letter to nina:
i thought i could make it through today without crying. but sitting in
neighboring yards sipping coffee and talking all day brought tears to
i'm home. in bed.
i ate something that wasn't ok to eat yesterday. all day at work today, feeling like i was punched in the stomach. and came straight home.
it literally JUST started raining. smells like hot pavement and musty rain.
i ate three tums on my way home from work and a small loaf of french bread.
i am determined to feel better.
i'm gonna lay here until i do.
god, last night was the worst. actually, sunday was the worst. but last night was pretty sad.
i count the days til i get you back.
she was giving feedback on that post i wrote late last night, technically this morning.
it felt really good to get that all out of my system.
all of that anger.
and a bunch of sadness.
i spent most of my day today reading old posts, in preparation for the book i'm putting together now.
i figure that, until i am inspired with a new story (i DID have an idea today, walking to catch the bus to work) i will edit down the divorce book that is comprised of posts and the stories and exercises i've written since october.
i've been working on it already, i'm about 50 pages into editing. but kinda fine-tuning. and seeing what works, what doesn't. what needs to be changed, slightly. or eliminated altogether.
it's funny, when i wrote that first story, i was so into it. i mean, really thought it was awesome.
and now i read it, and it just needs a LOT of help. so i'm revamping as i go. so they are fluid and pretty. the way i intended them to be.
listening to owen.
i really like him. sometimes he's a little too intentionally hoarse. but for the most part, i love listening to him whine about life. this is probably the first time i've listened to two albums all the way through.
it's crazy to me. i've written more on paper lately than on here, because of being stuck at work for hours with nothing to do but read and write. and nowhere to plug in. so it's all analog.
and i just feel like i get so far on paper. hours of writing. and the thought of digitizing is just horrible.
i don't know. besides getting a little homesick for nina today, i had a pretty decent day, emotionally.
really, i think all that virtual yelling helped me to remain calm today. i was angry this morning, about work, at work. because i hate wasting my time. i hate wasting money. and i am keenly aware of doing both for several hours a day right now. and there is no way to get out of it.
but, it is only for two more days. and then two weeks of bullshit will be behind me.
i finally cleaned up after all that weekend cooking today. i was having a staring contest with the dishes since saturday. i finally broke my gaze. dirty dishes won.
i was tempted to start packing. but i really succeeded in not unpacking a bunch of things i don't need. and not bringing things from the house that i didn't need.
so i really can't pack yet. and it's good, mostly. but also a little frustrating. because i want to feel ready to go.
how funny that i'll be in the new place on mayday.
there's something to look forward to...