it must be in the october 22nd.

i lost a day this week. oops.

so the song for today is 'northwestern girls' by say hi to your mom. a lot of songs were on repeat for the drive today, 'peach plum pear' was a close second. and more band of horses.

this is how it is to be stuck. only the sad songs make me comfortable. i tried to listen to gogol in the car driving, and skipped through half of the songs. it was annoying me to listen to them, but i was trying to stick it out and make myself feel better about things.

it didn't work.

it's not that something is wrong. it's that everything is wrong.

it's not that something happened to wreck my day. it's that nothing happened to fix it.

it was supposed to be an easy day today. it started out that way. i didn't roll into my store until 1030. but it was crazy and i ended up working for an hour instead of walking in and grabbing stuff and walking out.

and i am sore from lifting all that milk yesterday. my neck, and across the top of my shoulders. it all hurts. which honestly was a relief, because i seriously thought i was going to wake up with the flu today. and i did not. yay for that.

then went to suck store to drop stuff off, and then to the office.

the bank literally took half an hour, if not longer.

and while i waited for the slow dude to count all the money i was putting in, i realized that kenna is lucky to have me.

i mean, finding my own replacement is going to be next to impossible. no one is going to want to work at suck store every thursday, go to the bank three or four times a week, pick shit up at the store, and move supplies between stores. i don't really know what is going to happen when i leave, and as time passes and it gets closer, it is freaking me out a little.

you know. kitchen sink syndrome.

while i'm worrying about my surgery, and my teeth, and my mental state, my panic attacks, ever and the mortgage, finances in general, funding my trip home in light of recent events, getting money from the company for all the mileage i never got paid for ($1100 i really need right now), making sure the bills got paid so i can order food for my store, and the tires on my car that i just replaced that are low again, why don't i go ahead and worry about the fate of the company i run but don't own?

why not?

and while i'm worrying about a bunch of shit i have no control over, suck on this:

space cadet bookkeeper forgot to tell me that i have to go to court to present our case against katie who ran suck store for three years, and decided to steal $3000 during her last couple months there.

i found out last friday, by mistake. i saw the paper and asked about it, and she said, 'oh. yeah. it's next tuesday.'

so today, i verified that i have to go to court on tuesday.

and then asked who is our lawyer.

and she said 'there is no lawyer.'

and did i mention she is going to be in florida on vacation?


so i am going to present this whole case on tuesday. after a year of not thinking about it.

and i'm going to have to see katie, which is going to suck.

i loved her. i cried when i fired her. i mean, we both did.

she snowed me over, big time. after knowing that we'd already been snowed over by the girl who had my job before me, to the tune of $30000. yes. that is the correct number of zeroes.

so in the middle of all of my anxiety about everything in my personal life, and already feeling like i'm stretched too thin, despite really not doing anything besides working behind the bar every day, i get to put together a case against someone. and go to court. on tuesday.

i wanted to KILL the bookkeeper. i mean, what else is new? i always do. but this time? how could she make me do this whole thing all alone and have no one there to back me up for moral support, if nothing else. and then to give me one week's notice? i don't know. but she'll be on vacation. grrrr.

i woke up today at maybe 6. then realized i get to sleep in. and tossed and turned. and then when i finally woke up for real, at about 8, i was in a cold sweat. over ever and money, i guess. luckily my credit card payment made it there in time to not get a late fee and 30% interest. i'll never mail that thing so late again. i was sweating it arriving in time. and ever didn't pay the mortgage. which i really need to stop talking about for the time being. otherwise i'll annoy all three of you who read this thing.

driving today, again, i thought about stupid coffee, and his stupid new life. the road trip he is on, and my 'future tense' story that was how i'd hoped it would end up with him.

and spent a lot of time trying to figure ever's thought processes out, but there is just no point in doing that either.

i will never understand him. i feel like he is trying to punish me for thinking i could just walk away without repercussions. but there have been repercussions. and i can't even figure out what i myself am thinking half the time.

i wonder how long it will be before i stop worrying about him and his choices and decisions. i thought that ring imprint would never fade. yet, one day it was gone. and i realized it had been at least a month since i had seen it on my finger. i think it disappeared sometime in august.

it took five months for that to disappear after i took off my rings and boxed them up.

i can hardly believe that it has been over eight months since we called it quits.

or that i'll be home sixty days from today.

for all the time i wish away, and hope for it to pass quickly, when i look back on things, i realize that even if i don't wish it all away, it's going to fly by on it's own.

and every year that i get older, it seems like it goes by faster.

related to all of this, i did hear from brownies and have had some pretty intense emails going her direction, which have shed some light on my fixations. i have been writing some pretty heavy things:

'i really only feel pressure to have a kid when i'm around my family. but in light of recent divorcing, they've dropped the subject completely. now they just say, 'you'll find someone and get married again someday'. which is just as pressurized. because it's the kids they want me to pop out that is making them say that.'


'i have to say, i really wonder. i don't know if i'll ever be married again. it would take a pretty remarkable guy, and several years of living together before i'd be willing to do that again.

and when i'm alone and think about having a kid, i'm so completely sure i don't want one in the next few years that i can't even think beyond that. but i grew up thinking i definitely wanted a kid. i wanted to be like my mom, and i thought i'd have three by the time i was twenty seven. missed the mark. just a tad.'


'i will be so much happier once i'm in a relationship that is functional, and not one sided. i'm really great at monogamy. in fact, i think i will be eaten alive once i start trying to 'date' someone.'


'it's taken a while for me to tell myself that i'm not selfish for wanting to be with someone i'm attracted to in every way. someone i'm interested in, that i'm excited to see, who i want to talk to, that i want to be with, and who wants to be with me.'


'it cracks me up when my sister calls me for advice. i'm like, 'really? have you heard that i'm getting a divorce? you REALLY want my relationship advice?'


'i will never forgive myself for settling. somehow, at 25, i felt like time was running out and that he was the best i could do/would find.

and i did disguise it for a long time, but i always knew that was what was going on. and i will never do that again. if i die alone, it would be better than settling for someone again. because it doesn't change how it made me feel. and for me, i also think that it reflected a lack of self worth. there were about five years there where i felt like white trash. like, really ingrained in me. because of how it made me feel being with someone who presented himself the way he did. i started to be more like him, and when i changed the way i presented myself, it made me feel like i deserved better.'


'i guess i have hope for finding someone to make a kid with by the time i'm 40. our generation is doing everything later. and if i want to have a kid and i am not with someone that can help me with that, then i'll just have a kid on my own. well, not technically. but you know what i mean. it would take a lot of planning ahead. but that's what a kid is, so it works for me.'

'forever is a long time. and even as committed as i was to only being with one person for the rest of my life, i couldn't do it. and that, combined with being unsatisfied was toxic. it could have been all the more reason to cheat. and i always said that if i ever was tempted to cheat, that i'd get out of my marriage, because i never understood it. and sure enough, in the end, i wanted to cheat. i mean, i wasn't in a situation that was compromising or anything, but my mind certainly wandered to those places, and i think that if one of a few different people had tried to even kiss me, i would have done it.'


'i kinda can't wait to go home and see what happens next summer. i'm ready for a change of scenery, and the way i'm going to set myself up is to not move all my shit down there until i'm sure about living there for at least a year or more. i think after the things i'm going through, i'm afraid to feel trapped, and if i take everything i own with me, it will make me feel like i've wasted a lot of time and money if i decide that it was a bad idea and leave again.

then again, i always run away from my problems.'


'i am trying to figure out the happiness thing. for me, i know i need to be happy with being alone for a while before i can be happy with someone else. and i already feel myself thinking, 'i want to meet someone'. but i know it's a trick.'


'if someone had told me back then, 'tea. do not settle. you will not be happy. don't rush because you feel like this is the best you can do or that you've missed the boat', i think i could have avoided a lot of pain and suffering in the long run. and figuring it out before the part where we had a kid is the best thing to come from all of this. i really don't know what i would have done if there was a kid involved. except stay and be miserable forever.'


'all that time i wasted and lost, stuck in my situation and unable morally to do anything to change it, i could have been taking chances with other people.

and even though, ultimately, the boy that i thought would be the one for me was not (and i'm still actively processing that), the way that he made me feel when i was there in december made me wish that i could just undo the marriage and take it back.

i used to think that i lived a life free of regrets, because i always felt like what was supposed to happen would, and that mistakes taught me important lessons.'


'i honestly don't know why i did what i did.'

and one of my personal favorite parts of my emails:

'my types (i think there are two, but one is definitely the dominant type)

dominant type: dark hair, dark beard (clean cut though), brown eyes, not tall (5'8 is perrrrfect), thin. smiles all the time. funny. witty. i really don't care for muscles at all. a nice pair of jeans that fit, and/or are tighter than the majority wear. and any random tee shirt will do, as long as it's not all holey.

that's pretty much the guy i'm looking for whenever i go out.

and i just described coffee. and intern.

other type: preppy. geeks/dorks. smart. blushers. lighter hair, and no facial hair at all. tattooes are a major bonus (good boy/bad boy). dress kinda like the weezer dudes. you know... collared shirt, sweater, pants that aren't jeans, but also don't have pleats.

and i just described most of my 'boyfriends' at my work. the cougar ones. they're all significantly younger than me.

and my newest fixation, the very engaged hot bartender is the perfect blend of the two types, which is probably why i'm unable to stop thinking about him these last few weeks.

and none of that describes ever. i mean, the height. and he was thin when we got married, but not for long. and bad tattooes, one from jail, which don't count.

see? never should have made an exception!'

and, ending it on a serious note:

'so now i feel like my little world is turned upside down, because i don't know what to do or when to do it. and especially because i don't know why he did that, and what will happen next.

i have to be prepared to pay it next month, or the house will go into foreclosure proceedings. i just told my mom tonight, because i couldn't bear to tell them that they were right, and that basically all of our worst nightmares are coming true now.

it helps me out, in a way, because no judge in their right mind would give him all this time he wants to live in the house with it in my name when he's already not making a payment seven months in. and because, if i make the payment, which is possibly what he's trying to force me to do, i should be able to kick him out and move back in until it sells. which is not at all what i want, but if i'm going to be paying for it, there's no way in hell i can pay for my apartment also. and ultimately, i get what i want, because the house would go on the market even earlier than i wanted for it to. which is the best case scenario.

i don't know the legalities. my lawyer sent him a letter. and like everything else with this fucking process, now i just have to sit and wait to see what he does. my hands are tied. i can't force anything yet.

i wish feelings were logical. wouldn't life be so much easier that way? i could shut off that nagging voice in my head that worries incessantly. and that makes me feel guilt for leaving a brainless retard.

every time something like this happens, and knocks me on my ass, i just wish i could go home. HOME. leave it all here, and distract myself by floating in a pool or a hot tub. let my mom cook and bake for me and fatten me up. and get a limitless flood of hugs and love. oh. and get sex when and where i want it. but that's neither here nor there.

it's why i feel like going home in the summer is the right choice.

i think i question my strength constantly here. like, i can't do this without drinking at least a beer a day, and kit holding my hand and helping me through it.

but i think there, i have the confidence i need, with a posse to back me up. i just get bored easily. and the only thing i have in my favor is a trip home for two weeks in december, and lots of time to figure this shit out. if it can even be figured out.

seriously, brownies... i spent something like seven years kicking myself for not listening to what you were trying to tell me.

and for losing you in the process.

i know you know this already.

but i don't think you actually understand. really, really understand.

you tried to save me from making the biggest mistake of my life so far. and i resented you for it.

and now i just can't even understand how i justified it at the time.

thanks for forgiving me. and for trying so hard when i was making it as impossible as i could for you to try to stand up to me for what you knew was not best for me.

no one else had the ability, only you. not my parents, not nina. none of them saw what you saw, and knew what you knew.

i'm learning a lot about humility and pride and stubbornness going through what i'm going through now. and not a day goes by that i don't just wish that i could take it all back and do it over again.

because, you know what? if i could, i wouldn't even have gone out with your sister that night.

and if i had met him some time later, it might have ended up the same way, but if i could change decisions i made back then and undo everything i have right now, i'd do it.

because this shit sucks. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

and something happened today. well, it didn't happen but i saw two things.

one was this little girl at work. she's maybe three. her grandma runs the cafeteria my store is in. she came in with her mom, and literally ran from the front door to her grandma with her arms out saying 'ma maw ma maw' all the way til she got to her. the story of her birth is a miracle, and her name is nevaeh, but she was so happy to see her that she didn't stop until she was scooped up. and it just made me think about how sweet it is for a baby to love a person that much. she was SO happy to see her and get kisses.

and now i'm in the third setting that i've written this letter in (my bed, then a parking garage waiting for kit in my car, then my stoop). and the little girl, maybe one, was being carried by her dad, all bundled up because it's in the fifties here. she was so cute, and crying and reaching for her mom. she only stopped crying when her mom kissed her, pushing the empty stroller.

these are the things that make me want to cry sometimes.

most of the time i'm glad the crying kid isn't mine. and then little things like that make me wish that a tiny person loved me that much.'

that's where my writing energy went the last week. and that is what i've been thinking for the last week, too.

now i'm off to the movies. to laugh at zach galifianakis. because it will make me feel better, i think...

going nowhere. fast. october 21st.

leave it to a long day at suck store to get caught up on everything i can.

for starters, i have a call in to the shrink for an appointment. i don't have an appointment yet, but i should get a call by the end of the day.

also, i called the surgeon to schedule for that stupid lump under my arm to be removed.

hopefully he does surgeries on fridays, and can get me in and out early in the am so i don't have to starve to death for a whole day, and so i have the weekend to recover.

i'm scared. i wish the thing wasn't growing or i'd just leave it where it is, inside my body. this is going to suck.

but i have to get it over with.

* * *

from bed.

with the radio on, listening to the phils only chance at the world series. if they lose, it's over.

so this is what happened earlier.

for starters, i made a killing in tips. everyone was tipping me bills, so they added up quickly.

then, i talked to shrink. no appointments on fridays. of course. so i'm back to square one. same with dentist. i'm going to have to take a personal day to get fillings and a shrink appointment. sounds great. i can't even imagine a day when i could do it right now.

i am so exhausted.


then called the surgeon. turns out i waited so long since my ultrasound/surprise mammogram that i now have to see him before i can even schedule an appointment.

so everything i was trying to accomplish got dashed.

cat forgot to order milk, so i woke up at 545 to go in a little early. i had to buy milk. two crates full. the equivalent of 8 gallons. heavy shit. had to carry it to the car and then from the car to the store.

it was a bitch.

and that, combined with being overly tired from four long days so far this week, plus sleep deprivation from watching all these weekday baseball games.

i felt like i was getting the flu.

or, i feel like i am getting sick.


can't tell if the achy feeling is from lifting all that milk. can't tell if i'm legitimately cold because it's cooler out, or if i have a fever.

and i'm tired which makes me feel like crying would be the best possible solution to this problem.

kit and i went to the bar, too early for the game. had dinner and a beer, and i just couldn't sit there.

it sucks not having cable. i can't just lay on my couch and see what is happening.

i really just wanted to drink a few beers at the bar on a couch. is that too much to ask?

so, i did what i had to do.

defeated, i walked home. turned on the am radio and eventually found the game. it took forever to fine tune away the screechy static.

and it's exciting so far. i won't bore you with sports details. but it's been back and forth. and we've been sucking. so it's just good to not have our asses handed to us.

i'm in bed. listening to baseball on the radio, which is something that i used to do with ever before we had a tv at the house. we listened to so many games.

as far as that stuff goes, today was a mixed bag.

one of my customers came and talked to me for about fifteen minutes, i guess.

she's so sweet. so cute. has two or three kids, the youngest is going to college next semester. and when she moves out of the house, and goes to school, she's leaving her husband. she's been planning her divorce for about six months, and in another, she will do it.

even though i'm about fifteen years younger than her, she asks me questions about everything i'm going through. and she was visibly upset that things are getting worse for me instead of better, and she also fears that her husband will go to extremes to try to hurt and upset her when she makes her announcement.

today, she asked me how i told him. and it was funny. i couldn't remember. i know that it was on valentine's day. and that it followed a lot of talking and crying. but i have stopped re-reading because of the stress i'm already under. i feel like reliving it is too much for me right now. the only problem is that i want to start planning the illustration storyboard for the little project i want to start, and that will require reading.

in paper journal, i wrote some notes a while back.

i want to draw the photo shoot post. i want kit to draw one of the dark sky posts if she's willing. i want nina to draw something from december trip home posts. and because beekie is an awesome artist who can relate to my situation, i'd love for her to pitch in, too.

the most memorable posts that are lodged in my head without re-reading are wild blue, which i'd draw to include my puppy daughter. and probably something from my last nights at my-your. i remember the crazy stream of thought from that time. and maybe moving day.

oh. and olfactory might be my favorite post ever. i think that if i can avoid drawing people, i'll be great. or if i can assign one person to draw people and then each post is collaborative. i'm brainstorming here now. sorry.

i feel better being home in pjs. and knowing that i get to sleep in late tempts me to stay up late, despite exhaustion.

but i won't do it. or i'll end up sick for sure.

i told mom today. she texted me to dress up as lady gaga for halloween, bringing a solar system mobile into the costume. i'm thinking about it. if i have an excuse to.

but when i called back, i knew i had to tell her. so i did. and she was supportive, of course. but it didn't make me feel any better about the situation.

nothing will at this point, except for ever manning up and paying the mortgage.

it's going to be a long thirty days, i fear.

* * *

and as i posted that, a party at the house was being posted. a potluck.

because apparently, when you're ever, you can throw a party at the house when you don't make the mortgage payment.

makes PERFECT sense.

no surpises. october 20th.

all i have for today is the email from lawyer.

it said that ever called him and left a voicemail. saying that, when he took the trash out, he found parts of the marital settlement agreement in the trash, and could he please resend the agreement.

seriously? i am not the least bit surprised.

i wouldn't be surprised if he was drinking again.

i wouldn't be surprised if he lost it in the mess of the house.

i wouldn't be surprised if he was stoned.

i wouldn't be surprised if the dog peed on it.

in any case, parts of it allegedly ended up in the trash.

but everything he says is a lie.

if only i believed that he didn't intentionally throw it away.

or give the only copy to someone.

i used to think he was so smart. so innovative. he'd always be thinking eight steps ahead. he rarely acted on it, but he was always thinking of the big picture.

and, one thing i keep finding myself doing is trying to figure out what the fuck he is thinking.

and every time i think i have a clue, he does something to throw me off.

i don't know.

did he just come up short for the mortgage? is this his version of a divorce temper tantrum?

is asking for the papers his attempt to draw this out longer? if lawyer didn't send it certified, did the paralegal roommate tell him to 'lose' it? can he say that he needs more time, or is this set in stone like lawyer said?

this is what my brain has been doing for 48 hours now. i'm exhausted beyond words.

just from thinking. add to that mix three ten hour days, from the time i leave to the time i get home.

tomorrow is another long day. long day number four, to be exact. and it starts when my alarm goes off at 545 in the morning.

phils are up. i'm gonna be tired. hopefully it's gonna be worth it.

calming down. october 19th.

it took four beers and he phillies loss, but i'm a little bit calmer tonight.

the work stuff settled down, despite another insane day.

ever hasn't paid the mortgage. from what i saw online tonight, gmac starts foreclosure proceedings at 60 days past due. so i have a little time.

and the lawyer sent ever the letter. so there's that. asking for his thoughts on the agreement, and ending with the warning about the house.

believe me when i say this.

if he doesn't act fast, the house will be on the market by the time i go home. and ever can add homeless to his growing list of failures.

fuck him. he is not my problem.

and i still worry what will happen to the business. but, again. not my problem anymore.

it also felt good to delete friends of his and random others from facebook. people who don't bother to check in with me. and people who are generally jerks in real life.

i hope i can sleep again. i'm exhausted. this week already is taking a toll on me. but i am paid, so there's that.

i found two entire seasons of the universe to fall asleep to, or watch, depending on how i feel. last night, i fell asleep to the milky way episode. finally answering my question of where exactly our solar system is in the galaxy. good to know where (they actually had an arrow, like 'you are here'), even though my mind is completely blown by this new information.

it's funny to think you are a part of something so big, like our solar system. and to realize that it's just a tiny speck of dust, when looking at the bigger picture. it makes me feel small and insignificant. but i am in awe of it.

i'm happy to have something new to watch while waiting for my weekly episodes, which all unfortunately get posted on fridays.

aside from that, there's not much to say tonight.

i'm just depleted.

and tired.

and really hoping that ever realizes that sticking his head in the sand at this point is not going to get him anywhere that he wants to be.

will this ever end? will i ever be divorced? will i ever collect the money that will give me a fresh start, wherever it is that i want to do that?

i hope so. i really, really hope so.

the one where tea has a breakdown. oct 18th.

i called it.

i knew it.

i was walking to work today, smoking while walking my bike past the methadone clinic that is a daily reminder that i am still technically married to a recovering junkie. and i had a thought. seemed fleeting at the time. it followed another short dizzy spell, and i thought,

'i feel like i'm going to have a nervous breakdown'.

nothing had happened. i woke up an hour before my alarm, stressed on work. not wanting to get out of bed.

i had a fun night last night, with three newer friends, watching the grossest phils game ever broadcast. there were snot rockets galore, spit and dribbling spit, nail biting. you name it. nasty.

it seemed silly to think it at the time i was walking.

i dismissed it, after wondering what would happen if i really did have a breakdown.

and went into work. i wrote up three employees because i had to mop the floor again on friday. because one didn't do it, the other two refused. i'd had enough.

it was crazy busy. i made it through most of the day without a hiccup.

but at 430 i missed a call on both of my phones, work and personal.

and wondered who would try so hard to get into touch with me. so i called the number back.

gmac mortgage.

it seems that ever has decided not to pay the mortgage this month.

i've been checking on it. he always pays late, despite that dating site line so many months back stating something to contrary. his defense to me is, 'it's not late until after the tenth.' so he pays it consistently on the tenth.

i can only assume he is doing this because of the settlement agreement.

or because it took him seven months to figure out that paying the mortgage isn't easy.

somehow, i always managed to pay it on the 20th, two weeks ahead of the due date.

how he cannot have the money with roommates covering the whole thing is beyond me.

except that he has a new release.

priorities. business first. or non-profit, rather, first. ego second. everything else third.

i don't know.

i sat on the phone, hoping it was a mistake, and while the woman had me on eternal hold, i logged into the account online. and sure enough, the last payment received was september 10th.

i kicked myself for not following up after i looked, around the 5th of this month, to make sure. i just assumed he was doing what he had been doing every other month.

when i heard the recording for gmac, i panicked. and said aloud, at work, 'you've gotta be fucking KIDDING me'.

kim looked at me and said, 'oh no'.

oh, yes.

so the lady gets back on the phone asking me if i'm prepared to make a payment over the phone.

i explained that no, i'm not. that i left the home seven months ago, that my husband has two roommates who signed leases and that he is responsible for the mortgage, and that we are in the process of getting the divorce now, and that it is in the agreement that he is solely responsible for the mortgage.

and gave them his number.

the lady didn't seem to fully understand me, but i didn't understand her either. i told her to call him for the payment, and hung up.

in my panic, i called my lawyer. that's what he's there for, right?

i asked if he'd heard anything. he said no. said he finally heard from the attorney ever name-dropped, and that he is not representing him, and cannot say anything because ever isn't his client.

so i told him that i was in a panic, and told him about the mortgage.

he's drafting a letter that says that, if he doesn't make this payment, we'll request an emergency hearing with the judge for our settlement hearing, and request that the house be put on the market immediately.

which only made me feel a little bit better.

i'm so stupid. i wanted to call kit. i wanted to call my mom. because i was having a freakout at work. i fucked up five orders, and then left to come home, in a daze.

i didn't call my mom because she warned me not to leave the house after i'd already moved out. she warned me that, if i'm not there, i can't know what is happening. and that he would probably pull a stunt like this.

not to mention asking me every month if i'd been keeping up with the mortgage to make sure he was paying it. which i had been. with a false sense of security, because until now, it was all fine.

so i didn't call her.

kit was nice enough to not say i told you so. but helped me try to make some sort of a plan, in a way. and looked into what i can do to try to save my credit as he drags it down without my knowing.

i came home to an email from crystal. bitching about the mopping. saying that they just don't have time.

and i lost it.

who the fuck do these people think they are? better yet, what kind of a person do they think that i am?

so i wrote her back:

'i'll come check out the situation in the morning and afternoon later this week if i need to, watch everyone work and see just how bad it is.

i bet i can find ten minutes in both shifts where the work can be done.

we have all the same work to do at (my store), and have been doing about as much business as (their store), and we manage to get it all done, clean the store, grind the coffee, and everything is stocked. and no one complains, because it is a team effort.

if everyone just cleans up their own messes and sets each other up with prep, this won't be a problem. but it makes us look unprofessional to say 'well, they didn't do it so i'm not doing it'. i'm sick of it. it's like being in elementary school and i'm not going to put up with it from you, dan, quinn, or ashley.

it took me five minutes to mop on friday, and five minutes to get the mop and put it back. if you two can't find ten minutes in your morning to mop, then you have a problem. i mopped at 230 and the floor stayed clean after that. the floors get dirty mostly in the morning, because it's not as hectic in the afternoon.

i'll pay attention to sales in the morning vs afternoon and the labor being spent on the shifts.

and if dan is leaving you with extra sidework to do for him so he can leave early, then i'll address that as well. i'm working around him needing to leave earlier than anyone has ever left. he needs to do his part if he wants the morning shift.

i'll see you tomorrow. '

and then started baking banana bread. for a bake off ashley and i challenged each other to, in an effort to use the too-ripe bananas at work.

i didn't have milk, so i went to the store. came back. baked.

and, for the record... my oven still sucks. so the muffins suck. i'm attempting a round pan cake version because the muffins were awful, but i don't have high hopes for that, either.

it was a nice attempt. and i felt better while i was putting the batter together.

i realized that i can't just stop being nice. and put an end to people walking all over me overnight.

but they have all been warned. and they're going to get it. and i have told them more than once now. so for that set of people, i can stop being nice.

and as for ever...

he is only hurting himself.

the talk i've been having with myself in my head all night goes something like this:

the house won't get foreclosed upon.

i know about it now, so i'll pay attention. and check daily until i see that it has been handled.

a judge isn't going to let him stay there if he can't make the payments.

he is only hurting his own case by not making this payment.

it is not my responsibility, even though it still technically is.

kit told me that i can write a letter to the creditors, stating that my husband is at fault, and to basically file a complaint so that i am not held accountable for his actions.

like the parents of an irresponsible child.

'sorry, transunion. my man-child husband thinks he's being funny. please don't punish me. i'm trying desperately to divorce him.'


so now i wait a week.

check on the mortgage daily, i guess.

and wait to hear from the lawyer about the letter he sent.

maybe some day ever will realize that pulling these stunts isn't going to bring me back. that trying to get at me now isn't going to do anything productive. and that his temper tantrums and sob story about his wife not loving him and leaving him isn't going to help, in light of his total and utter lack of responsibility. if anything, i think it will just go to show that i didn't leave because i wasn't in love with him anymore. but that i left because i needed a partner, not an anchor, and that he is incapable of being a productive and responsible adult.

i just want him to admit that he can't qualify for the mortgage for legitimate reasons.

and yeah, it sucks that i left him. but he can't just go on living there like he has been, without thinking that my leaving will impact him.

my mom was right. again. i should have stayed and made him leave.

he fucked up when he didn't pull his weight and man up. and now that i'm gone, he is still living in that bubble. the one that protects him from getting a job. a real job. and working for a living. like every other adult has to. to pay his bills. on time. and to take care of himself.

my days of helping him were more than they should have been. and only i am to blame for that. i was stupid. i was thinking with my heart, not my brain. and against everyone else's better judgment, i left the house, and hoped for the best on my way out the door.

maybe in the same way, i can't just go on living this way, either. i can't just walk away from him and the house, and think that everything will be okay and handled because i have a lawyer. i can't be free so easily.

i can't just think, 'i warned him. he knows better. he'll make the right decisions.'

if his goal was to stress me out and make me worry and have panic attacks, then he has succeeded.

congratulations, ever. just when i thought you couldn't outdo yourself, you did. i commend you. job well done, asshole. you have really done it this time.

i don't know how i will make the payment if he really won't or can't. all i know is that i can't lose my house. i won't let that happen.

kit seems to think he just forgot to pay it. but i know that he pays too much attention to dates with his work, so that doesn't fly with me. he has a two month calendar on the wall.

i think he overstretched his financial commitments, with the release from this past friday night. i think that, as i warned him on multiple occasions, his income fluctuates too much to get cocky and think he has it all under control all the time.

i wasn't kidding when i told him to put money aside for the mortgage every month, because his income isn't guaranteed.

but did he listen? no. he was too busy telling me how much extra money he has laying around and how i must have been spending it all when i was there, because since i left, there's a lot more to go around.

and now? well, now, i don't know what is happening.

it's the anger talking.

this post is probably smoking. or scalding. smoldering. something like that.

despite all of this, i still can't cry. and one pbr and one monkey after all that went down today, i feel nothing. i mean, anger, yes. but manageable.

and i can breathe again, which is a relief. because watching a few minutes of 'mean girls' at kit's earlier tonight shouldn't have made me feel claustrophobic. it shouldn't have made me feel like i couldn't breathe.

i apologized when i said that i had to leave. it was that same 'get out!' feeling from this weekend.

mom's packages strike again. she sent one to kit today. i knew about it, but not what she had put together. all she said was that they were so grateful that kit is in my life, and has helped me through all of this so. and mom wanted to do something nice. so she sent her a care package.

and i had to go see what she had done.

and it goes without saying.

my mom is the best.

but i just said it.

back to the other stuff. i think that this house thing is why i've been dreaming about going there. and dreaming of ever giving me boxes of my shit. i think it's why i've been dreaming about going through the house with realtors. i think it's why i've been having panic attacks and dizzy spells.

i think that i sensed it coming.

which does mean that i'm admitting there's more truth than i was previously willing to admit, when it comes to that intuition book.

i should be reading it again. but getting this post out of my system was more important to me.

it's raining outside, so i should probably have one last smoke and read for a few minutes.

i don't know what is going to happen when i try to go to sleep. or what will happen when i fall asleep.

kim asked me about my ankle tattoo today at work, so i told her about the ghost. and that was before the phone call. so i thought that i'd have those dreams tonight.

but now ever and house nightmares seem the more likely route.

and speaking of dreams.

since the post about the nazi cruise, and the end of the world nightmare this weekend that i told kit about, i've now inspired two different nightmares. one for kit and one for nina.

sorry, guys.

i'm now writing them down when i wake up, but not posting it.

i try to only post the ones that seem relevant. and i know how awful they are for me when i have them. the last thing i want to do is inspire armageddon nightmares.

nina dreamed that i was being drowned.

i guess in a way, figuratively, i am.

it does feel like drowning, sometimes. and i don't use that metaphor lightly.

sometimes i forget to breathe, or feel like i can't.

and today was the most intense stress i've felt in a while.

i can't explain it by saying what it is. but i can give contextual descriptions, i guess.

when i hung up with the mortgage people, i was shaking. out of anger. when i hung up with the lawyer, i was shaking. i guess from nerves.

i don't remember my ride home. i just know that i got here, got off my bike, and sat on my stoop to smoke while the fire department put out a fire at the house across the street. there were two firetrucks and a fireman with full sleeve tattooes, or i might not have noticed.

i carried my bike up and kit called and i talked to her for nine minutes, but i don't remember much of it.

the last time i remember feeling this way was the day that i met ever at subway. i came home and started to feel like i had to call someone. kit. my mom. nina. kenna. someone who could calm me down.

and that day, i called all of those people. and then felt like an idiot when i calmed down. because it just upset my mom and scared kenna (who couldn't talk anyway and didn't answer). and afterwards, i kicked myself for telling either of them.

so today, i had the exact same feeling. but i didn't act on it.

my mom called, and i actually refused to tell her what happened with ever. i told her i'd talk to her about it at the end of the week, after i'd had some time.

and i really almost called kenna. but i knew what she'd be doing at 530, so i didn't even bother.

i think that, more than anything, right now, i just wish that i could take a mental leave of absence. i know that i'm half-assing my job right now. that i'm good at doing the day to day shit, but that in an overall way, i'm sucking at my job right now. i can't focus or concentrate because of the noise of the divorce in the back of my mind at all times.

and most of the time, it is nothing.

but days like today seriously make me think that i'm headed for a nice room in a nice hospital on a valium drip. where everyone is proud that i can decide what i want for lunch.

i hope that when it happens, if it does happen, that i don't snap and not come back the way ever's sister did.

because all anyone said after her breakdown was, 'she'll never be the same again. part of her didn't come back from that'.

i just hope that doesn't happen to me.

and if i forget to call the shrink tomorrow, i'm going to slap myself.

because if there's one thing i know, it's that i need help right now. and if i keep forgetting to call, i'll never get in there to talk.

i'm at the point now where i think i should ask for something to take when i'm having an attack.

but i know that drinking daily, mixed with some kind of downer, is not okay. so maybe i just keep going along this way.

the panic attacks only last for a few minutes.

and taking a pill won't make the problems go away.


so nevermind.

forget i said anything at all.

tomorrow can only be better.

i'm reminded that this week was supposed to be better than last.

and i laugh, in spite of myself.

i might actually be cracking up...