rtw 34. 11/20/10

say it with a kiss. write about kissing.

like i have said time and again with this book. i always flip it open to the exercise that is most fitting.

so here it is.

sometimes, i want it so badly, i can really almost feel it.

the way i want it to be.

not sloppy. very sweet. very slow. very playful. but meant.


i used to have a list of people i'd kissed.

i'm sure i could uncover it in an old sketch book somewhere, but am not going to look.

and this summer, i couldn't believe that coffee thought we'd kissed when we hadn't.

but then i realized that there are people i can't remember if i'd kissed either.

thinking about not being kissed is one of the hardest things i face on a daily basis.

but what is it about it? there's all the cheesy shit about souls connecting. whatever.

for me, when i start, i don't want to stop. there's an aspect of lips that i really love. i like full lips. when i talk to a boy that i like, i watch him talk and imagine what it would be like to kiss him. would he be a good kisser? would it make me like him more? that answer is yes.

i am a kissing addict. i'm always thinking about the next time.

someone leaning over me and kissing me. pinning someone down and kissing them.

i am also a reverter. just today, i was thinking about kissing intern.

it would have been nice.

and also? impossible.

i want to want someone. push them into my door, and just go for it. push them down onto my couch or my bed and just kiss for hours.

it wouldn't be good if i didn't have chapped lips the next day. like a kissing hangover.

i don't know who it will be. or how it will happen. but my heart races when i think that thought.

i think i'm supposed to get specific here, but i don't know that i can. it's referred to as swapping spit, i guess. but i don't like that kind of kissing. wet sloppy kisses are not for me.

there's something about kissing with your eyes closed. i guess it eliminate a sense, visual, that forces you to let your imagination free. unleashed. and wandering hands. replacing touch with vision.

that split second before you get kissed, when you close your eyes and feel yourself slipping into something different. excited. ready. and only waiting for a split second before being in it.

i don't know if i'm a good kisser. i was afraid to kiss for the first time after being deprived of it for so long.

but do you ever forget? is it really like riding a bike? you might not do it for years. but it's instinctive.

latching onto a lower lip. knowing that the person is there and kissing you for that window of time.

i'm obsessed, as i am with many other things, with kissing.

and if i wasn't so choosy, i probably could have been kissed long ago.

but i guess i don't take it lightly. even though i should. i can't help feeling a connection. i mean, isn't that why we do it?

an exploration of someone else, in a way.

if it isn't good, case closed. because it doesn't always last long. and then all you're left with is the memory of what it was like.

to kiss and be kissed.

story slam. november 20th.

so, thanks to kit, i did something i never would have done otherwise, and now i'm struck with inspiration again.

there was this thing called a story slam.

people who want to tell a story put their name in a bucket. names are drawn and they tell a story about a given topic. there are ten slots, and three judges, but the crowd also scores each person.

it's like open mic for storytellers.

i'd never heard of such a thing, and it was at the museum, which was a change of venue from their normal nights at a couple local bars.

needless to say, it won't be my last.

so one of my biggest fears, maybe even fear number two, after spiders and before drowning, is public speaking.

i don't know that i can muster the strength to do it someday, but this thing made me want to.

on february 14th, which is my first day of singledom according to the constraints i've put upon myself, the topic is ex-files.

and if ever there was a more appropriate topic for me to tell a five minute unscripted story, that would be it. the next one at the smaller bar is in december, and that topic is anniversaries. which kit said i should totally do.

i am thinking about it. drop my name in a bucket and see if i get picked. tempting fate, in a way. only last night, there were only nine names to fill ten slots, so everyone had to go up.

it was a lot of fun.

i agreed to go, and kit agreed to go to favorite bar with me after.

so we took the bus up and back, met a couple who were friends with the director of the program and who came from favorite bar.

and went for dinner and drinks after.

and there was no sign of boy, but sam was working. the night before i'd promised myself that i'd introduce myself to hot bartender. and i did. and it was nice. last night, i promised myself i'd ask sam about boy.

and i did. it was not so nice.

she hasn't seen him since that night, and thinks he moved away.

so i guess it's over.

in my head, at least, it has to be.

and after finding that out, i promised myself that i would never let something like this happen again.

i won't be afraid next time. well, i will. but i won't let it stop me if there's a boy that i like.

so it was an interesting night. and i feel alright today.

couldn't sleep in, but didn't get out of bed until after 11. then cleaned and listened to interpol because i never do, but like them.

and now i'm here. writing. about to do laundry. and watch a bunch of stuff on netflix.

i like saturdays like this. it's chilly out, but kinda sunny, and i like that i have nothing imperative to accomplish. just what i want, when i want.

also, i set up my birthday mini-party.

i guess it's in preparation for the story slam, in a way.

i only invited 12 people to do karaoke. which i've never done. because of said fear.

intern got an invite, even though i know he won't show up.

i picked only the most fun people i know, who would be into it.

i want to do something else, where i invite a bunch of people. and maybe i will. but this is the one thing i've decided to do to push myself a little out of my comfort zone. to have a good time and be social.

aside from that, i guess i've noticed leaves this week.

most of the pretty ones are dead and fallen. trees that served as umbrellas this summer when i'd smoke in the rain are now bare and serve no secondary purpose. they just remind me that it's getting colder, it's really fall, and winter is on its way. snow and all...

november 18th.

yeah. suck store.

didn't get up early, because i couldn't fall asleep. i know i was awake at 1230. i am sure i was up until at least 1.

totally awake.

couldn't think of anything to help me fall asleep. not even thinking of someone to be sleeping next to me.

i mean, i thought of it, but it didn't put me to sleep.

i think it's the diet coke.

i mean, i pretty much know it's the diet coke. i'm going to have to get caffeine free. because it sucked.

so i took a few hours' nap. came to work.

totally uneventful day so far. a little too quiet for my taste.

i'm going shopping after work. for food, not anything fun.

and i ordered food to be delivered with a couple people from the room i work in, loudly enough for the douchebags to hear. i really, really hate them.

and knowing that i can do at least one little thing to make them angry makes me even happier. my lunch is going to taste great.

there's not really much else to report. especially not since i just wrote last night.

i was cracking up writing out the story of the boy last night. it was so funny. i think i picture the way the girls look at me when i have one of those moments, and that alone makes me laugh. adding this shy quiet boy into the mix makes it even funnier. i know his face. and imagining him raising his eyebrows makes me laugh harder.

i am really craving bread today. i know it's all a mindgame. i just want what i can't have. this is one of my universal truths. knowing that i can't have something makes me want it all the more.

actually, lunch sucked. the order got screwed up and i ended up paying $19 for a salad that was doused in dressing, five teeny pieces of chicken nuggets with fries i couldn't eat, and mozzarella sticks i didn't want, but ended up paying for.

that's what i get for trying to make a point.

i can't even eat the salad. it was warm, too. so, into the fridge, and i'll mix it with salad i buy at the store later. two people ordered cheese sticks, but they were both for the same person. since i called it in, i paid for it.

man. stupid.

i could have spent about $5 downstairs and had pretty much the same thing. only the way i wanted it. oh, well.

last night, i had this feeling. that underlying excitement feeling again. like something exciting is about to happen.

and it was funny, after the near run-in with caterpillar through the window, when i walked my bike home, i stopped to light a cigarette at a strange part of my walk, i happened to look to my right.

cute intern-looking boy. not the one i wanted to see. but still... it was on an alley, and i never look down it. and there he was, looking back at me.

now i know.

cute boy smoker, halfway down...

i've really got nothing. grasping at straws here.

in the book of epic fails, this one might be the best in a while...

i am so smart that i scheduled my surgery for two days after my birthday, which falls on a wednesday this year.

so the night i'd want to go out, i will be recovering from being knocked out.

pretty smart, right? yeah. totally smart.

and the girls at work and i agree that we need to go to karaoke for my birthday. none of us have ever gone, i don't even know where to go. but it's the plan. i mean, i've watched. but i've never participated.

kim and i are going to do a katy perry duet. the one song comes on like 5 times a day at work, and every time we tell each other it's katy perry.

in planning for it, last night, i realized that the day when i wanted to plan it for is the same as surgery.

oh, well...

it will be one for the books.

i guess this is 33. getting older. having surgery on my birthday weekend when i'd much rather party my ass off instead.

i'm not a fan. not that i want to be all benjamin button growing younger, but you know... it would have been nice to stall out at like 27 for a bunch of years.

it will be a few more years until i'm prime again. i guess that will be the next cool birthday.

though to go on a tiny elevens tangent...

33 is a multiple of 11.
and i'll be 33 for almost all of 2011.

so there. take that, 11.

head aches. november 17th.

maybe it's from crying at benjamin button.

but i already felt it coming on when i got home from work.

this is tea detoxing from sugar. cakes and pastries at work. popcorn, ramen, and shitty microwave food at home.

day two of atkins-ish diet.

i miss my bed snacks. popcorn and cheezits.

but just knowing i'm doing something is making me feel so much better.

i miss beer, too.

trading stoli vanil and diet is a crutch. i was writing in paper journal today that i feel less shitty when i wake up and before sleep without beer.

but i love it.

i will try to do this until thanksgiving. and then maintain until i go home.

i also finished battlestar galactica. and started buffy upon nina's recommendation.

i decided tonight, upon missing the leonids shower peak, that i will not miss another.

it makes me sad to think that i could be seeing something so neat because i live in a city with too much light pollution.

this time next year, i'm mostly positive i'll be home.

with a kickass telescope.

and that makes me feel better about another night in, alone.

part of the movie i just watched involved some intense passion. and there was this one scene, where he kisses her. and i could almost feel it, i wanted it so badly.

i just want to make out.

no one understands this but me.

i need a boy to make out with, as soon as i can find one.

it shouldn't matter who it is, but to me it does.

i will find it. i just have to be patient.

and if not, i can always go to the source of passion.

chalk has come back with some innuendo in scrabble. he knows i'm coming home soon. he's buttering me up.

and i can't say that i mind. even though it's not the same, and it's not what i'm looking for. it will get me by...

* * *

how could i forget?

this is a funny story.

with an interesting twist...

so yesterday at work, my newest adorkable 'boyfriend' came by.

i didn't see him walk up, because i was behind the pastry case.

and pam was on her phone, goofing off, kim was at the register.

i was all bundled up in my coat and backpack to bike to the bank.

and kim said, 'tea? can you help me?'

and i said, 'whaaaat?' in my annoyed bitchy voice, looking at pam who was totally able to help her.

and i came from behind the case, and he was standing there.

and like the retard that i am, i said, 'oh.'

he smiled.

and i grabbed his mug to fill it.

smiling while i filled it for being such an idiot.

pam was cracking up.

she said he raised his eyebrows. which they both refer to as big hairy caterpillars.

and when i handed him his coffee, and turned away, he did it again. kim asked him how his day was going.

he smiled and said something simple, like 'fine'.

i wanted to kill them. and harm myself for always being an idiot when it counts. i could have said one of a million things.

but all i could muster was, 'oh.'

obviously obvious.

so then today, i went to smoke.

and i knew that when i left, he'd come by.

and i found out after that he did. and that they tried to stall him, but i don't know what for.

the next time i see him i know i will blush and be an idiot.

so i went to smoke in my secret hiding spot. it's on the backside of the building kit used to do research in.

and i was walking back to work, and passed by the lab where her old window was. and i don't know why.

but i looked in the window.

and who is sitting there, staring at his computer? luckily...

yep. adorkable boyfriend.

i already feel like a stalker. and now, every day when i smoke, i'll be afraid he'll see me there. researchers for the most part detest smoking.

and every day now, i know where he works. and i'll have to try not to look in the fucking window. out of habit.

oh, well.

it was an interesting thing.

having the feeling to look in.

and seeing him sitting there. less than a foot away from me. separated by a single pane of glass.

a window.

see previous post to really get the implication. and to try to understand how it made me feel.

rtw 185. 11/15/10

windows. free associate. view at different times. character through a window.

just last night, i was thinking about something...

i was painting in my kitchen all day, then it got dark out, and i happened to look out my kitchen window. i had it open to air our paint fumes.

right when i looked out, i simultaneously saw four neighbors behind the building i live in.

one through his window, two through an open door, and on his roof deck.

it was such a nice day for mid-november, and i thought it was interesting that six months after i moved in, i noticed things for the first time. the woman on the second floor, same as me, in the house directly behind me was in her kitchen with her back to me in front of her open door. she was cutting something down, it was big, like a yucca. she had this huge knife.

to her left, on the second floor, an older man was in his laundry room. i saw him through his open window. he opened his door and came out onto his back deck.

to her right, also on the second floor, a man in his forties, came out his open back door and was on his deck on the phone.

i had never noticed the deck on the rooftop of that building, and there was another man, under a trellis lit by christmas lights, just walking around.

as it is with 'room to write', tonight i opened to three different exercises, and was simultaneously struck by all of them.

one was wishes. which i already did, but it took a few minutes of being struck by it to remember. and without re-reading it, i want to do it again. because my wishes now are different, but variations on the same thing.

as they always are.

part of me wants to ignore the desire to write it again. and part of me doesn't.

the second one is one called 'i once was...but now...'

that is next.

but the third one was called 'windows'.

it reminded me of this idea i had a long time ago for another novel, mixed with this excitement for remembering yesterday's experience with open windows and open doors.

i'm going to start the story line here.

essentially, it's a story i thought of, one day, driving with ever. i looked over at a stoplight, and saw the passenger in a car on my left, and a driver on my right.

and it made me think that it would be cool to write a story that involved four lives (or maybe only the three), intertwined by a stoplight. each person knowing the others' stories just by glimpsing them.

i'm sure something like this has been written before, but saying as i don't watch movies much (until the last week), and i don't read much, i don't know of a specific one.

the passenger was going to be a girl. the girl i saw looked sad, and i tried to think of her as someone in a bad relationship.

the driver was a guy. i didn't know where to go with him.

and then my character, as the passenger was going to have a story.

i didn't know how to tie them together.

i think this is my next project...

rtw 80. 11/15/10

i used to be... but now...

i used to be a fatalist, but now i am a realist.

i used to be an optimist, have become a pessimist, but now i am returning to being an optimist.

i used to think that there was only one person for me, but now i know that i was wrong.

i used to think that i was happy, but now i wonder if i ever was.

i used to think that i was a wife, but now i am divorcing.

i used to think that i was a good writer, but now i struggle again to write outside my experience.

i used to think that i could only write when i was heartbroken, but now i struggle to write despite being heartbroken.

i used to think that i could only write if i was a smoker, but now i am just a smoker.

i used to think that everything happened for a reason, but now i wonder.

i used to think that there was a god, but now i think that is impossible.

i used to think that i had to fight for what i wanted and dreamed, but now i think everything is easier if i don't fight it.

i used to think that i was in love, but now i wonder if any of it was ever real.

i used to think that i'd found my home, but now i wonder where i'll end up.

i used to think that i'd never move home, and now it's where i want to go.

i used to think that i'd rather do something insignificant in a big place where i was just a number, but now i think i'd rather do something great in a place that is small, comfortable, and familiar, where i know a lot of people.

i used to think that i feel, but now i think maybe i made it all up.

i used to think that i needed a muse, but now i keep looking for a new one.

i used to think that i was different.

but now i think that i am the same.

SPOILER ALERT. 500 days, second time around...

if you have not seen 500 days of summer, do not read this.

SERIOUSLY. stop. i'll wait...

this is what i thought of it, as written to brownies (mostly)...

it's everything that i went through with coffee. always. and especially this summer.

i think that what got to me the most was just the change of perspective. how the first half of the movie was what he saw. he was so in love with her that he had this perfect view of how things were.

and even though i wanted to see their story the way he did, it fucked with me when it went back to all the situations and she was acting differently, and he either didn't notice it, or just didn't acknowledge it.

and there were two things i hated about it.

one, that she would be engaged and married in like two months after she broke up with him.

and two, the whole 'autumn' ending.

i thought that the speed with which she got engaged was a retarded story twist.

fine, get engaged. but make more time pass, and don't get married in like one month.

and the autumn ending? come on. no one has that happen so quickly for them, either. i thought it detracted from the reality of the movie as a whole.

everything else about it was so pretty and so great.

i lost it when he left her party and everything went white. like, couldn't stop crying.

and when she was in the park with him in the end.

and the part that really upset me, made me angry, was when he was drawing on her arm, and she was looking away and rolling her eyes. because that was one of my favorite parts, through his eyes.

i loved how it skipped around, too.

she's just so fucking pretty. i'd kill for her wardrobe in that movie. and he is so cute - exactly the type of boy i'd fall for. the way he looks, dresses, all of it. everything about him is pretty much what i want in a guy. the fact that he was the one with all the feelings just made it even worse for me, because it makes me think that there are guys like that out there. waiting, like i am. looking, like i am. feeling, like i am capable of feeling.

i tried watching this movie 'brick' because he was in it. but i really didn't like it. i guess it's film noir, and i must not be a fan, because it drove me nuts.

i just saw it, and i got stuck in my own head about myself. i just feel like i could relate all too well.

that line about, 'it was everything i wasn't sure of with you.'


just because of how real and honest it was.

yeah. i'm totally watching it again now.

i'll add to this as i go. i wonder how much it will change for me, knowing the end throughout it.

when i watched it the first time, and was crying, i didn't want it to be over. i tried watching the bonus features, but it wasn't working.

i loved the opening. 'especially you, jenny beckman.' then, 'bitch.'

and the soundtrack. sigh...

i'll write more after i watch it again.

god... the part when they're outside karaoke and she asks him if he likes her. then attacks him in the copy room. how flushed he gets.


that's the shit my fantasies are made of.

and all of the ikea stuff.

and i'm so glad to have the hall & oats reference to this movie. because before this, it was the wedding singer when they're eating the cake samples. still dorky, but it's endearing and hilarious.

and i think the thing that i've been dealing with lately is house envy/apartment envy.

and both of their apartments are so awesome.

and now kit and i say 'penis' in public on occasion.

and i think it's fellini that the movie he is in, watching alone, is borrowed from. i used to watch his stuff when i first moved to phila. really odd, but interesting. i went through this phase of only watching french films. it made me remember that.

and holy shit! the part where it shows his expectations versus what is really happening. man...killed me, too. the song is by regina spektor, and it's like a knife to the heart for me.

his sister. how everything she said was so spot on, despite their age difference. reminds me a lot of my sister. despite the fact that she's eleven year younger than me, she is so much smarter... especially at relationships. it just makes sense to her.

and 'it just wasn't me that you were right about'... man.

and, 'you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event'.

i wish i'd written that line...

the second time wasn't nearly as hard. i didn't even cry...

there's just this feeling that follows me to bed after watching that. the first time, it was the saddest emptiness that i had felt in a long time.

this time, that feeling is here. a little less weepy than i went to bed the first time, but still.

sad. lonely. alone.

cold bed.


and tonight, all i can think about is that i wish i'd seen it that night. i wish i'd watched it before i went to the bar. i might not have gone to the bar, but if i had, i wouldn't have frozen.

maybe that boy tim was just a warmup exercise for something else.

i don't know. i can't say, because i can't change it or undo it.

but i feel like i'm armed with some new knowledge now, and i won't let it happen again...

paint chips. november 14th.

it was an intense weekend.

everything smells like paint. i have a headache. and i feel like i can taste it in my throat.

among other things, i am just about done with battlestar galactica. i watched the first half of the last season in a few days. pretty gross. and somehow pretty awesome.

it will be interesting to see if the spinoff is any good. i will take a break from this for a while though.

i've been overdosing on netflix. seriously. pee-wee's big adventure, one and a half seasons of battlestar, brick, wall-e, cloudy with a chance of meatballs... it's just crazy.

today i feel mostly hungover. i was supposed to have brunch with alice and felt too gross when i woke up.

what's funny is that i drank more water than i ever do, and only had three beers last night. i was totally fine to drive home, i even ate food late. still feel shitty.

i got a camera today. a 35mm from the 70's era of cameras, telephoto lens and filters and all. hopefully it wasn't a waste of money. i know it works, it's about using it. i am really going to have to get into fleisher's photography class. so i can learn how to use it.

i just want to create.

i talked to lauren about it last night when we went on a failed expedition to dance.

i have one place i like to go. every time i've gone, it's been insanely fun. but this girl, who i actually knew from the bbq, was friends with the dj and he let her play music for a while. and it SUCKED ASS. we had two beers there, and left. so disappointing, i can't even explain it well. i think we danced to maybe three songs.

i just had all this dancing energy saved up for months now, since summer. and i went. after waiting all day. and it was a total letdown. not to mention, there were maybe 15 guys and like 200 girls. so whatever. the pickings were slim. and none of them were cute. not even close.

so we went to another place i had heard was good, but had never gone to. and it was even worse.

so we left there without even having a drink.

and went to a good bar in the neighborhood. and had a beer. and i walked lauren almost home, and back to the car.

i got home around 2, was up until at least 330.

in talking to kit this week, i told her that i feel like i'm just killing time, waiting for something good to happen to me. waiting for something exciting.

and i put myself out there, and leave my comfort zone in an effort to achieve it. and i get nothing in return for my efforts, romantically speaking.

it's depressing, beyond already feeling depressed anyway.

it's good to hange out with friends, and make new ones, but...

luckily, i did manage to paint half of my apartment this weekend. the bathroom, the hall, and the kitchen.

it feels good to be productive. off my ass, out of bed.

but other than that, i don't have much to show for my weekend.

and i'm not even well rested, but i guess that my week was easy enough that it doesn't really matter to me so much.

on friday, i went to the bank. it turns out ever actually did something he said he would - he took me off the account, so i can't see the income and expenditures. i locked his account trying to sign into it with old passwords. there's no hope now.

and i got a copy of the letter that the lawyer sent him. saying, i sent this to you on two occasions. sign it or call me to discuss.

i had a bad dream about him last night, but i don't remember it now, because i didn't write it down.

it was a wash.

and now, more waiting.

eleven eleven is now in the past. and i just don't know what can happen next... i can't force anything. i won't.

and i'm tired of putting myself in places to try to make something possible.

i'm just sad.