day after christmas, 2009.

it's funny. nina misread it as being 'exmas'.

i wonder how long we can go on like this, really.

i mean, it's been like four or five days of talking talking talking. and neither of us is happy. and sometimes i just want to scream in his face: 'it's OVER.'

but we keep talking until we're just exhausted, completely tapped out. and then sleep. and then wake up like everything is fine and normal. nothing to see here.

last night, it was kinda late. i'm still sick, so i was ready for sleep. and i turned off the tv and the dvd player. turned off the lamp after i put my book on the nightstand.

and he said 'can i talk to you?'

and i said, 'no.'

he asked again, i said no more emphatically. followed by an 'i need to sleep now.' and an 'i am all talked out.' and probably an 'i don't feel good enough for talking.' for good measure.

i keep saying that we're talking more than we have in years. because it's so critical right now.

yesterday, before lunch, on christmas, he went into this whole talk about how he can't lose his house, and his dog, his whole life, and his wife. and i said 'id never take the house. i'd never take shiva.'

because i've put a lot of thought into it.

all of this after a lackluster christmas morning. when i got him the coolest present ever, and he got me something i had to return.

i feel like an ASSHOLE. i mean, i don't remember ever returning a christmas present. i'm sure i have. in fact, i'm sure i've gotten two of something before, and returned one.

but i've never returned something he gave me. and he's given me some silly stuff that i just didn't have the heart to tell him wasn't 'me'. but this was too expensive to hang on to.

and even read my mind, without knowing it, when he said 'i feel like you are thinking, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!'

because that was EXACTLY what i thought when i opened his gift.

it was so strange. it's not like it was a shitty gift. just a really expensive one that i didn't even want to open, but did out of politeness. he knew that it was a gamble, told me repeatedly that he was worried about what he got for me.

i recently started reading. mostly because one of my friends is published, and another is trying to become that way. so i've been reading stuff by people i know. and then that marriage book.

we were in staples last week, and i pointed to the sony reader thing, like an amazon kindle, but the sony version. i was telling him about it, what little i knew. and the next thing out of my mouth was, 'i don't know how i feel about it - i think it's going to dismantle the entire publishing industry.'

so why he thought i would want a kindle, or even why i would be willing to justify him spending $300 on it, is beyond me. and i hate that it's such a monopoly. like if you have one, you have to keep pouring all your money into amazon for books on it. it seemed really single-minded. single-functioning.

and for someone who doesn't read, and only just started again? ugh...

he knew right away. he knew that i wasn't into it. and i wrestled with the idea of keeping it, and getting into it. but almost instantly just knew that i didn't want it at all. i know how hard we work for the money we have, and it just seemed a waste. and a gift that required so much more of an investment.

call me old school. i love BOOKS. i love dogearing pages. i love writing notes in the margins. i love highlighting lines. i love underlining passages. i love my booklight. i love bookstores, and libraries, and i love how tactile the reading experience is.

so that's the story of the best worst christmas. i got him the coolest present i've ever gotten him, an ipod touch. it's so multifunctional. he had cracked the screen of his tiny nano, and had been dealing with that for almost a year now. so when i knew i wanted to get him a new one, the touch just made sense. he can check his email on it, use it as an ipod, play games on it, take it on the road. there's just so much more to it.

and i don't even know what all it does. but i knew it was cool. that he needed it. that he'd want it. and that he'd use the hell out of it.

and guess what? i sent the kindle back today. the day after christmas.

it felt good just to have it away from me. it's the perfect symbol of my fucked up life right now. it just doesn't suit me. it doesn't fit me. i don't like it. and i'm not going to keep it for the sake of not making waves. because that's not who i am anymore.