crashing down, and mayday. may 2nd.

it's a hard thing to adjust to.

i had been absolutely high on life for a couple weeks running, feeling almost invincible. everything was perfect. perfect weather is what kicked it off. followed by boy stuff and house stuff. tiny little things lining up on a daily basis. nearly escaping being doored by a car despite being lost in a daydream.

all those little coincidences where other people make one decision, and it changes everything for you.

there were too many to count, really. old tea, back in the day tea, would have blathered on and on about how wonderful and perfect everything is, how everything happens for a reason, and how everything is meant to be.

new tea says, 'hmm...' and moves on.

the thing is, when it's so beautiful outside after such a rotten winter, it's hard to not smile. everyone is smiling.

and it's hard to be indoors. everyone is out in the weather.

i've been lucky the past four spring seasons, i'd guess. i haven't had allergy issues in years. when i first moved up here, i was really sick, because my poor florida body wasn't accustomed to pennsylvania pollen i guess.

and this year? well, it's just unacceptable. i've had yet ANOTHER cold for a few days now. friday i felt so terrible that i caved, called my doctor, and paid a retarded sum of money for fake allegra, mucinex, and nasonex. i'm juicing. it's kinda funny.

but it's also not going away. there was a day, thursday i guess, when i used my neti pot four times in one day. and my nose was so clogged, no saline would pass through. it was unreal.

and i spent friday afternoon on my deck. and friday night. all day saturday. and then all day yesterday on a bicycle adventure date with sam. not to mention, every window in the house (except my bedroom) is open. pollen is on everything.

but i can't not sit outside when it's 65 and sunny. and i can't keep the house closed up when the breeze is so amazing.

the price i pay...

getting sick was part of the fall.

the underlying stress and anger from that fight took a few days to sink in. i did a great job of ignoring it at first, because i was angry. but then i wrote through the anger, and got really sad about it. and then i wrote through the sadness, and now i guess i just feel nothing about it. it's a holding pattern of sorts. i need time. and i'm taking it.

and as the weather got nicer, i became an insomniac again. it's been so rough. on work nights, i've been up until 1 or 2 every single night. which kinda kills when you wake up at 545 or 7. thursday and saturday nights were both 4 am nights. and i can't sleep in, even when i try. so i'm running on a few hours of sleep, for a couple weeks running now, i guess.

and i got into bed at 830 last night. and was awake until midnight.

i don't know what it is. my body just thinks it can function properly without sleep when the days are nice and don't have to end. when the nights are pretty and tempting. and i can fight it with brain power or medicine. and insomnia wins. it sucks.

i think the saddest i got in the last seven days was the thursday/friday combo bummer. thursday was matthew hangout night. and i guess he seemed slightly less excited to see me, and slightly less enthusiastic about hanging out.

and i know it's because he was tired. we both were, and that was the day i woke up snotnosed. but dinner was just okay. and conversation was just okay. and the sex was just okay.

it felt lackluster. and it made me sad. i didn't see him for a week, and we usually have stupid amounts of fun together. so what would probably have been a good night for other people was really disappointing for me, because it was the least fun i've had with him.

i mean, we had fun. we went to a diner and to a bar after that. and came home and put on napolean dynamite. it wasn't bad. it just wasn't spectacular, like it normally is with him.

the worst bit is that he fell asleep at 1030. and i was awake. until 4 in the fucking morning. i even took nyquil in an effort to pass out. it didn't work. it was just the worst. because i had to work the next day. i could not turn off my brain. and my brain could not turn off my body.

and he left and i took a nap before getting up to go help the girls do inventory, before going to delaware. i usually wake up at 8 if i do that, it's a 2.5 hour nap that fixes me. at the lastest nine. so imagine my panic when i woke up at 945. i knew i needed the sleep, but it threw a major wrench in my day.

on thursday, i had my last $20 on me. and spent it. knowing that i literally had change in my checking account. i had fucked up last weekend and overspent. and kept things on lockdown last week. but it was too late.

so that was weighing heavily on me. money tends to stress me out quite a bit. it's most of the worrying that i do. just not good. and to be that broke? really really not good.

so i couldn't even buy anything i needed in delaware. which was the worst feeling, because ultimately it means i will have to spend more money on it later.

the thursday/friday combo clusterfuck was fully achieved on my way back from delaware. despite waking up late, i felt pretty good. i was in a fine mood, and felt better when i woke up next to matthew than i did when i fell asleep next to him. but i was playing a new mix in my car, and a pinback song came on.

and it made me realize that joey is m.i.a.

what's the most funny is that i know i said, at least twice, after easter sunday morning, that i didn't care if he never called me again. that it wouldn't really matter and that it was fine.

but after he called and missed me twice on sunday, and texted back and forth that night, that was that. he instigated all of the texting that had ever gone between us. and i texted him on tuesday asking him how he was doing, and then on thursday asking him to go to the show with me, because he likes them and i had an extra ticket. i got nothing back.

i'd told him when i hung out with him that i'd pick up a record for him at the show, and he was stoked.

so when the song came up on the mix that was already a little dull/melancholy, i realized he hadn't responded at all. so i called him. and i left him a nonchalant cheery message, calling him duder most likely, and saying i didn't hear from him about the show and didn't know if he was tied up.

whatever. hung up. drove back to phila.


and so i decided, at four o'clock on saturday afternoon, that i would give him one last chance before calling it quits. and i called. and he didn't answer. and i hung up and asked mike to go with me.

i feel better about it now. but on friday, i was sad about it. i don't want to think that easter was the only day i'll ever hang out with him. the trick with him will be stars aligning. because he's the type of person to ask at the last possible second, planning is not his strong suit. and i plan everything ahead. so the chance that he'll ask when i'm not already doing something is slim.

so it goes. i only let myself call him a second time because i hadn't yet, and because he's called me several times. but in my head, it reminded me of chasing coffee. calling and popping up where he worked. texting didn't exist in those days, but the texting added another layer. it made me very self conscious, because i really don't like being the one to make first contact. and it made me feel stalkerly. but then i realized that was just stupid. and i guess that i've come a long way. because before i would have either popped up at his place, because i bike very near it so often, or would have put the record i got in his mailslot or something equally insane.

and so i waited. and heard nothing.

i don't know what i'll end up doing with the record. i bought two, because even though i don't have a record player, i wanted it. it was a super special edition, and there were only a few left. and i got a tour ep in a handmade case as well. they always have awesome merch, because they only sell their tour eps on the road. i was really excited to have exactly enough money to get all three things.

and wasn't really mad about the joey thing. i wish it could be that his phone is broken, because it was well on its way there. but i know it's not, because it didn't go straight to voicemail.

whatever. he'll pop up again some day. or he won't.

it bothered me a lot on friday. and a little on saturday.

but the show was AMAZING. i almost went alone, because i've never gone to a show alone and not met up with someone there. but i'm glad i didn't, because there weren't actual tickets, so i would have had to meet someone outside the place, and take them in with me. i don't know.

choosing to ask mike was the best idea. he had never heard of them, and ended up loving them. we walked in, and this fucking hideous band was opening for them. i mean, i left halfway through their set because i couldn't deal variety of awful.

but we walked in and bought a beer, and gave the band a listen. and i look up to mike's left. and rob crow is just standing there, kinda being into the band. head nodding, and all.

it seemed so unlikely that i was convinced i was wrong about him. i wanted to say hi and thank him for being an amazing musician, but my gushy starstruck self probably would have kept going on. and that would have been stupid.

it was so sad, because the last time i saw them, i'd made food for everyone. and met his wife and son. and talked to him for maybe 5 or 10 minutes.

and then he was right next to me, and i was afraid to approach. i already had set myself up for feeling weird, because that last show i watched them play from the side of the stage. being on the spectator end of things is a far cry from being behind the scenes. ever was good for green room access, and i met some amazing musicians in the days i spent with him.

the show was so incredible, that the disappointed feeling only lasted for that little window of time. they played so many songs. and only two the whole night that i didn't know. their encore was five songs long. which is just unheard of. it was the best. i love them so much, and live, they are really fantastic. and they played my absolute favorite song. which i managed to record in its entirety on my phone.

and then it was over, and we were zipping from one end of the city home, listening to mobb deep and gza on mike's phone, through the middle of the city on a saturday night. drunk people loud and everywhere.

and i got home, and turned off the computer at maybe 130. and was up until 4. so gross.

woke up sunday, feeling pretty good somehow. i'd slept until 1130, had just enough time to pound a big ass mason jar of iced coffee, get a shower and get ready for my date.

so. finally. sam.

i think this date took about a month and a half to set up. and i was running behind yesterday, so i didn't mind that he was, too.

he asked if i wanted to meet him on time, or if i'd rather he be an hour late with a bike.

so i said hour late with a bike. and gave miss breezy a bath.

it was awesome. first bike wash in three years. i practically detailed her. all but the spit shine on her chrome.

i took a little soft sponge and took about 45 minutes cleaning her. between the spokes and all. then windexed all the chrome, and hand dried her.

it was funny. it's funny to write about her as a her. but that's how i feel. she's a she. and she was happy.

when he said he was ready and leaving the town where he lives, i started biking. i knew i'd have some time before he got there, and knew i wanted to take pictures, because it's always pretty.

and yesterday was the best possible day for biking. it was not even 70. and it was overcast. there was no hot sun to beam down. and the wind wasn't bad, so there was no extra work to do against it. and by the time we finally met up, it was two hours after we'd originally planned to meet. and we just got right on the path after hugging hello. and talked while we dodged a thick crowd of people along boathouse row.

there was a regatta that had just ended, looked to be high school kids, and i had the chance to explain my limited knowledge of rowing to him.

i have realized that, due to my casual approach, i wasn't nervous at all waiting for him. and i think he was nervous about me, because the first fifteen or so minutes were highly concentrated with slang that made him sound dumb. and i thought, hmm... this might not have been the best idea.

he was adorable. and short like i like them. he looked exactly as he had presented himself online, which was a relief, as i didn't recognize geoff when he walked up to me. i knew sam right away.

but as we settled in and talked side by side on the bike path, he talked about things he knew, and the slang disappeared.

and we biked out about 5 miles. i'd already ridden 4 from my house at a slow clip, so as to not wear myself out before the date even started.

and about halfway down the path, i saw a familiar face. and he was smiling at me. and it was CATERPILLAR.

and i waved and said, 'hi, caterpillar!' enthusiastically. and he waved back and rode past. he was alone. i was glad that troll wasn't with him. or the trollop, as kim and pam call her. we haven't seen her with him lately, and i thought that seeing him alone would make for a nice little bit of conversation tomorrow.

had i been alone? i would have about faced and joined him. alas, i was not alone. note to self...

back to it.

we got to the end of the path. not the actual end, but where the construction had ended it for us. and we happened to be in manayunk. and i looked to my left, and saw that i was somehow in familiar territory, at the split in the road for main street. so i said we should grab a beer and a snack at the brewery.

and he was totally into it, so we did.

and i know it was a good idea. the food we picked was absolutely perfect. we ate everything, sharing, and weren't too full to bike back. it was great.

but our server sucked ASS. she didn't come by for a while, maybe ten minutes. then took our orders. and the food came out pretty quickly, because they were appetizers. and our beer was still missing maybe fifteen minutes after that. no water. nothing. which wouldn't have been bad if we hadn't just biked kinda far to get there.

and i finally grabbed another server and said we were looking for our server, who had our beers. she popped up like five minutes later. our food was halfway gone, because we were afraid to eat without drinks. it was just awful.

and when she remembered us and we finally got our beers, i thought maybe we'd get free drinks out of it. but we didn't. and, the kicker was, she brought him the wrong beer.

but times like that show a person's true colors. and he was as cool as i was, despite the situation. which was a relief. because i was about to have a mini freakout.

i'd guess we were there for an hour. they were playing reggae, we sat outside on the river because it was so nice out. and talked a lot more.

online, we noted shared musical interests, and i was pretty blown away when he said he had an extra ticket to see beirut in jersey, outside of new york city, in a theater. and asked if i'd like to go. problem was, i am already double booked that day. friday the 13th. otherwise, i'd have been all over it.

that opened a can of musical worms, where we went back and forth for the rest of the time we spent there.

and then we were biking back. and the way back is always so much faster. we got back to the place where he'd parked and had cigarettes, the first since we'd met up. i couldn't remember if he smoked, and he couldn't remember if i did. but he'd had his last one on the way there, so he bummed one. and we talked about what we could do the next time we hang out.

and decided a picnic lunch in fairmount park would be fun, and he offered to teach me frisbee golf. and i told him i've been pretty busy, but that maybe in a couple weeks we could make that happen.

it's so funny with boys. like, comparative shopping. no one is as cool as matthew yet, but geoff was fun to talk to. and sam was glad and relieved that i was into biking, and we had a super chill, laidback bicycle date that ended much better than i thought it would in the first ten minutes.

everything went well. i only had to stop to blow my nose a couple times. not bad, considering we were on a path that didn't feel like the city at all. everything was in bloom.

i hugged him goodbye, and had the feeling that he probably wanted to make out. but i kissed him on the lips and said goodbye. he offered to give me a ride home, but i told him i was into biking it. so i did.

20.25 miles, all told. i felt FANTASTIC.

contractor was working at his bar, and said i should swing by with my deck measurements for a beer on the way, so i did.

and in that beer, some of my dreams were dashed. as quickly as he'd told me that building the deck would be a lot less expensive than i thought, we started adding up the cost of the supplies. and they were right at $2000. and the labor would be about $2500.

and i just couldn't justify spending that kind of money, and said i didn't think i could swing it.

and biked home, at sunset. about three blocks from the house, the streetlights came on.

it was a great day. i had a lot of fun with sam, and even though the deck got sidelined, we decided to put a window in, and a functional door. and that i can hang on the roof for a couple years before worrying about a new roof and the deck that will someday have to protect it.

bittersweet. but sensible.

so we'll go back to the list of things that are much less fun than a deck, but also more important than the deck. and today i thought that maybe we could put stairs up to the third floor roof, because the deck would be half the size. and that i could swing. that's the view i want anyway...

we'll see what he says about it.

aside from that, aubree is now three short days from moving in. and i am beside myself with excitement.

mom and dad have been in a rough patch because of it. and i'm hoping that they can get excited for her (and me) soon, so that it doesn't feel like such a selfish bad thing that i did.

i guess that, from the talk i had with mom for over an hour a few days ago, what i'm left with is this:

mom and dad are super sad that, instead of having both of us home for the entire summer, they now get neither of us for the entire summer.

and i get it. yeah, i'd love to have sold the house, be sitting on a gigantic pile of cash like i thought i would be by now, and be going home for the whole summer. to sit and float in the pool and shun all my responsibilities. to not work, to just BE. and i'm sure that aubree feels the same way. she'd rather be around everyone and having an easy internship with the doctor she's been shadowing for the last year in surgery.

but i really know, without a doubt, that she is getting a once in a lifetime opportunity. and i'm thinking about her future, despite the fact that it started out being a way to not be in this house alone all summer.

i love my sister. i cannot wait for her to be here. where she can be herself, not an asexual version of herself. where people won't judge her. where she won't have to live a double life. i'll be the best distraction for her, with her girlfriend continents away, to quickly pass three months of what will be a life-changingly long year. to give her a place away from distractions to study for the mcats.

i just want her to see that there's so much more to life than florida. and so much more to living than doing what other people want you to do. my goal is to never put any pressure on her to be anywhere or do anything that isn't mandatory.

i'm not afraid to bust her chops about studying for the mcats, because she'll need that. and i'm not afraid to take her out here, too. but we have all summer for that.

i'm just hoping to give her a healthy environment. and i don't know what i'll get out of it, besides having too much fun with one of my absolute favorite people. i know i will learn a lot from her. and i know that having her around is going to be good for me.

but aside from that, i just want her here.

it's blowing my mind that the star party i've been waiting for since last year is now right around the corner. it's this month. it's in 24 days. i can't get over it.

and i'm excited to teach aubree what little tiny bit i know out there, and to be able to share that with her. it really changed my life, and though she is not as inclined to stargaze as i am, she's genuinely excited about going, and i think she'll at least have some sort of a spiritual experience up there. and, like i did, make peace with the things in her life that she can't control, and come back feeling better about her decisions, and excited and inspired.

it's going to be awesome.

and aside from that, nina gets here in 69 days. the number of days keep shrinking, and i keep getting more and more excited for our week of awesomeness. seems like i was just saying 86, and then 74.

and i had a great trip to my shrink today, who made me feel even more confident when i left, about the way i've been feeling and thinking and handling things. i was afraid to go, as i always am, afraid to cry, as i always am. and not only was it not scary, it wasn't a cryfest. and i talked more than i have the other visits, giving her less time to put together questions. there was no silence today.

and i left feeling lighter. it was a good day.

i feel better about joey today, i guess i've decided that it was great. and if that is all the time i get, i will be disappointed. but not heartbroken.

and maybe things with matthew will be better when we hopefully meet up on wednesday instead of thursday, when my sister gets here. maybe we'll both be less tired. and maybe he'll be a little more excited to see me. and maybe i'll have the balls to tell him that i really enjoy our two hour makeout sessions. and that i really enjoy the sex, too. and that what i would enjoy most? that would be having both.

in telling nina about it yesterday, i realized what frustrates me.

i need the making out to be turned on. and i need the sex to immediately follow if there is any hope for me overcoming my five year obstacle.

and he doesn't know about my five year obstacle. and i've never said either of those things to him in a way that would demand a serious response, because we tend to just have fun and give each other a lot of shit when we hang out.

but i don't want to skip the making out. and i don't want to skip the sex. and if he's not as driven as i am, that's fine. but i can go into our time together knowing what i'm getting into.

the only time i wasn't doing those two things with him was the sunday brunch date. and that was my favorite date with him. so i'm not saying that i can't have wholesome fun with him. i just prefer the wholesome bits followed by the naughty bits.

life with less stress, and letting go of the things that have been upsetting me in a lot of the aspects of my life have given me an appetite back. and all the exercise i've been getting have made me need to eat more. i'm feeling better about myself. now if i can just start eating vegetables, i'll pretty much have myself back to a place where i feel like i'm doing things mostly right.

i haven't been writing here, because that last post really consumed me for a few days. a lot happened, but i have this feeling now, like most of it is irrelevant. and yesterday, waiting for sam, i did something i haven't done in a very long time. i pulled out my sketchbook, and drew my surroundings for about five minutes until he got there. i've been so much better at photo documenting the nature and scenery of my life. not necessarily the people i spend so much time with. but drawing at the steps of the art museum was a great way to spend my time, as opposed to killing it.

and today, i don't feel the need to have the crazy highs. because they're usually followed by the crazy lows. today was a day of leveling out. recovering, even. and rebounding.

everything is going to be okay. and i think i'm exhausted enough to try to get some sleep. which i need. desperately.

tomorrow i have a date. it's a date i'm really excited about...

i haven't seen alice in so long that i can't remember the last time. and i asked her for a date last week, and she gave me tomorrow.

i hope that she makes it. we don't know what each other has been up to, and a reconnection is in order.

i also get to see lauren, who used to work with me. she biked to austin from here, and is in town for the court case stemming from over a year ago, when she was hit by a car on her bike. to try to recoup her hospital bill money, and said that as long as she gets her three front teeth fixed properly, she won't care what she gets beyond that.

she's a tough kid. i hope i get to see her as well...

i spent my afternoon, post-shrink, cooking and baking. on basement house day, i'd promised contractor a home cooked meal. enchiladas, a family favorite that mom makes for our birthdays, based on what he likes.

it takes about four hours to prepare them, because the tortillas are made from scratch, like the rest of the recipe. the last time i made them was last april, when the writer came to town, and i made them for him and his band friends.

it took over a month to make the time to prep them for contractor, and i don't know when he'll get to eat them, but they're all but made up. i don't like making empty promises. and it felt good to cross that off the unofficial house list.

and then, i spent an hour after that making my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe. and i used four pans, two of which were mine from living here with ever. and the cookies on those pans burned on the bottom. blackened sugar, stuck to the pans. i pried them off with a pizza cutter, and bagged them for myself, i guess. it made me feel like a mom, who eats the food she burned and gives her kids the best of the batch.

and the two pans that turned out well will be mailed to a couple people who are far away and needing them...

being in my kitchen for all that time, and having more space than i needed felt right. i haven't spent that much time there since i moved back in. i've cooked some. not a lot. but it was a nice long stretch of thinking time. i got to talk to nina and to brownies, and had a lot of time to myself, too. both the boys came home while i worked, and i got to catch up with them as well.

things are falling into place. and just as last week is ending, and this week is getting started, i'll have a few days of quiet and adjustment to life in the middle of the road before aubree gets here and things really ramp up.

here's to life in the middle of the road. sometimes mediocrity is best for everyone. or maybe i'm just speaking for myself...

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