most of a letter to my nina. october 18th.

i still cannot believe i turned into this person. at the gym, i now position myself to watch baseball games. and sometimes football. everything real needs sound, so it doesn't work. i also usually watch infomercials, especially on sundays.

i want p90x. and the insanity workout. i want the ninja, but i'd settle for the magic bullet. when we finally have cash to paint this place, i want that kickass painting thing that looks like a spade. and that nuwave oven blows my MIND...

but back to today, i'm getting a couple things for myself today. because i deserve them. i'm going to look for a new 'self-help' book. to add to my collection. pretty much every book i buy is one of three things: self help, astronomy, or psychology. i want a workbook like the artists way, but for working through my issues.

then i'm going to ac moore to buy a big huge canvas (big huge to me is like 24 x 36) to paint on. i know kinda what i want to put on it. but i have to set up a still life, and buy the things that are in it (red velvety fabric, tall chianti bottle).

i had a pretty big talk with him last night. after a day spent talking to kit. it was funny, we went to lunch (a new saturday tradition) and she said 'i'm not letting you go home yet'. so i went to her house and watched cable tv. i wrote and watched tv while she worked on her work. and then had a big conversation about deadlines and goals i need to set for myself, and what i have to talk to him about.

so that was good. came home. talked to him for a while. poor dude was totally sideswiped. didn't see it coming. and was stoooooned. but we agreed to finish the conversation today. the first part was productive.

he's going to pay the bills for the next three weeks, so he can see how expensive our life is. by the end of the year, i want him to be prepared to pay half of the bills/expenses, as if he was my roommate. he's going to take at least a 15 minute break in his day to clean up around the house, most likely doing dishes. he's going to clean up after his friends. he's going to wash and dry the laundry. he's going to take better care of the dog. and one night a week, he's going to cook dinner for me.

and that's just the beginning.

i told him that i feel like his mom. he tried to deny, at which point i said, 'what did your mom do? she woke up, went to work, came home, cooked dinner, did dishes, cleaned the house, cleaned up after you, went to bed, did it again. and if you had friends over, she cleaned up after them, too. how am i NOT your mom? you are a grown man, it's time to start taking care of yourself.'

over dinner, i asked him what his perfect wife would be. to which he replied, 'you.' i told him we aren't going to get anywhere if he isn't honest, and that being lazy right now isn't the best idea, bc i'm trying to work this out with him. so he said, 'she'd be less stubborn, would have sex more often, and would answer my calls'.

he called me on my 'girl date' yesterday and i didn't answer, intentionally. because i should be able to leave the house for part of a day and just talk to him when i get home.

so i told him that my perfect husband bathes every day, changes his clothes every day. helps me clean the house, cooks dinner for me, and lets me have my dream. works and makes enough money that i could have my own cafe and not worry about making ends meet. and who sleeps in the bed.

there was more than that, but that's what i remember.

he asked why it was so important to me that he bathe and change his clothes. i said 'you're not a squatter punk. you're not a homeless man. you're not a touring musician. you should know how to take care of yourself by now. it's not ok to be dirty. it's not ok to smell bad.'

i'm laughing now at seeing it all in writing. thankfully.

otherwise, i think i'd be crying.

it was good for me. but he was completely overwhelmed. something funny happened. when i said clean the house, he said 'i was going to clean the office today'. (but then smoked weed instead? most likely...). i said 'in what way, like pick things up?' he started explaining how he was going to organize the shelves in here.

i said, 'no. i mean CLEANING. you know, vacuum, dust, mop. clean.' and he actually said 'the house is clean, what are you talking about?'

i haven't cleaned the floors/vacuumed in like 3 weeks, at least. maybe 4. it is DIRTY. the whole house is. i get too overwhelmed at the size of the task to actually do it. at about this point, i get so disgusted, i finally cave and work through it. alone. he'll tell me he's going to help me. but never does.

our friend brings his puppy over and he and our puppy have a peeing/pooping contest (his actually pooped down the stairs one day! lol) in every room of the house. and it's been raining for like a week now, so the first floor is nasty. i haven't cleaned the bathrooms in 3 weeks. just think about a bunch of boys using two bathrooms. for 3 weeks. it's GROSS.

anyways, i had to explain to him that i don't want to get sick. and that it's just gross to be dirty. it's not our apartment anymore. this is our HOUSE. and we have to take care of it.

am i crazy? should i HAVE to be telling him these things? SERIOUSLY? he's three years older than me. he should have that much more motivation to be something that resembles an adult.

i'm not my mom. she cleaned our house top to bottom every week growing up, and made us help. i'm not like that. there's no need to be THAT clean.

but i can't live like this either. i'm too much a germaphobe now, and it's flu season, and our house is a hub. a hub of dirty dirty boys who don't bathe or wash their hands.

i also said, 'i feel like you're trying to be 'cool' in front of the dudes, by bragging about how long you can go without bathing and changing clothes.'

how did this become my life?

like ani said, 'it's like a running joke, it's really not funny.'

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