christmas eve, 2009.

on the eve of the best worst christmas ever.

we actually were able to buy each other presents this year, so in a way it feels like the best christmas ever. i bought a mini tree, the 3 foot fake variety, wrapped presents and put them all under the tree.

it's the worst christmas ever, because we keep walking to the edge of this cliff, discussing breaking up every two to three days, on average. and debating taking the plunge into an abyss darker than either of us has seen as of yet. every two to three days.

i've been sick with a slightly lighter version of the flu (due to my flu shot, i suppose), in bed for two days now. day three, upon waking, feels much better. a hot shower should fix me.

so, he got into bed yesterday to talk. i felt like shit. i didn't want to talk. but he smoked and thought it wise, i guess.

he keeps reiterating that if i can't say that i'm in love with him, that maybe he should just say 'fuck you.' and end it and move on. and i keep telling him that i just need some time so i don't make a decision that we both regret.

he keeps telling me that he shouldn't have to sit and wait for me to make up my mind, and decide if i want to stay or go. and i keep telling him i need to sleep on it. for a week or a month or a few months. because this feeling might only be temporary. (i do not believe that it is, for the record, but i just need time to clear my head...)

he started talking about finishing the basement again. and it made me cry again. i told him that i don't think he'll ever understand money in a realistic, responsible way. and that i'll never reach the fork in the road where my dream lies to the right. because every time i get a little closer to it, he creates another financial fork.

nina really had it right with that someecard:

'let's never speak of 2009 again.'

and, another bummer...

he was taking a mini-road trip, which he wanted me to go on, for new years. however, he was getting a separate ride, and wanted me to drive myself. i invited hum to go with me. who i haven't seen in almost ten years. so i was very excited at the opportunity to catch up with hum during a 4 hour drive due south. and a 6 hour drive due north afterwards, taking him to his new home.

then ever's ride fell through. so after i made my plans, and hum got out of work to go with me, without saying it aloud, ever's inviting himself to ride down and back with the two of us.

i'm completely pissed. after i was uninvited to go with him, i made alternate plans. how do i uninvite him, since he's not getting my hints? i don't want him tagging along, i need my time with hum, who i haven't seen in TEN YEARS to catch up, without editing, without censorship.

this is bullshit.

and. in other news...

if anyone cares to read backwards, i'd written a bunch of things over the past few months, which were not posted, but only saved as drafts. i posted them today, so there's more to read, all the way back to the beginning of blog time...

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