today would have been my seventh anniversary.
but instead, it was just a sad day.
it was a quiet day of music, spent running between stores, and driving to another state and back again.
i have been pretty good about making lists and accomplishing things and marking them off lately.
except for some of the big picture items.
i emailed an attorney and heard back.
$275 per hour. i am in the wrong business.
and that's probably the least expensive it's going to be.
ever took a minute out of his busy day to text me that he is pissed that i abandoned our marriage today.
i texted him back that i'm pissed that he waited until i left to clean himself and the house up. but that it is what it is. and that i wouldn't be dropping by the house as i had planned to.
and then he said that he loves me more than anything, but that he was hating on me today.
i don't know.
i bought a lot of beer today. and a carton of cigarettes. because they're cheap and i'm going to buy them anyways.
so i may as well save some money.
i don't think i've had fewer than two beers a day since i moved into this apartment.
about half of them are beers at home. the other half are beers out.
either way, i'm starting to pack on some empty carb pounds, and i'm not too stoked on that.
and need to do something about it.
but how can i smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish AND get skinnier?
answer: i can't.
and every time i smoke, i think 'well, can't start back at the gym today.'
sometimes i think that i am kindof abusing myself.
only it doesn't always feel like it.
because most of the time i am having fun. and i definitely know my limits with drinking.
i don't take it too far.
but i am going to have to curb this taste for craft beers if i'm going to be on the lake and poolside this summer.
maybe i can have one a night on weeknights.
i remember a few weeks ago when i could have been overheard saying 'i don't drink on worknights'.
now it is completely irrelevant.
now i can be overheard saying something like, 'know what would taste good with this pizza? a beer...'
i am perfectly aware that this is a coping mechanism. that i am using alcohol somehow to make me feel better, even though it's a downer.
and just like i know that smoking is a nasty habit, it changes nothing.
pretty soon, something has got to give.
back to today.
i don't know what my problem is, really.
i mean, i think i am fine.
i do occasionally have these sudden pangs of anger.
they're always directed toward ever. mostly when i wonder how long he was perfecting lying to me.
and sometimes i do get sad. i mean, sunday was the first time that i almost cried.
and then today.
part of me wanted to go buy a bakery cake. the kind with my favorite whipped icing on it.
and sit down with candles and light them. blow them out. make a wish that would probably involve coffee somehow. and eat the whole thing myself. like an anti-happy anniversary party. or better yet, a happy anti-anniversary party. all by myself. because that is how i am now.
and as much as i wanted to do that, and as good an intention as i think that it was, i am glad i didn't. because i think that once the stomachache started, i would have started to cry. and maybe not stopped until, technically, tomorrow.
i don't know. i don't know what to say. or do.
i talked to my mom today. and her perspective on things is so skewed. she thought that i feel like they're pressuring me about the house to get their money back. which is not the case. i know that they could give a shit about that money right now.
she thought that it would stress me out if she called ever. which it wouldn't.
i don't know.
i found myself, the whole conversation, saying 'no. mom. it's not like that.'
which was new and different.
my shrink warned me that i wouldn't know how i'd be feeling from day to day.
right now, i feel like crying.
but i'm also not.
right now, i know that i made the right decision. because ever telling me that he would have made all those changes if i'd just given him more time doesn't change the fact that he didn't try. that i wasn't in love with him. that he wasn't being honest with me. that i only loved him up to a point. that he wasn't selfless. that he took and took and soaked up everything like a sponge.
so i had to take it all back.
and if this is the hardest day of the year for me. my anniversary. and i made it through it by writing and being quiet and alone. by watching lost on hulu and drinking two beers in the apartment alone, then so be it.
if this is my worst day, i can't wait to see what my best days will be like.
i'm really trying to separate here.
my divorce and anniversary and ever. from everything else.
the memoir is stalled until i figure out how to move on. but also because i completely overwhelmed myself with my old life in a matter of two short days. this is not going to be easy. not in the least.
and i won't even start about coffee. maybe that is enough for another short story. because i'm very creative at night when i'm falling asleep and i could go on for days.
but today is about a death. and i want to take a page from kit and write an obituary to the marriage that died:
this marriage was born on march twenty third, two thousand and three. it died on february fourteenth twenty ten, after eight months of illness, and three months on life support.
this marriage was created based on the belief that two people would take care of each other and love each other, provide for each other and help each other. and poorer dominated richer, and sickness dominated health.
surviving this marriage is one tea, and one ever.
the memorial service is being held presently in one little apartment in a little neighborhood in a big city. it is a private ceremony.
the burial will take place in two to six months from now, in some legal offices in some big building in this big city. dates are yet to be determined.
the marriage leaves behind one big house, one broken heart, and one hopeful heart. it is survived by one sad little puppy who misses her mommy very much.
and i think that is all that needs to be said about that.
tomorrow i will start again. because that is what i do. something dies, i bury it, i start again.
and i'm going to try to not get overwhelmed. so i can remain functional. and somewhat happy. and take care of things. because that is what i do.