everything wrong is right again. july 20th.

actually, it isn't necessarily all right again.

but things are a little bit better.

for starters, something has happened at work, which makes me feel better about everything at work.

i think that one big piece of the puzzle for me, so far as moving home goes, is that i didn't have a suitable replacement.

there is one employee who i adore, and who would do a fantastic job if she was in my position. but she was talking about moving away at the end of the summer, so i counted her as a loss, and felt like i had no other choice but to hire outside. if and when i move home.

which feels, every day, like when. not really if.

and then last night, she texted me saying that she would be interested in stealing my job when i leave.

it was random. i'd told her that i'd told kenna about her being the only person i could see doing my job.

and she thought about it, and at nine last night, mentioned it to me.

so i guess that i feel like the pressure is off. i really hate feeling stuck. like things are permanent, and not fixable. and i have said and written that work is my tether to this city.

i felt like i couldn't leave kenna, because she would be hard pressed to keep the company and hire a stranger. the last time she did that, the girl stole thirty thousand dollars from our company over the course of her first four months.

but with this little piece of information, everything feels different now.

i had a rough day today. mostly because i was tired and ate too much sugar, which caused me to crash out at noon. but after i got over that, thanks to a quick smoke break spent texting and talking to kit, i went back to work, and tried to put things into perspective.

kenna will be okay. it's her business. she's had district managers leave before, though not from four states away. and she knows that i wouldn't set her up to fail. i have to also know that i can leave, because it isn't my business. if she can leave and it is her business, i can leave and try not to worry about it.

kit wrote about seven year itches the other day, and i also posted about telling intern that it's hard to do any job for seven years.

and it's true. i don't know what it is about seven years. but i've lived in phila for seven years. and i was married for (very nearly) seven years. i've had this job for seven years.

and suddenly, i can't get out of here fast enough.

now what tethers me to this city is my apartment. i cannot afford to give up the $1400 i dropped to move into this shithole.

so i will have to think about how to fix it by subletting.

i haven't done it before, and i hope to not ever have to do it again. but if i cannot stay here until next summer, i'll have to figure it out.

i was telling kit yesterday that the day i signed the lease for this place, i had all these qualms. i didn't know if it was fear of commitment or that i was settling or that landlord vibed me out.

but now i know that it wasn't a fear of commitment. it was the feeling that this wasn't the right place for me. and i guess i had a clue about landlord being the kind of dude who would come into my apartment twice since i moved in on may 1st.

the kind of dude who doesn't tell you he lives in the building until you move in and he offers to help you.


i don't want to think about it. i've obviously told him not to come into my apartment. and if he does it again, who's to say that wouldn't be grounds for breaking my lease?

again, don't want to deal with the apartment right now.

but in thinking about kenna and my job? that is getting somewhere.

i can't imagine working for someone else. i can't imagine not being the coffee lady anymore. i can't imagine not living in this city. i also can't imagine legally becoming what i once was in terms of surnames, and i can't imagine being a 'divorcee', because at this point it feels like it will go on forever.

everyone has been asking me about it the past couple days.

i don't know why i haven't talked about it or written about it.

but i emailed the lawyer when i got back. i told him that i'd gotten an email from ever threatening not to sign the divorce order. and asked him if he knew when he would receive it, and that hopefully ever will be over this little temper tantrum by then.

he said that he filed with the phila courts while i was home (july 1st) and that once the court processes it, it will be sent back to him. he will in turn send it to ever. and he will keep me posted on all progress.

so that's where that is.

it's been a whole month since i had any correspondence with ever.

it is the most surreal thing. in life, day to day, i don't think of him or miss him or want to call him or email him or text him.

and then i think about it. the one person i spent the last TEN YEARS of my life with, seven years being married to, and i don't even think of him. it's insane.

he wrote me that ridiculous email right before i flew home. and i wrote a response but didn't send it, thinking that when i was off of my vacation, that i'd edit and send it then.

and i decided in the last few days that not only is he not getting that response, but he isn't going to get any.

not even one, like the one he sent me, stating that his lawyers advised him not to put anything in writing.

a childish email like the one he sent me deserves absolutely no response. i will not stoop to his level. he gave twisted versions of the reasons why i left. so clearly he gets it. so clearly i don't need to clarify.

in other news, i have officially given chalk the green light for his visit. he'll be here next weekend, not this coming, but the following.

the end of the month.

i am feeling a lot of different ways about it.

for starters, i'm excited.

if the weekend is anything like those two hours on the pool deck, i'm not going to want to come up for air. but i will. for fear of acclimation difficulties when it's over.

also, in light of certain new addictions to alone time, i think it's going to be quite a bit of fun.

but, also? i'm kinda scared.

having casual, but totally careful, sex is something i am not familiar with. it's something i never thought i would be into, or do.

having a 'fuck buddy' or 'friend with benefits' or 'booty call' are things that i never in a million years thought i would refer to when speaking of my own sex life.

and maybe this will be the one and only. maybe when he leaves, i'll be so mixed up that i won't be able to ever do it again.

part of me is afraid that, just like that makeout session, this weekend with him will leave me wanting more. like, an addiction to replace the current one, wherein i handle things myself.

and i'm nervous.

what if i'm bad at sex? what if i can't keep up with him? what if everything feels different on this turf?

i want to be good and have fun and do it a lot. but what if my body is tired and disagreeable?

will he think of it as a lost cause? a waste of money?

can i let him take me out to a nice dinner and drinks? and not feel like he's in some way paying for sex? i don't know the rules about bed buddies. i'm not hip to this knowledge.

what if all that time with a lazy husband and shitty sex has made me a lazy girl who sucks at sex?

it's a lot of pressure. to be the first one, after the same one for years and years.

i think the only thing that makes me feel better is that he's smart and witty and will make it fun no matter what. he is very into making me feel good, which is something i haven't experienced since 1999. it's refreshing.

i don't know.

it's a lot of stuff to feel out. and the problem with being married is, once you're not, you kinda forget what life is like on the outside. and you don't have something to call normal anymore. because what normal was? it doesn't exist anymore.

so right now, i honestly have no idea what to expect. and i have advisors. but i'm in this one on my own.

it's going to be interesting to say the least. and i'm going to learn a lot, i bet, in two short days.

the parameters have been set. the ticket is being purchased. it is nearly here, too. which is crazy.

i think he's jumping at the chance before i have time to change my mind. little does he know, i do not intend to change my mind. i wouldn't have offered or allowed it if i wasn't up for it.

i just hope i can deal with what happens next.

whatever that is. hookup remorse. sex addiction issues. whatever. the gamut.

i'm in it to win it. i'm in it to feel good and enjoy the freedom i've claimed for myself.

and i will try to worry less and enjoy more.

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