the one where tea gets stood up. kindof. oct 31st, technically.


this feels a little too much like summer. when i came home defeated, after packing my car for an overnight.

i changed my sheets. i cleaned my apartment. i shaved. i clipped and painted my toenails so i wouldn't scratch him with my feet when we were spooning. and making out.

i had my eyes on the prize.

and just like summer, i should have fucking cashed in last night when the opportunity arose. and just like i did back when i had the chance, i hesitated for another opportunity.

i will never do that again. i can't take it. i beat myself up, and it's no fun.

i went to the bar. i didn't want to go late. so i went for the party. at 830 instead of 8.

and i had a beer.

and got hit on by some 40 year old black dude who swore i was shelly from 2 and chestnut.

he wasn't picking up my hints. he said i looked sad.

i told him i was just tired, and watching the game. world series.

and i told him i was waiting for a friend. he asked male or female. i said male.

he said that if he didn't show up, he'd be sitting a few seats away at the bar.

alas, there was no tim.

i drank my beer. went upstairs to the gutted shell of the second floor bar, celebrating the growth of my favorite bar, that will include a second floor.

they didn't advertise it, but there was free beer.

so i had one. and dude came up behind me and said, 'hey, butterfly.'

i said hi, and then went back downstairs for a second beer and some food, so i could clear the minimum and pay with my card.

i was trying not to watch the door. but i looked a few times.


got hit on by another dude, who said i should go upstairs for the free beer. another 40 year old black dude.

i guess i am a type?

then had a third guy (late thirties, white) tell me that i'd look great in my wings and nothing else.

so i fought the urge to get upset by it, because i was still holding out hope that my boy would show, and said, 'but what about the boots?'



and way to go, tea. that, too.

maybe someday i'll learn to appreciate these things.

but until that day, it seems i'll always want one specific dude's attention. and fuck every other guy that i have no interest in.

none of the other ones were even remotely cute.

i wanted time.

and i waited.

and he didn't show.

i should have had him over last night.

i should have made out with him while i had the chance. when he was sharing his food with me, and when i shared my food with him. while he was actively, drunkenly, engaged.

instead, i'm home completely drunk at 11. and there's no boy here with me.

sam did show up eventually. and she was a lot of fun. and shannon kept me company, too.

what does it say about me that all the girl bartenders at the bar were the extent of the conversation i had tonight?

oh, and? to top it all off... hot bartender was there. i think with his girl. yeah. he was clark kent. gucci glasses. superman tee hanging out of his dress shirt and dress pants. he looked so good. it was really unfair. and it made me feel pathetic, seeing if he at least saw me, out of the corner of my eye.


you know, it's fine.

this is why i'm doomed to lead a solo existence.

this is why i will be alone until february like i promised myself that i would.

because i spent all day not eating because i was so nervous about that boy showing up. and then he didn't. and got stupid drunk drinking beers faster than i should have to avoid further unwelcome conversation.

tim missed out.

i looked fucking adorable. i made sure of it.


maybe some day for hangover brunch i'll see him again. if he really goes there all the time like he said that he does, it's inevitable.

but i won't be a butterfly.

and i won't look as cute as i did tonight.

his loss, right? that's what i'm supposed to tell myself?

yeah. well, it doesn't make me feel any better about coming home alone.

all i wanted was to make out. and have this boy as my local fuck buddy after he put in one night where i didn't give it up to him so easily.

and it didn't happen.

not even close.

and i have the spins from the beer. and i missed alice's party and ash's party because i blew my wad all too soon at the bar five doors from my apartment.



i'll sleep this off, too. just like the rest of my life.

fuck all.

i'm OUT.

good night. october 30th, technically.

so i'm only writing this because i met a boy.

at favorite bar, where he also spends a lot of time. i don't remember ever seeing him there, though...

not much to say, really.

if my place wasn't such a mess, i could have invited him over, but i'm a chickenshit, so i wouldn't have anyways.

he's like intern v2.0.

same pennsylvania accent.

probably the same age. i'd guess 24.

we were laughing. i laughed to tears a few times.

it was random enough. went to the bar alone. only one seat was open, between two boys at the same end of the bar that was fantastic last weekend.

he was on the end, to my right.

he was there for the truffled mashed potatoes. i was there for a celebratory beer, because the wings are painted and FUCKING AWESOME.

i headed over at 1115.

he said something to me, i guess about the food. asked me what i was going to get.

and it ended up being a two hour conversation.

i went for one beer, and had an allagash white. which was fantastic, btw.

i ended up having a second.

what's funny is that he lives with sam's cousin.

we talked a lot about the phils. thank god i'm into them, and can hold my own when it comes to talking baseball now.

it was cute. i don't know. i can't stop smiling about it.

i felt really awkward being there alone. and it was such a relief to talk to someone that i didn't know, but got along well with. and he smokes, so we had a couple cigarettes together.

i don't know.

he was super cute.

i was pretty happy that he talked to me at all, much less cared about what i was saying, and matched it.

i don't want to make more out of it than it is, but i think it's pretty funny that i wrote something about a boy keeping me warm right before i left.

i don't know etiquette when it comes to talking to boys in bars and taking them home for a nice makeout session.

but i would have kissed him.

but i didn't.

and he knows i'll be there tomorrow, so i guess that if he goes, i'd better have a clean apartment. because there might just be a boy in it tomorrow.

and i wouldn't say that, but the way he looked at me when i said goodbye and gave him a hug ('i'm a hugger' preface) made me think he expected me to ask him over.

he was talking about all the broken bones he's had in his life, and when i told him about breaking my wrists in seventh grade, he asked if i needed a hug or something.

god, he was cute. i worried that i put my foot in my mouth when i commented on my 'baby sister' who is 21. like, oh shit... is HE 21? but he's out of college, and working as an e.r. tech. so he has to be at least 23, right?

god, this shit is nerve-wracking already. and this is only two hours in...

welcome to the water, i guess.

i'd be lying if i said that i didn't care if i see him there tomorrow.

i really kinda hope i see him there tomorrow. i won't drop the ball this time. i'll clean the place up.

but i might need some coaching.

heads up, kit.

dream, interrupted. october 29th.

maybe it was the four loko.

maybe it was the email back from intern saying he's thinking of going to that show.

but today when i woke up, i wanted desperately to go back to sleep and continue my dream where it left off.

i was dreaming i had a magic carpet. it was just big enough for me, not much space around me. and i tipped my head down, and it flew super fast. it is the first time that i think i have ever flown in my dreams. i'm okay with the fact that i was aided, not just my person flying around.

i don't know how, but i picked up intern, and told him to get on. there was no space beside me, and he hesitated. i told him he knew where he had to go, and he got on top of me, belly down for a flight. and in my dream, i felt his full weight on me, and let's just say that he was excited for the ride, and i was acutely aware of the fact.

the carpet was hesitant to move with both of us. after a few glitches, we were flying full speed. he was laughing.

we flew, i forget that part of the dream. we were at this mansion of a house, and we were just starting to kiss when i woke up.

i curse the people outside my apartment for making too much noise to sleep through at that point.

i was laying in bed, tossing, trying to fall asleep, but the day ahead of me was running through my mind. i don't look at the clock when possible, and i didn't then. and i was convinced that it was super early, because of how awful i felt.

but my alarm went off and i jumped out of bed, because it was set for 915, and i had no intentions of sleeping that late.

work was fun, despite being grueling. we dressed up for halloween, but i only got maybe a third of the way through my wings last night, so i didn't wear them. i settled for the shitty walmart wings to get me through my day. and my halfass antennae.

i walked to the bank at the end of my day, and ran into my 19 year old boyfriend from work. actually, he's probably 20 now, but regardless. completely inappropriate. he was walking his bike past the frat house row near campus, where he lives. he had talked about it a long time ago...

in any case, i came home and got into bed.

i felt pretty horrible at that point. i hadn't eaten anything, and it was 430.

laid in bed, watched some stuff and chatted nina up.

eventually, i got up to paint the black on the wings.

and when the bottom wings were complete, there was payoff.

they look awesome. seriously, the best.

i love them.

so now, i crack a beer at 8, and get back to the upper wings, which are about twice as big.

the excitement for how sweet my costume will be is going to have to fuel this.

after this can of loko, i will never touch the stuff again. it's entirely too serious, and i am convinced that the hangover from drinking half of one, plus sleep deprivation, is why i feel pretty shitty still.

it's making me think of gogol's 'tribal connection'.

at a point, eugene says, 'another night at home. all cozy and shit.'

only i'm not cozy. my apartment is cold, because this windy front blew in while my windows were open today.

my hands are numb. painting is going to be interesting.

and when i finish painting my wings, i might just go to the bar for a beer out, alone.

maybe it's partially because hot bartender will probably be working. but i didn't go out at all this week, so i feel entitled.

i am allowed.

at some point, i'll have to sleep. and at some point, hopefully more than eight hours after that, i'll wake up and have a pretty exciting day ahead of me.

i don't know what i'm doing yet. i need to see if i can take a train to ash's party. if so, then i have a pretty good idea of just how much fun my night will be tomorrow.

after the anniversary party at the bar.

this is going to be a pretty kickass halloween, despite the fact that, like everything else this week, i'm doing it alone.

walking to work today, i thought of something to add on to what i was writing last night about being a butterfly.

how cool would it have been to have gotten sheets of green tissue paper. to wrap myself up in it completely, and then rip through it to reveal my costume? pretty awesome. if i was in a contest, i'd do it.

now, back to my slightly warmer room, fueled by pbr, to finish what i started.

i'll glue tomorrow, if i can wait after finishing the painting tonight.

and i don't know why i'm just thinking of it now, but...

yesterday morning, walking to the car to go to work in the dark at 645, orion was high in the sky above my car.

it was foggy, very wet out. not yet cold.

and it hit me. this is fall. this is my time of year.

and now it's cold. and now i want someone to come over and warm me up.

chrysalis. october 28th.

so i learned a lot in the last few days. nights, really.

i'm having a hard time typing.

i got a little annoyed at hyperbole's post today, because it was a drunk post. about being drunk.

and now, i'm following suit. only fixing the typos as i go. and there have been about six so far. make that eight.

kim at work bought a four loko for me the other day. after numerous posts from the writer citing that he was working while drinking them, and a comment from aubree spotting one in lauren's going away party picture, i knew better than to drink it during the week.

basically, cram a six pack of beer and two cups of coffee into an oversized can, and you have four loko. i'm halfway into a can. i can't feel my lips. typing is next to impossible. yet painting butterfly wings is going swimmingly well.

i'm having a hard time negotiating the stencils on the wing, because there are two sets, plus an inverse of each. backwards. flip it. duplicate.

one coat of orange on all four lowers. that is where i am.

i realized tonight, inadvertently, that my halloween costume is all too appropriate. because i am, right now, stuck in my chrysalis. i've long since been a caterpillar. and i've been in this weird cocoon for a few months now.

i wish i could say that i've emerged, but i don't think i have. or will for a while yet.

but it's the potential i have, to become what i want to be, that is exciting and fitting.

so i draw, and cut, and paint.

nothing really has happened. i almost cried at work today because an old friend came by to visit at suck store.

his wife died suddenly this past easter. and he was so in love with her. he inadvertently asked how hubby was doing.

and i had to tell him.

because 'til death do we part' was so much a principal in his life, i really almost didn't tell him. but i did.

and i almost cried.

i don't really know why. but after we talked for a few minutes, i had to take a second to breathe.

i think it was that i was explaining how i want a family someday. probably a kid. and that i had to start over before i got any older if i want that to happen.

and he came back by after the conversation to tell me that it was really smart of me to think of that baby.

and i think that is what it was that got to me.

because, honestly? i don't know that it will happen for me. i feel like i might have just watched my window of opportunity pass me by, in hopes that a better, more reliable window might open.

i don't know. it just kinda hit me.

in the middle of my shift. just after lunch.

and i got past it, but not over it, and went about the remainder of my day.

i found cakewrecks today. and i'm glad for that. because i laughed all day. and then came back to it after that heavy shit, and laughed harder.

tonight, in the car, driving back from a trip to jersey (ugh!) to get kit's car out of the shop, i cracked up. remembering the night we went to madonna michael prince when i backed into a car at full speed.

i hadn't even had a beer yet. completely sober.

full speed.

laughing now again.

maybe you had to be there.

but i laughed some more after that, thinking about some of the cakes i saw today at work.


what a brilliant idea.

i need to get back to the costume. i'm fucking EXHAUSTED. and i don't feel like doing it at all. but i have to.

* * *

yeah. that was a fail of time management proportions.

all the orange is double coated.

of course, i had the 'this could have taken one hour' epiphany. and been much more realistic and pretty.

black posterboard with cutouts. orange tissue paper. word to the wise... do this instead.

it's one. i'm in a great deal of pain from being overly tired.

four loko was in fact loco.i could only drink half. i was shitty drunk after a third. then felt gross.

and stopped drinking.

now, a bowl of grits. and hopefully a lot of sleep. before another long day.

i work entirely too hard, and somehow i still spin my wheels.


maybe next year i'll give myself more time.

i could've been at favorite bar carving pumpkins. but i wasn't.

and in other news... intern is debating going.

and i feel like jim carrey in dumb and dumber...

'so you're telling me i have a chance.'

we shall see.

if he does go, this could be the most pretty halloween ever. i wouldn't mind watching him watch the band.

but that is neither here nor there. which is becoming an overused phrase lately.

yeah. i guess i'm still drunk. either that, or exhaustion mixed with last cigarette is having a profound effect on my equilibrium and everything that goes along with that...

goodnight. sleep tight.

don't let the butterflies fly.
biggest news this week is that ever paid the mortgage. which was a relief, but i don't know how he's going to pay the next one in a week. it shouldn't be my problem. but i'm not quite resting easy just yet.

aside from that, work continues to kill me.

even laying in bed on the weekends doesn't replenish my energy, so come tuesday, i'm tired. and by wednesday, today, i'm exhausted. thursdays are nearly impossible at suck store, and tomorrow will be worse because i'm preparing for a visit from kenna on monday.

and fridays are supposed to be a day that only lasts a few hours, but have been full days for the last few weeks.

i feel like i'll never catch a break. and it's scary because someone is going to get sick soon, and i don't even know what will happen.

so i asked intern if he was going to the show. and said that i might go.

it's the worst night for a show, saturday of halloween weekend. i already have the bar anniversary party and ash and dave's party invite. but i don't know if the train will take me there and back or not. so i have to figure that out first.

i know what i want to be for halloween, but don't know if i can put the costume together in time.

i got the idea one night, while watching a monarch butterfly documentary.

because really, they are pretty well dressed creatures.

i have the polka dot top. my lucky shirt.

and i need black tights, which are cheap and easy to get. and then i'd need maybe a little black skirt. which wouldn't be hard to make of felt, segmented, if i used the stitch witchery and my iron. i guess the female butterflies have longer segmented parts, and they look like they have tiny white lines on each segment.

a black headband would make for easy antennae.

and the wings would be the hardest part. it's the only thing i need to figure out how to make. posterboard is cheap and easy, but not durable. using coat hangers is also cheap and easy, but what would go over that?

i need to sort it out. i only have tomorrow, because we're all supposed to dress up for work on friday.

we'll see. i don't know if i have it in me to pull it off.

somehow kenna let me tell her when not to come here, and somehow she's coming at the worst possible time because of end of month.


aside from work shit and halloween shit and ever mortgage shit, i don't have much to write about, which is why i haven't been writing.

i've been making the comics, framing out posts. so far, i have five. i want to start number six. but the one i want to do is really really long, and i think it wouldn't be as interesting as the others. i am contemplating doing the factory settings post.

i have done wild blue, sad sack, night cut short, cupid, and olfactory.

nothing else stands out to me, but it's because i haven't felt like re-reading lately. i feel like i'm doing alright with everything by just ignoring my problems and not dealing with them. rehashing might stress me out and bring it all back. but i do want to work things out.

i know that i want to do one from this summer. but i don't know which one. maybe that's what i'll do tonight.

kit said she started doing sketches this weekend. i don't know how i haven't seen them yet, but i'm really excited.

nina's up to her eyeballs in her magazine deadline right now, but i have a couple of ideas about how to make this a collaborative effort.

i think i need to assign someone to draw each character. in addition to me, ever, nina, kit, coffee, nate, and the writer are in the posts so far. and i really really suck at drawing people convincingly.

still brainstorming it.

i still need a sketchbook myself.

last night was awful.

i drank coffee too late yesterday, and i was up until at least 2, with the lights out and everything off. tossing and turning.

and woke up at maybe six. tossing and turning until i got up for work.

now tomorrow, i'm up at 545 yet again.

this shit is for the birds.

i'm going to watch something to lull me to sleep. sorry for the pointless post.

inspired. october 24th.

so this weekend was hard in some ways. but rewarding because of it.

so we saw 'it's kindof a funny story'. i'm not really a preview person, but we caught a cab to get to the movie on time and ended up seeing them.

there was this preview for this movie 'the freebie'. dax shephard is in it, who i don't think anything of because of 'baby mama'. but this one looks interesting. it's about a couple who is married, who decide that it would be okay to have a one night stand with someone. and it's something i've thought about and talked about with people before. and it looks like it would be heartbreakingly awesome.

but seeing 'funny story' was not what i expected. i guess i thought we were seeing due date, and was expecting a funnier movie. but it was pretty heavy. and after the other day when i felt like i should check myself into a hospital somewhere, combined with lines and images i could relate to a little too well, made it hard to watch.

i don't want to say much about the storyline, but being where i am right now, and feeling the way i feel right now, it made me wonder if going away for a five day stint would help me at all.

i decided that, as of right now, i'll be okay. but if ever keeps up this bullshit, i can't say that will remain to be true. he makes me feel crazier than i already feel.

the soundtrack was amazing. broken social scene had a lot to do with it. but there's a part where the xx is playing that might have been my favorite part of the movie.

and the artwork inspired me to make art. which i'd already been thinking about.

so it was natural to really dig into the comics of the blog. i have two posts completely framed out, broken up, and i have a lot of ideas how to illustrate them. as i was breaking up the text, the images were obvious to me. but i don't know that i can draw them. at least now they're framed. i started with olfactory, as i had planned. and then cupid, as i had also planned. i will do a few more, and try my best to pick up a sketch book this week.

i realized yesterday that i don't have any regular sized sketch pads. they're all the huge ones from drawing classes at fleisher. so it encouraged me to do the layouts.

i found a program online to download. it says it's a trial, and that you can buy it for $25. i haven't closed it out, so i don't know what the deal is with the trial. hopefully i can do what i need to do with it and not run into problems later. and if i do? it's pretty cheap...

after the movie, it was still early on friday, maybe 9. and i wanted to go to the bar, not home. i just knew that i would be too sad if i was alone. so kit decided to join me. and it was the most fun i've had there, ever.

we sat at the end of the bar, where all the servers/bartenders hang out, and we heard so much funny drunken gossip. and everyone was i a good mood, so jokes were being cracked left and right.

it felt good to feel like something other than a thirsty and hungry customer, i guess.

i came home after two beers. i hadn't eaten dinner, so i was a little silly and cut myself off.

i spent most of yesterday doing comics while listening to episodes of the universe in the background. i've now seen and listened to about five episodes. they are really fascinating, and i like that i'm learning and getting my mind blown all at the same time. and creating something, too. i need a healthy hobby, and getting back to art even though i'm both afraid of it and intimidated by it is pretty exciting.

i was killing time until the phils game out with lauren.

i was bummed, because it was supposed to be an early game, and then got switched to a late game.

and because i have been pushing myself lately, i took the train alone. i realize that when i'm going out, i rarely go out alone. and i certainly don't ride the train alone at night to a part of town that i get turned around in easily.

luckily kit and i had taken the route last week, or i might have struggled a little with it.

i started to feel a little panicky, and super nervous for some reason, when i was heading to the train. i didn't want to get caught in the waiting underground due to the direction of traffic away from the stadiums. so i just walked halfway there. all the way to city hall, which took about thirty minutes i guess. and hopped the train to the northeast.

without incident. so it was good to be nervous, and do it anyways, and have it work. and not worry about driving after four or five hours of drinking and stressing over the game that they eventually lost.

i'd missed the last train home, so i had to catch a cab.

i took more cabs this weekend than i have in the last three months. which was only two. but until a few months ago, i'd only taken one once since i lived here.

i'm just too cheap. and i have more time than money most of the time.

i had a great time with lauren. i'm glad i haven't completely lost my ability to make new friends. for a long time with ever, i couldn't. every time i'd meet someone i cared to spend any amount of time with, i'd flake on them repeatedly. and just not be a good friend, in general.

when i met kit, she made me want to be a better friend. and i've worked on myself a lot through my relationship with her.

and meeting a new person who is awesome is great. we spent chunks of time before the game and during commercials getting to know each other, and catching up on our weeks.

and cheered our asses off.

and drank a lot of beer. and ate some naughty bar food, too.

i chatted with nina when i got home around one. how i had five beers and was surrounded by so many of my 'dominant type' boys and didn't even say hi to a single one is beyond me.

i think i'm still afraid of ever, deep down inside.

and i think i just won't have the balls or confidence to make moves on any boys here ever. i think i won't get those things until i'm home again.

i wish i could figure out why. i mean, it's definitely about who could be around. who might see me. who someone might know or be linked to, in a six degrees of separation kindof a way.

i know that when i was walking last night to city hall, i passed a girl on the sidewalk. and she was walking towards me, so i saw her from a block off. and she had dreads, and from that far away, she looked like ever's roommate. and i instantly panicked, despite being alone and sober. it is just a reaction. i want it to go away. and i shook my head at myself when i got a little closer, because she looked nothing like her. and thought about why my reaction was to panic.

am i afraid to get my ass kicked? maybe. with her specifically, probably.

but i don't know, beyond that. i just want to be invisible. and walking down the street in a bright red peacoat is no way to dress when you want to be invisible.

so the loss of the game sucked all the energy and excitement right out of the bar. as soon as the last pitch was thrown, someone yelled 'turn it off!' when the giants started to celebrate going to the world series.

and i cracked up because the channel was already being changed as it happened. and they turned on 'everybody loves raymond'. what a funny thing to see in a bar. i guess it took a minute to figure out what to put on. it must have been on the next channel.

so we settled up and walked. i hopped the cab after debate about more drinking and dancing. as per the usual, when i'm out on saturday night, i never feel like going. but all week, and even friday night, i wanted to go. too much beer and too much disappointment. so i just went home.

my cab driver was hilarious. he was talking to me the entire way home, which is unusual. all about the fucking phillies and these fucking guys and the fucking eagles.

it was really odd. he was maybe greek, and probably 55. wearing a plaid shirt and a sweater vest. just a really interesting combination all the way around.

but i made it, into bed, and woke up late.

actually pretty hungover. but it wore off quickly with coffee.

so landlord is finally replacing my refrigerator. and giving me lots of paint and supplies. if i don't have to move back into the house, i'll paint the whole place. which will be so much better. it needs it. bad.

i got the feeling that he was probably trying to get my rent check early. i always pay when i get paid on the 20th, but last month and this month held the check because i was annoyed with him. i didn't give it to him.

but i cleaned up my cigarette butts from the stoop in an effort to repay his efforts. after cleaning up the apartment and doing all my laundry, linens included. it felt good to have a totally clean place for the majority of the day. to patter around barefoot and smell swiffer. and clean laundry.

i bought some detergent i'd never used before. kit tells me i use entirely too much soap when i do laundry, which is true. i use at least four times the recommended amount because i can't use softener sheets but want my clothes to smell good. i was pleasantly surprised at how lovely everything smells. there's nothing like it.

coffee just posted to facebook the funniest status ever. about picking up his dog's poop and never realizing how much she poops. so i guess they made it.

they're in chicago. without green grass and humidity. without upper 80s today. one big happy family. i'm trying to snuff out my jealousy. i mean, my non-existent jealousy because i don't want him at all. maybe sadness is the better word.

well, back to it. something to watch before sleep early. getting up tomorrow is going to suck, but the week will go by quickly, so there's that...

here's to hoping it's better than last week.

i lied. i need one more cigarette.

this is the part of my sunday that sucks terribly. being wide awake, as i should be, at 9 pm. with the alarm set to go off in eight hours.

hungry enough to want food that will wake me up further.

none of it good.

i have this need to ask intern to a show next saturday.

and it makes me want to crash diet this week. salads and meat. it's pretty terrible when atkins crash diet is more healthy than what i eat normally.

i don't do crazy fats, like they suggest.

but this weekend, let's see...

friday night, popcorn with extra butter at the movies. two beers.

stomachache. can't go to the movies and not get one.

saturday, nachos and taco salad for lunch. deep fried pretzels and french fries for dinner. i think five beers over the course of the night.

sunday, pizza and fries for lunch. two beers.

this is a problem.

and i wish i could find balance with it, but i cannot. it's all or nothing with me.

i'm going to have to find motivation from somewhere, because my florida clothes keep getting tighter and tighter, and i now have three pair of pants that i can't wear.

man i wish i had a job where i could call in sick and just do the work the next day. like an office job.

i talked to mom today. it was the first time she mentioned aubree at length. so that made me happy. even though it's not like it was, it's forward progress.

and we talked about my ghost a little. shockingly, it was why she called. she had a youth group with high school girls, and i guess she's using his story to show that sometimes your friends aren't your friends. and that what you don't know can kill you.

and then talked a little about my coming home. and how i don't know what kenna will do.

i mentioned my obsession with google analytics before. and i anonymously follow blogs that can be traced to me, except for the writer, because it feels safe. and he is my only follower. but somehow a bunch of people in virginia have found my blog and keep coming back to it.

i wonder what people who don't know me think when they read this thing. or why they would keep up with my miserable life. unless it's like watching an accident.

in any case, i'm grateful to feel like i have more readers.

it's like an imaginary support group.

maybe they're as sad and lost as i am.

maybe they're going through something similar.

in any case, as always, thanks for reading.

i'll try to post something worth reading...