you can't win if you don't play. sept 19th.

it's been a rough couple of weeks.

i keep waiting for everything to feel the way it did when i was home. when it felt like everything was lining up perfectly and that everything was as it should be.

i guess it could be a little while before that happens again.

like when i'm home at christmas.

i hope it feels like that when i'm home at christmas.

tonight, i walked to buy a six pack of beer, instead of going out for one. i'm a sucker for simple math. if i go to the bar, i get two beers. if i spend the same money at the store, i get six.

on my way home, i saw a cute boy and a girl, smoking on a stoop. as i walked by, he said, 'a better job. or win the lottery.'

and it served as a reminder that i forgot my lottery tickets last night.

so i didn't win the $112 million. because i didn't play.

i spent some time today discovering new music.

and some time being freaked out about ever. because the joint account had a check written from it.

he wrote it to the business. and that in turn made me check the mortgage, because i haven't been.

and he paid it on the tenth.

not the first.

he can't pay it on time, i guess.


it let me know that he must surely know by now that i wasn't secretly spending all of his money like he accused me of. and that despite having people paying all the bills and mortgage for him, he still can't take care of shit on time.



and writing that, i realized today how many times i post the word ugh in my blog.


it's how i feel.

a lot.

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