in a city so big... january 5th.

first of all, happy new year.

2011 has to be better than 2010.


that being said, i'm off to a rocky start.

by some miracle, i didn't cry when i left florida.

i didn't cry when i hugged my grandparents goodbye. when i thought, please don't die while i'm gone.

i didn't cry on the way to the airport. when i thought, i don't want to get out of this car. and i certainly don't want to get on a plane back to my problems i tried to run away from.

i didn't cry when i said goodbye to my parents. and i didn't cry when i said goodbye to my sister.


what saved me was the fact that i know, when i see them next in that place, i won't be leaving for a life somewhere else. when i fly away the next time, from there, it will be to go on an adventure. a trip. a vacation from that life.


today i hit the ground running. and it was a crazy day. i had to collect things for work - two weeks worth of paperwork from each store, ten days of deposits from suck store, and talking to kenna about all of it.

so i left from my store after busting my employees for lying to me. thanks to fb, i knew they were lying, which is why i unfriended them while i was in florida. it came back to me through the rumor mill (aka kim and pam at my store), and i called them out on it.

i biked in today, forgetting that hats over wet hair and mittens over exposed hands are always a good idea when biking in phila. i got to work freezing, handled all of that, and left at around one to go home for my car.

suck store was fine, but i forgot half of what i went there for. and i drove the bank on my way home.


let me frame this by explaining how into happenstances i am. i fully appreciate tiny intricacies that are required to have a one minute interaction with people. or the decision i made somewhere in my afternoon that puts me a few carlengths from an accident.

so i think it's pretty fucking funny that i was walking into a branch that i have literally gone to only once in the past few months. there was a sign on the door that said they'd be closed on january 17th. and i literally thought, 'man. the day before the hearing with ever.' and walked into the counter inside the door to fill out deposit tickets.

there was this little old lady standing at the corner where the counter meets the first teller window. her perfume was insane. super floral old lady perfume. just awful. she walked away, and i looked up. i don't know if it was because i felt someone looking at me, that's what i thought at the time.

and looked at the guy in the first teller window. it's an open bank, there's no bulletproof glass, just a tall countertop.


he was looking down, or maybe at her. but not at me. and my first thought was, 'huh. he's about my age.' then, 'man. he looks familiar.' i studied his face.

then...

'HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S EVER!'

i looked down. the whole figuring it out thing lasted for a few seconds, but not long enough for me to get caught stealing a glance.

in telling the few people that i told, all of them asked, 'how did you not recognize him??' as in, what had changed?

so he wasn't wearing a hat. which is unusual. his hair was short, which is unusual. he had that retarded fucking mustache, all deputy dangle style. i actually recognized the flannel jacket he was wearing before i recognized his face. he looked older, but i can't say why. his face looked skinny. more than anything, he is the last person i'd expect to see on a random afternoon.

i looked back down and kept filling out my ten tickets. when he walked out past me, i got into line.

it was so crazy. i stood at the counter in a daze, handing money over.

who brought him to the bank? was he depositing money to pay the mortgage? did he see me? did it take him a few seconds, too? how the fuck did the two of us end up at the same bank at the same one minute window of time? it's his branch, yeah. the one closest to the house. but still...

rehashing, rehashing. should i have said something to him? smiled? punched him? gotten in line behind him? lean on the counter and stick my butt out so he can see what he's missing? make a call? i don't know.

i just looked away so he couldn't make eye contact and waited for him to pass.

when i walked back out, i was so afraid he'd still be in the parking lot. my deposits had taken plenty of time, so it wouldn't have made sense for him to still be there. i had to have seen him go into the bank and just not realized it. i'm sure he hightailed it out of there, saying to the person who drove him, 'tea is in there. get me the fuck out of here.'

or maybe he didn't. maybe he sat in the seat for a few minutes, dazed, like i did.

at least he didn't have to hold the door open for me, or vice versa. that would have been worse. a literal run in could have been worse still.

but that was it. i'd left suck store and cat had called me back to tell me to bring supplies the next time i went. and i hit all the lights between, and made some green lights, too.

and for one minute, on completely neutral ground, we'd been within literally five feet of each other and said not a word.

it took a few minutes of sitting, half of a song, to be able to drive the car away. because i'm such a head case, i don't like driving when i have that much on my mind. and the last time i was that focused on him, i nearly wrecked my car.

kit texted me and asked if i was ok, which is the other common response to the texts i sent out saying 'holy fuck... i just ran into ever.'

and i was driving, so i didn't text her back right then, but i totally got into the wrong lane when i left the bank, and the turn i had to make was the route back to the house. a hard right, instead of a soft right.

so, yeah. i was okay. shaking like crazy, but not crying or having a panic attack, which is a huge improvement.

i haven't seen him since maybe june. or may.

i got off my old street way before the house, and drove to the bakery to try to catch robbie, who wasn't there. then came home before meeting alice out for a drink.


i don't know. i don't want to think about it, but writing it out had to be done.


i promise i'll be a better blogger. sorry for slacking. this trip home was so different from this summer. without stupid coffee to write about, i wasn't sleep deprived and inspired. i hate that he made me prolific.

and as far as resolutions, i'll copy the list over tomorrow and see which ones i stuck to in 2010, and then make some for this year, because i haven't yet.


for tonight, i'm already in bed. tucked in, trying to fall asleep. get sleepy. because today hurt, and i slept until 8. it's going to be worse when i get up at 545 tomorrow...