burn you up. june 23rd.

let's try this again. sleep would be good. if i could get some.

so today was day three. i wake up in the morning. and the pillow that i curl up with to fall asleep at night? i'm on top of it. completely. usually i wake up nowhere near it. or it's at my head. or my arm is around it the way i fell asleep.

but not this week. this week, my upper body is completely on top of it.

today i was thinking, as i will be for the next six days, that i don't know if i remember how to kiss. every time i mention this, i hear, 'don't be ridiculous.' one time, alice even said, 'it's like riding a bike. you never forget.'

i'm too excited.

i'm making plans and i'm so ready to see everyone.

i talked to aubree on the phone today for probably two hours.

blathering on about work and the divorce, and plans for when i'm there. what we'll do together. when she'll be around. stuff like that.

and i'm even MORE excited now, because she's going to see the tattoo guy either tonight or tomorrow to make our appointments for our sister tattooes.

i drew this girl in a journal a long time ago. a little line drawing of a girl sitting under an apple tree, only the apple is a heart, and she's wearing headphones. the style is completely borrowed from nina's, but i love it even though it's unoriginal to my own self.

if money was no object, i'd let nina draw a million things for me and get them all tattooed on my body.

aubree loved this one, and we've talked about getting it for over a year, more like two years.

and we're finally going to do it.

i'm getting it for her. and because it's pretty little, about the size of a half dollar, and because the guy charges a minimum, i'm going to push my luck and see how much i can get out of it.

i have wanted this little heart on the pad of my ring fingertip for months. i saw it, and it's so cute. and i want it.

i can't find the picture anywhere. it's just a little black outline. tiny.

and now that it's no longer my ringed finger, i think that putting a little heart there has even more meaning to me.

and while he's at it, i'll take as many little random stars as he'll give me.

it's all one color. it's all line work, they're all tiny.

anywhere he'll stick them, i'll take them.

and i cannot swing it this trip, like i can't swing the skydiving adventure, but she's also going to ask about the half sleeve.

kenna would have my head. but when i'm ready, i think i have my local tattoo girl, and i will work on getting that. i love the thought of white ink on my skin. i love the drawing. and i think it would look really really pretty.

in the meantime, i'll just take 874509875 random little stars.

and aubree's favorite hair girl is excited to meet me and cut my hair, so i know it will be something cute. i've been wanting to chop it all off. because it's already summer swampy hot here, and i always attempt to grow my hair out in the summer. i don't know why. i guess it has to be this way, so that in the winter it will be long.

it's almost to my shoulders. i want it halfway down my back, like it was in high school. i hope i make it. only time will tell. in a week, i might be close to clipped completely.

there was this girl at the anarchist bookstore and she had the most insanely cute haircut. super short. super cropped. but so feminine and just to die for. kit and i both wanted it.

don't do it. patience, lady. just let the hair grow. it'll be worth it.

back to vacation.

i just want to be there. it's all i think about, all day, everyday.

i took care of so much shit today.

the catering job lady kinda flipped out on me, i think. it didn't translate through email, but she was being bitchy because i was telling her we have to set up a little early. she flipped that the coffee would be cold. and then sent another email. and then sent a third that said 'read first' and it said that she would be using a different caterer.

so, WIN. but i know she's pissed about it.

i doubt she's as angry at me as i am pissed at their entire school. but it hardly matters.

and i'm also hoping those shifts i have to cover will not be a problem, because kenna is in agreement that we should shut it down.

our labor is fifty percent. it's ridiculous. and it's making me stress on so much shit. so if it closes for a while, then all the better. i'll actually be able to vacate on my vacation.

my working vacation.

i set up a phone conference for tomorrow, so we can hopefully close that store. ugh.

i mailed the check to the lawyer. and texted ever about the marriage certificate so i can file.

i asked if he was going to email it to me, or if i was going to have to come to the house. because i think he'll avoid that at any cost, so i thought it would get a prompt reaction, unlike my demanding emails.

and wouldn't you know, he got right back to me, saying he just got back into town, and that he was without internet for a few days and would respond to my emails.

i don't think i believe him, i don't really believe him if he's speaking anymore, but i just told him to not worry about the emails i sent, only getting me the cert.

and i mailed out all my work related paperwork. finally. and also my credit card bill and retirement account info.

so it was a good day.

all day today, i had thao's new album stuck in my brain. there's this song, 'burn you up'. it is my new favorite song.

i've latched on to the new album, and i'm not letting go.

i can't understand why i didn't love it immediately. i knew i needed time to settle into it.

i think it's because i prefer her acoustic and alone. and because this is very band-driven, i think it threw me off. it's also very upbeat. and, with my upward shift in mood lately, it suits me perfectly.

and in reading the liner notes, i realized that both laura viers and tuneyards are on it.

pretty awesome.

all day, that song just repeats in my head. and i listened to her once through at work. and i would listen to only that, all day every day, if i could, without making other people annoyed.

there's another song, too. i go back and forth. it's called 'trouble was for'. the first line is, 'everybody please put your clothes back on', which has been cracking me up since my first listen.

i think that what i love about the cd is that it is all about sex. about sleeping with boys and getting caught up in it. sad sex, happy sex. casual sex. and then missing all the sex. good, bad, or indifferent.

and the line in that song that gets me is, 'you wanna go home. you won't take me, too..' and then, 'don't you wanna come home with me?'

it's just so playful and cute.

i watched the videos i took at the show. and i'm beating myself up about it now. i had no idea i'd get the set list. but i was only recording like ten seconds of each song so i'd know the set. and just when you start to figure out what song it is and what's happening, it is over.

i have maybe twenty clips. and i'm really sad that i didn't aim for a whole song. but now i know. maybe next time.

in forty five minutes, i'll be two short days from home. really, i'm two days now. because i'll be on the ground on the other end of the line.

i sent another text message tonight. a text to coffee.

in the scrabble game i had to start, in order to continue the party planning, he asked if tuesday was good. i said perfect. and he dropped his number. so i texted him and said that this was my number...see you tuesday.

i just keep thinking about the friday night invite. i mean, i don't know what's behind trying to see me my first day in town, which happens to be on a friday night. maybe it was just really convenient for him. but it is messing with me. maybe his girlfriend is out of town until saturday. or maybe, what i think is right. no boy with a girlfriend goes out with another girl on a friday night. i can't shake it off.

that, and the fact that it feels like a date, even though i'm not thinking it is. and not wanting it to be. there's a time and flirting and a place. and a date. which technically makes it a date. or just game night with only one old friend. but still. the dress will dispell any doubt he might have about whether he made a date with me.

i should re-read what i wrote last night. i usually do that, just to make sure i'm not repeating. i'm offline with this stupid piece of shit laptop, and i can't get online to check it.

it's a drag.

i do enjoy writing in a notepad and then uploading. i tend to lose a lot less that way. but not being online is pretty rough.

oh, florida. you are so close.

i guess i've decided to be a little less private these days.

i keep accidentally calling people by their names and having to edit them out later. for so long, since i've kept this blog, i have thought of my friends in terms of their blogger names. now i'm putting their real names on blogger. silly lady.

so today i got beat by a four year old. nina cracked me up, telling me that her daughter has already packed her suitcase. two weeks ahead of her trip to nin'a parents when nina comes back with me. i'd feel less silly packing a week in advance. except i've got twenty eight years on her. and i should know better.

tomorrow is laundry day. then i think it will really set in. because after work tomorrow, i will pack all the other things that i have been waiting to pack, due to wear and use.

i'm so close now. make it through tomorrow, and i should be pretty golden.

friday will drag. but i have so much to do that i think i'll be okay.

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