memory lapse.

it will be short and sweet, because i've written more on here in the last 24 hours than in the last week.

i remembered what i wanted to say yesterday, more than once.

it directly related to the ghost dream. and to the end.

see, when i lived in the house, i used to have the same dreams. making out with people i'd like to make out with, even some sexier things than just that.

and there was this guilt-by-association that i would feel upon waking. having been really into and turned on by my dreams of other boys, and then seeing ever when i opened my eyes.

it was awful. it felt like cheating.

and that's the beauty of the situation now.

when i wake up, i can will myself to go back to sleep. and there's no guilt. it is slightly more sad, because now i realize that the things i do in my dreams are things that i'd love to experience in real life.

anyways, for hours at night, before we were over, i would lay in bed and concentrate on other boys. just to get my mind off of the situation i was in and how neglected i felt.

and i would cry in doing it, because i wanted something different so much, but also because i was happy in my dreams.

i couldn't do in real life what i did in my sleep, the guilt would have been too much.

but now, i have hope.

every time i get sad, i just need to think that nothing was as bad as facing away from ever and crying at night. because all i wanted was to be held and kissed and touched, and he felt no need to be the person who provided that for me.

some of the similarities to post-birthday world revolve around what happened in bed.

staring at the wall and crying. staring at the wall and thinking about someone else. staring at the wall and trying not to cry.

i'm so glad that is not my life anymore.

it wasn't healthy.

i wasn't happy.

pretending when you're awake is so much worse than what happens when you're asleep.

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