taco tuesday. april 27th.

it's strange to write it a second time in two months:

this might be my last night sleeping here.

this is going to be another very scattered post. i can feel it. i'm pretty messy today.

while i'm not in a rush to leave the comforts of kit's sublet, i'm so ready to be in my apartment. fresh start. so i can finally settle in.

only problem being, i don't have internet there.

and a life without internet isn't much of a life at all!

i need it. the internet went out for maybe 45 minutes the other day, and i thought i was going to have a total meltdown. i felt kindof ashamed.

an apartment without a washer and a dryer? less awesome.

i don't watch the cable tv. baseball games with kit is the extent of it.

i don't use the dishwasher as anything other than a dish drying rack.

i sleep on the floor, on a futon pad.

my borrowed time, it seems, has run out.

reflecting on the time i have spent in this apartment, lovingly referred to as both my halfway house and as my-your apartment (as i call it when talking with kit)...

do i take the paper off the windows? the new place has blinds.

i'm one of those weird people who actually enjoys a final scrubbing of the place before leaving. and an initial one at the new place.

i wonder about its quirks.

this place has plenty. i hope they don't drive kit nuts.

i'll miss the refrigerator. roman candles all the time.

i won't miss the elephant man who lives upstairs. who is always awake when i am, whether that is at 5 am or 11 pm, 7 am or 3 am. i think he never sleeps. i think he never works. he just walks the apartment, day in and day out.

i won't miss him tromping up and down the stairs on the other side of my bedroom wall. or the subsequent door slams.

i'll miss the view.

i bet i'll miss the central air in a few months.

living here... it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be. the last two weeks have been the worst of it. i really expected death and destruction. a tar-like pit of loneliness.

i'm glad i got the going out every night phase over with. and the drinking too much every night over with. and i'm glad that it only lasted maybe two weeks. i don't know what would have happened if i'd kept it up.

i'm glad that i feel like i've reached some kind of equilibrium while i've been here.

some sense of balance.

speaking of balance, kenna came to visit yesterday.

it was a hectic day. i woke up early to clean my filthy car. and made it to the airport with one or two minutes to spare. it was great timing.

it was day four or five of rain, so driving around all over the city was a bit crazy. and walking in it was less than awesome.

but all in all, it was a pretty good day.

business stuff aside, it was nice to have a friend to talk to. who has been where i am, and who knows. i guess the last time i saw here, i had a feeling this is where i was heading. i remember pulling over to talk to her on the phone in the car one day for probably half an hour. i remember her trip here in the fall. telling her everything. and her telling me she had been there. and to hang in there. and that it would be okay.

but this was the first time i'd seen her since all of that talking had resulted in serious decisions.

and it was nice to laugh and joke with her, because i knew she could relate.

probably my favorite part of the day was going to a cafe that wasn't one of ours. we just sat and talked. it was great. drizzly and cold outside, warm and comforting inside. and then the part right after that, when we left. driving in the car and screaming at the top of my lungs the paraphrased portions of the post with the rant that started with, 'really, fucker? because i'm pretty sure...'

it feels good to be enveloped in a sound proof car and just scream that stuff at the top of my lungs. i never scream like that. it felt great!

needless to say, driving in traffic right after that was not the most fun, but we made it to the airport five minutes ahead of schedule, and she made it home safely.

we got a lot of work accomplished in a small amount of time. and then made time for personal stuff, too.

ah, balance...

that was my monday. it made me feel good about myself. and about the job that i do. and about the person that i work for and with.

everything is a balancing act.

i was supposed to go to the lawyer today and file for the separation and the divorce.

only the lawyer got caught up in a trial, and canceled.

next week will be impossible. i might try to squeeze it in regardless. it might be easier with hugs from my mom.

i won't have time to be sad in the new place. not at first, anyways. my sister arrives in six days. mom and dad arrive in nine.

tomorrow, if all goes according to plans, should be a bustling night of packing the car to the ceiling. all the up and down the stairs with boxes rushing. back and forth at a dizzying pace.

in some ways, it feels like i just did it.

in some other ways, it feels like i have been here for a very long time.

i haven't really thought about where things will go. i don't have much, so what i have will be in obvious places. the green couch from the house will go inside the front door. cubbyhole shelf on the opposite wall. futon pad in the bedroom. desk in the kichen? bedroom? i don't know. i like having it separated from where i sleep. because i work there. and i don't want to work in my bedroom.

like now, typing in bed on the laptop is perfect. because this is relaxing and nice.

there are at least four closets in the new place. there are shelves in the bathroom and the kitchen. so i can store a lot.

i just can't wait to unpack. to really unpack. everything, this time.

and to get the remaining things from the house. i'm not looking forward to that at all. but it is a necessary evil. i have a lot there that i've missed, mostly things for the kitchen, to cook and bake with.

i need to go when no one is home. i don't want to see ever. or talk to him. i want kit to help me, but don't want the two of them in the same room. i like that they are separate. i don't want her to have to see him. i don't want him to speak to me.

and i don't want to see the puppy.

maybe i can go when he takes her to the dog park. that would be ideal.

i don't want to think about that yet. i might put it off again.

it's taco tuesday.

last tuesday, i went to the bar with alice for taco tuesday. and it was awesome.

i made the mistake, three days ago, of making taco meat. in my married life, this would be one solid meal for the two of us. and then leftovers for maybe one snack, where i make a big plate of nachos for lunch.

in an effort to have less to move, and also to not waste food, i've been having tacos. for three days. if i never see a taco again, i'll be okay with that. it's really awful to get burnt on something i like.

for two days now, i've been craving pizza. i think because i know i'm moving. every time i move, there's pizza. and for a couple days after, leftover pizza.

i'm ready for it.

it's cold here. i was outside, having a smoke before climbing into bed. and it made my back hurt from shivering. upper 30s tonight. it's nearly may. it's kindof unreal.

and somehow this weekend, mid 80s? wow.

it's great to move in. all that running around and sweating won't be so bad when it's 60-something out.

i look forward to this. i thought i'd be more sad about leaving.

but i also was very careful to not get attached to this place. because it was so short lived.

which is kindof a funny thing to say. because if i could succeed at applying that to people, i'd be golden.

kit's not intending to sleep here for another week or so, there's no crazy rush for me to leave as i'd anticipated. so i'll just feel it out.

i wonder if there will come a time when i fall asleep to something other than every sigur ros album in a row.

agaetis byurn. hlemmer. takk. (). takk again.

it's hours of music. i feel sometimes like i cannot survive without it.

i sleep with earplugs to drown out that fucking bird that chirps at 5am.

but i have the music so i can barely hear it through the earplugs.

it's funny that the end of ever didn't ruin it for me.

i used to cry every time i heard heysatan. and i guess i started falling asleep to it maybe in november. or december. when things started to go south in a hurry.

it was the saddest thing i'd ever listened to then.

now it just calms me completely.

and it doesn't even make me sad anymore. it's just beautiful.

and i have no idea what the hell jonsi is singing about. but i can imagine...

i looked up two songs. one is about haystacks in a field. the other is about seafarers.

it's so sad to think about what is happening in iceland right now. i've said it before: i don't follow current events at all. i don't watch the news. but i have been looking at pictures of the disaster that is the volcano with the crazy name, erupting. people have been stranded for a couple weeks now, flights are unable to fly from europe, which is downwind apparently.

and the thing doesn't appear to be calming down at all.

maybe if jonsi sang to it, he could lull the thing to sleep. and end the craziness. everything would cool, and go back to the way it was, before. plus or minus a layer of lava rock.

i wonder what it smells like. i imagine it smelling like the metal recycling plant. i drive past it when i go to delaware. i drive past it when i go to the airport. and to one of my stores.

it's such an unusual smell.

one time i changed the brake pads on my car. it kinda smells like worn out brake pads, like following a semi down a steep grade. sometimes i hold my breath, because it can't be good for breathing in.

i wonder if it looks like the scene from the video for vaka. where the children are playing in the ash of the nuclear fallout. that would be terribly sad.

it's been an hour. i've been up since 5. i should probably attempt to read a few pages of jonathan strange, and then attempt to sleep. how i let nate talk me into reading an 800 page book, i'll never know. i wonder what year it will be when i finish it...

and in closing:

the race is on.

between the south and the west coast, there are five packages of cookies floating across the country. i wonder who will receive them first. i love it when i have a good idea. and when it gets a little carried away. i was only intending to send one package with cookies. but i accidentally made like 6 dozen cookies by following the recipe. and shared the wealth.

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