mourning. january 28th.

it's a good thing there's a lot of stand up comedy in my netflix queue.

because last night and today have been really sad.

it's a coctail spiked with packing tape and broken contracts. i'm moving backward to move forward.

ever was quick to say that he is hesitant to enter a third contract with me in an email, because i've now broken the contract of our marriage, and the home, and now add to the pile a lease with landlord.

i should be ecstatic. landlord didn't flip out like i thought he would. in fact, he was sweet. helpful even. and without asking about security deposit and last month's rent, he let me know march would be last month's rent and that i'd get my deposit back.

i was so afraid to open that email. and then i was shaking my head.

i suppose i'm a dealbreaker. but i'm okay with it. i'm reacting to other deals being broken.

anyway, since i got the email back from landlord, now i'm sad because of it.

i guess i expected a fight from him. and when i didn't meet up with that, i realized, 'holy fucking SHIT. i'm moving.'

everybody? back into the house...

i'm moving. the whole time i've been in this shitty apartment, sad about being stuck in my lease. but it was a fair trade for being in this neighborhood. being five doors down from my home away from home - favorite bar. being two blocks down and two blocks over from kit.

what the fuck am i going to do? banished to the badlands on the other side of south phila.

no favorite bar. no neighbors. no friends.

a neighborhood i wouldn't choose to walk around in alone at night. it wasn't so bad with ever in the picture. but now? not cool.

back into the house. i just... i'm at a loss.

i know this is what i have to do. and i said a couple times yesterday that i just have to keep my eye on the prize. it's not easy money. but it's going to be fast. six months is nothing.

i guess the problem is that, the past six months, i kept telling myself 'just make it to may'. and now, 'just wait til october'.

and getting excited about another summer floating in a pool, detoxing from ever. detoxing from divorce. detoxing from retreating home.

and overnight, a whole new set of timelines has been created. and nothing looks like what it looked like two weeks ago.

and it depresses me.

but there's no sense in getting sad about it. i'm doing what i have to do, and i don't want it to be miserable.

i hope it feels good to work on the house.

because my family is waiting patiently. and last night, dad went on this whole tangent about putting up a wall and painting for like ten minutes.

and i stopped him, and said, 'i don't want to get on the house fixing tangent right now. i have to take this one step at a time, and first i have to get out of here and into the house. and then i have to figure out how to pay for it. and then how to pay to fix it.'

the problem with waiting is that all the money i need right now will be tied up in the house for a long time.

realizing that, and the fact that i'm going to have to go deeper into debt to get out is scary. i'm already maxed out and broke as shit. i have no credit, can't get more because ever is ruining mine. i have to make my top priority fixing it once everything is signed.

and all of this hinges on ever agreeing to my deal. and it's a toss up. to me, i can't imagine him turning it down. but the flip side is, he said 12k because that would fix him up. and without having that much to give him, i don't know that he'll take it.

and i guess at some point in the day yesterday, i realized that i'm about to leave my therapist. and this city. and the seasons. i'm losing kit, and lauren, and alice, the people here who have kept me sane the last eleven months.

so here i am, again, mourning losses.

and this is where i take a note from brownies, and do some affirmations to turn it around on myself:

i'm gaining freedom.
i'm gaining good credit.
i'm gaining single-dom.
i'm gaining control over my situation.
i'm gaining a place that i can fix and have it affect me.
i'm gaining a paycheck for three extra months.
i'm gaining insurance for three extra months.
i'm gaining my therapist for three extra months.
i'm gaining a life less full of reminders of all the mistakes i made.

and also, yesterday, i realized in chatting with nina, that i have now been alone for two weeks shy of a year.

i did what i set out to do eleven and a half months ago. i didn't cave. i don't know how. i didn't go on a single date. i had a tiny dose of sex. i didn't fall for the wrong boy, because i didn't fall for any boy.

i cannot believe that i did it. really, truly.

and because i did, now the punishment is over, and i can have some FUN. another week will hopefully mean the signing of the papers. and the opening of an online dating account.

i have my work cut out for me, in so many ways. it's a good thing that i like to be busy. to make the time go by faster.

and because i wrote the word 'punishment', let me take a minute to talk about something crazy that happened today.

that trial that i had to testify for? today, she started serving her sentence.

it's crazy. i thought this day would never come.

in talking to the d.a., who is a seriously kickass dude, he told me all about his day in court today. he read the letter she wrote to the judge, talked about what the judge had to say about it. what she had to say in court for herself.

because she is psychotic, and takes zero responsibility for what she did, everything was all about being with her family.

the crazy bitch had another baby. she was pregnant, maybe eight months, at the preliminary hearing. obviously, she'd already been arrested. and despite knowing she had been caught, she still thought she'd get away with it.

and i have an idea that i know what she was thinking. she thought that showing up huge pregnant would be a get out of jail free card. off the hook, no problem.

and when she didn't? she thought having a newborn during the trial would get her off the hook.

and when she was found guilty? she thought getting pregnant and having another baby would get her out of hard time. and she filed her appeal to drag it out even longer, pushed out another baby, and went to court today, begging for mercy. she literally wrote that out. dear judge, i'm begging you for mercy. i have a new baby and a toddler, and i am breastfeeding. my husband can't take care of our kids without me. please let me stay with my family. let me serve my time through work release so i can repay my debt.

this, after already pleading with him when she was found guilty and denied house arrest. and being told no.

another baby.

and what's more? she apologized. but not for what she did. she apologized for getting caught. i'm sorry for the outcome of the trial. are you insane? you put all the money in your checking account. how dumb do you think people are?

in any case, she went in today. alone. her husband wasn't there. again, i know what she was thinking. i have a newborn. surely they won't put me away. especially not today.

but sure as shit, they did.

walked her behind the wall. interesting thing about courtrooms. i don't know if this is the case everywhere, because i'd never been in a courtroom until phila. once for jury duty, but i was dismissed.

the courtroom walls are paneled. and appear seamless. but if you sit in the courtroom and see either the defendant come in, in handcuffs, or the convict go out, in handcuffs, the wall swings open, and there's a whole maze behind it.

today, she went behind the wall.

it's going to be a long seven to twenty three months.

compared to her sentence, my eight months looks like a cakewalk.

tundra. january 27th.

well, the mortgage is paid.

because i paid it.

last night was that old familiar freezing technique. the one where i read an email from ever, and completely freeze up because i'm overwhelmed by the decisions i need to make and how stressful the whole situation is.

and we got this insane storm last night. yesterday morning, i had to scrape a few inches of snow off my car to go to suck store. which was fine. not a big deal. then it rained all day long.

then at about 5, i guess, ice started falling from the sky. heavy. cute little clear pellets that looked like the ice from a slush puppy, for those of you who grew up with them, like i did. that went on for over an hour. i would bet there was about a one inch layer of ice. then it started to mix with snow. and then, around 8 maybe, it switched to snow. and dumped and dumped.

today should be a snow day. the buses aren't running. but ivy league schools don't shut down for a lame foot of snow. it requires much more than that. i walked in. it was pretty, but a lot of work, because the majority of the sidewalks weren't shoveled. it was kindof like running on the beach.

so. last night.

i called my dad when i saw the email from ever. actually, i started to write him back. i mean, i did. but saved it as a draft. the problem was that i got it at the end of my shift at suck store.

and it made me react immediately. not that it was so over the top. but suddenly, the wait for the response was over, and that meant that i had to react. and think about my next step.

he mentioned some things i hadn't thought about yet. and also brought up things i'd been thinking of and avoiding.

so. first, he wants $12k.

now i know, just like i did, that he's putting a huge number out there. and he probably knows that he'll be lucky if i counter his counter with half of that.

saying as initially i thought he'd want 20k or 30k, i was impressed at his sensibility, all things considered.

the problems were related to the rest of the email. he brought up taking the utilities out of his name and the roommates putting it in theirs.

my problem is that i don't want to live with people. i don't want to live with two boys that i don't know regardless.

if i lived with someone, it would be someone i know. and i really really don't want to do that. in a couple months, i should have recovered from paying mortgage and rent, and should be able to live on my own.

the problem my dad brought up is that, because of our tax deduction, the house has to be our primary residence.

when ever leaves it, it means that i have to live there. legally. technically. so i don't get jailed for tax fraud.

it means that i have to have everything in my name. and i can't have the apartment.

it means that i have to email landlord.

i'll do that now:

dear landlord,

i just wanted to give you a heads up. i'm going to need the grace period this month.

my husband hasn't made a mortgage payment in sixty days, despite living in the house we co-own.

to avoid losing my house to foreclosure in two days, i had to pay the mortgage today.

i get paid on february 4th, and will be able to pay my rent in full at that time.

i also would like, at this time, to request permission to sublet my apartment.

in light of the current situation with the house i own, and in light of the recent texts i've received from you stating your dissatisfaction with my tenancy, i only see more problems in the future if i stay in this apartment, personal and financial.

please let me know what needs to happen as far as the sublet is concerned. obviously i'm prepared for the apartment to be shown, and i'm willing to place the ad and show the apartment if that is how a sublet works through you.

if i am able to borrow money from my family, i will pay rent before the 4th.

alright. that's better. probably needs a little help with the wording, but otherwise, i think it makes the point.

next, the email back to ever:

i don't expect you to pay me. i was just letting you know, on paper, what the deal is. and that anything i hand over, on top of that, is a favor.

money for my parents is not figured into the number at all. you mentioned it, so i wanted to clarify that no money is deducted for my parents.

$235k is the number we will use, since sarah agrees that is most likely what it would go for today. and since the door isn't in, we can't use the higher number.

let's settle the details of these matters without going to court, so you can go home to visit amanda.

i assumed you wouldn't get the check in time, so i will have to borrow money to cover the mortgage payment for december. it was already on the sheet as a deduction.

i understand the need to be able to go home as well and the desire to start over here, with money in hand.

please plan to be out of the house by the end of february, that is how the agreement will be drafted. i know it will take time to figure out things on your end.

i would also like to tell you that if you need the puppy to stay at the house temporarily, she can.

because you don't have the money to cover december right now, i would greatly appreciate if you paid january as soon as you get paid. and february with the rent you're about to collect. i paid the december mortgage and it is deducted from the amount i'm countering with.

my final offer, in an effort to end this quickly, is $7k.

you would get half when you sign everything, and the other half once you are completely moved out the end of february. i will gave lawyer the check for the other half of the money, so you don't worry about not getting it.

i'm going to have to talk to the tenants you have in the house already. i'll arrange a time with you to do that, so you can communicate it to them. as far as utilities go, they're going to have to be in my name.

part of the stipulation of the tax refund on the house is that it must be the primary residence. since you are moving out, it means that i have to move in. and if utilities are switched out of your name, they'll have to go into mine.

that can take effect on march 1st.

there is way too much to do to the house to sell it now, which is why i have to buy you out and handle it myself. there will be no figuring out regarding rent. you'll accept february rent and pay the mortgage, and i'll figure out what to do in march. it won't be your problem then.


so that's a pretty good day's work.

i talked to my parents.

the money to buy him out is available now.

and i'm going to have to keep the roommates.

for financial peace of mind.

tough pill to swallow.

i hope they're nice. and clean.

that's a wrap. january 25th.

going to the shrink was the best possible way to start my day.

it minimized the time i mentally obsessed over ever's sister last night.

and what we came up with is the following:

i decided that it's not okay to be his emotional dumping ground.

maybe he feels like he has no one else to talk to. but that is because he has not tried to find anyone else to talk to. he hasn't found a girlfriend or a shrink or a friend since i have been away.

he has made the choices that have led him to this point. he has chosen not to work. if he worked, he could get insurance that way. he's getting denied because he's trying to get it without employment.

he's in his financial situation because he won't work. and it's affecting my life. the one i've made for myself since i decided to stop supporting him. and now i'm going to have to support him again. or clean up his financial mess, rather.

he scavenges food by choice. these are all his choices, not mine.

he's in his health situation because he has not taken care of his body since he was 15 and living in the krishna temple. if you know you have a short life expectancy and need surgery, you quit smoking and start working to get insurance.

i gave him several chances to talk to me before now, and it is okay for me to deny him now, at the end, and not let him remain tethered to me. kim at work today said, 'cut the apron strings'. i don't know that saying, but it's kindof like kit coining 'off the tit' a long time ago. weaning him off.

she also said that i was doing much better before i let him interact with me. that it was good to have a wall up against him, because he is bad for my head.

she said more than once, 'this dynamic is why your marriage didn't work'. referring to him dumping his problems on me, but that i don't reciprocate.

instead, i have taken steps to create a network of people around me, a support system. and i'm not supposed to feel guilty about his decision to not act in the same way. and it's completely inappropriate for him to think he can confide this stuff with me.

if he had tried, if he had gotten a job, if he had helped around the house, if he had treated me like his wife, then these would be my problems and i would be his wife, and this would be my life. but he didn't.

and now it doesn't make me a bad person to continue to say 'these are not my problems'. and i'm the only person who understands. it's because he made it that way.

it's too bad he didn't call me before i came to my senses this morning. because i gave him three days to. and the fact that he didn't, whatever excuse it is with him, is his own fault. and now he is cut off.

eventually i'll start to feel the old feelings again. the ones where i stayed mad at him for being lazy and unmotivated and a jackass. eventually, i'll not feel like a horrible person for not being there for him right now.

because you know what? when i came crying to him, on so many occasions, and he didn't listen and didn't act on it, this is what he gets in return now. he had every chance to help me then. and he didn't. so now, i have a chance to help him. and i cannot. because it is detrimental to my 'recovery' from him.

she didn't say this, but i think that making him feel like i am there for him probably also gives him a false sense of hope that we could work things out or something. after this past week of the calls and the texting, i feel like he hasn't let go of me. i didn't have a clue until he started being clingy, as loosely as that can be used. daily texts and daily calls and daily emails.

it's just strange.

and he is going to have to move on without me. she said that by letting him use me in this way, i'm actually doing him a disservice, because i'm enabling him again, in a different way. i'm letting him get away with not building something apart from me. and because i know that i want nothing to do with him after this phase is finally over, it is almost like letting him think that we're going somewhere, when we really are not.

i can't be his friend.

as she pointed out, there's no middle ground with him. it's all or nothing. and it's high drama vs silence. so i have to check out.

he's going to continually re-realize what he lost when he lost me. and that, in a way, is the karma for what he did (or didn't) do to me. he's going to be reminded of all the things i did for him.

i cannot take care of him anymore. i don't want to. and it sucks that things are this extreme, but this is all part of that decision. i can't pick and choose. 'well, i'll be there for you if someone dies, but not on a daily basis'. that's not how it's going to work.

she was right to apologize for sounding callous a few times. but the bottom line is, if i was going through what he is, he would be the LAST person i would talk to about it. i'd use about ten other people before i got to the bottom of the list. and then still try to go lower before using him. her being callous is what helps me to see past the shit he intentionally stirs up in my head, trying to draw out my inner caregiver. he is completely aware that i'm an empath. and he is actively using it now against me, and causing me harm. even if it's all in my head and my heart.

and that is the point, i guess. he is starting with me at the top of the list. things get super shitty, and i'm his number one? it seems impossible, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense to be anything different. and if i'm his number five, then no problem. now that i have told him i'm not going to talk to him on the phone, he has all the people ahead of me to tell that i'm a total dick, and then follow with his emotional dumping. better them than me. i have had a lifetime's worth.

i'm not a one way street. and i'm not going to let him tug on my heartstrings any more.

yeah, i pity him. his life right now, if it was mine, would feel nearly unbearable. but it is no longer my problem.

he has nothing to offer me but pain and trouble and more heartache. and, thanks, ever, but no thanks. i'm all good on that. enough of that for eternity.

i liked it better when i worried about my life and my problems. the way she put it today, being one person is hard enough. dealing with one person's stress and anxiety is more than enough.

and it's not possible to be two people, to bear the weight and burden of a whole other person. that's what i did my entire marriage. even before that. his sobriety was my problem. his history was my problem. his fucked up family was my problem.

and now, my life is stressful enough, without him adding to it. again: why i left him.

i've done a great job of rebuilding my own life. it took a lot of work and a lot of determination. and it has really not been easy. but i have done it. and i'm too far along now to backslide to the place i was ten months ago. which was taking care of him instead of me, and fixing his problems instead of my own.

i had an amazing dinner with lauren last night. and because it was a lot of talk about each of our own issues and stories, i can't share much of that here. but it was so nice to have someone coming from a long term relationship to bounce words off of. easy stuff, hard stuff, light stuff, dark stuff. to feel like someone really gets it. the intricate parts. the parts that people don't talk about. and all those stupid emotions that make a big mess of what should be blatantly obvious.

when i left dinner, i felt pretty good. definitely better than when i went there. and then got that text from him about amanda.

tonight i'm actually excited.

somehow, my brain is through the cloud of the last week and a half of him. and i'm excited because i've been scheming with aubree.

because it appears that i won't be home the beginning of the summer, but the end, and because it looks like i'll be in the house by myself sooner than i am mentally prepared for, she wants to get her internship up here. to graduate in august after spending a summer here, doing what she has to do. living in the house with me. and just being here.

it sounds pretty awesome. it will take some serious help to make this summer here tolerable when i thought i would be out of here by then. if anyone can make it happen, it's aubree.

i will spend my day tomorrow trying to find a spot for her.

and cross my fingers for a super fun summer...

another day, another crisis. jan 24th.

after a very quiet and lonely, yet stressful, weekend, today seemed like it would be one day closer to feeling better.

after ever's saturday night text to talk, i expected to hear from him, but didn't.

which was fine. but it did make me worry and wonder what he could want to talk about.

so today at work, when i got a text from him asking to talk tonight, i said that i'd call him after work. like saturday, it made me instantaneously nauseous. super nervous.

and i did call him.

on my way to dinner with lauren. and again while i smoked between beer numbers two and three.

and he didn't answer.

so, in an effort to take some control back over the situation, i texted him that i'd called him three times, and that he could just email me about whatever he wanted to talk about.

because i was done. i didn't say that part. but part of me felt like he was trying to see if i was out or going out. to see if i was busy or available.

and, unfortunately for him, every time i try to put my foot down and take control, things in his life have a way of spiraling out of control.

today's crisis was that, between the time he texted me, and while i was out to dinner, his sister tried to commit suicide.

i have been in this state of fishtailing since the news that he has been given a life expectancy of less than a decade. i can't call it a tailspin, because the gravity of the situation hasn't really hit me yet. and i'm trying to feel something, anything, really, for him in light of this.

and imagine my shock when his response to my putting-my-foot-down text was to tell me that he meant to get the email to me today with his counter offer, but that amanda tried to commit suicide, and that he's been on the phone with his family all afternoon and evening.

so i did what was reflexive. i said not to worry about it. and jesus christ. and i'm sorry.

the history is this.

his sister is mentally unwell. she had a mental break a few years ago. maybe only two. she had been abusing methadone for years, taking the pill form, thanks to going to a few different doctors and getting a few different prescriptions filled through a few different pharmacies. junkies are crafty like that. they can't get a job or do anything productive in society, but they can find ways to beat the system and not get caught. for years.

so she had been strung out on methadone for a long time. take into account that she shot ever up the first time he used heroin, and the fact that he was on methadone (the variety that is mixed with kool aid and handed out in dixie cups) at the local clinic when i met him. daily doses, to keep himself clean from the more dangerous cousin. he'd only had the ability to kick methadone once i was in his life.

so she is trouble, despite the fact that i don't think she ever shot up heroin. but i could be wrong about that.

and the entire time we dated, she never included me or made me feel like she gave a flying fuck about me. in fact, she made a point to be mean to me and exclude me. and the day we were married, the wedding was postponed half an hour because she left late and got stuck in traffic, and we couldn't start it without her.

but when she had that mental break, it came on the heels of getting busted by ever's mom. she'd broken up with her boyfriend of probably ten years. when her addiction became more than he was willing to put up with. and she had started to lose her mind. so mom went to move her out of the place they were living. and tucked in every possible nook and cranny were shoeboxes and bags upon bags and boxes of empty methadone pill bottles.

her mind was already slipping from her grip, and when he broke up with her, i think part of her never came back from that. he'd been a constant. and he was out of her life.

so i guess that was when mom realized there was a problem. all those empty bottles spoke the damage she'd been doing to her body, but also shed a light on the kid who kept every empty pill bottle and hid them everywhere like a child.

one day after that, she was living with mom and they went somewhere in the car. and she found amanda playing games kids play at five, like hide and seek, in the car. she is my age, at the time probably 30 or 31.

and she had essentially reverted back to age 5 amanda. and so mom packed her up and took her to the hospital, and come to find out, she was in the middle of a full-on mental break.

she would never be the same, they told mom.

the time she'd been living at mom's had been trying, for both of them. she wasn't accustomed to having someone else giving her rules to live by, and being back at home in general was stressful for both of them.

so she went away and was in the mental ward for a couple weeks, if i'm remembering correctly. ever didn't go home, because that's what he does, or doesn't do, and she was catatonic for a few days.

and a vegetarian of ten years, when she became coherent, and the doctors asked her what she wanted to eat, she asked mom to bring her a blt from subway.

it was surreal. ever talked to her while she was there. she made no sense, but he did his best to tell her that he loved her. and called most days until she was home again.

she'd never fully recovered from the death of their adopted sister, brandy.

i think she was their cousin, both parents were abusive, and mom took her in. at fifteen, she was sent to rehab (the whole family consists of addicts for the most part). she'd been sent for pot. which is a very strange thing to go to rehab for, in my opinion.

but she'd been sent away, against her will, probably to prevent the same addictions that ever and amanda had come to develop in their own lives. and one night, late, she ran away from rehab.

and she was hit by a car and killed upon impact. it was a hit and run, so nothing ever came, closure-wise, and she was buried during one of the days when the entire state of florida was on fire. it was when i was 21, if i remember correctly.

and ever never stopped associating the smell of forest fires with brandy's funeral. it still haunts him.

but she was the sweet and lively sister. and her death just about killed all of them.

so amanda had been carrying this around, untended to, for all those years, maybe eight, and had the breakdown. and eventually came home from the hospital, broken. permanently.

and though the jig was up with the pills, i don't put it past her to have reclaimed an addiction, though i never heard about that. last i heard, enough years had passed since her third dui to be able to get a substitute teaching license. and she was doing well for herself. she left mom's for grandma's. and re-entered the work force.

she didn't work for a long time after leaving the hospital and her relationship with mom was too volatile for them to live together, so her role there was to take care of grandpa while he was getting more and more ill with alzheimer's. to help grandma with the housework. and when grandpa died last easter, she stayed with grandma, as far as i know. and helped her to be less lonely.

and when grandma was buried on saturday, i guess things became too much for her to bear.

and today, i don't know what she did, but she tried to escape in a very permanent way.

that's ever's story. there's a lot more to it than that. but that's the darkest of the dark shit.

and that's why i struggle with leaving him alone to deal with all of these things. in this one terrible horrible fucking unBELIEVABLE week of his life. this past week, up to and including today.

what am i supposed to do?

is it wrong to think of my shrink as a hero? because tomorrow's session can't get here fucking fast enough right now.

i have a heart. i can't help feeling something right now. i don't know how to put words and descriptions on what this even feels like, or is.

but what i know, for certain, is that tomorrow's entire session will be devoted to ever. and a year after i started going to her, and working on myself, that will be the first time that will happen.

and i bet that, also for the first time, i will probably have a good cry there. i mean, i've choked up a couple times. and started to cry once. but i've never had a solid cry where i stopped talking. to just let it out. and maybe that's why i feel so quiet and calm right now.

because tomorrow will suck. i will do a lot of work there tomorrow.

i'm missing the first part of my day at work to go. and i thought i'd lose it today when i thought i had to cancel. but luckily i realized that i could go in the morning, and switch, when i set the appointment.

and even though the only other time i went before work set me on a strange course for the day, it is better than not dealing and not thinking and not crying.

how do i walk the line between 'not my problem' and 'could be my problem if i'd stayed'?

my biggest problem coming from this weekend was rushing through a winter mix in an effort to get the copies in the mail, and not going to kit's to bake in her working oven.

seriously. i was actually upset about both things.

what's fucking with me the most right now is that i was afraid when i left him that he was going to die. and she put those fears to rest. and really, he proved me wrong, when he lived and turned into a major dick after that. that he was trying to prove something to me, in a way, by taking care of himself and the puppy and the house. to show me that i was wrong about him. of course, after the last time i saw him there, it all went to hell again. but he stayed alive.

and that, after the email on saturday, he is going to die. and it will be without me. and it will be sooner rather than later.

and another thing that is fucking with me is that he keeps coming to me. in text, or calls, or emails.

it reminds me that i left him. that he is most definitely not over the fact that i left him. that i abandoned him. that i left him all alone to deal with his shitty life that he helped make for himself.

and it depresses me that i am the person he feels like he should talk to right now.

i rely so much on my friends. and he just has me to understand his problems? i mean, i know his life inside and out. i know every aspect. every complication. and the last ten months withstanding, i have ten years of on-the-job-training. so even though it is not my place, or my job anymore, i can't help but to want to listen. because all of his twenty-something musician friends could never begin to understand.

and now that amanda has been spared, and is in the hospital again, i don't know how he will get any sleep. he probably hasn't slept in over two weeks. and he has a weak heart.

and if his mom knows about his health situation, she probably knows she'll bury him, too. for a mother to survive not one, not two, but all three children, is just unnatural.

i thought my mother would die when she buried my brother, and more than anything else, i remember her losing it, and telling me that she couldn't survive burying another child, when aubree had her brain incident.

ever's mom buried both parents in the last year and a half. and now amanda, taking it to the next level, is going to pose a constant threat once she recovers and gets out. because she's selfish enough to try again.

like i said, i don't know what her tactic was, so i don't know if this is like a 'got her stomach pumped and goes home tomorrow' kindof a thing, or 'slit her wrists in the wrong direction' thing where she's already home with wrist bandages like luke wilson in the royal tennenbaums. or if she's recovering from gunshot wounds. who the fuck knows.

all i know is, now mom's going to be on suicide watch, after burying her mom two days ago.

what the fuck?

will it ever end?

the other thing that is fucking with me is that i'm trying to be tough with him, because of the whole divorce thing. and that is entirely possible that i'm making a decision that could literally be life and death with him.

because i entertained the idea, for a while on saturday night and into sunday, that i could see if it was even possible to add him back to my insurance.

he'd never be able to pay the $430 a month she paid for him, but i'd think that because he already had a policy through ours, that he'd just be readded, and he could go on his merry way, heart surgery and medication and all.

i talked myself down from that thought. because it's one more way to keep him attached when i'm so close to cutting every single legal tie that binds us. and i'm so desperate to have his opposite-of-midas-touch removed from my life.

but tonight, at the bar, naturally, i realized. this isn't about me being stubborn. or the martyr. or a bitch. or an ex wife. this is literally a matter of life and death with him. a matter of never recovering from hospital bills that i cannot even begin to imagine. it's about having some control over something that could keep him alive.

and i don't know if that is me putting too much on myself, as i have done with him the entire relationship (blaming myself for his drinking, smoking weed, laziness, etc.). or if i should really be ashamed of myself for not jumping in immediately.

i just don't know how to proceed.

and like i said, it's literally not my life right now. not my drama. nor do i intend for it to be.

but it's easy for people outside the situation to say, 'well he should have thought about that before he did things that made you feel like leaving him was the best option', or 'karma is a bitch'.

believe me, i've been feeling the guilt for thinking both thoughts repeatedly this entire past week.

but i just keep coming back to the fact that death is so permanent. and so unfair.

and i can't fathom wanting to die so much that you try to make yourself. and i can't imagine that, after seeing what the family has been through this past week, i could be selfish enough to make them go through the whole fucking thing again two days later? how could she?

i never liked her. but she was ever's sister. and he blamed her craziness on brandy's death. and i can relate to that, because it's the same thing my brother still deals with. he sometimes talks to my mom about wanting to die because he blames himself for my brother's death. when he was FIVE and keeping an eye on him.

meanwhile over here, tea goes through her day today, oblivious, stressing about the fact that the heat isn't on at work and that she has to wear a coat on top of her other two layers top and bottom, behind the counter. and stresses about an expensive bar tab, required to drown out the fucking unbelievable shit she's swimming in, that isn't even her shit to swim in. stresses about having to borrow money from mom and dad again, to fix ever's shortcomings again. to keep the house from getting foreclosed upon after months of knowing that it would eventually happen. stressing about how to simultaneously live in two places at once. after taking a two week vacation from life.

and none of it fucking matters. not really.

because i'm not dying. and my grandparents didn't die today. and my sister didn't try to kill herself.

fuck mental illness and addiction and getting older, man. fuck it all.

new year's resolutions, 21 days later. jan 23rd.

so these were my resolutions last year:

1. decide to decide.
2. be happy (happier).
3. take better care of myself.
4. write. daily - work on writing a book?
5. make art. stay in art classes.
6. learn an instrument.
7. learn photography, technically.
8. go dancing more often.
9. read two books a month.
10. make more time for my family (back home)

DONE: 1,2,8,10





accomplishing four of ten seems alright by my standards.

my leftover resolutions will be

1. learn an instrument
2. learn photography, technically

i don't even care about the instrument anymore. and i've done some reading on photography, but nothing that could be considered learning it.

my new resolutions will be

3. be divorced, technically
4. fix and sell the house
5. move home
6. go on a first date
7. take my fall road trip stargazing vacation
8. get a passport
9. go to canada
10. dark sky with kit in june
11. drink less
12. smoke less
13. cancel the gym or start going
14. read at least one book a month.
15. write another novel. finish the first one.
16. create more art. take an art class after i move. attend the one i'm in now.

i don't know how it took so long to create these. they're super obvious to me. and some of them are out of my control, but they're still my resolutions. here's to hoping for resolve.

as soon as i recover from the house disaster, financially, i am going to have to get a passport. because i should really go to canada in the spring, from phila, with kit before i leave, and getting a passport takes time.

and i guess that i should be thinking of what i will do if i either hold onto the house for the three years of the tax credit to avoid paying it back and rent it out, or if i do sell it earlier and pay it back.i should be thinking about what will happen if i don't sell it. or what my new plan will be, if i happen to get stuck here beyond the beginning of summer, when i had hoped to leave.

i should be imagining myself living in the house alone. just in case that is my future.

i should be imagining myself living in the house with other people, in case that is my future.

i should statements are something that my shrink warned me about. i shouldn't be making i should statements.

but i have learned that thinking about things and imagining them helps plan for the future. it makes it easier, because honestly, it forces me to think about things that are stressful, and induces some of that stress, so that when i get to the situation itself, it's slightly less stressful, because the element of surprise and shock has been taken out of it. because i've already dealt with some of the stress.

someone else might say i just worry a lot. but i think that imagining helps. immersion style.

plus, i need to be able to see past the situation itself, with the house, and think about different ways to solve any problems that might come up.

now. if i could just get myself out of bed. and do something with the rest of my day.

i want to bake. but i just don't feel like actually doing it... i want to smoke. but it's 20 feels like 9 outside, and i don't know if i'm ready to feel that just yet.