my mood swings a great deal. it always has.
my day was pretty great. who can complain when they have a bonus day off from work, and a three day weekend?
well, i guess that i can.
i'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.
not even. really, i'm feeling supremely sad. and thanks to my newest bff, lexapro, i can't fucking cry it out and get over it.
and thanks to aubree, i got a surprise period today? so add hormones to the mix. perfect storm.
yesterday, i pulled my shit together on a would-be halfday, mailed packages to both nina and the writer, which i'd been trying to make myself do since july. accomplishing that small feat felt pretty amazing. and upon realizing that, by rearranging my two half days into one long day, i could have the whole day off today, i did just that.
which felt pretty smart. it ended up being a lot of work by myself yesterday; it wasn't easy, and i struggle to put into words how tired i was yesterday, and how tired i've been in general lately. completely burnt out. from working 50-55 hour weeks and not getting paid for the extra hours, which is mentally taxing.
volunteering for the job that takes a lot out of me, for the same amount of pay i've been making for another two years now.
last week, i told kenna i wanted a raise, and she agreed that i deserve one. it will probably be the new year before i get it. money is tight, and all.
i'm hoping the money i'm saving the company by killing myself right now creates the overage to compensate me accordingly.
that felt pretty good at the time. kenna almost always makes me feel good about myself and the job i do. she almost made me cry, telling me how lucky she knows she is and what a great job i do. how she couldn't do it without me, and how i definitely deserve a raise.
despite the fact that the next part of the discussion was about where to get the money to make it happen.
all aubree and i do every day is work. and bike home. and get into bed with our dinner, and watch some fringe, and pass out two episodes later, and do it again.
the weekends aren't long enough to recharge the batteries we drain during the week.
i can't force myself to do anything around the house when i get home. dishes, that is it. after being so motivated and inspired from dad's visit here, it sucks ass to not follow through and ride the wave. i just can't make myself do it when i'm that physically exhausted.
if i worked a desk job? cake. but the frantic running all day every day is stupid. i need to hire someone else, and i just don't want to, because in a month, it will be over for two months.
it's kept my mind off of the bigger things, for the most part.
but so much has been running through my brain. biking to work, making sandwiches in the back room by myself, extra smoke breaks during the day.
there's the stuff about shawn.
and stuff about ever.
and the emotional leftovers from greg, which have been waning, and so much better/easier to deal with, until tonight. it feels like shrink was right about that. i just needed a baseline of emotional stability to be able to deal with losing him the way anyone else would.
i've been getting over it, and moving past it.
you know, the thing is, i am the fixer-upper. i am the one who wants to save all the broken boys. i always have before, and i think i'm just drawn to the broken ones. and maybe i will always be.
i've progressed from the boys holding the giant waving red flags when i meet them and ignore them, to boys who can hide their red flags for a few months before slipping up and showing their true colors.
but it sucks to see that pattern, along with all of the other ones.
tonight i'm sad, and i can't cry and feel better. tonight i feel sorry for myself. and it coincides with aubree being in florida, and being alone for the first time in a month or so.
it's the same as my quarterly crises that always fell when nina was having a deadline, until this month. somehow i went unscathed.
my little breakdowns are always when i don't have access to the people that i have access to every day that the breakdowns don't happen.
tonight i had drinks with alice, and tonight the greg puzzle pieces kinda fell into place. it was something i should have thought of before now. but it was something so far out of the norm that it's no wonder i didn't.
i had the thought just this morning, the irony of which isn't lost on me.
and all i walked away from the conversation with, to bike home, freezing, and fucking alone, was that i always want to help.
and maybe why this is so hard for me, is that he won't let me help him. he shut me out at the first sign of trouble, on his end. and now, four months later, and one horribly timed sext message later, his number is gone, i'm embarrassed at my shit attempt to spark something visceral. all i want to do is go back and send what i'd originally written to him at the time. my intuition was trying to give me an assist. but the silence from that, and knowing this now, would have made this feel far worse. so it is as it should be.
four months later, i think about him so much less, but still sometimes. every day, at least once, but probably much more than that. every friday, i struggle to distract myself driving past his exit. every friday, at least i want to distract myself instead of wallowing in it like i did for months. and thinking about the exit long before and after i came to it or passed it by.
i traded thursday for friday this week, so yesterday, i actually listened to some pretty ballsy music (sad mixes, of course) while driving, and felt pretty decent. my resilience is building.
i think my mind only wandered to him in one direction, instead of both. and i quickly changed the thoughts that flowed after to something completely unrelated.
but tonight, the anger that has fueled my recovery, as it relates to him specifically, has subsided. it's been brushed aside by sadness, empathy, and helplessness.
after all, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. i say it all the time. and you can't help someone who so blatantly pushed you away. but if he just let me listen to him. if he just talked to me... i know i could help him feel better.
i really wish he hadn't pushed me away.
i know that, if he hadn't, the past few months would have been rough for me. all of his issues would have become mine. because that's what empaths do. but also, i know from several past experiences that going through thick shit with someone also makes all the feelings for that person grow. and it would have made a bigger mess.
i have always mistaken someone else's pain as my own. taken their using me as a crutch as some form of affection, and run into the sunset talking about being in love and feeling love or something like it, while he (whoever 'he' happens to be), could give two shits about me once they're through their darkest hours. all fixed up for someone else to appreciate.
time and again.
not to mention, all of the enabling i am so fantastic at. every time. and usually for long stints without even being aware that i'm doing it at all.
fuck all, i'm beating myself up again.
growing pains? this part always sucks. but i'm learning. so it's okay.
i had to reschedule the shrink from monday to thursday next week. just this morning, i had nothing to talk to her about. i never cancel appointments when i feel like that, because it signals a coming freakout.
this post is ripe with forty five minutes' worth of session content. fodder. fantastic.
i've spent the last few nights on the dating site, perusing boys.
i can't find a single one that i want to instigate something with. and i can't tell if it is because i'm genuinely not interested in the lot of them, if i'm too afraid of rejection in light of the week i had, if i'm still too heartbroken to jump back into the pool after swimming season is over, or if i just sense that i'm not mentally and/or emotionally stable enough to tread the water and splash around again. smacking the water in a shark's presence. bad idea jeans.
but, shit. i am lonely. i am tired of not fucking anyone. i am tired of not being kissed and held at night. i'm tired of not having a makeout fest at least once a week. and i am too tired of being tired to do a single thing to change it. well, aside from barking up the same fruitless trees for the last time and learning the hard way yet again.
i have seriously considered emailing matthew just about every day this week. i don't know why i prefer the familiar, but i'll do it every time. like looking for a job. i'll always stay.
matthew was fun until he wasn't. he was funny until he was a tool. but i could count on him for fucking around on thurday nights for a while there, and that is what i'm craving.
not forever love, not even love at all. just attraction and lust and a very basic like, and working shit out, and going about business the rest of the week without a sex-crazed mind. getting a fix.
which is a beautful segue into ever.
so i quit bitching on cwsr months ago about ever, and the money he owes me, and the utility companies. but in my walking life, this past week has been a bitchfest. thanks to the kitchen sink effect.
it all started when shawn finally came to get his shit out of my garage, when dad was here a couple weekends ago, after four months of being a total jackass and leaving it here.
a week before, i emailed him in response to his email asking if he could come by, by saying, 'sure. will you have any of the money you owe me?'
and his immediate response was that he should.
so i was hopeful. and then, naturally, the day before he was coming by, he started with his threats and dramatic bullshit. about coming unannounced with cops and how he doesn't owe me money. out of nowhere. because i told him to give me a time, that i was around all weekend.
i wanted his shit out of my garage so much that i didn't fight him on it, but did respond accordingly. and imagine my surprise when he supplied copies of checks written out to ever, for first month's rent and last month's rent, saying he doesn't owe me for rent.
i didn't believe him.
until i went to the bank and asked if they cleared ever's account.
they had.
ever had lied several times, saying he had let him live here for free. he was given $1000 last december, when i had to pay the mortgage for the second time to avoid foreclosure. first and last month's rent, as was clearly stated on the memo line of the checks.
problem being, despite the fact that he went about using his 'deposit' entirely the wrong way, ever has his rent for the last month. so instead of getting it from shawn, now i have to get it from ever.
piece of shit junkie that he is.
all i can get out of shawn is three months of utilities.
add the $500 to the $400 i had to pay to the water department when i moved in, and ever now owes me $900.
i know he has no money. and i know that you 'can't squeeze blood from a turnip', as the saying goes.
but i can file something in the court that says he is not following the court order, and when he can't pay, maybe they'll throw his ass in jail. and maybe i'll feel okay about doing it. because maybe he'll get clean in the process.
his tailspin is so sad.
my entire conversation tonight with alice was depressing. all the things we had to talk about were sad. ever, greg, her own situations, my mentality and total lack of dating prospects, and an inability to meet new people to change it.
all of it.
at the end of my second beer, i was ready to go home and cry about it. but i didn't.
this has been my week, mentally, in a snapshot. it's what i've been freaking out about, talking about, yelling about, bitching about. and the last few nights? awake worrying about.
it feels wrong to call what i've been doing 'worrying' because of how different it is from what i was going through before medication. but the return of sleeplessness and slowly dribbling thoughts when i'm trying to fall asleep is not welcome.
and like i said to her tonight, girls just like to talk it out. bitch and be heard. get a 'word' or an 'amen' of sorts from anyone they tell.
and this week, i've been using all of my girlfriends for exactly that.
i had a funny thought yesterday.
i realized i hadn't checked in with brownies for a while, or lauren. and i thought, 'i have too many friends – i can't keep up with them!'
it's funny because it isn't true, but also because, just a couple months ago, i felt like i had no friends. especially before i got medicated. i felt that life without aubree would be unbearable, and that there was no one for me to talk to or hang out with or relate to here, once she was gone.
i was afraid the girls wouldn't want to be around the sadsack version of me. i was afraid to see alice because of greg.
all i wanted was to be alone, and that wasn't as difficult once i convinced myself that i had no friends to lean on.
and now i'm struggling to give each person the attention i want to, the attention they deserve? what the hell is wrong with me? it's the backlash from being a shit friend for those few months. now it feels like make up time... i think about each of them often, and now it's time to act on it, and make time.
and in my full circle fashion i always dream to have, it's all or nothing with me. i'm either up or down. extremes. i'm either an awesome friend or a shitty one. i'm either really motivated or ridiculously lazy. i'm either fantastic or awful.
all i want is the middle ground. it's a recurring theme in my writing, in my life, in my emotions, in my thoughts.
lexapro is supposed to help me achieve that.
when i said tonight to alice that the reason everything fucked me up so royally with greg was because, even though it was just starting, i felt and believed that he was everything i wanted, all in one neat little package. all aspects that seem so important to me at this point in my life. they were all there and accounted for.
and her response was, 'isn't that a lot to expect from a relationship?'
but it wasn't about expectations, exactly. it didn't seem like i was hanging anything on him. it was just a feeling. the feelings that undid all of my thoughts and that wall i'd built, garnered from him being the best version of himself. it was just a beginning.
and i'm hoping that the middle ground on lexapro isn't too lofty in the expectations department.
because it would be pretty awesome to get what i want. again. and to have it last a little longer this time.
here's to hoping the next post is more like the beginning of the last one, and not so much like this one.
sometimes a warm blanket feels a little like a hug... i'm going to think about that for a while.
fantastic. october 22nd-23rd.
i'm exhausted, but i feel fantastic.
it's been an interesting week. mentally, i'm feeling quite different. emotionally, i still feel a lack of sadness, even when i think about things that make me sad. but mostly i'm tired from work, and having too much silly fun with aubree.
we really just gel. it's awesome.
this week was a long one, we both worked hard. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong, but my sleep has been off all week. there wasn't a night that i was asleep before 130. twice i was up until 2, once until 230, and last night until after 3.
i try to sleep. i get into bed early, even. but i am wide awake. i've taken ativan i think three times this week in an effort to sleep. one of the nights i was awake actively worrying.
having so much going on means that i have more to think about. and it's good to be thinking about things, because it's all happy positive stuff, being busy stuff, inspirational things and motivational things. but it means that i am spending a lot of time thinking about it, especially when i should be sleeping.
i'll take it.
the house is going swimmingly well. so much is getting accomplished. it feels so good. everywhere i look are solved problems and bells and whistles. some things are a huge deal. it's a nice mix. and i can't put into words how much better i feel about the house and how much more driven i am to fix it to completion.
* * *
it's now november. i feel completely different tonight than i did when i started this and lost days, weeks, even.
but it is called fantastic, so that must be how i felt at the time.
all of this was setting up something i did. and in hindsight? maybe not my brightest moment.
but at the time it felt incredibly liberating.
and very smart of me.
i had this dream when my dad was here working. he came in to wake me up, on my one day to sleep in, to make sure i was going to work.
he interrupted the most fantastic dream.
i was having a lot of sex with intern. in many different places. it was amazing.
when he woke me up, i was pissed. first, for being awake, second for the dream ending abruptly.
i got out of bed and got ready, frustrated and wound up, as i've been for a couple months now, safely.
and i texted nina to tell her that i would try not to hold it against my dad for interrupting my dreams of fucking intern.
and she encouraged me to tell him.
and call it what you will, but i was riding a wave of natural (kindof) highs, and was feeling really fucking confident.
after about twenty minutes of giggling and daydreaming and thinking about it, i did it.
i texted it to him. and then cast the net slightly wider, including greg.
and the silence from greg was overshadowed by the holy shit i got from intern maybe an hour later. to which i responded, 'reminds me that we're supposed to have beers. when is that happening?'
and another hour later, he didn't know.
so i decided. once and for all. told him i'd let him know when i was available (sounding way more confident and direct that i could ever muster in real life). the decision: when i ask him, his response makes it or breaks it.
and greg didn't respond. so i erased his number from my phone two saturdays ago. so i wouldn't make a drunk or sober mistake like that again. or even be tempted to.
and i texted intern yesterday. asked him if he'd like to watch hockey (gross, but he LOVES it) and let me buy him beers on saturday.
no response.
his number has also been deleted from my phone.
had i been in possession of joey's number, or matthew's number, they would have received the same text.
desperate times with a dust-covered snatch require desperate measures.
for once. and for all.
the silence and static of being silently rejected, not once, but twice, and letting go, again, of stupid crushes and held-on to feelings is a painful growth.
and that brings me to today. which doesn't feel like anything that could be loosely defined as fantastic.
it's been an interesting week. mentally, i'm feeling quite different. emotionally, i still feel a lack of sadness, even when i think about things that make me sad. but mostly i'm tired from work, and having too much silly fun with aubree.
we really just gel. it's awesome.
this week was a long one, we both worked hard. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong, but my sleep has been off all week. there wasn't a night that i was asleep before 130. twice i was up until 2, once until 230, and last night until after 3.
i try to sleep. i get into bed early, even. but i am wide awake. i've taken ativan i think three times this week in an effort to sleep. one of the nights i was awake actively worrying.
having so much going on means that i have more to think about. and it's good to be thinking about things, because it's all happy positive stuff, being busy stuff, inspirational things and motivational things. but it means that i am spending a lot of time thinking about it, especially when i should be sleeping.
i'll take it.
the house is going swimmingly well. so much is getting accomplished. it feels so good. everywhere i look are solved problems and bells and whistles. some things are a huge deal. it's a nice mix. and i can't put into words how much better i feel about the house and how much more driven i am to fix it to completion.
* * *
it's now november. i feel completely different tonight than i did when i started this and lost days, weeks, even.
but it is called fantastic, so that must be how i felt at the time.
all of this was setting up something i did. and in hindsight? maybe not my brightest moment.
but at the time it felt incredibly liberating.
and very smart of me.
i had this dream when my dad was here working. he came in to wake me up, on my one day to sleep in, to make sure i was going to work.
he interrupted the most fantastic dream.
i was having a lot of sex with intern. in many different places. it was amazing.
when he woke me up, i was pissed. first, for being awake, second for the dream ending abruptly.
i got out of bed and got ready, frustrated and wound up, as i've been for a couple months now, safely.
and i texted nina to tell her that i would try not to hold it against my dad for interrupting my dreams of fucking intern.
and she encouraged me to tell him.
and call it what you will, but i was riding a wave of natural (kindof) highs, and was feeling really fucking confident.
after about twenty minutes of giggling and daydreaming and thinking about it, i did it.
i texted it to him. and then cast the net slightly wider, including greg.
and the silence from greg was overshadowed by the holy shit i got from intern maybe an hour later. to which i responded, 'reminds me that we're supposed to have beers. when is that happening?'
and another hour later, he didn't know.
so i decided. once and for all. told him i'd let him know when i was available (sounding way more confident and direct that i could ever muster in real life). the decision: when i ask him, his response makes it or breaks it.
and greg didn't respond. so i erased his number from my phone two saturdays ago. so i wouldn't make a drunk or sober mistake like that again. or even be tempted to.
and i texted intern yesterday. asked him if he'd like to watch hockey (gross, but he LOVES it) and let me buy him beers on saturday.
no response.
his number has also been deleted from my phone.
had i been in possession of joey's number, or matthew's number, they would have received the same text.
desperate times with a dust-covered snatch require desperate measures.
for once. and for all.
the silence and static of being silently rejected, not once, but twice, and letting go, again, of stupid crushes and held-on to feelings is a painful growth.
and that brings me to today. which doesn't feel like anything that could be loosely defined as fantastic.
in the bright moonlight, a satellite. oct 13th.
i started to write this post on sunday. it just didn't get further than a title, and one word:
lemonheads.
sunday afternoon, i wanted to write. i was in a daze, ears still ringing, from seeing the lemonheads with aubree on saturday night. my ears were still ringing yesterday. and for a bit today as well. i think i might have done some permanent damage.
it was such an awesome show. i've never been to a show like that before.
i found out about it a few months ago, and bought my tickets (luckily) a few weeks ago.
* * *
and that's as far as i got on tuesday.
and now it's thursday. groan.
moving on...
* * *
so i bought tickets, and it sold out like i knew it would.
i just kept thinking, 'there's no way the LEMONHEADS are going to play. much less a tiny venue.'
i couldn't imagine being at a bar where i could just lean over and say hello to EVAN DANDO. i mean, shit, i was really into them in high school, and in college. i stopped listening when i got his solo album because it was a little country for my tastes, but to this day i still put their songs on my mixes. i LOVE the lemonheads, and it had been so long since they were around, i chalked them up to another nirvana, who were so influential to me, and such a big part of my life. i thought he'd have overdosed by now, and that i'd never have the chance to see them live.
and what was even crazier to me, is that they were going to play 'it's a shame about ray' in its entirety. which is my favorite. just a solid album.
so i knew it would be an incredible show. i didn't bat a lash at dropping $50 on two tickets.
and walking in and seeing them do soundcheck? i mean, i was a door and fifteen feet from him. and having a beer at the bar while we waited for doors to open, he walked right past me and i just stared in awe.
it's a mixed bag for me, emotionally. his addiction to heroin was in the forefront of my mind. it brought up a lot of the ever stuff i've tried to completely put aside. for days before, and in the week since the show.
the opening band was god awful. new york wannabes, with a singer all of 20, who thinks he's the next mick jagger. and hearing the merch guy/one song guitarist outside the bar, while i smoked to wait out the rest of their set, set me off. bitching about how stressful tour is and how he is so tired.
i'm thinking, 'your band SUCKS ASS, and you're BITCHING about opening for the goddamned LEMONHEADS???' i wanted to knee him and tell him to grow a pair and be a grateful prick. but i didn't.
we went back inside and listened to another opener. they were okay. i think they could be great with some vocal training, but they also seem like they're geared to be famous.
we stood at the front of the room for their set, and suffered in the heat without drinks and a smoke break, just to have a prime spot for the lemonheads.
and it was so so worth it.
the show was amazing. seeing evan's crazy eyes and wondering about how high he was, and if he'd be alive afterwards, was really shitty. but the MUSIC.
hearing those songs, and watching his face, cracking smiles every so often. everyone was singing the words. i've also never been at a show that was that much of a sing along. everyone was as happy as i was to hear those songs. people, including me, were beaming. fists in the air at favorite lines, dancing. the whole nine.
despite whatever state of mind he was in, he did a fantastic job. his voice sounded as it always has recorded. he looked as he always has, still hot, despite his 44 years of rough living. he looked worn, but the same. and there were no telltale track marks on his arms. i worry that he'll be the next elliot smith. but that worry was not for this show, and hopefully not for the future. time will tell.
they played the album. then he played a solo set that was longer than that. and then the band came back for a few more. they didn't go on until 1130, and i think we left around 115. my ears were ringing loudly, despite my futile effort to cram a ton of toilet paper into them, because i forgot my earplugs.
i just couldn't believe that there was no person, absolutely nothing, standing between me and one of my former idol crushes. best spot in the house. it was impeccable. i couldn't stop staring.
i left absolutely thrilled with what i'd gotten for the money i'd spent.
the best part was watching him play and sing, and knowing that he was fucked up, whether he was just drunk or not was something i'll ever know, and seeing where his eyes landed. sometimes he seemed very far off, but he was noticing everything that was going on where we were standing. he'd look annoyed at people who were drunkenly talking loudly in the front during songs. he shook his head at the guy who was trying to grab him while he played, and at the guy who knocked his mic stand in a fit of excitement.
but halfway through the album, someone ripped a seriously stank fart where we were standing. it was so hot and still and aubree and i looked at each other, like godDAMN, that's awful. she said something in my ear about it and i commented back, during the end of a song. and the look on her face was priceless.
imagine my shock when evan bent down after the song, and leaned toward my baby sister to ask why she was making a face. he asked, 'what's going on? why do you have that disgusted look on your face?'
what was cute was that she looked at me, like, 'do i tell him??'
and said, 'it smells like someone shit their pants down here.'
and i said, 'yeah, it's funky down here. it's too hot for that shit.'
he said, 'yeah... it does smell pretty bad down here.'
they said something else i don't remember now, and it was over.
he stood up, and i said, 'it's okay. we're happy. it's not you.'
he smiled, and continued.
that's the story of the time that evan dando put a show on hold to interview my little sister.
it was EPIC.
i got a quick overnight visit with brownies. which was awesome and kindof surreal, but so fantastic.
i have seen her enough and talked to her often enough in the past two months for me to feel like we live in the same place, even though we're eight states apart.
her visit this summer was great, when she drove up with me, but she saw me at a rough time, and this visit was so much better. i wish we'd had more time, but it was really nice to catch up in person and get brownies-hugs.
the next day aubree came back. i couldn't be any happier. it's so awesome to have rejoined forces with her, on this side of that depression summer. i feel so much happier in general, so much more myself, and after the way she left me, i'm sure she's glad she's back, too. i'm so much healthier, emotionally and mentally.
it's a huge relief. in so many ways. kenna was here for work this week, and i didn't worry about the stores i work at and see daily, knowing that aubree was there to help, and that i can trust everyone working for me right now.
the visit was quick, as per the usual. it was nice to get kenna-hugs, too. we talked as much about life as we did about business, which is usually how it is.
soemtimes i think she likes to listen to me and ask me questions to make sure i'm not going anywhere. we're genuine friends, and we care about each other. but i think it also serves to put her worries aside, knowing that she can still count on me.
we had a very candid conversation about how much she relies on me (entirely). how nervous it makes her, and i told her it makes me nervous, too. but she was happy to see things exactly as she left them a year ago. we were able to talk quite a bit, even if we didn't get much done.
and next, my dad gets here on tuesday.
let the housework commence...
* * *
and now it's sunday, somehow. this is the longest i've ever worked on a post, a full week, and there's not much to show for it.
but i do have a lot to say.
so now, dad leaves in the morning to drive up, they'll get in on tuesday afternoon, plan and assess the work, rest, and kick my house's ass while i'm at work.
it's so exciting. i will have a party or two when it's done. i can't wait to show it off.
i'd love to reconnect with my old musician friends from my married life, and have them play a potluck like we used to host when i was still with ever.
i spent a decent chunk of time this weekend in my head about boys. well, thinking about boys, but still heady about that one in particular. because i got an invite to a party where he might be.
luckily, i had other plans. because i keep thinking i'm ready to see him and talk to him (it's been four whole months), and to also believe that i could tap it and walk away smiling without repercussions. but i don't know if i would, or if the opportunity would even present itself.
i also thought a little about intern. it's because they're my go-to's when i'm all horned up. i can't help it. they both have that effect on me. but i also know that it's because, after a month and a half of medication, my sex drive is now fully awakened. it sucks for me, on a daily basis. goddamned thirty year old woman hormones. ugh.
also, i've told lauren and my sister both that i feel better about myself. and unlike before, when my confidence was instilled by one person, and taken away when i got rejected by greg, this time, i've accomplished it on my own. so it doesn't feel like it will be so easy to lose.
i got a haircut yesterday. it's a little jacked up, but i think i can use enough stuff to flatten the poof on top of my head until it grows back the way it will in a week or two.
it also comes from feeling good about the work i'm doing at work. having a successful visit with kenna was just what i needed. i now have the balls to ask for a raise for the new year, once the work i'm doing now proves itself in better numbers over the next six weeks. and i'll be fresh off of a vacation home for christmas and new year's which will also be awesome and fun.
another road trip with aubree. and a ride back with her girl. it's going to be fantastic. new life being breathed into the house and my life, making me feel like things are back on track again.
being medicated has had an interesting effect on me that i wasn't expecting. even when i'm sad enough to cry, or in a situation that would have been emotionally more than i could withstand before, i don't cry.
the flat affect. my highs are high, and my lows aren't as low. so i'm grateful for that. all the good without any of the bad.
but it does feel strange to be sad sometimes and not cry it out. pent up, the way i feel not having sex for four months. i repeat myself, when i say that i feel for the next guy who decides to get tangled up with me in bed. i hope the boy i choose can keep up.
i put up a new picture on my dating profile. and in 24 hours, 21 guys checked me out. if only i could find a crop of hot dudes looking for light fun on the site. it's not for lack of looking. i keep finding amazing dudes who all happen to be living in brooklyn and manhattan. it's unfortunate. if only i made that trek more often, i'm certain i could have a few flings up there, come back and not dwell on it.
if i didn't suck at dating, perhaps.
sigh.
i'm wiped out. a weekend that didn't do what it could have to replenish my energy. i think that it's a cumulative effect. one caused by working entirely too hard for way too long. i hope this week is easier on me, and that i can get some breaks.
i think that, at the end of the day, my life feels more balanced now. i know that doesn't make much sense after the lines i just wrote. but it feels true, regardless. work hard, play hard.
i had an abnormally social end of week, and a social weekend. and it did a lot for me, mentally and emotionally. i am not pushing friends away now, for the sake of sparing them my debbie downer mentality. and i think it's partially to blame for taking so long to get to writing this post.
i got to see lauren, which was great. and i got to see the other lauren who used to work with me. it was so much fun, despite being so completely exhausted by thursday night that i didn't think i'd make it out of bed. and old tea, pre-medicated, would have certainly stayed in bed instead. but having the motivation to go out, and have a couple drinks and feel off kilter from the lack of beer drinking i've been sticking to, is a refreshing change.
depending more on friends to keep me from feeling lonely even when i'm not alone has been a nice change, too. and knowing that i'm a better friend who isn't so consumed with her own problems that she can't even plug into other people's lives has made me feel better about myself, too.
it was a horrible phase to realize (afterwards) that my friends needed me while i was depressed, and even when i could ask them how they were doing, i felt my mind wander the entire time we talked, thinking about how awful i felt, and remembering random things that kept me depressed for those months.
i know it's okay that everything happened the way it did, because i think i should have been medicated before now. and honestly, i think that if i'd been medicated when greg was absent, it wouldn't have hit me over the head the way it did.
but on this side of it, i don't regret those things all being prodded into existence. in the end, it felt good to believe again. and i don't hate him for waking up the things sleeping deep inside of me.
the way i see it, one of two things will happen next. i don't know how long it will be, but i'm pretty sure that the next time won't hurt as much. i won't want to stay in bed if it ends. and i don't have to walk around so jaded and convinced that i'll never find it again, much less in this lifetime.
it was nice to believe, even though it was so short lived, that i could find someone to connect with that deeply. and that i could entertain stopping the path to my bed that was simply that, to have something more, something multifaceted.
it was nice to have it all. it felt right.
and i'm finally over the part where i harbor all the horrible residual feelings from losing it. i still feel jipped. i still feel like it was special. but i also feel that, if we never come back to a place where we can share that again, i'll be okay. and i'll probably find it again. and maybe it won't be so brief the next time around.
in the grand scheme of things, it didn't take long at all. i found it a little over a year after i left ever. i found it just two months after i let myself start looking for it again. and like the records i set with him in bed, i feel like i broke more records, when i think about how quickly it all happened.
and i'll never agree with alice about him being my rebound from ever. i feel pretty confident that the time i took away from males for that year (with the exception of chalk, who definitively didn't count) kept me from making that mistake. and maybe solely because ever didn't make me feel those things after the first couple weeks i knew him.
if anything, he was my rebound from the damage coffee caused. it was so much more like that than anything else i've experienced. very old feelings i didn't know i was capable of feeling again.
i felt them. and as smartly as i approached it, i couldn't have been more careful as it fell apart. there was a coaxing that had never been there before. something mutual for the first time i can honestly say i have experienced in my life.
it will happen again. and i'll be okay if it takes another 14 years to find it.
whether it was real, or whether it was just easy for him to make me feel and think those things, i will probably not ever know.
in thinking about the dinner party, what i most looked forward to about being in the same place as him was the chance to be the happy version of myself i was when i met him. to show him that i'm still standing. i don't know why it's so important to me for him to see that he didn't destroy me ultimately. but i'm also realistic enough to know that, if he'd brought a date, i'd have politely excused myself, and probably taken a while to recover.
but aren't the payoffs worth the risk? i return to the previously optimistic version of myself when i think, emphatically, that it's ALWAYS worth the risk. for the learning and knowledge and experience itself, if not for something bigger.
i'm not scared now. i'm not afraid to ask hard questions when put in a room with another boy who broke my heart, just like i wasn't last summer. fearful, yes. but walking away with answers, even when they are in the form of unanswered questions, is something i can accomplish now.
i can work a long day, come home to a house that feels so much less problematic, and so much more complete, not be a drunk, and daydream about the time when that will happen.
after a major setback, i feel like things are okay again. like i've made so much progress, just as i felt before i met greg.
in taking things back (i had a frosty with fries on friday night, and listened to songs that i was unable to stomach before, without so much as a flutter), i feel like my life isn't ruined anymore, which was how it truly felt in the months following being ditched by someone i saw a bright future with.
maybe thinking about it still is a continuation of the setback. but it doesn't feel so inescapable now. it doesn't feel like a heavy wet blanket of sadness holding me down now.
i feel free again, mostly.
and that feels really, really GOOD.
lemonheads.
sunday afternoon, i wanted to write. i was in a daze, ears still ringing, from seeing the lemonheads with aubree on saturday night. my ears were still ringing yesterday. and for a bit today as well. i think i might have done some permanent damage.
it was such an awesome show. i've never been to a show like that before.
i found out about it a few months ago, and bought my tickets (luckily) a few weeks ago.
* * *
and that's as far as i got on tuesday.
and now it's thursday. groan.
moving on...
* * *
so i bought tickets, and it sold out like i knew it would.
i just kept thinking, 'there's no way the LEMONHEADS are going to play. much less a tiny venue.'
i couldn't imagine being at a bar where i could just lean over and say hello to EVAN DANDO. i mean, shit, i was really into them in high school, and in college. i stopped listening when i got his solo album because it was a little country for my tastes, but to this day i still put their songs on my mixes. i LOVE the lemonheads, and it had been so long since they were around, i chalked them up to another nirvana, who were so influential to me, and such a big part of my life. i thought he'd have overdosed by now, and that i'd never have the chance to see them live.
and what was even crazier to me, is that they were going to play 'it's a shame about ray' in its entirety. which is my favorite. just a solid album.
so i knew it would be an incredible show. i didn't bat a lash at dropping $50 on two tickets.
and walking in and seeing them do soundcheck? i mean, i was a door and fifteen feet from him. and having a beer at the bar while we waited for doors to open, he walked right past me and i just stared in awe.
it's a mixed bag for me, emotionally. his addiction to heroin was in the forefront of my mind. it brought up a lot of the ever stuff i've tried to completely put aside. for days before, and in the week since the show.
the opening band was god awful. new york wannabes, with a singer all of 20, who thinks he's the next mick jagger. and hearing the merch guy/one song guitarist outside the bar, while i smoked to wait out the rest of their set, set me off. bitching about how stressful tour is and how he is so tired.
i'm thinking, 'your band SUCKS ASS, and you're BITCHING about opening for the goddamned LEMONHEADS???' i wanted to knee him and tell him to grow a pair and be a grateful prick. but i didn't.
we went back inside and listened to another opener. they were okay. i think they could be great with some vocal training, but they also seem like they're geared to be famous.
we stood at the front of the room for their set, and suffered in the heat without drinks and a smoke break, just to have a prime spot for the lemonheads.
and it was so so worth it.
the show was amazing. seeing evan's crazy eyes and wondering about how high he was, and if he'd be alive afterwards, was really shitty. but the MUSIC.
hearing those songs, and watching his face, cracking smiles every so often. everyone was singing the words. i've also never been at a show that was that much of a sing along. everyone was as happy as i was to hear those songs. people, including me, were beaming. fists in the air at favorite lines, dancing. the whole nine.
despite whatever state of mind he was in, he did a fantastic job. his voice sounded as it always has recorded. he looked as he always has, still hot, despite his 44 years of rough living. he looked worn, but the same. and there were no telltale track marks on his arms. i worry that he'll be the next elliot smith. but that worry was not for this show, and hopefully not for the future. time will tell.
they played the album. then he played a solo set that was longer than that. and then the band came back for a few more. they didn't go on until 1130, and i think we left around 115. my ears were ringing loudly, despite my futile effort to cram a ton of toilet paper into them, because i forgot my earplugs.
i just couldn't believe that there was no person, absolutely nothing, standing between me and one of my former idol crushes. best spot in the house. it was impeccable. i couldn't stop staring.
i left absolutely thrilled with what i'd gotten for the money i'd spent.
the best part was watching him play and sing, and knowing that he was fucked up, whether he was just drunk or not was something i'll ever know, and seeing where his eyes landed. sometimes he seemed very far off, but he was noticing everything that was going on where we were standing. he'd look annoyed at people who were drunkenly talking loudly in the front during songs. he shook his head at the guy who was trying to grab him while he played, and at the guy who knocked his mic stand in a fit of excitement.
but halfway through the album, someone ripped a seriously stank fart where we were standing. it was so hot and still and aubree and i looked at each other, like godDAMN, that's awful. she said something in my ear about it and i commented back, during the end of a song. and the look on her face was priceless.
imagine my shock when evan bent down after the song, and leaned toward my baby sister to ask why she was making a face. he asked, 'what's going on? why do you have that disgusted look on your face?'
what was cute was that she looked at me, like, 'do i tell him??'
and said, 'it smells like someone shit their pants down here.'
and i said, 'yeah, it's funky down here. it's too hot for that shit.'
he said, 'yeah... it does smell pretty bad down here.'
they said something else i don't remember now, and it was over.
he stood up, and i said, 'it's okay. we're happy. it's not you.'
he smiled, and continued.
that's the story of the time that evan dando put a show on hold to interview my little sister.
it was EPIC.
i got a quick overnight visit with brownies. which was awesome and kindof surreal, but so fantastic.
i have seen her enough and talked to her often enough in the past two months for me to feel like we live in the same place, even though we're eight states apart.
her visit this summer was great, when she drove up with me, but she saw me at a rough time, and this visit was so much better. i wish we'd had more time, but it was really nice to catch up in person and get brownies-hugs.
the next day aubree came back. i couldn't be any happier. it's so awesome to have rejoined forces with her, on this side of that depression summer. i feel so much happier in general, so much more myself, and after the way she left me, i'm sure she's glad she's back, too. i'm so much healthier, emotionally and mentally.
it's a huge relief. in so many ways. kenna was here for work this week, and i didn't worry about the stores i work at and see daily, knowing that aubree was there to help, and that i can trust everyone working for me right now.
the visit was quick, as per the usual. it was nice to get kenna-hugs, too. we talked as much about life as we did about business, which is usually how it is.
soemtimes i think she likes to listen to me and ask me questions to make sure i'm not going anywhere. we're genuine friends, and we care about each other. but i think it also serves to put her worries aside, knowing that she can still count on me.
we had a very candid conversation about how much she relies on me (entirely). how nervous it makes her, and i told her it makes me nervous, too. but she was happy to see things exactly as she left them a year ago. we were able to talk quite a bit, even if we didn't get much done.
and next, my dad gets here on tuesday.
let the housework commence...
* * *
and now it's sunday, somehow. this is the longest i've ever worked on a post, a full week, and there's not much to show for it.
but i do have a lot to say.
so now, dad leaves in the morning to drive up, they'll get in on tuesday afternoon, plan and assess the work, rest, and kick my house's ass while i'm at work.
it's so exciting. i will have a party or two when it's done. i can't wait to show it off.
i'd love to reconnect with my old musician friends from my married life, and have them play a potluck like we used to host when i was still with ever.
i spent a decent chunk of time this weekend in my head about boys. well, thinking about boys, but still heady about that one in particular. because i got an invite to a party where he might be.
luckily, i had other plans. because i keep thinking i'm ready to see him and talk to him (it's been four whole months), and to also believe that i could tap it and walk away smiling without repercussions. but i don't know if i would, or if the opportunity would even present itself.
i also thought a little about intern. it's because they're my go-to's when i'm all horned up. i can't help it. they both have that effect on me. but i also know that it's because, after a month and a half of medication, my sex drive is now fully awakened. it sucks for me, on a daily basis. goddamned thirty year old woman hormones. ugh.
also, i've told lauren and my sister both that i feel better about myself. and unlike before, when my confidence was instilled by one person, and taken away when i got rejected by greg, this time, i've accomplished it on my own. so it doesn't feel like it will be so easy to lose.
i got a haircut yesterday. it's a little jacked up, but i think i can use enough stuff to flatten the poof on top of my head until it grows back the way it will in a week or two.
it also comes from feeling good about the work i'm doing at work. having a successful visit with kenna was just what i needed. i now have the balls to ask for a raise for the new year, once the work i'm doing now proves itself in better numbers over the next six weeks. and i'll be fresh off of a vacation home for christmas and new year's which will also be awesome and fun.
another road trip with aubree. and a ride back with her girl. it's going to be fantastic. new life being breathed into the house and my life, making me feel like things are back on track again.
being medicated has had an interesting effect on me that i wasn't expecting. even when i'm sad enough to cry, or in a situation that would have been emotionally more than i could withstand before, i don't cry.
the flat affect. my highs are high, and my lows aren't as low. so i'm grateful for that. all the good without any of the bad.
but it does feel strange to be sad sometimes and not cry it out. pent up, the way i feel not having sex for four months. i repeat myself, when i say that i feel for the next guy who decides to get tangled up with me in bed. i hope the boy i choose can keep up.
i put up a new picture on my dating profile. and in 24 hours, 21 guys checked me out. if only i could find a crop of hot dudes looking for light fun on the site. it's not for lack of looking. i keep finding amazing dudes who all happen to be living in brooklyn and manhattan. it's unfortunate. if only i made that trek more often, i'm certain i could have a few flings up there, come back and not dwell on it.
if i didn't suck at dating, perhaps.
sigh.
i'm wiped out. a weekend that didn't do what it could have to replenish my energy. i think that it's a cumulative effect. one caused by working entirely too hard for way too long. i hope this week is easier on me, and that i can get some breaks.
i think that, at the end of the day, my life feels more balanced now. i know that doesn't make much sense after the lines i just wrote. but it feels true, regardless. work hard, play hard.
i had an abnormally social end of week, and a social weekend. and it did a lot for me, mentally and emotionally. i am not pushing friends away now, for the sake of sparing them my debbie downer mentality. and i think it's partially to blame for taking so long to get to writing this post.
i got to see lauren, which was great. and i got to see the other lauren who used to work with me. it was so much fun, despite being so completely exhausted by thursday night that i didn't think i'd make it out of bed. and old tea, pre-medicated, would have certainly stayed in bed instead. but having the motivation to go out, and have a couple drinks and feel off kilter from the lack of beer drinking i've been sticking to, is a refreshing change.
depending more on friends to keep me from feeling lonely even when i'm not alone has been a nice change, too. and knowing that i'm a better friend who isn't so consumed with her own problems that she can't even plug into other people's lives has made me feel better about myself, too.
it was a horrible phase to realize (afterwards) that my friends needed me while i was depressed, and even when i could ask them how they were doing, i felt my mind wander the entire time we talked, thinking about how awful i felt, and remembering random things that kept me depressed for those months.
i know it's okay that everything happened the way it did, because i think i should have been medicated before now. and honestly, i think that if i'd been medicated when greg was absent, it wouldn't have hit me over the head the way it did.
but on this side of it, i don't regret those things all being prodded into existence. in the end, it felt good to believe again. and i don't hate him for waking up the things sleeping deep inside of me.
the way i see it, one of two things will happen next. i don't know how long it will be, but i'm pretty sure that the next time won't hurt as much. i won't want to stay in bed if it ends. and i don't have to walk around so jaded and convinced that i'll never find it again, much less in this lifetime.
it was nice to believe, even though it was so short lived, that i could find someone to connect with that deeply. and that i could entertain stopping the path to my bed that was simply that, to have something more, something multifaceted.
it was nice to have it all. it felt right.
and i'm finally over the part where i harbor all the horrible residual feelings from losing it. i still feel jipped. i still feel like it was special. but i also feel that, if we never come back to a place where we can share that again, i'll be okay. and i'll probably find it again. and maybe it won't be so brief the next time around.
in the grand scheme of things, it didn't take long at all. i found it a little over a year after i left ever. i found it just two months after i let myself start looking for it again. and like the records i set with him in bed, i feel like i broke more records, when i think about how quickly it all happened.
and i'll never agree with alice about him being my rebound from ever. i feel pretty confident that the time i took away from males for that year (with the exception of chalk, who definitively didn't count) kept me from making that mistake. and maybe solely because ever didn't make me feel those things after the first couple weeks i knew him.
if anything, he was my rebound from the damage coffee caused. it was so much more like that than anything else i've experienced. very old feelings i didn't know i was capable of feeling again.
i felt them. and as smartly as i approached it, i couldn't have been more careful as it fell apart. there was a coaxing that had never been there before. something mutual for the first time i can honestly say i have experienced in my life.
it will happen again. and i'll be okay if it takes another 14 years to find it.
whether it was real, or whether it was just easy for him to make me feel and think those things, i will probably not ever know.
in thinking about the dinner party, what i most looked forward to about being in the same place as him was the chance to be the happy version of myself i was when i met him. to show him that i'm still standing. i don't know why it's so important to me for him to see that he didn't destroy me ultimately. but i'm also realistic enough to know that, if he'd brought a date, i'd have politely excused myself, and probably taken a while to recover.
but aren't the payoffs worth the risk? i return to the previously optimistic version of myself when i think, emphatically, that it's ALWAYS worth the risk. for the learning and knowledge and experience itself, if not for something bigger.
i'm not scared now. i'm not afraid to ask hard questions when put in a room with another boy who broke my heart, just like i wasn't last summer. fearful, yes. but walking away with answers, even when they are in the form of unanswered questions, is something i can accomplish now.
i can work a long day, come home to a house that feels so much less problematic, and so much more complete, not be a drunk, and daydream about the time when that will happen.
after a major setback, i feel like things are okay again. like i've made so much progress, just as i felt before i met greg.
in taking things back (i had a frosty with fries on friday night, and listened to songs that i was unable to stomach before, without so much as a flutter), i feel like my life isn't ruined anymore, which was how it truly felt in the months following being ditched by someone i saw a bright future with.
maybe thinking about it still is a continuation of the setback. but it doesn't feel so inescapable now. it doesn't feel like a heavy wet blanket of sadness holding me down now.
i feel free again, mostly.
and that feels really, really GOOD.
one month. sept 30th - oct 1st.
it's been an interesting month.
a good month. a better month.
weekends now are something to look forward to. fridays are usually not dreaded. except with the driving and thinking parts.
getting on medication was probably one of the better decisions i've made in my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about all of my mistakes and regrets (i'm not very kind to myself), and it's nice to know that i finally got something right.
the first few days were definitely rough, but the first week was already an improvement, and the following weeks have been progressively better. i've lost a lot of sleep from waking up in the middle of the night, but i'm on day two of not taking ativan and being able to fall back asleep. i want to eliminate it completely, which is the goal, but the last time i got to day two, i woke up in the first panic since starting the medication. i'm changing the time i'm taking it on shrink's advice to not take it at night and see if i sleep better. it already seems to be working.
being at work so much was also a good choice. it's going to be nice next week when aubree is back and at work with me, i can take it easy and coast out of the gear i've been stuck in for a few weeks now.
laughing with pam and kim every day is good for me. and spending more time smiling at work than frowning/sad is a noticeable difference. a few people i'm around at work have even commented on it.
and my drive waking up from a several month slumber has made for interesting situations on a daily basis. i feel like i'm constantly sniffing out boys, and have taken back to daydreaming about intern and hoping for that encounter. i'm just thinking about how to accomplish the feat, and then how to seal the deal.
last weekend, i'd been on fb with him about a show we both wanted to go to that was sold out by time we decided to go.
he went on saturday while i was getting fancy, and he texted me a line from ween, from the show.
it made me blush and giggle, most likely entirely too excited by the fact that he randomly thought of me at the show, and because he bothered to text me. i cashed in on the text, spouting lines back and saying we should grab beers sometime. to which he said, 'yeah definitely'.
so there's that, in the back of my mind.
in the front of my mind, as per the usual, is that other boy.
i mostly talked about that at the shrink. why it's taking me so super long to let go and begin to get over it. because i'm still not. she attributes it to being secluded from friends for a while and not having the mental reserve and motivation to get over it. she thinks i'm just now at the beginning, because i'm just now feeling good in general.
the medication is doing what it's supposed to be doing: the highs aren't high, the lows aren't low, i'm not crying, and i'm not worrying. my thoughts are slower, so i can process them like normal people do (i think). and problems are manageable, instead of overwhelming.
but instead of beating myself up about the fact that i know he wouldn't make me happy and still want him back anyway (i cannot figure out why), and besides the fact that he stole my closure from me (can't figure that out either), she encouraged me to let myself be distracted by other boys and to not feel bad that i want someone next to me, short or long term. and to not worry that i'm not able to let go. that now is the time to start that process.
in other news, i finished 'six feet under'. i'd definitely not say that it was the best show i've ever seen. there were a few actors that i really didn't care for at all, throughout the series, some of the acting was pretty terrible.
but the last three episodes. the series finale? it's been stuck in my brain for days now. i keep thinking about the way they ended it, and have been wanting to rewatch it. it feels a little like saying good bye to friends or something - i guess that's a complement to character development.
and the last time i cried, it was watching that show. it felt good to cry about fiction, not reality. the end was so heartbreaking, and fitting.
anyway, now i can't stop listening to sia's 'breathe me'. one of the saddest songs i've heard in a long time. and hearing it makes the show's end play back in my brain.
* * *
riding my bike home yesterday, out of nowhere, i wanted to smoke weed.
i don't know where the idea came from, but i came home and took an apple off the kitchen counter, and hit it.
it was lovely. after a long week, all i wanted to do was drink endless beers. and it was 3 in the afternoon, so that wasn't going to happen.
i smoked. i sat. i drank an emergen-c, which was quite the experience. i sipped off the tart powder foam and giggled. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. too many cigarettes. i looked at the clouds. i smiled in the sun on another crisp afternoon that makes me wistful for fall weather.
and mike came home from work, and came into my room. he saw the apple, and i said i'd stolen it from him, and that he could smoke if he wanted to. and i told him i'd gotten stoned and had a nice afternoon. so he grabbed everything and talked me into going outside to smoke with him. we spent an hour outside, smoking and talking. and he started giggling like a girl.
it was silly. it was fun. he said he wanted my sister to smoke with us.
we discussed it. i can't be the reason she smokes for the first time. but i told him i wanted to smoke with her, too.
then we listened to music. and made snacks and talked in my room for a while.
it was a weird night staying in, but i'm glad that we hung out.
when we were good and stoned, i asked him if he'd quit the y and joined the jcc yet. he said no. i told him he needs to go ahead and join, and meet some nice single jewish boys, because i like jewish boys. and that he should bring them over so i can make out with them. he said that sounded like a lot of work, and that there was nothing in it for him.
this morning, i woke up early and made coffee after laying in bed for a solid hour thinking, and refusing to get up.
but once i did, i stuck to my word, and vacuumed the house from top to bottom. a few hours, spent most of that time on my knees on the stairs, cleaning the runners. there's still fur all in the carpet from ever's zoo and refusal to clean anything when he lived here. i have probably vacuumed them four times since i moved back in, and there's still fur lodged in there. but today, there's a lot less.
the runners look fantastic now, and it felt pretty awesome to clean everything in preparation for both aubree on tuesday and brownies on wednesday. i'm really very excited.
not to mention, it was beautifully cool and breezy, weatherwise, and all the windows were open, letting fresh air in. and sunlight.
and after two half-caff coffees, and cleaning the top two floors, i grabbed the apple and finished off what we'd started last night. and spent time listening to music in headphones and smoking in the sun. and drinking more emergen-c.
that's the problem with me and smoking.
once i start using that crutch, i don't really want to not use it.
like cigarettes, and blaming my writing for making me pick the habit back up again more than once, i blame headphones and beautiful weather for making me want to smoke weed more.
everything sounds better. i'm in my head all the time. headphones drown that noise out. even though things are so much quieter, i definitely have heady days, and today was one of them. cleaning and baking are meditative, always. and spending so much time cleaning with music today, i had a lot of time to think.
i knew i wanted to try to see alice this weekend. it's been like a month since we hung out. and after my trip to the shrink this week, she'd encouraged me to make an effort to see her, and to not be afraid to bring him up.
i guess i've been worried for a while that things ending with him, and the two of them being best friends, would mean that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. and i guess that as far as the shrink is concerned, any time spent thinking about that could be eliminated if i just hung out with her and saw that everything was okay. and that i'd feel even better about it if i brought him up and still saw that everything was okay.
and it was. and i do feel a lot better.
i didn't say a lot about him. but i asked if he was doing okay.
and she'd made a comment earlier in the night and followed it with 'but don't tell him i said that'. and i said, 'i haven't talked to him in two months, what would i possibly tell him, silly?'
she really didn't know. she didn't know what happened. and i didn't really tell her, just said that he dumped me and crushed me and broke my heart. she thought we'd just fizzled.
and i said that i'd tried to keep her out of it and not talk to her about it because i know they're tight, but that if he ever mentioned me, that i wouldn't mind if she encouraged him to do something about it.
i blame it on the two beers i had at the bar, watching the phils win the first division game.
i'm a lightweight now. and they had bells two hearted on draught, so i had a nice head start.
it felt good to take the phils back. the last game i watched was at his house. and the only game i went to this season was with him.
and watching them come back from behind to win with a bunch of drunk happy people was a nice distraction. i think that red october is going to be fun. the past couple years of phillies post season has been an exhausting hobby, but a super fun one that gets me out of the house and in bars with friends. it gives me something to cheer about.
i'll probably watch the games at home more than out, but i'm looking forward to it.
i'm just glad i got over the sense of dread, and sucked it up, and then really enjoyed myself.
and seeing alice made it even better.
man, i love pinback.
i'm going to try to moderate with the whole smoking thing. but man, it's hard. i enjoy feeling inspired. feeling a little more open minded. and wanting to make art. and to write. and wanting to listen to music in the dark, and really appreciate it.
it's better than being drunk and sad.
i can justify anything if i put my mind to it.
a good month. a better month.
weekends now are something to look forward to. fridays are usually not dreaded. except with the driving and thinking parts.
getting on medication was probably one of the better decisions i've made in my life. i spend a lot of time thinking about all of my mistakes and regrets (i'm not very kind to myself), and it's nice to know that i finally got something right.
the first few days were definitely rough, but the first week was already an improvement, and the following weeks have been progressively better. i've lost a lot of sleep from waking up in the middle of the night, but i'm on day two of not taking ativan and being able to fall back asleep. i want to eliminate it completely, which is the goal, but the last time i got to day two, i woke up in the first panic since starting the medication. i'm changing the time i'm taking it on shrink's advice to not take it at night and see if i sleep better. it already seems to be working.
being at work so much was also a good choice. it's going to be nice next week when aubree is back and at work with me, i can take it easy and coast out of the gear i've been stuck in for a few weeks now.
laughing with pam and kim every day is good for me. and spending more time smiling at work than frowning/sad is a noticeable difference. a few people i'm around at work have even commented on it.
and my drive waking up from a several month slumber has made for interesting situations on a daily basis. i feel like i'm constantly sniffing out boys, and have taken back to daydreaming about intern and hoping for that encounter. i'm just thinking about how to accomplish the feat, and then how to seal the deal.
last weekend, i'd been on fb with him about a show we both wanted to go to that was sold out by time we decided to go.
he went on saturday while i was getting fancy, and he texted me a line from ween, from the show.
it made me blush and giggle, most likely entirely too excited by the fact that he randomly thought of me at the show, and because he bothered to text me. i cashed in on the text, spouting lines back and saying we should grab beers sometime. to which he said, 'yeah definitely'.
so there's that, in the back of my mind.
in the front of my mind, as per the usual, is that other boy.
i mostly talked about that at the shrink. why it's taking me so super long to let go and begin to get over it. because i'm still not. she attributes it to being secluded from friends for a while and not having the mental reserve and motivation to get over it. she thinks i'm just now at the beginning, because i'm just now feeling good in general.
the medication is doing what it's supposed to be doing: the highs aren't high, the lows aren't low, i'm not crying, and i'm not worrying. my thoughts are slower, so i can process them like normal people do (i think). and problems are manageable, instead of overwhelming.
but instead of beating myself up about the fact that i know he wouldn't make me happy and still want him back anyway (i cannot figure out why), and besides the fact that he stole my closure from me (can't figure that out either), she encouraged me to let myself be distracted by other boys and to not feel bad that i want someone next to me, short or long term. and to not worry that i'm not able to let go. that now is the time to start that process.
in other news, i finished 'six feet under'. i'd definitely not say that it was the best show i've ever seen. there were a few actors that i really didn't care for at all, throughout the series, some of the acting was pretty terrible.
but the last three episodes. the series finale? it's been stuck in my brain for days now. i keep thinking about the way they ended it, and have been wanting to rewatch it. it feels a little like saying good bye to friends or something - i guess that's a complement to character development.
and the last time i cried, it was watching that show. it felt good to cry about fiction, not reality. the end was so heartbreaking, and fitting.
anyway, now i can't stop listening to sia's 'breathe me'. one of the saddest songs i've heard in a long time. and hearing it makes the show's end play back in my brain.
* * *
riding my bike home yesterday, out of nowhere, i wanted to smoke weed.
i don't know where the idea came from, but i came home and took an apple off the kitchen counter, and hit it.
it was lovely. after a long week, all i wanted to do was drink endless beers. and it was 3 in the afternoon, so that wasn't going to happen.
i smoked. i sat. i drank an emergen-c, which was quite the experience. i sipped off the tart powder foam and giggled. i smoked a lot of cigarettes. too many cigarettes. i looked at the clouds. i smiled in the sun on another crisp afternoon that makes me wistful for fall weather.
and mike came home from work, and came into my room. he saw the apple, and i said i'd stolen it from him, and that he could smoke if he wanted to. and i told him i'd gotten stoned and had a nice afternoon. so he grabbed everything and talked me into going outside to smoke with him. we spent an hour outside, smoking and talking. and he started giggling like a girl.
it was silly. it was fun. he said he wanted my sister to smoke with us.
we discussed it. i can't be the reason she smokes for the first time. but i told him i wanted to smoke with her, too.
then we listened to music. and made snacks and talked in my room for a while.
it was a weird night staying in, but i'm glad that we hung out.
when we were good and stoned, i asked him if he'd quit the y and joined the jcc yet. he said no. i told him he needs to go ahead and join, and meet some nice single jewish boys, because i like jewish boys. and that he should bring them over so i can make out with them. he said that sounded like a lot of work, and that there was nothing in it for him.
this morning, i woke up early and made coffee after laying in bed for a solid hour thinking, and refusing to get up.
but once i did, i stuck to my word, and vacuumed the house from top to bottom. a few hours, spent most of that time on my knees on the stairs, cleaning the runners. there's still fur all in the carpet from ever's zoo and refusal to clean anything when he lived here. i have probably vacuumed them four times since i moved back in, and there's still fur lodged in there. but today, there's a lot less.
the runners look fantastic now, and it felt pretty awesome to clean everything in preparation for both aubree on tuesday and brownies on wednesday. i'm really very excited.
not to mention, it was beautifully cool and breezy, weatherwise, and all the windows were open, letting fresh air in. and sunlight.
and after two half-caff coffees, and cleaning the top two floors, i grabbed the apple and finished off what we'd started last night. and spent time listening to music in headphones and smoking in the sun. and drinking more emergen-c.
that's the problem with me and smoking.
once i start using that crutch, i don't really want to not use it.
like cigarettes, and blaming my writing for making me pick the habit back up again more than once, i blame headphones and beautiful weather for making me want to smoke weed more.
everything sounds better. i'm in my head all the time. headphones drown that noise out. even though things are so much quieter, i definitely have heady days, and today was one of them. cleaning and baking are meditative, always. and spending so much time cleaning with music today, i had a lot of time to think.
i knew i wanted to try to see alice this weekend. it's been like a month since we hung out. and after my trip to the shrink this week, she'd encouraged me to make an effort to see her, and to not be afraid to bring him up.
i guess i've been worried for a while that things ending with him, and the two of them being best friends, would mean that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. and i guess that as far as the shrink is concerned, any time spent thinking about that could be eliminated if i just hung out with her and saw that everything was okay. and that i'd feel even better about it if i brought him up and still saw that everything was okay.
and it was. and i do feel a lot better.
i didn't say a lot about him. but i asked if he was doing okay.
and she'd made a comment earlier in the night and followed it with 'but don't tell him i said that'. and i said, 'i haven't talked to him in two months, what would i possibly tell him, silly?'
she really didn't know. she didn't know what happened. and i didn't really tell her, just said that he dumped me and crushed me and broke my heart. she thought we'd just fizzled.
and i said that i'd tried to keep her out of it and not talk to her about it because i know they're tight, but that if he ever mentioned me, that i wouldn't mind if she encouraged him to do something about it.
i blame it on the two beers i had at the bar, watching the phils win the first division game.
i'm a lightweight now. and they had bells two hearted on draught, so i had a nice head start.
it felt good to take the phils back. the last game i watched was at his house. and the only game i went to this season was with him.
and watching them come back from behind to win with a bunch of drunk happy people was a nice distraction. i think that red october is going to be fun. the past couple years of phillies post season has been an exhausting hobby, but a super fun one that gets me out of the house and in bars with friends. it gives me something to cheer about.
i'll probably watch the games at home more than out, but i'm looking forward to it.
i'm just glad i got over the sense of dread, and sucked it up, and then really enjoyed myself.
and seeing alice made it even better.
man, i love pinback.
i'm going to try to moderate with the whole smoking thing. but man, it's hard. i enjoy feeling inspired. feeling a little more open minded. and wanting to make art. and to write. and wanting to listen to music in the dark, and really appreciate it.
it's better than being drunk and sad.
i can justify anything if i put my mind to it.
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