drop it like it's hot. april 2nd.

that refers to my phone number.

nina says this is the month where i'll finally have sex.

i hope she is right.

i have been walking around for nearly a week now, uncomfortable in my own skin, because i have had about 10 minutes of sex in the last seven months.

it's a fucking crime against humanity. no one should have to endure this. and wanting it only makes it worse.

but something is happening on dating site.

i got those seven mutual matches. i messaged all but one. and got messages back from almost all of them.

and after days of not hearing back, somehow in the last 24 hours, i've gotten two back. and dropped my number like it was hot.

we'll see. i have a potential bowling date with a boy named matthew. and am in the process of setting up something else, perhaps a date at the science center, with a boy named al.

and i don't know that i have ever known an al that was close to my age. the two al's i know are both in their 60s.

a third boy gave me his number, and we missed each other on chat. but maybe that will work itself out eventually.

i think the secret to this is working on the house less, being awake later, and keeping things online and running in the background to increase the chances of running into people i want to chat with online. i spent most days this week working on stuff around the house, and sleeping because i've been sick and also up stupid early in the morning.

i did something funny today. i amended part of my dating site profile.

because i have been feeling like an idiot in my responses to boys. and because i don't really want to change who i am to play some stupid fucking game, i just wrote a little disclaimer. it says something like:

i'm a writer. i'll probably write more than two sentences if i'm interested and write you back. i'm not a robot - i like relating to people.

and i won't wait three point five days to write back for the sake of seeming busy. i am busy. but it takes two minutes to write someone back.

and that it's fun to get to know someone in person. it's just one drink.

i guess it came from getting notes from boys that were like three sentences long. and writing them back the same day, maybe five sentences. and then never hearing from them again.

what the fuck is that? just because i'm on point, that doesn't mean i'm desperate. it's not like i wrote them back and said, 'i have no plans for the future. want to do something tonight?'

come on. just so over the games of online dating after setting out to try it.

in any case, it feels pretty awesome to have made some progress with boys that i think are hot. and it's nervous belly excitement setting up dates and giving out my number.

because until a few days ago, i can't remember the last time i gave a boy my number. seriously? it had to have been when i met ever. eleven years ago.

something else happened today, too.

back story: when i ran the stores in the airport here, i had this employee named mark.

he's one of those guys. you know the type... so so cute. the nicest boy you'll ever meet. genuinely kind and wonderful. and has NO CLUE.

he left phila because he said he couldn't meet girls.

intern has said the exact same thing. whatever.

in any case, mark now lives in western pennsylvania. he has a cute puppy, and a lovely (i'm sure) girlfriend.

he's maybe a five and a half hour drive from here.

a little while back, he posted some skate videos he's in on my wall. he found me on chat a day later, we talked for a while. he said he's planning a trip here soon, and that he'd let us know (us = me/pam/kim) so we could all hang out. he happened to ask about ever that conversation, and i told him i'd left him. i know it caught him off guard, but we talked about it a little, and he reassured me that i'm not too old to be in the dating pool again.

i had a monster crush on him when i worked with him - we all did. but i was his 29 year old married boss, and he was probably 19 at the time. it was completely inappropriate, but i really enjoyed working with him. he was into the business i had with ever at the time, and he moved away with big dreams of making skate videos and starring in them.

this morning, he messaged me again. to tell me i came to visit him in his dream last night.

i was completely caught off guard by that. i asked him if i was nice and respectful in the dream. he said i was.

and then started talking to me. for like an hour. by the end of the conversation, he said i should come out to visit, that he'd give me a tour. i asked if there were any theme parks and he was quite excited thinking about going to the one near him. and i told him that maybe nina and i could visit when she is here. we wanted to go to six flags last time she visited, which is three hours closer.

i don't know. maybe it was silly. but i mentioned hometown, and he said he was born there. which i did not know. and when i said i didn't know that, his response was, 'there's a lot you don't know about me.'

i shook my head. it's such a good line. one that gives me butterflies. even though i know he didn't mean anything by it. if any other boy said that to me, i'd swear they were implying something crush related.

in any case, at some point this summer, i'll have to drag one of my friends out there with me, to go tromping around a theme park with mark, and take any tension out of the arrangement. he's so much fun. if it happens, it will be super awesome.

that's my story. i'm sticking to it.

i'm supposed to go to watch the phils game out tonight. i just feel crappy, and know that the exertion of cheering and screaming and drinking (which means smoking) will destroy me. but i really don't want to stay in either.

it's a conundrum.

i am so grateful for baseball season.

i feel like it's the time for buying a few sets of tickets and asking dating site boys to go with me. but $30 for a date that could be horrible sounds like a rotten idea. it happened to kit once, and i don't want to go through it. maybe on a second or third date. because if it was fun, it would be spectacular. and i live close enough to the stadiums to drag some poor unsuspecting boy home. and into my sex den.

my as-of-yet non-existent sex den.

here's to april being the month that ends the drought. figuratively and literally...

ugh. march 31st.

i feel pretty crappy.

i've decidedly taken a more homeopathic approach to the illness i've been struggling to fight off.

it involves using the neti pot, which might become an addiction. and only taking nyquil at night, instead of popping cold medicine all day long.

the first day was rough. yesterday was good, but then i overdid it a little, and now today is back to being shitty again.

i've been working with contractor on the house. yesterday was such a great day of work. we got the refrigerator plumbed in, so now you can get filtered water from the door. the ice maker isn't working yet, but water in the door is so wonderful.

we also fixed the leak under the kitchen sink. which took two attempts. the first one didn't create a seal. so the second time, we used more plumbers putty, and it worked.

he also snipped all the random speaker wire that our retarded electrician ran, that has been dangling all over the house. i'll go back and mud over them at some point. and the white registers are up in my bedroom, which now completes the 'america' theme ever was trying to create when he painted the soffit blue and red.

i like that he teaches me about what he is doing as he goes along. and he says that 'we' are working on the projects, but all the little stuff he just does himself. mostly i make myself useful by handing him tools and taking spare parts from him.

like putting up the new doorbell. which sounds so delightful. so much better than the fucking fire house buzzer bell the crazy electrician put up.

and he fixed the wire that was making the entire house of smoke detectors chirp. i saw the problem when i climbed up to the top of the ladder to put them in place, and he had it fixed inside of a minute. all detectors up and working. i thanked him for making me safe.

the other stuff if little random odds and ends. i'm so grateful that realtor put me in touch with him. it's nice to not worry about whether something is done correctly, and he's a lot of fun to work with.

i was thinking about it yesterday, when i was working on the sink... i usually learn this stuff from my dad. who, like me, has next to no patience when teaching people who know nothing. the awesome thing about contractor is that he doesn't talk down to me, even though i am tool retarded. and he doesn't run out of patience. and he doesn't skip over shit that might take a while to explain, that is important.

i am learning, and the house list of repairs no longer inspires panic attacks. which is probably the best part of all.

because, before? it took three sittings just to write it all out, because i'd get so overwhelmed i'd have to stop. it was really horrible.

hopefully realtor goes paint shopping with me soon, so i can get going on that.

that's the update from the house. i'm out of steam, and into a beerble bath...

sleep deprivation. march 28th.

i have done all that i can do for one night.

i have to try to sleep, because i didn't get any last night, and made myself so sick today that i was convinced i was getting the flu.

in the last three days, i've eaten a handful of french fries, a slice of pizza, two chicken fingers, and three tostadas.

it's not okay. i am not okay.

mostly, this is about ever.

i met with jay's girl tonight, and she gave me information that basically put me over the edge.

ever's business is falling apart. jay's best friend split off to do something else.

if i was ever, i'd feel like my company was dead.

and in light of me leaving him, i'd feel like i had absolutely nothing left to live for.

i actually tried to call his mom tonight. i don't have her number. the two i called from faulty memory ended up being wrong numbers.

i'm dreading setting off a panic, but couldn't live with myself if i knew something his mom didn't, and that he died in the end.

i do not know what to do. all i know is that it is not my place, or my fault. and if i end up going to his funeral, i will never forgive him for giving up.

* * *

ever's mom just called me. she talked to him. he is okay.

what the fuck...

i'm done with this then. i have to be.

he is going to hate me. but i can't really care about that.

my work here is done.

i told her that i didn't mean to cause alarm.

what's strange is that she wasn't surprised when i said that i was afraid he was using again.

she actually said, 'yes'.

i don't know why, or what to. but maybe he relapsed a while ago? maybe she knew? maybe he isn't in it right now?



* * *

tomorrow should be decent.

regular day back with the girls. possibly a supply run with contractor tomorrow night. maybe followed by a couple of easy odds and ends at the house.

or maybe i just come home and relax.

hopefully i can sleep tonight. i'm taking nyquil, just in case.

and i'm trying not to think about the cutest part of my day today. robbie came to suck store to drop a delivery. we talked for a while, which was nice. and right before he left, i was telling him that i can help him on the weekends (which i always say) and pitching ideas about specific things i can do to help.

and he said, 'you know what i want? i want someone to take me by the hand, and tell me what to do'.

so i held his hand. for a minute. and said, 'robbie? everything is going to be okay. i will help you.'

it was so sweet. i had never touched his hand before.

he didn't seem to mind, so that made me smile.

and in the vein of, when it rains it pours, just before i left there, since last night, i had received five different emails from boys on dating site!

i think i might have five potential dates lined up!!

i messaged all the boys that came back as matches.

i told one that he seemed delightful, and that we should chat. before i saw that he hates smokers.

and he messaged me back that i was right. that we should chat.


one guy sent me his number and told me to text him.

i don't know what the fuck that is supposed to mean. what do i text to a perfect stranger? and how long do i wait? there was no mention of meeting up, or anything. what the fuck?

this is so complicated.

one boy is my favorite. he is a sam. and he said we should do something outside. so we'll see when the weather turns nice enough to go on that date. he told me i was pretty and level headed. made me swoon a little.

and it made me feel pretty good about myself.

another guy said that he wants to play scrabble and drink beer. he's a little young, but i'm going to do it anyway.

another guy is a comic artist who thinks about dinosaurs. he seems cute and together.

we discussed the dating site setup, he was really cute in his note, said he was new to the site. i wrote him back about my experience so far, and told him if he's up to chat or meet up, i'm game.

and while i was writing this? a boy who i thought had no interest totally winked back at me.

i said GODDAMN.

lowering your standards on dating site feels an awful lot like winning the fucking LOTTERY.

and they're cute! none of them live in phila. which is why i hadn't given them the extra star.

i guess if i scatter my fuck buddies all over the tri state area, that can be a win. depending on how i work it.

man. if i don't make out with someone by the end next weekend, someone please beat the shit out of me. there are too many possibilities here for me to fuck up every single one of them.

that's it for tonight, friends. i'm going to nyquil it up and pass out.

here's to hoping i wake up un-sick, without another kink in my neck/back.

and that someone commits to a date and time. so i can have the first online date. of my whole entire life.

no pressure, boys. and no, i won't tell the person until way down the line. if there is a way down the line.

four star boys. march 27th. (nina's birtday)

so what ended up happening yesterday was this...

i basically triple booked myself and paid dearly for it.

originally, the girls were coming over to have a little party. i stocked up on snacks and drinks. but the same day i told them to come over at two, contractor said he took the day off on saturday and wanted to come to work on the basement.

because he was offering to work with me on his day off, i took him up on the offer. we talked on the phone for an hour, basically setting up our plan and talking shop. and then just bullshitting for a while.

he said that, if i was willing to assist him with the work, he would do the work for a lower rate than if i just had him do everything. i told him that i am interesting in being more handy, and would love to learn how to do what it is that we were going to do (install a sump pump properly - including plumbing and electric work), to cap some broken plumbing, and to fix my dryer vent.

so he advised me to buy some liquor, either tequila or whiskey. whichever i would partake in. i've never had whiskey, so he told me two specific tequilas to look for. he said we would just relax and sip and bullshit and take our time while we worked, so it wouldn't feel like work.

brilliant plan. knowing the girls were coming over later in the day, i thought we'd be done working on the basement by the time the girls arrived, so i wasn't worried about being double booked. all of that was planned before kit came over, so i thought that she'd have fun with the girls and with contractor. so i didn't worry about it.

but what ended up happening is that first, contractor and i had to collect supplies at home depot. by the time we got back i guess it was right around 1230 or so. and we started working, sans tequila. by 215, he said it was an appropriate time to have a drink, so i poured tequila over ice, in two mason jars. and the sipping began.

it was crazy. i have not had straight tequila since i was probably 21 in tahoe. there's a reason for that. unlike every other kind of liquor, tequila doesn't make me spin, which means it doesn't make me puke. i can put away a lot of tequila, and if i put away too much, i just black out and make bad decisions. so i had sworn off of it for a long time. but i knew that, after twelve more years of drinking experience, i could handle it. and i did.

i guess i took three sips before i realized that it was in need of some mixer. so as to not be completely shitfaced within an hour.

i guess the first thing we did was dump a bunch of gravel into the hold ever had dug for the pump. we leveled it, and put the pit in. put the pump in there.

he was teaching me the names of the power tools, and making me use them, so i'd get over my fears. it was pretty empowering. i cut pvc with a sawzall. i drilled holes in the pit and another bucket with an impact drill. and i was most proud that i managed to carry four bags of gravel that were 50 pounds each around the basement and into and out of his truck.

'i'm getting stronger now...' (rocky theme from his training)

once the thing was plumbed in, we had to create a dedicated outlet to it, and run the electrical wiring from the front of the basement, all the way to the back where the pump is.

so we fed the wire through holes that were drilled for existing electric. it was slow going, but once that was done, he created the breaker for it, and taught me a lot about electricity. what's hot. what's safe to touch, what's the ground.

i realized yesterday that, both of us having a 'that's what she said' sense of humor, there were too many jokes to be easily made. and thanks to tequila, there were some pretty good ones.

after the sump pump was in and done, and had plumbing and electricity to it, we tested it. and it worked. so so awesome. we took a smoke break, at that point, i guess we were on drink number two. well into it. so we were both feeling pretty good. and also proud of ourselves.

kit joined us for a chat on the deck, which was a lot of fun. i was so glad that she was here this weekend, because the two of them hadn't met yet, and i knew they'd love each other. they did.

so i guess that was when i had kit call the girls, because it was well after the time they had planned to show up (they explained this as 'cpt', colored people time). i think they got there at 330 instead of 2.

contractor and i went back to the basement to work on the dryer, which was a very easy fix, but we were talking more than working, and it was slow going. he also did all the work himself, so there was nothing for me to help with.

it was fun, and when we finished that, lunch was ready and the girls were over. everyone was eating so we joined in.

and the girls had gotten into the tequila.

they were pretty silly already, which was unfortunate because i didn't even hang out with them, and i felt like they were at the point where they needed to be cut off.

contractor and i had a smoke break before packing his tools back into his truck, and by the time we came back inside after that, the two bottles of tequila were half empty. i think contractor and i had the equivalent of three shots over the course of three hours. so the girls were shitfaced.

i walked contractor out, after packing up his truck, and went back inside. pam was sick, so we called her man to come and get them.

i was so bummed because they'd only been over a couple hours, and aside from maybe 15 minutes of playing guitar hero, i didn't even get to see them.

they left, and kit and i just looked at each other, like, 'now what?'

i guess it was around 630 when they left. and i felt just horrible. while i was in the basement, everything was fun and fantastic. but when i joined the trainwreck party i felt bummed. and because i had stopped drinking when the basement work was done, i just felt drained and slightly stomach ache-y. not hungry. and kinda sad and demotivated.

all of it was a great distraction from thinking about ever and the conversation i need to have today with jay's girl. but once things got quiet, and the alcohol wore off, i was in bad shape.

i'd somehow managed to be okay on a four hour broken up nap to that point. we ended up getting no gringos takeout and coming back to watch zombieland, which i hadn't seen yet. i did like it. and it did work as a distraction until the halfway point. and then i just wanted to go to bed.

but i finished the movie, popped a couple ativan, smoked a couple cigarettes, and went to bed.

it was good - i slept from about 1230 until 10 today, so i do feel better.

the sleep deprivation sickness is pretty much gone, but my stomach is a bundle of nerves and my head is a fucking mess.

the whole point of the trumped title in yesterday's post was to talk about the four star boys.

so the night i found out about ever, after kit and i had talked for an hour, i got onto dating site.

and i don't know why i did it, but i just was so sick and sad about never getting any messages back from the boys i was flirting with, that i went through my rated boys.

and i gave them all an extra star.

and as i was going through all the three stars (whose only flaw more often than not is living in jersey or further into the suburbs) and adding one star on, my message box started filling up.

seven messages. seven of the boys i bumped up all had given me four or five stars.

so in a matter of ten minutes, i knew which seven boys i should deal with next.

it's funny, because it is quite literally a lowering of my standards. however, they are all boys on the most basic level that i consider to be fuckably hot.

so... game on.

i felt so good. i was giggling. i was excited. i was surprised at the ones that were interested in me. in the middle of trying to process the ever information, and listen to kit, all of which was rough subject matter, i was excited that of all of these boys, surely ONE will go out with me.

i have been DYING this week. i don't know what happened. i think that i dropped about five pounds, which has a direct effect on my drive. it goes something like, 'i'm skinny. i wanna get naked now.'

and i'm sorry, but taking care of myself is key to survival, however it is NOT fixing the problem. i need a MAN.

i feel like i am at this breaking point. i've been walking around for a week now, completely fucking wound up - a basket case. and i have been so frustrated and felt so unable to change my situation.

no joey in real life to hit on. no responses from boys on dating site to ask out. just NOTHING.

i told kit last night, in response to a long running joke we have about humping parking meters when one of us has to walk around feeling like this, that if she should happen to come back to the car with the takeout and i happen to be humping a parking sign, to please just let me finish.

i know it's ridiculous, but i seriously fear for boys in my path when i'm this obsessed in my head with getting laid. it's dangerous. yet, i have no fucking balls to do anything to make something happen. so really, it's not dangerous and all. and there could be fifty boys in my path, and i'd probably just walk right through them, trying not to bump into them while i stare at my shoes.

but dating site is about to change that. i was hoping that one of them would message me over the weekend. but none of them did. so maybe tomorrow, i start messaging them. or leaving my window up on the computer so they can start a chat with me if they want to. or maybe a mix.

part of me wants to send all seven at the same time, so that something is sure to happen. but part of me wants to cut that in half. to prolong it. it's only problematic if the last one is the one who responds, because then i've lost another week having inappropriate thoughts about parking meters. joking... but you know what i mean.

stupid ever managed to trump that news. and knock the wind out of me.

i hope things go okay with jay's girl. i'm waiting for her to call me now, so i can go over to talk.

i can't even practice my talk, because i don't know what to say. luckily, i really like her and think she'll be completely understanding. my fingers are crossed...