chalk talk with nina is so different from coffee talk with kit.
lots of laughing tonight in chat. talking about what to expect. what needs to be said versus the unspoken.
i had a smoke on the stoop and remembered the talk kit had with me the other day.
i was asking advice on intern, probably. and we had been talking about my work. but started talking about stupid coffee. and she got frustrated with me again. because, once again, i admitted that i will probably never be 'done' with him.
i had to get to the point i was at when i went home to ask him why he never kissed me. and what i didn't know then, that i do know now, is that i needed to ask more than that. but i was so shocked that everything left my brain, as it always does. and i know that even that night, i couldn't come up with the solution.
but now, two weeks later, i know the solution. it requires more questions. and i may or may not have the answers in this lifetime.
the difference now, she'll be relieved to know, is that i'm going on without my future hinging on his words.
because the important stuff, the really important stuff, is not something that he will ever give me. i know that he wasn't waiting for me. i know that he wasn't thinking of me, too. because if he had been, he would have had something more to say to me.
and i guess that the heartbreak part of all of that is just that, in my head, i hoped he was. in my heart, i really truly believed it. i thought that december was something. and i thought that maybe it was perfect. and that maybe he was thinking about me, too.
but he could have said something to me when i told him that i felt like i never got the timing right with him. and that he confused me.
but he said nothing.
and the thing is, if he had said something to me in december, i would have said something back. and that's the difference. because i would have been waiting to hear him say anything like that to me.
i don't know. it's a slow processing. and i'm not nearly as crushed as i thought i would be. but i don't think it's because i don't feel it or realize it.
i think it's because, once again, i feel like it isn't over with him. i still want to kiss him. just to see. just to know.
and unless i'm near him, sans girlfriend of any variety, i will never know. i'll never get that.
and even if he is single again, and i feel like it's okay to say more or ask more or just go for it, i still might not know. because he is more of an avoider than i am.
he'll probably always squirm out of the hard questions.
sigh.
so, yeah. the chalk talk was more fun than that discussion. nina told me to buy a box of condoms. and i said i don't want to. and she said, 'have kit buy them and drop em on your stoop.' and i said, 'she can throw them up to my window.'
only it's not like that.
but she is right. i'll have to take control if i want to be in control of that piece of the weekend. i'm more than certain he'll come prepared. but if he isn't, i need to be prepared.
it's so strange thinking about it.
in one week, he'll be here.
and i'm excited. certainly. i thought about it all day today. if he'll try to kiss me in the car. or makeout when i pick him up. if he'll try to touch me in the car, driving home.
i don't know. it's strange. i like thinking about it. it makes me smile.
because i know exactly what is going to happen.
at the same time, it's very different for me to not have smitten feelings all in the mix.
really foreign.
and then there's the issue of intern. i asked him for the second and last time about the movies this weekend. and he didn't get back to me. then my phone died. but i'm pretty certain that he won't have done so when i get it turned back on.
and it's the only chase i'm really into. it's this challenge that i want to compete in and win.
and it makes me want to say to him, 'i know why you haven't had sex, you dummy. it's because you don't follow up with ladies. you go out with your stupid, immature friends instead. who are mean and treat you like shit (yes, i know they're joking, but still...) instead of going out with ladies. dumb ass.'
and in thinking these three simultaneous thought streams outside a minute ago, i wrote in paper journal: 'boy crazy tea. at it again.'
because here i am. thinking about the oldest thing in my heart, the newest thing in my heart, and the boy who's about to be in my bed.
and i'm juggling, but i'm not really juggling, because only one thing is certain. the rest are just living daydreams. or non-living daydreams.
i wish that i was done with coffee. which is why i spend so much less time thinking about him and going through it in my brain, and really feeling the hurt of it. it's like my marriage, in a way. something died when i didn't get what i went there for. and it's like my brain just told my heart, 'it's over. you'll get through it. move on.'
my brain lags occasionally. like it forgets that it's dead. and the best part is just that i don't cry about it. i'm sure i will. i cried about it the initial day after. but not since, really.
and not nearly as much as i thought i would, past withstanding and all.
and in a way, the three of them are like a past/present/future.
not that i want a future with intern. but i'd take a good six months of playing with him.
chalk is present tense.
coffee is past. not present. and most likely not future.
i think what gets to me is just the way he made me feel. i want to know if i made him feel like that. kit thinks i should ask things remotely, from here. but i can't. i just can't. because i don't want his current situation to influence his answers. and... i need to see his eyes when i talk to him about it. i couldn't look him in the eye the night of the big question. but i won't be so scared next time.
it would be much more casual.
and if this girl was so wonderful that i knocked myself out over her, then maybe i would. but i give it six months. six months of living with a girl who is so much younger than him, that when he was a senior, she was in kindergarten. i wish i understood it. maybe it's that she puts up with his bullshit. lots of couples work because of that.
but i think it will end. so i think i'll have another conversation with him, when the weather is cooler. december was great the last time. it could be great again.
and if it's not, and if they get married and i never ask, at least i know that it wasn't what i thought it was. and that is something.
so tonight was the event that i was strictly forbidden by ever from attending.
and i tried not to think about it too much, but it did make me sad. i was thinking yesterday that i miss my puppy. and that the thought of having to see him to get her freaks me out completely. enough to keep me from ever seeing her again.
after a month of not talking to him or writing to him, i guess i just don't want to have to again. i will. i know this is my avoider mechanism. because my life is so much easier without him in it.
kit found a pool. a few blocks from our apartments. so she took me today and we went for an adult swim.
it was awesome.
it made me feel like i'll survive the summer.
we both felt completely recharged after we went there.
i am really happy about it. the deepest part is maybe five feet, and it's too crowded, so it's not for swimming laps like a pool in a gym would be. but it's sun and cool and it's a POOL.
but we were talking at one point, and she said, 'i don't know how you did it for so long, tea. i just don't know how.'
thinking back on the last ten years of my life, i don't know how i did it either. but what i said to her is that there were good days. and on the bad days, i was always a chunk of days away from some perk of being with him. getting to see people that i wouldn't be friends with otherwise. getting vip-type access on a fairly regular basis.
and i don't know if i'll be able to work something out, where i still get to see those people on the occasions when they're in town. cook for them, bake for them, as i have for the past ten years.
but if i don't, those were the experiences that kept me in that marriage longer than i wanted to be.
i mean, new years of this year. once in a lifetime experience. and that almost made the last few months worth it. crazy. but honestly how i feel about it all.
it will be over a year before i experience all the repercussions of my leaving him that aren't directly related to him. it will be probably three years until i experience all of what he has in store for me.
i'm scared. of what he'll do. i'm afraid of what he will or won't sign and agree to. i'm afraid of what would happen if he ever saw me out with a guy. i just think he'd snap. and it wouldn't matter if he was with a girl or not. because it's not about him. it's about me.
and i was talking to nina about that part of things, and she asked how i'd feel if i saw him out with a girl. and i thought about it before i answered. i really don't care. i don't think i'd freak out at all. i think it would be interesting to see who he picked next. what she looks like, how she dresses. and if it was someone i knew, that would certainly have an effect on my initial reaction.
but the same could be said for me. everything i like about boys is so different from him. so he'd probably be pretty surprised to see me with dark haired, clean cut, preppy boys who wear baseball hats. or who wear pleated pants. i really hope chalk doesn't pack pleated pants. but i do hope he packs that polo cologne that was making nina and me smell him all night.
stay on topic. this is going somewhere...
i am consistent in what i like. find the stringbean-iest boy. if he has brown/black hair and a neatly trimmed beard, that's my man. and if he's only a little taller than me, it doesn't get any better than that.
i don't know ever's type. he'd probably like the bicycling dirty warehouse girls. the art school girls with crazy hair and thrifted clothes. i used to be the thrifty art school type, even though i didn't go to art school. he'll probably have a punk rock girlfriend, squatter style.
they can be smelly stoners together.
and that makes me happy. beeeee yourself. right? enjoy what you like.
if only he could have the same healthy mentality.
if only he could figure this all out for himself someday.
i did him a favor. he just won't know it for a long time. maybe never. but i'll give him five years to be glad i left his ass.
i'm sure that, like me, he's enjoying his freedom. and i hope for his sake that he's bagging girls. i mean, i never would have thought in a million years that i'd be trying to get boys into my bed. but newfound freedom is fun like that. it makes you do things you never think you'd do. and makes you want things you were content giving up for the rest of your life before you were in a position to wnat them again.
it's an interesting journey. it's lonely. last weekend was the roughest one i've had in a long time.
but then, on nights like tonight, when i have friends to talk to, and a friend like kit who took me out to a fancy dinner, you realize that the good days outnumber the bad. and that, when you have friends to lean on, it's not so bad.
because, ultimately? i'm so much happier now. i'm myself. a slightly drunker version of myself. but i'm not making too many bad decisions. i leave those to my random trips to florida.
up here, in the city, i make a lot of good decisions.
and i go through the hard shit without mom hugs and nina hugs and aubree hugs. and i rely on kit entirely too much, but we take care of each other, and most days i don't feel like it's a one way street. most days, i think she enjoys my company almost as much as i enjoy hers. most days i don't feel like i'm taking advantage of her. and we try to help each other out in ways that we can as often as possible.
i don't know where i'd be without her. honestly, it's crazy, but i bet i'd still be with ever.
if i never met kit, i don't know if i would have had the balls to leave him. because i wouldn't have had a place to crash. and a place to sublet. and that was how it happened that i left him.
i probably would have. but it would have taken a hell of a lot longer. and it would have been much harder.
sleep is my friend, too.
i went to bed at 930 last night. i probably fell asleep at 1030, i don't remember what happened, but i woke up and looked at the clock at 1111. and shook my head at the irony. i think i got a text or something. went back to sleep. got up at 830. ten hours of sleep. somehow i think it was too much. my back was hurting from the quantity of sleep. but i feel like i recovered just in time to have energy for this weekend.
i don't know what i'll do. if intern doesn't go with me to the movies on sunday, i'll go alone. i need to do that anyway. i just wanted to squeeze his knee at the crazy parts of the hubble movie and then talk him into dark sky park part two in september.
i want to go dancing tomorrow night, but right now it doesn't even seem that thrilling. that's the problem with dancing. when i want to go, i feel it in my bones. and when i don't get to, it kills me. i could go either way. i do hope i go. because it makes me feel so much better. it's just fun.
tomorrow i need to go to the store and also get my phone fixed. replaced, swapped out, whatever.
discuss iphone. i don't know. i have this huge qualm with iphone. i really don't like it. i don't want to have to depend on it. i don't want the temptation all day every day to be hooked on it.
but at this point, the financial aspect of it isn't there. i'm spending just as much somehow on my shit phone as i would to have internet all day every day.
those hipstamatic prints make me want one. that, and scrabble.
but i think that being on fb any more than i already am is going to be problematic.
i'll have to keep strict guidelines imposed.
and i'll have to police it myself.
i don't know if i can handle the responsibility.
sweet dreams, friends. thank you for being there for me. i couldn't do this without you.
paranoid android. july 21st.
so the third arm of that post, besides being both excited and nervous, was being paranoid. my writing was cut short by an impromptu trip to new jersey, wherein kit and i got lost for the better part of half an hour, trying to find a mall. when i came back, i'd lost my train of thought, and just wrapped it up.
but i was just getting to the good part. the most important part. because it's what goes on inside my head all day every day.
this is the thing:
i'm a paranoid girl.
in my day to day, i fear things. when i used to smoke pot, it cranked the paranoia to eleven. always has, probably always will. i have to remind myself that i am okay. which is my main reason for not going out of my way to smoke at all anymore these days.
but this is how it relates to my current life:
now that i'm living a single life, while still technically married to a crazy person, i feel like i'm constantly looking over my shoulder.
with regards to chalk and intern, there are the exact same fears. one is that we would be smoking on my stoop and ever would go by. or a friend of his would go by. and he would somehow see/find out.
another is that i'll be out with one of them, and will either run into ever or a friend. if it's with intern, things get exponentially worse, because everyone who knows ever knows who he is. at least with chalk, it's just some random dude to these people. no one would have a way to reference him or figure out who exactly he is.
aside from that, i fear mutual friends on fb noticing that a comment is made, and extrapolating from there. or pictures.
so these are the common fears. and really, if it was a third person, not intern and not chalk, i'd fear the same things.
but then there are separate fears.
with chalk, i know we will go out for dinner. and/or drinks. and part of me wants to go to a completely different neighborhood to do that. because i have a feeling it's going to seem date-like, despite the fact that it's not a date.
it's not a date, because i'm not allowed to date. yet. not until february 14th of 2011.
which is the worst day of all to be allowed to go on a date.
if i was allowed, i wouldn't choose to go with chalk, because he's not someone i'm interested in dating.
in any case, things will appear differently when i'm out with chalk than if, for example, intern decides to go see a movie with me this weekend.
not a date. nothing even remotely resembling a date. but, somehow, entirely inappropriate. ever is a firm believer that men and women cannot be friends. he thinks it's physically impossible. because one of them will always want to fuck the other.
i do not agree. but in these particular examples, i would be dead wrong.
but still, going out with intern cannot be misconstrued, because there would be nothing to misconstrue.
but chalk has plans to seduce me upon arrival, so anything and everything he says and does will be ripe for construing. and he is relentless, so he will be shameless. and depending on where we are, i'll probably follow suit after a drink or five.
when nina was here, i noted it. that first day out, in the city (which is something i rarely ever do, but did with her) i saw nine people i knew in about three hours.
when applying this math to being out anywhere in the city with a boy, and adding murphy's law into the equation, it makes me fear leaving my apartment for any reason, at all.
even to have cigarettes. both boys smoke, so it's not like i can just sit out front alone and smoke and make them stay inside.
so then i started to wonder. if i smoke out my kitchen window with the fan blowing out, would landlord smell it? without a doubt, my answer is yes. he'd probably let himself in to investigate a possible fire on the second floor.
it would serve him right if he saw the naked kitchen smokefest. not to mention, it would be grounds for breaking my lease. because no landlord should ever be in a situation wherein they see their tenant naked. under any circumstances.
these thought processes just reconfirm the idea in my brain that i need to go home.
no one back home will be a spy for ever. ever would never be there. no one would run into me and have juicy gossip to share with him or his crew.
and it is both stupid and shitty, and also lame, that i let my fear of him influence my life without him.
intern would be a low blow. i promised him i'd never fuck anyone he is friends with. i can redefine 'friend' and justify intern. but it doesn't really matter. he knows him. he introduced us. it's not cool. but i cannot help myself.
and i know he'd flip the fuck out if he ever saw me out, with any boy, ever.
and his growing posse would text him upon discovery if they saw me. especially if they saw me without me seeing them. anonymous tips. ugh.
see how paranoid i am? i spend hours a day, and even more when i'm trying to go to sleep at night, thinking about this bullshit.
it's all worry and stress.
and the thing is? i should NOT CARE. but i do.
at 32, i still care what people think about me. i wish i didn't. because it is my life. and this is my freedom. i am paying and will continue to pay a high price for it.
and somehow it doesn't change the fact that i still live in fear of the shadow my husband casts over me.
there was a day when i was out with alice. i was still living in the house, but we'd split. and no one knew because ever hadn't told anyone he worked with.
and we were at a bar, for brunch. and had a cigarette out front. and the girl who now lives with ever drove by and saw me and yelled my name.
it's little things like that, when i'm not doing something wrong, when i'm not kissing some boy in public, that reaffirm my paranoid belief system.
plus, like the power of positive thinking, if you think you're going to get busted, you act in ways that will make you more likely to get busted. like making the first right turn when a cop gets behind you. never a good idea. learned that watching 'cops'.
i don't remember if i wrote it before or not, but when i was out with brownies, she said something about being surprised that ever let me out of the house to see her in new york.
and it didn't make me angry, like she thought it would. and it didn't make me feel bad then, either.
but it's one of those things. at the time, you say, 'ha! that's funny. totally not how it is'.
and then you think about it and you think about it. and you start to put together all the little pieces, and you realize, 'hey. that's not funny at all. how can this person who was completely removed from my life know my life better than i have, when i've been living it for the past ten years?'
it's strange. i'd never have said that ever was controlling when i was with him. because he was good at it. by way of guilt.
and here i sit, free from him for five months now. and he's STILL controlling me. by way of my guilt. because i know what he would say/think/feel/do if he only knew what i was doing.
it's a mindfuck.
i don't want to think like this. i don't want to be afraid. i don't want to make decisions based on ever anymore. i did that for so long, though, that maybe it will take years of undoing.
or maybe it will just take a change of scenery. which is how i justify moving home. because it's not that i'm running away from ever or my problems. it's that i need a place to just be myself. where he can't see me and won't catch wind of it.
and sure, there are 783112365468 places in this world to live, besides phila. but at the same time, there's no place like home. right? i mean, it's in 'the wizard of oz'. it must be true.
i want all the comforts of home, only on my own terms. i want my family to be nearby, but wouldn't live with them.
i want the pool. i really really miss that pool. every single day, i miss that pool. and when i am awake at night, i miss it even more. just being able to wear myself out swimming laps under the moon and summer constellations. i want the magic back.
i want a new social setting. some of the same people as the ones who were in my old life before ever, plus new people i'll meet along the way. i made a few new friends in the two weeks i was home, and was only out a few nights.
but i also want different settings. i like the places that i would hang out now. and would actively seek out others, until i create my own place. none of the old haunts are really around anymore. everything back home has changed.
thinking about it has given my age-old dream of having a coffee house back to me. i've reclaimed it. i only thought that i didn't want it, because i'm burnt on it right now. but after a break, i am back in it. and i just had to realize that the place i work every day now is not what i want for myself. but the only way to get what i want is to keep going to work.
i just have to add craft beer to the mix, and really awesome food, and it will be perfect.
and that makes me feel a lot better about anything i'm going to face in the next year. because the reward of all of this will be so much sweeter in the end.
when i was writing to the writer, i honestly thought that my dream had died, and i felt both hopeless and lost. i felt like there was no guiding force to keep me on track. to keep my focus in the right place.
and now, i just want it all. and i want it now.
and i'll wait, because good things come to those who do. but i have to work on some things in the meantime.
mental processes and such.
luckily, i have an appointment with my shrink next week. on tuesday. i don't really know what will happen or come from it. i do know that i wish that i could have a double session. but other than that, i am interested to get her take on things.
particularly in regards to motivating factors. because i know that something bigger is going on inside my head. but just like good advice, it's easy to see it in others and not in yourself.
every decision i make has a series of effectors. and if i can figure out what the effectors are, then i'll be better off.
she's going to have a field day.
but i was just getting to the good part. the most important part. because it's what goes on inside my head all day every day.
this is the thing:
i'm a paranoid girl.
in my day to day, i fear things. when i used to smoke pot, it cranked the paranoia to eleven. always has, probably always will. i have to remind myself that i am okay. which is my main reason for not going out of my way to smoke at all anymore these days.
but this is how it relates to my current life:
now that i'm living a single life, while still technically married to a crazy person, i feel like i'm constantly looking over my shoulder.
with regards to chalk and intern, there are the exact same fears. one is that we would be smoking on my stoop and ever would go by. or a friend of his would go by. and he would somehow see/find out.
another is that i'll be out with one of them, and will either run into ever or a friend. if it's with intern, things get exponentially worse, because everyone who knows ever knows who he is. at least with chalk, it's just some random dude to these people. no one would have a way to reference him or figure out who exactly he is.
aside from that, i fear mutual friends on fb noticing that a comment is made, and extrapolating from there. or pictures.
so these are the common fears. and really, if it was a third person, not intern and not chalk, i'd fear the same things.
but then there are separate fears.
with chalk, i know we will go out for dinner. and/or drinks. and part of me wants to go to a completely different neighborhood to do that. because i have a feeling it's going to seem date-like, despite the fact that it's not a date.
it's not a date, because i'm not allowed to date. yet. not until february 14th of 2011.
which is the worst day of all to be allowed to go on a date.
if i was allowed, i wouldn't choose to go with chalk, because he's not someone i'm interested in dating.
in any case, things will appear differently when i'm out with chalk than if, for example, intern decides to go see a movie with me this weekend.
not a date. nothing even remotely resembling a date. but, somehow, entirely inappropriate. ever is a firm believer that men and women cannot be friends. he thinks it's physically impossible. because one of them will always want to fuck the other.
i do not agree. but in these particular examples, i would be dead wrong.
but still, going out with intern cannot be misconstrued, because there would be nothing to misconstrue.
but chalk has plans to seduce me upon arrival, so anything and everything he says and does will be ripe for construing. and he is relentless, so he will be shameless. and depending on where we are, i'll probably follow suit after a drink or five.
when nina was here, i noted it. that first day out, in the city (which is something i rarely ever do, but did with her) i saw nine people i knew in about three hours.
when applying this math to being out anywhere in the city with a boy, and adding murphy's law into the equation, it makes me fear leaving my apartment for any reason, at all.
even to have cigarettes. both boys smoke, so it's not like i can just sit out front alone and smoke and make them stay inside.
so then i started to wonder. if i smoke out my kitchen window with the fan blowing out, would landlord smell it? without a doubt, my answer is yes. he'd probably let himself in to investigate a possible fire on the second floor.
it would serve him right if he saw the naked kitchen smokefest. not to mention, it would be grounds for breaking my lease. because no landlord should ever be in a situation wherein they see their tenant naked. under any circumstances.
these thought processes just reconfirm the idea in my brain that i need to go home.
no one back home will be a spy for ever. ever would never be there. no one would run into me and have juicy gossip to share with him or his crew.
and it is both stupid and shitty, and also lame, that i let my fear of him influence my life without him.
intern would be a low blow. i promised him i'd never fuck anyone he is friends with. i can redefine 'friend' and justify intern. but it doesn't really matter. he knows him. he introduced us. it's not cool. but i cannot help myself.
and i know he'd flip the fuck out if he ever saw me out, with any boy, ever.
and his growing posse would text him upon discovery if they saw me. especially if they saw me without me seeing them. anonymous tips. ugh.
see how paranoid i am? i spend hours a day, and even more when i'm trying to go to sleep at night, thinking about this bullshit.
it's all worry and stress.
and the thing is? i should NOT CARE. but i do.
at 32, i still care what people think about me. i wish i didn't. because it is my life. and this is my freedom. i am paying and will continue to pay a high price for it.
and somehow it doesn't change the fact that i still live in fear of the shadow my husband casts over me.
there was a day when i was out with alice. i was still living in the house, but we'd split. and no one knew because ever hadn't told anyone he worked with.
and we were at a bar, for brunch. and had a cigarette out front. and the girl who now lives with ever drove by and saw me and yelled my name.
it's little things like that, when i'm not doing something wrong, when i'm not kissing some boy in public, that reaffirm my paranoid belief system.
plus, like the power of positive thinking, if you think you're going to get busted, you act in ways that will make you more likely to get busted. like making the first right turn when a cop gets behind you. never a good idea. learned that watching 'cops'.
i don't remember if i wrote it before or not, but when i was out with brownies, she said something about being surprised that ever let me out of the house to see her in new york.
and it didn't make me angry, like she thought it would. and it didn't make me feel bad then, either.
but it's one of those things. at the time, you say, 'ha! that's funny. totally not how it is'.
and then you think about it and you think about it. and you start to put together all the little pieces, and you realize, 'hey. that's not funny at all. how can this person who was completely removed from my life know my life better than i have, when i've been living it for the past ten years?'
it's strange. i'd never have said that ever was controlling when i was with him. because he was good at it. by way of guilt.
and here i sit, free from him for five months now. and he's STILL controlling me. by way of my guilt. because i know what he would say/think/feel/do if he only knew what i was doing.
it's a mindfuck.
i don't want to think like this. i don't want to be afraid. i don't want to make decisions based on ever anymore. i did that for so long, though, that maybe it will take years of undoing.
or maybe it will just take a change of scenery. which is how i justify moving home. because it's not that i'm running away from ever or my problems. it's that i need a place to just be myself. where he can't see me and won't catch wind of it.
and sure, there are 783112365468 places in this world to live, besides phila. but at the same time, there's no place like home. right? i mean, it's in 'the wizard of oz'. it must be true.
i want all the comforts of home, only on my own terms. i want my family to be nearby, but wouldn't live with them.
i want the pool. i really really miss that pool. every single day, i miss that pool. and when i am awake at night, i miss it even more. just being able to wear myself out swimming laps under the moon and summer constellations. i want the magic back.
i want a new social setting. some of the same people as the ones who were in my old life before ever, plus new people i'll meet along the way. i made a few new friends in the two weeks i was home, and was only out a few nights.
but i also want different settings. i like the places that i would hang out now. and would actively seek out others, until i create my own place. none of the old haunts are really around anymore. everything back home has changed.
thinking about it has given my age-old dream of having a coffee house back to me. i've reclaimed it. i only thought that i didn't want it, because i'm burnt on it right now. but after a break, i am back in it. and i just had to realize that the place i work every day now is not what i want for myself. but the only way to get what i want is to keep going to work.
i just have to add craft beer to the mix, and really awesome food, and it will be perfect.
and that makes me feel a lot better about anything i'm going to face in the next year. because the reward of all of this will be so much sweeter in the end.
when i was writing to the writer, i honestly thought that my dream had died, and i felt both hopeless and lost. i felt like there was no guiding force to keep me on track. to keep my focus in the right place.
and now, i just want it all. and i want it now.
and i'll wait, because good things come to those who do. but i have to work on some things in the meantime.
mental processes and such.
luckily, i have an appointment with my shrink next week. on tuesday. i don't really know what will happen or come from it. i do know that i wish that i could have a double session. but other than that, i am interested to get her take on things.
particularly in regards to motivating factors. because i know that something bigger is going on inside my head. but just like good advice, it's easy to see it in others and not in yourself.
every decision i make has a series of effectors. and if i can figure out what the effectors are, then i'll be better off.
she's going to have a field day.
everything wrong is right again. july 20th.
actually, it isn't necessarily all right again.
but things are a little bit better.
for starters, something has happened at work, which makes me feel better about everything at work.
i think that one big piece of the puzzle for me, so far as moving home goes, is that i didn't have a suitable replacement.
there is one employee who i adore, and who would do a fantastic job if she was in my position. but she was talking about moving away at the end of the summer, so i counted her as a loss, and felt like i had no other choice but to hire outside. if and when i move home.
which feels, every day, like when. not really if.
and then last night, she texted me saying that she would be interested in stealing my job when i leave.
it was random. i'd told her that i'd told kenna about her being the only person i could see doing my job.
and she thought about it, and at nine last night, mentioned it to me.
so i guess that i feel like the pressure is off. i really hate feeling stuck. like things are permanent, and not fixable. and i have said and written that work is my tether to this city.
i felt like i couldn't leave kenna, because she would be hard pressed to keep the company and hire a stranger. the last time she did that, the girl stole thirty thousand dollars from our company over the course of her first four months.
but with this little piece of information, everything feels different now.
i had a rough day today. mostly because i was tired and ate too much sugar, which caused me to crash out at noon. but after i got over that, thanks to a quick smoke break spent texting and talking to kit, i went back to work, and tried to put things into perspective.
kenna will be okay. it's her business. she's had district managers leave before, though not from four states away. and she knows that i wouldn't set her up to fail. i have to also know that i can leave, because it isn't my business. if she can leave and it is her business, i can leave and try not to worry about it.
kit wrote about seven year itches the other day, and i also posted about telling intern that it's hard to do any job for seven years.
and it's true. i don't know what it is about seven years. but i've lived in phila for seven years. and i was married for (very nearly) seven years. i've had this job for seven years.
and suddenly, i can't get out of here fast enough.
now what tethers me to this city is my apartment. i cannot afford to give up the $1400 i dropped to move into this shithole.
so i will have to think about how to fix it by subletting.
i haven't done it before, and i hope to not ever have to do it again. but if i cannot stay here until next summer, i'll have to figure it out.
i was telling kit yesterday that the day i signed the lease for this place, i had all these qualms. i didn't know if it was fear of commitment or that i was settling or that landlord vibed me out.
but now i know that it wasn't a fear of commitment. it was the feeling that this wasn't the right place for me. and i guess i had a clue about landlord being the kind of dude who would come into my apartment twice since i moved in on may 1st.
the kind of dude who doesn't tell you he lives in the building until you move in and he offers to help you.
ugh.
i don't want to think about it. i've obviously told him not to come into my apartment. and if he does it again, who's to say that wouldn't be grounds for breaking my lease?
again, don't want to deal with the apartment right now.
but in thinking about kenna and my job? that is getting somewhere.
i can't imagine working for someone else. i can't imagine not being the coffee lady anymore. i can't imagine not living in this city. i also can't imagine legally becoming what i once was in terms of surnames, and i can't imagine being a 'divorcee', because at this point it feels like it will go on forever.
everyone has been asking me about it the past couple days.
i don't know why i haven't talked about it or written about it.
but i emailed the lawyer when i got back. i told him that i'd gotten an email from ever threatening not to sign the divorce order. and asked him if he knew when he would receive it, and that hopefully ever will be over this little temper tantrum by then.
he said that he filed with the phila courts while i was home (july 1st) and that once the court processes it, it will be sent back to him. he will in turn send it to ever. and he will keep me posted on all progress.
so that's where that is.
it's been a whole month since i had any correspondence with ever.
it is the most surreal thing. in life, day to day, i don't think of him or miss him or want to call him or email him or text him.
and then i think about it. the one person i spent the last TEN YEARS of my life with, seven years being married to, and i don't even think of him. it's insane.
he wrote me that ridiculous email right before i flew home. and i wrote a response but didn't send it, thinking that when i was off of my vacation, that i'd edit and send it then.
and i decided in the last few days that not only is he not getting that response, but he isn't going to get any.
not even one, like the one he sent me, stating that his lawyers advised him not to put anything in writing.
a childish email like the one he sent me deserves absolutely no response. i will not stoop to his level. he gave twisted versions of the reasons why i left. so clearly he gets it. so clearly i don't need to clarify.
in other news, i have officially given chalk the green light for his visit. he'll be here next weekend, not this coming, but the following.
the end of the month.
i am feeling a lot of different ways about it.
for starters, i'm excited.
if the weekend is anything like those two hours on the pool deck, i'm not going to want to come up for air. but i will. for fear of acclimation difficulties when it's over.
also, in light of certain new addictions to alone time, i think it's going to be quite a bit of fun.
but, also? i'm kinda scared.
having casual, but totally careful, sex is something i am not familiar with. it's something i never thought i would be into, or do.
having a 'fuck buddy' or 'friend with benefits' or 'booty call' are things that i never in a million years thought i would refer to when speaking of my own sex life.
and maybe this will be the one and only. maybe when he leaves, i'll be so mixed up that i won't be able to ever do it again.
part of me is afraid that, just like that makeout session, this weekend with him will leave me wanting more. like, an addiction to replace the current one, wherein i handle things myself.
and i'm nervous.
what if i'm bad at sex? what if i can't keep up with him? what if everything feels different on this turf?
i want to be good and have fun and do it a lot. but what if my body is tired and disagreeable?
will he think of it as a lost cause? a waste of money?
can i let him take me out to a nice dinner and drinks? and not feel like he's in some way paying for sex? i don't know the rules about bed buddies. i'm not hip to this knowledge.
what if all that time with a lazy husband and shitty sex has made me a lazy girl who sucks at sex?
it's a lot of pressure. to be the first one, after the same one for years and years.
i think the only thing that makes me feel better is that he's smart and witty and will make it fun no matter what. he is very into making me feel good, which is something i haven't experienced since 1999. it's refreshing.
i don't know.
it's a lot of stuff to feel out. and the problem with being married is, once you're not, you kinda forget what life is like on the outside. and you don't have something to call normal anymore. because what normal was? it doesn't exist anymore.
so right now, i honestly have no idea what to expect. and i have advisors. but i'm in this one on my own.
it's going to be interesting to say the least. and i'm going to learn a lot, i bet, in two short days.
the parameters have been set. the ticket is being purchased. it is nearly here, too. which is crazy.
i think he's jumping at the chance before i have time to change my mind. little does he know, i do not intend to change my mind. i wouldn't have offered or allowed it if i wasn't up for it.
i just hope i can deal with what happens next.
whatever that is. hookup remorse. sex addiction issues. whatever. the gamut.
i'm in it to win it. i'm in it to feel good and enjoy the freedom i've claimed for myself.
and i will try to worry less and enjoy more.
but things are a little bit better.
for starters, something has happened at work, which makes me feel better about everything at work.
i think that one big piece of the puzzle for me, so far as moving home goes, is that i didn't have a suitable replacement.
there is one employee who i adore, and who would do a fantastic job if she was in my position. but she was talking about moving away at the end of the summer, so i counted her as a loss, and felt like i had no other choice but to hire outside. if and when i move home.
which feels, every day, like when. not really if.
and then last night, she texted me saying that she would be interested in stealing my job when i leave.
it was random. i'd told her that i'd told kenna about her being the only person i could see doing my job.
and she thought about it, and at nine last night, mentioned it to me.
so i guess that i feel like the pressure is off. i really hate feeling stuck. like things are permanent, and not fixable. and i have said and written that work is my tether to this city.
i felt like i couldn't leave kenna, because she would be hard pressed to keep the company and hire a stranger. the last time she did that, the girl stole thirty thousand dollars from our company over the course of her first four months.
but with this little piece of information, everything feels different now.
i had a rough day today. mostly because i was tired and ate too much sugar, which caused me to crash out at noon. but after i got over that, thanks to a quick smoke break spent texting and talking to kit, i went back to work, and tried to put things into perspective.
kenna will be okay. it's her business. she's had district managers leave before, though not from four states away. and she knows that i wouldn't set her up to fail. i have to also know that i can leave, because it isn't my business. if she can leave and it is her business, i can leave and try not to worry about it.
kit wrote about seven year itches the other day, and i also posted about telling intern that it's hard to do any job for seven years.
and it's true. i don't know what it is about seven years. but i've lived in phila for seven years. and i was married for (very nearly) seven years. i've had this job for seven years.
and suddenly, i can't get out of here fast enough.
now what tethers me to this city is my apartment. i cannot afford to give up the $1400 i dropped to move into this shithole.
so i will have to think about how to fix it by subletting.
i haven't done it before, and i hope to not ever have to do it again. but if i cannot stay here until next summer, i'll have to figure it out.
i was telling kit yesterday that the day i signed the lease for this place, i had all these qualms. i didn't know if it was fear of commitment or that i was settling or that landlord vibed me out.
but now i know that it wasn't a fear of commitment. it was the feeling that this wasn't the right place for me. and i guess i had a clue about landlord being the kind of dude who would come into my apartment twice since i moved in on may 1st.
the kind of dude who doesn't tell you he lives in the building until you move in and he offers to help you.
ugh.
i don't want to think about it. i've obviously told him not to come into my apartment. and if he does it again, who's to say that wouldn't be grounds for breaking my lease?
again, don't want to deal with the apartment right now.
but in thinking about kenna and my job? that is getting somewhere.
i can't imagine working for someone else. i can't imagine not being the coffee lady anymore. i can't imagine not living in this city. i also can't imagine legally becoming what i once was in terms of surnames, and i can't imagine being a 'divorcee', because at this point it feels like it will go on forever.
everyone has been asking me about it the past couple days.
i don't know why i haven't talked about it or written about it.
but i emailed the lawyer when i got back. i told him that i'd gotten an email from ever threatening not to sign the divorce order. and asked him if he knew when he would receive it, and that hopefully ever will be over this little temper tantrum by then.
he said that he filed with the phila courts while i was home (july 1st) and that once the court processes it, it will be sent back to him. he will in turn send it to ever. and he will keep me posted on all progress.
so that's where that is.
it's been a whole month since i had any correspondence with ever.
it is the most surreal thing. in life, day to day, i don't think of him or miss him or want to call him or email him or text him.
and then i think about it. the one person i spent the last TEN YEARS of my life with, seven years being married to, and i don't even think of him. it's insane.
he wrote me that ridiculous email right before i flew home. and i wrote a response but didn't send it, thinking that when i was off of my vacation, that i'd edit and send it then.
and i decided in the last few days that not only is he not getting that response, but he isn't going to get any.
not even one, like the one he sent me, stating that his lawyers advised him not to put anything in writing.
a childish email like the one he sent me deserves absolutely no response. i will not stoop to his level. he gave twisted versions of the reasons why i left. so clearly he gets it. so clearly i don't need to clarify.
in other news, i have officially given chalk the green light for his visit. he'll be here next weekend, not this coming, but the following.
the end of the month.
i am feeling a lot of different ways about it.
for starters, i'm excited.
if the weekend is anything like those two hours on the pool deck, i'm not going to want to come up for air. but i will. for fear of acclimation difficulties when it's over.
also, in light of certain new addictions to alone time, i think it's going to be quite a bit of fun.
but, also? i'm kinda scared.
having casual, but totally careful, sex is something i am not familiar with. it's something i never thought i would be into, or do.
having a 'fuck buddy' or 'friend with benefits' or 'booty call' are things that i never in a million years thought i would refer to when speaking of my own sex life.
and maybe this will be the one and only. maybe when he leaves, i'll be so mixed up that i won't be able to ever do it again.
part of me is afraid that, just like that makeout session, this weekend with him will leave me wanting more. like, an addiction to replace the current one, wherein i handle things myself.
and i'm nervous.
what if i'm bad at sex? what if i can't keep up with him? what if everything feels different on this turf?
i want to be good and have fun and do it a lot. but what if my body is tired and disagreeable?
will he think of it as a lost cause? a waste of money?
can i let him take me out to a nice dinner and drinks? and not feel like he's in some way paying for sex? i don't know the rules about bed buddies. i'm not hip to this knowledge.
what if all that time with a lazy husband and shitty sex has made me a lazy girl who sucks at sex?
it's a lot of pressure. to be the first one, after the same one for years and years.
i think the only thing that makes me feel better is that he's smart and witty and will make it fun no matter what. he is very into making me feel good, which is something i haven't experienced since 1999. it's refreshing.
i don't know.
it's a lot of stuff to feel out. and the problem with being married is, once you're not, you kinda forget what life is like on the outside. and you don't have something to call normal anymore. because what normal was? it doesn't exist anymore.
so right now, i honestly have no idea what to expect. and i have advisors. but i'm in this one on my own.
it's going to be interesting to say the least. and i'm going to learn a lot, i bet, in two short days.
the parameters have been set. the ticket is being purchased. it is nearly here, too. which is crazy.
i think he's jumping at the chance before i have time to change my mind. little does he know, i do not intend to change my mind. i wouldn't have offered or allowed it if i wasn't up for it.
i just hope i can deal with what happens next.
whatever that is. hookup remorse. sex addiction issues. whatever. the gamut.
i'm in it to win it. i'm in it to feel good and enjoy the freedom i've claimed for myself.
and i will try to worry less and enjoy more.
reason #111 to move home. july 17th.
it's probably a bad idea to write angry.
it's probably also not as bad as it seems, because i'm also pms'ing.
and there's something to be said for that moment when everything stops moving around you. and you realize you're standing still. and suddenly, very alone.
maybe i'm not good at being alone. maybe it's smart that i'm too afraid to go out by myself.
a girl got murdered for her bike in the place i want to go to, after all. only a few weeks ago, at that.
but i can't help feeling mostly sorry for myself.
i looked forward to tonight since last saturday. all week. i made it through long shifts and shit tips, just to get to tonight.
and i had two people lined up to go with me, to ensure that i didn't end up where i am now.
and neither are going. so i am home alone. how i used to be on fridays, before i stopped getting my hopes up when people made plans with me.
i'm all dressed up. full-on makeup, which is a rarity. i even did my eyeliner the way kit taught me to. she'd have been proud.
perfume, too.
i smell good.
and no one is here to smell me. or compliment me. and i'm not going anywhere other than my stoop.
this is for the best.
i already know.
stupid intern didn't bother to text me or be in touch in any fashion. and i'm too chickenshit to bug him yet again.
because it's too soon.
last week was so great. but it was just last week.
and it makes me miss nina something fierce.
i was sitting on my stoop writing in paper journal a minute ago.
and i wrote that this is why i should move home.
a perfect storm of sorts.
one part hormones. combined with burning my dinner in my piece of shit oven. in my apartment that i hate still, even though the sentiment wanes from time to time. at the end of the day, it still sucks, landlord creeps me the fuck out, and i can't bake here, which is killing my soul.
i hate this apartment.
i hate when my plans get canceled.
i hate when i'm not strong enough to do things on my own, because i spend time being pissed off at everyone else, instead of myself.
really, this should serve to prove a point to me. i'm not happy being alone yet. and maybe i won't ever be.
i do such a great job of staying busy all the time. and then when i am not busy, and alone, on the weekend, it's a recipe for disaster. all week long, if i am alone, i'm fine.
but saturday night? that is not fine.
part of me wants to go to see robbie. because i have a pretty good idea of where he is. and i have been missing him lately, and have had a hard time pinning him down.
even if i rode all over the city, picking up pastries and dropping shit off in the passenger seat of his van. it would be more fun than this.
it also makes me think that i need to make more friends. because i shouldn't have two girl friends and an intern to choose from, when i'm thinking about going out. but i don't know if i should even bother, because on days like this, i just want to pack my shit and go home.
i talked to kenna this week about moving home.
she said she felt every single thing that i feel. and rattled off a list of things she also felt, that i am also feeling. it's common, i guess.
to want simplicity, and comfort, and familiarity. and family.
and people who knew you before you were defined as a wife. who have known you all along. or who knew you before, and recognize you now. after the part in the middle where you lost yourself, when new people were just getting to know you.
chalk offered to fly up and take me to the movies yesterday.
it kinda freaked me out a bit. but if i'd said yes, i'd be watching inception in a theater, and then come home to make out and other things that sometimes follow dinner and a movie.
and right now, that sounds like it might have been the right answer.
but instead, what i ended up doing was watching one of my favorite movies and having a cry.
i tried to make other plans, and it just didn't happen.
so i watched 'dream for an insomniac'. AGAIN.
i made myself watch it, because in my little daydream yesterday, i was having a certain boy over, and thought it would be a cute movie to show someone who has a romantic notion of how it would be to work in a coffee shop.
plus, there's lots of awkward kissing, so it might take the edge off. you know.
but just because i'd thought that, in some rare situation where planets and stars align and he showed up at my apartment tonight, i'd be watching it with him, it seemed all the more fitting that i should be alone. completely and utterly lonely style alone. and watch it alone.
next up: heima.
i don't know. that one will be a tough one.
i have so many desires attached to that movie. and watching this movie tonight reminded me of why i love it so much.
think what i want, say what i want, do what i want about coffee... the thing remains. and though i'm not fixated and obsessing on it, it will always be there. any time i ever see him, i will feel something.
even if i don't want to. even if i tell myself for the next six months that i won't.
because i don't want to anymore. i want to be done with it. and despite that, i know it is going to take a while to get used to the idea that there's just nothing there for him.
i was just one girl of a hundred. so flooded with girls that he thought he kissed me, even though he didn't.
i mean, come ON. sure, there are boys that i can't remember if i kissed. but none of them made me feel the way he did at the time. and i guess that, if he felt that way toward me, he'd at least remember.
but instead, i'm forgettable. i was a blip. i didn't make a mark. no impression. i mean, he has memories. but they're generalities.
and i guess it hurts to think that all these years, i was just waiting for him and pining for him. and hoping that he was pining for me.
and by the time i have the balls to ask, he has settled into a little love nest with some chick twelve years younger than him. and i can't do anything about it. my hands were tied, and not in a good way.
no awkward kissing. i couldn't.
but it would've been worse if i had. at least this way, we're friends, like we've always been in his mind.
and it's going to take a while to get over the fact that i just wasn't what he is to me, to him. it wasn't there. it wasn't special.
i was a flavor of the month. in the girl of the month club.
and suddenly, all those words i wrote back then? they're pretty fitting. because all this time later? i still feel the same way.
i mean, the core of those emotions, the rawness of it, that's all faded away. but in the end, i was right then. because he never once thought that i was the one that got away.
thinking about the two of them is rough, too. i kinda can't help it. i mean, she is the reason why things went so differently. if he wasn't with her, i'd have stopped at nothing.
but because he was and is, i have to leave it alone. and in a way, part with those thoughts and feelings.
he's not the one that got away.
he's just the one that faded away.
and before, all i felt was anger.
i guess it takes one of my favorite movies to start the part where i just feel really really sad about it.
about him.
and i hope it is okay to start this process now.
this is what happens when i'm alone.
the laughter stops. everyone goes home. i have a beer.
and then i'm left with what i've been hiding from, running from, distracting myself from.
and in the end, it is coffee.
i'm left with coffee. or without coffee, rather.
know what i did today? i erased the texts we sent back and forth when i was home. because when i got them, there was so much promise.
know what i did yesterday? i erased the message he left for me when i missed his call. the one where he sounded excited and smiley in his voice. because, again, it was before. and i was reading it all wrong.
it's not that it wasn't there. it is just that it's always there. it wasn't there for me, specifically.
and now i know.
and now i smoke.
and now i sleep. sleep it off.
start over tomorrow.
it's probably also not as bad as it seems, because i'm also pms'ing.
and there's something to be said for that moment when everything stops moving around you. and you realize you're standing still. and suddenly, very alone.
maybe i'm not good at being alone. maybe it's smart that i'm too afraid to go out by myself.
a girl got murdered for her bike in the place i want to go to, after all. only a few weeks ago, at that.
but i can't help feeling mostly sorry for myself.
i looked forward to tonight since last saturday. all week. i made it through long shifts and shit tips, just to get to tonight.
and i had two people lined up to go with me, to ensure that i didn't end up where i am now.
and neither are going. so i am home alone. how i used to be on fridays, before i stopped getting my hopes up when people made plans with me.
i'm all dressed up. full-on makeup, which is a rarity. i even did my eyeliner the way kit taught me to. she'd have been proud.
perfume, too.
i smell good.
and no one is here to smell me. or compliment me. and i'm not going anywhere other than my stoop.
this is for the best.
i already know.
stupid intern didn't bother to text me or be in touch in any fashion. and i'm too chickenshit to bug him yet again.
because it's too soon.
last week was so great. but it was just last week.
and it makes me miss nina something fierce.
i was sitting on my stoop writing in paper journal a minute ago.
and i wrote that this is why i should move home.
a perfect storm of sorts.
one part hormones. combined with burning my dinner in my piece of shit oven. in my apartment that i hate still, even though the sentiment wanes from time to time. at the end of the day, it still sucks, landlord creeps me the fuck out, and i can't bake here, which is killing my soul.
i hate this apartment.
i hate when my plans get canceled.
i hate when i'm not strong enough to do things on my own, because i spend time being pissed off at everyone else, instead of myself.
really, this should serve to prove a point to me. i'm not happy being alone yet. and maybe i won't ever be.
i do such a great job of staying busy all the time. and then when i am not busy, and alone, on the weekend, it's a recipe for disaster. all week long, if i am alone, i'm fine.
but saturday night? that is not fine.
part of me wants to go to see robbie. because i have a pretty good idea of where he is. and i have been missing him lately, and have had a hard time pinning him down.
even if i rode all over the city, picking up pastries and dropping shit off in the passenger seat of his van. it would be more fun than this.
it also makes me think that i need to make more friends. because i shouldn't have two girl friends and an intern to choose from, when i'm thinking about going out. but i don't know if i should even bother, because on days like this, i just want to pack my shit and go home.
i talked to kenna this week about moving home.
she said she felt every single thing that i feel. and rattled off a list of things she also felt, that i am also feeling. it's common, i guess.
to want simplicity, and comfort, and familiarity. and family.
and people who knew you before you were defined as a wife. who have known you all along. or who knew you before, and recognize you now. after the part in the middle where you lost yourself, when new people were just getting to know you.
chalk offered to fly up and take me to the movies yesterday.
it kinda freaked me out a bit. but if i'd said yes, i'd be watching inception in a theater, and then come home to make out and other things that sometimes follow dinner and a movie.
and right now, that sounds like it might have been the right answer.
but instead, what i ended up doing was watching one of my favorite movies and having a cry.
i tried to make other plans, and it just didn't happen.
so i watched 'dream for an insomniac'. AGAIN.
i made myself watch it, because in my little daydream yesterday, i was having a certain boy over, and thought it would be a cute movie to show someone who has a romantic notion of how it would be to work in a coffee shop.
plus, there's lots of awkward kissing, so it might take the edge off. you know.
but just because i'd thought that, in some rare situation where planets and stars align and he showed up at my apartment tonight, i'd be watching it with him, it seemed all the more fitting that i should be alone. completely and utterly lonely style alone. and watch it alone.
next up: heima.
i don't know. that one will be a tough one.
i have so many desires attached to that movie. and watching this movie tonight reminded me of why i love it so much.
think what i want, say what i want, do what i want about coffee... the thing remains. and though i'm not fixated and obsessing on it, it will always be there. any time i ever see him, i will feel something.
even if i don't want to. even if i tell myself for the next six months that i won't.
because i don't want to anymore. i want to be done with it. and despite that, i know it is going to take a while to get used to the idea that there's just nothing there for him.
i was just one girl of a hundred. so flooded with girls that he thought he kissed me, even though he didn't.
i mean, come ON. sure, there are boys that i can't remember if i kissed. but none of them made me feel the way he did at the time. and i guess that, if he felt that way toward me, he'd at least remember.
but instead, i'm forgettable. i was a blip. i didn't make a mark. no impression. i mean, he has memories. but they're generalities.
and i guess it hurts to think that all these years, i was just waiting for him and pining for him. and hoping that he was pining for me.
and by the time i have the balls to ask, he has settled into a little love nest with some chick twelve years younger than him. and i can't do anything about it. my hands were tied, and not in a good way.
no awkward kissing. i couldn't.
but it would've been worse if i had. at least this way, we're friends, like we've always been in his mind.
and it's going to take a while to get over the fact that i just wasn't what he is to me, to him. it wasn't there. it wasn't special.
i was a flavor of the month. in the girl of the month club.
and suddenly, all those words i wrote back then? they're pretty fitting. because all this time later? i still feel the same way.
i mean, the core of those emotions, the rawness of it, that's all faded away. but in the end, i was right then. because he never once thought that i was the one that got away.
thinking about the two of them is rough, too. i kinda can't help it. i mean, she is the reason why things went so differently. if he wasn't with her, i'd have stopped at nothing.
but because he was and is, i have to leave it alone. and in a way, part with those thoughts and feelings.
he's not the one that got away.
he's just the one that faded away.
and before, all i felt was anger.
i guess it takes one of my favorite movies to start the part where i just feel really really sad about it.
about him.
and i hope it is okay to start this process now.
this is what happens when i'm alone.
the laughter stops. everyone goes home. i have a beer.
and then i'm left with what i've been hiding from, running from, distracting myself from.
and in the end, it is coffee.
i'm left with coffee. or without coffee, rather.
know what i did today? i erased the texts we sent back and forth when i was home. because when i got them, there was so much promise.
know what i did yesterday? i erased the message he left for me when i missed his call. the one where he sounded excited and smiley in his voice. because, again, it was before. and i was reading it all wrong.
it's not that it wasn't there. it is just that it's always there. it wasn't there for me, specifically.
and now i know.
and now i smoke.
and now i sleep. sleep it off.
start over tomorrow.
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