ketchup. march 17th.

i am so tired.

i have been so busy. run ragged.

i can't seem to recover from last weekend, which i knew was a bad idea, but felt like i had to do anyway.


i have to re-read to remember what has happened since i last wrote.


a couple things.

first, i got another message from another boy that i had sent something to. he is the astronaut.

he was talking about space travel in his profile, so i told him that i had written that post about living on mars, or just going out into space, with or without the option to return.

and he waited a week i guess. and then sent something back, a movie recommendation. i figure i'll send him something back in a few days. i'll have to think about it.


meanwhile, back at the house, night before last, mike came home with like ten bags of groceries. i had just crammed a few things from my apartment into the last remaining space in the refrigerator and freezer. it was rough.

so i looked at him trying not to laugh, and said, 'where on earth are you going to put that?'

he opened the door and said he didn't know.

and i told him that i had been wanting to clean out the fridge and freezer, would he want to help me.

and he said yes. so we spent the next hour and a half clearing everything out. shawn said he didn't have anything, so anything that wasn't mike's and wasn't on my shelf got tossed. anything in the doors that was expired got tossed.

four garbage bags and five bags of recycling later, both sides were nearly empty. it was insane. there was so much that was there from when i lived there the first time. stupid ever.

and? he left beer there. there were four pbr tall boys in the fridge. and i had seen an empty can in his room when i came through. mike claimed them. it made me sad.

it was a great night of cleaning, but i was already so spent. i just had funny timing. i happened to go downstairs to grab a beer and he walked in with the bags. but i'd been wanting to clean it out since i moved in, so it was a good thing.

it just stole my writing time.

we were cracking up about the things that were in there. he was holding stuff up, asking me what he should do, and my rule became 'if you can't recognize it, toss it'. the funniest thing we found was a jar of pickles in the back of the fridge. it had one and a half pickles in this huge jar. and the half pickle was bitten in half, not cut.

he said, 'who DOES that???'

we were laughing most of the time we were working, and i'm still cracking up about it. i guess he'd thought things were all mine or shawn's and i thought it was all his, so once we determined that mostly everything had been there since before he moved in, or just after, it was a simple task.


i went to bed after having three blueberry waffles and beer for dinner. not my best moment, but it made me feel better.

what i can say is that, since i moved into the house, i haven't been snacking in bed. it makes me sad in my heart, but because of the mice that were running rampant, i couldn't justify doing it anymore. plus the kitchen is on the first floor, so it's not the next room over like it was in the apartment. it's fine. less crumbs in my bed. less mice in my room.


last night was last art class. i almost didn't go, because i was so wiped out and knew i'd be up at 6 today. but i was so proud of myself this semester - for the first time in four classes, i didn't skip a single class. snow days ruined three of our classes i guess, so i didn't feel like i could justify missing more than the school forced us to miss.

i didn't have a good night there, but that was okay. i feel like i got a lot out of that class regardless. i had forgotten a lot, it's not that he was the best teacher, but that he pulled it back out of me, and helped me understand things i hadn't before.

i don't know what i'll do in the fall, maybe i won't because i intend to travel. but for now, i'm actually glad to be done with class, so i can have wednesday nights open again.


i really forgot how loud this neighborhood is. and how quiet the other one was. it's the contrast that reminded me.

i can not sleep without ear plugs now. it sucks. i lost one of the two i had the second day i slept there, i don't know where it went. night before last, people were fighting outside at around midnight. then at five am, someone rang my doorbell. twice.

what the fuck? who does that? the doorbell is so loud, it's a buzzer, not a sweet chime or a quiet dinging. so it scared the shit out of me, woke me from a deep sleep.

and i got up to look out the window to see if there was something i should see. but no one was there. assholes.

it was raining for hours that night, and when i got back into bed, i couldn't fall asleep for at least an hour. i really wish that i could change that about myself. i just start worrying and thinking, and can't turn it off. when i did fall asleep, i had this horrible nightmare about ever killing someone, and expecting me to hide him.

it was awful, he was in the house, but it was a different house. and this helicopter flew up to the second floor window, and these two detective guys in suits came through the window, and took a bunch of pictures quickly, and back into the helicopter and went to look for him, because he had grabbed some of this things and taken off. all i remember is that he took some plastic ikea clothes hangers, and that he was wearing a blue hospital gown.


he's been in my subconscious, i guess. last night, i forget what i was dreaming, but he was in the dream.


i saw the shrink on tuesday. it was an okay visit. i thought i'd need her more than i did. i struggled to fill the time with chatter. she was glad that i am expecting certain things to be difficult, so that i am mentally prepared, which she has said before. and i made my next appointment for three weeks away, though i don't know if i'll want/need to keep it.

i feel so much less stressed out now. we talked only a little about dating site, how i feel completely ready now, which is interesting in contrast to everything i said and felt four months ago. like, chomping at the bit ready.


how it feels sometimes like it changed overnight. i remember wanting boys, but knowing that i had no business with one. and now i feel like i deserve one.

i will fear the details of going on a date, and bringing a boy home, until it happens. and then i either remember how to talk to a new boy and how to persuade him into my bed, or struggle and gain a new skill set.

i'll be fine. i just hope i don't have to wait too much longer. i have been wanting sex for a while, but the past few days, i want a boy to nuzzle and make out with. sigh.


i also started watching 'when we left earth'. it's this series that covers space travel since it first began, and through recent time. i started watching it as a replacement for 'the universe' because i've now seen them all at least twice, some five and six times. but this show is really stressful and intense, because i don't know the history as well as i could. it's an amazing show. i'm totally hooked on it. but it doesn't knock me out like other shows do. it tends to wake me up instead.


so i'm picking up my deposit. landlord thanked me for making the apartment so clean upon leaving. made me feel better about leaving early anyways.

and shawn paid the other half of rent.

and i get paid tomorrow. so instead of having no money, i actually will have some money. i have to pay down my credit card, but it's okay.

i really really want botox.

like really REALLY really.

i just can't spend that money on myself right now. i'm too broke.


but pretty soon, i'll be a dating ace, without worry lines, living in a clean and unpacked house, getting a full night's sleep. and getting laid.

a girl can daydream...