post party tea.
it's going to be okay. i'm going to be okay.
tonight made me feel like maybe it's better to have something mediocre than nothing at all.
tonight made me feel like i'm tearing myself apart.
reading old posts and editing made me feel like the writing is really good.
i'm going to be okay.
i was standing out in the rain, with a tree as an umbrella. and something about standing in the rain just makes me feel even more sad.
i can't remember a time ever where i cried until i threw up. or gave myself a nosebleed.
but now i want to cry. and can't.
i usually go to the house on sundays. and i'm not going tomorrow.
i don't want to see ever.
i don't want to think about him after knowing about the dating site thing.
i don't want to tell him i'm doing fine.
i don't want to hear about all the awesome things happening to him.
i don't want to see my dog and say goodbye again.
so i'm not going to.
because i am my own person, and because i don't have to.
reading back, i thought we'd be able to be friends.
but after the week i had, i don't think i can be his friend for a while.
my eyes are burning.
i want more cake.
i want more beer.
i want to fall asleep and wake up from a romantic dream.
i want to feel better. i want to be happy.
this is so much better than what my life was. but i'm sad.
i knew it was coming. i knew it would be a while. a delayed reaction.
i thought it would be three months. it's been two.
i'm going to be okay.
i did the right thing. for the first time, i really believe it, and nothing ever can say can make me backpedal now.
i'm glad that he did something to make me so angry that i can say that with conviction.
standing in the rain, i thought of more things to add to my list.
i guess the main one is related to being passive, which didn't officially make it onto the list.
because i stopped asking the hard questions somewhere along the way. after asking them and getting hurt so many times.
i just stopped. and missed my chance to find the answers.
should i have stayed with the boy who loved me physically better than anyone else? who i never turned down? who used to carry me to bed? my stubbornness was to blame in that one. because he did realize what he let go, and i wouldn't let him have another chance.
and i haven't felt that way since. i hate the word lover. but he was a lover. he was the best one i ever had.
i guess i was thinking about it because i saw a picture of him (the sun) tonight. how i remembered him, on stage, playing. at the place where coffee worked. where i took him to show him off in an effort to make coffee see that i was a hot commodity. and that if he didn't want to capitalize on that, i had someone who would.
i've come a long way in my journey. reading back showed me that.
i'm glad that i made a decision, and took two days to make it a declaration.
but man... on a night like tonight, it sure feels awful to not have someone to lay in bed next to. to put my head on his chest.
slow, methodically beating heart would put me right to sleep right about now. or just having an arm around my shoulders. a hug that wasn't platonic.
a kiss that lasted for more than two seconds.
i didn't have that with ever, not for a long long time. so it's not like i gave that up or something.
i don't know if i'm going to make it to september. or august for that matter.
but i'm not willing to risk it. so i have to.
goodnight, pillow man.
i love you.