in the bright moonlight, a satellite. oct 13th.

i started to write this post on sunday. it just didn't get further than a title, and one word:


sunday afternoon, i wanted to write. i was in a daze, ears still ringing, from seeing the lemonheads with aubree on saturday night. my ears were still ringing yesterday. and for a bit today as well. i think i might have done some permanent damage.

it was such an awesome show. i've never been to a show like that before.

i found out about it a few months ago, and bought my tickets (luckily) a few weeks ago.

* * *

and that's as far as i got on tuesday.

and now it's thursday. groan.

moving on...

* * *

so i bought tickets, and it sold out like i knew it would.

i just kept thinking, 'there's no way the LEMONHEADS are going to play. much less a tiny venue.'

i couldn't imagine being at a bar where i could just lean over and say hello to EVAN DANDO. i mean, shit, i was really into them in high school, and in college. i stopped listening when i got his solo album because it was a little country for my tastes, but to this day i still put their songs on my mixes. i LOVE the lemonheads, and it had been so long since they were around, i chalked them up to another nirvana, who were so influential to me, and such a big part of my life. i thought he'd have overdosed by now, and that i'd never have the chance to see them live.

and what was even crazier to me, is that they were going to play 'it's a shame about ray' in its entirety. which is my favorite. just a solid album.

so i knew it would be an incredible show. i didn't bat a lash at dropping $50 on two tickets.

and walking in and seeing them do soundcheck? i mean, i was a door and fifteen feet from him. and having a beer at the bar while we waited for doors to open, he walked right past me and i just stared in awe.

it's a mixed bag for me, emotionally. his addiction to heroin was in the forefront of my mind. it brought up a lot of the ever stuff i've tried to completely put aside. for days before, and in the week since the show.

the opening band was god awful. new york wannabes, with a singer all of 20, who thinks he's the next mick jagger. and hearing the merch guy/one song guitarist outside the bar, while i smoked to wait out the rest of their set, set me off. bitching about how stressful tour is and how he is so tired.

i'm thinking, 'your band SUCKS ASS, and you're BITCHING about opening for the goddamned LEMONHEADS???' i wanted to knee him and tell him to grow a pair and be a grateful prick. but i didn't.

we went back inside and listened to another opener. they were okay. i think they could be great with some vocal training, but they also seem like they're geared to be famous.

we stood at the front of the room for their set, and suffered in the heat without drinks and a smoke break, just to have a prime spot for the lemonheads.

and it was so so worth it.

the show was amazing. seeing evan's crazy eyes and wondering about how high he was, and if he'd be alive afterwards, was really shitty. but the MUSIC.

hearing those songs, and watching his face, cracking smiles every so often. everyone was singing the words. i've also never been at a show that was that much of a sing along. everyone was as happy as i was to hear those songs. people, including me, were beaming. fists in the air at favorite lines, dancing. the whole nine.

despite whatever state of mind he was in, he did a fantastic job. his voice sounded as it always has recorded. he looked as he always has, still hot, despite his 44 years of rough living. he looked worn, but the same. and there were no telltale track marks on his arms. i worry that he'll be the next elliot smith. but that worry was not for this show, and hopefully not for the future. time will tell.

they played the album. then he played a solo set that was longer than that. and then the band came back for a few more. they didn't go on until 1130, and i think we left around 115. my ears were ringing loudly, despite my futile effort to cram a ton of toilet paper into them, because i forgot my earplugs.

i just couldn't believe that there was no person, absolutely nothing, standing between me and one of my former idol crushes. best spot in the house. it was impeccable. i couldn't stop staring.

i left absolutely thrilled with what i'd gotten for the money i'd spent.

the best part was watching him play and sing, and knowing that he was fucked up, whether he was just drunk or not was something i'll ever know, and seeing where his eyes landed. sometimes he seemed very far off, but he was noticing everything that was going on where we were standing. he'd look annoyed at people who were drunkenly talking loudly in the front during songs. he shook his head at the guy who was trying to grab him while he played, and at the guy who knocked his mic stand in a fit of excitement.

but halfway through the album, someone ripped a seriously stank fart where we were standing. it was so hot and still and aubree and i looked at each other, like godDAMN, that's awful. she said something in my ear about it and i commented back, during the end of a song. and the look on her face was priceless.

imagine my shock when evan bent down after the song, and leaned toward my baby sister to ask why she was making a face. he asked, 'what's going on? why do you have that disgusted look on your face?'

what was cute was that she looked at me, like, 'do i tell him??'

and said, 'it smells like someone shit their pants down here.'

and i said, 'yeah, it's funky down here. it's too hot for that shit.'

he said, 'yeah... it does smell pretty bad down here.'

they said something else i don't remember now, and it was over.

he stood up, and i said, 'it's okay. we're happy. it's not you.'

he smiled, and continued.

that's the story of the time that evan dando put a show on hold to interview my little sister.

it was EPIC.

i got a quick overnight visit with brownies. which was awesome and kindof surreal, but so fantastic.

i have seen her enough and talked to her often enough in the past two months for me to feel like we live in the same place, even though we're eight states apart.

her visit this summer was great, when she drove up with me, but she saw me at a rough time, and this visit was so much better. i wish we'd had more time, but it was really nice to catch up in person and get brownies-hugs.

the next day aubree came back. i couldn't be any happier. it's so awesome to have rejoined forces with her, on this side of that depression summer. i feel so much happier in general, so much more myself, and after the way she left me, i'm sure she's glad she's back, too. i'm so much healthier, emotionally and mentally.

it's a huge relief. in so many ways. kenna was here for work this week, and i didn't worry about the stores i work at and see daily, knowing that aubree was there to help, and that i can trust everyone working for me right now.

the visit was quick, as per the usual. it was nice to get kenna-hugs, too. we talked as much about life as we did about business, which is usually how it is.

soemtimes i think she likes to listen to me and ask me questions to make sure i'm not going anywhere. we're genuine friends, and we care about each other. but i think it also serves to put her worries aside, knowing that she can still count on me.

we had a very candid conversation about how much she relies on me (entirely). how nervous it makes her, and i told her it makes me nervous, too. but she was happy to see things exactly as she left them a year ago. we were able to talk quite a bit, even if we didn't get much done.

and next, my dad gets here on tuesday.

let the housework commence...

* * *

and now it's sunday, somehow. this is the longest i've ever worked on a post, a full week, and there's not much to show for it.

but i do have a lot to say.

so now, dad leaves in the morning to drive up, they'll get in on tuesday afternoon, plan and assess the work, rest, and kick my house's ass while i'm at work.

it's so exciting. i will have a party or two when it's done. i can't wait to show it off.

i'd love to reconnect with my old musician friends from my married life, and have them play a potluck like we used to host when i was still with ever.

i spent a decent chunk of time this weekend in my head about boys. well, thinking about boys, but still heady about that one in particular. because i got an invite to a party where he might be.

luckily, i had other plans. because i keep thinking i'm ready to see him and talk to him (it's been four whole months), and to also believe that i could tap it and walk away smiling without repercussions. but i don't know if i would, or if the opportunity would even present itself.

i also thought a little about intern. it's because they're my go-to's when i'm all horned up. i can't help it. they both have that effect on me. but i also know that it's because, after a month and a half of medication, my sex drive is now fully awakened. it sucks for me, on a daily basis. goddamned thirty year old woman hormones. ugh.

also, i've told lauren and my sister both that i feel better about myself. and unlike before, when my confidence was instilled by one person, and taken away when i got rejected by greg, this time, i've accomplished it on my own. so it doesn't feel like it will be so easy to lose.

i got a haircut yesterday. it's a little jacked up, but i think i can use enough stuff to flatten the poof on top of my head until it grows back the way it will in a week or two.

it also comes from feeling good about the work i'm doing at work. having a successful visit with kenna was just what i needed. i now have the balls to ask for a raise for the new year, once the work i'm doing now proves itself in better numbers over the next six weeks. and i'll be fresh off of a vacation home for christmas and new year's which will also be awesome and fun.

another road trip with aubree. and a ride back with her girl. it's going to be fantastic. new life being breathed into the house and my life, making me feel like things are back on track again.

being medicated has had an interesting effect on me that i wasn't expecting. even when i'm sad enough to cry, or in a situation that would have been emotionally more than i could withstand before, i don't cry.

the flat affect. my highs are high, and my lows aren't as low. so i'm grateful for that. all the good without any of the bad.

but it does feel strange to be sad sometimes and not cry it out. pent up, the way i feel not having sex for four months. i repeat myself, when i say that i feel for the next guy who decides to get tangled up with me in bed. i hope the boy i choose can keep up.

i put up a new picture on my dating profile. and in 24 hours, 21 guys checked me out. if only i could find a crop of hot dudes looking for light fun on the site. it's not for lack of looking. i keep finding amazing dudes who all happen to be living in brooklyn and manhattan. it's unfortunate. if only i made that trek more often, i'm certain i could have a few flings up there, come back and not dwell on it.

if i didn't suck at dating, perhaps.


i'm wiped out. a weekend that didn't do what it could have to replenish my energy. i think that it's a cumulative effect. one caused by working entirely too hard for way too long. i hope this week is easier on me, and that i can get some breaks.

i think that, at the end of the day, my life feels more balanced now. i know that doesn't make much sense after the lines i just wrote. but it feels true, regardless. work hard, play hard.

i had an abnormally social end of week, and a social weekend. and it did a lot for me, mentally and emotionally. i am not pushing friends away now, for the sake of sparing them my debbie downer mentality. and i think it's partially to blame for taking so long to get to writing this post.

i got to see lauren, which was great. and i got to see the other lauren who used to work with me. it was so much fun, despite being so completely exhausted by thursday night that i didn't think i'd make it out of bed. and old tea, pre-medicated, would have certainly stayed in bed instead. but having the motivation to go out, and have a couple drinks and feel off kilter from the lack of beer drinking i've been sticking to, is a refreshing change.

depending more on friends to keep me from feeling lonely even when i'm not alone has been a nice change, too. and knowing that i'm a better friend who isn't so consumed with her own problems that she can't even plug into other people's lives has made me feel better about myself, too.

it was a horrible phase to realize (afterwards) that my friends needed me while i was depressed, and even when i could ask them how they were doing, i felt my mind wander the entire time we talked, thinking about how awful i felt, and remembering random things that kept me depressed for those months.

i know it's okay that everything happened the way it did, because i think i should have been medicated before now. and honestly, i think that if i'd been medicated when greg was absent, it wouldn't have hit me over the head the way it did.

but on this side of it, i don't regret those things all being prodded into existence. in the end, it felt good to believe again. and i don't hate him for waking up the things sleeping deep inside of me.

the way i see it, one of two things will happen next. i don't know how long it will be, but i'm pretty sure that the next time won't hurt as much. i won't want to stay in bed if it ends. and i don't have to walk around so jaded and convinced that i'll never find it again, much less in this lifetime.

it was nice to believe, even though it was so short lived, that i could find someone to connect with that deeply. and that i could entertain stopping the path to my bed that was simply that, to have something more, something multifaceted.

it was nice to have it all. it felt right.

and i'm finally over the part where i harbor all the horrible residual feelings from losing it. i still feel jipped. i still feel like it was special. but i also feel that, if we never come back to a place where we can share that again, i'll be okay. and i'll probably find it again. and maybe it won't be so brief the next time around.

in the grand scheme of things, it didn't take long at all. i found it a little over a year after i left ever. i found it just two months after i let myself start looking for it again. and like the records i set with him in bed, i feel like i broke more records, when i think about how quickly it all happened.

and i'll never agree with alice about him being my rebound from ever. i feel pretty confident that the time i took away from males for that year (with the exception of chalk, who definitively didn't count) kept me from making that mistake. and maybe solely because ever didn't make me feel those things after the first couple weeks i knew him.

if anything, he was my rebound from the damage coffee caused. it was so much more like that than anything else i've experienced. very old feelings i didn't know i was capable of feeling again.

i felt them. and as smartly as i approached it, i couldn't have been more careful as it fell apart. there was a coaxing that had never been there before. something mutual for the first time i can honestly say i have experienced in my life.

it will happen again. and i'll be okay if it takes another 14 years to find it.

whether it was real, or whether it was just easy for him to make me feel and think those things, i will probably not ever know.

in thinking about the dinner party, what i most looked forward to about being in the same place as him was the chance to be the happy version of myself i was when i met him. to show him that i'm still standing. i don't know why it's so important to me for him to see that he didn't destroy me ultimately. but i'm also realistic enough to know that, if he'd brought a date, i'd have politely excused myself, and probably taken a while to recover.

but aren't the payoffs worth the risk? i return to the previously optimistic version of myself when i think, emphatically, that it's ALWAYS worth the risk. for the learning and knowledge and experience itself, if not for something bigger.

i'm not scared now. i'm not afraid to ask hard questions when put in a room with another boy who broke my heart, just like i wasn't last summer. fearful, yes. but walking away with answers, even when they are in the form of unanswered questions, is something i can accomplish now.

i can work a long day, come home to a house that feels so much less problematic, and so much more complete, not be a drunk, and daydream about the time when that will happen.

after a major setback, i feel like things are okay again. like i've made so much progress, just as i felt before i met greg.

in taking things back (i had a frosty with fries on friday night, and listened to songs that i was unable to stomach before, without so much as a flutter), i feel like my life isn't ruined anymore, which was how it truly felt in the months following being ditched by someone i saw a bright future with.

maybe thinking about it still is a continuation of the setback. but it doesn't feel so inescapable now. it doesn't feel like a heavy wet blanket of sadness holding me down now.

i feel free again, mostly.

and that feels really, really GOOD.

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