i can't stuff this down
i can't digest it.
i can't even choke it down.
i'm a pill. i'm bitter
because i can't win
because my wishes never came true.
throw up, start again
heysatan.
maybe next year.

rtw 117.

12/2/09 hair.

recently my hair was cut. too too short. i'd been growing it out for so long. my instructions were perfectly fucking clear. i didn't mince words. i didn't use non descriptive words.

don't take any length off the front. cut downward. at an angle. so that the back is short and the front is still long. IGNORE MY BANGS. DO NOT CUT IT TO MY BANGS. just a trim. short in the back, long in the front.

and goddammit if he didn't cut it straight around my head to match my bangs. and, at the, the BACK IS STILL LONGER! what the fuck???

all for money. i gave up pretty eyebrows and a precision cut to save $30-$50, give or take.

i missed the scalp massage of ladies with long, fake fingernails. the best part of the haircut.

all for $50? missing the payoff of six months' refusal to cave to my want of shorter hair. NOT WORTH IT. i will not make the same mistake again.

rtw 42.

12/2/09 fears

SPIDERS
dying
plane crashing
car accidents
loved ones dying
the dark, sometimes
heights, sometimes
safety issues
failure
too late - time is running out
ugly baby
babies
rejection
past mistakes' toll on my life
losing sight
losing hearing
growing old
senility
alzheimers
paranoia
schizophrenia
manic
cancer
losing the diamond from my ring

rtw 41. part 4.

12/2/09 free association - boil

boil.
bubble
fester
zit
blemish
bad skin
ugh.
gross
disgusting
on the stove
that's better
water
in a pot
set to boil
bubble
simmer
burn
turn it down
cook slower
stew
stewed tomatoes
what else?
this face mask
i can't breathe
but better than
breathing bad things in!
children
chatter
chattering
are we in the air yet?
cute at first
but after 5 mins,
10 mins, 15 mins?
not so much
descending.