resistance is futile. sept 25th.

another saturday of vegging out on youtube and hulu.

watched the premiers of the office and fringe from this week. both were pretty okay.

then started watching sunny day real estate videos from the diary album. love that thing. man, it's good.

which led to the jealous sound. which unfortunately will be forever linked to ever, more reasons than the obvious. i used to listen to it on repeat ad nauseum driving from my town to his every weekend. knapsack.

i have a lot of cds like that. luckily, i started to dislike dashboard confessional. because that was another one. saves the day i can't revisit quite yet, despite the fact that i love them dearly. and now i associate the xx with leaving him, because i had it on repeat for so long in the end.

why this is happening today, i don't really know.


let me back up to last night.

so a long time ago, i saw that lcd soundsystem was coming here. and they're one of kit's favorites. so i told her while we were driving somewhere. and she squealed and bought her tickets via iphone, knowing it would sell out.

there were people who she thought would go, so she got two tickets.

the show was last night, and everyone already had their tickets, so she took me.

i am okay with them. what i was not okay with was the quantity of people allowed to fill the place.

or rather, what i realized today is that i was just too old for that.

it was a hipster event. so there were shit tons of people there who were douchebags in general. but there were also old people there which was weird. and a lot of people on ecstasy. which was adding to my anxiety, i suppose. it's been over ten years since i was in a room with people doing that.

and it was hot. so super hot. and we were about three people from the front. maybe five. so, really close.

and the opener was this band sleighbells. and i couldn't stand them. i felt bad. but it was so strange. i'm just accustomed to shows that are different than that, i guess. people were so into them, singing all the words and freaking out in general. and the girl was just singing and dancing headbangerlike. and the other dude was playing power chord progressions. i don't know. it reminded me of the time i saw jucifer open for someone i went to see that i liked. and it was like, 'that giant stack of amps doesn't make you good'. it was just loud. like chest and clothes vibrating your face off loud. luckily i had earplugs.

i felt cynical. i felt like an asshole. i was so close and so unappreciative.

and worst of all, i felt like an ingrate for taking kit's ticket and going. i was fine, but she knew i wasn't into it and it made me feel pretty bad.

so whatever. they played. every song sounded the same. i think the other thing that unimpressed me was that the beats were all recorded, and some of her vocal tracks, too. it was just a strobe light show. ugh. here. a spectacle:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O--uJVyD07I

anyway, that was over. i was drenched in sweat. like running down legs disgusting. and then it was time for lcd, and everyone just crowded in closer and closer.

there was this couple. they were really fucked up, couldn't keep their eyes open and their faces apart. and the guy was all elbows and the girl kept saying they were going to have sex. it was awful. and obnoxious.

don't i sound like a callous grandma? it's making me sad just writing my thought processes from last night for everyone to read.

in any case, the lights went down and the place came unglued as one by one, all seven or eight of them took the stage.

and the first song was the one that i really genuinely like. kit's played it enough for me to get hooked on it.

and it was really super cool to see them play it so perfectly. and how it goes, one instrument is added in at a time. and there are so many of them. and their lighting is their deal, so of course it was quite the show.

so about halfway through the song, everything goes insane. and i knew it. and i was waiting. and everyone freaked the fuck out, jumping up and down and pushing and shoving and dancing. madness. the song is great. and they were great. i just couldn't hang.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoA0cTC228M

after about three or four songs, maybe more, i told kit i had to go. i was worried i was going to have a panic attack. i needed to be outside and smoking and having a beer. it took at least two songs to get out of the front and into the back of the venue where i could breathe.

it was just crazy. everyone was so happy and excited and on hard drugs and dancing. and looked at me like i was insane for leaving, trying to squeeze out past them. but it was too intense in the front where we were. people started moshing and thrashing around. and not in a respectful way. i think i was over those days back in high school. like, into it and then out of it, inside four years. a really really long time ago.

like i said: too old for that shit.

i did however love the fuck you attitude of the dudes that were next to us, smoking fat joints when they took to the stage. that was awesome. they seemed like really nice guys. smiley. why couldn't all the assholes be stoned and smiley like that?


so i made it outside, and i was standing at the back of the venue, outside. which is on the river. so i'm essentially on a pier, having a beer and a smoke. staring at the sky, because what else do you do when you're smoking and drinking on a pier alone? and there was the nearly full moon. and jupiter. and that was about all.


and i went back in to see the last couple songs from the back of the venue. just picture a hanger. like where they'd store a cessna. it's where beer fest was, actually. huge place. completely filled with people.

again with the beer math. we left at 730 for the bus to go. doors at 9. had a beer. when i left the crowd, it was probably 1130, maybe 12. had another beer.

and from sweating so much, i was tipsy.

we had to catch a cab home, because it was 2 miles to the train and it was 130 in the morning. so we got dropped off at our bar.

and had a beer at closing, and went back to my place, both of us pretty drunk and giggling.

had food just before 3. passed out.


i don't know. it was about where my head was. and i don't usually get anxiety due to social settings like that, but have before and really came pretty close to that last night. i saw a lot of people who were having bad nights, and i was having a bad trip, mentally, just feeling like i didn't belong and that if i said anything i was thinking about the show, that i'd be hung where i stood.



i should also say that all of this was after a day i'd really rather forget.

i woke up at 6 despite not having to be up until 8, from a dream about the ghost. it had been a while. and there was nothing to it really, just him right before i woke up being hot and shirtless, and smiling at me.

couldn't go back to sleep. got up at 8. got ready, which was taking a while. i had that meeting with the new landlords, so i wanted to be dressed and made up accordingly.

so i left my apartment to drive to work in my buttondown shirt and pencil skirt, and didn't see my car.

and i couldn't remember where i'd parked.

it had been a week since i drove. and i was walking around and looking for my car, trying the panic button. nothing.

and i'm walking around the neighborhood, looking for my car in a panic, hitting the panic button. running out of time. and my mind started racing. and i wanted to cry. and i'd built this meeting up to be such a big deal. it was when i gave up about ten minutes later, and started walking toward kit's place, thinking that i must have parked that direction that i remembered. i had parked on a street that i never park on. and there was my car.

then raced to work and to the meeting. and they were nice. i mean, it was a getting to know you kindof a meeting, but they were fine.

and then i went to the office.

and then i learned how much money we lost last month.

and then i worked myself up about it.

even though it wasn't really my fault.

and because i got a late start, due to losing the car and all, i left the office later than i usually do, and it took about an hour to get back. which is usually about 30 minutes all told.

so then i unwound for a couple hours. and then went to the show.


i'm tired just writing it all out. it was intense.

and today was very low key. lunch with kit after i slept in late and had a lot of blueberry coffee.

now it's about time to get dressed and do something. even if it's nothing at an apartment which is not my own.


i'm going unicorn hunting:

pound cake rob.