so i went to the house today.

and for a second, only maybe 20 at most, i was actually sad.

i don't know if he's trying to prove something to me or what, but he was cleaned up, shaven, dressed up even.

the house was clean and organized.

i was really impressed.

we talked on couches facing each other for maybe 20 or 30 minutes.

stuff about the house. stuff about bills.

he's trying to get people to move in, so that was the reason for the cleanliness and presentability. but it was still a surprise.

i wish in a way that he could have looked that good and been so together when i was still there. but then again, it wouldn't have changed any of our other, bigger problems.

maybe i was sentimental because of other things.

i have a pretty crazy reunion coming up this weekend. in 6 days.

brownies, nate, and i are reuniting for the first time in maybe 9 years. it's going to be fun, for sure.

and i know she will be the same person she always was.

but to be going through what i'm going through right now is going to be interesting when added to the equation.

nate and i will have a kickass friday night under our belts. hopefully dancing our pants off.

because i've had the itch lately.

and then saturday will be running around with her. i'll head back either saturday night or sunday am to rest up before work on monday.

plus, i have finished the novel and started the memoir, so i'm rehashing the early stuff from my adult life. and beating myself up as i always do. but hopefully it will be for the last time.

i think i need to read about how to write a memoir.

because i started just typing up journals, and that is not only going to take 8451365465 years, but also doesn't really read too easily.

it's like i need to approach it like a fictional story and quote entries from time to time.

i also really need to finish our taxes. like in the next couple days.

and i just get so overwhelmed i don't really know where to start.

i also need to talk to the lawyer. this week. get that ball rolling. i emailed her tonite, so i guess it is already in motion. i hope she can help me.

i can file for separation. on my own, most likely.

that's about it for now.

i don't know.

today did mix me up a bit. but not in the way that i think i want that back, or made a mistake.

just in the way that it made me wonder why he couldn't do those things for me when i did so much for him.

then i remember... i did so much for him.

and that is why i am a spy.

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