climax. june 19th.

well, there's a lot to say...

no shortage of words here.

i think i'll start with the fresh wound, and work my way backwards.

because it's always better to get the shit out of the way first, then top it off with a lot of good.


so i just hopped onto facebook. and saw sixty pictures taken at my house on thursday night.

for the potluck i was not invited to. with a lot of the friends he won in the divorce in the backround.

it made my stomach hurt. it almost made me cry.


three bands i would have loved to have seen, and one solo artist i have yet to see, that i would kill for. who is one of the lesbians who would kick my fucking ass if i ever tried to see.


this is what i miss from my old life.

maybe it was a fundraiser. maybe this is why he dropped me as a friend.

it's hard, you know? to lose this part of my life.


fuck ever. i just miss that stuff.

so he wins. sigh...

he probably took extra pleasure knowing that i would see it. because i sent him an email yesterday. it read a lot like this:


i was hoping to hear from you about the questions i asked earlier this week.

i'm going next week to file the uncontested divorce order, and want to settle all the details with you beforehand, so that there are no surprises and no issues when it comes to you in the mail.

this lawyer seems to think that mediation shouldn't be necessary if you and i agree on all terms.

i'm paying him $500 to file the order for me.

i intend to leave the business out of the agreement, but in exchange, i want you to put in writing what you agree to about the house, so that we are on the same page.

based on the discussions we've had, the items to include are:

responsibility for financial obligations and maintenance on the property in exchange for my name and social security number staying on the mortgage, and not listing the house ahead of schedule.

our lease agreement: that i will be notified of, and have the option to sign, any and all lease changes.

rental income arrangement: how much you agree to pay to me of what you receive in rent. you had previously mentioned $500 a month.

that i will stay on the mortgage for two years, when the house goes on the market if you are unable to buy the house by that time.

repayment of credit card debt in the amount of $10k, to be taken from the equity when the house is sold.

repayment to my parents of the $30k they put into the house and down payment, taken from the equity when the house is sold.

a 50/50 split of the amount left over from the sale, between you and i.

anything else you want to make a condition, feel free to add it so that we can discuss it.

if you are able, it would be best to have this over the weekend, so that i can go to the lawyer's office before i go out of town on friday.

and if you have a better idea than this, please let me know. this is the best i've found in the time i've spent looking these past couple weeks since we talked.

tea


so there. i was really angry when i wrote that. and exhausted. it was very cut and dry. straight and to the point.

i'm making my appointment, hopefully for monday or tuesday.

and when i go, if i haven't heard from him, i'll probably adjust a couple things. like the length of time he has to buy me out. and maybe something else, too. like the business end of things.

we will see.

wonder which person in the pictures is the paralegal. maybe he was the one holding the pipe, smoking weed? yeah. nice.


okay. that out of my system. it only took a tiny bit of wind out of my sails from the day i have had today.

today, i biked the path with kit. it was incredible. we rode so happily for a long time. almost got to the halfway point, where we were going to have some water and recharge, before finishing up the path and coming back.

and then, her tire popped. and it put a small damper on the speed with which we were moving, but i still had fun. and though she wasn't planning to spend $25 on her bike today, she seemed to be pretty excited despite it. plus, the boy who fixed it showed her how, in case it happens again.

then we rode back to the place she bought it, had them tune it up, and we grabbed lunch at whole paycheck (whole foods buffet-style bar).

we were too hungry, and i hate spending so much money there, but the lunch was exactly what i needed to feel great.

i had a banana today. and that mammoth salad, with only chickpeas and edamame to throw off the diet. but i guess i should mention that i'm done with the diet. i still need to avoid beer until home, but i reached my goal, and i'm really proud of myself, and now i can eat healthy things like fruit and beans.

i still can't go wild with popcorn and chips and everything else i'm dying for, like ice cream, but i am going to try to be this healthy until i get back.

and then, the battle will begin again.


speaking of going home...

so when i got back from the ride, i cleaned the apartment top to bottom in preparation for nina coming back with me. i had to clean slate it today, so that on friday, i can just do a couple things before getting on the plane. i am so fucking EXCITED.

ugh.

ok.

so i set up that scrabble game with coffee days ago. and i was carefully timing it, playing only one word a day, and having a conversation with him in scrabble chat at the same time. i needed the game to last long enough to set myself up to ask him out for a drink when i get there. and i also intend to let him win this one, i think. we will see. i have stats to uphold.

but, he set me up. and i fucking ran with it.

it is done, in my eyes. i brushed my hands, and patted myself on the back. bragged to kit and nina and nate. and now i wait.

basically, he was talking trash. i called him on it. he called me miss tea, which makes me wonder if he noticed the name change. and said he always talks trash. to which i said that i think he needs to back up those words when i'm home in a week, and that we'll see who wins. mano a mano.

which almost read, mano y mano, because that's how i've always said it. thinking it meant man against man, despite two semesters of spanish in college. luckily, kit corrected me before i sent it (i needed encouragement. i was scared...). because mano y mano means 'hand and hand'. although this is more the sentiment i want to experience, hand to hand is the way the saying goes.


maybe all of this had to happen today because of the dream i had last night. maybe it was the exhilaration of nutritious carbs following a killer bike ride.

the dream was fantastic. he was in it. duh. and he was being very cute with me. we were with a bunch of people, i think my family, other friends that i don't know.

and he kept brushing my neck with his nose and smelling me. over and over. and telling me how good i smelled. and kissing my neck. oh. mah. gawd.

and smelling my hair. and touching me. and eventually, touching me. and then i woke up with a coffee headache of all coffee headaches. somehow i forgot to premedicate last night, when i knew i was sleeping in as long as my head would let me.

because when you work in coffee, and wake up retarded early five days a week, and feed yourself coffee by eight every day, sometimes earlier, your body thinks it needs it at that time on the weekend.

and let me tell you, it was just getting started when i woke up from that amazing dream. so i took motrin. and if i hadn't, when i got up at 1030, it would have been a migraine and the bike ride never would have happened.


and yes, i got a little sloppy last night. accidentally.

i had a drink alone for the first time. and what was awesome was that it was great. i went to the bar that i frequent. kit is on a first name basis with everyone there, because she has gone for the years that she lived in her old apartment. and i know their names, but they don't know my name yet, as far as i know. i'm new blood still.

anyways, i got a stoli and diet, and sat at a table and wrote in my journal for probably 45 minutes, nursing the drink.

and it felt just like old times. i kept expecting some random regular to come and light at my table, and strike up conversation. because that is what happened when i used to go to the coffee shop where coffee the boy worked. only no one did. and i was happy. and i was content. and i was writing so much my hand went numb today. but most importantly, i was COMFORTABLE.

i have all this anxiety about doing things alone. and though going to the bar isn't something i should necessarily be doing alone often, it's something i have only done one other time alone, and that time i freaked the fuck out.

it was right after i left ever, to celebrate finishing the novel. and it was awful. anxiety central.

but last night was great.

and then kit showed up. and that was fun, too.

we talked a while, she ordered a beer. and hated it and couldn't drink it. so after two stolis, i drank her beer.

note to self: mixing is baaaaaad.


i wasn't hammered, or dizzy, or sick. but i know for certain that i was fine before the beer. maybe only slightly more giggly.

and i was not so much, after.


in any case, i had a beer. i think my body was like, 'we MISS this shit! wheee!'


then i came home. alone, of course.


and had that dream.


i don't know. some nights, i think about intern. and most nights, i think about coffee. and daydream a little before falling asleep.

i really don't stray too far from that.


the other day, kit had a crisis. when we came back from dark sky, i had driven us, and we rolled into our neighborhood on literally the most insane day of the year.

there's this african heritage festival. the entire city flocks to our neighborhood. parking was a fucking disaster, i parked like four blocks from home. maybe five. really really bad.

but kit didn't need her car. so she didn't use it.

and then, on wednesday, after almost a week of not seeing it, she decided to check on it.

it was gone.

she called me in a panic. i unsuspectingly answered the phone, 'ooot oooooooot' in my usual chipper call.

and she said, 'my fucking car is GONE. my car is gone.'

it was awful. i told her to calm down so much that she wanted to hit me. i could see it flickering in her eyes.

i got my car from all those blocks away, and picked her up, thinking that she had just forgotten where she parked it, and that we could cover more ground by driving around the neighborhood.

i reminded her about the festival and that it probably got towed. that i wouldn't go home until she had her car back.

so she's on the phone with the parking authority, who had most likely towed it for the festival. i asked if she wanted me to just head to the impound lot, and she held her hand up to silence me, because a human got on the phone. as she's telling the woman her tag number, i pull up right next to her car.

i still don't know what kismet directed me straight to it. but in under five minutes, i had found it on the street, where they had towed it. for the festival.


i tell this story, because after she got the car back, i jumped in it to help her find a spot to park.

and we come to this stoplight a few blocks from my apartment. and there's this boy pulling up to the stoplight as our light turned green. and he was so cute.

i smiled at him, because i couldn't help it. and i turned to kit to alert her to the hottie while she made the turn. i looked back and he waved at me and smiled. i waved back and giggled like crazy.

it was awesome.

first time i can think of that i did that. flirted with random cutie driving his car. and actually waved. i'm such a chicken shit.

i hope i see him again. moptop blondie with nice eyes. and a fantastic smile. mmmm.


all of that drama, for three seconds' worth of flirty goodness.


i don't know. since dark sky, i feel like my life has been on track. every day has been productive and great. i'm happy. i feel good about myself because i have will power like nothing i've ever seen. and i hit my goal and feel ready for anything.

which is good, because i might need it in the next hour. or in the next week. or in the next two weeks.


i don't know. waiting for this response is going to kill me, most likely. if he says yes, i'll die. if he says no, i'll die inside.

and regardless, there are technicalities to work out and numbers to exchange, if he agrees to play in person.


i can downplay it, because i already have plans to play with another boy he knows, who i'm not at all interested in. say something about needing a more evenly matched game after jc mops the floor with me.


**update**


unexpected backfire: last thing i wrote after formally asking him was the mano line. so what does he respond? i ain't afraid of no manos.

now i try to think of the wittiest way to challenge him and tell him i'm holding him to it.

'well, you should be. (was that convincing? not much of a smack-talker)'

or the thing about the even keeled game? does it knock down his pride a bit to mention that he's the second person i'm asking, or downplay it so he's more open to it?


i hate my fucking brain.

now, i eat. and have a drink. and REGROUP.


to which nina says, 'rah rah rah' and 'you didn't mess anything up, it's lovely.'