dreams. april 10th.

this week. not a good one.

i think i missed having someone more this week than any since i left.

i didn't miss ever when i finished off my ice cream last night. because that half gallon lasted nearly a month. it would've been gone the first night i fell asleep before him if i was in the house.

and the lone oreo i ate at midnight to get the taste of nyquil out of my mouth. i still have two-thirds of the package left. a month later. again, that might have lasted three days, tops.

and creamer this morning, when i made my coffee. that would've been put away empty if i was still in the house.

so. yeah, i don't miss ever.

i just miss someone being there.

really, it was just a string of a few days, starting with the last post i wrote - that nightmare.

and i don't know specifically why, even.

something about being curled up in bed with someone.

waking up today from a dream that i didn't want to wake up from.

it was the ghost. again.

and i knew it would happen sometime yesterday afternoon.

because i was driving behind a car with his last name in large block letters. and i thought to myself, 'surely this is entering my subconscious...'

and sure enough, it did.

god. the way he held me. and kissed me. i mean, making out in my sleep for hours with him. what was really funny was that he was some kind of a fisherman. or worked for a company where he had to catch fish in the ocean.

in any case, he looked great. and he fit me well. and he kissed me the way i wanted to be kissed. all night long, in my dream, until the morning. i remember being shirtless. and i remember his lips. god, i wish he was still walking around with those lips. and i also wish i'd kissed them when he was.

i woke up sleepy and wistful. and alone in a cold bed.

this is what i didn't want. i wanted to be content with being alone.

and i keep feeling unsettled. and occasionally lonely, but usually only when i'm in bed.

i'm reading 'post birthday world'. it is INCREDIBLE. i agree with nina that every woman should read it.

i can relate to so much that is in it. nina was afraid that the book would influence my writing. and despite the fact that the author inserts a lot of brit into her style, i totally see why.

because she has a different way of stating the things i'm going through. but i'm aware, so i'll be careful.

something about giving up a marriage, whether it's a legal one or not, for the hope of something better, more passionate.

one of the characters says something about the feeling of 'being in love' only lasting a year and a half tops, scientifically. physiologically. that after that amount of time, at a maximum, your body and psyche kinda moves on in a toned down way.

but i know people who are as in love now as they were years ago. so i do have faith in something better than that. but i also know how next-to-impossible that would be to find.

i'll take the year and a half. i'll take it and run with it.

god, i hope i make it to september 6th. and... i hope the divorce is final by then.

i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone.

* * * * * * * * *

(girl interrupted)

so i had to leave earlier. but i wasn't really done yet.

thing is, i keep forgetting what it was that i wanted to say next.

and it came back and went away. not once, but twice.

this isn't it, but i had a conversation with kit today.

about my trip home in july.

because i have gotten down on myself lately about coffee. because, really, i don't need to torture myself further.

the more i think about how unlikely it is that i would ever move back home, the more i realize that i really have no business trying to start anything.

yes. i would love to sit down across from him, say 'i always felt like i blew it with you. and i wish i could take it back.'

but really, is there anything to say after that? why do i feel like i need to know? to do this to myself?

i want to move on. that's for certain. but the thing is, i won't ever REALLY know.

because he'll never know just how much i was into it. and i can't ask the hard questions. and who knows if he'd even feel like he owed it to me to give me a straight answer? i mean, no matter what he said, i don't know if i'd read into it... my poor head.

maybe it's the girl who stands next to him in pictures that makes me want to not say a word.

maybe entertaining the idea that he is gay, and that is the reason he never kissed me, is part of it. i don't want to know if i've been in love with a gay man for the last thirteen years. or if i missed my chance to ever kiss him.

though it would make sense. because i think sometimes that i am a poor judge of character. not that being gay is a character flaw. but as a hetero girl, seems like i would have noticed by now if that was the case.

again. why? i can't convince myself that i'd ever be with him. so why even try?

i'm forever doomed with that one.

and i'm not even 'single' yet. so...WHY??

i think, because i crave companionship, and someone to curl up next to, he fits the bill.

and there's no one i'd rather than him.

he will never be my boyfriend. but maybe i will have one more night sleeping next to him.

if only i could ever settle for just being his friend. i would always want more.

other than that, i don't know what i've been thinking about. i've been in a bit of a daze. i was walking around aimlessly, in circles, at the store today. with my list in hand. i couldn't find anything. and kept forgetting what i was looking for.

so that is my life.

and, because i am becoming a believer in mantras, and because it bears repeating:

i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone. i am happy being alone.

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