i haven't been writing.
and what is ironic is that yesterday, while holding eight seats for my sister's graduation, i took the fresh blank journal i bought specifically for the purpose of starting over, putting that boy behind me, and having pages to fill in florida, and i took at stab at a first entry.
i got one page into it, front only, before my family showed up to take their saved seats. an hour to write a page?
because i don't succeed at putting things behind me (or even aside), that page was all about him. and after the ceremony, and after the subsequent party, i took it outside with me and wrote the backside of the page in the dark on my parents' porch. and then got into bed, and made it a few lines into the second page.
my eyes were tired, i wasn't nearly finished, but i gave up. i had nothing bright to say anyways, so i wasn't that disappointed in myself. it's hard work, trying to give up on something on paper. trying to give up on having hope in a physical way. trying to give up on someone.
and i closed the journal, turned off the light, and put on my sleep mask around one. and laying in forced blackness, i thought about returning to my house, which i still debate mentally referring to as my 'home'. and thought about how aubree's bike is going to be standing in the dining room, where it lives when she's not riding it. and i thought about how it's going to be a psych out. that it's not that she beat me home from work and parked her bike there. that it's going to collect dust when there's a lack of out-of-town visitors.
i wondered how many times i'd see her bike and call upstairs to see what she was doing. and i wondered how many times i'd look for her without thinking about what i was doing.
that succession of thoughts made me cry, tears welling up underneath my sleep mask. and i stubbornly didn't move the mask to wipe them away, and went to sleep instead.
the point of the story is, at the halfway point in my vacation, it's not that i want to stay here, it's that i don't want to go back.
i started back with my worrying a couple days ago. the first few days, i bragged that i wasn't worrying, didn't have to pop a pill, and didn't resort to drinking three beers a day. things were easy, and i appreciated the lack of stress.
my only worry then was how on earth i was going to last two whole weeks here.
but around thursday, i think, work worries crept back, and i didn't sleep well for two nights.
and last night, after writing for the first time in about a week, i guess it dredged up enough subconsciously to make me dream of that boy, which has really only happened a couple times since i met him.
it wasn't a nightmare, but it was a bad dream. he had withered into a frame consisting of skin and bones, which isn't far from what he's made up of. he agreed to see me, and we spent time separated physically, as friends. but at a point, i came up behind him to kiss the back of his neck while hugging him from behind, when the separation became more than i was comfortable with, when i couldn't be 'just friends', and his neck was all skin and tendons, and i woke up.
i woke up sad, in an empty bed, because aubree didn't sleep with me last night, and fell back asleep to have a bad dream about trying to catch a flight on southwest, where the lady at the counter tagged my bag that was a carryon, that had everything i needed in it, and had to re-sort everything instead of just taking the tag off. and while doing that, realized that i'd parked in short term parking, and that my bill would be $8000 if i didn't move my car before leaving town. wendy was in it, catching a flight before me with our old coworker from boston, and was busy being mad that i'm not making the trip to see her for her fortieth birthday as i'd promised, because i spent all of my vacation for the year between april and august this time.
i got out of bed to make coffee, and when i climbed back in, to wait until it was done brewing, i had a good cry out of nowhere.
today is supposed to be a fun day. we're going to my cousin's lake house to have fun in the sun, with beer, i've looked forward to it the whole time i've been here.
and it reminds me of last summer, the fourth of july, when kit was there with me, and spent the day with us before flying back to phila. last summer was so much fun. it was the best summer since the go-to summer of age nineteen.
i wanted this summer to be that way. and thinking that it would top it, when i met that boy and made all those plans, along with the plans to come home and try for a round two repeater. it has made this trip feel so much further from that.
this trip, the trip filled with nursing home visits, and aging grandparents, a funeral thrown into the mix, and only happily accented with aubree's graduation yesterday, has made me muted and sad, and not wanting to talk about it to anyone, or write about it for everyone.
it's made me check out, silent and heady. and when aubree's around, it is punctuated with laughing and giggle fits, but otherwise not so much.
getting away to nina's for two days and a night is going to be something that makes me feel better. and the drive back to phila with brownies is going to be fantastic, catching up by talking incessantly and sharing music for the better part of a day. but i still worry about the drive, and how we're going to make it back, and how i can possibly cram everything awesome about my city into one and a half short worn out from driving back days.
i hope she has fun. it's my goal to make it so.
this morning is quiet. everyone is at church except for me. and it makes me feel like an awful daughter. i just didn't have it in me, and i woke up too late to make it anyway. church feels like some great conspiracy that i want no part of. mass mindcontrol that makes me sad for my family and the majority of their friends, for getting sucked in, and putting so much time and money and energy into it, and furthering the cause of spreading hate and intolerance about people who don't line their lives up with their version of what will get them into heaven.
on the porch, writing now, the only sounds are a lawn mower in the distance, a plane flying overhead, and the low hum of the ceiling fan that draws the smoke of two cigarettes away from me and pushes the smell of stale butts in an ashtray closer to me.
i do feel a little better after a shower, but maybe that's because aubree came home, and pointed to the spot on the couch next to her, for me to sit in.
and i sat, and said, 'what is it?'
and she put her leg against mine and said, 'i just needed to touch you. it's been too long.'
oh, my sister. it's a big relief that she insinuates she'll be back to my house in a month or two. but like the mindfuck with the boy, i'm afraid she'll do the smarter thing, and work here and stay here. because it's what i did to my family. getting their hopes up that i'd return, and disappointing them epically.
all i want to listen to is jose gonzalez. because his sad voice and sad songs about love lost make me think about his problems instead of mine.
it's strange to me that, despite all those in-love feelings i was having so briefly, i don't feel love for him. i would have, i know. it was just a matter of time. i'm glad that i wasn't there, or this would be next to impossible to try to kick.
i'm disappointed that i can't leave that broken part of my heart here with my family and just get over it. i simply cannot go back to cry-all-day-in-bed tea when i return. i'm going to need hobbies and a set of friends who will take me out of my bed and into society, so i can fake it publicly, until i finally feel better about things.
my sister had a good cry on the way to graduation yesterday, and seeing her cry made me cry a little. we were talking about our own mortality, and that of our friends and family, thinking about the funeral, and whose will be next. what we want when we die, and what would be said about us when we do. that's never a good thing to think about, but it didn't bother me so much.
what bothers me more is believing fully that the next trip home will be an unplanned one. that someone will die before i come home for my brother's wedding in january. that i can't come home for christmas like i did last year.
it's just a feeling. from being overwhelmed with people saying they want to die while i'm sitting next to them.
what did bother me about thinking about my own mortality was that i don't know what my funeral would be like. i don't want a religious 'homecoming' sendoff. and i don't know anyone who would speak at my funeral. i wouldn't want one. i want to be burnt into ashes. and in lieu of a $10k funeral, i'd want everyone to go to paris instead, and toss my ashes over there. or some other place i say i'd like to go, but probably won't make it to in my lifetime.
or better yet, turn me into a diamond and wear me. but that's too sad.
but yeah. i can't imagine what would happen. and i guess we aren't supposed to when we're 33 years old. but shit happens. and let's face it... i lay in the sun as much as i can, smoke half a pack a day, drink like a fish, and don't eat vegetables. at the rate i'm going, it won't be too far off. and i have no will to change my deadly ways, so there's that.
my recent setback makes me think i'll never find that special one again. someone so ideally matched. the one i belong with. my partner for life. the one to procreate and get old with. i still think about the odds of finding it once, but not having it. finding it a second time, and it being stolen from me before i even got to enjoy it fully. is the third time the charm? will i be 60 when i find it again? or 45?
i had to hold a baby again. a three month old. and i had to leave the room again. to cry a little for taking away my mom's hopes of becoming a grandparent. again. it's a maddening cycle. at least it only crops up once or twice a year. i'm grateful for that. who's to say if i'd even want it or have it, even if the possibility arose? i'm not, that's for sure. not now anyway. and the way i see it, i've got about seven years to pull it together and luck out.
this feels like writing fiction, it's a different style than i ever use, and i don't know why or where it's coming from. but i'm pretty much over it. and you probably are, too.
today was a three beer day. and i feel whatever about it. i feel whatever about everything.
maybe what i miss most from the prospect is the lust for life that iggy sang about all those years ago. feeling like there's so much i want to do and see and learn and experience. i had it for a minute. and that is gone from me now.
for now, i'll take a two day with my best friend, a few more days with my sister, a road trip with a dear rekindled friend, and the ebb and flow of a working existence after all of that is a thing of the past. beyond that, i could give a shit. and wish time away, in hopes that it brings me one day closer to a more final finality with that boy who is so grown up and good that he tells me he won't put me through his own underlying eeyore.
i wish he was selfish and careless sometimes. and much less silent. even though i'm supposed to not be waiting. for a response. or for anything else.
road trip. and vacation. july 29th through aug 1st.
i have not been motivated to write. at all.
there's actually stuff to write about. and i've been putting off.
i did get an email from that boy. and that was the start of the trip, so it comes first in coverage.
after i'd officially given up on hearing from him again. i was having the craziest day on friday. all the last minute prep before leaving town. i had made a list of about twenty things i had to do before working a store until close. another ten hour day.
i was in line, at the bank, and almost fell over when i saw his name in my inbox.
gigantic email. explaining that he's been going through some heavy stuff, and that he doesn't think it's fair to see anyone while he sorts things out.
it threw me off completely. it was a relief, in a way. i didn't do anything wrong. but still a bummer. and i was in front of a teller, fighting a meltdown, with tears filling my eyes. i made it to the front door of the bank, put my sunglasses on, and cried on the way to the car. once i got into the car, i lost it. ugly crying, reading the end of the email.
and all of the thoughts i'd been dealing with to that point switched gears into new and uncharted territory. and i thought it was funny that i had really given up on hearing from him. and was nervous to have a sixteen hour drive ahead of me, with new food for thought. but i was grateful to hear from him, at great length, explaining himself to me.
i was doing really well to that point. crossing everything off of my work checklist. i was on schedule. and the email threw me off completely, lost in thought and crying back to the city from delaware, after about a ten minute break of crying in the parking lot of the bank/beer store/cigarette store.
and lost in thought through blurry vision, i missed my exit for suck store, not even realizing it until i got to the city.
it meant more work, more driving, more racing around later in the day. aubree rode with me after her last day at her internship, to suck store, and back to work again, while i showed the newest guy how to close the store.
driving home after that, she said that we should leave that night. that i would be awake, that she would be awake, and that instead of trying to get something like a three hour nap before leaving at one, we could just pack and leave.
the thought made my stomach turn. sixteen hours of driving? getting in after being awake for 30 hours straight? could i even make it?
i told her that i wasn't saying no, but wasn't saying yes either. that we'd pack the car and see where we were. she hadn't packed a single thing, but she was completely packed within an hour. it blew my mind. her whole life in phila, packed in an hour? it took me longer to pack, and i just had clothes for two weeks.
she was done by 8. the car was loaded by 9. and we decided to go. we got showers, said goodbye to mike, and got into the car. i drove three legs, from 945 until about 4 am.
things got a little hairy at around 3. i was definitely getting tired, aubree was trying to nap to drive the next leg. my back was killing me from being in the same position for so long, so i was hunched up over the steering wheel, thinking too hard, and feeling too much, and being sleepsick. so when she woke up, and saw me driving like that, it freaked her out a little bit. she slammed a red bull and took over.
and i wrote for a bit, and had my cry. i'd been doing so well – i was actually proud of myself for holding it together for almost eight hours of driving and thinking.
once i didn't have to focus and drive anymore, i guess i just released it.
it's really over. and i let myself finish that sentence, in my brain, with a 'for now'. but the bottom line is that it's really over. and i'm glad that i already knew it, because it took a lot of the sting out of it.
i wrote him back across five state lines, in few minute increments. thought i lost the entire email at one point and got upset about that. but once i was home, and online again, i found that it had saved my draft.
once we got to the florida state line, we were both absolutely whipped. twelve hours of driving and a sunrise under our belts. awake over 24 hours at that point. it was wicked. but what's funny is that, before about 2 am, we were making fantastic time, but it felt like a lot of driving. and after 11 am, it seemed like it had gone by so quickly that we couldn't believe we were almost there.
we'd lied to mom and dad. we'd said we left at 145 in the morning, after sleeping, as planned. thinking we'd pull off a great surprise. we pulled into the driveway an hour ahead of schedule, and five hours before they were expecting us. we were bouncing and squealing excited to be home. screaming the last few songs at the top of our lungs on the way into our section of the city.
but the surprise was on us. mom was happy to see us, of course. and we got her to call dad into the house from mowing the yard, to surprise him. and he was happy to see us, too.
but we'd interrupted their cleaning and house prep for our arrival. and we hadn't anticipated it. so it was this strangely stressful surprise for them, i guess. they wouldn't let us help them. and from arriving, we were hyped up and from the driving we were cracked out, so we arrived exhausted and nauseous, but awake. and they kept telling us to sleep, but we couldn't.
we'd been home for an hour, and sat down at the kitchen table. looking at each other and communicating without words, making noises and cracking inside jokes. talking hood and laughing. it made me feel strangely self-conscious. because now aubree and i are so close and attached, i think that it probably freaks them the fuck out. they have to know what is going to happen next.
i actually felt guilty. i felt bad for giggling with her, and for having developed something like a secret language between us.
and things at home are very different. i knew that seeing the grandparents would be hard. and it has been. we went to see grandma a few hours after we got here, sleepless and unwell.
she's in the same nursing home other grandpa was in, where i spent so much time my visit last summer. i don't like that place. it's a jesus nursing home. there are creepy religious paintings everywhere. and a lot of sick old people. and sick people who are too young to be in a nursing home. it depresses the shit out of me. it's one step above a hospital.
when we walked in, my grandmother, who was not a religious person a few years ago, starting crying and praising jesus and the lord that we made it over and over and crying happy tears, and it made me really uncomfortable. she had surgery on her broken ankle, which is why she's there – for rehab and physical therapy. and she found out today (day three of vacation) that she can stay for two more months if she has to. so it looks like my time with her this trip will all be spent in that awful place. it sucks.
she's been doped up on oxycontin for years, but now it's mixed with percoset and something for her nerves, so she's not awake too much. and slurs when she is. it's not cool at all. and now she has no pressure to get better and get the fuck out of that place. and today, my grandfather's brother died after battling alzheimers for something like seven years.
so i think i get to go to a funeral on friday.
we finally slept that night. i've had weird dreams both nights i've been home, which is nothing new to me. but aubree's fan isn't working, and i spent the night sweating and tossing in a different bed. i guess i'm used to the (dis)comforts of my home.
but still, i slept twelve hours, which was much needed, and i woke up feeling mostly normal. visited grandma again. we had a pizza party for her, to bring some sense of happiness and normalcy to her in that home. and left from there to visit my dad's parents.
i was dreading it. rightfully so. grandpa of course had no idea who i was, but somehow remembered aubree. which surprised even her. and he slept most of the time that we were there. but when the two of them had our leftover pizza at their kitchen table, after watching dad help him into the kitchen, it got difficult.
he was somewhere else, mentally. and he said something about not wanting to be around anymore, because he is living a miserable existence. even though he can't tell you why he's so miserable. he knows that his mind is gone when he has tiny moments of clarity. and he's honest about not knowing who you are when you ask him.
i had to leave the kitchen, because i felt a cry building.
my grandfather, who favored me growing up, and made popcorn for us every night we stayed with my grandparents, is completely helpless, and is dying a shitty death. he thinks on a daily basis that he is in a ditch, either held in a cage, or just disabled and helpless. and that he just lays in a ditch waiting to be helped for hours a day. but he never even left his la-z-boy chair.
i can't imagine. i don't want to.
so i left the room, and held it together. but before that happened, grandma pulled a typical stunt.
i call her mean grandma for good reason.
we were sitting at the table, after a few loaded questions about my haircut when we arrived. and she said,
'now you'll never get a date with that haircut.'
what is so funny about it is that it's her same haircut. she's had it forever. i look a lot like her, which fucks with me on a daily basis.
so the fact that she said that to me? typical. and not cool.
my parents thought he'd think i was her when i walked in, remembering his wife before she was old, and thinking he was back in the 50s and 60s, which is where his mind is parked most days.
aubree and dad went to other grandparents' house to mow the lawn for them. mom and i rode home in my car. and i almost made it, driving back to the house, before i started crying. it caught her off guard. i didn't say anything, it was only quiet tears.
but we pulled into the neighborhood, and she asked me if i was crying. and asked why. and i told her that this happens almost every day, and that i'm crying because i'm sad. and didn't say more than that before we got back to the house.
this trip is just DIFFERENT. there is tension and strain and stress at home. mostly financial, between mom and dad. when dad is stressed, he takes it out on everyone else. he is once again the dad that i grew up with, and it's a royal fucking bummer. he was so cool for so many years, it was awesome seeing a dad that i never knew who was fun to be around. but now he's pissed and miserable, and is making it his job to make everyone else pissed and miserable.
i don't know how i will feel in two weeks when i'm back to work. i'm not supposed to be thinking about that right now, but i am.
this is a long trip for someone with nothing to talk about.
maybe tomorrow i'll actually get some sun. it blows my mind a little that i have yet to really be poolside relaxing. i'm losing days to nothingness already. but i've been pretty distracted.
and because i feel like everyone is watching me, i have cut my drinking back a bit. and with the exception of that first night, i haven't had to pop an ativan either. maybe i'm trying to let myself feel everything. i don't really know. but it's different.
i'm okay with the fact that i thought this summer would top last summer. and i'm okay with the fact that life doesn't work that way. what it means is that i don't think home is the magical answer. what it means is that falling and feeling so much before summer even arrived set me up for feeling this way now that it's been taken away from me.
what would i be if things were actually easy for me? what would i do if things were all good? how would i act if i had something too good to be true?
i'll consider myself lucky in some way, that it isn't so.
because when i drive back, days from now, it won't be with a yearning to return here the way it was the last two times.
it's like the spell wore off. in every possible way. i'm really wondering how i'm going to make it here for two weeks.
things will just be normal. level. no highs. and maybe without the highs, the lows won't feel so low. i'm back to that feeling of nothing. where i'm partly convinced that i don't really feel anything at all.
and part of that is because i came here thinking aubree would be staying.
but that first day we were here, she already said she didn't know how she could live here. that after a month, she'll probably be clawing the walls to get the fuck out of here. i don't want to ask, or talk about it really, because i don't want to pressure her inadvertently.
but i think she'll be back in phila in the fall. i think that, somehow, life became normal there for her. the pace, the activity, the independence, the lifestyle. the distance from parents who judge her, all day every day.
so i don't have the feeling i had that first day, when mom almost immediately said something about how i'm going to deal when she's not there. and i burst into tears while aubree told mom, 'there are a couple things we won't be talking about while she's here, mom.'
it hasn't come up again. and i'm refusing to think about it. and i think i'm only able to because i feel like i don't really have to. and the way that usually works, in my brain, is that i'll acclimate to being back alone, and be okay. and so if she does or doesn't come back up, it won't be as world altering as it felt like it was going to be when we left to drive here. or when i unpacked everything of hers from the car.
i just feel... nothing. and i'm going to embrace that for as long as it lasts.
there's actually stuff to write about. and i've been putting off.
i did get an email from that boy. and that was the start of the trip, so it comes first in coverage.
after i'd officially given up on hearing from him again. i was having the craziest day on friday. all the last minute prep before leaving town. i had made a list of about twenty things i had to do before working a store until close. another ten hour day.
i was in line, at the bank, and almost fell over when i saw his name in my inbox.
gigantic email. explaining that he's been going through some heavy stuff, and that he doesn't think it's fair to see anyone while he sorts things out.
it threw me off completely. it was a relief, in a way. i didn't do anything wrong. but still a bummer. and i was in front of a teller, fighting a meltdown, with tears filling my eyes. i made it to the front door of the bank, put my sunglasses on, and cried on the way to the car. once i got into the car, i lost it. ugly crying, reading the end of the email.
and all of the thoughts i'd been dealing with to that point switched gears into new and uncharted territory. and i thought it was funny that i had really given up on hearing from him. and was nervous to have a sixteen hour drive ahead of me, with new food for thought. but i was grateful to hear from him, at great length, explaining himself to me.
i was doing really well to that point. crossing everything off of my work checklist. i was on schedule. and the email threw me off completely, lost in thought and crying back to the city from delaware, after about a ten minute break of crying in the parking lot of the bank/beer store/cigarette store.
and lost in thought through blurry vision, i missed my exit for suck store, not even realizing it until i got to the city.
it meant more work, more driving, more racing around later in the day. aubree rode with me after her last day at her internship, to suck store, and back to work again, while i showed the newest guy how to close the store.
driving home after that, she said that we should leave that night. that i would be awake, that she would be awake, and that instead of trying to get something like a three hour nap before leaving at one, we could just pack and leave.
the thought made my stomach turn. sixteen hours of driving? getting in after being awake for 30 hours straight? could i even make it?
i told her that i wasn't saying no, but wasn't saying yes either. that we'd pack the car and see where we were. she hadn't packed a single thing, but she was completely packed within an hour. it blew my mind. her whole life in phila, packed in an hour? it took me longer to pack, and i just had clothes for two weeks.
she was done by 8. the car was loaded by 9. and we decided to go. we got showers, said goodbye to mike, and got into the car. i drove three legs, from 945 until about 4 am.
things got a little hairy at around 3. i was definitely getting tired, aubree was trying to nap to drive the next leg. my back was killing me from being in the same position for so long, so i was hunched up over the steering wheel, thinking too hard, and feeling too much, and being sleepsick. so when she woke up, and saw me driving like that, it freaked her out a little bit. she slammed a red bull and took over.
and i wrote for a bit, and had my cry. i'd been doing so well – i was actually proud of myself for holding it together for almost eight hours of driving and thinking.
once i didn't have to focus and drive anymore, i guess i just released it.
it's really over. and i let myself finish that sentence, in my brain, with a 'for now'. but the bottom line is that it's really over. and i'm glad that i already knew it, because it took a lot of the sting out of it.
i wrote him back across five state lines, in few minute increments. thought i lost the entire email at one point and got upset about that. but once i was home, and online again, i found that it had saved my draft.
once we got to the florida state line, we were both absolutely whipped. twelve hours of driving and a sunrise under our belts. awake over 24 hours at that point. it was wicked. but what's funny is that, before about 2 am, we were making fantastic time, but it felt like a lot of driving. and after 11 am, it seemed like it had gone by so quickly that we couldn't believe we were almost there.
we'd lied to mom and dad. we'd said we left at 145 in the morning, after sleeping, as planned. thinking we'd pull off a great surprise. we pulled into the driveway an hour ahead of schedule, and five hours before they were expecting us. we were bouncing and squealing excited to be home. screaming the last few songs at the top of our lungs on the way into our section of the city.
but the surprise was on us. mom was happy to see us, of course. and we got her to call dad into the house from mowing the yard, to surprise him. and he was happy to see us, too.
but we'd interrupted their cleaning and house prep for our arrival. and we hadn't anticipated it. so it was this strangely stressful surprise for them, i guess. they wouldn't let us help them. and from arriving, we were hyped up and from the driving we were cracked out, so we arrived exhausted and nauseous, but awake. and they kept telling us to sleep, but we couldn't.
we'd been home for an hour, and sat down at the kitchen table. looking at each other and communicating without words, making noises and cracking inside jokes. talking hood and laughing. it made me feel strangely self-conscious. because now aubree and i are so close and attached, i think that it probably freaks them the fuck out. they have to know what is going to happen next.
i actually felt guilty. i felt bad for giggling with her, and for having developed something like a secret language between us.
and things at home are very different. i knew that seeing the grandparents would be hard. and it has been. we went to see grandma a few hours after we got here, sleepless and unwell.
she's in the same nursing home other grandpa was in, where i spent so much time my visit last summer. i don't like that place. it's a jesus nursing home. there are creepy religious paintings everywhere. and a lot of sick old people. and sick people who are too young to be in a nursing home. it depresses the shit out of me. it's one step above a hospital.
when we walked in, my grandmother, who was not a religious person a few years ago, starting crying and praising jesus and the lord that we made it over and over and crying happy tears, and it made me really uncomfortable. she had surgery on her broken ankle, which is why she's there – for rehab and physical therapy. and she found out today (day three of vacation) that she can stay for two more months if she has to. so it looks like my time with her this trip will all be spent in that awful place. it sucks.
she's been doped up on oxycontin for years, but now it's mixed with percoset and something for her nerves, so she's not awake too much. and slurs when she is. it's not cool at all. and now she has no pressure to get better and get the fuck out of that place. and today, my grandfather's brother died after battling alzheimers for something like seven years.
so i think i get to go to a funeral on friday.
we finally slept that night. i've had weird dreams both nights i've been home, which is nothing new to me. but aubree's fan isn't working, and i spent the night sweating and tossing in a different bed. i guess i'm used to the (dis)comforts of my home.
but still, i slept twelve hours, which was much needed, and i woke up feeling mostly normal. visited grandma again. we had a pizza party for her, to bring some sense of happiness and normalcy to her in that home. and left from there to visit my dad's parents.
i was dreading it. rightfully so. grandpa of course had no idea who i was, but somehow remembered aubree. which surprised even her. and he slept most of the time that we were there. but when the two of them had our leftover pizza at their kitchen table, after watching dad help him into the kitchen, it got difficult.
he was somewhere else, mentally. and he said something about not wanting to be around anymore, because he is living a miserable existence. even though he can't tell you why he's so miserable. he knows that his mind is gone when he has tiny moments of clarity. and he's honest about not knowing who you are when you ask him.
i had to leave the kitchen, because i felt a cry building.
my grandfather, who favored me growing up, and made popcorn for us every night we stayed with my grandparents, is completely helpless, and is dying a shitty death. he thinks on a daily basis that he is in a ditch, either held in a cage, or just disabled and helpless. and that he just lays in a ditch waiting to be helped for hours a day. but he never even left his la-z-boy chair.
i can't imagine. i don't want to.
so i left the room, and held it together. but before that happened, grandma pulled a typical stunt.
i call her mean grandma for good reason.
we were sitting at the table, after a few loaded questions about my haircut when we arrived. and she said,
'now you'll never get a date with that haircut.'
what is so funny about it is that it's her same haircut. she's had it forever. i look a lot like her, which fucks with me on a daily basis.
so the fact that she said that to me? typical. and not cool.
my parents thought he'd think i was her when i walked in, remembering his wife before she was old, and thinking he was back in the 50s and 60s, which is where his mind is parked most days.
aubree and dad went to other grandparents' house to mow the lawn for them. mom and i rode home in my car. and i almost made it, driving back to the house, before i started crying. it caught her off guard. i didn't say anything, it was only quiet tears.
but we pulled into the neighborhood, and she asked me if i was crying. and asked why. and i told her that this happens almost every day, and that i'm crying because i'm sad. and didn't say more than that before we got back to the house.
this trip is just DIFFERENT. there is tension and strain and stress at home. mostly financial, between mom and dad. when dad is stressed, he takes it out on everyone else. he is once again the dad that i grew up with, and it's a royal fucking bummer. he was so cool for so many years, it was awesome seeing a dad that i never knew who was fun to be around. but now he's pissed and miserable, and is making it his job to make everyone else pissed and miserable.
i don't know how i will feel in two weeks when i'm back to work. i'm not supposed to be thinking about that right now, but i am.
this is a long trip for someone with nothing to talk about.
maybe tomorrow i'll actually get some sun. it blows my mind a little that i have yet to really be poolside relaxing. i'm losing days to nothingness already. but i've been pretty distracted.
and because i feel like everyone is watching me, i have cut my drinking back a bit. and with the exception of that first night, i haven't had to pop an ativan either. maybe i'm trying to let myself feel everything. i don't really know. but it's different.
i'm okay with the fact that i thought this summer would top last summer. and i'm okay with the fact that life doesn't work that way. what it means is that i don't think home is the magical answer. what it means is that falling and feeling so much before summer even arrived set me up for feeling this way now that it's been taken away from me.
what would i be if things were actually easy for me? what would i do if things were all good? how would i act if i had something too good to be true?
i'll consider myself lucky in some way, that it isn't so.
because when i drive back, days from now, it won't be with a yearning to return here the way it was the last two times.
it's like the spell wore off. in every possible way. i'm really wondering how i'm going to make it here for two weeks.
things will just be normal. level. no highs. and maybe without the highs, the lows won't feel so low. i'm back to that feeling of nothing. where i'm partly convinced that i don't really feel anything at all.
and part of that is because i came here thinking aubree would be staying.
but that first day we were here, she already said she didn't know how she could live here. that after a month, she'll probably be clawing the walls to get the fuck out of here. i don't want to ask, or talk about it really, because i don't want to pressure her inadvertently.
but i think she'll be back in phila in the fall. i think that, somehow, life became normal there for her. the pace, the activity, the independence, the lifestyle. the distance from parents who judge her, all day every day.
so i don't have the feeling i had that first day, when mom almost immediately said something about how i'm going to deal when she's not there. and i burst into tears while aubree told mom, 'there are a couple things we won't be talking about while she's here, mom.'
it hasn't come up again. and i'm refusing to think about it. and i think i'm only able to because i feel like i don't really have to. and the way that usually works, in my brain, is that i'll acclimate to being back alone, and be okay. and so if she does or doesn't come back up, it won't be as world altering as it felt like it was going to be when we left to drive here. or when i unpacked everything of hers from the car.
i just feel... nothing. and i'm going to embrace that for as long as it lasts.
purge. july 24th (technically).
i've done well not to write. it's helped keep my mind off of things, if only slightly.
this week was a bumpy one. i had two days at work that started off horribly, but ended well, working with kim and aubree one day, and aubree the other.
it's just crazy. the quinn-free workplace is better, i know it is. having to do her job isn't easy, i knew it wouldn't be. and if i could walk around without frowning, my life would be better.
the transition has been interesting. there's a great disconnect between me and the other employees at that store, but now that only two of the five are left, it doesn't matter much. and one of those two is allegedly on her way out.
i worked 51 hours this week. it was not okay.
the weather was also not okay.
it was a full twenty degrees hotter here this week than it was in florida, which is unfathomable. i biked in it. i walked in it. i worked in it. i drove in it. and my wall unit has been running for at least four days nonstop, with the inability to cool my bedroom below 84 degrees. the rest of the house? SAUNA. cold showers every time. sweating while getting ready. just miserable.
and dealing with work being so hot and broken ice machines in the sweltering heat was a problem i did not want to deal with. not at all.
i've got my work cut out for me. sounds like the perfect time to take a vacation, doesn't it?
because that's what i'm doing. one week after my last vacation.
one week from today, i'll be at my parents' house.
it is so unreal. i can't even imagine it right now.
i know it's happening, it has to. but i feel neither ready for it, or deserving of it, or that the timing is right.
my visit with the shrink the other day was all inclusive.
i talked first about work. because it was easy. it's how i roll when i'm seeing the shrink. easy shit first, tougher stuff second, worst for last.
this was the most i've ever cried in her office. which blows my mind a little bit. and she said she absolutely picks up on my depressed affect.
when i got into going home, the tears started. talking about not being ready to go. talking about the grandparents and moving my sister back. talking about all that idle time.
i am not ready for my sister to leave. admitting to the shrink that the past couple months would have been spent in bed if it wasn't for her dragging me out was a hard thing to say and i had to take my time because i couldn't talk through my tears.
saying that this will be yet another trip where i go home and feel great and don't want to leave and think that moving home is the answer and that i'm going to come back sad made me lose it, too. because i told her, because i know, that it's not the answer. but it always FEELS like it is. when i'm there. when i'm leaving there. it always feels so wrong to come back here. because i always will opt for the easy way. the quick fix. even though i know it's wrong.
it's why i bought lottery tickets on wednesday and friday this week.
and when i got to the stuff about greg? holy waterworks. i knew that going into it. and when i started telling her what i was going to talk about next, it started. and i told her about erasing everything. and i told her that i want closure, that i want to know what happened.
she warned me that, just because i ask him how he feels or tell him how i feel, to know that it doesn't mean i'll get an answer from him. that i need to be okay with not getting an answer. that i shouldn't expect him to tell me what happened. and that i need to be okay with moving forward without ever knowing.
and i get why she said it, because she is absolutely right. but at the same time, i thought it was interesting that she pointed it out to me.
and what's ironic is that, this morning, i decided that i don't have anything to lose. and i took the four or so sentences i wrote to him at 2 am last night when i couldn't sleep for thinking, and with a nudge from nina, sent it to him.
the most important line said something about taking five minutes to tell me what happened so i can learn from this.
and sixteen hours later? fucking NOTHING.
good thing we talked about it. because i was mentally prepared for this reaction, specifically. and yeah, it's still early in the responding window to think that it's not going to happen. but fuck all. FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES? i am worth five fucking minutes.
the hardest i cried while i was there was when i stopped talking for a second, and she said, 'look, tea. this is a huge loss for you.'
having someone acknowledge it was a big deal.
i guess that, to me, from the outside especially, it seems like anyone would think, 'it was so short lived. it isn't a big deal. what is her problem? she is crazy.'
but to have her acknowledge the loss? and say enough about why it's such a big deal? it meant a lot to me.
i told her about my looping thoughts. how i did my best to not talk to nina about it much when she was here. how i didn't write for that week. and how frustrating it is to feel this way in every lull, because it is the old me. that i don't want anyone to have such an impact on my happiness. that i want to be happy because i'm happy. not because someone else makes me happy.
it is how i was that i fight against becoming again. it is me reverting back to nature. my natural state of being. and that i know that it isn't good for me. that it leads to me beating myself up about stupid shit that i can't control or can't change. how i can't stop thinking about it. replaying everything. and not being able to figure it out.
and she said, 'you just have to make yourself stop when you start.'
i was really hoping for some magical answer. 'here... do ____ when you start thinking, and it will immediately stop'. not really like the worry book, but mostly like the worry book.
i admitted that i got off track with that, and that the worrying had come back. but that it really helped when i was doing it for a couple weeks.
seeing her is never a fun way to start a day. it's not how i want to wake up, and honestly, i dread going there most of the time. i don't want to cry. i don't want to do the work. and i don't want to talk about all of the stupid shit i think and feel on a daily basis.
but that day, once i got to work a few hours later, i felt lighter.
we talked about medication. i told her that i want to first ride out the nuvaring wave. make sure that hormones have left my body, but i don't know how long that will take. and then i told her that this depression seems completely situational. and that i don't want to take a pill because i'm dealing with specific problems right now.
and she agreed. and said that i am tough, because i made it through everything divorce related without it, so it seems like i wouldn't decide that i need it now. or that i don't need it now.
but that, at the same time, losing my sister as my biggest support here, there might need to be a cushion that keeps the lows from being so low that i don't want to get out of bed.
again, with the 'keeping an eye on it' thing. i'm fine with that. i'm more open to the idea now than i've ever been before. but it's only because i feel super weak. like i can't do it on my own, even though i was JUST doing it on my own four months ago.
everything happening the way it did has completely changed how i think of myself as a person. i feel weak. worn out. downtrodden. sad. lonely. alone. and the worst is yet to come.
i just wish i could go back (time travel theme much? can i say it again, with more feeling?) to march. before i met the boy who has fucked me up royally. before i needed my baby sister to pick me up and brush me off several times daily. back to the time when i was kicking my house's ass, fixing shit faster than anything. handling work. having fun. fucking boys i didn't care about. feeling good about myself. feeling strong. feeling good about my decisions. feeling like my life was on the right track.
feeling like i didn't want or need some boy in my bed next to me more than occasionally. feeling like i was solid on my own. feeling like i wouldn't want anyone around that much anyway. feeling like i needed a lot of space and time. being comfortable with who i have become. feeling like i don't want monogamy or a boyfriend or to be married in this lifetime again. feeling really good about myself. and not feeling all the feelings that sappy love songs dredge up, or all the breakup songs for that matter.
not having a problem focusing on work. not having a problem with eating a shit ton of shitty food that makes me feel gross. not drinking three beers a day, at a minimum.
i just want to go back and unfeel all of these feelings. to be the super fun, super happy, super carefree version of me.
how could this tiny fucking thing make me feel worse than i remember feeling in the days since i left ever? it's ABSURD. i'm willing to say, without really remembering now, that this is worse than the end when i was still with him. which was the worst. i'm getting a little more sleep than that. i'm smoking a little less than that. all that talking and going through it with him was the worst.
how can a failed first flight of a baby bird relationship hitting the ground and dying (without explanation) feel worse than a ten year relationship/seven year marriage dying from years of neglect and starvation?
it doesn't make any sense.
on the bright side, as just perfectly executed above, my memory is SHIT. and because i did delete, i won't remember most of this in a while. and all i have is this paper journal that i'll probably put in a bin, despite only having a third of it filled, just in an effort to start over, to look back at some day. not much of the details are even in there.
well, i guess i have this blog, too. but i really did a good job of keeping a lot of things out of it in an effort to not put alice in an awkward position. i did a good job until i started to struggle. really, more specifically, until i started to get angry and hurt.
i hate that i keep thinking that i was right, back in may. that when i said, 'i don't deserve this, this isn't what i have coming to me, karma-wise' that i was predicting this. i hate when my fears and anxieties and doubts are affirmed.
for a minute, i let everyone else tell me that i did deserve it. for all of those years of putting up with ever's bullshit. that meeting someone so wonderful was my karma.
and now i'm back to thinking that ever was in love with me and i broke his heart when i bailed on him, and that this is just a tiny fragment of the heartache he went through, what i'm going through now.
i get it, karma. it's cool. consider my ass sufficiently kicked. to undo a year's worth of hard work and stress and determination in a few short weeks is a gigantic setback.
but just like before, i'll do it again. with the assistance of many distractions.
it's almost three. i'm not even sleepy.
i did something so fucking horrible today that i can't even think about it or i'll lose my mind.
in cleaning off music files from kit's laptop and putting them onto my new one, i inadvertently cleaned off whatever files itunes uses to make playlists. i double checked all of the music files as i moved them, making sure i wasn't erasing anything, and making sure everything was moved as i went. it was a triple check system.
but when i opened itunes an hour ago, to fall asleep to my favorite mix, everything was gone. itunes was like, 'hey. buy music. you have nothing in here.'
i hadn't emptied the trash, so i was able to pull a file out of it regarding my library. but the music files didn't come with it.
so now i have a list on the lefthand side of itunes that tells me the names of all of my mixes. but every single list is empty. and itunes thinks it's hilarious to tell me to add a song to my playlist. on every single one.
all of it is gone.
ALL OF IT IS GONE.
tomorrow i'll start the amazing process of rebuilding every playlist on my new laptop the right way, by making folders. i needed to do it anyway. i just hope my ipod doesn't crash out on me in the meantime, because it is the only place where the playlists exist.
the laptop. man.
my sister, in the singlemost beautiful gesture ever, surprised me today in a huge way.
we spent last night, late, shopping for laptops online. i was looking for something under $400. trying to see the most i could get for the money. and spent some time justifying buying it before i go home, where i'll be in dire need of a way to write.
and we found this deal that was super sweet. $350 for a 300 gig. i had pretty much decided to get it in delaware, maybe even on the way to florida on our drive. i was trying to do mental math, how much money i'll need for the two week vacation. how i'll swing it. if i can afford it, all of that.
and this morning, i was cleaning the kitchen. and aubree went shopping for the party we threw for kim's birthday tonight. and i didn't realize how long she was gone, because i was up to my eyeballs in cleaning preparation. and she came home, we unpacked everything. got the kitchen finished, got showered, and went to get kim.
and we get back to the house, and she tells me to help her out by grabbing the stuff that was in the trunk.
and i was confused, but dumb as usual. and opened the trunk. and there was the laptop, in its box.
and i am nearly sure i tilted my head sideways, confused as hell. and it slowly started to filter down. and i looked at her, and said, 'what did you do?'
and she laughed. and smiled. and i said, 'aubree? what the FUCK did you do?'
and i started crying, of course. because that is what i do at any new stimuli in recent days.
and she hugged me and said it was the least she could do for letting her stay here all summer, and taking care of her, not making her pay rent.
my parents didn't even buy it for me. my BABY SISTER did. with her first paycheck, that she waited all summer for.
because that is just how fucking awesome she is. she said something about fixing my problems one at a time, the ones she CAN fix. and i jokingly handed her my phone and said, 'here. fix this one next,' referring to that boy.
and when i took the laptop box up to my room, and started pulling it out and unwrapping it, i was so overwhelmed i started crying all over again. and went back downstairs to hug her and thank her again.
it feels good to start fresh. i spent the entire evening tonight, while we all drank and talked and while pam played with aubree's hair at the slumber party, moving everything off of kit's laptop and my old external hard drive onto the new one. and then spent a lot of time going through all those old files and deleting shit i never want to see again, or that i never will need again.
i'm getting really good at deleting these days.
if only it was so easy to delete feelings. empty emotional recycle bins and trash cans.
purging.
cleaning house.
figuratively, literally. this is what i do. when my head is fucked up, i clean. if i don't clean a room, i clean myself. doing dishes, taking a shower.
things are getting pretty clean around here.
i'll close this out by putting this out there:
i really hope that with all this cleaning and deleting and purging, that my mind follows suit. that i can let go of the things that are holding me back.
that i can do all the things i did before that made me strong and independent.
this week was a bumpy one. i had two days at work that started off horribly, but ended well, working with kim and aubree one day, and aubree the other.
it's just crazy. the quinn-free workplace is better, i know it is. having to do her job isn't easy, i knew it wouldn't be. and if i could walk around without frowning, my life would be better.
the transition has been interesting. there's a great disconnect between me and the other employees at that store, but now that only two of the five are left, it doesn't matter much. and one of those two is allegedly on her way out.
i worked 51 hours this week. it was not okay.
the weather was also not okay.
it was a full twenty degrees hotter here this week than it was in florida, which is unfathomable. i biked in it. i walked in it. i worked in it. i drove in it. and my wall unit has been running for at least four days nonstop, with the inability to cool my bedroom below 84 degrees. the rest of the house? SAUNA. cold showers every time. sweating while getting ready. just miserable.
and dealing with work being so hot and broken ice machines in the sweltering heat was a problem i did not want to deal with. not at all.
i've got my work cut out for me. sounds like the perfect time to take a vacation, doesn't it?
because that's what i'm doing. one week after my last vacation.
one week from today, i'll be at my parents' house.
it is so unreal. i can't even imagine it right now.
i know it's happening, it has to. but i feel neither ready for it, or deserving of it, or that the timing is right.
my visit with the shrink the other day was all inclusive.
i talked first about work. because it was easy. it's how i roll when i'm seeing the shrink. easy shit first, tougher stuff second, worst for last.
this was the most i've ever cried in her office. which blows my mind a little bit. and she said she absolutely picks up on my depressed affect.
when i got into going home, the tears started. talking about not being ready to go. talking about the grandparents and moving my sister back. talking about all that idle time.
i am not ready for my sister to leave. admitting to the shrink that the past couple months would have been spent in bed if it wasn't for her dragging me out was a hard thing to say and i had to take my time because i couldn't talk through my tears.
saying that this will be yet another trip where i go home and feel great and don't want to leave and think that moving home is the answer and that i'm going to come back sad made me lose it, too. because i told her, because i know, that it's not the answer. but it always FEELS like it is. when i'm there. when i'm leaving there. it always feels so wrong to come back here. because i always will opt for the easy way. the quick fix. even though i know it's wrong.
it's why i bought lottery tickets on wednesday and friday this week.
and when i got to the stuff about greg? holy waterworks. i knew that going into it. and when i started telling her what i was going to talk about next, it started. and i told her about erasing everything. and i told her that i want closure, that i want to know what happened.
she warned me that, just because i ask him how he feels or tell him how i feel, to know that it doesn't mean i'll get an answer from him. that i need to be okay with not getting an answer. that i shouldn't expect him to tell me what happened. and that i need to be okay with moving forward without ever knowing.
and i get why she said it, because she is absolutely right. but at the same time, i thought it was interesting that she pointed it out to me.
and what's ironic is that, this morning, i decided that i don't have anything to lose. and i took the four or so sentences i wrote to him at 2 am last night when i couldn't sleep for thinking, and with a nudge from nina, sent it to him.
the most important line said something about taking five minutes to tell me what happened so i can learn from this.
and sixteen hours later? fucking NOTHING.
good thing we talked about it. because i was mentally prepared for this reaction, specifically. and yeah, it's still early in the responding window to think that it's not going to happen. but fuck all. FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES? i am worth five fucking minutes.
the hardest i cried while i was there was when i stopped talking for a second, and she said, 'look, tea. this is a huge loss for you.'
having someone acknowledge it was a big deal.
i guess that, to me, from the outside especially, it seems like anyone would think, 'it was so short lived. it isn't a big deal. what is her problem? she is crazy.'
but to have her acknowledge the loss? and say enough about why it's such a big deal? it meant a lot to me.
i told her about my looping thoughts. how i did my best to not talk to nina about it much when she was here. how i didn't write for that week. and how frustrating it is to feel this way in every lull, because it is the old me. that i don't want anyone to have such an impact on my happiness. that i want to be happy because i'm happy. not because someone else makes me happy.
it is how i was that i fight against becoming again. it is me reverting back to nature. my natural state of being. and that i know that it isn't good for me. that it leads to me beating myself up about stupid shit that i can't control or can't change. how i can't stop thinking about it. replaying everything. and not being able to figure it out.
and she said, 'you just have to make yourself stop when you start.'
i was really hoping for some magical answer. 'here... do ____ when you start thinking, and it will immediately stop'. not really like the worry book, but mostly like the worry book.
i admitted that i got off track with that, and that the worrying had come back. but that it really helped when i was doing it for a couple weeks.
seeing her is never a fun way to start a day. it's not how i want to wake up, and honestly, i dread going there most of the time. i don't want to cry. i don't want to do the work. and i don't want to talk about all of the stupid shit i think and feel on a daily basis.
but that day, once i got to work a few hours later, i felt lighter.
we talked about medication. i told her that i want to first ride out the nuvaring wave. make sure that hormones have left my body, but i don't know how long that will take. and then i told her that this depression seems completely situational. and that i don't want to take a pill because i'm dealing with specific problems right now.
and she agreed. and said that i am tough, because i made it through everything divorce related without it, so it seems like i wouldn't decide that i need it now. or that i don't need it now.
but that, at the same time, losing my sister as my biggest support here, there might need to be a cushion that keeps the lows from being so low that i don't want to get out of bed.
again, with the 'keeping an eye on it' thing. i'm fine with that. i'm more open to the idea now than i've ever been before. but it's only because i feel super weak. like i can't do it on my own, even though i was JUST doing it on my own four months ago.
everything happening the way it did has completely changed how i think of myself as a person. i feel weak. worn out. downtrodden. sad. lonely. alone. and the worst is yet to come.
i just wish i could go back (time travel theme much? can i say it again, with more feeling?) to march. before i met the boy who has fucked me up royally. before i needed my baby sister to pick me up and brush me off several times daily. back to the time when i was kicking my house's ass, fixing shit faster than anything. handling work. having fun. fucking boys i didn't care about. feeling good about myself. feeling strong. feeling good about my decisions. feeling like my life was on the right track.
feeling like i didn't want or need some boy in my bed next to me more than occasionally. feeling like i was solid on my own. feeling like i wouldn't want anyone around that much anyway. feeling like i needed a lot of space and time. being comfortable with who i have become. feeling like i don't want monogamy or a boyfriend or to be married in this lifetime again. feeling really good about myself. and not feeling all the feelings that sappy love songs dredge up, or all the breakup songs for that matter.
not having a problem focusing on work. not having a problem with eating a shit ton of shitty food that makes me feel gross. not drinking three beers a day, at a minimum.
i just want to go back and unfeel all of these feelings. to be the super fun, super happy, super carefree version of me.
how could this tiny fucking thing make me feel worse than i remember feeling in the days since i left ever? it's ABSURD. i'm willing to say, without really remembering now, that this is worse than the end when i was still with him. which was the worst. i'm getting a little more sleep than that. i'm smoking a little less than that. all that talking and going through it with him was the worst.
how can a failed first flight of a baby bird relationship hitting the ground and dying (without explanation) feel worse than a ten year relationship/seven year marriage dying from years of neglect and starvation?
it doesn't make any sense.
on the bright side, as just perfectly executed above, my memory is SHIT. and because i did delete, i won't remember most of this in a while. and all i have is this paper journal that i'll probably put in a bin, despite only having a third of it filled, just in an effort to start over, to look back at some day. not much of the details are even in there.
well, i guess i have this blog, too. but i really did a good job of keeping a lot of things out of it in an effort to not put alice in an awkward position. i did a good job until i started to struggle. really, more specifically, until i started to get angry and hurt.
i hate that i keep thinking that i was right, back in may. that when i said, 'i don't deserve this, this isn't what i have coming to me, karma-wise' that i was predicting this. i hate when my fears and anxieties and doubts are affirmed.
for a minute, i let everyone else tell me that i did deserve it. for all of those years of putting up with ever's bullshit. that meeting someone so wonderful was my karma.
and now i'm back to thinking that ever was in love with me and i broke his heart when i bailed on him, and that this is just a tiny fragment of the heartache he went through, what i'm going through now.
i get it, karma. it's cool. consider my ass sufficiently kicked. to undo a year's worth of hard work and stress and determination in a few short weeks is a gigantic setback.
but just like before, i'll do it again. with the assistance of many distractions.
it's almost three. i'm not even sleepy.
i did something so fucking horrible today that i can't even think about it or i'll lose my mind.
in cleaning off music files from kit's laptop and putting them onto my new one, i inadvertently cleaned off whatever files itunes uses to make playlists. i double checked all of the music files as i moved them, making sure i wasn't erasing anything, and making sure everything was moved as i went. it was a triple check system.
but when i opened itunes an hour ago, to fall asleep to my favorite mix, everything was gone. itunes was like, 'hey. buy music. you have nothing in here.'
i hadn't emptied the trash, so i was able to pull a file out of it regarding my library. but the music files didn't come with it.
so now i have a list on the lefthand side of itunes that tells me the names of all of my mixes. but every single list is empty. and itunes thinks it's hilarious to tell me to add a song to my playlist. on every single one.
all of it is gone.
ALL OF IT IS GONE.
tomorrow i'll start the amazing process of rebuilding every playlist on my new laptop the right way, by making folders. i needed to do it anyway. i just hope my ipod doesn't crash out on me in the meantime, because it is the only place where the playlists exist.
the laptop. man.
my sister, in the singlemost beautiful gesture ever, surprised me today in a huge way.
we spent last night, late, shopping for laptops online. i was looking for something under $400. trying to see the most i could get for the money. and spent some time justifying buying it before i go home, where i'll be in dire need of a way to write.
and we found this deal that was super sweet. $350 for a 300 gig. i had pretty much decided to get it in delaware, maybe even on the way to florida on our drive. i was trying to do mental math, how much money i'll need for the two week vacation. how i'll swing it. if i can afford it, all of that.
and this morning, i was cleaning the kitchen. and aubree went shopping for the party we threw for kim's birthday tonight. and i didn't realize how long she was gone, because i was up to my eyeballs in cleaning preparation. and she came home, we unpacked everything. got the kitchen finished, got showered, and went to get kim.
and we get back to the house, and she tells me to help her out by grabbing the stuff that was in the trunk.
and i was confused, but dumb as usual. and opened the trunk. and there was the laptop, in its box.
and i am nearly sure i tilted my head sideways, confused as hell. and it slowly started to filter down. and i looked at her, and said, 'what did you do?'
and she laughed. and smiled. and i said, 'aubree? what the FUCK did you do?'
and i started crying, of course. because that is what i do at any new stimuli in recent days.
and she hugged me and said it was the least she could do for letting her stay here all summer, and taking care of her, not making her pay rent.
my parents didn't even buy it for me. my BABY SISTER did. with her first paycheck, that she waited all summer for.
because that is just how fucking awesome she is. she said something about fixing my problems one at a time, the ones she CAN fix. and i jokingly handed her my phone and said, 'here. fix this one next,' referring to that boy.
and when i took the laptop box up to my room, and started pulling it out and unwrapping it, i was so overwhelmed i started crying all over again. and went back downstairs to hug her and thank her again.
it feels good to start fresh. i spent the entire evening tonight, while we all drank and talked and while pam played with aubree's hair at the slumber party, moving everything off of kit's laptop and my old external hard drive onto the new one. and then spent a lot of time going through all those old files and deleting shit i never want to see again, or that i never will need again.
i'm getting really good at deleting these days.
if only it was so easy to delete feelings. empty emotional recycle bins and trash cans.
purging.
cleaning house.
figuratively, literally. this is what i do. when my head is fucked up, i clean. if i don't clean a room, i clean myself. doing dishes, taking a shower.
things are getting pretty clean around here.
i'll close this out by putting this out there:
i really hope that with all this cleaning and deleting and purging, that my mind follows suit. that i can let go of the things that are holding me back.
that i can do all the things i did before that made me strong and independent.
delete forever. july 19th and 20th.
well, i did it. i MADE myself do it.
turns out that this morning was the time to erase every text he sent since the beginning. and it turns out that tonight was the time to erase every email he sent since the beginning. and the lists. and the spreadsheet.
empty trash. delete forever.
it is like it never even happened.
it did. but it could all be false memories now. there is no proof that it was anything other than imagination.
it is time to move on.
and if i didn't do all of that purging, it would be just like the journals. sifting back, to remind myself of what i once had. what i lost. what i cannot let go of. what i feel like i can't overcome. to beat myself and torture myself with the 'where did i go wrong?' and the 'what did i say?' and the 'this is where i leapt, and this is where i hit the ground's.
it's over, because i made it so.
it turns out that being ignored twice was the last straw. i will NEVER understand how taking two seconds to respond 'no' or 'i can't' or 'i don't want to see you' or 'leave me alone' is too much to ask. but it just is with him.
part of me thinks that now, since i've done this, something crazy will happen. but every other strand inside of me tells me that i did the right thing, because nothing was going to change otherwise.
i outgrew waiting. and what i felt means more to me than what he didn't ultimately feel for me. so i'm cutting my losses. correction: i'm TRYING to.
it won't take away the things that i committed to memory. the things i wish i could forget. the things that will take years to forget, at worst, or a few more weeks at best, until the next distraction comes along.
i wrote brownies twice, and think i worded things well, so i'm pasting below the stuff that i don't feel like writing twice...
i am in a pretty dark place, and if i can figure out how to let go of the heartbreak, i will feel better. if i take control over my job and do what i need to do, i will feel better. but i have been popping ativan once daily for a while now, and am beginning to wonder if i need to be medicated (antidepressants), because i do not feel okay.
i guess i had a mental boyfriend, and am now experiencing a mental breakup. i think he's totally over me, and i am too chickenshit to put him on the spot and just ask. everything he does (well, doesn't do) is pointing that direction, and i'm having an impossible time trying not to think about him and all the things he said and wrote to me, that made me feel like this was something real that would last. everything that made me believe that it was safe to take a chance.
it's the biggest bummer. last night, falling asleep, i just kept thinking, 'i need to be alone'.
i can't handle the way i've been feeling lately. it has really sunk me lower than low. i don't know if it's just because it's the first heartbreak after the first time i made myself vulnerable, or if it is unrelated, or if it's just typical shit that i haven't felt in so long that it feels like a really big deal because it's foreign.
here's to hoping for some clarity on thursday at the shrink.
i just want to be happy again, and need to make myself that way.
those things from him that i got rid of were convincing me that it's all just a big misunderstanding, and that we will get back to being that way someday. it was giving me hope that i shouldn't have right now, not toward him.
so i got rid of all of it. and then emptied the trash, so there was no going back.
i feel like i say the same things over and over again. it's because i just cannot figure it out. and i shouldn't complain about it until i have answers, you know? this is all because i won't talk to him about it. because the couple times i have, i didn't get anything out of it, and felt like i was making him uncomfortable, even though he acted like everything was fine, and talked about everything EXCEPT what i was saying. i know he listened and understood what i was saying to him, because he was apologizing profusely, but he offered nothing to me in return, except 'i really like you, tea.'
which somehow made me tolerate another three weeks of being ignored, despite knowing better and feeling like i deserve more than this.
whatever. i don't want anyone to have that kind of influence over me. i should be grateful that i had that tearful happiness for a short time. a little taste. to know that it does exist. that i can be happy in that way, fulfilled.
but more than anything, it just makes me super sad to have glimpsed it and lost it so quickly. it felt like what forever would be like. turns out it's what like five weeks feels like, if that.
what a tool. i wish he was an asshole. then it would be easy to be angry and never look back. but his biggest fault is that he is a flake, or as nina says, that he doesn't follow through.
and after ALLLLLLL that communication in the beginning, then there was no more. but instead, he's a super sweet guy, who just doesn't get it. or maybe he gets it, but doesn't get me. or he gets me, and i just don't get him. it doesn't really matter at all.
it all seemed so perfect from so far away. a perfect fucking match.
but not up close. and not now.
oh, well...
i don't yet know what will happen if/when he decides to call me or ask me to do something. but i am done with being the one asking, and really can't fathom him doing anything of the like.
and i feel (again - maybe for real this time?) that the next time will be the time i can say something to him, because i kinda don't expect to see him or talk to him again, so it's not like every other time i chickened out, when i felt like i'd either scare him off or make him like me less by talking about things that would be unpleasant. that i'd risk losing the next time i could be spending with him.
i feel like i have nothing to lose now, only closure to gain.
and i guess that is what signals some kind of an end, right? the closure? i'm thinking that the answer is yes.
there was other stuff i wrote to her, but that's the gist of it.
hopefully i can put all of this behind me in two weeks when i go home.
i'll get excited about going home once i get work sorted. that's the biggest stress this week.
i fear all that time spent in the pool, where all i have to do is think.
i hate the discomfort. i've been in it for a while now. the one where no song is the right song to hear. no show is the right show to watch. everything feels wrong, including silence. it's making me absolutely sick. at least once a day, i feel like i need to throw up. luckily i hate throwing up enough to talk my stomach out of it. today it happened when i got into my car to leave work. i blame it on anxiety.
all i can do is try to drink and smoke and sleep through it. and i know that is wrong. but it is what is getting me by.
one day i won't feel sick when i pass that exit. one day i won't feel sick when i hear most of the songs i've had on repeat since may. one day i won't think about everything we talked about. one day i won't randomly burst into the sad variety of tears at a single thought that runs through my brain. one day i won't feel the loss anymore.
but that day is not today. maybe tomorrow. maybe a week or a month or a year from now. it feels, from the bottom, like it will be forever. but i know that isn't true. it was only a fucking month! and if it's about half lives, then this should be over by now, because it's been three months from the start, and only the first was good and worth the pain i'm feeling now. and how shitty that, in hindsight, i don't think it was even worth it.
some point between half life and a year ought to suffice. at least i have two weeks of shit, two weeks of home, and two more weeks of shit before everything goes back to normal at work, which coincides with the weather cooling, and everything outside quieting down, while everything at work goes back to being hectic craziness that i enjoy best.
i worked an 11 and a half hour day yesterday. and i was so close to finishing the day out, when the dj decided that the best song to play at that exact moment in time was wreckless eric's 'whole wide world'. i burst into tears, excused myself from the store, and had a cry. i was on my bike ten minutes later, riding home with aubree.
the whole time thinking, 'get bent, tax man.'
time. time will fix this.
that, and time AWAY.
this will be yet another trip where i vow to move home, thinking it will all be so much easier from there. like mom can somehow fix everything that i can't seem to fix on my own. that having aubree and my family and brownies and nina right there to lean on will make tolerating the heat totally worth it.
sell the house, take the money and run. start over.
i fear that as well. because i know i can't do it. but it always feels so easy at home. and all i want is something EASY.
my house got tagged while nina was here. i saw it for the first time yesterday, bringing in the garbage cans.
i hate my goddamn neighborhood.
and when i get like this? i just. want. OUT.
turns out that this morning was the time to erase every text he sent since the beginning. and it turns out that tonight was the time to erase every email he sent since the beginning. and the lists. and the spreadsheet.
empty trash. delete forever.
it is like it never even happened.
it did. but it could all be false memories now. there is no proof that it was anything other than imagination.
it is time to move on.
and if i didn't do all of that purging, it would be just like the journals. sifting back, to remind myself of what i once had. what i lost. what i cannot let go of. what i feel like i can't overcome. to beat myself and torture myself with the 'where did i go wrong?' and the 'what did i say?' and the 'this is where i leapt, and this is where i hit the ground's.
it's over, because i made it so.
it turns out that being ignored twice was the last straw. i will NEVER understand how taking two seconds to respond 'no' or 'i can't' or 'i don't want to see you' or 'leave me alone' is too much to ask. but it just is with him.
part of me thinks that now, since i've done this, something crazy will happen. but every other strand inside of me tells me that i did the right thing, because nothing was going to change otherwise.
i outgrew waiting. and what i felt means more to me than what he didn't ultimately feel for me. so i'm cutting my losses. correction: i'm TRYING to.
it won't take away the things that i committed to memory. the things i wish i could forget. the things that will take years to forget, at worst, or a few more weeks at best, until the next distraction comes along.
i wrote brownies twice, and think i worded things well, so i'm pasting below the stuff that i don't feel like writing twice...
i am in a pretty dark place, and if i can figure out how to let go of the heartbreak, i will feel better. if i take control over my job and do what i need to do, i will feel better. but i have been popping ativan once daily for a while now, and am beginning to wonder if i need to be medicated (antidepressants), because i do not feel okay.
i guess i had a mental boyfriend, and am now experiencing a mental breakup. i think he's totally over me, and i am too chickenshit to put him on the spot and just ask. everything he does (well, doesn't do) is pointing that direction, and i'm having an impossible time trying not to think about him and all the things he said and wrote to me, that made me feel like this was something real that would last. everything that made me believe that it was safe to take a chance.
it's the biggest bummer. last night, falling asleep, i just kept thinking, 'i need to be alone'.
i can't handle the way i've been feeling lately. it has really sunk me lower than low. i don't know if it's just because it's the first heartbreak after the first time i made myself vulnerable, or if it is unrelated, or if it's just typical shit that i haven't felt in so long that it feels like a really big deal because it's foreign.
here's to hoping for some clarity on thursday at the shrink.
i just want to be happy again, and need to make myself that way.
those things from him that i got rid of were convincing me that it's all just a big misunderstanding, and that we will get back to being that way someday. it was giving me hope that i shouldn't have right now, not toward him.
so i got rid of all of it. and then emptied the trash, so there was no going back.
i feel like i say the same things over and over again. it's because i just cannot figure it out. and i shouldn't complain about it until i have answers, you know? this is all because i won't talk to him about it. because the couple times i have, i didn't get anything out of it, and felt like i was making him uncomfortable, even though he acted like everything was fine, and talked about everything EXCEPT what i was saying. i know he listened and understood what i was saying to him, because he was apologizing profusely, but he offered nothing to me in return, except 'i really like you, tea.'
which somehow made me tolerate another three weeks of being ignored, despite knowing better and feeling like i deserve more than this.
whatever. i don't want anyone to have that kind of influence over me. i should be grateful that i had that tearful happiness for a short time. a little taste. to know that it does exist. that i can be happy in that way, fulfilled.
but more than anything, it just makes me super sad to have glimpsed it and lost it so quickly. it felt like what forever would be like. turns out it's what like five weeks feels like, if that.
what a tool. i wish he was an asshole. then it would be easy to be angry and never look back. but his biggest fault is that he is a flake, or as nina says, that he doesn't follow through.
and after ALLLLLLL that communication in the beginning, then there was no more. but instead, he's a super sweet guy, who just doesn't get it. or maybe he gets it, but doesn't get me. or he gets me, and i just don't get him. it doesn't really matter at all.
it all seemed so perfect from so far away. a perfect fucking match.
but not up close. and not now.
oh, well...
i don't yet know what will happen if/when he decides to call me or ask me to do something. but i am done with being the one asking, and really can't fathom him doing anything of the like.
and i feel (again - maybe for real this time?) that the next time will be the time i can say something to him, because i kinda don't expect to see him or talk to him again, so it's not like every other time i chickened out, when i felt like i'd either scare him off or make him like me less by talking about things that would be unpleasant. that i'd risk losing the next time i could be spending with him.
i feel like i have nothing to lose now, only closure to gain.
and i guess that is what signals some kind of an end, right? the closure? i'm thinking that the answer is yes.
there was other stuff i wrote to her, but that's the gist of it.
hopefully i can put all of this behind me in two weeks when i go home.
i'll get excited about going home once i get work sorted. that's the biggest stress this week.
i fear all that time spent in the pool, where all i have to do is think.
i hate the discomfort. i've been in it for a while now. the one where no song is the right song to hear. no show is the right show to watch. everything feels wrong, including silence. it's making me absolutely sick. at least once a day, i feel like i need to throw up. luckily i hate throwing up enough to talk my stomach out of it. today it happened when i got into my car to leave work. i blame it on anxiety.
all i can do is try to drink and smoke and sleep through it. and i know that is wrong. but it is what is getting me by.
one day i won't feel sick when i pass that exit. one day i won't feel sick when i hear most of the songs i've had on repeat since may. one day i won't think about everything we talked about. one day i won't randomly burst into the sad variety of tears at a single thought that runs through my brain. one day i won't feel the loss anymore.
but that day is not today. maybe tomorrow. maybe a week or a month or a year from now. it feels, from the bottom, like it will be forever. but i know that isn't true. it was only a fucking month! and if it's about half lives, then this should be over by now, because it's been three months from the start, and only the first was good and worth the pain i'm feeling now. and how shitty that, in hindsight, i don't think it was even worth it.
some point between half life and a year ought to suffice. at least i have two weeks of shit, two weeks of home, and two more weeks of shit before everything goes back to normal at work, which coincides with the weather cooling, and everything outside quieting down, while everything at work goes back to being hectic craziness that i enjoy best.
i worked an 11 and a half hour day yesterday. and i was so close to finishing the day out, when the dj decided that the best song to play at that exact moment in time was wreckless eric's 'whole wide world'. i burst into tears, excused myself from the store, and had a cry. i was on my bike ten minutes later, riding home with aubree.
the whole time thinking, 'get bent, tax man.'
time. time will fix this.
that, and time AWAY.
this will be yet another trip where i vow to move home, thinking it will all be so much easier from there. like mom can somehow fix everything that i can't seem to fix on my own. that having aubree and my family and brownies and nina right there to lean on will make tolerating the heat totally worth it.
sell the house, take the money and run. start over.
i fear that as well. because i know i can't do it. but it always feels so easy at home. and all i want is something EASY.
my house got tagged while nina was here. i saw it for the first time yesterday, bringing in the garbage cans.
i hate my goddamn neighborhood.
and when i get like this? i just. want. OUT.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)