and what is seemingly the first day of fall. it feels like the first day of fall. suddenly, brought in by a midday shower and some blustery winds.
fittingly, i accidentally listened to some of my first-day-of-fall music when i played my 'happy for sad' mix on the way home from work, biking.
i don't know why i picked it, but what played while i rode against the wind, nose running and all, were the coffee songs of that magical fall. the songs i used to break out every fall.
this year is different.
even though last year was the first in a decade that i didn't drag out all of my old journals to read through them in order, this will be the second year i abstain.
i'm sometimes tempted to pull out the journal i started in the fall when i knew i wanted to leave ever. the one i hid and slept on top of when i was still with him. and the ones that followed, synced to this blog, ever since.
but, like the others, i don't really see the point in that. i'm sure i've forgotten a lot, and that is probably for the best.
so far, my brain is definitely quiet. it's incredible, really.
there is no panic wake up on a daily basis. there is no panic wind down time at the end of the night.
i'm having a hard time sleeping, but it's not from a racing brain. i'm simply not sleepy.
and night before last, i bragged to kit that the 4 am wake ups were over, and sure enough, the following morning, i had one. but it wasn't waking up and staying awake from worrying. it was just waking up suddenly from a sound outside, and not being able to fall back asleep for well over an hour, because my body thought it was time to be upright.
i was too afraid to take an ativan and sleep through my 6 am alarm, so i just tossed an turned for most of the two hours until it was time to go to work. i only know i slept because i woke up from a really nice dream with a start when my alarm went off.
it's not that my brain doesn't wander, or get lost within itself. it's not that i'm not still thinking about what i've lost, or how sad i've been. it's not that i'm not thinking about work and the house and finances.
it's that i'm not worrying about all of it. not simultaneously. and definitely not to the point where i'm sick inside.
i still have moments. yesterday was full of them. i blame it on suck store. everything about working there makes me think of him. all those hours and days and weeks spent writing him and thinking about how happy i was. reading excitedly everything he wrote back to me while i was bored there, in an effort to keep me entertained, like it was his job. and the drive. i thought that being away from there for a couple weeks would help get that shit out of my head, but the truth is, it just doesn't.
and some people i hadn't seen in months asked me how it was going with him. luckily, i'm medicated, or i'd likely have burst into tears. but instead, i kept it simple: 'he dumped me. i'll never understand it, but he did.'
i've been so much better. last weekend, i was looking forward to the time away from work. i've been working 10 and 11 hour days for a week now, and have worn myself completely out.
it's intentional. the busier i am, and the more i work, the less time i have to waste and be sad and think about where i am in life. it's how i got through the end of ever. i'm doing it again.
because it works.
it feels good to be doing well at work, it's rewarding. and besides hating the alarm when it goes off, i'm into it. it makes me feel like i deserve the weekends.
i woke up last saturday and went for a bike ride. a nice long ride on the path along the river. and it was so rewarding. to be out of bed and content to be alone with myself and my head. i was loaded down with freshly downloaded albums to listen to and fall for. and to push myself out of my comfort zone, which is the place where i do nothing public alone. and i didn't get all heady and ruin a good time, which was the best part of all.
i'm glad i cut back on drinking, because the other way i got through that initial time alone post-ever was to go to the bar alone. and i'm just not there yet, and it's okay with me that i'll probably never be. those nights made me feel more alone and awkward than most others. i'm all good with that. i'm plenty awkward and lonely without adding that nonsense to the mix.
most of the reason why i'm awake at night stems from longing for someone to hold me. i've caught myself smiling, thinking about the nights most recently when i wasn't alone.
i cannot believe that i've not had sex for over three months now.
i'm so grateful for a total lack of a sex drive, because it's keeping me from trolling dating site for the next boy to attempt to add to my roster, which is back to zero.
what's funny is that i've actually thought of hitting up matthew. because it was mostly fun. but i think he wouldn't accept or acknowledge my advances, so it's kept me from doing anything stupid. today is thursday, and when i feel lonely like this, i'm reminded that that was our date night, and that i spent several thursdays un-alone when i was sleeping with him.
joey floats around sometimes, too. just because of work. he'll never buy another cup of coffee from me, and i'm okay with that. but i still want to punch him in the arm and call him a bonehead and tell him if he ever wants to do that again, i'm game.
why is it so important to me to define myself by the guy that i'm hanging out with? or not hanging out with, in this case. why do i always want a boy shaped distraction from my boy shaped distractions?
i got so accustomed to sleeping alone, and then when i wasn't, it made me want it all the time. not in general. in a very specific person type of a way.
i am having an impossible time shaking the thought that nothing felt as good as being with greg. physically, while i was sleeping, but more so when we weren't sleeping. waking up next to him. everything felt so good and so right, like it could go on forever, and i'd never get sick or bored of it.
but here i am, all these months after, still wishing he'd turn up and apologize and say that it's not the same without me.
and it's never going to happen.
the sooner i realize that, the better off i'll be.
and i do feel like i'm in a rush to find the next boy like him. who makes me feel those things. it felt so great. until it didn't. and all i want is to not waste those feelings and moments and connections with someone who didn't even appreciate it.
especially tonight, because it's cold. and nothing would make me happier than to have that boy warming me up under the covers. or sit with legs touching on the deck in the sunset.
i'll get over it. before the drugs, i didn't think i would. it's nice to have hope that i'll get over this. but that day isn't today, and it hasn't happened yet. but i'll be okay, and i'm not crying over it anymore, so that's good, too. the last time that happened was about a week ago, in the throes of hormonal shittiness. i blame it squarely on my period showing up the next day. nothing more, nothing less.
i'm taking my quiet brain to bed. i'm hoping for at least a dream where i don't feel so lonely and cold.
fall has arrived in the northeast. my summer mix isn't even finished yet, but it's close.
and, as if on cue, a quick look at facebook made pictures of coffee turn up through another friend's photos. and, in fighting my nature, i didn't blow them up and look closer.
maybe i am changing...