dreams. december 11th.

what is there to say?

i have broken his heart because he knows that i've at least entertained the idea of calling it quits.

there are some things to think about...

we are both lonely. we aren't feeling loved. or appreciated. we are both critics, defensive. flooded emotionally when we fight. not even fight. discuss. argue. whatever.

he took something i said as him holding me back.

because i said that i have a dream, too. and that i thought it would have happened by now. it was my birthday. and birthdays tend to be heavy times for me. when i evaluate my life and check its pulse and pressure. and then have a subsequent meltdown because of missed milestones that i'd wanted to have passed by now.

and that i can't accomplish my dream if i keep doing what i'm doing. that i was around people who were living their dreams this week, and that it was inspiring. and that it wasn't the first time.

he said on a 1 to 10 scale, that he is a 3 as far as how bad our issues are. and i said sometimes they're a 7 or an 8 for me, and sometimes only a 3 or 4, that it fluctuates. and he was so sad. because it doesn't feel that bad to him. and i don't know how he can be so lonely and feeling underappreciated, and not be so bad for him. maybe that it has something to do with him having it easier than me until now. and that i'm the one putting my dream off for him. and that i don't know if it would be different if he was letting me have mine, but that it probably wouldn't feel as bad.

he just didn't know or expect it. rightfully so. i mean, how could he? he didn't know.

but he did learn that he stonewalls me, which he says that i do, too. i only missed by one question, qualifying, so he's not so far off.

he wants me to see a therapist. he wants me to get medicated.

the thing is: we are both living these sad lives. and i don't want to be this sad all the time. i mean, just yesterday i was writing that i prefer being sad, because i am inspired when i'm heartbroken, and prolific. it's ok in small doses, but not on this scale. not swimming in it.

he minimized my going home to soul search and think. and discounted the time i spent there, down from trying to think outside the situation, to just hanging out with friends and family. he didn't understand my analogy. it's just an intense situation that you have to stand out of, so that you can figure out what's going on, what to do about it, and how to fix it.

what i know is this. i have made a pact with myself. in one year. if i am not happier than i am now, i will do something to change my situation. it is a generous amount of time, i thought. nina and my sister concur. i think i will have an idea by summer.

he is losing me. i've drifted so far away now that it would take heroic efforts to get me back. i don't know that there's any coming back from this. but i am willing to stick it out and try harder.

i know that my life has changed. i know that i figured out so many things about myself. maybe it was kenna's story. about being married for so many years, realizing that she wasn't in love and couldn't keep doing it, and that she wasn't happy. i want to say that she said that, within 6 months, it was over. and that it wasn't until then that she could really learn who she was as a person. and that it was when she was either 32 or 33.

i know that i want to travel more. i know that i have fun with my family. that i love being home. that home is where my family is, not where i live now. i know that i was too excited to sleep, days before i went home. that i didn't waste time sleeping while i was there. i only got an average of 4 hours of sleep a night, for 6 nights in a row. that when i left there, i cried inconsolably. and that i was filled with dread at returning here. and that when i arrived, i cried three times, because i was back to this life.

i am so full of life. i need so much more than this. i need love, and fun. that i love to be in the sun, and near the water, and that i always give that up for him. i know that i love the beach and traveling. that i love road trips and mini adventures. that i love being with my family and my nina, and that i don't want to spend so much time away from them. my grandparents are all getting so old, and i know i don't have much time left. and that i hate losing time with them by being here.

i don't want to move home. i did for a minute there. at first, because it's instinctive. but also, to go back to school and get a business degree to put myself in a better position for what i want to do someday. which feels like it is getting further away. but i don't think that's a viable option.

i guess that i thought i'd be somewhere else in my life right now. and i told him that it's not that i want to be alone or somewhere else with someone else (which, unfortunately, is not true, but i couldn't tell him that, and won't ever), but that i chose this path with him, and it didn't lead where i thought it would. that in the beginning of the path, i didn't realize what i was giving up by choosing a different path. that it's not that i think my life would be better, just different. that i've always had this dream, and that i can visualize it, and that i want it, and that nothing i'm doing right now is going to lead me there. and that i can wait. and that i will wait, and that i have waited.

and also that i don't think that if the roles were reversed, and he was waking up and going to work everyday, that i'd be magically happy. but that it would probably make me a 3 and him the 7. he tried to say again that he didn't know that there were money issues, which i corrected. again. because he said he knew when we bought the house that everything stopped flowing in.

i hate that part of my parents' support for this rethinking phase of my marriage involves him not having a clock in job. my dad really takes an issue and knows not to ask me, but still does mention it from time to time. and i know that he thinks about that alot.

i just feel right now that i married the wrong guy. nina said something so valid, that it bears repeating. she said that, the day of my wedding, she knew me really well, and that she didn't have this feeling. i was marrying this guy that she didn't really know very well, and she didn't have that general feeling of him being the perfect guy for me, and that it didn't make sense to know me for so many years, and not to think 'THIS is the guy she's supposed to marry.'

i had that feeling at her wedding. but she didn't have it at mine.

and that meant alot, in hindsight. of course, i had no idea at the time, and maybe she didn't either, yet, consciously. but she said it to me when i saw her, and it made too much sense.

i just got tired of waiting for the boy i was supposed to marry. i was in some rush to do this, and i don't know why. it makes me want to yell at young girls who run around so excitedly at their bachelorette parties. don't do it. just wait. there is no rush. don't do it.

i have this guy friend who told me a few years ago that he never wanted to be married. and i could never understand that. i really struggled with it, because he is such a good friend, and so much like me, and i didn't get why he would feel that way. he is SUCH a catch.

and it was just a matter of time. i really feel now like i should only have been married when i wanted to have a baby. i don't even know why, maybe traditional standards. but until then, if that day ever came, i shouldn't have been.

and i don't think that i would choose it again, if this does in fact end.

this isn't some tiny little daydream. the book i got for kit said that something like 72% of women think about leaving their husbands, while only like 28% of men think about leaving their wives. i wish i had the book in front of me. i mean, these poor women. who never do anything to change their situation, except think.

honestly, in my mind and heart it is over. because i knew when i came back that i can't be happy with him, not like i was, not like i want to be. he isn't it for me, and he doesn't do that to me. i had a little taste, a sip, of that feeling. for one night. and it made me thirst for it again. like, i really WANT it for myself.

and i can only picture seeking it out initially in the same old way, pseudo-obsessing again, living back home for a bit to feel it out, only i want to leave there. i want to run away. i want to go on a road trip, and start over somewhere else. and i want to take that boy with me.

i know that i am acting stupidly, on a whim. because of the way i can still feel inside, given the right person and situation. because this, immediately, is based on a falsified feeling, gleaned to get a reaction out of me. i am such a pro at reacting. at times, he's been like a puppeteer. and i wanted so badly to think that he had changed, and that he meant what he was saying. enough to do something about it. but it didn't happen. and i wasted a birthday cake candle wish on him. again. for maybe the sixth birthday of my life. all those wasted wishes, all those years wasting away.

and i don't think it will ever happen. in fact, i have been telling myself that i will probably never see him in person again. just to try to calm my fleeing mind. because i can't let myself go there. but everything in me is trying to trick me into doing it. all these little seeds that were planted years ago. weeding them for years, but never growing the plant. and never discarding it either.

it's keeping me up at night.

'and there's no blame
for how our love did slowly fade...
and now that it's gone,
it's like it wasn't there at all.
and here i rest
where disappointment and regret collide,
lying awake at night.'

that ben gibbard. <3

a last cigarette before i end this. i have to limit myself. tomorrow is going to be a big day for me, a long day. and i want to be well rested. one more day until i can sleep away part of my day.

i have so many things to say now. i want to write them all out because they are so real. fresh wounds. and i'm learning so much about myself. i love to write. in a few weeks, i'll be making art again, with kit. and starting to plan my path to my dream.

and whoever walks down the path with me, if i'm not alone, will not be there unless they are helping me get to my destination. because life is too short.

it's too short to give up on pieces of yourself that define you, and that always have.

i'd like to think that i'd just want to be alone. for a long time. but that when i was ready that i'd be thinking this way:

i'm in search of one hopeless romantic who doesn't think that the world lets you live on our love alone, but who wants to see me through. who makes me melt again, the places that have frozen over. to inspire me, and make me better. to bring me up, not hold me back. not drag me down. i want to be free to go and see things and just wander around.

i'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. and so much smarter now.

1 comment:

  1. I love you. Whatever happens, I'm here if you need anything.