that people can see outside of ever's worldview, and love me because i've loved them all for so long.

the two people that i cared most about losing in the divorce sent a message to me through another channel.

and i literally feel like a better person for it. they knew that she'd get the message to me. and it speaks volumes about the three of them.

so i am laying in bed with sticky eyes.

and even though i always say that i don't cry over ever, but over the collateral damage, it is just one more example of that.

i haven't had a cry that wasn't movie-based in such a long time.

especially not a full on heartbreaking cry.

and that changed tonight, even if it was short lived, and only for a couple minutes.

it was an overwhelming emotional response to the relief that i felt about it.

i had a good day.

despite going to bed so late, i managed to do all five loads of laundry. laundry day is kindof like going to the gym. i feel so fantastic when it's done, but it's impossible to make myself do it.

i'd gotten to the point in my wardrobe where only jeans that fall off of me and shirts i hate are clean. and i felt good after getting yesterday over with and writing most of the morning.

i was motivated to get out of bed and get things done.

so i did laundry.

and i'm laying in clean sheets, under a clean comforter, with an apartment that smelled like laundry from air drying sweaters on the doorframes.

it smelled like clean laundry in here until i cleaned the whole place.

i managed to eat a meal today, in the middle of the day.

then i did all my dishes while i talked to aubree about yesterday and caught up on her life.

and then tonight, early, i vacuumed the place and swiffered. so now i'm high on swiffer scent, padding around on clean floors.

pam and kim sent me home with stand-up dvds at work on friday, with specific instructions to watch them after the mediation, so i could relax and laugh it off.

i watched them both today while i was doing laundry, eating, and folding laundry afterwards.

and they were hysterical.

it was exactly what i needed, i just didn't know it.

i love watching stand-up. and after reading about kit's cable tv post, it made me realize how much better my life would be with comedy central in it.

it was interesting watching black stand-up, too. both comedians threw the n-word around like it was the word 'the', but aside from that, i love when they impersonate white people, and there was a lot of substance to the shows. it felt good to giggle. it felt good to laugh a lot. for three hours in total.

i like having an accomplished saturday, because then i feel like i can really enjoy and relax on sunday. before hitting the ground running on monday.

and i keep going back to the cat text.

i'd already decided to go to a show the next time i feel like it.

i'd already decided to go and do whatever i want once ever either takes the deal or doesn't.

i'd already decided to play around with online dating last week, but just haven't done it yet.

now that this is so close to being over with him, hopefully, i feel even more ready to go places that he may or may not be, where he has essentially banned me from being.

i have avoided it, in an effort to not inflame the situation. but i guess that when i get as mad at him for lying to me as i was a little while ago, it makes me want to go to every show with a different boy, and hope that he is there.

just to say a silent 'fuck you' to him. just so he can see that he is the only person in the room who hates me for showing up. just so he can see me happy. just to make him sad. just so he can realize that he doesn't control me anymore.

just so i can move on with the one piece of my life that i have let him retain control over.

it will be nice, whenever i grow the balls to actually go through with it.

and that sentence can be applied to going out, or to setting up an online dating account. either, or. or, both.

days like today make me feel so much better. and nights like tonight make me feel empowered.

to have gotten the worst part over with is a high unlike any i've felt in months. nine months of fear, and about three of total dread. and it's in my past now.

not that it's over. but the hardest part is. court is cake after yesterday.

i am mostly positive that he will do anything he can to not let it be over. in fact, he said something that reiterates that point yesterday. i forgot to write it in the post this morning.

after he said the thing about time being capped, lawyer said that he had hoped to have a signed agreement, and a signed acknowledgement of the divorce by the end of the mediation, but that ever had made it clear that wasn't going to happen. he said that he never received ever's edits in the mail. the ones he said he sent after requesting a second copy because the first one was in the trash.

and when he mentioned the divorce paperwork itself, ever said, 'oh. yeah. i have that. i won't be signing that until the property settlement is worked out.'

like i fucking care. all it keeps me from doing is getting married. which isn't going to happen for a long time, if ever again in this lifetime. and it complicates taking my maiden name, but i can get around that if i really want to.

but the fact that he thinks that he has some power, some hold over me, by refusing to sign that until he gets what he wants, materialistically? it's a fucking joke.

you know, last night, when i got home from my big night out, i thought of something.

when this whole thing is actually done with him. when he has signed the papers, and is officially a thing of the past, i'll start using his real name. not his full name. but just his first name. it's not one i have ever seen anyone else use before or since i met him.

and that will be one way that i can exact revenge on him. even if it is only to a small handful of readers who are nowhere near philadelphia.

it will serve as a sort of warning to anyone who stumbles upon this, and happens to meet him or know him or run into him.

like i said when i was in the throes of being alone in the beginning. if i can keep one person from feeling what i feel, i have succeeding at blogging. if one person can relate, and say 'i'm not alone - she went through it, too', then i have succeeded.

and if one person happens to google the right combination of words that includes his first name, they will stumble upon chronicled stories of the horrible person that my soon to be ex-husband is.

and even if no one finds it, or figures it out, knowing that it's out there waiting? that will be my revenge for the past year of my life.