rock star and cupid. december 12th.

last night was fantastic.

karaoke was a great idea, in hindsight. though it didn't feel like it at all at the time.

it was a little tense for a bit, mixing workers and friends. but after a few drinks, everyone loosened up and then we really started singing and performing. and by the end of the drunkenness, the entire room of 8 was singing 'bohemian rhapsody'. which sounded lame to me in the beginning. but everyone knew the words, so it ended up being a highlight.

dave and ash even showed up, but ash was in a funk because kim and pam were there. and they all kinda don't like each other, because we all used to work together. and there had been a falling out. but like i said, everyone got drunk enough to sing and get past it.

it helped me feel better about my real birthday night. because every person who said they would make it actually showed up. it's like everyone knows by now that i get really bummed when people flake on me. it was a great birthday, in the end. even if it did take a few days to celebrate it.

for being as afraid as i was about singing, i sure hid it well. when it was just kit and i in the beginning, we started toying with the machine. and once i started practicing, it was on.

and kit recorded me singing 'telephone' for my sister, which was hopefully as good as it felt when i did it. i really hammed it up, stood up and danced and the whole nine.

i guess part of it, too, is that i was trying to get other people into it, and showing them that i was perfectly willing to make an ass of myself in front of them made me feel like they'd feel better about chiming in. and what was super cool was that all of us could actually sing. ash and dave's duets were awesome. dave in general was awesome, because he loved singing the girl parts of songs, and he's one of the funniest people i know. i wish ash had felt better, but it just means that i'm going to have to get kit in a room with them when former employees aren't present.

and ashley from work showed up, and because she'd taken relaxers earlier in the day after a panic attack, she was super drunk after just a couple beers. so i felt like i was taking care of her, which made me act slightly less drunk than i felt.

suffice it to say that drinking to get the free room was a good idea. but we were all pretty sloppy by 8 when we left to find food.

anyway, i felt like a rock star last night. and even though i only got up in front of a few people to sing, it gave me a little confidence that i could do it in a different way, someday, if i ever felt the desire to.

we ended up getting food and cabbing it home, and i drank a bunch of water and went to bed. i wasn't drunk anymore, and felt pretty awful. part of me wanted one more beer. but the other part of me decided that four was enough and that second drunk wouldn't be nearly as much fun as original drunk from 5 to 8.

so today i spent over an hour, anonymously looking up boys on that dating site the girls busted ever on this summer.

what is outrageous is that i saw that boy conor that liked this summer. he was the only person i saw that i knew.

i was impressed by the number of hot guys. and the number of jersey guidos who actually talk about getting tans. and the number of scary looking guys. and the number of guys who take pictures with their girlfriends. or girls in general. and their dogs.

so i noted the ones that were funny and cute and in the age bracket i selected. which, for a 33 year old girl, i am not embarrassed to say that the age range was 23 to 33.

well, actually, i am. but i'm trying not to be. if only there hadn't been so many 23 year olds that were so cute, i might have been inspired to change the age bracket. but there were. so i wasn't.

maybe someday i will actually put myself on the site. it was fun to see what guys present to the world on dating sites. i was tempted to today. in all honesty. but at the same time, i couldn't do it. because honestly, even though i consider myself to be 'single', i felt more compelled to check 'married'. i think that is the reason why i am so reluctant to even try to pick up a guy.

how do i explain my situation? i don't want to say married, or divorcing, or divorced (because it's not entirely true). i don't want to say that i want a fuck buddy. because more than that, i want to make out. and if i met a cute sweet boy, i'd want to hang out, too.

why am i so hard to categorize?

i don't know.

and maybe if i hadn't had that whole dream last night, i wouldn't have been so into it.

this was the dream:

in my dream, i was at the house. only it was five stories, like a gigantic warehouse.

there was a loading dock off back. huge cement stairs, freestanding, like in a stadium.

there was a top floor and there was a show up there. i accidentally found it, and immediately had to get out.

mom, dad, and aubree were there with me.

new girl was brown hair and braces. very young. red shirt. arms crossed and with him. as in, attached to him.

his hair was brown and kinda bowl cut. like a preppy 90s guy (probably influenced by buffy).

there was a ton of people there. karla was with me. went to get something specific.

but while we were walking this guy fell on his skateboard - there were a bunch of ramps, a skate park in the house - and he was knocked out. he was hurt really badly, like paralyzed. so someone called an ambulance. frede was walking up and down the stairs all night. we kept seeing each other, but didn't speak until the end, he wouldn't make eye contact with me the first few times.

he didn't acknowledge me until we were all blocked in the stairwell, trying to get out.

at the end, there was a fake gunfight on the dock over a car they both wanted, a bmw or something. these girl securitiy guards had real guns, but they weren't loaded. but they were acting like they were shooting each other.

ever had an ipad for the house and i was finding a movie to start playing for everyone. but the one i picked was a social distortion documentary, and i stopped it because it wasn't what i thought it would be. but everyone was getting angry because i changed it.

at one point i had to grab onto a press, and lay on the arm to swing myself around to leave, it was over the edge of a big dropoff. i got white ink on the arms and chest of my black hoodie.

he carried the hurt guy up the stairs once he woke up. everyone looked at him like a hero. but the guy was paralyzed, and i knew that he was probably going to kill him because he didn't leave him stationary and wait for the ambulance.

once i decided that i wanted to leave, i couldn't leave off docks in the end. it was like the bottom of the cement ramps became the tops. so every time i'd head up to leave, i'd end up at the bottom. i just wanted out.

once i realized that i couldn't leave that way, i had to go back up the cement staircase and this girl started to sway it like a suspension bridge. she almost fell off because she was being an idiot, she did a front flip in the air when she lost her balance, and landed back on the stairs.

aubree was really upset. she was aubree, only she was infant sized, and i was carrying her everywhere. mom and dad just stayed lost and i couldn't find them.

i was talking to people there, about why i was there or whatever. but they were my friends more than his. it was the people who were there, not that they were my friends kyla and other friends of aubree's.

in any case, none of that detail really matters. i guess because it stayed with me all day, that's why i included it here.

because at some point this week, i have to go to the house. it's not an option. and that means that i have to communicate with ever.

when i woke up, it was a nightmare, and as per the usual, i was paralyzed, flat on my back. and i had to tell myself not to cry, because when i woke up i had tears in the corner of my eyes, and the stress of it all was just the worst way to wake up at 7 am on a day off.

i don't want to go to work tomorrow. or for the next week.

but, one week from tomorrow, i'll be flying home. so i have to power through it.

and today, over scrabble, i set up a game night with james and jess for tuesday night. i do wonder if they'll ask about anything related to ever. because i try really hard to not talk about it at all in front of mutual friends. because i don't want to alienate anyone who is willing to spend time with me despite my leaving him.

it's bed time. somehow another long weekend kindof escaped me. and i feel like i wasted the majority of it. luckily brunch with kit today was awesome, and seeing everyone at favorite bar was great. super talkative, super friendly. it was a nice way to start my day after the way i woke up.

i don't know. looking at that dating site was a bad idea, because now it's all i can think about. so much easier a way to meet boys than having the balls to go up to them in public.

if only i were really single. if only i didn't have baggage. if only i just wanted to get laid and didn't care about anything else.

then it would be easy.

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