this time... june 6th.

i really liked those 'this time next week' lines.

i think i'd like to make a few more, slight variations.

it's kindof a nice way to write a to do list.

it's also a plan.

and it makes me hear the repetitive riff and regina spektor singing, 'hey remember that time when...'

here it goes:


this time next week, i'll begin my new life that includes travels and vacations.

this time next week, i will set aside my dislike for outdoorsy-ness.

this time next week, i will wish upon a star.


this time in two weeks, i'll ask a certain someone out for a drink.

this time in two weeks, i'll have a pretty good idea of lines to rehearse for said drink.

this time in two weeks, i'll start back to the gym.

this time in two weeks, i'll start to eat foods that are normal.


this time in three weeks, i'll be home. 19 days stand between me and that flight.

this time in three weeks, i'll be poolside.

this time in three weeks, i'll be in a hot tub.

this time in three weeks, i'll be playing scrabble in person with some old friends.

this time in three weeks, i will wear a dress and ask that certain boy a certain question.

this time in three weeks, i'll be on a motherfuckin boat.


one month from now, i'll introduce nina to my life.

one month from now, i'll have an answer. even if it isn't my answer.

one month from now, i'll start over. again.

one month from now, i'll focus on work until the next mini-vacation.


are you sick of this yet?

i am, but also i am not.


so today is a certain dickhead's birthday. and i'll be damned if he didn't unfriend my mom and my sister while he was at it.

my mom almost sent him a big homemade cookie for his birthday. then she figured that out. so i'm pretty glad that she didn't.


what a turd.

whatever.


moving on...

it's funny. last night i was thinking about the intern before i fell asleep.

and tonight i'm pretty awake. i am feeling the beginning of a coffee kick again.

i'm afraid to get all burnt on it again. to get sad again. to start obsessing again.


i feel like it's important to say that when i re-read my post from yesterday (which is what i do before i write the next one), that i wasn't sad yesterday. the thing about crying? it was just a release. i was more angry than anything, but really i wasn't that angry either.

i wasn't anything.

maybe that's why i wanted emotion caused by other people. but i cried and then wanted to cry more. but it wasn't because i was sad or depressed.

i just wanted to say that. to clarify.


i haven't been sad. in fact, this was the best weekend i've had in a long, long time. maybe since that first weekend i was out on my own. when i was writing the novel and getting a lot done. all that liberation work.

i needed it.

nothing earth shattering happened. i didn't even make out with any cute boys.

i just bought a couple of things that made me really excited for my new life.

and i did some things that drastically improve the time i spend in my car. which is more and more lately.

quality of life things.

and i bought another set of movies.

is that what people do when they live alone, and they're happy alone? do they watch movies by themselves?


because i keep finding myself buying all these movies. at best buy, they also had $5 movies. so i got uncle buck and son in law, because my vhs's of them were both gone and no longer okay to watch. and i got the usual suspects. because it's awesome and i haven't seen it enough to get references to it.

and so i can stare at kevin spacey and say, 'i made a large skim latte for him.' which is the coolest thing that has ever happened in my life of caffeine.

and then they had the $8 double movie pack of say anything with garden state. but that's already been covered. yesterday, and a week ago. or two. something like that.


so i didn't watch charlie and the chocolate factory yet. or the sandlot, in clear dvd format.

and this week, i intend to watch son in law and laugh my ass off.


nina is instructing me to watch veronica mars.

kit is instructing me to watch all of sex and the city.

my sister warned me, but said i need to watch ps i love you.

that it's really sad.

maybe when i feel like wallowing.


so kit got netflix on wii.

and now, like a lot of things that kit gets, i want it.

we watched the ugly truth that way today.

and for someone who is as movie retarded as i am, and now who has this much time on her hands, i think it's a pretty kickass idea.

no mailing things, no waiting for things. just instant gratification.

and since i don't have cable for $20 a month, i should allow myself $10 a month.


or i should stop buying things i want and having things i've been deprived of. save up for vacation, and better yet, pay off these damned credit cards.

i wouldn't go so far as to say i'm being irresponsible.

but i know exactly what this is.

i gave up so many things i wanted for so long. and if i tried to go out and get them for myself, i'd back out. because i'd feel guilt over ever. he'd tell me to buy clothes, and i'd put things back because i knew it was money we needed for something else.

and now i don't have ever guilting me. not that he was. but he was what i had guilt about.

so now i spend when i want. on what i want.

combined with the fact that there's money there to spend.

it's amazing.

today i bought new shoes for work. because the ones i bought a year ago and six months ago are worn out. like, holes through the bottoms of my crocs worn out.

and i found out they discontinued the shoes that i am in love with. and it makes me want to stockpile.

but because they stopped when i wasn't buying them, now i can't find them.

i got a radical pair of plum shoes. and the lady already shipped them to me.

and nina's giving me her teal ones if they fit. otherwise, i'll buy those also.

i love this shoe. i don't want to have to find the next new thing. these are the best shoes on the planet. i love them. they keep my feet happy after ten hour days. that is worth something.

i also bought my contacts. necessary every six months.


all my six month expenditures.

i really want a new pair of glasses, but they aren't necessary, because i have a decent pair that i can still wear.

mine are between two and three years old. i love the frames, so i guess that's why i'm not in a rush.


i will shop for clothes when i'm home. i don't want to do it here, or i'll have nothing to do when i'm there with mom and aubree.

it's almost one. i hate sundays before mondays.


i don't want to work. i don't want to have to work.

why can't i just be independently wealthy?


i just want to write. and read. and talk to my friends all day. and all night. and sleep late. and cook and bake. and make coffee for one. or two, if kit swings by.


that's all i want. i think it's because, in three week's time, i'll be on a seemingly endless vacation.