day four = getting somewhere.
it's not perfect. but it is enough to keep me going.
i think the theme this weekend is encouragement.
maybe it's time for new mantras.
i am happy.
i am focused.
i am fun.
i am committed.
i am funny.
i am smart enough.
i am excited.
i am pleased with my life right now.
just promise to make me read this next week when i'm low again. these things tend to be fleeting. i'll ride this wave where it takes me.
right now it's taking me to the bar. for some stoli and diet.
... coffee.write.sleep.repeat will continue in a moment...
monumental day here.
today was great. tonight was also great.
just like the other day in the car, listening to rage, today the first thing i played on the ipod was dr dre. again, felt like a badass. i did skip around more than i thought i wanted to. but it was rad regardless.
and i thought it was funny today when kit said she got unfriended by ever.
and i was showing her this thing on his page, something that i felt he was not the author of.
in any case, tonight, i sat down in front of the computer. tomorrow is his birthday.
well, technically now it is his birthday.
today when i got the car ipod jack set up, i bought ever a cd wallet for all of his cds that i pulled out of my cases.
i thought it a nice gesture. and i only justified it because it's his birthday. so i thought i could spend $26 on him.
and tonight, i noticed that his birthday warning was removed from my friend section. and i realized that he had unfriended me.
it was a relief. it did piss me off. but i had thought about it lately.
and i had him all but blocked anyway.
so, i did what any divorcing woman would do who was unfriended by her soon to be ex husband.
i changed my name. i dropped my married last name, so now it's just the first two names that i already had on there.
it was scary. i debated doing it. i really intended to wait until the divorce was filed.
but at this rate, maybe i file a name change first. i don't really know.
i've written about the speed with which i wish to become not his wife. and to no longer bear his last name.
and i'm sure he'll have some smart ass comment about whether the divorce was finalized or not, yet.
i do not fucking care. i sent him a message. it just said '36'.
it's a joke that he won't get. because he could never remember how old he was. so he'd always ask me. and i'd always tell him.
it also let him know that i know he is not my friend. i was going to post that anyway.
and it will also come up as being from one tea vee.
suck it, ever.
and then i watched intervention again. because i hadn't gotten enough crying out of my system today.
it's funny. i knew i'd cry when i watched say anything. and i knew i'd cry when i watched intervention. though they are very different types of crying.
say anything was the heartbroken wistful cry. not my broken heart, but theirs. when she gets into her car and cries. when he calls his sister in the rain. of course, the part with the radio.
intervention is the raw reaction i have to seeing grown men cry, more often than not. and the relief when the people go.
and i always cry at the very end when it says that they've been sober since such and such date.
because it's nice to see that there is hope. for at least a few people.
i should probably feel different.
but i'm supposed to eliminate the word should from my vocabulary.
that's right. the cat is out of the bag.
and now that he's not my friend, it will be pretty neat to see what people have to say. and to not worry about him seeing it. who will even notice, and who won't.
i don't know how long it was between the former roommate's name change and when i noticed it. the silent drop.
in a way it makes me want to be very low key, comment wise.
and in a way, it makes me want to jump up and down.
also, tonight was good because i figured out that my most trusted friend some days, pbr, is only 12 carbs.
suffice it to say that, like a lays chip, i can't have just one.
but knowing that once i go home, i can drink them and not feel bad about it. they even make pbr light. and that's cool, too. i still fear the beer belly. i'll keep it trashy. fair trade.
this time next week, i'll be under the stars. i'll be in a tent i pitched. i'll be happy. i'll feel different. i'll feel smaller. i'll feel in awe of the universe i live in.
this time next week, i'll have a lot more to be grateful for. i'll have a road trip under my belt. without ever. for the first time since new years with nate.
this time next week, i'll have two weeks until i go home.
this time next week, i'll try to have a mediator picked out. i'll try to have the paperwork drafted.
this time next week, i'll have a catering behind me.
this time next week, i'll have a better sense of my place in this world. this universe. on this planet. in this country. in this region. the five hour drive to higher elevation and cooler weather will be refreshing.
i'm too excited to sleep. it's 3 am. again. i woke up at 1230 today. i cannot do that tomorrow.
also, i've been toying with the idea of starting another blog.
i want to have something that is not so top secret.
this will remain my outlet for all things divorce related.
the other can be more for writing exercises and fiction, possibly.
i thought i'd call it one of the funny names i made up when my priorities were different.