nightmares. april 6th.

so i haven't been sleeping so well.

i blame it on the fact that i've been pretty sick.

gnarly cough that is super loud and super annoying. really congested and awful.

anyways, i forgot to take nyquil last night.

i tried to sleep with the windows closed. but it was too hot, i woke up drenched in sweat at 2 am. opened the windows.

and fell back asleep.

and i had the most horrible nightmare.

my mom had texted me at work last night to tell me that my 'mean grandma' (dad's mom) had been admitted into the hospital with pneumonia. then texted me later to say they sent her home, because she only had bronchitis.

so that was a relief. and i guess that was the root of the nightmare.

i was dreaming that my 'nice grandma' died.

and i cannot really put into words how close i am to this grandma. she's been unwell for a while, and she's 80 now and talks about dying.

so, i don't remember how i found out or anything.

but what i remember was the funeral related stuff.

i was in a house i didn't know, but i think it was supposed to be her house. and i only remember my mom and my aunt being there.

and i walked into a bedroom and she was on the bed. like, under the covers. but dead.

just laying there.

and when i saw her, i lost it.

i started crying, because it was so real.

and when i came back out into the kitchen, mom was talking about her. and she was sitting next to my grandma at the breakfast bar.

and i asked my mom if she had sprung for the robot model for the memorial, because grandma was there, looking alive, talking, and was responding to conversation.

and i just kept thinking 'she can't be dead. she's right here'. and then i looked down, and saw that her arms were covered in tan/blush colored makeup.

and i knew she wasn't really my grandma, and that my grandma was dead.

and i started sobbing. and collapsed on the tile floor in the kitchen, just inconsolable.

and i was on my knees, hitting my head on the floor and crying.

and i woke up.

and i had been crying so hard in my sleep that i was actually crying when i woke up.

and in that sleepy waking state, i realized how upset i was, and i started really crying.

and i got up to blow my nose and thought, for one fleeting second, that i wished ever had been there to tell me it was just a dream and hold me until i fell back asleep.

(this happens to me a couple times a year. and it's usually about someone dying. and he was pretty good at helping me go back to sleep until he stopped sleeping in the bed at the end.)

it took me a while to calm down. and i had the hardest time falling asleep. all i wanted was to hear my grandma's voice. and know that she was, in fact, not dead.

and when i finally did fall asleep, it didn't last more than an hour.

and then the bird in the tree outside the open window was chirping. and would not stop. so i had to get up and close the window. music on. pillow over my head. i could still hear it.

and then maybe 45 minutes later, it flew away.

and then i was sweating again.

and i just kept falling asleep and waking up. i gave up at 8 and just read until i got up for work.

put lightly, that put a damper on my day.

and the fact that i missed ever, i discounted upon truly waking, as just wanting someone. not particularly him.

work was work.

i was going to take a trip to the house today, but didn't. because i just got too worked up after a phone call to ever to actually go. i hope it's easier tomorrow to deal with him.

i called today to see what time would be better to come over and use the computer for work and to finally finish our taxes.

and he was fine.

'whenever you want. i've got nothing going on.'

and then, flipped a switch.

'you know? i've been dealing with it, and i just can't take it anymore.'

and i think oh, shit. what??

'are you biking over? because your bike seat fucking SUCKS. i want my seat back. so ride your bike over. because i want to swap them back.'

so i said ok. and that i wished he'd have told me before, because i was just at the bike shop this weekend helping kit pick out her new bike.

and then he abruptly said, 'okay. bye.' and hung up.

without agreeing on what time i'd be over. his mood swing completely caught me off guard.

when ever had his knee surgery, he stopped riding his bike. and my seat was the worst. no padding. bruised ass, literally. and i rode to work every day.

so he swapped seats with me.

and then i left him.

and now he doesn't have the car, so he's biking everywhere. and he wants his seat back.

which is fine, really. no big deal. $40 fix.

but he was being so nasty that it killed my mood.

and i was frowning, walking, after i hung up with him. and kit was walking towards me between the lab and the other lab, we just happened to cross paths. i was so lost in being mad at ever, i didn't see her for a second. but it was nice to have a friend give me a hug when i was so pissy.

i don't know.

it was a weird day.

then at ten of five, the bike place called to tell her that her bike was ready.

so i hopped on mine to get the new seat put on so i could give ever his seat back without having to bike over there.

and i raced there on my bike so we could ride back together, while she got her cash and i stalled them with the seat problem.

and she got her bike. and it was awesome.

and i got the new seat. and that was awesome.

and cooking for two is fun. so kit had dinner over. and dessert was awesome.

at least the day ended better than it started. because i didn't have much hope for my day after the way i woke up.

i'll try harder to sleep better and dream sweeter tonight.

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