life after vacation. july 12th.

i guess the things that i feel today are mostly physical.

i woke up dried out. i took nina to the airport, and cried a little leaving her at the security checkpoint. it felt like sending a kid off on their first flight alone.

and walking to the car, i was a little shellshocked. no one was following me. no one was next to me. no one was talking to me.

i was alone. for real.

and i got in my car, and cranked sufjan stevens. and drove to work, even though all i wanted at that point was to get in bed and pass out.

i went to work and ran around for a couple hours, more telling stories of my misadventures than anything work related. i'd scheduled myself off, to recover. but like an idiot who has gotten too far behind, i ended up working anyway.

and making my trip to delaware, because it was the only day to do it.

it was good for a lot of reasons.

being alone in my car with my dark sky mix was perfect.

really loud. just me singing at the top of my squeaky-voiced lungs.

but that thing happened again, as it will for the rest of my life. one thing changes and everything loses its old meaning, and has new meaning.

and it makes my stomach sick. i had an almond croissant for breakfast. but really thought i'd throw up if i tried to eat anything else.

all because of intern.

all because of transference.

all because coffee did nothing, which in turn means that he felt nothing. and probably never did, or else he would have had something - anything - to say to me.

it wasn't like i was professing my love to him. but he was looking for a way out of that conversation, and laughing and hmm'ing and haw'ing served its purpose. i couldn't respond and he didn't have to.

and just like when i was home and listening to the mix, every song was so perfectly descriptive of how i was feeling toward him, now that it's all over and said and done with, i'm having the exact same feelings about the way the mix applies to intern.

it's funny. i'd have to go back and read to know how much i've ever written about intern.

but since going home, and deciding that i really want to sleep with this boy, it is all i can think about.

and since coffee is no longer there to distract me, it's all intern all the time.

and since i feel nothing toward coffee anymore, at this moment in time (i'm not so dumb to think that this is actually really over with him), it is only fitting that i select the next boy to be fixated on.

only this is healthier. i thought coffee was my soulmate long lost love of my life one that got away.

intern is simply the boy i want in my bed.

i remember the day that i met him. ever had described him to me as being bro'd out. as in, fraternity.

and the day i met him, i smiled. he was incredibly cute, and the fact that it was my job description to work hand-in-hand with the interns pretty much made my day. ever had picked a girl intern before that, hence his nickname.

and she drove me up a fucking wall.

but this new flesh, he was nice to look at, and he giggled. which is something that makes me swoon. something that i write about pretty often.

so it began. a big fat crush on the intern who worked for my husband.

and a few months later, i started chatting with nina about this overwhelming desire i was having to shove him into a closet and pin him against the wall and make out with him. among other things that came into mind further down the line.

and i had opportunity. ever trusted me completely, and in hindsight, i could be trusted completely. because i squashed every urge in my body to let him in the door when ever left me alone to work with him, and attack him.

i don't know when it was that he started working with us.

but i was starting to have issues with ever. and as shitty as it is, the last few months of bad sex with ever was only helped by me thinking of him while things were shaking out.

i'd close my eyes and just pretend that it was him. because he was the only person that could turn me on, in my mind.

even coffee didn't do that for me. sure, i wanted to kiss him. and roll around in bed with him. but intern was different. i wanted intern to pick me up and carry me to bed.

god. all this soft porn. it's so prevalent in my current walking state, and i guess it's seeping into my writing as well.

i can't stop thinking about it.

and telling the back story now is kindof killing me a little. i am writing a mile a minute, and wishing for him to just come over. right now. because it could happen.




anyway, so there was this one day at the house. when ever and i were together, but arguing more, it was toward the end. and intern and i were in the room together, and ever left the room. and i looked at him, and rolled my eyes, and said under my breath, 'i'm running away.'

and do you know what he said? he said, 'take me with you.'

and that sealed it for me.

from that day forward, i thought that maybe i wasn't crazy. that if i had the balls and a lack of moral obligation to my marriage, and pushed him into a closet in the house, that he would know exactly what to do to me.

with me. to me. for me.

and i, for him.

but i squashed it down instead. and because ever kinda couldn't stand him, he started doing things to make him look stupid. it was a running thing that intern wanted a girlfriend, and was having an impossible time finding a girl to be with. that he had only ever dated chicks who were literally certifiably crazy, and that it was a pattern with him.

i'd offered at the time to be his wingman. saying that having a drink with a married lady would probably work to attract girls to him. like street cred or something.

ever gave me the shittiest confused look. he didn't get what i was trying to say at all. needless to say, i never got that drink.

and then a little while after that, ever did the meanest thing. he got a friend, a girl, to come over, posing as a rep from an online dating service. he told intern that he'd paid for his membership, out of gratitude for the work he'd done for us. and so she came over after creating this entire interview, with all these fucked up questions. would you date a midget, would you date an amputee, would you date a transgendered person. stuff like that, after a slew of 'normal' questions.

anyway, he staged this whole thing, and the day it was going to happen, he told me about it. he'd been planning with this girl for a long time, and never mentioned it to me.

and so intern was in this awkward situation, and i wasn't around for the majority of it.

they made him sit on the couch and take pictures for the 'website'. and let me tell you how many times i stared at those pictures after they were uploaded onto our computer. he was so freaked out, and looked effortlessly hot. mmm.

anyway, so they had a three part plan. the next part involved him making a video taped interview, telling what he was into, what he looked for in a girl, typical stuff like that.

and ever had it all set to happen, date scheduled, everyone on board. and when he told me about it, i couldn't watch intern fall for it.

partially because i am so gullible. and partially because he's really nice, and he'd been doing all this unpaid work for us for months. mostly because i was totally hot for him, and hated ever for being such a huge dick to him. an ingrate bastard.

so after intern left that initial interview day, ever told me his plan about the video. how he was going to make it the splash page on his new company website, just to embarrass intern. like a hazing, only he'd been around for months.

and it was then that i decided to derail his plan.

the next time that intern was over, he'd ridden his bike an hour to our house. and when he was ready to go home, it was pouring rain. he decided to take the train home. i offered to drive him to the train station a few blocks away.

the rain stopped and started and stopped. but he let me drive him. i told ever i'd be right back, he was in the middle of something, and was actually grateful that i was dropping him off so he didn't have to.

and my belly was tossing and turning. part of me wanted to just kiss him in the car right then and there, hair dripping wet. but i didn't.

instead, i started the car and made the temperature comfortable, because we were wet from the rain.

and i said, 'i have a confession.'

be very clear: i had chosen my words carefully. i wanted him to react to my saying those words. i'd planned out what i was going to say about the biggest practical joke that ever had tried to pull off in his life.

but i wanted him to think for a second that i was about to profess the desire to him.

and he totally did.

he said, 'oh god...'

and i waited a second. and smiled.

and told him about ever's joke. and that i just couldn't watch ever be mean to him. and that i wanted to help him figure out a way to get back at ever. and that he could never tell ever that i had tipped him off.

he promised he wouldn't.

and shortly after that, ever dropped the part of the plan about the video interview on the website.

i essentially talked him out of it.

guilted him about being so mean to a nice guy who had been giving us hours of his time in exchange for a grade in a college course internship.

and when it came time to grade him, ever told me to give him all b's, basically.

and i fought for him. and allowed only one b on the non-final grade. and all a's on his final grades.

ever hated him. and i think it was because he knew that i liked him. probably that i liked him a little too much.

i'm a very obvious person. i don't try to hide anything from anyone. and my body language speaks volumes.

too bad intern is too young to pick up on it just yet.

i told intern about the divorce. i told him right after we'd decided it. because he was going to be in a place where ever was going to be. and i wanted to be the one to tell him. and so we chatted about it for a while. and he was completely shocked.

and i can't express the way it made me feel to be the one to tell him, first of anyone i'd consider to be a casual friend/acquaintance, that forever with ever was over. and in my own crafty way, to plant a seed of availability in his brain.

so back to present day.

i didn't see him at the house after that. his internship with us ended, and he only went to the house once after that. and once after i moved out, when i was home telling my family that we were getting a divorce back in march.

i wouldn't have known, but i saw pictures before ever unfriended me on fb.

still wasn't present day.

and neither is this.

last weekend, we were chatting. he was bitching about his shitty job and how he hates it. and i said that he should just look for a new one. that i'd help him. and then mentioned that i am hiring.

and he was so excited. he wanted to come to work for a day and see what he thought about it.

and i went through all of these moral dilemmas. could i really sleep with someone after hiring them, despite the fact that i'd been dying to do it with him for months and months?

could i really do it, knowing that somehow, because i'm such a horrible liar/hider, my employees would know that i'm sleeping with him.

i'd made the mistake of talking about how hot i thought he was at work a while back. not knowing that it would ever possibly come back to bite me in the ass.

like right now.

i'll pick this story up on a different post.

the point of this post was to say that, post dropping nina off, post talking about vacation at work, i was all alone in my car for a few hours. driving. listening to music. completely crushed out on intern.

very aware that it's just the most recent distraction. very aware that if something had gone differently with coffee, i'd probably not even be giving a fuck about sex with intern right now.

but because coffee left me numb, and because chalk made me want to have sex, all i can think about, all day every day, is how badly i want to have sex with intern.

and that is why asking him dancing last weekend was such a big deal. and why getting him drunk intentionally was such a big deal. why i grabbed him by the hand and dragged him to the bar to buy him a third beer.

how i circled him on the dance floor, running my hand over his stomach to his back as i danced around him.

how i acted like i didn't give a shit when he was giving his number to girls when the lights came on.

and why i didn't cry when he wouldn't come to our little 'slumber party' back at my place at four am after we left the club.

it's just sex. i'm not in love. i do not want to date this boy. i mean, i'd go out places with him. but there is no romanticism here.

it is purely physical.

this is my new kick.

i'm feeling ways that i never thought possible.

i can now see that i can do this. and maybe in three months from now if i cry over him, you can show me this post, where and when i went so horribly wrong in my logic.

that i could separate my heart from wanting sex with him.

it remains to be seen.

mostly i'm afraid of being rejected, because of all the things i took away from coffee conversation, the fact that he said nothing back was the biggest diss of all.

i know i'm heartbroken. and maybe this is just the guy reaction. fuck it out. rebound. get over the divorce and the coffee heartbreak in one fell swoop.

fuck intern. and then stop. and then move on.

fuck him until the second six months of non-relationship time is over. then see if there's anything other than physical attraction there on either side.

i don't think he knows that i want him. i don't think he will, until i'm coming at him like a spider monkey.


but nina hit the nail on the head earlier.

in regards to body language, and how obvious i feel i'm making it, and how dumb he is in that regard, and not picking up on it at all, nina said something about being perfect for mounting. that he'll get the idea when that happens.

cracking up. and signing off. indulging the intern mindset was a tough pill to swallow. i have avoided it for a long time.

but now, it's friday night.

and now, we'll just see what he has going on this weekend.

and we'll just see if i finally try walking on the side of the street that so many people walk down every day. and then, we'll see if i like it.

or if i have to find the next target for this desire.

i don't know... this one has been brewing for too long.

i think i'll just try to stick to him for a while. if i can survive it.

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