wild blue. march 29th.

it's been a sad couple of days.

a lot of rain. colder weather.

after the highest high of my trip to see nate and brownies, i returned to sadness.

i don't know. i spent all morning sunday writing that four hundred page novel of a blogpost. in my pjs most of the day.

got dressed to go out, and realized as i was about to walk out the door that i had responsibilities, and that i couldn't put them off.

even though i really wanted to.

i had to go to the house to pick up the car. i let ever borrow it while i was away.

and sundays at the house usually include about a half hour conversation, the majority of which are mostly constructive and helpful.

this was no different.

we split final bills. made payment arrangements (who would pay what, and when).

i printed out a bunch of stuff for coffee work. because i don't get either printer in the divorce. he needs both for business.

wrapped that up. picked up my mail. awesome package from the german, music i can't quite access yet. because i'm rockin the black turtle (aka black dinosaur) from my college days. that were 13 years ago? ugh...

no dvd player on here. in any case.

got my bills and mail. settled all that. fine. good to go.

then i had to say goodbye to the pup.

and the tears came.

she just looks at me. because she knows. and i feel like the worst parent ever. because i've abandoned my puppy-daughter. and it is so hard for me to see how excited she gets when i go there. and how mopey she gets when i leave.

i feel like it's harder on both of us to see each other, if that is a sane thing to think.

so it makes me want to not see her.

i don't know. she has more grey in her fur everytime i see her, too. and it devastates me to think that one day, probably not too long from now, she will die and i won't be there.

i'll see her alive, not knowing, and then i will never see her alive again.

it's the worst.

so i guess i was thinking about that. as per the usual, she makes me cry. ever doesn't.

so i just walked out, because it was too hard to look into her eyes and say goodbye anymore.

he wanted me to stay to chat. but i just couldn't. so he followed me and kept talking to me.

he sat on the stairs, at the top. i stood at the bottom. not facing him. staring at the wall. because it's just too hard to look at him sometimes. it brings back the feeling that i'm a bad person who made a selfish decision. and that i shouldn't feel as good and as happy as i do the majority of the time.

we talked money. we talked about the new him. since i left, he switched his medication, and dropped 22 pounds. it's only been like 3 weeks.

exactly 3 weeks last friday.

and the physical issues he was having in bed...no longer a problem.

he said the timing sucks, because obviously, he knew that i felt like he was letting himself go, and that he was having ed issues far too young. and i leave. and kenna dropped him from our insurance. and he switched meds. and what do you know? all better.

it's one of many good things to come from me leaving.

anyways, we talked and then i left.

and i almost made it home. and then twinkle came on again, and i started to cry. i don't know if it was just leftover sadness from the pup, or if it was about my ghost, which is my association with the song, or something else, but it made me cry.

and i sat in silence, the rest of the day. i had a couple different sets of plans, but didn't end up with anyone other than myself.

the mood i was in, it was probably for the best.

and i read myself to sleep again, and went to bed early so that waking up this morning was a little bit easier.

today at coffee work, i worked a store that i used to manage. i was there for over two years, before i worked my way up a notch in the company.

i truly loved my customers there.

and they loved me back.

they all know about my life, ever's business, the house, the puppy. all of it.

and i know about their kids, and their hobbies, where their kids live and what they do around the hospital.

so it's like a network of people i rarely see now, but when i do, they check in on me.

the last time i worked there, it was after valentine's day, but i was still in the house. so i didn't tell anyone other than ever's doctor. who is also our friend.

and i've said twice now that today felt like a coming out party.

because everyone wanted to know about the house and the husband. and i'm just too honest to say 'fine. great.'

so i would tell them.

one by one.

and half the time i got these blank sad stares. and i would say, 'hey. it's not sad. i'm happy.'

one person told me that i just got the seven year itch.

how would she know? was she married to ever for seven years? no. it wasn't an itch. it was more like a herpes breakout. never really rid of it, even when it seems that way.


and one of my closest customer-friends just clasped her hands and put her chin on them and shook her head. i thought she was going to cry. but i told her not to look so sad. that it just didn't work out and that i'm not getting any younger and have to start over now. before it's too late.

she said her daughter just called off her wedding.

i told her better now that later. she said that it's definitely easier to deal with now than after it is done.

i don't know.

it was a rough day of telling people who were completely unsuspecting.

yet, somehow, i had a good day.

i cleaned a lot, which wasn't awesome. because it shouldn't have been that dirty.

but i read a lot, too. and i got to see the muffin man. that was how my day started.

i do love the muffin man.

he promised to have a drink with me and kit sometime.

it's crazy how traumatic each of our lives are. his is far worse drama than mine.

but we just take turns talking and listening.

i wish he made time for himself.

i wish he put as much energy into his own happiness as he puts into trying to make every other person on the planet happy.

i think one day, he's gonna flip out from all the stress and strain of his life. and he's going to just go for a run and not stop running. just say, 'fuck it all.'

and keep running.

like forrest gump.

only brilliant.

his life makes me very sad. he is one of the kindest people i know. considerate of others at his own expense. loses money hand over fist trying to take care of his friends, family, loved ones, and employees.

he is exactly who should win the lottery.

but i digress.

so i'm sitting here. with a wild blue. which i really don't even like. it's right up nina's alley. like a fizzy maniechevitz (sp?). way too sweet for me. yet the 8% abv keeps me suffering through it.

unwinding in complete silence. i feel bad for wasting access to cable.

but i've been sitting in the silence since i got back on saturday night, and i'll probably carry it out this whole week.

because it is so peaceful. i can think. i can get things done. i can function.

just me and wild blue. and the full moon that is hidden behind rain clouds. in the silence.

i'll sleep like a baby. i do in the rain. and i worked more than a double by the time i finished work after work.

so i can sleep in tomorrow. and let the rain keep me in bed.

lately, i've been wanting to call in sick. to myself, i guess, as i'm the only one who cares about my not going to work. and just stay in bed all day.

and it's not in that depression kind of a way that makes my shrink's ears perk up. but it's just like, 'i'm TIRED.'

i wonder how long beer phase will last. i wonder if i'll ever go back to tea who rarely drank. or who limited herself to a few beers on fridays or saturdays, but rarely both.

sometimes i think... 'i'm never coming back.'

1 comment:

  1. having just woken up for no reason at 415...this was perfect. thank you.