dizzy spell. october 16th.

so i realize that this is the time when i'd have all my journals out and covering my floor, reevaluating every decision i've ever made.

but i'm not doing that this year. i promised myself that i wouldn't. i buried the bin of journals in the furthest depths of my closet to dissuade myself from doing it despite the pact.

last night, after writing the post of the beginnings of blogs, i went to the beginning of mine. and read the first few entries, just to see how my style has evolved.

and besides talking around things and being super secretive about my feelings and thoughts, nothing has really changed. which i kinda liked.

i did realize a few things. first and foremost, reading the blog was essentially like consulting the journal of the last year or so. but it's not at all the same as reading the journals, because those are much more in-depth and real and honest.

part of me wants to just read that last one before i left. the one where i was going to the gym all the time, and spending an extra hour in the car after, writing. because i did not want to go home to ever.

and mostly, i was venting about him anyway.

the second thing i realized is that my blog turned one year old and i missed it. october 4th was the first post.

the third thing i realized is that tomorrow would have been one year since that insane conversation after one of my first few lunches with kit when i went home and launched into this huge thing with ever. the one where i told him that i feel like his mom. the one where we made a bunch of agreements about what he needed to do to help me and make me feel more like his wife.

one. whole. year.

it's almost impossible to believe. i know from reading how i was feeling. and what i was thinking. i was determined at that point to stay together, but knew deep down that it was over as far as i was concerned.

i just can't believe it. i never would have said then, 'in a year from now, i'll be in an apartment alone, in the midst of a divorce. and i'll be HAPPIER.'

it blows my mind.

and i probably will continue to read forward, and see how it all unraveled so quickly.

today was this huge beer fest on the block next to mine. i mean, it still is going on.

and i walked over there at about two for a first cigarette of the day, in lieu of sitting on my stoop.

and there were a lot of people, and somehow i didn't know any of them. it made me sad, and i felt too awkward to stay, so i came home.

and i watched a documentary about ra ra riot, who i'm just starting to fall in love with.

and then straight from that into a documentary about the pixies reunion tour, called 'loudQUIETloud'. it was really interesting. unsettling. sad. but really good.

and then finished getting ready for the game tonight. my big night out.

and then went back to the block party.

and there were three times as many people. and i still didn't know anyone. and the boys. dear god. i think i fell in love over there like eight times. yet, i had the feeling that i needed to get out. fast. so i did.

last saturday, i walked from my apartment, and i had this dizzy spell. it almost felt like i was going to pass out. i felt wobbly. and more lightheaded than the spells i get from time to time.

and it happened again today when i went to the block party the first time.

i don't like it.

i don't know why it's happening.

but it's something new and different. the only thing in common was a second cup of coffee (normal) and a first cigarette of the day (several hours after i normally have one).

it doesn't make sense.

but it is something physical. so i'm noting it.

i have this feeling like something that is either really good or really bad is about to happen to me. butterflies in my stomach. and a general sense of unease. it could go either way.

i'm grateful to not be driving tonight. kit and i are going to take the train to the bar. parking here is madness anyway, but i just want to be able to enjoy myself and drink what i want and not worry about driving across the city to get home.

i straightened my hair today. i guess i got the idea last night. my hair was straighter than normal because i'd washed it and worn it in pigtails all day. and i realized just how long my hair is getting. so today, i had nothing better to do, i took the iron to it.

it's past my shoulders.

it completely changes the way that i look. i feel like i look funny, but once i get used to seeing it, i like it.

when you grow up with crazy curly hair your whole life, the feeling of running your fingers through your own straight hair is pretty remarkable. kinda like running your tongue over your teeth when you get your braces off. hair and teeth both feel slick and smooth. it also feels like you're exposed. the wind can completely clear your face of your hair. your teeth feel bare.

interesting parallel.

i think i just needed a change.

after the night i had last night, i wanted to feel like a different person today. putting my best foot forward or something. wearing a sweater i don't normally wear, with hair that is completely different. i have to turn a new leaf somehow. maybe this will kickstart that.

yesterday was the hardest day i've had in a while. i just couldn't smile. and i fought tears twice. well, not fought. i would have welcomed them. but almost was able to cry twice. almost.

and i wasn't really kidding when i told kit i wanted to go on a bender yesterday. only i paced myself and never even got tipsy. maybe tonight will be the night that i get a little carried away. and super festive.

tomorrow will be low key, so i guess i'm allowed.

kit burned 500 days of summer for me. so that will probably be what i do with part of my day tomorrow. i have a second lunch date with lauren, i'm sure we both have a lot to get off our chests. i know that i do. and i'm guessing that she's going through something similar and relative in her love life, or lack thereof, in my case.

it makes sense to have a rough emotional week. the rest have just been physically and mentally exhausting.

and one more random thing. well, two.

last night, in watching fringe and the office, two interesting things happened. and i guess i'd normally not notice, but because of the book, i'm a little hypersensitive right now.

first, on the office, which i was only watching because i couldn't find 500 days online to stream, there was a reference to it.

it made me feel a little funny. and i noted it, i suppose. and kept watching.

then i put on fringe, and went into the kitchen because i was wanting to finish the twizzler nibs i got for the dc road trip. before that trip, i don't even remember the last time i had twizzlers. it was a strange craving. and i came back from grabbing them and unpaused fringe, and peter brought walter twizzlers.

it was just weird.

time for the game. here's to hoping that it is something good and exciting that is making me feel ill...

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