smh. twelve eleven.

it's been a really crazy 36 hours.

first of all, after i posted that last post, i decided to take a bubble bath to calm down. i put the bose dock in the bathroom, and played american analog set, which i've been listening to quite a bit lately.

it felt strange to pull a bath without chalk being there, because the only bubble baths i've had in the last several years were the few we took.

so i think that started me on a path to being sad. i was so worked up and anxious and scared, getting in. but the warmth was precisely what i needed. i sat for a few minutes with my eyes closed, trying to make it all go away, including the lonely leftover feeling from the birthday.

then it became too much. with the thought, 'i want to go HOME. i want my mom', i started to cry. and i let loose. and then it was over. and i did not want to get out of the bath. it started to cool down, and i added hot water to prolong it. and sat and soaked and had another cry.

kit was coming by to hang out and talk, so i'd told her to let herself in when she got there. i got out of the bath, and got dressed. i felt better, calmer, but was still a little zonked from crying. and i sat down, contemplating a cigarette. and heard the front door open. i assumed it was kit, but heard her talking to someone.

i looked down at what i was wearing, thinking she brought her friend bobby with her. i opened my door, and saw her alone. i asked who she had with her, and MY MOM came up the stairs behind her.

i was in total shock.

i really couldn't believe my eyes. suddenly a couple things made sense, and there was this weepy head shaking thing i was doing, trying to grasp what was going on.

she had flown up for my surgery. and kit stayed for a bit, telling how they'd pulled off the surprise. and she left, and mom and i sat on the couch talking for a long time. and on the floor talking, and back on the couch talking.

she was the best distraction. i told both of them about the bath, and my intense homesickness right before they showed up. and i kept telling her that if had been alone, i probably would have been rocking back and forth on the couch all night, worrying and stressing.

so we talked about ever and divorce stuff. about everything except the surgery in the morning. she made me eat food, even though i wasn't hungry.

there were a few things that we laughed about. i was proud that i didn't tear open all the packages she had sent me, because i would have been so embarrassed. at the same time, she said she would have understood. after the week i had, she said she would have opened them all, too.

when kit was there, i logged into the mortgage account, and ever had finally paid november's mortgage on my birthday. happy birthday to me. even though he's still a couple weeks behind this month, it gave me some breathing room. instead of making that payment in two weeks, i now have a little more time.

he didn't pay the insurance, but i'm going to survive making that payment. it will be okay. it can be his 'fuck off' christmas present from little ole me.

so that was that night. mom fell asleep next to me on the couch, while i was watching an episode of buffy. it was 1130. i really had wanted to go to bed early, but i knew i would have failed at that anyway. so it was fine to be up talking to mom about everything that wasn't surgery related.

i took nyquil and drank as much water as i could stomach, because i wasn't allowed anything after midnight.

landlord has the heat cranked. thinking i was being kind, i texted him to tell him that it was super warm, and he could bump down the thermostat.

i knew that when i woke up (if somehow i was able to sleep) i would be totally dried out from the heat. he turned it down, but it was still roasting.

when i woke up, i realized i had slept through the night, which surprised me.

nerves like woah, but better because mom was there.

and i had a text from landlord, telling me not to smoke in the hall because he could smell smoke. he'd sent it at 1130 the night before. so i texted him back at 615 in the morning that i never smoke inside. and walked down the stairs as loudly as i could. hoping to wake him. what a dick.

so we went to the hospital.

got there on time. there was no referral so i had to deal with calling my doctor while i waited for the ultrasound.

get there, get undressed and into a robe. it's freezing. in the hospital, what else is new. go into the room once the tech showed up for work.

so she's doing the ultrasound, and my surgeon is looking at it, and neither of them see anything that doesn't belong. so she brings in another doctor to look and he can't see anything either.

so what the three of them determined is that there's nothing in my armpit that isn't fat or breast tissue. so there's no specific lump of anything else that can be removed.

how no one came to this conclusion after the first two ultrasounds and first three office visits, i will never understand.

i mean, what if he hadn't ordered the ultrasound before he cut into me? mid-surgery he might have poked around and seen it. or might not have.

so i'm laying there on the table, the tech and other doctor had left, all 'nothing more to see here' like.

and he said, 'it's the easiest thing for me to cut you open. the problem is that if there's no specific thing to take out, and i just start taking stuff out, i might not get everything that is bothering you. it might heal and that same lump might still be there. if you want me to do the surgery, i will. but at this point, you should be able to rest easy knowing that there's nothing in there that shouldn't be.'

then he asked me if i wanted him to talk to my mom and kit. and i said no. that i would tell them. so i walked in after getting dressed. and said, 'guess who's not getting surgery today?'

mom and kit said it was a birthday miracle, but i wasn't so sure. honestly, i was really pretty pissed off.

it was just so strange.

i was so ready for it. i mean, scared shitless, yes. afraid of the pain and being put under, yes. but i was ready to have that thing out of my body. i had decided several times over that it was worth the tradeoff.

and for him to basically tell me that he didn't want to risk anything for nothing? it just blew my mind.

i guess more than anything, i can't understand how it got to that point. i know that originally he didn't want to do the surgery, just because it was a tiny lump and because the area is so nerve/node laden.

but to have this thing around for so long. and to finally get everything lined up to do it. all the money and office visits. and then canceled.

worse still, that my mom came up and surprised me. just for the surgery.

if she hadn't been sitting there with me, and listening to me talk about it for weeks, i doubt she would have believed that it really got canceled as it was supposed to be starting.

it made me feel like a big faker. like a slacker, work-wise. so i did what i used to do when i was little. i played hookie. and hung out with my mom all day.

she had brought a couple movies, thinking that i'd be drugged and sleeping all day. and then i was fine and not drugged. able to drive. and awake.

with no plans. too cold to walk places. and she'd already done the touristy stuff on other visits.

first priority, since ever had paid the mortgage was the other half of the new tires on my car. so i dropped a couple hundred bucks on tires. because the flat was flat again, i had to take care of it right then.

went grocery shopping. having my mom here was embarrassing. first of all, there were empty beer cans from the few days before that, dirty dishes, etc. all over the apartment. second of all, i'd just gone to wilmington that day. so my fridge was empty of food, and full of beer. so there was nothing to eat in the house. i wasn't worried about it, because i was too nervous to eat. but when she got in, i had nothing to offer her. and felt like an alcoholic. even more than i usually do.

i'd been craving this pepper steak my grandma used to make. so i asked her how to make it, and made a ton of it. it was so amazing. it was pretty similar to how my grandma used to make it. and there was something about cooking for my mom, while she hung out with me in my kitchen that just fixed me. all the broken parts from the night before, that didn't seem like i could fix, when i was soaking in the bubble bath.

then we tried to shop. went to target, and marshalls. to a few other stores. all to buy absolutely nothing except a couple types of makeup. i had set out to buy a bag. and shoes. and jeans. and a better winter hat.

but i found nothing that i liked. not a single thing.

but we drove and shopped and talked. and that was awesome. she put in for indian buffet. and so she and i went there. and then to kit's for birthday cake.

and she had put in to go to favorite bar. and was even talking a lot about having kahlua and cream (i know, i know, but it used to be her drink).

and the thought of taking my mom to the bar, much less MY bar, and getting her a drink? it was all too much. but we did go. and it was packed, and we were shouting to be heard. and she only got coffee while kit and i had a beer. it was short lived. she just wanted to see what all the fuss was about i guess. and it came out in that conversation that it's been about 18 years since she'd had a drink. if she hadn't been so tired all day long, on the verge of falling asleep three different times, she probably would have had that drink. i still can't get over it.

to her, it probably looked like any bar. only tinier. nothing special.

but she got to meet sam. and hot bartender. so it was pretty interesting.

came home, went to bed, and got up for brunch before her flight out.

so that was the 36 hours of craziness. i still kindof can't believe it.

i just kept shaking my head. the whole time she was here. mostly because i couldn't believe that my surgery was canceled. it became almost habitual. every time i was silent, i was thinking about it, and the instinct was to shake my head. and she'd ask if i was thinking about it again.

it's just such a strange thing. i was horrified. yet, that morning, it was like i had a talk with myself. saying, 'self. today we are going to have a surgery. it's not a big deal. you're going to sleep and then wake up and then sleep again. you're going to feel gross and then fine and then probably be in a lot of pain. but for once and for all, this thing is going to be behind you.'

and then none of that even happened. yet, the anxiety leading up to the moment it was canceled was enough to make me want to sleep. mom and i were both ready for a nap by 11. well, that combined with the fact that we were all awake at 530 for it.

shaking my head.

and then when that shock finally wore off, and we went to dinner, i was still shaking my head, only then it was all about ever. i guess because i'm still afraid of seeing him when i go there. but i just kept thinking about how happy i was that he paid the mortgage.

i guess he collected rent and paid it with that. too bad we're still a month late. but it buys more time. time to save up more after i go home and spend money, and come back and pay bills. more time to get that court order. more time to file other petitions against him. just more time.

when you want something over with so badly, all you want is for the time you have to wait to pass, so you can move to the next phase. but with this, it's a strange dichotomy, because on one hand i want time to go by, so it can be over with. yet i need time to financially prepare, so i need it to pass slowly.

there's no winning with him.

but for those hours, i didn't much care about it. certainly not as much as i did when i thought i was going to have to cough up all that money for the mortgage before going home. or while i was there.

having my mom here was a very special treat. a little taste of home when i was so super homesick. i really think that the last time i was that homesick might have been when i was living in tahoe.

i would never have asked her to come up. and i could not have known how much i wanted her there, until i had her here with me. i probably would have realized it post surgery. and if it hadn't happened, then maybe i wouldn't have. but she was exactly what i needed. and i loved having her here. i got choked up this morning dropping her off. my mom is just so amazing. such an incredible lady. and the best mom ever. and it was so short lived, the visit. but it was so condensed and sweet.

i'm really grateful. and i'll try to complain less. because seriously? i have it pretty good.

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